WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.560 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.560 --> 00:00:04.186 align:middle line:90% Let me move this down for you. 00:00:04.186 --> 00:00:05.440 align:middle line:90% OK, is that working now? 00:00:05.440 --> 00:00:05.940 align:middle line:90% Yeah. 00:00:05.940 --> 00:00:08.400 align:middle line:84% So I do the central essay in this book 00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:10.500 align:middle line:84% called-- the book is on friendship, 00:00:10.500 --> 00:00:12.250 align:middle line:84% and I'm not going to read the whole thing. 00:00:12.250 --> 00:00:17.320 align:middle line:84% I'm just going to read some excerpts from it. 00:00:17.320 --> 00:00:20.990 align:middle line:84% I had a friend who, at a very sad time in my life 00:00:20.990 --> 00:00:23.360 align:middle line:90% was more or less my only friend. 00:00:23.360 --> 00:00:25.190 align:middle line:90% And she was sad too. 00:00:25.190 --> 00:00:26.780 align:middle line:90% And she was a dog. 00:00:26.780 --> 00:00:28.620 align:middle line:90% She was not my dog. 00:00:28.620 --> 00:00:30.170 align:middle line:90% I had never had a dog. 00:00:30.170 --> 00:00:32.150 align:middle line:90% I knew nothing about dogs. 00:00:32.150 --> 00:00:34.940 align:middle line:84% I had heard they were man's best friend, 00:00:34.940 --> 00:00:38.800 align:middle line:84% but thought that was sentimental and without weight. 00:00:38.800 --> 00:00:41.540 align:middle line:84% My friend belonged to a very young couple. 00:00:41.540 --> 00:00:44.060 align:middle line:84% Too young to be a couple, in my opinion, 00:00:44.060 --> 00:00:46.430 align:middle line:84% who lived in the apartment below mine. 00:00:46.430 --> 00:00:49.970 align:middle line:84% They fought all the time, especially at night. 00:00:49.970 --> 00:00:51.940 align:middle line:84% They screamed and hollered at each other 00:00:51.940 --> 00:00:55.700 align:middle line:84% and sounded a lot like an old married couple who fought. 00:00:55.700 --> 00:00:59.620 align:middle line:84% Which is why I thought they were way too young to live like that. 00:00:59.620 --> 00:01:02.680 align:middle line:84% My friend, the dog used to visit me 00:01:02.680 --> 00:01:07.180 align:middle line:84% when her parents, masters, owners fought. 00:01:07.180 --> 00:01:09.680 align:middle line:84% I would hear her scratching at my door. 00:01:09.680 --> 00:01:12.220 align:middle line:84% She couldn't bark because her vocal cords 00:01:12.220 --> 00:01:16.680 align:middle line:84% had been removed by her original owner, parent, master. 00:01:16.680 --> 00:01:19.100 align:middle line:84% Her hips had been damaged in an accident 00:01:19.100 --> 00:01:21.830 align:middle line:84% and she wore a brace around her hind. 00:01:21.830 --> 00:01:25.100 align:middle line:84% I could hear her scratching at my door with her front paw 00:01:25.100 --> 00:01:26.730 align:middle line:90% and I would let her in. 00:01:26.730 --> 00:01:29.390 align:middle line:84% Together, we would sit and listen to the fighting 00:01:29.390 --> 00:01:31.140 align:middle line:90% coming up through the floor. 00:01:31.140 --> 00:01:34.400 align:middle line:84% She would be trembling and I would put my arms around her 00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:37.240 align:middle line:84% and we would stay like that for the longest time. 00:01:37.240 --> 00:01:39.690 align:middle line:84% I always had food and water for her. 00:01:39.690 --> 00:01:42.420 align:middle line:84% She knew right where they were on the floor. 00:01:42.420 --> 00:01:44.780 align:middle line:84% And since at that time I myself was 00:01:44.780 --> 00:01:47.700 align:middle line:84% eating very little on account of my sadness, 00:01:47.700 --> 00:01:50.700 align:middle line:84% I would eat a little something from my cupboard when she ate, 00:01:50.700 --> 00:01:53.250 align:middle line:84% so we would eat together and hold each other. 00:01:53.250 --> 00:01:55.850 align:middle line:84% And then her master, parent, owner 00:01:55.850 --> 00:01:58.890 align:middle line:84% would holler for her to come down and she would go. 00:01:58.890 --> 00:02:00.800 align:middle line:84% I would hold the door open for her, 00:02:00.800 --> 00:02:03.560 align:middle line:84% and she would turn one last time to look at me before she 00:02:03.560 --> 00:02:05.220 align:middle line:90% limped down the stairs. 00:02:05.220 --> 00:02:09.270 align:middle line:84% She could not bark or whimper or make the least sound. 00:02:09.270 --> 00:02:11.000 align:middle line:90% I loved her. 00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:14.120 align:middle line:84% One day I put a silly cardboard frame over her head 00:02:14.120 --> 00:02:16.850 align:middle line:84% so that it sat on her neck and framed her face 00:02:16.850 --> 00:02:18.450 align:middle line:90% and I took her picture. 00:02:18.450 --> 00:02:20.670 align:middle line:84% The whole thing lasted no more than a minute. 00:02:20.670 --> 00:02:25.860 align:middle line:84% And today, 30 years later, her portrait still sits by my desk. 00:02:25.860 --> 00:02:27.740 align:middle line:84% I know she is dead, but I don't know 00:02:27.740 --> 00:02:30.270 align:middle line:84% how the last years of her life turned out. 00:02:30.270 --> 00:02:33.390 align:middle line:84% One night, the couple had an explosive fight. 00:02:33.390 --> 00:02:36.860 align:middle line:84% My friend came upstairs to sit with me, and in the morning 00:02:36.860 --> 00:02:40.190 align:middle line:84% her mother, owner, master packed the car 00:02:40.190 --> 00:02:43.130 align:middle line:84% and left, taking my friend with her. 00:02:43.130 --> 00:02:46.520 align:middle line:84% I didn't hug her or pet her, I just looked at her 00:02:46.520 --> 00:02:48.090 align:middle line:90% and walked inside. 00:02:48.090 --> 00:02:52.320 align:middle line:84% If she had anything to say, she couldn't say it, nor could I. 00:02:52.320 --> 00:02:53.880 align:middle line:90% But I could cry. 00:02:53.880 --> 00:02:55.560 align:middle line:90% And that was a blessing. 00:02:55.560 --> 00:02:58.610 align:middle line:84% Now, when I think of dogs, I understand 00:02:58.610 --> 00:03:02.120 align:middle line:84% that their relationship is very sentimental 00:03:02.120 --> 00:03:06.616 align:middle line:84% and carries great and lasting weight, like any friendship. 00:03:06.616 --> 00:03:09.816 align:middle line:90% 00:03:09.816 --> 00:03:13.130 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:03:13.130 --> 00:03:13.630 align:middle line:90% 00:03:13.630 --> 00:03:17.210 align:middle line:84% I had a friend when I was 10 and she was a Mormon. 00:03:17.210 --> 00:03:20.060 align:middle line:84% We played together after school and on the weekends. 00:03:20.060 --> 00:03:22.820 align:middle line:84% And one night her mother invited me to stay for dinner. 00:03:22.820 --> 00:03:26.360 align:middle line:84% It was a large family and they sat at around table. 00:03:26.360 --> 00:03:29.080 align:middle line:84% And when it was time to say grace, each one of them 00:03:29.080 --> 00:03:35.050 align:middle line:84% folded their arms in front of their chest, like this. 00:03:35.050 --> 00:03:40.950 align:middle line:84% Folded their arms in front of their chest, which startled me 00:03:40.950 --> 00:03:44.070 align:middle line:84% as that was something my mother did when she was angry 00:03:44.070 --> 00:03:46.690 align:middle line:84% when she stood in the kitchen and let you know. 00:03:46.690 --> 00:03:50.520 align:middle line:84% We said grace in my family, but we folded our hands together 00:03:50.520 --> 00:03:54.330 align:middle line:84% and bowed our heads, and no one could ever tell who was angry 00:03:54.330 --> 00:03:55.860 align:middle line:90% and who was not. 00:03:55.860 --> 00:03:58.240 align:middle line:84% When I ate with my friend's family, 00:03:58.240 --> 00:04:02.530 align:middle line:84% I thought they were all angry with God and it confused me. 00:04:02.530 --> 00:04:05.320 align:middle line:84% Why would you pray when you were angry with God. 00:04:05.320 --> 00:04:08.710 align:middle line:84% I was too polite to ask my friend why Mormons did this. 00:04:08.710 --> 00:04:11.490 align:middle line:84% So for a long time it stewed in me. 00:04:11.490 --> 00:04:13.930 align:middle line:84% I had another friend at that time. 00:04:13.930 --> 00:04:15.640 align:middle line:90% And she was also Mormon. 00:04:15.640 --> 00:04:17.730 align:middle line:84% And one day, she took me to her basement 00:04:17.730 --> 00:04:20.260 align:middle line:84% and showed me what her family kept down there. 00:04:20.260 --> 00:04:24.640 align:middle line:84% Huge burlap sacks of lentils and beans and rice. 00:04:24.640 --> 00:04:27.600 align:middle line:84% She said this was the food her family would live on when 00:04:27.600 --> 00:04:29.440 align:middle line:90% there was an apocalypse. 00:04:29.440 --> 00:04:31.910 align:middle line:84% I asked her what an apocalypse was. 00:04:31.910 --> 00:04:35.130 align:middle line:84% She said it was an event that would cause the whole planet 00:04:35.130 --> 00:04:36.990 align:middle line:90% to explode and burn. 00:04:36.990 --> 00:04:39.070 align:middle line:84% I did not understand why anyone would 00:04:39.070 --> 00:04:42.740 align:middle line:84% want to survive such a thing, but was too polite to say so. 00:04:42.740 --> 00:04:45.370 align:middle line:84% And then I remembered the Mormons were angry 00:04:45.370 --> 00:04:46.460 align:middle line:90% when they prayed. 00:04:46.460 --> 00:04:47.780 align:middle line:90% And why not? 00:04:47.780 --> 00:04:50.930 align:middle line:84% They had to survive in ashes and live on beans. 00:04:50.930 --> 00:04:55.900 align:middle line:84% Suddenly, I understood and things began to make sense to me 00:04:55.900 --> 00:04:59.360 align:middle line:84% at the age of 10, thanks to my friends. 00:04:59.360 --> 00:05:02.692 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] 00:05:02.692 --> 00:05:06.030 align:middle line:90% 00:05:06.030 --> 00:05:09.010 align:middle line:84% I had a friend in high school who was not my best friend, 00:05:09.010 --> 00:05:10.920 align:middle line:84% but she lived closest to me in the city 00:05:10.920 --> 00:05:13.870 align:middle line:84% and it was easy to walk to her house on the weekends. 00:05:13.870 --> 00:05:16.990 align:middle line:84% She lived in a house and I lived in an apartment. 00:05:16.990 --> 00:05:19.440 align:middle line:84% Her family was sophisticated in ways that 00:05:19.440 --> 00:05:21.610 align:middle line:90% were new and mysterious to me. 00:05:21.610 --> 00:05:24.160 align:middle line:84% Her father, I found out years later 00:05:24.160 --> 00:05:28.440 align:middle line:84% was a CIA agent whose cover was working as a cultural attache 00:05:28.440 --> 00:05:31.080 align:middle line:90% with an emphasis in Asian art. 00:05:31.080 --> 00:05:35.440 align:middle line:84% These were the days of Vietnam, as we refer to them now, 00:05:35.440 --> 00:05:38.110 align:middle line:84% which sounds so peculiar in retrospect, 00:05:38.110 --> 00:05:42.270 align:middle line:84% as if a fad for straw or silk had swept through the country. 00:05:42.270 --> 00:05:45.840 align:middle line:84% My friend's mother came from a wealthy Southern family 00:05:45.840 --> 00:05:48.610 align:middle line:84% and had once been a professional ballerina, 00:05:48.610 --> 00:05:52.830 align:middle line:84% a fact that deeply impressed me as even my English teacher-- 00:05:52.830 --> 00:05:54.730 align:middle line:90% and I excelled in English-- 00:05:54.730 --> 00:05:58.530 align:middle line:84% told me I was a klutz without a single bodily grace belonging 00:05:58.530 --> 00:06:00.550 align:middle line:90% to any of the nine muses. 00:06:00.550 --> 00:06:03.270 align:middle line:84% He had been watching me through a classroom window 00:06:03.270 --> 00:06:06.670 align:middle line:84% as I tried on the court below to hit a tennis ball. 00:06:06.670 --> 00:06:09.860 align:middle line:84% Later, he went so far as to insult my clothing, 00:06:09.860 --> 00:06:12.950 align:middle line:84% telling me to my face my dress was ridiculous. 00:06:12.950 --> 00:06:16.900 align:middle line:84% And so it was, a brown shift with huge turquoise polka 00:06:16.900 --> 00:06:20.870 align:middle line:84% dots, a Peter Pan collar, and a big floppy bow. 00:06:20.870 --> 00:06:22.580 align:middle line:90% My sister had made it. 00:06:22.580 --> 00:06:24.080 align:middle line:90% She made all my clothes. 00:06:24.080 --> 00:06:26.420 align:middle line:84% We weren't allowed to wear pants to school. 00:06:26.420 --> 00:06:31.430 align:middle line:84% My friend's sister took fencing lessons in a white bodysuit. 00:06:31.430 --> 00:06:35.300 align:middle line:84% She had a saber and a grilled mask. 00:06:35.300 --> 00:06:37.130 align:middle line:90% It was all too much. 00:06:37.130 --> 00:06:39.430 align:middle line:84% My friend had several fur coats that 00:06:39.430 --> 00:06:42.700 align:middle line:84% were so odd and interesting you couldn't guess what animal they 00:06:42.700 --> 00:06:44.020 align:middle line:90% were made from. 00:06:44.020 --> 00:06:47.390 align:middle line:84% I joked once that she was wearing her monkey coat. 00:06:47.390 --> 00:06:50.500 align:middle line:84% It occurs to me now that it probably was a monkey coat 00:06:50.500 --> 00:06:53.340 align:middle line:84% as monkeys can be found in all the Asian countries 00:06:53.340 --> 00:06:55.450 align:middle line:84% her father supposedly was collecting 00:06:55.450 --> 00:06:57.820 align:middle line:90% the antique heads of Buddha in. 00:06:57.820 --> 00:07:00.970 align:middle line:90% So that was the situation. 00:07:00.970 --> 00:07:05.470 align:middle line:90% My mother adored my friend. 00:07:05.470 --> 00:07:09.410 align:middle line:84% She liked my friend better than any of my other friends. 00:07:09.410 --> 00:07:13.480 align:middle line:84% Because when meeting my mother for the first time, 00:07:13.480 --> 00:07:15.973 align:middle line:90% my friend actually curtsied. 00:07:15.973 --> 00:07:19.030 align:middle line:90% 00:07:19.030 --> 00:07:24.040 align:middle line:84% I think my mother had waited her whole life for that moment. 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:26.200 align:middle line:90% My mother loved fruit. 00:07:26.200 --> 00:07:29.860 align:middle line:84% I think she would as soon have married a pear as my father. 00:07:29.860 --> 00:07:33.080 align:middle line:84% There was always a big bowl of fruit in the kitchen, 00:07:33.080 --> 00:07:37.700 align:middle line:84% liver spotted bananas, and green grapes as translucent as jade, 00:07:37.700 --> 00:07:40.300 align:middle line:84% though, if I ate the grapes, the arthritic stems 00:07:40.300 --> 00:07:42.380 align:middle line:90% that remained terrified me. 00:07:42.380 --> 00:07:46.210 align:middle line:84% I imagine them as crippled hands coming to get me. 00:07:46.210 --> 00:07:49.140 align:middle line:84% And there were always apples, her favorite. 00:07:49.140 --> 00:07:52.310 align:middle line:84% In those days, there weren't kinds of apples. 00:07:52.310 --> 00:07:54.640 align:middle line:84% You couldn't say, I feel like a Gala 00:07:54.640 --> 00:07:56.990 align:middle line:90% or pick up some Granny Smiths. 00:07:56.990 --> 00:07:59.680 align:middle line:90% There were only, well, apples. 00:07:59.680 --> 00:08:03.880 align:middle line:84% They were red, all shaped the same and perfectly tasteless. 00:08:03.880 --> 00:08:07.580 align:middle line:84% My mother kept another bowl of fruit in the dining room, 00:08:07.580 --> 00:08:10.150 align:middle line:84% and all of that fruit was artificial. 00:08:10.150 --> 00:08:12.530 align:middle line:84% When I was younger, it was plastic. 00:08:12.530 --> 00:08:14.330 align:middle line:84% But by the time I was in high school, 00:08:14.330 --> 00:08:16.390 align:middle line:90% it had all turned to bone china. 00:08:16.390 --> 00:08:19.570 align:middle line:84% In my mother's mind, there was a very big difference 00:08:19.570 --> 00:08:22.820 align:middle line:84% between a plastic orange and an orange made from China. 00:08:22.820 --> 00:08:24.830 align:middle line:84% And if you couldn't tell the difference, 00:08:24.830 --> 00:08:27.780 align:middle line:90% you had no taste, none at all. 00:08:27.780 --> 00:08:32.020 align:middle line:84% It was the difference between a handshake and a curtsy. 00:08:32.020 --> 00:08:36.190 align:middle line:84% Years and years later, I wrote a poem, and in the poem 00:08:36.190 --> 00:08:40.000 align:middle line:84% are the passing words a world where no one ever even 00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:41.830 align:middle line:90% curtsies anymore. 00:08:41.830 --> 00:08:43.780 align:middle line:84% And I have noticed through the years 00:08:43.780 --> 00:08:48.550 align:middle line:84% that many readers want even demand a back story to anything 00:08:48.550 --> 00:08:49.820 align:middle line:90% that is ever written. 00:08:49.820 --> 00:08:53.530 align:middle line:84% And now I have given them the entire back story 00:08:53.530 --> 00:08:55.430 align:middle line:90% of these fleeting words. 00:08:55.430 --> 00:08:58.240 align:middle line:84% And I feel for a moment like my friend 00:08:58.240 --> 00:09:02.020 align:middle line:84% who curtsied in front of my mother, something my mother had 00:09:02.020 --> 00:09:05.410 align:middle line:90% always wanted and got once. 00:09:05.410 --> 00:09:07.180 align:middle line:84% When I walk through a city, I see 00:09:07.180 --> 00:09:11.070 align:middle line:84% many strange faces and those none leave a trace. 00:09:11.070 --> 00:09:12.820 align:middle line:90% I know they have friends. 00:09:12.820 --> 00:09:14.450 align:middle line:90% Who are their friends? 00:09:14.450 --> 00:09:16.040 align:middle line:90% Whose friends are they? 00:09:16.040 --> 00:09:21.030 align:middle line:84% For wherever I walk, images of my friends go with me. 00:09:21.030 --> 00:09:23.820 align:middle line:84% I have a friend who used to be a dancer. 00:09:23.820 --> 00:09:25.980 align:middle line:84% She once choreographed and performed 00:09:25.980 --> 00:09:28.320 align:middle line:90% a dance I have never forgotten. 00:09:28.320 --> 00:09:32.680 align:middle line:84% She danced to Al Green singing how can you mend a broken heart. 00:09:32.680 --> 00:09:35.250 align:middle line:84% She was solo on the stage and a spotlight 00:09:35.250 --> 00:09:37.070 align:middle line:90% followed her as she moved. 00:09:37.070 --> 00:09:39.420 align:middle line:84% She was wearing a paper bodysuit. 00:09:39.420 --> 00:09:42.330 align:middle line:84% And as she moved, the paper tore, at first, 00:09:42.330 --> 00:09:44.940 align:middle line:84% in tiny slits at the seams and then 00:09:44.940 --> 00:09:48.720 align:middle line:84% in big gashes rip after rip until she was dancing 00:09:48.720 --> 00:09:51.130 align:middle line:90% in shreds, practically naked. 00:09:51.130 --> 00:09:53.940 align:middle line:84% It was so bold and beautiful and sad 00:09:53.940 --> 00:09:56.290 align:middle line:90% and happened once and once only. 00:09:56.290 --> 00:09:58.090 align:middle line:90% It was something to behold. 00:09:58.090 --> 00:10:01.500 align:middle line:84% And then it vanished from the Earth. 00:10:01.500 --> 00:10:02.000 align:middle line:90%