WEBVTT

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This is called "Welcome Fear."

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For one thing, I am glad
the goal of enlightenment

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means being stupid enough to
slip out the door each morning

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and live.

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With no second
guessing, no poses, just

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this leaning and slouching
the experts term hope.

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So people like me
cannot be held guilty.

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In our travels, we'd never
laugh at the passing streets.

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We're not like those
grins they have plastered

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to the sides of every bus.

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But what do I do?

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What am I supposed to do when
I want someone to hold me?

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How easy it is and inevitable
and paramount and sweet

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to recall how you would
dress before the mirror

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in those minutes before a blouse
started to button itself on,

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when sunlight from the window
might rest briefly on your back.

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And I begin by tipping my
mouth to your skin the way

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the first imagined oar dipped
into an unimaginable sea.

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Now, nothing seems right.

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Between us, everything either
finished or unfinishable.

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Whatever I once wrote
to you fills me,

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torn into many small pieces.

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Sometimes, it seems
as if that mirror

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I mentioned has been lost,
perhaps stolen by men

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I'd hired myself mistakenly.

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I am my own bad influence.

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Many things have gone wrong.

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And I will never be what
you wished me to be.

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You will always lean toward the
mirror, putting on lipstick,

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kissing the air.

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But since the mirror
has been revoked,

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the kiss collects in
the shape of space,

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attempting to kiss itself.

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Well, the tragic
can go fuck itself.

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Even if once in the
middle of the night,

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I woke because a smoke
detector went off,

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signaling its
batteries were dying.

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Even if it's like
that, fear like that.

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Walking naked
through a cold house.

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Moving from alarm to alarm
unable to find the right one,

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even if it's like that.

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