There was a character named Michael Fagan who
was found in the Queen's bedroom and he's now
a part of Irish folklore.
And this is her response to Michael.
My dearest Michael: My favorite lady in waiting is so loyal.
She certainly can keep a secret.
Every day at tea times she sneaks
me three bottles of Beefeater.
She knows that I can't stand tea.
Today she brought me your note.
This morning, she had to bring me two tablets of Nytol.
I still haven't recovered from my trip to America.
Must have been the tacos and beans
we ate at the Reagans' ranch.
That woman is so rude.
[LAUGHTER]
You remember how she tried to upstage me during her trip
to London?
Wailing about town with her motorcycle escorts.
Got up in that tacky red dress, and those wide
brimmed hats that make her resemble a witch.
I was speaking to her husband and the poor man fell asleep
still telling the same jokes.
But back to your note, my sweet Michael.
I was so touched.
But how would it look if another scandal
happened to the Windsors.
They still haven't gotten over Uncle Edward.
If I ran away with you the public
would take away our allowances and evict us
from Buckingham Palace.
How will we survive?
On hot dogs and beans?
Our only experience is in shaking hands and smiling.
And there doesn't seem to be an awful demand for people
who know how to walk in processions.
Somebody has to keep a level head.
Andrew carrying on with that tart.
Diana locked up in her room starving herself.
All because she found out Charles's secret.
The secret we kept from the public all these years.
Her lookalike is threatening to reveal
the whole sordid business if she doesn't receive more money.
And Princess Anne, granted that she's my daughter,
but sometimes I think she's so ugly she should be arrested
for public ugliness.
The poor young man she's living with
is talking about leaving her.
He says that he has to put a bag over her head
in order to get a good night's sleep.
So please understand, my darling, I do love you.
Queens have feelings too.
But if I married you, a poor laborer, who would
feed my horses and my dogs?
Well, it's 2:00 AM here in the palace.
As the Americans say, I'm in my gin.
I just turned out all the lights.
Everyone here is so wasteful.
Philip and my bodyguard are in the next room watching
video cassettes of Dynasty.
Oh, I wish I could be like that Crystal,
always taking chances, going where her heart leads.
But I've grown accustomed to my duty, my position,
and the grand tradition of which I am a symbol.
And so, don't be cross when my lady in waiting
delivers this note to you.
Goodbye, my darling.
And please forgive me for having you arrested.
But when we were lying in bed that morning
and you complained about what you would and wouldn't do,
I had to put you in your place.
Though we were lovers, I was still
your Sovereign, which meant that my wish was your command.
Love, Lilibet.
OK.
Thanks.
[APPLAUSE]