I want to read a letter.
What we call in the classroom an epistolary monologue.
So that people will know that we're
not averse to the kind of jargon that dentists and doctors use.
I don't understand a single thing or dentist
except for $10,000, $4,000.
This is a letter, OK.
And this is The Pope Replies to Ayatollah Khomeini.
I wrote this after I read, many years ago,
that Khomeini took out an AD in the New York Times
because the Pope was going to send an envoy to Iran
to complain about conditions.
And Ayatollah asked him why didn't he send an envoy
when the Shah was in power, OK.
So this is the Pope's response.
My dear Khomeini, I read your $14,000 ad asking me
why the Vatican waited all these years
to send an envoy to complain about conditions in Iran.
You're right.
We should have sent one when the Shah was in power.
Look, I'm in total agreement with you,
Khomeini, that Christ, had he lived in Iran under the Shah,
would have led the biggest damn revolt you ever saw.
Believe me, Khomeini, I knew about the Shah's
decadence, his extravagance, his misdeeds,
and how he lolled about in luxury with Iran's loot.
I knew about the trail of jewels which led to his dad's capture.
But a fellow has to eat.
And so when David Rockefeller asked me to do something,
how could I refuse?
You can afford to be holier than thou.
What is it, $30 per barrel these days?
You must be bathing in oil.
While each day I suffer a new indignity.
You know that rock record they made me do?
It's 300 on the charts.
Which is about as low as you can get.
And I guess you read why I had to call in all those Cardinals
and for the first time reveal the Vatican budget.
I had to just about get down on my hands and knees
to get them to co-sign for a loan.
The Vatican jet has a mechanical problem,
and the Rolls-Royce needs a new engine.
The staff hasn't been paid in months,
and the power company is threatening
to turn off the candles.
To add to that, the building inspector
has listed us as having 30,000 code violations.
I'm telling you, Khomeini, that so many people
are leaving the church.
I have this nightmare where I wake up one day in Los Angeles
and I'm the only one left.
Pretty soon we'll be one of those cults
you read about in the San Francisco Chronicle.
And so, Khomeini, I promise you that when
we pay off the deficit, I won't send an envoy.
I'll come visit you myself.
I'd like to discuss this plan that Patriarch
Demetrius of the Greek Orthodox Church and I just came up with.
We haven't spoken to those fellows in 900 years.
But when you have $20 million in the red you'll talk to anybody.
And, I think it's $55 million now.