WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.191 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.191 --> 00:00:04.170 align:middle line:84% This poem is entitled A Sideways Suicide. 00:00:04.170 --> 00:00:08.770 align:middle line:90% 00:00:08.770 --> 00:00:11.650 align:middle line:84% "This evening, when I go off with myself, 00:00:11.650 --> 00:00:14.570 align:middle line:90% I go off with myself. 00:00:14.570 --> 00:00:17.890 align:middle line:84% This is a suicide, this going off. 00:00:17.890 --> 00:00:24.220 align:middle line:84% This is a sideways suicide, but I mean to give this to you. 00:00:24.220 --> 00:00:29.030 align:middle line:84% I needed a brain, the way in which it would feel itself 00:00:29.030 --> 00:00:33.040 align:middle line:84% so that when the rain came as it did this afternoon, 00:00:33.040 --> 00:00:36.520 align:middle line:90% I knew I'd go off to you. 00:00:36.520 --> 00:00:39.410 align:middle line:84% When I committed suicide, it wasn't easy. 00:00:39.410 --> 00:00:41.980 align:middle line:90% It wasn't easy, by any means. 00:00:41.980 --> 00:00:46.150 align:middle line:84% Everyone I didn't know wanted to talk about it, 00:00:46.150 --> 00:00:50.770 align:middle line:84% but their manner of talking about it was manner. 00:00:50.770 --> 00:00:54.910 align:middle line:84% Hovering like a plane that didn't land but kept believing 00:00:54.910 --> 00:00:58.750 align:middle line:90% in itself, as if it would. 00:00:58.750 --> 00:01:01.840 align:middle line:84% They also had a way of leaving me out. 00:01:01.840 --> 00:01:04.629 align:middle line:84% Even as they talked, they talked as 00:01:04.629 --> 00:01:06.940 align:middle line:90% if I had nothing to do with it. 00:01:06.940 --> 00:01:09.430 align:middle line:90% My own suicide. 00:01:09.430 --> 00:01:12.820 align:middle line:84% My fallen men and my fallen women, who have 00:01:12.820 --> 00:01:17.050 align:middle line:84% wept now here in my body, in the very disparate areas 00:01:17.050 --> 00:01:21.880 align:middle line:90% of my body, for 12 years. 00:01:21.880 --> 00:01:25.120 align:middle line:84% I thought it appropriate they left me out. 00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:28.270 align:middle line:84% That they hovered over me although it angered me 00:01:28.270 --> 00:01:31.300 align:middle line:90% at the same time. 00:01:31.300 --> 00:01:34.450 align:middle line:84% An author's note would say something like this, 00:01:34.450 --> 00:01:39.610 align:middle line:84% five minutes or so, but I am not an author. 00:01:39.610 --> 00:01:44.920 align:middle line:84% I think authors are assholes and that hesitation 00:01:44.920 --> 00:01:48.760 align:middle line:84% is a jealousy that is no better than feeling sorry, 00:01:48.760 --> 00:01:54.610 align:middle line:84% which is no better than the absence jealousy finally means. 00:01:54.610 --> 00:01:56.530 align:middle line:84% The author's note says something like, 00:01:56.530 --> 00:02:01.990 align:middle line:84% we'll finally meet in 1950 or in 1976 00:02:01.990 --> 00:02:04.810 align:middle line:84% or for that matter, that we won't meet. 00:02:04.810 --> 00:02:08.020 align:middle line:84% Like the rain, today and this evening, 00:02:08.020 --> 00:02:13.090 align:middle line:84% won't meet me, as much as I would like it to. 00:02:13.090 --> 00:02:16.720 align:middle line:84% I don't think the rain is worth coming back to. 00:02:16.720 --> 00:02:19.990 align:middle line:84% I don't think suicide is worth coming back to. 00:02:19.990 --> 00:02:23.200 align:middle line:84% And this leads me to think that the body itself 00:02:23.200 --> 00:02:26.170 align:middle line:90% isn't worth it either. 00:02:26.170 --> 00:02:30.640 align:middle line:84% This would mean that the mind is in an even worse place. 00:02:30.640 --> 00:02:34.990 align:middle line:84% Falling back, like a memory that has no possibility 00:02:34.990 --> 00:02:37.240 align:middle line:90% of being remembered. 00:02:37.240 --> 00:02:39.730 align:middle line:90% Or it means this. 00:02:39.730 --> 00:02:43.240 align:middle line:84% When I committed suicide, you were startled. 00:02:43.240 --> 00:02:46.420 align:middle line:84% At the same time, there was a warm place. 00:02:46.420 --> 00:02:49.600 align:middle line:90% A warm place entitled departure. 00:02:49.600 --> 00:02:54.520 align:middle line:84% The way an author, an asshole, would entitle it. 00:02:54.520 --> 00:02:58.030 align:middle line:84% And in this distance, there is the same kind of memory, 00:02:58.030 --> 00:03:02.800 align:middle line:84% as the memory I see that crosses your face, even 00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:08.020 align:middle line:84% from the easy loving that rain was and will be. 00:03:08.020 --> 00:03:13.960 align:middle line:84% One evening, I will submissively return to this departure, 00:03:13.960 --> 00:03:18.940 align:middle line:84% and I will walk in back of myself like a shadow will walk. 00:03:18.940 --> 00:03:23.230 align:middle line:84% Like a shadow now walks in back of myself. 00:03:23.230 --> 00:03:27.130 align:middle line:84% I will disconnect any old grief you feel. 00:03:27.130 --> 00:03:28.390 align:middle line:90% I will take it. 00:03:28.390 --> 00:03:32.110 align:middle line:84% I will take it off the wall, like you can take the telephone 00:03:32.110 --> 00:03:33.790 align:middle line:90% off the wall. 00:03:33.790 --> 00:03:37.000 align:middle line:90% Then I will speak on that phone. 00:03:37.000 --> 00:03:39.580 align:middle line:90% Authors are assholes. 00:03:39.580 --> 00:03:44.770 align:middle line:84% The rain that is lost is memory that is lost, like you are. 00:03:44.770 --> 00:03:46.240 align:middle line:90% And I'll walk. 00:03:46.240 --> 00:03:49.690 align:middle line:84% I will walk in a very local direction 00:03:49.690 --> 00:03:54.100 align:middle line:84% and I will revenge the change that memory brings as it must 00:03:54.100 --> 00:03:56.455 align:middle line:90% bring change as it changes." 00:03:56.455 --> 00:04:00.310 align:middle line:90% 00:04:00.310 --> 00:04:01.860 align:middle line:90% Thanks. 00:04:01.860 --> 00:04:04.000 align:middle line:90%