WEBVTT

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"The Effusive."

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"It's been a great year.

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I turned 70, and my
brother shot himself.

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I am a tall person who
is small and mean inside.

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For instance, on
Christmas morning, I

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wake and begin to pack away
all my Christmas decorations.

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I love Christmas time,
December 1 through the 24,

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but I hate the glare
of Christmas morning,

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the sound of crumpling
wrapping paper and the belief

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that it is still
actually Christmas.

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I like to get a head
start on things,

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which is why I'm constantly
planning for death.

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I throw away birthday cards
on the morning of my birthday.

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In 70 years, I have
read a great many books,

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but I do not remember, cannot
tell you a single sentence

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or line from any of them.

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It seems to me I am merely
a walking trunk of titles.

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I would rather read a
children's book than cook.

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Yet, I believe I am
a genuine person,

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an ordinary, normal
creature who loves flowers

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unless they are yellow.

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Though wild yellow tulips
go rampant in the woods

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next to my house, and
I like them so much.

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One year, I picked a bunch
only to discover they

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wither instantly when picked.

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Never hit a child or
pick a wild flower

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is ancient wisdom
passed on for so long

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it has finally disappeared.

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I find this sad now that
I have learned my lesson.

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I was beaten when I was a child.

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But like Christmas morning,
so what to all that?

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Nothing stops my life from
moving forward towards my death.

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I hate chocolate.

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The people who love me,
keep giving it to me

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even if I put it in writing.

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They will not stop.

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I hate parties of all kinds
and give two magnificent ones

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every year.

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One is at Christmas and
one is in the spring

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when the wild yellow
tulips are in bloom.

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My guests and I, we sit-in
silence and stare at the tulips

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through the trees.

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It is a genuine moment of
feeling sad that we can't pick

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them, knowing we should not and
understanding that they will

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wither whether or
not they are picked."

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[APPLAUSE]

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