WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.660 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.660 --> 00:00:01.635 align:middle line:90% Version three. 00:00:01.635 --> 00:00:05.150 align:middle line:90% 00:00:05.150 --> 00:00:06.170 align:middle line:90% "Heartsick." 00:00:06.170 --> 00:00:09.190 align:middle line:90% 00:00:09.190 --> 00:00:13.120 align:middle line:84% "But I had already had enough bad luck that summer, 00:00:13.120 --> 00:00:16.360 align:middle line:84% and I had enough bad weather, too. 00:00:16.360 --> 00:00:20.170 align:middle line:84% The sun lacquered the windows across the street 00:00:20.170 --> 00:00:22.960 align:middle line:84% were shut against the heat, and I 00:00:22.960 --> 00:00:26.890 align:middle line:84% knew, staring out from the terminal, that my neighbors were 00:00:26.890 --> 00:00:31.090 align:middle line:84% sweating in their dark bedrooms, foreheads leaked on 00:00:31.090 --> 00:00:34.180 align:middle line:90% by cooling compresses. 00:00:34.180 --> 00:00:37.390 align:middle line:84% I was spending the summer getting diagnosed, 00:00:37.390 --> 00:00:41.560 align:middle line:84% trudging the hot and littered streets for weekly visits 00:00:41.560 --> 00:00:45.970 align:middle line:84% to a doctor who was so expensive my voice shook when 00:00:45.970 --> 00:00:50.350 align:middle line:84% I called for my appointment, and even now he seems to me 00:00:50.350 --> 00:00:54.040 align:middle line:84% a tall white blur in a white coat. 00:00:54.040 --> 00:00:56.800 align:middle line:90% I was not myself. 00:00:56.800 --> 00:01:01.090 align:middle line:84% In that heat, my heart had re-established its old bad habit 00:01:01.090 --> 00:01:04.390 align:middle line:84% of skipping a beat, so that suddenly I 00:01:04.390 --> 00:01:06.640 align:middle line:90% was a factory out of work. 00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:10.000 align:middle line:84% All the machinery went still, the silence 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:14.500 align:middle line:84% was deafening and quick, and dying seemed first within, 00:01:14.500 --> 00:01:15.940 align:middle line:90% then out of reach. 00:01:15.940 --> 00:01:19.270 align:middle line:84% And I throve on this medical melodrama. 00:01:19.270 --> 00:01:24.760 align:middle line:84% My ill health got me over the bad places until one morning, 00:01:24.760 --> 00:01:28.030 align:middle line:84% the police called at 7:00 AM to tell me 00:01:28.030 --> 00:01:32.650 align:middle line:84% Raoul Flores had been picked up for vagrancy on a traffic 00:01:32.650 --> 00:01:34.540 align:middle line:90% island in Lake Street. 00:01:34.540 --> 00:01:41.020 align:middle line:84% And, not awake, I said, I'm sorry, I don't know any Raoul. 00:01:41.020 --> 00:01:47.050 align:middle line:84% And then there was a blank place, the sound of a precinct, 00:01:47.050 --> 00:01:52.240 align:middle line:84% not sound, really, but to sound what Xerox is to print. 00:01:52.240 --> 00:01:53.710 align:middle line:90% And then a voice-- 00:01:53.710 --> 00:01:59.380 align:middle line:84% his-- but so condensed, so tiny, so light, it was like an insect, 00:01:59.380 --> 00:02:01.270 align:middle line:84% it was like the ghost of a ghost. 00:02:01.270 --> 00:02:07.540 align:middle line:84% Lynn, I really need a place to spend the night, it said. 00:02:07.540 --> 00:02:09.550 align:middle line:90% I was not impressed. 00:02:09.550 --> 00:02:14.020 align:middle line:84% I did not want to be disturbed by reverie or guilt, 00:02:14.020 --> 00:02:17.050 align:middle line:84% but all right, yes, I said, take a taxi, 00:02:17.050 --> 00:02:19.160 align:middle line:90% I'll pay when you get here. 00:02:19.160 --> 00:02:20.440 align:middle line:90% And I did. 00:02:20.440 --> 00:02:22.690 align:middle line:84% Because when the door of the taxi 00:02:22.690 --> 00:02:26.140 align:middle line:84% opened and he ducked out into the sun, 00:02:26.140 --> 00:02:30.220 align:middle line:84% sorrow and love kicked me so hard in the chest 00:02:30.220 --> 00:02:32.050 align:middle line:90% my heart just stopped. 00:02:32.050 --> 00:02:37.600 align:middle line:84% It seemed to say, I cannot bear it, you go on without me. 00:02:37.600 --> 00:02:39.370 align:middle line:90% And I did. 00:02:39.370 --> 00:02:43.030 align:middle line:84% I walked down the walk and stood while he handed my money 00:02:43.030 --> 00:02:45.340 align:middle line:84% to the driver and every bit thing 00:02:45.340 --> 00:02:48.910 align:middle line:84% began to take on preternatural detail. 00:02:48.910 --> 00:02:51.160 align:middle line:84% The shoulder of his leather jacket 00:02:51.160 --> 00:02:55.570 align:middle line:84% stood out, sharp and scuffed, and my heart 00:02:55.570 --> 00:02:59.650 align:middle line:84% rose up out of its stutter, out of its limp, 00:02:59.650 --> 00:03:01.900 align:middle line:84% when the next beat seemed to drip 00:03:01.900 --> 00:03:06.760 align:middle line:84% from it achingly, infinitely slowly, and never arrive. 00:03:06.760 --> 00:03:09.940 align:middle line:84% And that dark barn behind the blue light 00:03:09.940 --> 00:03:13.180 align:middle line:84% opened its doors to me again, and I 00:03:13.180 --> 00:03:18.940 align:middle line:84% let myself be backed against the dirty bale, warm against my ass, 00:03:18.940 --> 00:03:22.990 align:middle line:84% as this boy, part gall, part oil, 00:03:22.990 --> 00:03:28.060 align:middle line:84% ran his hand below my boned brassiere and whispered, 00:03:28.060 --> 00:03:30.880 align:middle line:90% Is this the Maginot Line? 00:03:30.880 --> 00:03:37.110 align:middle line:84% while I grew just idiotic with anxiety and lust."