WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.840 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.840 --> 00:00:01.920 align:middle line:90% Thanks for being here. 00:00:01.920 --> 00:00:03.087 align:middle line:90% Does anybody know the score? 00:00:03.087 --> 00:00:07.490 align:middle line:90% 00:00:07.490 --> 00:00:10.187 align:middle line:84% It was 2-0, Michigan, when I left the restaurant. 00:00:10.187 --> 00:00:13.600 align:middle line:90% 00:00:13.600 --> 00:00:15.550 align:middle line:84% This is not a story from the collection. 00:00:15.550 --> 00:00:19.630 align:middle line:84% It's been characteristic of me that I'm not succinct enough 00:00:19.630 --> 00:00:24.880 align:middle line:84% to write something that would fit in a spot like this. 00:00:24.880 --> 00:00:26.380 align:middle line:90% So I chose a story. 00:00:26.380 --> 00:00:29.290 align:middle line:84% When in doubt, I just believe in choosing the last story. 00:00:29.290 --> 00:00:31.240 align:middle line:84% And this story is so much the last story 00:00:31.240 --> 00:00:34.330 align:middle line:84% that nobody had read it at all or seen it 00:00:34.330 --> 00:00:37.180 align:middle line:84% until about 20 minutes ago when my wife had a chance 00:00:37.180 --> 00:00:40.420 align:middle line:90% to skim it before the reading. 00:00:40.420 --> 00:00:45.310 align:middle line:84% So it's wide open and as raw as it might be. 00:00:45.310 --> 00:00:48.130 align:middle line:90% It's told in chunks. 00:00:48.130 --> 00:00:49.780 align:middle line:84% There's a lot of space breaks, and I'm 00:00:49.780 --> 00:00:52.340 align:middle line:84% going to pause when we get to those space breaks. 00:00:52.340 --> 00:00:53.775 align:middle line:84% It's a short story but it's still 00:00:53.775 --> 00:00:55.900 align:middle line:84% told in chunks so it's subdivided in little pieces. 00:00:55.900 --> 00:00:58.450 align:middle line:90% 00:00:58.450 --> 00:01:02.875 align:middle line:84% It is an utterly cheerless story. 00:01:02.875 --> 00:01:05.560 align:middle line:90% 00:01:05.560 --> 00:01:10.960 align:middle line:84% So I'm glad you had a chance to enjoy the kind of feast 00:01:10.960 --> 00:01:14.650 align:middle line:84% of sensual intellect that we've been getting from Barbara 00:01:14.650 --> 00:01:18.790 align:middle line:84% Cully's poems because you're not going to have that much fun now. 00:01:18.790 --> 00:01:20.960 align:middle line:84% I'm sorry, but it's the last story, 00:01:20.960 --> 00:01:23.890 align:middle line:84% and so that's why I'm reading it. 00:01:23.890 --> 00:01:26.140 align:middle line:84% The title is just about as cheerless as the story. 00:01:26.140 --> 00:01:27.805 align:middle line:90% The title is, "About Death." 00:01:27.805 --> 00:01:32.380 align:middle line:90% 00:01:32.380 --> 00:01:34.780 align:middle line:84% "My wife and I had planned a grand summer 00:01:34.780 --> 00:01:39.850 align:middle line:84% tour of the relatives, hers in New York, mine in Canada. 00:01:39.850 --> 00:01:41.860 align:middle line:84% There was our baby daughter to show off, 00:01:41.860 --> 00:01:45.040 align:middle line:84% but the trip centered around my mother. 00:01:45.040 --> 00:01:47.290 align:middle line:84% After years of strain between us, 00:01:47.290 --> 00:01:50.200 align:middle line:84% the new family seemed to absorb our attentions 00:01:50.200 --> 00:01:52.300 align:middle line:90% and we were comrades again. 00:01:52.300 --> 00:01:54.940 align:middle line:84% Ava, my wife, had adopted her and there 00:01:54.940 --> 00:01:57.940 align:middle line:90% was the adored grandchild. 00:01:57.940 --> 00:02:00.550 align:middle line:84% The four of us would drive across the country as my mother 00:02:00.550 --> 00:02:03.910 align:middle line:84% and I had in the old days, leisurely, shapeless 00:02:03.910 --> 00:02:08.530 align:middle line:84% peregrinations with frequent stops and intuitive digressions. 00:02:08.530 --> 00:02:10.539 align:middle line:84% Maybe we'd visit Bryce Canyon, which 00:02:10.539 --> 00:02:15.160 align:middle line:84% I hadn't seen since my mother and I hiked it 28 years before. 00:02:15.160 --> 00:02:17.620 align:middle line:90% A friend in Iowa had a farm. 00:02:17.620 --> 00:02:21.520 align:middle line:84% My mother's people would put us up in Quebec and meet Ava. 00:02:21.520 --> 00:02:23.680 align:middle line:84% Ava was apprehensive about the collision 00:02:23.680 --> 00:02:26.020 align:middle line:84% between her brusque alcoholic parents 00:02:26.020 --> 00:02:28.450 align:middle line:84% with their ethnic jokes and my mother. 00:02:28.450 --> 00:02:32.740 align:middle line:84% "You'll divorce me," Ava told her. 00:02:32.740 --> 00:02:36.040 align:middle line:84% Then a few weeks before departure, my mother 00:02:36.040 --> 00:02:38.320 align:middle line:90% said she wouldn't be going. 00:02:38.320 --> 00:02:41.410 align:middle line:84% Perhaps she found the trip overwhelming, we thought. 00:02:41.410 --> 00:02:44.080 align:middle line:84% Though recently she traveled to Egypt and Kenya, 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:46.750 align:middle line:84% that despite emphysema, bouts of asthma 00:02:46.750 --> 00:02:49.480 align:middle line:84% that had required hospitalization and a heart 00:02:49.480 --> 00:02:51.610 align:middle line:90% attack. 00:02:51.610 --> 00:02:55.360 align:middle line:84% The trip kept its epic proportions, though hollowly. 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:57.280 align:middle line:84% Still trying to share it with my mother, 00:02:57.280 --> 00:03:00.100 align:middle line:84% Ava and I mailed postcards almost daily. 00:03:00.100 --> 00:03:04.270 align:middle line:84% The replies were newsy, free of regret. 00:03:04.270 --> 00:03:06.340 align:middle line:84% When we returned home in August, my mother 00:03:06.340 --> 00:03:09.970 align:middle line:84% was thinner, carrying her upper body stiffly. 00:03:09.970 --> 00:03:13.000 align:middle line:84% Her smile had the pained, hopeful intensity 00:03:13.000 --> 00:03:15.670 align:middle line:90% of an abused child. 00:03:15.670 --> 00:03:17.600 align:middle line:84% Increasingly, the past several weeks 00:03:17.600 --> 00:03:19.570 align:middle line:84% she said a sore back had kept her 00:03:19.570 --> 00:03:23.530 align:middle line:84% from inhaling properly and coughing was agony. 00:03:23.530 --> 00:03:27.250 align:middle line:84% Her physician had pronounced the condition psychosomatic. 00:03:27.250 --> 00:03:31.000 align:middle line:84% For fear of spoiling our vacation, she hadn't told us. 00:03:31.000 --> 00:03:35.230 align:middle line:84% Still, she produced a monthly zoo newsletter 00:03:35.230 --> 00:03:37.870 align:middle line:84% and socialized with her circles of friends, 00:03:37.870 --> 00:03:41.620 align:middle line:84% other retired teachers, Unitarians from her church, 00:03:41.620 --> 00:03:44.980 align:middle line:84% and young artists she'd met in ceramics classes. 00:03:44.980 --> 00:03:46.940 align:middle line:84% She'd finished her best sculpture, 00:03:46.940 --> 00:03:50.680 align:middle line:84% an armadillo stippled by the point of a nail. 00:03:50.680 --> 00:03:53.860 align:middle line:84% Evenings out, she dressed with modest flash, batiks 00:03:53.860 --> 00:03:56.440 align:middle line:84% or Guatemalan smocks with chunky folk jewelry 00:03:56.440 --> 00:03:57.490 align:middle line:90% from the UNICEF shop. 00:03:57.490 --> 00:04:01.170 align:middle line:90% 00:04:01.170 --> 00:04:04.830 align:middle line:84% Another doctor diagnosed her with compressed disk fractures. 00:04:04.830 --> 00:04:06.840 align:middle line:84% Probably her bronchial medication 00:04:06.840 --> 00:04:08.850 align:middle line:84% had contributed to the leaching of calcium 00:04:08.850 --> 00:04:10.110 align:middle line:90% from the brittle bones. 00:04:10.110 --> 00:04:11.700 align:middle line:90% Coughing had cracked them. 00:04:11.700 --> 00:04:14.740 align:middle line:90% 00:04:14.740 --> 00:04:16.209 align:middle line:84% Because my mother no longer could 00:04:16.209 --> 00:04:19.269 align:middle line:84% babysit her granddaughter, Caitlin, alone or physically 00:04:19.269 --> 00:04:22.360 align:middle line:84% pick her up, Ava and I cut our work hours 00:04:22.360 --> 00:04:25.600 align:middle line:84% and took shifts at home so the two still could be together. 00:04:25.600 --> 00:04:28.660 align:middle line:84% Granny and Caitlin batted the inflatable Tweety Bird back 00:04:28.660 --> 00:04:32.050 align:middle line:84% and forth for easy chuckles, but Granny particularly respected 00:04:32.050 --> 00:04:34.510 align:middle line:90% a 13-month-old's busyness. 00:04:34.510 --> 00:04:37.930 align:middle line:84% Caitlin would classify her plastic dinosaurs by color 00:04:37.930 --> 00:04:41.200 align:middle line:84% or treat their illnesses with her doctor's kit. 00:04:41.200 --> 00:04:43.870 align:middle line:84% When a few months old, she had set up a backgammon board 00:04:43.870 --> 00:04:46.090 align:middle line:84% by accident, fiddling with the pieces 00:04:46.090 --> 00:04:49.000 align:middle line:84% until they were arranged nearly correctly. 00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:52.090 align:middle line:84% Only Granny could induce the child to nap. 00:04:52.090 --> 00:04:53.810 align:middle line:90% A swing was needed. 00:04:53.810 --> 00:04:56.800 align:middle line:84% So Granny had designed a canvas pouch silkscreen 00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:59.500 align:middle line:90% with stars and moon. 00:04:59.500 --> 00:05:01.510 align:middle line:84% At first when Granny pushed and sang, 00:05:01.510 --> 00:05:05.200 align:middle line:84% Caitlin's head peered out with defiant alertness. 00:05:05.200 --> 00:05:09.040 align:middle line:84% Gradually, it would loll against the side, her face hanging 00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:12.640 align:middle line:84% over the lip, swelling out the canvas like a pelican's crop. 00:05:12.640 --> 00:05:15.840 align:middle line:90% 00:05:15.840 --> 00:05:18.780 align:middle line:84% By mid-September, my mother complained that the back pain 00:05:18.780 --> 00:05:20.610 align:middle line:90% didn't allow her to sleep. 00:05:20.610 --> 00:05:22.980 align:middle line:84% She preferred to bed down on the couch, 00:05:22.980 --> 00:05:25.140 align:middle line:90% avoiding the climb-up stairs. 00:05:25.140 --> 00:05:28.950 align:middle line:84% Near the end of the month, she went in the hospital. 00:05:28.950 --> 00:05:31.080 align:middle line:84% Except for the harsh breathing, she 00:05:31.080 --> 00:05:34.050 align:middle line:90% seemed lifeless as driftwood. 00:05:34.050 --> 00:05:37.620 align:middle line:90% Her eyes were closed, skin gray. 00:05:37.620 --> 00:05:40.530 align:middle line:84% I knelt by the bed, crying with shock. 00:05:40.530 --> 00:05:44.100 align:middle line:84% Clear tubes carried pure oxygen into her nostrils. 00:05:44.100 --> 00:05:47.460 align:middle line:84% Oxygen saturation of the blood was dangerously low, 00:05:47.460 --> 00:05:49.750 align:middle line:90% the doctor said. 00:05:49.750 --> 00:05:53.670 align:middle line:84% In her presence, my emotions often felt rehearsed. 00:05:53.670 --> 00:05:57.210 align:middle line:84% The more she demanded, coaxed my spontaneity, 00:05:57.210 --> 00:05:59.700 align:middle line:90% the more I held back. 00:05:59.700 --> 00:06:02.650 align:middle line:84% But when I said, "I don't want you to be this way," 00:06:02.650 --> 00:06:05.640 align:middle line:84% the words were pulled out of me like a stopper. 00:06:05.640 --> 00:06:09.480 align:middle line:84% I caressed her hands, my head hidden in the mattress. 00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:12.930 align:middle line:84% The grief was unchecked; only slightly 00:06:12.930 --> 00:06:17.790 align:middle line:84% did my awareness of this return my self-consciousness. 00:06:17.790 --> 00:06:20.580 align:middle line:84% Discharging her, the doctor prescribed a hospital bed 00:06:20.580 --> 00:06:23.400 align:middle line:84% to replace the couch and an oxygen dispenser 00:06:23.400 --> 00:06:26.370 align:middle line:84% with a portable dolly mounted tank. 00:06:26.370 --> 00:06:29.520 align:middle line:84% She was to wear the tubes at all times. 00:06:29.520 --> 00:06:33.570 align:middle line:84% An AARP volunteer was engaged to assist her mornings, 00:06:33.570 --> 00:06:36.120 align:middle line:84% but my mother found the woman irksomely limited 00:06:36.120 --> 00:06:37.770 align:middle line:90% and dismissed her. 00:06:37.770 --> 00:06:39.750 align:middle line:84% That Tuesday she attended the symphony, 00:06:39.750 --> 00:06:41.970 align:middle line:84% wheeling the tank in front of her. 00:06:41.970 --> 00:06:46.500 align:middle line:84% Thursday, she called at 3:00 AM asking for help getting a drink 00:06:46.500 --> 00:06:47.760 align:middle line:90% of water. 00:06:47.760 --> 00:06:50.130 align:middle line:84% I went that night, Ava, the next. 00:06:50.130 --> 00:06:53.030 align:middle line:90% 00:06:53.030 --> 00:06:54.860 align:middle line:84% Sunday, she couldn't sit at the table 00:06:54.860 --> 00:06:56.570 align:middle line:90% for the dinner we'd cooked. 00:06:56.570 --> 00:06:58.640 align:middle line:90% We served her in bed. 00:06:58.640 --> 00:07:02.240 align:middle line:84% Caitlin called to her with desolated, outraged insistence, 00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:04.340 align:middle line:84% then sobbed inconsolably even when 00:07:04.340 --> 00:07:06.500 align:middle line:84% I took her outside to the swings. 00:07:06.500 --> 00:07:08.690 align:middle line:90% She cried over an hour. 00:07:08.690 --> 00:07:12.230 align:middle line:84% We held a council of war, Ava, my mother and I. 00:07:12.230 --> 00:07:15.260 align:middle line:84% The only solution, I said, was to rent a place large enough 00:07:15.260 --> 00:07:17.420 align:middle line:90% so my mother could live with us. 00:07:17.420 --> 00:07:20.540 align:middle line:84% Ava, who considered a half day visit with her own mother 00:07:20.540 --> 00:07:24.230 align:middle line:84% just about my limit, accepted this reinvention 00:07:24.230 --> 00:07:27.410 align:middle line:84% of her daily life warmly without question. 00:07:27.410 --> 00:07:30.380 align:middle line:84% By the end of our talk, she was circling classified ads. 00:07:30.380 --> 00:07:33.620 align:middle line:84% That was our method: decisive conceptually, 00:07:33.620 --> 00:07:36.410 align:middle line:84% I would shrink and panic from the implications 00:07:36.410 --> 00:07:40.730 align:middle line:84% while Ava already had filled in the details. 00:07:40.730 --> 00:07:42.800 align:middle line:84% Meanwhile, we convinced the medical powers 00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:46.040 align:middle line:84% to assign a home nurse for at least a shift a day. 00:07:46.040 --> 00:07:48.230 align:middle line:84% A great-hearted neighbor, herself a nurse, 00:07:48.230 --> 00:07:49.820 align:middle line:90% took over afternoons. 00:07:49.820 --> 00:07:52.130 align:middle line:84% The calls in the night continued. 00:07:52.130 --> 00:07:55.670 align:middle line:84% I stayed over Tuesday, intending to sleep in the spare bedroom 00:07:55.670 --> 00:07:57.110 align:middle line:90% upstairs. 00:07:57.110 --> 00:07:58.970 align:middle line:84% The system was if my mother needed 00:07:58.970 --> 00:08:01.220 align:middle line:84% help she'd ring a miniature cowbell, 00:08:01.220 --> 00:08:04.400 align:middle line:84% a souvenir from the local minor league team. 00:08:04.400 --> 00:08:06.800 align:middle line:84% The little clapper sounded six times that night 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:09.680 align:middle line:84% for water, the toilet, for me to read aloud 00:08:09.680 --> 00:08:14.240 align:middle line:84% her favorite chapter in Joseph Wood Krutch's The Desert Year. 00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:18.320 align:middle line:84% It concerned the spadefoot toad who lives buried in dried mud 00:08:18.320 --> 00:08:22.610 align:middle line:84% for its entire life, emerging once a year to bellow joyously 00:08:22.610 --> 00:08:24.650 align:middle line:90% during the summer monsoon. 00:08:24.650 --> 00:08:27.410 align:middle line:84% "I can almost hear their croaking, raack, 00:08:27.410 --> 00:08:30.890 align:middle line:84% surrounding that old house we had," she said. 00:08:30.890 --> 00:08:33.440 align:middle line:84% "As if we lived way out in the country," I said, 00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:37.039 align:middle line:84% thinking of the house I'd known only from visits during college. 00:08:37.039 --> 00:08:39.559 align:middle line:84% Those hadn't been the better times for us, 00:08:39.559 --> 00:08:42.110 align:middle line:84% not like Bryce Canyon or horseback 00:08:42.110 --> 00:08:45.740 align:middle line:84% riding for entire afternoons when I'd make up stories for her 00:08:45.740 --> 00:08:47.660 align:middle line:90% about the animals we spotted. 00:08:47.660 --> 00:08:50.420 align:middle line:84% In my plots, the ground squirrel or coyote 00:08:50.420 --> 00:08:53.030 align:middle line:84% formed lifelong correspondences with us 00:08:53.030 --> 00:08:54.770 align:middle line:84% just as my mother did with tourists 00:08:54.770 --> 00:08:58.730 align:middle line:84% we met at an Anasazi ruin or waiting in line at Disneyland. 00:08:58.730 --> 00:09:01.880 align:middle line:84% I would write out and illustrate these tales, then bind them 00:09:01.880 --> 00:09:03.800 align:middle line:90% in a cardboard dust jacket. 00:09:03.800 --> 00:09:07.670 align:middle line:84% I gave them to her eagerly, as if transferring my entire person 00:09:07.670 --> 00:09:10.170 align:middle line:90% into her hands. 00:09:10.170 --> 00:09:14.720 align:middle line:84% We were still listening in our heads to the spadefoots. 00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:16.850 align:middle line:84% Only afterward did the toad remind me 00:09:16.850 --> 00:09:20.690 align:middle line:84% how much she depended on satisfaction and pride 00:09:20.690 --> 00:09:24.350 align:middle line:90% and how little on pleasure. 00:09:24.350 --> 00:09:26.540 align:middle line:84% When I was in my mid-20s, newly returned 00:09:26.540 --> 00:09:29.180 align:middle line:84% to Tucson after a couple of years East, 00:09:29.180 --> 00:09:32.900 align:middle line:84% I decided I couldn't be my mother's intimate anymore. 00:09:32.900 --> 00:09:38.120 align:middle line:84% Burdened by her avidity for my happiness, I withdrew from her. 00:09:38.120 --> 00:09:40.700 align:middle line:84% "Of course, all in all," she told me after one 00:09:40.700 --> 00:09:43.190 align:middle line:84% of our infrequent dinners, "I would rather not have been 00:09:43.190 --> 00:09:44.960 align:middle line:90% born." 00:09:44.960 --> 00:09:47.900 align:middle line:84% I dismissed this as a punishment for my wounding her. 00:09:47.900 --> 00:09:50.480 align:middle line:90% 00:09:50.480 --> 00:09:52.670 align:middle line:90% Meals on Wheels fed her. 00:09:52.670 --> 00:09:54.740 align:middle line:84% Friends who had heard the symphony with her 00:09:54.740 --> 00:09:59.840 align:middle line:84% the week before, brought flowers and left speechless in tears. 00:09:59.840 --> 00:10:03.740 align:middle line:84% She wore only a long, comfortably baggy t-shirt. 00:10:03.740 --> 00:10:06.860 align:middle line:84% What small conversational mutterings they could elicit 00:10:06.860 --> 00:10:09.000 align:middle line:90% drifted in and out of sense. 00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:12.380 align:middle line:84% She frowned strenuously into space. 00:10:12.380 --> 00:10:15.290 align:middle line:84% Walked to the toilet supported under both arms, 00:10:15.290 --> 00:10:18.770 align:middle line:84% she was a slippery, flopping thing. 00:10:18.770 --> 00:10:20.480 align:middle line:84% I had to admit, Ava and I wouldn't 00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:22.400 align:middle line:90% be capable of caring for her. 00:10:22.400 --> 00:10:24.800 align:middle line:90% Next fallback, nursing home. 00:10:24.800 --> 00:10:28.280 align:middle line:84% My mother pursed her mouth: "Waste of money." 00:10:28.280 --> 00:10:29.645 align:middle line:90% "At least you have it," we said. 00:10:29.645 --> 00:10:32.630 align:middle line:90% 00:10:32.630 --> 00:10:35.690 align:middle line:84% Holding doggedly to her shrinking piece of ground, 00:10:35.690 --> 00:10:38.900 align:middle line:84% she read the Krutch books, propping the volumes on pillows 00:10:38.900 --> 00:10:41.600 align:middle line:84% because she was too weak to hold them. 00:10:41.600 --> 00:10:46.080 align:middle line:84% Her jaw clenched, terseness was beautifully clear. 00:10:46.080 --> 00:10:48.470 align:middle line:84% Keeping control of what was left of herself 00:10:48.470 --> 00:10:50.720 align:middle line:90% required all her concentration. 00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:53.570 align:middle line:90% Speech was an extravagance. 00:10:53.570 --> 00:10:56.900 align:middle line:84% Only once did she cry when she soiled herself. 00:10:56.900 --> 00:10:59.600 align:middle line:90% That was Friday. 00:10:59.600 --> 00:11:02.780 align:middle line:84% Late Friday night I sat up with her. 00:11:02.780 --> 00:11:04.640 align:middle line:90% "I'm walking," she said. 00:11:04.640 --> 00:11:09.230 align:middle line:84% "You were walking with me, Alex and Ava and Caitlin, 00:11:09.230 --> 00:11:11.000 align:middle line:90% I'm walking over the world. 00:11:11.000 --> 00:11:13.010 align:middle line:90% The stars are around us." 00:11:13.010 --> 00:11:15.410 align:middle line:90% Her voice was even and strong. 00:11:15.410 --> 00:11:17.420 align:middle line:90% We sat in peace. 00:11:17.420 --> 00:11:20.570 align:middle line:84% I was moved to the heart hearing my wife's and daughter's names 00:11:20.570 --> 00:11:22.040 align:middle line:90% with mine. 00:11:22.040 --> 00:11:23.750 align:middle line:84% At that moment what was happening to 00:11:23.750 --> 00:11:27.020 align:middle line:84% my mother began to fill me with awe. 00:11:27.020 --> 00:11:29.270 align:middle line:84% She described where she was going, 00:11:29.270 --> 00:11:32.660 align:middle line:84% a droll mountain range in China like the inside of an egg 00:11:32.660 --> 00:11:35.060 align:middle line:90% carton, the blue of the oceans. 00:11:35.060 --> 00:11:38.110 align:middle line:90% 00:11:38.110 --> 00:11:39.670 align:middle line:90% I went home near dawn. 00:11:39.670 --> 00:11:42.280 align:middle line:84% Shortly after, my mother called us desperate 00:11:42.280 --> 00:11:44.590 align:middle line:84% because she couldn't swallow, weeping. 00:11:44.590 --> 00:11:48.850 align:middle line:84% The townhouse as we entered had a stuffy, perfumed smell 00:11:48.850 --> 00:11:52.270 align:middle line:84% that would cling to every personal item, every article 00:11:52.270 --> 00:11:55.450 align:middle line:84% of clothing from every drawer for years. 00:11:55.450 --> 00:12:00.330 align:middle line:84% My mother pleaded, demanded that we would help her end her life. 00:12:00.330 --> 00:12:04.500 align:middle line:84% Through the Unitarian Church she had contacted a couple members 00:12:04.500 --> 00:12:08.790 align:middle line:84% of the Hemlock Society who were ready to provide the means. 00:12:08.790 --> 00:12:10.830 align:middle line:90% We promised. 00:12:10.830 --> 00:12:13.320 align:middle line:84% As we drove Caitlin home to a neighbor family who 00:12:13.320 --> 00:12:16.680 align:middle line:84% would sit for us, the child thrashed in Ava's arms, 00:12:16.680 --> 00:12:19.380 align:middle line:84% flinging her head backward into Ava's nose which 00:12:19.380 --> 00:12:21.960 align:middle line:90% immediately swelled, crookedly. 00:12:21.960 --> 00:12:24.900 align:middle line:84% Ava refused to bother with the clinic which days later would 00:12:24.900 --> 00:12:26.940 align:middle line:90% determine the nose was broken. 00:12:26.940 --> 00:12:29.910 align:middle line:84% On the car radio, the local University football team 00:12:29.910 --> 00:12:33.420 align:middle line:84% played powerhouse UCLA to a standstill. 00:12:33.420 --> 00:12:37.800 align:middle line:84% The game was the only feature of the day I recognized, a haven. 00:12:37.800 --> 00:12:41.160 align:middle line:84% I visualized each play unfolding and collapsing 00:12:41.160 --> 00:12:45.450 align:middle line:84% with meticulous clarity, a thin shanked receiver split wide, 00:12:45.450 --> 00:12:48.750 align:middle line:84% the center of the line buckling and nodding. 00:12:48.750 --> 00:12:52.470 align:middle line:84% I left Ava to keep my mother company. 00:12:52.470 --> 00:12:56.550 align:middle line:84% The mad momentum of the near past, every day the ground 00:12:56.550 --> 00:13:00.450 align:middle line:84% shifting beneath our feet had dropped us here. 00:13:00.450 --> 00:13:03.000 align:middle line:84% Yet as I drove to the Hemlock people's home, 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:06.690 align:middle line:84% my mind ran backwards, uncomprehending. 00:13:06.690 --> 00:13:10.050 align:middle line:84% A few days before we were all going to live together. 00:13:10.050 --> 00:13:11.760 align:middle line:84% Go back a couple of weeks and my mother 00:13:11.760 --> 00:13:14.790 align:middle line:84% was entertaining friends, three months and our itinerary 00:13:14.790 --> 00:13:17.250 align:middle line:90% had spanned the continent. 00:13:17.250 --> 00:13:19.870 align:middle line:84% I relived the scene forgotten for decades: 00:13:19.870 --> 00:13:22.710 align:middle line:84% My mother and I following dry sticks of vine 00:13:22.710 --> 00:13:26.070 align:middle line:84% along a sandy arroyo bed, knowing that eventually one 00:13:26.070 --> 00:13:29.970 align:middle line:84% would lead to gourds, vibrant yellow and green. 00:13:29.970 --> 00:13:31.620 align:middle line:90% We had talked incessantly. 00:13:31.620 --> 00:13:35.710 align:middle line:84% She was always soliciting my opinions as if I were an adult. 00:13:35.710 --> 00:13:38.880 align:middle line:84% "So what is Wilson Pickett with this Midnight Owl," she asked, 00:13:38.880 --> 00:13:41.310 align:middle line:90% "is that slang for his car?" 00:13:41.310 --> 00:13:45.480 align:middle line:84% "Hour," I corrected, "car music is over." 00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:48.810 align:middle line:84% Beyond patience, our mood had been a lazy assurance 00:13:48.810 --> 00:13:52.200 align:middle line:84% that the afternoon would not end, that there would be gourds 00:13:52.200 --> 00:13:54.690 align:middle line:84% even if the sun had to be stopped in the sky 00:13:54.690 --> 00:13:57.480 align:middle line:90% as the biblical Joshua had done. 00:13:57.480 --> 00:14:02.370 align:middle line:84% The memory made me so hazy, I wanted to pull over and sleep. 00:14:02.370 --> 00:14:05.820 align:middle line:84% Palo verde secluded the Hemlock Society house. 00:14:05.820 --> 00:14:09.840 align:middle line:84% A short gnome-ish elderly couple, he with a white goatee, 00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:12.240 align:middle line:84% welcomed me so ebulliently I suspected 00:14:12.240 --> 00:14:14.460 align:middle line:90% I was their first customer. 00:14:14.460 --> 00:14:17.010 align:middle line:84% They proffered literature and polemicized, 00:14:17.010 --> 00:14:20.490 align:middle line:84% shepherding me into the pantry with gentle pats and squeezes. 00:14:20.490 --> 00:14:24.360 align:middle line:84% There they scooped handfuls of Darvon into a plastic bag. 00:14:24.360 --> 00:14:26.640 align:middle line:84% "She can barely swallow a cup of water," I said, 00:14:26.640 --> 00:14:27.990 align:middle line:90% "how will she take them?" 00:14:27.990 --> 00:14:31.260 align:middle line:84% "You'll have to help," the man replied with fraternal gusto, 00:14:31.260 --> 00:14:32.940 align:middle line:90% nearly twinkling. 00:14:32.940 --> 00:14:34.200 align:middle line:90% They refused payment. 00:14:34.200 --> 00:14:36.510 align:middle line:84% I left them waving from the porch like Ma and Pa 00:14:36.510 --> 00:14:38.910 align:middle line:90% down on the farm. 00:14:38.910 --> 00:14:41.340 align:middle line:84% "So," I wondered in the car once more, 00:14:41.340 --> 00:14:44.190 align:middle line:84% "we'd have to dissolve the contents in liquid which she 00:14:44.190 --> 00:14:45.850 align:middle line:90% would sip for hours. 00:14:45.850 --> 00:14:49.590 align:middle line:84% What if she passed out before the lethal dose?" 00:14:49.590 --> 00:14:51.720 align:middle line:84% At the townhouse, my mother dressed 00:14:51.720 --> 00:14:54.870 align:middle line:84% in casual slacks and blouse, a glass bead necklace, 00:14:54.870 --> 00:14:57.390 align:middle line:84% held hands with Ava on the den couch. 00:14:57.390 --> 00:14:59.910 align:middle line:90% They were smiling and relaxed. 00:14:59.910 --> 00:15:03.300 align:middle line:84% The only jarring note, apart from Ava's bulging nose, 00:15:03.300 --> 00:15:06.270 align:middle line:84% was the tubing leading from the oxygen canister. 00:15:06.270 --> 00:15:08.700 align:middle line:84% A thick candle, the all-day variety 00:15:08.700 --> 00:15:11.610 align:middle line:84% we would light on birthdays, burned on the windowsill. 00:15:11.610 --> 00:15:14.490 align:middle line:90% NPR played on the radio. 00:15:14.490 --> 00:15:16.890 align:middle line:84% "I want for us to listen to "Prairie Home Companion" 00:15:16.890 --> 00:15:21.150 align:middle line:84% together first," my mother said, "I love Garrison Keillor." 00:15:21.150 --> 00:15:22.890 align:middle line:84% "I've never heard "it, I chatted dumbly, 00:15:22.890 --> 00:15:24.265 align:middle line:84% "we always went out on Saturdays, 00:15:24.265 --> 00:15:25.500 align:middle line:90% and then with Caitlin--" 00:15:25.500 --> 00:15:26.400 align:middle line:90% "It's delightful." 00:15:26.400 --> 00:15:26.910 align:middle line:90% She said 00:15:26.910 --> 00:15:29.460 align:middle line:90% [AUDIO OUT] 00:15:29.460 --> 00:15:32.220 align:middle line:90% --graciously stepped aside. 00:15:32.220 --> 00:15:34.860 align:middle line:84% If there was an autopsy, he said after hearing me out, 00:15:34.860 --> 00:15:37.620 align:middle line:84% as was possible with a relatively sudden death, 00:15:37.620 --> 00:15:40.980 align:middle line:84% we likely would be prosecuted for murder. 00:15:40.980 --> 00:15:43.200 align:middle line:84% Driving I imagined scenarios in which 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:46.170 align:middle line:84% we fought and beat the rap, but by the time 00:15:46.170 --> 00:15:50.400 align:middle line:84% I reached my mother's, I knew I hadn't the stomach for the test. 00:15:50.400 --> 00:15:52.350 align:middle line:84% "I'm sorry, Sweetie," I said, hugging her, 00:15:52.350 --> 00:15:54.040 align:middle line:90% "we can't do this for you. 00:15:54.040 --> 00:15:57.150 align:middle line:84% We'll have to think of something else." 00:15:57.150 --> 00:15:59.790 align:middle line:84% As she broke down again, in desperation, 00:15:59.790 --> 00:16:02.760 align:middle line:84% I considered asphyxiation, untraceable poisons, 00:16:02.760 --> 00:16:06.420 align:middle line:84% a collective trash heap of detective fiction. 00:16:06.420 --> 00:16:10.320 align:middle line:84% My mother removed the tubes and laid them on the couch. 00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:12.810 align:middle line:84% Ava helped her out of her clothing and into bed. 00:16:12.810 --> 00:16:16.290 align:middle line:84% She kissed us goodbye with a finality that I couldn't share. 00:16:16.290 --> 00:16:18.570 align:middle line:84% After all, less than two weeks before, 00:16:18.570 --> 00:16:20.760 align:middle line:84% she'd breathed without any apparatus. 00:16:20.760 --> 00:16:24.420 align:middle line:84% Yet within an hour, she was unconscious. 00:16:24.420 --> 00:16:27.900 align:middle line:84% Ava called the sitters and asked them to take Caitlin overnight. 00:16:27.900 --> 00:16:30.030 align:middle line:84% Spreading a blanket, we lay on the floor 00:16:30.030 --> 00:16:34.530 align:middle line:84% beside the hospital bed, fully dressed, vigilant. 00:16:34.530 --> 00:16:37.590 align:middle line:84% My mother's labored breathing continued. 00:16:37.590 --> 00:16:41.790 align:middle line:84% Ava and I whispered bits of stories, like charms. 00:16:41.790 --> 00:16:43.620 align:middle line:84% I remembered 30 years before when 00:16:43.620 --> 00:16:46.080 align:middle line:84% our family had been refugees from a hurricane, 00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:49.410 align:middle line:84% sleeping on the crowded floor of a public shelter. 00:16:49.410 --> 00:16:51.990 align:middle line:84% There had been the same keenness of balancing 00:16:51.990 --> 00:16:56.160 align:middle line:84% on the moment and the imminence of disaster. 00:16:56.160 --> 00:16:59.160 align:middle line:84% Morning came and my mother still breathed hard, 00:16:59.160 --> 00:17:02.220 align:middle line:90% her eyes closed and mouth drawn. 00:17:02.220 --> 00:17:04.650 align:middle line:90% Ava had to go home to Caitlin. 00:17:04.650 --> 00:17:06.150 align:middle line:90% I sat by the bed. 00:17:06.150 --> 00:17:09.000 align:middle line:90% The sunlight was pale and bland. 00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:12.030 align:middle line:84% People survive this way for years, I knew. 00:17:12.030 --> 00:17:15.359 align:middle line:84% I didn't consider that my mother might wake up. 00:17:15.359 --> 00:17:17.520 align:middle line:90% She had shed the sheet. 00:17:17.520 --> 00:17:21.750 align:middle line:84% I hadn't expected to be alone with my naked, comatose mother. 00:17:21.750 --> 00:17:25.020 align:middle line:84% I pulled up the sheet, but her hand freed herself. 00:17:25.020 --> 00:17:28.380 align:middle line:84% The hand moved to her vagina and began tugging. 00:17:28.380 --> 00:17:31.740 align:middle line:84% This distressed me awfully, saying, "please don't do that." 00:17:31.740 --> 00:17:34.980 align:middle line:84% I attempted to move the hand, grasping it by the wrist, 00:17:34.980 --> 00:17:37.230 align:middle line:90% but it clung tenaciously. 00:17:37.230 --> 00:17:38.730 align:middle line:90% I tried the sheet again. 00:17:38.730 --> 00:17:42.300 align:middle line:84% The hand flicked it off, she never showed expression. 00:17:42.300 --> 00:17:46.470 align:middle line:84% Friends called asking to visit and I said later. 00:17:46.470 --> 00:17:50.730 align:middle line:84% I brought photo albums to the chair beside the bed. 00:17:50.730 --> 00:17:53.970 align:middle line:84% In them, all my mother's smiles intimated the overcoming 00:17:53.970 --> 00:17:56.900 align:middle line:84% of secret hurt which used to drive me nuts. 00:17:56.900 --> 00:17:57.400 align:middle line:90% Now. 00:17:57.400 --> 00:17:59.817 align:middle line:84% It made me cry, which was more bearable than what else was 00:17:59.817 --> 00:18:00.960 align:middle line:90% going on. 00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:02.820 align:middle line:84% After a few hours, I thought to turn 00:18:02.820 --> 00:18:05.400 align:middle line:84% on the radio for the American League Championship Series, 00:18:05.400 --> 00:18:08.130 align:middle line:84% my team, the Red Sox, trailing the Angels. 00:18:08.130 --> 00:18:10.110 align:middle line:90% I began to pace the house. 00:18:10.110 --> 00:18:13.260 align:middle line:84% Upstairs, I examined old photos and letters and my mother's 00:18:13.260 --> 00:18:16.200 align:middle line:84% little creations, a painting after Matisse, 00:18:16.200 --> 00:18:20.400 align:middle line:84% a ceramic bas-relief plaque of swelling sea life. 00:18:20.400 --> 00:18:22.680 align:middle line:84% I walked through the rooms, each permeated 00:18:22.680 --> 00:18:25.890 align:middle line:84% with a sweet, stale scent, crying at the presence 00:18:25.890 --> 00:18:28.170 align:middle line:90% of her hands and mind at work. 00:18:28.170 --> 00:18:30.270 align:middle line:84% Mostly, I kept company with my mother 00:18:30.270 --> 00:18:34.290 align:middle line:84% who, modest in life and sexually celibate for stretches of years, 00:18:34.290 --> 00:18:37.320 align:middle line:84% vigorously and incessantly masturbated, 00:18:37.320 --> 00:18:39.690 align:middle line:90% face blank but strained. 00:18:39.690 --> 00:18:43.110 align:middle line:84% Only her hand showed its independent concentration. 00:18:43.110 --> 00:18:46.140 align:middle line:84% I paced up the stairs, looked at objects and photos, 00:18:46.140 --> 00:18:49.320 align:middle line:84% cried, paced downstairs, sat, listened to the game, 00:18:49.320 --> 00:18:50.670 align:middle line:90% repeated the cycle. 00:18:50.670 --> 00:18:51.720 align:middle line:90% I was bored. 00:18:51.720 --> 00:18:54.540 align:middle line:84% It was difficult to imagine another kind of moment. 00:18:54.540 --> 00:18:59.040 align:middle line:84% I would go on living within this particular distress. 00:18:59.040 --> 00:19:00.990 align:middle line:84% The Red Sox center fielder who earlier 00:19:00.990 --> 00:19:02.910 align:middle line:84% had made a magnificent catch homered 00:19:02.910 --> 00:19:04.590 align:middle line:84% to send the game into extra innings. 00:19:04.590 --> 00:19:06.120 align:middle line:90% I cheered. 00:19:06.120 --> 00:19:09.330 align:middle line:84% Ava called and while we were talking, the breathing stopped. 00:19:09.330 --> 00:19:13.010 align:middle line:84% "My God, I think she's gone," I said. 00:19:13.010 --> 00:19:16.820 align:middle line:84% I waited until Ava arrived before calling the paramedics. 00:19:16.820 --> 00:19:19.220 align:middle line:84% I kissed my mother before they took her. 00:19:19.220 --> 00:19:22.710 align:middle line:84% Friends had gathered and stood by stricken. 00:19:22.710 --> 00:19:25.850 align:middle line:84% Ava and I bought dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant 00:19:25.850 --> 00:19:30.380 align:middle line:84% to celebrate my mother's release and her will in achieving it. 00:19:30.380 --> 00:19:33.590 align:middle line:84% We toasted her with red wine, explaining garrulously 00:19:33.590 --> 00:19:35.510 align:middle line:90% to our friend, the proprietor. 00:19:35.510 --> 00:19:39.740 align:middle line:84% We were boxed in with relief as when night falls on a hard day. 00:19:39.740 --> 00:19:43.160 align:middle line:84% But by the end of the meal, the death seemed no longer prolonged 00:19:43.160 --> 00:19:45.710 align:middle line:84% and exhausting, but bewilderingly quick, 00:19:45.710 --> 00:19:48.410 align:middle line:84% "like sliding down a hill," Ava said. 00:19:48.410 --> 00:19:50.210 align:middle line:90% "She let go," I said. 00:19:50.210 --> 00:19:53.615 align:middle line:84% "She didn't need to die," Ava said angrily as we drove home. 00:19:53.615 --> 00:19:56.740 align:middle line:90% 00:19:56.740 --> 00:19:59.530 align:middle line:84% As my mother had requested, we had her cremated. 00:19:59.530 --> 00:20:03.790 align:middle line:84% And a few days after her death we picked up the remains. 00:20:03.790 --> 00:20:06.340 align:middle line:84% I'd chosen the site for scattering them, 00:20:06.340 --> 00:20:08.530 align:middle line:84% a pocket of protected desert just 00:20:08.530 --> 00:20:10.210 align:middle line:84% within the modest rugged mountain 00:20:10.210 --> 00:20:13.150 align:middle line:84% range overlooking the city's west side. 00:20:13.150 --> 00:20:15.550 align:middle line:84% A wash ran through it, cutting a ravine 00:20:15.550 --> 00:20:17.200 align:middle line:84% through a lava and granite ridge, 00:20:17.200 --> 00:20:18.880 align:middle line:90% and the saguaro were thick. 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:23.290 align:middle line:84% The wind swayed them and sang through their needles. 00:20:23.290 --> 00:20:25.720 align:middle line:84% The remains were not ashes as I had expected, 00:20:25.720 --> 00:20:28.270 align:middle line:84% but more like sand with bits of bone. 00:20:28.270 --> 00:20:31.990 align:middle line:84% They were enclosed in a foil wrapped box which Ava and I had 00:20:31.990 --> 00:20:34.360 align:middle line:90% stowed in the pickup camper. 00:20:34.360 --> 00:20:37.180 align:middle line:84% Deliberately, we'd avoided making any mention 00:20:37.180 --> 00:20:40.150 align:middle line:90% to Caitlin of her grandmother. 00:20:40.150 --> 00:20:44.440 align:middle line:84% Tossing the handfuls of whitish grit would be a game. 00:20:44.440 --> 00:20:47.320 align:middle line:84% Parking on the dirt shoulder beside the mountain path, 00:20:47.320 --> 00:20:50.050 align:middle line:90% I pulled out the silvery box. 00:20:50.050 --> 00:20:53.200 align:middle line:84% "Granny," Caitlin said immediately. 00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:55.030 align:middle line:90% Ava and I stared at each other. 00:20:55.030 --> 00:20:57.890 align:middle line:90% 00:20:57.890 --> 00:20:59.750 align:middle line:84% I came around to my wife's thinking. 00:20:59.750 --> 00:21:01.430 align:middle line:84% My mother should not have died yet. 00:21:01.430 --> 00:21:04.190 align:middle line:84% On some level, I believed she'd done us a favor 00:21:04.190 --> 00:21:07.040 align:middle line:90% to save us trouble, expense. 00:21:07.040 --> 00:21:08.300 align:middle line:90% "How could she leave Caitlin?" 00:21:08.300 --> 00:21:09.500 align:middle line:90% Ava asked. 00:21:09.500 --> 00:21:12.230 align:middle line:84% Even the second doctor, the better one said, 00:21:12.230 --> 00:21:14.300 align:middle line:90% "I was thinking years." 00:21:14.300 --> 00:21:16.730 align:middle line:84% His inquiries were gently suspicious 00:21:16.730 --> 00:21:20.870 align:middle line:84% but he accepted our assurance the death had been natural. 00:21:20.870 --> 00:21:22.910 align:middle line:84% At the first opportunity, I threw away 00:21:22.910 --> 00:21:25.100 align:middle line:84% all the horrid medicines, devices, 00:21:25.100 --> 00:21:28.940 align:middle line:84% instructions that had attempted to define my mother's last days. 00:21:28.940 --> 00:21:32.510 align:middle line:84% By giving away her abrupt, unresolved death though, 00:21:32.510 --> 00:21:35.090 align:middle line:90% I left myself only the absence. 00:21:35.090 --> 00:21:38.240 align:middle line:84% For months, I couldn't settle down. 00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:40.520 align:middle line:90% She had died October 12th. 00:21:40.520 --> 00:21:45.770 align:middle line:84% In May, I dreamed I was to meet her at her home, a subdivision 00:21:45.770 --> 00:21:48.590 align:middle line:84% unlike any place we'd actually lived. 00:21:48.590 --> 00:21:52.700 align:middle line:84% When I arrived, the entrance was blocked by a mound of earth. 00:21:52.700 --> 00:21:55.070 align:middle line:84% I recognized it as having closed off 00:21:55.070 --> 00:21:59.450 align:middle line:84% a country road near the summer house I'd gone to as a child. 00:21:59.450 --> 00:22:02.120 align:middle line:84% After circling the subdivision several times, 00:22:02.120 --> 00:22:06.620 align:middle line:84% I found a way in and parked beside the manicured lawn. 00:22:06.620 --> 00:22:10.010 align:middle line:84% My mother waited, arms outstretched. 00:22:10.010 --> 00:22:14.390 align:middle line:84% As I embraced her, I felt that she was cold and dead. 00:22:14.390 --> 00:22:16.610 align:middle line:90% I awoke distraught. 00:22:16.610 --> 00:22:19.430 align:middle line:84% A shimmering filled the bedroom doorway. 00:22:19.430 --> 00:22:21.230 align:middle line:84% It was like the reflection of light 00:22:21.230 --> 00:22:23.920 align:middle line:90% from a mirror that wasn't there. 00:22:23.920 --> 00:22:25.270 align:middle line:90% I broke a cold sweat. 00:22:25.270 --> 00:22:26.710 align:middle line:90% My hair stood up. 00:22:26.710 --> 00:22:29.470 align:middle line:84% My mother wouldn't hurt me, I reminded myself. 00:22:29.470 --> 00:22:34.120 align:middle line:84% The silveryness remained, distinct and unchanging. 00:22:34.120 --> 00:22:36.370 align:middle line:84% After nearly an hour, I told myself there 00:22:36.370 --> 00:22:41.530 align:middle line:84% was nothing more to wait for and turned on the light. 00:22:41.530 --> 00:22:44.950 align:middle line:84% Over the summer, a friend who lived on the reservation 00:22:44.950 --> 00:22:47.950 align:middle line:84% told me that Indian people believe that such a visitation 00:22:47.950 --> 00:22:50.710 align:middle line:90% was the spirit saying goodbye. 00:22:50.710 --> 00:22:53.140 align:middle line:84% That made as much sense as anything else 00:22:53.140 --> 00:22:58.060 align:middle line:84% we pretend to know about death and I was consoled. 00:22:58.060 --> 00:23:01.030 align:middle line:84% As the years passed though, so does the mystery 00:23:01.030 --> 00:23:03.310 align:middle line:90% I shared in my mother's dying. 00:23:03.310 --> 00:23:06.550 align:middle line:84% The certainty, the uncanniness and wonder 00:23:06.550 --> 00:23:09.870 align:middle line:90% lie beyond mortal life. 00:23:09.870 --> 00:23:13.500 align:middle line:84% Instead, I remember weariness and practicality, 00:23:13.500 --> 00:23:18.150 align:middle line:84% where headlong loving was called for, a reticence of the heart 00:23:18.150 --> 00:23:21.380 align:middle line:90% that might be heartlessness." 00:23:21.380 --> 00:23:22.790 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:23:22.790 --> 00:23:25.540 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:23:25.540 --> 00:23:42.000 align:middle line:90%