WEBVTT

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Thank you terror.

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Baus and I are
catcalling families

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as we drive through Georgia.

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Like nice family,
very supportive,

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very good complexions.

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I want to chronicle the bulk
of the suffering and joy,

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but just because
others pronounce a word

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one way does not
give you providence

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over the petty problems and
Susquehannas of the dark.

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This is my dream
house, fuckface.

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I'm riding shotgun with the
bats while the world dangles

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all the anguish you
can handle, that

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makes you drink another glass
of room temp water from the tap.

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I'm thinking of the last
time I ran into Bill Cassidy

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in Williamsburg, and
we were both like,

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we should hang out soon.

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But New York being
what that it is,

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we knew that we
probably would not.

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And then Jules telling me he
had killed himself and finding

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this out at the AWP Conference.

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And we wept and looked
at stacked books on sale

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for the table of the
University of California Press.

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I picked up a book and
opened it at random,

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but each page was blank.

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And when I put the book
down, I had no lines

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in the palms of my hands and
no hole into which I would not

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drown.

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And didn't I envy Bill
his strength of will then?

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I did envy his ability
to empty an entire house.

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I'd like to run
into Bill once more

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and do something to ease his
suffering, give him a hug

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or listen to him, or prop
him up in a good suit

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with a nice family.

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Very supportive,
nice complexions,

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riding, matching mountain
bikes through a Georgia suburb,

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or empty my bank
account into whatever

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he needed to put in his body
to stay alive one more day

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in a world where he is loved.

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But instead, I'm
crying on this airplane

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and there's a baby
crying too, and I can't

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tell my tears from his screams.

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And soon this whole
plane load will

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weep ourselves into steel poles
and sit atop them like ghosts.

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Which is all to
say, I fear I'll see

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Bill one day in the distance,
instantly recognizable,

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but wearing white gloves.

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Is all to say I've got a blind
spot shaped like a body shaped

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hole in my heart.

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And who is sleep's ear?

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Who's keeping all these debts?

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When I get home, I'm reading
everything in my bookshelves

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on fire.

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I'm going to keep it all in
until the alarm rings and rings

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and then ceases ringing.

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I'm going to burn this
world back into a coke binge

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into a compound city,
into a single word.

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All I want to write
about is suffering,

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all I want to write
about is salvation.

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There is room, but you do need
to make the world each day.

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And you are loved, you
are loved, you are loved.

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