WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.690 align:middle line:90% 00:00:05.690 --> 00:00:11.555 align:middle line:84% I've never spoken to anyone about this until now, until you. 00:00:11.555 --> 00:00:14.210 align:middle line:90% 00:00:14.210 --> 00:00:19.520 align:middle line:84% I slept once in the field beyond the riverbank, 00:00:19.520 --> 00:00:23.280 align:middle line:84% A flock of nightjars watching over me. 00:00:23.280 --> 00:00:28.140 align:middle line:84% That was the summer of farmer found his daughter 00:00:28.140 --> 00:00:31.350 align:middle line:90% hanging in the hayloft 00:00:31.350 --> 00:00:38.710 align:middle line:84% And wished for the first time he had not touched her so. 00:00:38.710 --> 00:00:43.540 align:middle line:84% I wish I could say we were close, the girl and I, I mean, 00:00:43.540 --> 00:00:47.350 align:middle line:84% But only knew her to wave hello, and walked 00:00:47.350 --> 00:00:50.500 align:middle line:90% her once halfway up the road 00:00:50.500 --> 00:00:55.120 align:middle line:84% Before turning finally into my grandmother's yard. 00:00:55.120 --> 00:01:00.800 align:middle line:84% This was Ontario, California, 1983, 00:01:00.800 --> 00:01:03.310 align:middle line:84% Which is to say there was no river 00:01:03.310 --> 00:01:08.350 align:middle line:84% and I wouldn't know a nightjar if it bit me. 00:01:08.350 --> 00:01:13.250 align:middle line:84% But the girl was real, and the day they 00:01:13.250 --> 00:01:16.850 align:middle line:90% found her, that was real, 00:01:16.850 --> 00:01:21.860 align:middle line:84% And the dress she wore, same as on our walk. 00:01:21.860 --> 00:01:24.910 align:middle line:90% Periwinkle, she called it. 00:01:24.910 --> 00:01:26.380 align:middle line:90% I called it blue. 00:01:26.380 --> 00:01:29.560 align:middle line:84% Blue with bright yellow flowers all over. 00:01:29.560 --> 00:01:34.870 align:middle line:84% The dress and the flowers, they too were real. 00:01:34.870 --> 00:01:38.800 align:middle line:84% And on our walk, I remember we cut to the rail yard 00:01:38.800 --> 00:01:43.150 align:middle line:84% and came upon a dead coyote lying near the tracks, 00:01:43.150 --> 00:01:46.780 align:middle line:84% A frail and dusty heap of regret, 00:01:46.780 --> 00:01:50.570 align:middle line:90% he was companion to no one. 00:01:50.570 --> 00:01:55.670 align:middle line:84% Stone still, staring, our shadows stretched long 00:01:55.670 --> 00:01:57.080 align:middle line:90% and covering the animal, 00:01:57.080 --> 00:02:02.210 align:middle line:84% She told me something I want to say about loneliness. 00:02:02.210 --> 00:02:06.170 align:middle line:84% Something I've since forgotten, the way I've forgotten, 00:02:06.170 --> 00:02:10.250 align:middle line:84% Though I can see her face as if she were standing right here, 00:02:10.250 --> 00:02:12.270 align:middle line:90% her very name. 00:02:12.270 --> 00:02:22.180 align:middle line:84% Let's call her Dolores from dolor, Spanish for anguish. 00:02:22.180 --> 00:02:26.710 align:middle line:84% And whatever the sky, however lovely that afternoon, 00:02:26.710 --> 00:02:29.380 align:middle line:90% I remember mostly the wind. 00:02:29.380 --> 00:02:32.590 align:middle line:84% How a breeze unraveled what was left of a braid, 00:02:32.590 --> 00:02:35.710 align:middle line:84% And when I tried to brush from Dolores's brow 00:02:35.710 --> 00:02:37.900 align:middle line:90% a few loose strands, 00:02:37.900 --> 00:02:43.640 align:middle line:84% How she flinched, how she ran the rest of the way home. 00:02:43.640 --> 00:02:48.200 align:middle line:84% How I never saw her after that, except when they carried her 00:02:48.200 --> 00:02:49.370 align:middle line:90% from the barn, 00:02:49.370 --> 00:02:54.380 align:middle line:84% Her periwinkle dress, her blue legs and arms, and the fields 00:02:54.380 --> 00:02:57.530 align:middle line:90% ablaze with daisies. 00:02:57.530 --> 00:03:00.260 align:middle line:84% I spent the rest of that summer in the rail yard 00:03:00.260 --> 00:03:01.820 align:middle line:90% with my dead coyote, 00:03:01.820 --> 00:03:05.180 align:middle line:84% Watching trains loaded and leaving. 00:03:05.180 --> 00:03:08.750 align:middle line:84% All summer long I'd pelt him with stones. 00:03:08.750 --> 00:03:14.220 align:middle line:84% All summer long I'd used the stones to spell the girl's name, 00:03:14.220 --> 00:03:20.390 align:middle line:90% Dolores, maybe, in the dirt. 00:03:20.390 --> 00:03:23.240 align:middle line:84% All summer long, fire ants crawled 00:03:23.240 --> 00:03:25.940 align:middle line:90% over and between each letter, 00:03:25.940 --> 00:03:31.140 align:middle line:90% Her name now its own small town. 00:03:31.140 --> 00:03:36.480 align:middle line:84% A season of heat and heavy rains washed my coyote to nothing, 00:03:36.480 --> 00:03:40.980 align:middle line:84% Only teeth and a few stubborn bones that 00:03:40.980 --> 00:03:44.310 align:middle line:90% refused finally to go down. 00:03:44.310 --> 00:03:47.510 align:middle line:90% 00:03:47.510 --> 00:03:53.510 align:middle line:84% Weeks into autumn, someone found the father hanged 00:03:53.510 --> 00:03:56.630 align:middle line:84% from the same groaning tie beams, 00:03:56.630 --> 00:04:01.210 align:middle line:84% The hayloft black with butterflies. 00:04:01.210 --> 00:04:06.620 align:middle line:84% But that was 1983, Ontario, California, 00:04:06.620 --> 00:04:11.060 align:middle line:84% which is to say the butterflies are dead. 00:04:11.060 --> 00:04:16.970 align:middle line:84% So too the ants, and neither field nor barn 00:04:16.970 --> 00:04:20.930 align:middle line:90% is where I left it. 00:04:20.930 --> 00:04:28.720 align:middle line:84% I've never spoken to anyone about this until now, until you. 00:04:28.720 --> 00:04:32.890 align:middle line:84% I gathered a handful of my coyote's bones, his teeth, 00:04:32.890 --> 00:04:35.830 align:middle line:84% and strung them all on fishing wire, 00:04:35.830 --> 00:04:39.970 align:middle line:84% A talisman to ward off anguish, a talisman I 00:04:39.970 --> 00:04:43.100 align:middle line:90% hold out to you now. 00:04:43.100 --> 00:04:46.600 align:middle line:90% Please, come closer. 00:04:46.600 --> 00:04:48.870 align:middle line:90% Take this from my hand. 00:04:48.870 --> 00:04:54.570 align:middle line:90% 00:04:54.570 --> 00:04:57.020 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:04:57.020 --> 00:04:58.000 align:middle line:90%