So I always like to end with something I didn't write myself,
but wish I had.
And this is my new favorite found.
I don't know who wrote this.
I don't know.
It fell out of one of my folders.
Yeah, I kept the paperclip, but I couldn't throw this out.
I don't know where I got it.
It's a Xerox copy of a hand-typed letter,
a real letter sent in the mail.
I think, my guess is 1930s.
But I could be wrong.
I think it's from the '30s.
And If I could write something like this,
I could die happy, man.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
"Friend, Ruth.
I am sending you a little something for Christmas now,
which I made myself, instead of buying something for you.
But I could have boughten something
if I had a thought you would rather
have had boughten something.
Sometimes people rather have things
that are made than things that are boughten
because they mean more.
But I don't see how they can mean anything more than what
you can read on them.
Because when you say Merry Christmas, and from a friend,
and so forth, people can easily read that and see what it means.
But I hope you will like it.
I could have bought you a lot of things
I seen in the stores that are meant for Christmas presents.
Only some of them wouldn't have been useful, I don't think,
because they were made to sell, I guess.
My grandfather used to say, and he
ought to know because he lived through 93 Christmases,
and he was usually right.
So he was probably right about saying
it was better to make something for somebody
instead of buying something.
Because sometimes, they had rather have something you made.
But I could have boughten you something
if I thought you'd rather have it, like a picture or a book
or because you're artistical and some of the things they sell
ain't so.
And I'd make you something because I had plenty of time.
And all the time I was making what I was sending,
I was thinking of you rather than of how much it would cost
and whether the store man needed the money worse
than I did for your Christmas present.
But I could have bought it just as well as
not, if I'd thought you would have wanted something.
You may think it's kind of funny.
I should be sending you something now instead
of waiting till tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.
But the mails is crowded, ain't they?
And trains don't run to North Attleboro very often, do they?
And it would be better for you to get it ahead of time instead
of too late, wouldn't it?
And then I may be so busy tomorrow
that I wouldn't have time to make you nothing
or buy nothing either, for that matter.
Although I was pretty much decided yesterday
that I would make you something instead of buy you something.
Something, although I could have bought you
something, if I thought you'd rather have had it.
And then if I hadn't sent it until so late,
you might have thought I had forgotten you
when you were sending out your Christmas presents.
But I haven't, as you see.
And I hope you think I haven't, have not
forgotten you when you were sending
your packets of Christmas presents.
Although I don't expect much this year because it's
a hard year, isn't it?
And we mean, meaning you and I have so many people
to send things to, haven't we?
And then I don't think I ought to get much.
But if you are trying to think of what you would give me,
don't give me an ashtray because I have one and don't
use it much, nor a signet ring because my room mate's
father gave me one five years ago, and I haven't worn it.
And it isn't doing any good in my drawer.
And I wouldn't want two in there instead of one, would I?
And I wouldn't want you to give me anything like a pillow
because I have two.
And I wouldn't expect you would want to give me so much
as a set of books, though I would like one.
But then you probably have several other things
to give people.
And if you don't feel that you can afford to give me one,
don't.
Because I wouldn't want you to.
But if you are set on getting me something,
but don't get me anything else but one book.
Although I guess maybe you aren't buying anything.
But make me something the way I did you.
Only if I bought you something else,
just as well as not, if I'd thought you'd rather have
something boughten, remember.
But I had just as soon not have something made from you.
Because I am different from some people
and would rather have something bought than made.
But I guess you have your mind all made up, so don't change it.
Although women can change their minds without anyone
saying anything, can't they?
But when a man makes up his mind,
like I did, to get you something I made myself,
I kind of had to do it.
Although I had just as soon have bought you
something, if I'd thought you'd rather have had it.
Please give my love to your parents and friends,
if I know them.
But tell them, tell them I don't expect them all
to give me anything.
But if they were going to get something just the same,
tell them they can give me a book to put in with yours,
but tell them not to make me anything because I don't like
made things so much as you do.
Though I could have given you something
I'd bought, if I thought you would rather
have had a boughten thing.
Your friend, Lawrence."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
God bless Lawrence.
So thank you so much for coming tonight.
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I'm happy to sign books.
I'm seeing wonderful t-shirts.
I read banned books, that's a great one.
Yeah, we gotta keep the book thing going here in this nation.
So every year, it goes up, something like 14,000 taken out
of the libraries.
Anyway, do you have any questions?
I'm kind of burnt out, but I'll stagger on.
You're worth it.
Good.
OK, good night.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]