WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.800 align:middle line:90% When I lived up in Portland-- 00:00:01.800 --> 00:00:06.420 align:middle line:84% Portland, Oregon-- Steve Orlen introduced me 00:00:06.420 --> 00:00:09.510 align:middle line:84% to someone who was to become one of the people who 00:00:09.510 --> 00:00:11.100 align:middle line:84% were to become among my best friends 00:00:11.100 --> 00:00:14.130 align:middle line:84% who are down here in Tucson this year, Mark 00:00:14.130 --> 00:00:15.360 align:middle line:90% Halperin and his wife, Bobbie. 00:00:15.360 --> 00:00:17.520 align:middle line:84% Mark's teaching in the creative writing program. 00:00:17.520 --> 00:00:20.230 align:middle line:84% They lived up in Ellensburg, Washington, central Washington. 00:00:20.230 --> 00:00:22.590 align:middle line:84% And when all of us would get together 00:00:22.590 --> 00:00:26.130 align:middle line:84% and we ran out of gossip and complaints and all the things 00:00:26.130 --> 00:00:29.520 align:middle line:84% that you tell your friends about, we'd sit around, 00:00:29.520 --> 00:00:32.910 align:middle line:84% Mark and I and Steve, would sit around and write crazy letters 00:00:32.910 --> 00:00:34.650 align:middle line:90% and short stories. 00:00:34.650 --> 00:00:36.870 align:middle line:84% This is a story that the three of us wrote. 00:00:36.870 --> 00:00:40.890 align:middle line:84% And we had set only one rule for it. 00:00:40.890 --> 00:00:43.380 align:middle line:84% That was that every sentence, at least 00:00:43.380 --> 00:00:44.970 align:middle line:84% in the first half of the story, had 00:00:44.970 --> 00:00:46.320 align:middle line:90% to have something sad in it. 00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:54.000 align:middle line:90% 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:56.070 align:middle line:84% The story is called "The Old Comedians." 00:00:56.070 --> 00:00:58.380 align:middle line:84% The first half of it is self-explanatory, 00:00:58.380 --> 00:01:01.480 align:middle line:84% but it talks about a bunch of old comedians getting together. 00:01:01.480 --> 00:01:04.470 align:middle line:84% The second half is a letter from someone 00:01:04.470 --> 00:01:06.350 align:middle line:84% who was going to Rosicrucian's College 00:01:06.350 --> 00:01:07.350 align:middle line:90% to learn to be a mystic. 00:01:07.350 --> 00:01:11.700 align:middle line:90% 00:01:11.700 --> 00:01:15.180 align:middle line:84% Every Saturday, the old comedians got together. 00:01:15.180 --> 00:01:19.620 align:middle line:84% Some had physical defects, a worn-out mouth, a gimp leg 00:01:19.620 --> 00:01:20.370 align:middle line:90% routine. 00:01:20.370 --> 00:01:22.650 align:middle line:90% One guy's on his uppers. 00:01:22.650 --> 00:01:25.710 align:middle line:84% Fritz Wunderbar's house was chosen this night, 00:01:25.710 --> 00:01:27.510 align:middle line:90% simply at random. 00:01:27.510 --> 00:01:29.970 align:middle line:84% But he'd never heard of them, so they met later 00:01:29.970 --> 00:01:36.720 align:middle line:90% in his garage, a gloomy place. 00:01:36.720 --> 00:01:40.260 align:middle line:84% They did their old routines for a while, there in the dark. 00:01:40.260 --> 00:01:42.420 align:middle line:84% One could hear a sandpaper-like shuffle 00:01:42.420 --> 00:01:47.610 align:middle line:84% from the old gimp and the syllables, yadda, yadda. 00:01:47.610 --> 00:01:50.040 align:middle line:84% Fred Allen was mentioned, but they got too mixed up 00:01:50.040 --> 00:01:51.420 align:middle line:90% with Gracie. 00:01:51.420 --> 00:01:54.300 align:middle line:84% And she's even deader, so what's funny about that, 00:01:54.300 --> 00:01:56.730 align:middle line:84% said Minnigan, as they all cracked a rictus. 00:01:56.730 --> 00:02:04.680 align:middle line:90% 00:02:04.680 --> 00:02:06.570 align:middle line:84% Suddenly a noise was heard from above, 00:02:06.570 --> 00:02:11.130 align:middle line:84% like a bird stumbling off its perch to oblivion. 00:02:11.130 --> 00:02:13.410 align:middle line:84% Each touched each for reassurance, 00:02:13.410 --> 00:02:18.900 align:middle line:84% their fire alarms forming the gesture of defeat, the zero. 00:02:18.900 --> 00:02:21.600 align:middle line:84% Something was in there with them, and whatever it was, 00:02:21.600 --> 00:02:22.590 align:middle line:90% it was sad. 00:02:22.590 --> 00:02:25.950 align:middle line:90% 00:02:25.950 --> 00:02:28.080 align:middle line:84% The roof gave way, and who but Fritz, 00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:31.820 align:middle line:84% the little pinhead, slid to the floor. 00:02:31.820 --> 00:02:32.465 align:middle line:90% What a mess. 00:02:32.465 --> 00:02:36.130 align:middle line:90% 00:02:36.130 --> 00:02:40.630 align:middle line:84% Two large tears, round as lost marbles, slid after him. 00:02:40.630 --> 00:02:45.550 align:middle line:84% The gimp slipped on one, further injuring his best leg. 00:02:45.550 --> 00:02:48.850 align:middle line:84% After a while, Fritz began talking compulsively. 00:02:48.850 --> 00:02:53.110 align:middle line:84% The words of the poem, "Miniver Cheevy," broke from his lips. 00:02:53.110 --> 00:02:55.540 align:middle line:90% "Child of scorn," he muttered. 00:02:55.540 --> 00:02:59.410 align:middle line:84% But his cleft palate formed the syllables, "childish corn." 00:02:59.410 --> 00:03:04.630 align:middle line:90% 00:03:04.630 --> 00:03:06.940 align:middle line:84% Thinking he referred to their old routines, 00:03:06.940 --> 00:03:11.550 align:middle line:84% they began to moan and wail the ancient syllables of grief, oy, 00:03:11.550 --> 00:03:13.510 align:middle line:90% oy. 00:03:13.510 --> 00:03:16.180 align:middle line:84% Thinking they referred to him as "goy," 00:03:16.180 --> 00:03:18.910 align:middle line:84% he tore his pants from his body with a cry. 00:03:18.910 --> 00:03:22.510 align:middle line:84% Chazarai, i.e., garbage, gesturing 00:03:22.510 --> 00:03:25.690 align:middle line:84% toward the withered stump of his member. 00:03:25.690 --> 00:03:28.300 align:middle line:84% "It ain't me eye," whispered the gimp, "it's my leg," 00:03:28.300 --> 00:03:29.650 align:middle line:90% and collapsed. 00:03:29.650 --> 00:03:30.730 align:middle line:90% Nobody laughed. 00:03:30.730 --> 00:03:32.560 align:middle line:90% How could they? 00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:35.770 align:middle line:84% Rain had begun to fall through the roof hole, 00:03:35.770 --> 00:03:38.980 align:middle line:84% and now it poured down on the white locks of the professor, 00:03:38.980 --> 00:03:40.480 align:middle line:90% as they called him. 00:03:40.480 --> 00:03:42.470 align:middle line:84% An ex-professor of cost economy who 00:03:42.470 --> 00:03:45.610 align:middle line:84% had fallen in love with a showgirl, not knowing he 00:03:45.610 --> 00:03:48.910 align:middle line:84% had not the equipment, lost in a bungled appendectomy. 00:03:48.910 --> 00:03:56.140 align:middle line:90% 00:03:56.140 --> 00:03:59.830 align:middle line:84% This would make a great sitcom, huh? 00:03:59.830 --> 00:04:02.050 align:middle line:84% This view of Fritz's remnant was curiously 00:04:02.050 --> 00:04:06.190 align:middle line:84% disturbing to his already precarious mental balance. 00:04:06.190 --> 00:04:10.690 align:middle line:84% Fritz's wife, Flame Wunderbar, standing by the door, 00:04:10.690 --> 00:04:12.700 align:middle line:84% looked nostalgically upon the group, 00:04:12.700 --> 00:04:15.550 align:middle line:84% searching for the ghost of humor past. 00:04:15.550 --> 00:04:20.290 align:middle line:84% Her eyes shone out like shook foil, watery, prematurely aged 00:04:20.290 --> 00:04:22.390 align:middle line:84% and a little despairing, though not without hope, 00:04:22.390 --> 00:04:25.120 align:middle line:90% mixed with a fear of failure. 00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:28.240 align:middle line:84% She carried in her hand a letter from the Rosicrucians bearing 00:04:28.240 --> 00:04:31.720 align:middle line:84% the cryptic sign, which had been hand-canceled. 00:04:31.720 --> 00:04:33.880 align:middle line:84% She opened it with trembling hands. 00:04:33.880 --> 00:04:39.910 align:middle line:84% The letter said, "Dear Mom and Dad, really, it's not so bad. 00:04:39.910 --> 00:04:42.820 align:middle line:84% First, they're all mystics here, even the freshmen, 00:04:42.820 --> 00:04:45.520 align:middle line:90% who wear astral beanies. 00:04:45.520 --> 00:04:48.970 align:middle line:84% Their auras have a distinctly greenish tinge. 00:04:48.970 --> 00:04:50.860 align:middle line:84% One of them, Jerzy Kosinski, got 00:04:50.860 --> 00:04:52.990 align:middle line:84% his name changed to Jersey Weinbaum, 00:04:52.990 --> 00:04:56.380 align:middle line:84% so as not to call attention to himself. 00:04:56.380 --> 00:04:58.120 align:middle line:84% At freshman orientation dinner, we 00:04:58.120 --> 00:05:00.310 align:middle line:84% were served oriental chili peppers. 00:05:00.310 --> 00:05:03.010 align:middle line:84% Nobody could sleep that night for fear 00:05:03.010 --> 00:05:07.060 align:middle line:84% of the great Rosacrucian, a former trapeze artist-- 00:05:07.060 --> 00:05:10.930 align:middle line:90% wait a second, I'm lost here-- 00:05:10.930 --> 00:05:14.170 align:middle line:84% a former trapeze artist who was represented here by the abbot. 00:05:14.170 --> 00:05:16.990 align:middle line:84% The abbot was in his room projecting visions on the wall 00:05:16.990 --> 00:05:18.730 align:middle line:90% with his third eye. 00:05:18.730 --> 00:05:21.370 align:middle line:84% About him, there was an air of disgust. 00:05:21.370 --> 00:05:25.570 align:middle line:84% On the wall, Gone with the Wind, the garbage scene, 00:05:25.570 --> 00:05:28.510 align:middle line:90% for the 164th time. 00:05:28.510 --> 00:05:31.750 align:middle line:84% The next day, we were led single-file down a long ramp 00:05:31.750 --> 00:05:34.210 align:middle line:84% into the parking lot behind the university. 00:05:34.210 --> 00:05:37.480 align:middle line:84% We were made to stand in a circle for the entire day 00:05:37.480 --> 00:05:40.900 align:middle line:84% while we were beaten about the backsides with paddles. 00:05:40.900 --> 00:05:45.130 align:middle line:84% After this day, we were to be called the novitiate Kosinski, 00:05:45.130 --> 00:05:48.370 align:middle line:84% after the master, a former supermarket 00:05:48.370 --> 00:05:52.600 align:middle line:84% cashier from Holyoke, who started the ball rolling 00:05:52.600 --> 00:05:53.980 align:middle line:90% toward the godhead. 00:05:53.980 --> 00:05:55.990 align:middle line:84% On the second day, he rose from the dead 00:05:55.990 --> 00:05:58.780 align:middle line:84% without the help of concealed mirrors. 00:05:58.780 --> 00:06:00.580 align:middle line:90% Well, Mom, I could have shit. 00:06:00.580 --> 00:06:03.475 align:middle line:90% 00:06:03.475 --> 00:06:04.600 align:middle line:90% Remember the chili peppers? 00:06:04.600 --> 00:06:08.290 align:middle line:90% 00:06:08.290 --> 00:06:10.300 align:middle line:84% On the fourth day, we were given lectures 00:06:10.300 --> 00:06:12.700 align:middle line:84% in the dogma of the great Rosicrucian. 00:06:12.700 --> 00:06:14.800 align:middle line:90% It went like this. 00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:17.290 align:middle line:90% You guys think you know it all. 00:06:17.290 --> 00:06:20.590 align:middle line:84% Well, there's a parable that goes like this. 00:06:20.590 --> 00:06:21.670 align:middle line:90% God, this is dumb. 00:06:21.670 --> 00:06:24.340 align:middle line:90% 00:06:24.340 --> 00:06:27.160 align:middle line:84% A man who was given his choice of three ping-pong balls 00:06:27.160 --> 00:06:30.710 align:middle line:84% or three paddles by the first of the great Rosicrucians, Rabbi 00:06:30.710 --> 00:06:32.620 align:middle line:90% Jaime Doodlesack. 00:06:32.620 --> 00:06:36.100 align:middle line:90% He was told, Stoffel's choice. 00:06:36.100 --> 00:06:39.190 align:middle line:84% The man could not decide whether to bet it or beat it. 00:06:39.190 --> 00:06:42.040 align:middle line:84% For a long time, he stood in the hot desert sun 00:06:42.040 --> 00:06:44.830 align:middle line:84% preening himself and discussing the choices. 00:06:44.830 --> 00:06:47.410 align:middle line:84% On the second day, a weird beatnik 00:06:47.410 --> 00:06:50.710 align:middle line:84% disguised as a wandering Jew entered the monastery, 00:06:50.710 --> 00:06:52.510 align:middle line:90% inquiring where was the game. 00:06:52.510 --> 00:06:57.220 align:middle line:90% 00:06:57.220 --> 00:06:59.860 align:middle line:84% Someone asked him if he had seen a man wandering 00:06:59.860 --> 00:07:02.500 align:middle line:84% with three ping-pong balls and three paddles. 00:07:02.500 --> 00:07:06.970 align:middle line:84% He answered, no, not with my wife, you don't. 00:07:06.970 --> 00:07:11.080 align:middle line:84% And thus it was that the second Rosicrucian was identified. 00:07:11.080 --> 00:07:13.840 align:middle line:84% This shows that it's not how many balls you have 00:07:13.840 --> 00:07:15.910 align:middle line:90% but how you play the game. 00:07:15.910 --> 00:07:18.730 align:middle line:84% You guys wouldn't be here if you didn't 00:07:18.730 --> 00:07:21.970 align:middle line:90% know when to get off the pot. 00:07:21.970 --> 00:07:24.640 align:middle line:84% After his opening speech, the great Rosicrucian 00:07:24.640 --> 00:07:27.040 align:middle line:84% flashed a smile and walked off stage. 00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:30.820 align:middle line:84% A long silence, and the girl on my right, wearing a hair shirt, 00:07:30.820 --> 00:07:35.320 align:middle line:84% began babbling in tongues and removing her socks. 00:07:35.320 --> 00:07:37.540 align:middle line:90% I understood every word. 00:07:37.540 --> 00:07:39.760 align:middle line:84% I thought it was beginning to work. 00:07:39.760 --> 00:07:41.830 align:middle line:84% That night, the strangest thing happened, 00:07:41.830 --> 00:07:43.450 align:middle line:90% as if by prearrangement. 00:07:43.450 --> 00:07:50.030 align:middle line:84% A large yellow horse wandered into my bedroom, saying neigh. 00:07:50.030 --> 00:07:52.550 align:middle line:90% This was my first temptation. 00:07:52.550 --> 00:07:56.420 align:middle line:90% I replied, yea. 00:07:56.420 --> 00:07:59.353 align:middle line:90% It went on all night like this. 00:07:59.353 --> 00:08:00.770 align:middle line:84% When they found us in the morning, 00:08:00.770 --> 00:08:02.720 align:middle line:90% I was in a compromised position. 00:08:02.720 --> 00:08:04.910 align:middle line:84% But I got out of it by saying, you guys 00:08:04.910 --> 00:08:06.890 align:middle line:84% don't know when to get off the pot. 00:08:06.890 --> 00:08:08.840 align:middle line:90% No one has spoken to me since. 00:08:08.840 --> 00:08:12.590 align:middle line:84% And the horse keeps following me around and sniffing. 00:08:12.590 --> 00:08:14.480 align:middle line:90% Love, Dobbin Wunderbar. 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:15.400 align:middle line:90% You too, Dad. 00:08:15.400 --> 00:08:20.515 align:middle line:90% 00:08:20.515 --> 00:08:23.410 align:middle line:90% Ah, the way we spent our youth.