WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.290 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.290 --> 00:00:02.875 align:middle line:84% Some of you unfortunately probably 00:00:02.875 --> 00:00:04.500 align:middle line:84% know that people living with AIDS often 00:00:04.500 --> 00:00:06.900 align:middle line:84% come very close to death and then get better 00:00:06.900 --> 00:00:09.933 align:middle line:84% and get up and go to the movies again. 00:00:09.933 --> 00:00:11.100 align:middle line:90% And that happened to Johnny. 00:00:11.100 --> 00:00:13.623 align:middle line:84% He actually had one of those near-death experiences. 00:00:13.623 --> 00:00:15.040 align:middle line:84% Well, it wasn't even a near-death. 00:00:15.040 --> 00:00:18.000 align:middle line:90% He died and came back. 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:19.590 align:middle line:90% So and this poem's about that. 00:00:19.590 --> 00:00:21.720 align:middle line:90% There's two allusions. 00:00:21.720 --> 00:00:23.550 align:middle line:84% One is to Mary and Martha, remember 00:00:23.550 --> 00:00:25.782 align:middle line:90% them, sisters of Lazarus? 00:00:25.782 --> 00:00:26.490 align:middle line:90% You all remember. 00:00:26.490 --> 00:00:29.670 align:middle line:90% 00:00:29.670 --> 00:00:33.990 align:middle line:84% Lazarus was as a pal of Jesus and when he became sick, 00:00:33.990 --> 00:00:38.100 align:middle line:84% Jesus was out preaching and the sisters sent for him. 00:00:38.100 --> 00:00:40.500 align:middle line:84% And he said, essentially I'll be there in a few days, 00:00:40.500 --> 00:00:42.180 align:middle line:90% and Lazarus died. 00:00:42.180 --> 00:00:45.508 align:middle line:84% So he showed up and the sisters, you can imagine, 00:00:45.508 --> 00:00:46.800 align:middle line:90% were a little annoyed with him. 00:00:46.800 --> 00:00:50.430 align:middle line:84% And one of the quotes in here is a statement 00:00:50.430 --> 00:00:52.710 align:middle line:84% from the stories that's recorded in the Bible. 00:00:52.710 --> 00:00:56.490 align:middle line:84% And the second allusion is to this theory in new physics 00:00:56.490 --> 00:00:57.765 align:middle line:90% called Schrödinger's cat. 00:00:57.765 --> 00:00:59.640 align:middle line:84% And I'm sure there's someone in this room who 00:00:59.640 --> 00:01:01.510 align:middle line:90% can describe it better than me. 00:01:01.510 --> 00:01:04.200 align:middle line:84% But essentially it challenges our old idea of reality. 00:01:04.200 --> 00:01:08.820 align:middle line:84% We used to think that reality was there like you guys, 00:01:08.820 --> 00:01:12.030 align:middle line:84% and we could close our eyes and it would still be there. 00:01:12.030 --> 00:01:13.870 align:middle line:84% It was objective, I guess we used to think. 00:01:13.870 --> 00:01:18.360 align:middle line:84% And this theory was this guy put a cat in a box 00:01:18.360 --> 00:01:21.570 align:middle line:84% and with a little vial of radiation or something. 00:01:21.570 --> 00:01:26.790 align:middle line:84% And the old theory of reality was the cat either nibbled 00:01:26.790 --> 00:01:29.010 align:middle line:84% at the radiation and died or didn't. 00:01:29.010 --> 00:01:33.460 align:middle line:84% The new theory is the cat isn't dead until you see it's dead. 00:01:33.460 --> 00:01:36.580 align:middle line:84% But our perception creates reality, of course, 00:01:36.580 --> 00:01:42.150 align:middle line:84% the cat probably feels differently about that. 00:01:42.150 --> 00:01:45.550 align:middle line:84% But I was reading this at the time. 00:01:45.550 --> 00:01:48.510 align:middle line:90% So for three days. 00:01:48.510 --> 00:01:52.140 align:middle line:84% For three days now, I've been trying to think of another word 00:01:52.140 --> 00:01:57.660 align:middle line:84% for gratitude because my brother could have died and didn't. 00:01:57.660 --> 00:02:01.920 align:middle line:84% Because for a week, we stood in the intensive care unit 00:02:01.920 --> 00:02:07.050 align:middle line:84% trying not to imagine how it would be then afterwards. 00:02:07.050 --> 00:02:10.360 align:middle line:84% My youngest brother Andy said, this is so weird. 00:02:10.360 --> 00:02:14.220 align:middle line:84% I don't know if I'll be talking with John today or buying a pair 00:02:14.220 --> 00:02:16.230 align:middle line:90% of pants for his funeral. 00:02:16.230 --> 00:02:20.220 align:middle line:84% And I hated him for saying it, because it was true and seemed 00:02:20.220 --> 00:02:23.280 align:middle line:84% to tilt it, because I had been writing 00:02:23.280 --> 00:02:27.060 align:middle line:84% his elegy in my head during the seven hour drive there 00:02:27.060 --> 00:02:29.100 align:middle line:90% and trying not to. 00:02:29.100 --> 00:02:31.500 align:middle line:90% Thinking meant not thinking. 00:02:31.500 --> 00:02:35.790 align:middle line:84% It meant imagining my brother surrounded by light like 00:02:35.790 --> 00:02:38.820 align:middle line:84% Schrödinger's cat that would be dead if you looked and might 00:02:38.820 --> 00:02:40.620 align:middle line:90% live if you didn't. 00:02:40.620 --> 00:02:44.160 align:middle line:84% And then it got better, and then it got worse. 00:02:44.160 --> 00:02:46.710 align:middle line:90% And it's a story now. 00:02:46.710 --> 00:02:48.210 align:middle line:90% He came back. 00:02:48.210 --> 00:02:53.010 align:middle line:84% And I did by that time imagine him dead. 00:02:53.010 --> 00:02:57.450 align:middle line:84% And I did begin to write the other story how 00:02:57.450 --> 00:03:02.400 align:middle line:84% the crowd in the stifling church snapped to a tearful attention, 00:03:02.400 --> 00:03:08.280 align:middle line:84% how my brother lived again for a few minutes through me. 00:03:08.280 --> 00:03:10.560 align:middle line:84% And although I know I couldn't help it 00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:15.390 align:middle line:84% because fear has its own language and its own story, 00:03:15.390 --> 00:03:19.530 align:middle line:84% because even grief provides a living remedy, 00:03:19.530 --> 00:03:23.130 align:middle line:84% I can't help but think of that woman who 00:03:23.130 --> 00:03:27.720 align:middle line:84% said to him whom she considered her savior: 00:03:27.720 --> 00:03:32.190 align:middle line:84% If thou had been here, my brother had not died. 00:03:32.190 --> 00:03:36.420 align:middle line:84% How she might have practiced her speech, 00:03:36.420 --> 00:03:39.570 align:middle line:84% and how she too might have stood trembling, 00:03:39.570 --> 00:03:44.250 align:middle line:84% unable to meet the eyes of the dear familiar figure that 00:03:44.250 --> 00:03:50.700 align:middle line:84% stumbled from the cave when the compassionate fist of God opened 00:03:50.700 --> 00:03:55.760 align:middle line:84% and crushed her with gratitude and shame.