WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.000 align:middle line:84% So I'm going to be reading an essay called Childhood Eulogy, 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:10.330 align:middle line:84% and it's a second-person essay, so I'm addressing my childhood. 00:00:10.330 --> 00:00:11.830 align:middle line:84% I think that's all you need to know. 00:00:11.830 --> 00:00:14.340 align:middle line:90% 00:00:14.340 --> 00:00:15.780 align:middle line:90% "You're a boxy car. 00:00:15.780 --> 00:00:18.060 align:middle line:84% And Dad, what does this lever do? 00:00:18.060 --> 00:00:19.210 align:middle line:90% I was young. 00:00:19.210 --> 00:00:20.470 align:middle line:90% Not even in grade school. 00:00:20.470 --> 00:00:23.290 align:middle line:84% My legs so short, my feet couldn't touch the mat-- 00:00:23.290 --> 00:00:25.050 align:middle line:90% they just swung above it. 00:00:25.050 --> 00:00:27.700 align:middle line:84% You were the small hitch beneath the window. 00:00:27.700 --> 00:00:29.470 align:middle line:90% Pulled before an answer. 00:00:29.470 --> 00:00:31.300 align:middle line:90% You were the open car door. 00:00:31.300 --> 00:00:35.510 align:middle line:84% Air rushing in because I needed to know how everything worked, 00:00:35.510 --> 00:00:38.220 align:middle line:84% because I needed to know what I could control and what I 00:00:38.220 --> 00:00:39.450 align:middle line:90% couldn't. 00:00:39.450 --> 00:00:42.300 align:middle line:84% You're Dad pulling over, shutting the door, 00:00:42.300 --> 00:00:44.610 align:middle line:90% and asking me to trust him. 00:00:44.610 --> 00:00:46.920 align:middle line:90% I trusted him. 00:00:46.920 --> 00:00:49.530 align:middle line:84% You were the Ramones CD playing on the living room 00:00:49.530 --> 00:00:52.750 align:middle line:84% stereo, a rough voice and simple chords. 00:00:52.750 --> 00:00:56.010 align:middle line:84% You're not necessarily the lyrics, but their cadence. 00:00:56.010 --> 00:00:57.750 align:middle line:84% The way you begged for people to hop 00:00:57.750 --> 00:01:00.030 align:middle line:84% around in socks on wooden floors, 00:01:00.030 --> 00:01:04.530 align:middle line:84% the joy and ridiculous movement of dance, the jumps of nothing 00:01:04.530 --> 00:01:06.630 align:middle line:90% to do, nowhere to go. 00:01:06.630 --> 00:01:09.990 align:middle line:84% The way Dad and I sang with breathy British accents: 00:01:09.990 --> 00:01:13.010 align:middle line:90% I want to be sedated. 00:01:13.010 --> 00:01:16.380 align:middle line:84% You were two pigtails and sometimes a French braid. 00:01:16.380 --> 00:01:18.350 align:middle line:84% Mostly you were a ponytail because it 00:01:18.350 --> 00:01:20.850 align:middle line:84% was easiest to run around with hair out of the way. 00:01:20.850 --> 00:01:24.140 align:middle line:84% This was important-- the freedom of the body. 00:01:24.140 --> 00:01:27.560 align:middle line:90% So of course you were not bows. 00:01:27.560 --> 00:01:30.050 align:middle line:84% The dogwood trees blooming, neighbors 00:01:30.050 --> 00:01:31.710 align:middle line:90% waving from their porches. 00:01:31.710 --> 00:01:34.460 align:middle line:84% The sun gone, but the air still warm. 00:01:34.460 --> 00:01:36.560 align:middle line:84% You were walks around the neighborhood 00:01:36.560 --> 00:01:38.610 align:middle line:90% in the early evening with Dad. 00:01:38.610 --> 00:01:41.330 align:middle line:84% You were the ice cream at the end of the walk. 00:01:41.330 --> 00:01:43.460 align:middle line:84% I always thought of this as a secret, 00:01:43.460 --> 00:01:47.750 align:middle line:84% as a time just for Dad and me, safe from the rest of the world. 00:01:47.750 --> 00:01:51.110 align:middle line:90% And for a while, it was. 00:01:51.110 --> 00:01:54.140 align:middle line:84% You are the sprinkler I ran through at the same time 00:01:54.140 --> 00:01:55.300 align:middle line:90% as another girl. 00:01:55.300 --> 00:01:59.720 align:middle line:84% Water like opaque glass, the warmth, the wetness. 00:01:59.720 --> 00:02:03.590 align:middle line:84% The sidewalk and the hidden sky and the bathing suit I wore. 00:02:03.590 --> 00:02:06.750 align:middle line:84% You weren't goggles because I didn't know I needed them, 00:02:06.750 --> 00:02:09.229 align:middle line:84% but you were the scrape I got when the other girl fell 00:02:09.229 --> 00:02:10.610 align:middle line:90% on top of me. 00:02:10.610 --> 00:02:13.160 align:middle line:84% She'd run at the same time as me, entered 00:02:13.160 --> 00:02:14.850 align:middle line:84% from the other side of the sprinkler, 00:02:14.850 --> 00:02:16.550 align:middle line:90% but I never saw her coming. 00:02:16.550 --> 00:02:19.400 align:middle line:84% You are my scar, the way Dad tended 00:02:19.400 --> 00:02:22.640 align:middle line:90% the wound, constant with care. 00:02:22.640 --> 00:02:25.520 align:middle line:84% You were never ear infections, and often you 00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:27.000 align:middle line:90% were perfect attendance. 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:29.480 align:middle line:84% This was more luck than anything else. 00:02:29.480 --> 00:02:32.340 align:middle line:84% You were a lot of math games and worksheets. 00:02:32.340 --> 00:02:34.950 align:middle line:90% You were 2 plus 1 equals blank. 00:02:34.950 --> 00:02:37.550 align:middle line:84% And if I have three oranges and give two away, 00:02:37.550 --> 00:02:39.090 align:middle line:90% how many do I have? 00:02:39.090 --> 00:02:41.510 align:middle line:90% What am I left with? 00:02:41.510 --> 00:02:43.340 align:middle line:84% I mean, you were tonsils and adenoids, 00:02:43.340 --> 00:02:45.770 align:middle line:84% meaning you were too big to swallow. 00:02:45.770 --> 00:02:47.570 align:middle line:90% You were suffocating. 00:02:47.570 --> 00:02:50.390 align:middle line:84% At night when I rasped, startling myself, 00:02:50.390 --> 00:02:52.970 align:middle line:84% awake with a lack of oxygen, Dad heard 00:02:52.970 --> 00:02:55.070 align:middle line:90% me and he knew how to help. 00:02:55.070 --> 00:02:59.910 align:middle line:84% He flashed a flashlight down my throat and saw you glisten. 00:02:59.910 --> 00:03:03.210 align:middle line:84% You were the hospital, the needle, the numbing cream, 00:03:03.210 --> 00:03:04.620 align:middle line:90% the screaming. 00:03:04.620 --> 00:03:09.150 align:middle line:84% You were high pitched and sharp, a knife splitting almonds. 00:03:09.150 --> 00:03:10.950 align:middle line:90% You were popsicles and pudding. 00:03:10.950 --> 00:03:13.950 align:middle line:90% You were reruns of Matlock. 00:03:13.950 --> 00:03:17.760 align:middle line:84% You were vanilla yogurt, the kind I ate for breakfast. 00:03:17.760 --> 00:03:21.660 align:middle line:84% Eventually, you were just a story to tell friends. 00:03:21.660 --> 00:03:23.820 align:middle line:84% You were the protective goggles my brother 00:03:23.820 --> 00:03:26.460 align:middle line:84% and I wore when we chiseled away at fake fossils 00:03:26.460 --> 00:03:27.820 align:middle line:90% on the kitchen counter. 00:03:27.820 --> 00:03:32.070 align:middle line:84% Two siblings eager to find bone, dust-coating the Formica 00:03:32.070 --> 00:03:34.850 align:middle line:90% like dried sweat on skin. 00:03:34.850 --> 00:03:37.700 align:middle line:84% You are the protective goggles Dad insisted I wear, 00:03:37.700 --> 00:03:39.750 align:middle line:84% even though they were a little too big. 00:03:39.750 --> 00:03:43.350 align:middle line:84% 'Better safe than sorry,' he said. 00:03:43.350 --> 00:03:46.650 align:middle line:84% You are the chickenpox I gave a family friend at our chickenpox 00:03:46.650 --> 00:03:47.550 align:middle line:90% party. 00:03:47.550 --> 00:03:51.600 align:middle line:84% The ones that sent him to the hospital but just made me itch. 00:03:51.600 --> 00:03:54.060 align:middle line:84% We ran around in the yard, playing tag 00:03:54.060 --> 00:03:57.240 align:middle line:84% and letting the grass squish beneath our bare feet. 00:03:57.240 --> 00:04:00.240 align:middle line:84% That virus still swims in my body, sure, 00:04:00.240 --> 00:04:02.610 align:middle line:84% but it hasn't been in my skin since. 00:04:02.610 --> 00:04:05.790 align:middle line:84% I sometimes wonder, why was I lucky? 00:04:05.790 --> 00:04:09.940 align:middle line:84% Back then when red dots pockmarked my body, 00:04:09.940 --> 00:04:13.980 align:middle line:84% you were just a lot of hydrocortisone cream. 00:04:13.980 --> 00:04:17.649 align:middle line:84% You are my bike in the Richland Fashion Mall parking lot. 00:04:17.649 --> 00:04:20.970 align:middle line:84% The floor still dark despite the overhead fluorescence, 00:04:20.970 --> 00:04:23.730 align:middle line:84% streamers rustling in the breeze. 00:04:23.730 --> 00:04:26.400 align:middle line:84% Dad pushed me one hand on the handlebars 00:04:26.400 --> 00:04:28.800 align:middle line:84% and one on the seat steadying me. 00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:31.890 align:middle line:84% He ran beside me and then let go. 00:04:31.890 --> 00:04:37.100 align:middle line:84% A classic movie scene, almost too cliched to be true. 00:04:37.100 --> 00:04:39.240 align:middle line:90% Then it was just you and me. 00:04:39.240 --> 00:04:41.950 align:middle line:90% No one to save us. 00:04:41.950 --> 00:04:44.780 align:middle line:84% You were gravity-winning, and then you weren't. 00:04:44.780 --> 00:04:47.950 align:middle line:84% You were the brakes I still needed to learn how to use. 00:04:47.950 --> 00:04:50.690 align:middle line:84% You're badges of honor, scraped elbows. 00:04:50.690 --> 00:04:53.680 align:middle line:90% You are pain overcome. 00:04:53.680 --> 00:04:57.190 align:middle line:84% You're sips from Dad's diet coke, sweet aspartame that 00:04:57.190 --> 00:04:59.200 align:middle line:90% made me hunger for more. 00:04:59.200 --> 00:05:01.790 align:middle line:90% Did you know what was coming? 00:05:01.790 --> 00:05:04.910 align:middle line:84% Did you know that soon the pain would never go away? 00:05:04.910 --> 00:05:07.010 align:middle line:90% I want to slow down. 00:05:07.010 --> 00:05:10.170 align:middle line:84% Let me have this happiness for just a little while longer, 00:05:10.170 --> 00:05:11.090 align:middle line:90% please. 00:05:11.090 --> 00:05:15.110 align:middle line:90% Let me stay here, please. 00:05:15.110 --> 00:05:18.000 align:middle line:84% Once you were Dad's car and my high school parking lot. 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:19.350 align:middle line:90% Me behind the wheel. 00:05:19.350 --> 00:05:22.010 align:middle line:84% Old Green Day turned low on the radio, 00:05:22.010 --> 00:05:24.770 align:middle line:84% then clicked off for concentration. 00:05:24.770 --> 00:05:27.750 align:middle line:84% You were the pollen lines curved by rain. 00:05:27.750 --> 00:05:29.870 align:middle line:84% You were the pine needles I eased over 00:05:29.870 --> 00:05:34.030 align:middle line:84% and the smell of evergreens in the air. 00:05:34.030 --> 00:05:37.790 align:middle line:84% You were the brakes jolting, my hands sweaty. 00:05:37.790 --> 00:05:41.620 align:middle line:84% You were the curbs I hit and then didn't, the white lines 00:05:41.620 --> 00:05:44.350 align:middle line:84% I parked over and on and in between. 00:05:44.350 --> 00:05:46.340 align:middle line:90% Dad was patient with me. 00:05:46.340 --> 00:05:49.930 align:middle line:84% He let me take all the time I needed, meting out minutes 00:05:49.930 --> 00:05:53.180 align:middle line:84% like the ticker tape would never end. 00:05:53.180 --> 00:05:56.000 align:middle line:84% You were the conjugation of être and photosynthesis 00:05:56.000 --> 00:05:57.210 align:middle line:90% and derivatives. 00:05:57.210 --> 00:05:59.720 align:middle line:84% You were good grades, a small bus 00:05:59.720 --> 00:06:01.640 align:middle line:90% on the way to math competition. 00:06:01.640 --> 00:06:04.880 align:middle line:84% You were numbers-- a ribboned metal emblazoned 00:06:04.880 --> 00:06:08.500 align:middle line:84% with a calculator and division symbol. 00:06:08.500 --> 00:06:10.600 align:middle line:84% You were that boy's broken femur, 00:06:10.600 --> 00:06:14.110 align:middle line:84% the one he cracked in half during a game of pickup soccer. 00:06:14.110 --> 00:06:16.470 align:middle line:84% We drove him to the hospital in Dad's car-- 00:06:16.470 --> 00:06:19.120 align:middle line:84% Dad in the driver's seat, me in the passenger, 00:06:19.120 --> 00:06:21.610 align:middle line:84% and him laid out across the back. 00:06:21.610 --> 00:06:24.940 align:middle line:84% You were his low, constant moans, 00:06:24.940 --> 00:06:29.290 align:middle line:84% the speed bumps we drove over slow, the railroad tracks 00:06:29.290 --> 00:06:30.850 align:middle line:90% we couldn't avoid. 00:06:30.850 --> 00:06:35.640 align:middle line:84% We could only listen as he cried over his broken body. 00:06:35.640 --> 00:06:38.610 align:middle line:84% You were the car, first, a silver Volvo, 00:06:38.610 --> 00:06:42.030 align:middle line:84% then a silver Mazda, the calculated gas 00:06:42.030 --> 00:06:44.610 align:middle line:84% mileage at the gas station, the equations 00:06:44.610 --> 00:06:46.950 align:middle line:84% Dad made me run through, the numbers 00:06:46.950 --> 00:06:51.290 align:middle line:84% that told us how far we could go with what we had. 00:06:51.290 --> 00:06:55.820 align:middle line:84% You are a growth in Dad's pancreas-- a tumor. 00:06:55.820 --> 00:07:00.670 align:middle line:84% Mom did not call you cancer, but that's what you were. 00:07:00.670 --> 00:07:03.290 align:middle line:84% You were Sufjan Stevens Impossible Soul, 00:07:03.290 --> 00:07:07.580 align:middle line:84% the longest track on the album over and over and over again, 00:07:07.580 --> 00:07:10.210 align:middle line:90% alone on the drive to school. 00:07:10.210 --> 00:07:12.400 align:middle line:84% If I got to the parking lot early enough 00:07:12.400 --> 00:07:15.040 align:middle line:84% before too many other people were milling about, 00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:19.650 align:middle line:84% I would sink down in my seat and listen as I watched the sky. 00:07:19.650 --> 00:07:24.010 align:middle line:90% The pulp of my body scraped out. 00:07:24.010 --> 00:07:26.110 align:middle line:84% You're diet lemonade because what if the Diet 00:07:26.110 --> 00:07:28.860 align:middle line:90% Coke had caused the cancer? 00:07:28.860 --> 00:07:31.620 align:middle line:84% You're big armchairs beside IV drips, 00:07:31.620 --> 00:07:34.320 align:middle line:84% room temperature yellow Gatorade because the cold 00:07:34.320 --> 00:07:36.510 align:middle line:90% interfered with the medicine. 00:07:36.510 --> 00:07:39.540 align:middle line:84% You were canceled runs, swollen ankles. 00:07:39.540 --> 00:07:44.390 align:middle line:84% You were one thing and then all at once another, dying, 00:07:44.390 --> 00:07:47.020 align:middle line:90% you were dying. 00:07:47.020 --> 00:07:48.730 align:middle line:84% I can say that now, now that you've 00:07:48.730 --> 00:07:50.840 align:middle line:84% been gone for the better part of a decade. 00:07:50.840 --> 00:07:53.230 align:middle line:84% At the time, though, I couldn't even think it. 00:07:53.230 --> 00:07:56.290 align:middle line:84% Some things were beyond imagination. 00:07:56.290 --> 00:07:59.350 align:middle line:84% I thought I would see the end for what it was. 00:07:59.350 --> 00:08:03.830 align:middle line:84% I thought I would know that it wouldn't come until I was ready. 00:08:03.830 --> 00:08:08.430 align:middle line:84% Sometimes hope looks like foolishness. 00:08:08.430 --> 00:08:10.470 align:middle line:90% You were WebMD at night. 00:08:10.470 --> 00:08:13.260 align:middle line:84% I huddled under a thin sheet in bed with my phone 00:08:13.260 --> 00:08:15.120 align:middle line:90% cocooning myself. 00:08:15.120 --> 00:08:18.010 align:middle line:84% You were a 7% five-year survival rate, 00:08:18.010 --> 00:08:19.890 align:middle line:84% but I didn't tell anyone this because I 00:08:19.890 --> 00:08:21.890 align:middle line:90% couldn't say the words. 00:08:21.890 --> 00:08:26.690 align:middle line:84% I couldn't speak those numbers, make them real in my mouth. 00:08:26.690 --> 00:08:28.430 align:middle line:84% You were thick envelopes in the mail 00:08:28.430 --> 00:08:31.430 align:middle line:84% for my brother, the ones he opened at the dining room table 00:08:31.430 --> 00:08:33.440 align:middle line:84% with the whole family, huddled around 00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:35.960 align:middle line:90% like we were hungry for a feast. 00:08:35.960 --> 00:08:40.760 align:middle line:84% You were his fingers, greedy for the insides and imagined future. 00:08:40.760 --> 00:08:44.350 align:middle line:84% You were expensive college tuitions. 00:08:44.350 --> 00:08:46.600 align:middle line:84% You were painkillers and the CDs Dad 00:08:46.600 --> 00:08:50.020 align:middle line:84% handed me, the pen he tried to write on it with. 00:08:50.020 --> 00:08:51.620 align:middle line:90% What CD were you? 00:08:51.620 --> 00:08:52.970 align:middle line:90% I can't remember now. 00:08:52.970 --> 00:08:54.830 align:middle line:90% Does it matter? 00:08:54.830 --> 00:08:58.430 align:middle line:84% You are his slurred words, more slurred than any drunk speech 00:08:58.430 --> 00:09:03.070 align:middle line:84% I've ever heard, an electric guitar slide I couldn't track. 00:09:03.070 --> 00:09:06.880 align:middle line:84% Yes, we can sell that, Mom said as she took the disk 00:09:06.880 --> 00:09:08.860 align:middle line:90% and told me to go to my room. 00:09:08.860 --> 00:09:12.010 align:middle line:84% She knew not to puncture the world he lived in, 00:09:12.010 --> 00:09:14.560 align:middle line:84% to let him think that everything would be OK, 00:09:14.560 --> 00:09:16.450 align:middle line:90% to let me think the same. 00:09:16.450 --> 00:09:18.680 align:middle line:90% And really, she thought it too. 00:09:18.680 --> 00:09:21.640 align:middle line:90% We thought you would be OK. 00:09:21.640 --> 00:09:24.040 align:middle line:84% You are the yogurt Dad covered himself in, 00:09:24.040 --> 00:09:26.830 align:middle line:84% the yogurt he thought was hydrocortisone cream, 00:09:26.830 --> 00:09:29.870 align:middle line:84% the invisible bites he thought he had. 00:09:29.870 --> 00:09:33.260 align:middle line:90% The pain pills, the pain. 00:09:33.260 --> 00:09:36.620 align:middle line:84% You are the wet paper towel Mom cleaned the couch with, 00:09:36.620 --> 00:09:38.850 align:middle line:90% the couch. 00:09:38.850 --> 00:09:43.330 align:middle line:84% You were vanilla yogurt, the kind I ate for breakfast. 00:09:43.330 --> 00:09:45.370 align:middle line:84% I remember you were the blueberry muffins 00:09:45.370 --> 00:09:49.530 align:middle line:84% we made while the miracle drug dripped into Dad's IV. 00:09:49.530 --> 00:09:54.000 align:middle line:84% Are the blueberries, so ripe, almost purple, a deep bruise. 00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:56.620 align:middle line:84% You were the red mixing bowl and the spatula 00:09:56.620 --> 00:09:58.530 align:middle line:90% I used to stir the batter. 00:09:58.530 --> 00:10:01.980 align:middle line:84% Dad usually stirred, but with his backpack 00:10:01.980 --> 00:10:04.680 align:middle line:84% filled with the miracle drug slung over his shoulder, 00:10:04.680 --> 00:10:06.780 align:middle line:90% his tubes got in the way. 00:10:06.780 --> 00:10:09.590 align:middle line:84% You are the tubes but you weren't the miracle drug. 00:10:09.590 --> 00:10:12.650 align:middle line:90% Nothing was the miracle drug. 00:10:12.650 --> 00:10:14.690 align:middle line:84% You were lime green bracelets that said, 00:10:14.690 --> 00:10:18.360 align:middle line:84% it's not about the numbers, except it was about the numbers. 00:10:18.360 --> 00:10:21.410 align:middle line:84% Cancer growing, white blood cells depleting, 00:10:21.410 --> 00:10:23.370 align:middle line:90% you were the numbers. 00:10:23.370 --> 00:10:27.180 align:middle line:84% You were ice chips slipping down the throat, coughing. 00:10:27.180 --> 00:10:29.130 align:middle line:84% You were the corner hospital room, 00:10:29.130 --> 00:10:33.550 align:middle line:84% the one we moved to after the first one got too crowded. 00:10:33.550 --> 00:10:36.140 align:middle line:84% You were Dad's car on the drive home that night, 00:10:36.140 --> 00:10:39.210 align:middle line:84% the night they told us he would make it through. 00:10:39.210 --> 00:10:42.430 align:middle line:84% Mom in the driver's seat, me in the passenger, 00:10:42.430 --> 00:10:45.900 align:middle line:84% my throw-up smeared across the silver door, 00:10:45.900 --> 00:10:49.050 align:middle line:84% the slim birch tree I held when Mom pulled over 00:10:49.050 --> 00:10:53.270 align:middle line:84% to let me empty the nothingness inside me. 00:10:53.270 --> 00:10:56.270 align:middle line:84% You were time slowed down, molasses, 00:10:56.270 --> 00:10:58.670 align:middle line:90% a minute stretched like taffy. 00:10:58.670 --> 00:11:00.920 align:middle line:84% You were prayers, even though I wasn't 00:11:00.920 --> 00:11:03.530 align:middle line:90% sure it would do anything. 00:11:03.530 --> 00:11:06.800 align:middle line:84% You are his breath, the effort it took to breathe, 00:11:06.800 --> 00:11:09.510 align:middle line:84% the air scratching at his esophagus. 00:11:09.510 --> 00:11:11.050 align:middle line:90% You were that rasp. 00:11:11.050 --> 00:11:14.110 align:middle line:90% The sound that won't leave me. 00:11:14.110 --> 00:11:15.340 align:middle line:90% You were Dad's hand-- 00:11:15.340 --> 00:11:20.790 align:middle line:84% cold and heavy, the last piece of him I touched. 00:11:20.790 --> 00:11:24.430 align:middle line:84% You weren't my 18th birthday or my 20th or my 21st. 00:11:24.430 --> 00:11:26.670 align:middle line:90% What did numbers matter after? 00:11:26.670 --> 00:11:29.530 align:middle line:84% You weren't half a can of Bud Light on prom night. 00:11:29.530 --> 00:11:31.990 align:middle line:84% You weren't a bottle of gin in a dorm room. 00:11:31.990 --> 00:11:35.400 align:middle line:84% The way it felt cold, then warm, and then 00:11:35.400 --> 00:11:38.500 align:middle line:84% nothing felt like anything at all. 00:11:38.500 --> 00:11:42.040 align:middle line:84% You weren't a mysterious illness, one that left me tired, 00:11:42.040 --> 00:11:45.040 align:middle line:84% pulled vials of blood from my good veins 00:11:45.040 --> 00:11:48.150 align:middle line:90% and gave me nothing in return. 00:11:48.150 --> 00:11:51.840 align:middle line:84% You weren't my car, the silver car, Dad's old car, 00:11:51.840 --> 00:11:55.260 align:middle line:84% ramming into brick walls, denting the front and back 00:11:55.260 --> 00:11:56.740 align:middle line:90% bumper. 00:11:56.740 --> 00:12:00.520 align:middle line:84% You weren't the tires swerving, smashing into a raised curb, 00:12:00.520 --> 00:12:04.210 align:middle line:84% the way a hole shredded open on impact. 00:12:04.210 --> 00:12:06.370 align:middle line:84% At the shop, the mechanic looked at the old tire 00:12:06.370 --> 00:12:07.820 align:middle line:90% stored in my trunk. 00:12:07.820 --> 00:12:11.980 align:middle line:84% 'Man,' he said, 'that's really gone.' 00:12:11.980 --> 00:12:15.070 align:middle line:84% You weren't majors and minors picking out colleges. 00:12:15.070 --> 00:12:19.090 align:middle line:84% You weren't waist deep snow, the chill that made my cheeks ache. 00:12:19.090 --> 00:12:21.130 align:middle line:90% I couldn't stop smiling. 00:12:21.130 --> 00:12:25.340 align:middle line:84% The covered lawn, the library, the clock. 00:12:25.340 --> 00:12:28.340 align:middle line:84% You weren't the kitchen counter, the letter. 00:12:28.340 --> 00:12:30.750 align:middle line:90% The way Mom and I sobbed. 00:12:30.750 --> 00:12:34.490 align:middle line:84% It was Dad's Alma mater, but I turned it down. 00:12:34.490 --> 00:12:36.850 align:middle line:90% It was too expensive. 00:12:36.850 --> 00:12:38.770 align:middle line:84% You weren't the ache that never left. 00:12:38.770 --> 00:12:43.860 align:middle line:84% My life cleaved between what is and what could have been. 00:12:43.860 --> 00:12:47.220 align:middle line:84% Years after you were gone, I read Didion's Slouching Towards 00:12:47.220 --> 00:12:48.720 align:middle line:90% Bethlehem. 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:51.000 align:middle line:84% It is easy to see the beginnings of things 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:52.840 align:middle line:90% and harder to see the ends. 00:12:52.840 --> 00:12:55.500 align:middle line:84% But I know exactly when you ended. 00:12:55.500 --> 00:12:58.680 align:middle line:90% You couldn't exist without Dad. 00:12:58.680 --> 00:13:00.840 align:middle line:84% Maybe what Didion means is that it's harder 00:13:00.840 --> 00:13:03.330 align:middle line:90% to look at the ends of things. 00:13:03.330 --> 00:13:05.430 align:middle line:84% Almost 10 years later, and I still 00:13:05.430 --> 00:13:08.470 align:middle line:90% crinkle when I hear the Ramones. 00:13:08.470 --> 00:13:10.630 align:middle line:84% You weren't dance floor make-outs, arms, 00:13:10.630 --> 00:13:14.660 align:middle line:84% trailing bodies, waist, thighs, chest, lips. 00:13:14.660 --> 00:13:16.640 align:middle line:90% You weren't misplaced hunger. 00:13:16.640 --> 00:13:18.530 align:middle line:90% I ate anything I could. 00:13:18.530 --> 00:13:21.870 align:middle line:84% I tried desperately not to collapse. 00:13:21.870 --> 00:13:25.030 align:middle line:84% You weren't Frankenstein or the epistolary mode. 00:13:25.030 --> 00:13:28.120 align:middle line:84% You weren't heavy textbooks that curved my spine. 00:13:28.120 --> 00:13:31.270 align:middle line:84% My statistics class or the years or days. 00:13:31.270 --> 00:13:34.230 align:middle line:84% You weren't numbers I could manipulate. 00:13:34.230 --> 00:13:36.240 align:middle line:84% You weren't a crowded music festival 00:13:36.240 --> 00:13:38.700 align:middle line:84% with songs that vibrated my bones, all 00:13:38.700 --> 00:13:41.700 align:middle line:90% those bodies sweating, swaying. 00:13:41.700 --> 00:13:45.040 align:middle line:84% You weren't Anderson Paak or Muna or Sylvan Esso. 00:13:45.040 --> 00:13:47.310 align:middle line:84% You weren't the Jack and Coke I drank outdoors, 00:13:47.310 --> 00:13:49.090 align:middle line:90% waiting for the next act. 00:13:49.090 --> 00:13:53.130 align:middle line:84% The way the liquid slid down my throat, cool and traceable 00:13:53.130 --> 00:13:57.130 align:middle line:84% until it dispersed, Until it disappeared. 00:13:57.130 --> 00:13:59.650 align:middle line:90% You weren't Diet Coke. 00:13:59.650 --> 00:14:02.740 align:middle line:84% Why weren't you a different DNA sequence? 00:14:02.740 --> 00:14:07.240 align:middle line:84% Why weren't you higher blood cell counts or shrinking tumor? 00:14:07.240 --> 00:14:10.390 align:middle line:90% Why were you take and not give? 00:14:10.390 --> 00:14:14.740 align:middle line:84% You were so many things, so why weren't you a miracle?" 00:14:14.740 --> 00:14:16.077 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:14:16.077 --> 00:14:18.999 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:14:18.999 --> 00:14:28.270 align:middle line:90% 00:14:28.270 --> 00:14:28.990 align:middle line:90% Damn. 00:14:28.990 --> 00:14:30.970 align:middle line:90% OK. 00:14:30.970 --> 00:14:37.970 align:middle line:84% You're going to take a moment to reset wisdom. 00:14:37.970 --> 00:14:39.520 align:middle line:90% Sorcerer. 00:14:39.520 --> 00:14:42.000 align:middle line:90%