WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.080 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.080 --> 00:00:05.430 align:middle line:90% I want to read a letter. 00:00:05.430 --> 00:00:09.510 align:middle line:84% What we call in the classroom an epistolary monologue. 00:00:09.510 --> 00:00:11.190 align:middle line:84% So that people will know that we're 00:00:11.190 --> 00:00:14.367 align:middle line:84% not averse to the kind of jargon that dentists and doctors use. 00:00:14.367 --> 00:00:16.200 align:middle line:84% I don't understand a single thing or dentist 00:00:16.200 --> 00:00:18.690 align:middle line:90% except for $10,000, $4,000. 00:00:18.690 --> 00:00:20.640 align:middle line:90% This is a letter, OK. 00:00:20.640 --> 00:00:24.150 align:middle line:84% And this is The Pope Replies to Ayatollah Khomeini. 00:00:24.150 --> 00:00:30.870 align:middle line:84% I wrote this after I read, many years ago, 00:00:30.870 --> 00:00:37.710 align:middle line:84% that Khomeini took out an AD in the New York Times 00:00:37.710 --> 00:00:39.930 align:middle line:84% because the Pope was going to send an envoy to Iran 00:00:39.930 --> 00:00:42.030 align:middle line:90% to complain about conditions. 00:00:42.030 --> 00:00:45.000 align:middle line:84% And Ayatollah asked him why didn't he send an envoy 00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:46.560 align:middle line:90% when the Shah was in power, OK. 00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:49.500 align:middle line:90% So this is the Pope's response. 00:00:49.500 --> 00:00:53.370 align:middle line:84% My dear Khomeini, I read your $14,000 ad asking me 00:00:53.370 --> 00:00:55.380 align:middle line:84% why the Vatican waited all these years 00:00:55.380 --> 00:00:58.440 align:middle line:84% to send an envoy to complain about conditions in Iran. 00:00:58.440 --> 00:00:59.640 align:middle line:90% You're right. 00:00:59.640 --> 00:01:01.837 align:middle line:84% We should have sent one when the Shah was in power. 00:01:01.837 --> 00:01:03.420 align:middle line:84% Look, I'm in total agreement with you, 00:01:03.420 --> 00:01:07.080 align:middle line:84% Khomeini, that Christ, had he lived in Iran under the Shah, 00:01:07.080 --> 00:01:09.720 align:middle line:84% would have led the biggest damn revolt you ever saw. 00:01:09.720 --> 00:01:11.910 align:middle line:84% Believe me, Khomeini, I knew about the Shah's 00:01:11.910 --> 00:01:14.730 align:middle line:84% decadence, his extravagance, his misdeeds, 00:01:14.730 --> 00:01:17.130 align:middle line:84% and how he lolled about in luxury with Iran's loot. 00:01:17.130 --> 00:01:22.170 align:middle line:84% I knew about the trail of jewels which led to his dad's capture. 00:01:22.170 --> 00:01:23.910 align:middle line:90% But a fellow has to eat. 00:01:23.910 --> 00:01:26.670 align:middle line:84% And so when David Rockefeller asked me to do something, 00:01:26.670 --> 00:01:29.040 align:middle line:90% how could I refuse? 00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:30.720 align:middle line:84% You can afford to be holier than thou. 00:01:30.720 --> 00:01:33.750 align:middle line:84% What is it, $30 per barrel these days? 00:01:33.750 --> 00:01:35.460 align:middle line:90% You must be bathing in oil. 00:01:35.460 --> 00:01:38.220 align:middle line:84% While each day I suffer a new indignity. 00:01:38.220 --> 00:01:40.590 align:middle line:84% You know that rock record they made me do? 00:01:40.590 --> 00:01:42.510 align:middle line:90% It's 300 on the charts. 00:01:42.510 --> 00:01:44.910 align:middle line:84% Which is about as low as you can get. 00:01:44.910 --> 00:01:47.940 align:middle line:84% And I guess you read why I had to call in all those Cardinals 00:01:47.940 --> 00:01:51.257 align:middle line:84% and for the first time reveal the Vatican budget. 00:01:51.257 --> 00:01:53.340 align:middle line:84% I had to just about get down on my hands and knees 00:01:53.340 --> 00:01:55.710 align:middle line:84% to get them to co-sign for a loan. 00:01:55.710 --> 00:01:59.670 align:middle line:84% The Vatican jet has a mechanical problem, 00:01:59.670 --> 00:02:02.730 align:middle line:84% and the Rolls-Royce needs a new engine. 00:02:02.730 --> 00:02:04.920 align:middle line:84% The staff hasn't been paid in months, 00:02:04.920 --> 00:02:06.420 align:middle line:84% and the power company is threatening 00:02:06.420 --> 00:02:09.120 align:middle line:90% to turn off the candles. 00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:12.030 align:middle line:84% To add to that, the building inspector 00:02:12.030 --> 00:02:16.290 align:middle line:84% has listed us as having 30,000 code violations. 00:02:16.290 --> 00:02:18.780 align:middle line:84% I'm telling you, Khomeini, that so many people 00:02:18.780 --> 00:02:20.010 align:middle line:90% are leaving the church. 00:02:20.010 --> 00:02:23.820 align:middle line:84% I have this nightmare where I wake up one day in Los Angeles 00:02:23.820 --> 00:02:26.160 align:middle line:90% and I'm the only one left. 00:02:26.160 --> 00:02:27.960 align:middle line:84% Pretty soon we'll be one of those cults 00:02:27.960 --> 00:02:31.200 align:middle line:84% you read about in the San Francisco Chronicle. 00:02:31.200 --> 00:02:33.540 align:middle line:84% And so, Khomeini, I promise you that when 00:02:33.540 --> 00:02:36.660 align:middle line:84% we pay off the deficit, I won't send an envoy. 00:02:36.660 --> 00:02:39.120 align:middle line:90% I'll come visit you myself. 00:02:39.120 --> 00:02:41.340 align:middle line:84% I'd like to discuss this plan that Patriarch 00:02:41.340 --> 00:02:45.480 align:middle line:84% Demetrius of the Greek Orthodox Church and I just came up with. 00:02:45.480 --> 00:02:50.640 align:middle line:84% We haven't spoken to those fellows in 900 years. 00:02:50.640 --> 00:02:56.760 align:middle line:84% But when you have $20 million in the red you'll talk to anybody. 00:02:56.760 --> 00:03:00.890 align:middle line:84% And, I think it's $55 million now.