WEBVTT

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There was a character
named Michael Fagan who

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was found in the Queen's
bedroom and he's now

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a part of Irish folklore.

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And this is her
response to Michael.

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My dearest Michael: My favorite
lady in waiting is so loyal.

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She certainly can keep a secret.

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Every day at tea
times she sneaks

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me three bottles of Beefeater.

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She knows that I
can't stand tea.

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Today she brought me your note.

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This morning, she had to
bring me two tablets of Nytol.

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I still haven't recovered
from my trip to America.

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Must have been the
tacos and beans

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we ate at the Reagans' ranch.

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That woman is so rude.

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[LAUGHTER]

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You remember how she tried
to upstage me during her trip

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to London?

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Wailing about town with
her motorcycle escorts.

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Got up in that tacky red
dress, and those wide

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brimmed hats that make
her resemble a witch.

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I was speaking to her husband
and the poor man fell asleep

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still telling the same jokes.

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But back to your note,
my sweet Michael.

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I was so touched.

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But how would it look
if another scandal

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happened to the Windsors.

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They still haven't
gotten over Uncle Edward.

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If I ran away with
you the public

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would take away our
allowances and evict us

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from Buckingham Palace.

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How will we survive?

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On hot dogs and beans?

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Our only experience is in
shaking hands and smiling.

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And there doesn't seem to be
an awful demand for people

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who know how to
walk in processions.

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Somebody has to
keep a level head.

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Andrew carrying
on with that tart.

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Diana locked up in her
room starving herself.

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All because she found
out Charles's secret.

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The secret we kept from
the public all these years.

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Her lookalike is
threatening to reveal

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the whole sordid business if
she doesn't receive more money.

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And Princess Anne, granted
that she's my daughter,

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but sometimes I think she's
so ugly she should be arrested

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for public ugliness.

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The poor young man
she's living with

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is talking about leaving her.

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He says that he has to
put a bag over her head

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in order to get a
good night's sleep.

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So please understand, my
darling, I do love you.

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Queens have feelings too.

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But if I married you, a
poor laborer, who would

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feed my horses and my dogs?

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Well, it's 2:00 AM
here in the palace.

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As the Americans
say, I'm in my gin.

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I just turned out
all the lights.

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Everyone here is so wasteful.

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Philip and my bodyguard are
in the next room watching

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video cassettes of Dynasty.

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Oh, I wish I could
be like that Crystal,

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always taking chances,
going where her heart leads.

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But I've grown accustomed
to my duty, my position,

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and the grand tradition
of which I am a symbol.

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And so, don't be cross
when my lady in waiting

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delivers this note to you.

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Goodbye, my darling.

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And please forgive me
for having you arrested.

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But when we were lying
in bed that morning

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and you complained about what
you would and wouldn't do,

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I had to put you in your place.

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Though we were
lovers, I was still

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your Sovereign, which meant
that my wish was your command.

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Love, Lilibet.

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OK.

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Thanks.

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[APPLAUSE]

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