WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.960 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.960 --> 00:00:02.865 align:middle line:84% Now, this will take a little more time. 00:00:02.865 --> 00:00:05.780 align:middle line:90% 00:00:05.780 --> 00:00:10.950 align:middle line:84% It's almost as bizarre, so the weirdos among you 00:00:10.950 --> 00:00:11.955 align:middle line:90% can lick your chops. 00:00:11.955 --> 00:00:17.910 align:middle line:90% 00:00:17.910 --> 00:00:19.110 align:middle line:90% It's called "More Life." 00:00:19.110 --> 00:00:26.840 align:middle line:90% 00:00:26.840 --> 00:00:30.740 align:middle line:84% Several years ago, having just quit a job 00:00:30.740 --> 00:00:34.280 align:middle line:84% in a brokerage house which I'd held since graduating 00:00:34.280 --> 00:00:37.100 align:middle line:84% from business school, I went to Maine 00:00:37.100 --> 00:00:41.390 align:middle line:84% to visit a friend who had a summer house near Thomaston. 00:00:41.390 --> 00:00:45.800 align:middle line:84% My first days there, it rained and everything in the house 00:00:45.800 --> 00:00:47.780 align:middle line:90% smelled damp. 00:00:47.780 --> 00:00:52.640 align:middle line:84% Outside, the landscape was dark and sodden. 00:00:52.640 --> 00:00:57.920 align:middle line:84% I was disappointed, depressed, and on the verge of leaving. 00:00:57.920 --> 00:01:04.129 align:middle line:84% Then one morning, I rose and saw thin broken clouds 00:01:04.129 --> 00:01:07.070 align:middle line:90% moving swiftly overhead. 00:01:07.070 --> 00:01:09.740 align:middle line:84% It was the end of the bad weather. 00:01:09.740 --> 00:01:13.250 align:middle line:84% The sun was out, and the damp was lifting. 00:01:13.250 --> 00:01:17.450 align:middle line:84% By noon, the sky was an endless monotonous blue. 00:01:17.450 --> 00:01:19.490 align:middle line:84% In the late afternoon, my friend and I 00:01:19.490 --> 00:01:22.010 align:middle line:84% decided to go for a walk over the fields that 00:01:22.010 --> 00:01:26.330 align:middle line:84% covered the low hills to the west of his house. 00:01:26.330 --> 00:01:30.320 align:middle line:84% As we walked through a clearing bounded by the sea on one side 00:01:30.320 --> 00:01:33.650 align:middle line:84% and a jagged line of pine trees on the other, 00:01:33.650 --> 00:01:37.040 align:middle line:84% I thought of my father who had been a writer 00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:38.930 align:middle line:84% and who, when I was still a youngster, 00:01:38.930 --> 00:01:43.160 align:middle line:84% had moved the family from New York City to live in Maine. 00:01:43.160 --> 00:01:46.880 align:middle line:84% He was in his late 30s and had written only two novels. 00:01:46.880 --> 00:01:49.430 align:middle line:90% Neither was well received. 00:01:49.430 --> 00:01:52.190 align:middle line:84% He was having trouble getting started on a third 00:01:52.190 --> 00:01:56.540 align:middle line:84% and blamed his failure on the distractions of city life, 00:01:56.540 --> 00:01:58.700 align:middle line:90% so we went to Maine. 00:01:58.700 --> 00:02:01.820 align:middle line:84% There were times, especially when we first moved there, 00:02:01.820 --> 00:02:03.710 align:middle line:84% when my mother and I were enchanted 00:02:03.710 --> 00:02:05.990 align:middle line:90% by the energy of my father. 00:02:05.990 --> 00:02:09.110 align:middle line:84% He paraded before us in his underwear, 00:02:09.110 --> 00:02:13.610 align:middle line:84% reading aloud from Rabelais, instructing us in boldness, 00:02:13.610 --> 00:02:16.160 align:middle line:90% in ardor, and pretense. 00:02:16.160 --> 00:02:18.350 align:middle line:90% He was the authority. 00:02:18.350 --> 00:02:20.630 align:middle line:84% Peering over his reading glasses, 00:02:20.630 --> 00:02:23.540 align:middle line:84% waving an index finger over his head, 00:02:23.540 --> 00:02:26.240 align:middle line:84% he preached domination of uncertainty, 00:02:26.240 --> 00:02:28.850 align:middle line:90% vagueness, despair. 00:02:28.850 --> 00:02:32.450 align:middle line:84% His boxer shorts began under his bulging belly 00:02:32.450 --> 00:02:34.790 align:middle line:90% and ended just above his knees. 00:02:34.790 --> 00:02:37.520 align:middle line:84% His calves were massive but hairless, 00:02:37.520 --> 00:02:40.340 align:middle line:84% and his ankles were as thin as a woman's. 00:02:40.340 --> 00:02:44.450 align:middle line:84% His parading was a kind of dance to the music of words. 00:02:44.450 --> 00:02:47.690 align:middle line:84% My mother and I sat together in a big chair, 00:02:47.690 --> 00:02:51.200 align:middle line:90% uplifted and amazed. 00:02:51.200 --> 00:02:55.070 align:middle line:84% But there were times later on when my father's steps revealed 00:02:55.070 --> 00:02:59.210 align:middle line:84% his impatience, his mounting frustration. 00:02:59.210 --> 00:03:02.870 align:middle line:84% He had abandoned one novel and wanted to begin another. 00:03:02.870 --> 00:03:06.800 align:middle line:84% He blamed the quiet, the dullness of Maine 00:03:06.800 --> 00:03:09.530 align:middle line:90% for his inability to do so. 00:03:09.530 --> 00:03:11.900 align:middle line:90% His boredom made him nervous. 00:03:11.900 --> 00:03:14.000 align:middle line:84% He said he could feel within himself 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:17.570 align:middle line:84% the exaggeration of moments, the lengthening of hours. 00:03:17.570 --> 00:03:20.240 align:middle line:84% He was perpetually on the threshold of beginning 00:03:20.240 --> 00:03:23.060 align:middle line:84% something, but could not get beyond the initial impulse 00:03:23.060 --> 00:03:25.130 align:middle line:90% to sit and write. 00:03:25.130 --> 00:03:28.830 align:middle line:84% My mother and I would hear him pacing in his room. 00:03:28.830 --> 00:03:32.600 align:middle line:84% He seemed to live in a marginal world between routine 00:03:32.600 --> 00:03:36.560 align:middle line:84% and transport, between laziness and desire. 00:03:36.560 --> 00:03:40.970 align:middle line:84% Day after day, he confronted the newspaper, the coffee, 00:03:40.970 --> 00:03:45.020 align:middle line:84% the attempt to write, the walk, the sea, the dinner, 00:03:45.020 --> 00:03:49.220 align:middle line:84% the wish to return to New York, the fear of doing so. 00:03:49.220 --> 00:03:53.960 align:middle line:84% So he bought cases of Over The Hill wine on sale. 00:03:53.960 --> 00:03:56.810 align:middle line:84% He would drink and rave on about greatness. 00:03:56.810 --> 00:04:00.920 align:middle line:84% More life, more life, he would bellow. 00:04:00.920 --> 00:04:05.510 align:middle line:84% My mother urged him to get a teaching job, but he would not. 00:04:05.510 --> 00:04:08.690 align:middle line:84% He said he hated security and claimed 00:04:08.690 --> 00:04:11.960 align:middle line:84% that immortality, not tenure, was a writer's business. 00:04:11.960 --> 00:04:14.030 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:04:14.030 --> 00:04:16.339 align:middle line:84% But in 10 years of living in Maine, 00:04:16.339 --> 00:04:18.079 align:middle line:90% he did not finish one book. 00:04:18.079 --> 00:04:19.760 align:middle line:84% And eventually, my mother ran off 00:04:19.760 --> 00:04:24.750 align:middle line:84% to live with the local doctor and took me with her. 00:04:24.750 --> 00:04:28.790 align:middle line:84% My friend had walked on ahead while I stared into the summer 00:04:28.790 --> 00:04:30.290 align:middle line:90% twilight. 00:04:30.290 --> 00:04:33.170 align:middle line:84% Walking in a place so close to where we had lived 00:04:33.170 --> 00:04:36.170 align:middle line:84% not only allowed me to feel the poignancy of my father's 00:04:36.170 --> 00:04:40.820 align:middle line:84% failure, but made it somehow inescapable. 00:04:40.820 --> 00:04:45.200 align:middle line:84% It saddened me that he died with no recognition at all. 00:04:45.200 --> 00:04:48.530 align:middle line:84% I'm not sure how long I stood in that field, 00:04:48.530 --> 00:04:53.330 align:middle line:84% but I began to feel a terrible stillness. 00:04:53.330 --> 00:04:58.250 align:middle line:84% The warm air seemed weighted with the perfume of summer. 00:04:58.250 --> 00:05:00.620 align:middle line:90% Then I heard a fly. 00:05:00.620 --> 00:05:05.930 align:middle line:84% It circled me once and then hovered before me at eye level, 00:05:05.930 --> 00:05:08.210 align:middle line:90% staring at me. 00:05:08.210 --> 00:05:13.400 align:middle line:84% Its metallic green body glinted in the last rays of sunlight. 00:05:13.400 --> 00:05:17.450 align:middle line:84% Its buzzing increased and subsided rhythmically. 00:05:17.450 --> 00:05:19.370 align:middle line:84% The sound was threatening, yet there 00:05:19.370 --> 00:05:22.730 align:middle line:84% was something familiar about it, something 00:05:22.730 --> 00:05:24.840 align:middle line:90% that went beyond mere buzzing. 00:05:24.840 --> 00:05:26.010 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:05:26.010 --> 00:05:30.030 align:middle line:84% This is hard to account for, but I was suddenly convinced 00:05:30.030 --> 00:05:31.665 align:middle line:90% that my father had returned. 00:05:31.665 --> 00:05:33.090 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:05:33.090 --> 00:05:36.990 align:middle line:90% He had come back as a fly. 00:05:36.990 --> 00:05:39.870 align:middle line:90% He buzzed and buzzed. 00:05:39.870 --> 00:05:43.980 align:middle line:84% And I was afraid that he'd bite if he landed on me, 00:05:43.980 --> 00:05:46.830 align:middle line:84% yet I could not lift my hand against him. 00:05:46.830 --> 00:05:48.870 align:middle line:90% I fell to my knees. 00:05:48.870 --> 00:05:52.260 align:middle line:84% Then he resumed his noisy circling, broken 00:05:52.260 --> 00:05:55.920 align:middle line:84% by attacks in which he would swerve suddenly at my face, 00:05:55.920 --> 00:06:00.840 align:middle line:84% stop a few inches away, then continue to circle. 00:06:00.840 --> 00:06:02.100 align:middle line:90% Dad, I said-- 00:06:02.100 --> 00:06:03.780 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:06:03.780 --> 00:06:07.410 align:middle line:90% --go ahead, land on me. 00:06:07.410 --> 00:06:10.530 align:middle line:84% His buzzing became extremely loud 00:06:10.530 --> 00:06:14.010 align:middle line:84% and suggested frantic disapproval. 00:06:14.010 --> 00:06:17.550 align:middle line:84% I remember wishing there were some way we could talk. 00:06:17.550 --> 00:06:19.380 align:middle line:90% He flew away. 00:06:19.380 --> 00:06:21.720 align:middle line:90% Dad, don't leave, I yelled. 00:06:21.720 --> 00:06:23.850 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:06:23.850 --> 00:06:26.430 align:middle line:90% Come back. 00:06:26.430 --> 00:06:28.980 align:middle line:84% Perhaps I had been wrong, I thought. 00:06:28.980 --> 00:06:31.980 align:middle line:84% Perhaps he had come back not to harm me, 00:06:31.980 --> 00:06:35.100 align:middle line:84% but to beg forgiveness, to abase himself 00:06:35.100 --> 00:06:38.340 align:middle line:90% before me as a simple fly. 00:06:38.340 --> 00:06:40.590 align:middle line:90% Dad, you're innocent. 00:06:40.590 --> 00:06:43.590 align:middle line:90% You did nothing wrong, I called. 00:06:43.590 --> 00:06:45.870 align:middle line:90% Then I heard the buzzing again. 00:06:45.870 --> 00:06:48.675 align:middle line:84% He was back, but he was not alone. 00:06:48.675 --> 00:06:49.990 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:06:49.990 --> 00:06:53.100 align:middle line:84% He had come with a buzzing swarm of friends. 00:06:53.100 --> 00:06:55.440 align:middle line:90% I got up and began to run. 00:06:55.440 --> 00:06:58.050 align:middle line:84% The next thing I knew, I was on my back 00:06:58.050 --> 00:07:01.830 align:middle line:84% and my friend was leaning over me, staring. 00:07:01.830 --> 00:07:05.910 align:middle line:84% I never told my friend what had happened. 00:07:05.910 --> 00:07:08.880 align:middle line:84% I all but put the episode aside, never trusting it 00:07:08.880 --> 00:07:11.160 align:middle line:90% to the ears of anyone. 00:07:11.160 --> 00:07:13.710 align:middle line:84% And it wasn't until about a year later 00:07:13.710 --> 00:07:16.200 align:middle line:84% when I was again bored with a job 00:07:16.200 --> 00:07:19.740 align:middle line:84% that I thought very much about my father, 00:07:19.740 --> 00:07:22.830 align:middle line:84% not about his awful transmogrification the summer 00:07:22.830 --> 00:07:26.580 align:middle line:84% before, but about his life in New York, where he returned 00:07:26.580 --> 00:07:28.710 align:middle line:90% after my mother left him. 00:07:28.710 --> 00:07:31.050 align:middle line:84% In those days, I would go down to New York 00:07:31.050 --> 00:07:34.500 align:middle line:84% and stay with my aunt and her husband. 00:07:34.500 --> 00:07:38.070 align:middle line:84% In the afternoon, I would visit my father, 00:07:38.070 --> 00:07:41.910 align:middle line:84% who lived in a studio apartment with a makeshift kitchen at one 00:07:41.910 --> 00:07:44.520 align:middle line:90% end and his bed at the other. 00:07:44.520 --> 00:07:47.370 align:middle line:84% It was a cramped book-crowded place. 00:07:47.370 --> 00:07:48.810 align:middle line:84% And when I went there, he usually 00:07:48.810 --> 00:07:52.680 align:middle line:84% sat at his desk, which was in the center of the room, 00:07:52.680 --> 00:07:56.700 align:middle line:84% or lay on his back staring at the ceiling. 00:07:56.700 --> 00:07:59.850 align:middle line:84% Once when I visited him, he recalled 00:07:59.850 --> 00:08:03.540 align:middle line:84% with theatrical emphasis the dawn 00:08:03.540 --> 00:08:06.780 align:middle line:84% in Maine, the corps of crows lifting 00:08:06.780 --> 00:08:10.470 align:middle line:84% with the mist, the peeping and chirping of warblers, 00:08:10.470 --> 00:08:13.350 align:middle line:90% goldfinches, and cat birds. 00:08:13.350 --> 00:08:15.810 align:middle line:84% Then he looked at me sadly and said, 00:08:15.810 --> 00:08:21.730 align:middle line:90% Charlie, tell me, why am I here? 00:08:21.730 --> 00:08:24.270 align:middle line:90% Why did I come back. 00:08:24.270 --> 00:08:26.910 align:middle line:84% Another time when I asked him how his work was going, 00:08:26.910 --> 00:08:28.560 align:middle line:90% he said that it wasn't. 00:08:28.560 --> 00:08:31.470 align:middle line:84% He told me that there was a novel he wanted to begin, 00:08:31.470 --> 00:08:33.059 align:middle line:90% but couldn't. 00:08:33.059 --> 00:08:37.289 align:middle line:84% After all, he explained, what sphere was his? 00:08:37.289 --> 00:08:42.270 align:middle line:84% What did he know about any place or occupation? 00:08:42.270 --> 00:08:43.470 align:middle line:90% Nothing. 00:08:43.470 --> 00:08:46.500 align:middle line:84% His specialty was blackness, the features 00:08:46.500 --> 00:08:49.570 align:middle line:90% of boredom, the haze of habit. 00:08:49.570 --> 00:08:52.860 align:middle line:84% He said that his notes were of intangible states, 00:08:52.860 --> 00:08:57.210 align:middle line:84% the feel of sinking into sleep, of drifting into daylight. 00:08:57.210 --> 00:09:00.480 align:middle line:84% He confessed he had been lazy and lacking in purpose. 00:09:00.480 --> 00:09:02.670 align:middle line:84% That he had been an emotional drifter. 00:09:02.670 --> 00:09:06.480 align:middle line:84% That his grandiose determination to create a lasting attachment 00:09:06.480 --> 00:09:13.650 align:middle line:84% with something, anything through his writing was fraudulent. 00:09:13.650 --> 00:09:15.630 align:middle line:84% In the years just before he died, 00:09:15.630 --> 00:09:18.450 align:middle line:90% my father became a ladies' man. 00:09:18.450 --> 00:09:21.240 align:middle line:84% His age, his belly, his close cropped hair 00:09:21.240 --> 00:09:23.370 align:middle line:84% in a time when everyone else's was long 00:09:23.370 --> 00:09:27.330 align:middle line:84% made him an unlikely Lothario, but he was a triumph, 00:09:27.330 --> 00:09:31.710 align:middle line:84% surpassing at times even his own windy expectations. 00:09:31.710 --> 00:09:35.250 align:middle line:84% He wooed with a wistfulness that won sympathy. 00:09:35.250 --> 00:09:37.260 align:middle line:84% He alluded to his life in Maine as if he 00:09:37.260 --> 00:09:39.510 align:middle line:90% were an exile from Arkady. 00:09:39.510 --> 00:09:42.000 align:middle line:84% He spoke of himself as a simple man, 00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:46.350 align:middle line:84% at home under Maine's great sky with its store of mists, fogs, 00:09:46.350 --> 00:09:49.410 align:middle line:84% and clouds, its slanting maritime light. 00:09:49.410 --> 00:09:51.750 align:middle line:84% He described walks he took at dusk 00:09:51.750 --> 00:09:55.170 align:middle line:84% by the sea, its dark body turning and turning 00:09:55.170 --> 00:09:57.690 align:middle line:90% in its lace of seaweed and foam. 00:09:57.690 --> 00:10:01.140 align:middle line:84% But he also made it clear that life on the stone coast 00:10:01.140 --> 00:10:04.110 align:middle line:90% was not always easy. 00:10:04.110 --> 00:10:08.580 align:middle line:84% That his sensitive nature, if not directly imperiled, 00:10:08.580 --> 00:10:10.980 align:middle line:90% was under siege. 00:10:10.980 --> 00:10:14.610 align:middle line:84% He talked of sitting at night in a circle of soft light 00:10:14.610 --> 00:10:17.340 align:middle line:84% reading a book, while outside the wind 00:10:17.340 --> 00:10:18.870 align:middle line:90% hissed through the trees. 00:10:18.870 --> 00:10:21.210 align:middle line:84% And on the roof and against the window panes, 00:10:21.210 --> 00:10:25.170 align:middle line:84% the loud pattering of rain began. 00:10:25.170 --> 00:10:28.740 align:middle line:84% My own life in New York was dominated 00:10:28.740 --> 00:10:31.860 align:middle line:84% by routines that enlivened without necessarily 00:10:31.860 --> 00:10:33.600 align:middle line:90% giving pleasure. 00:10:33.600 --> 00:10:37.080 align:middle line:84% I spent hours each day on the phone, went to parties, 00:10:37.080 --> 00:10:40.230 align:middle line:90% drank, and watched television. 00:10:40.230 --> 00:10:42.990 align:middle line:84% There were several women I took out, 00:10:42.990 --> 00:10:47.010 align:middle line:84% but I was not in love with any of them. 00:10:47.010 --> 00:10:50.310 align:middle line:84% Sometimes they were secretaries who idolized me 00:10:50.310 --> 00:10:51.900 align:middle line:90% for the wrong reasons. 00:10:51.900 --> 00:10:54.690 align:middle line:84% Assuming the authority I affected at the office 00:10:54.690 --> 00:10:57.600 align:middle line:84% was genuine, they would relinquish themselves 00:10:57.600 --> 00:10:59.160 align:middle line:90% to my charge. 00:10:59.160 --> 00:11:02.190 align:middle line:84% Sometimes they were successful colleagues. 00:11:02.190 --> 00:11:04.920 align:middle line:84% I like to think their self-assurance would rub off 00:11:04.920 --> 00:11:06.750 align:middle line:90% on me, but it never did. 00:11:06.750 --> 00:11:11.190 align:middle line:84% They were drawn to my vagueness, my uncertainty, my inability 00:11:11.190 --> 00:11:15.030 align:middle line:84% to come to terms with my life as it was unfolding. 00:11:15.030 --> 00:11:18.420 align:middle line:84% None of these relationships lasted. 00:11:18.420 --> 00:11:20.970 align:middle line:84% My one pleasure was horseback riding. 00:11:20.970 --> 00:11:23.850 align:middle line:84% I did it in the park on weekends and holidays. 00:11:23.850 --> 00:11:27.040 align:middle line:84% And I rode with a zeal that bordered on the fanatic. 00:11:27.040 --> 00:11:30.660 align:middle line:84% I rode from every misfortune I could imagine, from my job, 00:11:30.660 --> 00:11:32.580 align:middle line:84% from the women I knew, from the sterility 00:11:32.580 --> 00:11:34.680 align:middle line:90% of my small apartment. 00:11:34.680 --> 00:11:38.580 align:middle line:84% One autumn Saturday I was riding a sleek chestnut gelding 00:11:38.580 --> 00:11:40.740 align:middle line:84% with large nervous eyes of the sort one 00:11:40.740 --> 00:11:42.870 align:middle line:90% sees in the paintings of Rubens. 00:11:42.870 --> 00:11:46.710 align:middle line:84% A few leaves fluttered from the trees, the sky was bright, 00:11:46.710 --> 00:11:50.820 align:middle line:84% the air was dry, and everywhere there was a remarkable clarity. 00:11:50.820 --> 00:11:53.550 align:middle line:84% My horse moved cleanly, responding with ease 00:11:53.550 --> 00:11:54.870 align:middle line:90% to my commands. 00:11:54.870 --> 00:11:56.490 align:middle line:84% For an instant, it occurred to me 00:11:56.490 --> 00:11:59.130 align:middle line:84% that this was the way the world should be, 00:11:59.130 --> 00:12:01.830 align:middle line:84% and that my unchallenged dominance over my mount 00:12:01.830 --> 00:12:04.500 align:middle line:90% would have pleased my father. 00:12:04.500 --> 00:12:07.380 align:middle line:84% Then suddenly, as if to protest my arrogance, 00:12:07.380 --> 00:12:09.570 align:middle line:90% the horse stopped. 00:12:09.570 --> 00:12:12.870 align:middle line:84% I urged him forward, but he was stubborn. 00:12:12.870 --> 00:12:15.480 align:middle line:90% I began to rock in the saddle. 00:12:15.480 --> 00:12:19.410 align:middle line:84% Powerless and frustrated, I lost my composure. 00:12:19.410 --> 00:12:22.950 align:middle line:84% I called him an idiot and kicked my heels into his sides. 00:12:22.950 --> 00:12:25.680 align:middle line:84% He turned his head slowly to the left. 00:12:25.680 --> 00:12:27.690 align:middle line:84% He seemed to be watching something, 00:12:27.690 --> 00:12:30.870 align:middle line:84% following its motion with eager attention. 00:12:30.870 --> 00:12:33.630 align:middle line:90% I looked up to see what it was. 00:12:33.630 --> 00:12:35.910 align:middle line:84% A woman was walking over one of the bridges that 00:12:35.910 --> 00:12:37.560 align:middle line:90% crossed the bridle path. 00:12:37.560 --> 00:12:41.910 align:middle line:84% She was tall and dark haired and wore a light purple coat. 00:12:41.910 --> 00:12:43.980 align:middle line:84% She walked with an easy stride that 00:12:43.980 --> 00:12:47.400 align:middle line:84% suggested the possibility of physical abandonment. 00:12:47.400 --> 00:12:51.540 align:middle line:84% I immediately dismounted and stood before the horse. 00:12:51.540 --> 00:12:53.820 align:middle line:90% I was sure he was my father. 00:12:53.820 --> 00:12:55.680 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:12:55.680 --> 00:12:58.440 align:middle line:90% It made perfect sense. 00:12:58.440 --> 00:13:02.400 align:middle line:84% The horse was an ideal medium for him. 00:13:02.400 --> 00:13:05.970 align:middle line:84% In some indefinable way, they were alike. 00:13:05.970 --> 00:13:08.790 align:middle line:84% The horse gazed longingly, it seemed to me, 00:13:08.790 --> 00:13:12.270 align:middle line:84% after the disappearing woman, its eyes melting 00:13:12.270 --> 00:13:15.960 align:middle line:90% into tenderness, then despair. 00:13:15.960 --> 00:13:20.820 align:middle line:84% Dad, I said, it's great to see you. 00:13:20.820 --> 00:13:22.800 align:middle line:84% He turned his head away and watched 00:13:22.800 --> 00:13:25.920 align:middle line:90% another woman cross the bridge. 00:13:25.920 --> 00:13:29.940 align:middle line:84% Not far away, an ambulance or police car siren whined. 00:13:29.940 --> 00:13:32.220 align:middle line:90% I felt a chill. 00:13:32.220 --> 00:13:33.810 align:middle line:90% Dad, don't worry. 00:13:33.810 --> 00:13:35.350 align:middle line:90% I won't ride you again. 00:13:35.350 --> 00:13:37.890 align:middle line:90% Everything will be all right. 00:13:37.890 --> 00:13:40.200 align:middle line:84% He looked beyond me at the woman. 00:13:40.200 --> 00:13:42.570 align:middle line:84% Dad, I went on, getting carried away, 00:13:42.570 --> 00:13:44.280 align:middle line:90% I'll do whatever you want. 00:13:44.280 --> 00:13:46.950 align:middle line:84% I'll get you out of the stables and into the country. 00:13:46.950 --> 00:13:48.780 align:middle line:90% I'll buy a house in Connecticut. 00:13:48.780 --> 00:13:51.930 align:middle line:84% You can have the backyard all to yourself. 00:13:51.930 --> 00:13:54.360 align:middle line:84% He neighed and shook out his mane. 00:13:54.360 --> 00:13:58.560 align:middle line:84% I put an arm over his neck in a casual gesture of affection. 00:13:58.560 --> 00:14:02.730 align:middle line:84% Dad, tell me that you'll let me help you, care for you, 00:14:02.730 --> 00:14:05.490 align:middle line:90% make life easy for you. 00:14:05.490 --> 00:14:08.790 align:middle line:84% At that point, my father reared and bolted. 00:14:08.790 --> 00:14:10.920 align:middle line:90% I stood in his dusty wake. 00:14:10.920 --> 00:14:14.010 align:middle line:84% There was no point in my trying to change his mind. 00:14:14.010 --> 00:14:16.170 align:middle line:84% Even as a horse, he was headstrong. 00:14:16.170 --> 00:14:17.505 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:14:17.505 --> 00:14:19.290 align:middle line:90% 00:14:19.290 --> 00:14:22.320 align:middle line:84% Days passed in which I did nothing but consider 00:14:22.320 --> 00:14:25.080 align:middle line:84% the peculiarity of my father's behavior. 00:14:25.080 --> 00:14:26.430 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:14:26.430 --> 00:14:28.440 align:middle line:84% I was afraid to go out for fear I 00:14:28.440 --> 00:14:31.860 align:middle line:84% would meet him again, and again be rebuffed. 00:14:31.860 --> 00:14:33.360 align:middle line:90% I brooded. 00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:35.100 align:middle line:90% I drank. 00:14:35.100 --> 00:14:38.790 align:middle line:84% I stared out the window, but the ordeal of loneliness 00:14:38.790 --> 00:14:40.410 align:middle line:90% became tiresome. 00:14:40.410 --> 00:14:43.620 align:middle line:84% I tried to resume my social life and to throw myself 00:14:43.620 --> 00:14:46.410 align:middle line:90% into my work, but failed. 00:14:46.410 --> 00:14:50.250 align:middle line:84% Inwardly upset, disoriented, sometimes distracted, I 00:14:50.250 --> 00:14:53.820 align:middle line:84% found even the most routine tasks difficult. 00:14:53.820 --> 00:14:55.980 align:middle line:84% I lost faith in my ability and gave in 00:14:55.980 --> 00:14:59.070 align:middle line:84% to feelings of ennui and impotence. 00:14:59.070 --> 00:15:03.180 align:middle line:84% It was several months before my life resumed its normal flow. 00:15:03.180 --> 00:15:05.760 align:middle line:84% The incident with the horse slipped from memory, 00:15:05.760 --> 00:15:08.400 align:middle line:84% and I was happier than I had ever been before. 00:15:08.400 --> 00:15:11.550 align:middle line:84% For one thing, I had fallen in love. 00:15:11.550 --> 00:15:13.410 align:middle line:90% Her name was Helen Schulz. 00:15:13.410 --> 00:15:16.230 align:middle line:84% She was a lawyer and lived in my building. 00:15:16.230 --> 00:15:19.200 align:middle line:84% I had been noticing her for months in the elevator. 00:15:19.200 --> 00:15:21.410 align:middle line:84% Her light blue eyes were heavily made up 00:15:21.410 --> 00:15:23.330 align:middle line:90% and looked almost yellow. 00:15:23.330 --> 00:15:26.390 align:middle line:84% Her dark eyebrows, however, preserved for them 00:15:26.390 --> 00:15:29.330 align:middle line:84% an intensity that would otherwise have been lost. 00:15:29.330 --> 00:15:32.210 align:middle line:84% She had high cheekbones and short auburn hair 00:15:32.210 --> 00:15:33.980 align:middle line:90% swept straight back. 00:15:33.980 --> 00:15:36.440 align:middle line:84% Her skin, at least when I saw her in the elevator, 00:15:36.440 --> 00:15:38.000 align:middle line:90% seemed to glow. 00:15:38.000 --> 00:15:40.670 align:middle line:84% But it was her eyes, on these occasions, 00:15:40.670 --> 00:15:42.770 align:middle line:84% that offered with stunning insistence 00:15:42.770 --> 00:15:45.590 align:middle line:84% the promise of sexual fulfillment. 00:15:45.590 --> 00:15:48.560 align:middle line:84% The brevity of our encounters meant that getting to know her 00:15:48.560 --> 00:15:52.520 align:middle line:84% was a long ordeal of suppressed elation, of waiting, 00:15:52.520 --> 00:15:54.230 align:middle line:90% of gaining courage. 00:15:54.230 --> 00:15:58.430 align:middle line:84% The first time we had dinner together, I could barely eat. 00:15:58.430 --> 00:16:00.890 align:middle line:84% My stomach churned with excitement. 00:16:00.890 --> 00:16:02.900 align:middle line:84% She was even more beautiful in the restaurant 00:16:02.900 --> 00:16:05.540 align:middle line:84% than she had been in the elevator. 00:16:05.540 --> 00:16:08.660 align:middle line:84% There was about her a mixture of serenity and severity 00:16:08.660 --> 00:16:12.200 align:middle line:84% that I found alluring, an unsophisticated certainty that 00:16:12.200 --> 00:16:16.190 align:middle line:84% made my being with her both relaxing and compelling. 00:16:16.190 --> 00:16:19.670 align:middle line:84% Before long, we were spending all our free time together. 00:16:19.670 --> 00:16:22.190 align:middle line:90% She brought out the best in me. 00:16:22.190 --> 00:16:24.500 align:middle line:84% Our evenings together were filled with gaiety. 00:16:24.500 --> 00:16:26.750 align:middle line:84% We told each other stories of our past, 00:16:26.750 --> 00:16:29.240 align:middle line:84% sometimes with breezy off-handedness, 00:16:29.240 --> 00:16:32.480 align:middle line:84% sometimes with ceremonious solemnity. 00:16:32.480 --> 00:16:36.290 align:middle line:84% But happy as we were, I felt that by not telling her 00:16:36.290 --> 00:16:40.115 align:middle line:84% about my father's reappearances, I was lying to her. 00:16:40.115 --> 00:16:42.350 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:16:42.350 --> 00:16:45.320 align:middle line:84% I wanted to tell her, and I felt I had to, 00:16:45.320 --> 00:16:48.530 align:middle line:84% but there never seemed to be an appropriate occasion, 00:16:48.530 --> 00:16:50.855 align:middle line:84% and I wasn't sure how she would respond. 00:16:50.855 --> 00:16:54.530 align:middle line:90% 00:16:54.530 --> 00:16:59.780 align:middle line:84% Finally, at my apartment one night, the time seemed right. 00:16:59.780 --> 00:17:01.430 align:middle line:90% I sat on the floor. 00:17:01.430 --> 00:17:07.220 align:middle line:84% Helen sat across the coffee table from me on the couch. 00:17:07.220 --> 00:17:09.589 align:middle line:84% That night, there was about her a vitality 00:17:09.589 --> 00:17:13.910 align:middle line:84% that was delicate and precious, and that seemed paradoxically 00:17:13.910 --> 00:17:16.310 align:middle line:90% the issue of weariness. 00:17:16.310 --> 00:17:21.200 align:middle line:84% She glowed as always, even sparkled, but seemed about 00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:24.079 align:middle line:84% to sigh, to succumb to an inner calling that 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:26.690 align:middle line:90% was remote and private. 00:17:26.690 --> 00:17:30.560 align:middle line:84% Her radiance struck me as flickering and momentary, 00:17:30.560 --> 00:17:36.440 align:middle line:84% and suggested that it was born of a certain sadness 00:17:36.440 --> 00:17:40.100 align:middle line:84% and heaviness of spirit I found hard to associate with her. 00:17:40.100 --> 00:17:43.560 align:middle line:84% And then I realized I was not looking at Helen at all, 00:17:43.560 --> 00:17:44.600 align:middle line:90% but at my father. 00:17:44.600 --> 00:17:47.090 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:17:47.090 --> 00:17:47.975 align:middle line:90% Dad, I said. 00:17:47.975 --> 00:17:50.540 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:17:50.540 --> 00:17:51.065 align:middle line:90% You're back. 00:17:51.065 --> 00:17:52.784 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:17:52.784 --> 00:17:53.720 align:middle line:90% 00:17:53.720 --> 00:17:55.968 align:middle line:90% Darling, he said, what is it? 00:17:55.968 --> 00:17:56.510 align:middle line:90% What's wrong? 00:17:56.510 --> 00:17:58.340 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:17:58.340 --> 00:18:01.700 align:middle line:84% I could tell this had been one of his down days. 00:18:01.700 --> 00:18:04.280 align:middle line:84% He had given into his gift for gloom. 00:18:04.280 --> 00:18:06.170 align:middle line:84% It was clear from the frown he wore that he 00:18:06.170 --> 00:18:08.220 align:middle line:90% considered his life a waste. 00:18:08.220 --> 00:18:10.850 align:middle line:84% I got on my knees in front of the coffee table. 00:18:10.850 --> 00:18:14.450 align:middle line:84% Dad, dad, you're too hard on yourself. 00:18:14.450 --> 00:18:16.370 align:middle line:90% He reached for my hands. 00:18:16.370 --> 00:18:19.284 align:middle line:90% What's come over you, he said? 00:18:19.284 --> 00:18:20.040 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:18:20.040 --> 00:18:21.614 align:middle line:90% Dad, it's you. 00:18:21.614 --> 00:18:24.110 align:middle line:90% It's you. 00:18:24.110 --> 00:18:26.810 align:middle line:84% He must have been moved, for there were tears in his eyes 00:18:26.810 --> 00:18:28.220 align:middle line:90% and he seemed unable to speak. 00:18:28.220 --> 00:18:29.840 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:18:29.840 --> 00:18:31.100 align:middle line:90% Dad, relax. 00:18:31.100 --> 00:18:32.480 align:middle line:90% There's nothing to worry about. 00:18:32.480 --> 00:18:34.124 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:18:34.124 --> 00:18:35.040 align:middle line:90% 00:18:35.040 --> 00:18:36.290 align:middle line:90% He stood up. 00:18:36.290 --> 00:18:40.910 align:middle line:84% Charlie, dear, I'm frightened, he said. 00:18:40.910 --> 00:18:41.630 align:middle line:90% What of? 00:18:41.630 --> 00:18:43.370 align:middle line:90% I said. 00:18:43.370 --> 00:18:46.010 align:middle line:90% Of you, he answered. 00:18:46.010 --> 00:18:49.160 align:middle line:90% My father, afraid of me? 00:18:49.160 --> 00:18:50.990 align:middle line:90% I was astonished. 00:18:50.990 --> 00:18:53.690 align:middle line:84% My father stood before me and spoke with the voice 00:18:53.690 --> 00:18:56.000 align:middle line:90% of a terrified woman. 00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:58.850 align:middle line:90% It was too much to bear. 00:18:58.850 --> 00:19:02.390 align:middle line:84% I closed my eyes and collapsed onto the couch. 00:19:02.390 --> 00:19:04.010 align:middle line:90% I felt grand. 00:19:04.010 --> 00:19:06.890 align:middle line:84% I felt as if I would burst into flame. 00:19:06.890 --> 00:19:10.160 align:middle line:84% There was a sudden thinness of air, a quiet that 00:19:10.160 --> 00:19:12.050 align:middle line:90% made the distance audible. 00:19:12.050 --> 00:19:17.180 align:middle line:84% For a moment, I felt as though I encompassed the whole world. 00:19:17.180 --> 00:19:23.240 align:middle line:84% When I awoke in my pajamas and under a blanket, I was alone. 00:19:23.240 --> 00:19:27.230 align:middle line:84% Helen came over the next day to see how I felt. 00:19:27.230 --> 00:19:29.750 align:middle line:84% She stood in the heavy stream of morning light, 00:19:29.750 --> 00:19:32.270 align:middle line:90% looking more lovely than ever. 00:19:32.270 --> 00:19:36.660 align:middle line:84% I told her I hoped she was not upset by what had happened. 00:19:36.660 --> 00:19:38.990 align:middle line:84% She said she had been frightened, 00:19:38.990 --> 00:19:41.060 align:middle line:90% but now was over it. 00:19:41.060 --> 00:19:43.430 align:middle line:84% She knelt beside me and explained 00:19:43.430 --> 00:19:48.170 align:middle line:84% that it made her realize how much she loved me. 00:19:48.170 --> 00:19:50.330 align:middle line:90% I took her hands. 00:19:50.330 --> 00:19:54.920 align:middle line:84% Helen, I said, let's go to Maine. 00:19:54.920 --> 00:19:58.910 align:middle line:84% We'll walk by the sea, we'll trawl for mackerel 00:19:58.910 --> 00:20:01.400 align:middle line:90% and visit small islands. 00:20:01.400 --> 00:20:03.290 align:middle line:90% She stared at me. 00:20:03.290 --> 00:20:06.260 align:middle line:84% My sudden energy seemed to amuse her. 00:20:06.260 --> 00:20:10.310 align:middle line:84% In the morning, we'll listen to warblers, goldfinches, and cat 00:20:10.310 --> 00:20:11.540 align:middle line:90% birds. 00:20:11.540 --> 00:20:15.200 align:middle line:90% At night, we'll build a fire. 00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:19.040 align:middle line:90% What's got into you, she said. 00:20:19.040 --> 00:20:20.700 align:middle line:90% Nothing. 00:20:20.700 --> 00:20:24.360 align:middle line:90% Nothing at all, I said. 00:20:24.360 --> 00:20:27.750 align:middle line:84% We went to Maine that summer, and the days 00:20:27.750 --> 00:20:30.210 align:middle line:90% were long and leisurely. 00:20:30.210 --> 00:20:34.530 align:middle line:84% My visions of the future were calm and untroubled. 00:20:34.530 --> 00:20:37.650 align:middle line:84% Helen and I decided to get married. 00:20:37.650 --> 00:20:40.170 align:middle line:84% And my father's visits were rare, 00:20:40.170 --> 00:20:44.100 align:middle line:84% if one could say they were visits at all. 00:20:44.100 --> 00:20:47.040 align:middle line:84% I'd stand in the bathroom shaving 00:20:47.040 --> 00:20:48.870 align:middle line:84% and catch the flicker of something 00:20:48.870 --> 00:20:51.640 align:middle line:90% out of the corner of my eye. 00:20:51.640 --> 00:20:55.980 align:middle line:84% I'd look at myself and feel him near me, his breath barely 00:20:55.980 --> 00:20:58.650 align:middle line:84% beginning to cloud the mirror, but it 00:20:58.650 --> 00:21:01.530 align:middle line:90% would last just a second. 00:21:01.530 --> 00:21:02.430 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:21:02.430 --> 00:21:05.780 align:middle line:90% [CLAPPING] 00:21:05.780 --> 00:21:20.000 align:middle line:90%