WEBVTT

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The list.

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I tried to say something
nice to the nurse.

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I introduced myself.

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She said we had already met.

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I thought she was
moody until I realized

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she was several nurses, each
working their own shift.

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To them, I was Hamlet in
a long line of Hamlets.

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My problems were
unimpressive and not unique.

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I had a grief counselor like
everyone and a suicide counselor

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because I had said
the wrong thing.

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I wrote in my notebook.

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I made a list, a
working glossary.

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My handwriting was
big and crooked.

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Meat, blood, floor, thunder.

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I tried to understand
what these things were

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and how I was related to them.

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Doorknob, cardboard,
thermostat, agriculture.

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I understood North, but
I struggled with left.

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Describing the world was easier
than finding a place in it.

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The suicide counselor said
the people who hadn't shown up

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weren't going to show up, that
the ones who had stopped coming

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would not be coming back.

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She had seen it before.

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She saw it every day.

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The person they knew was gone.

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To them, I had
broken the contract.

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I had left first and they
were already grieving.

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I started a second notebook
for venom and hard feelings.

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Things that would leak into
the list if I let them.

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It was harsh and ugly.

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It was true and harsh and
ugly and it made me feel sick.

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What do I know?

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What do I know for sure?

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I built up meaning with
a double set of books.

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A doorknob is a
rock for the hand.

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It opens a hole in the wall.

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A doorknob is your stupid head,
you will not survive this.

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