WEBVTT

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We'd like to put out
another newsletter

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before the semester's over.

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So if you have any good news
with you pass it on to us.

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We only print good news.

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Don't forget that we'll have
punch and cookies after Mr.

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Nelson's finished tonight.

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And copies of his book, The
Tennis Player will be on sale.

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--beautiful place in the world.

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I mentioned his first book,
a collection of short stories

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called The Tennis Player.

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This story first appeared in
Michigan Quarterly Review,

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Transatlantic Review, the
North American Review,

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Sewanee Review, Southern Review,
and Virginia Quarterly Review,

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among others.

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We're happy to have you
with us tonight, Kent.

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[APPLAUSE]

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Thought I'd read one
story from the book

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and then see how the time goes.

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I'm going to read the
title story, which

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is called The Tennis Player.

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A simple motion made
from the shoulder.

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His left hand, holding the
ball, came to the left knee,

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and, as the weight of
his body shifted forward

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over the baseline, Nicky's
arm swung upward in an arc.

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Suddenly the tennis ball
appeared against the blue sky,

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like a moon rising.

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Through years of practice,
countless tosses,

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Nicky saw only the ball.

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It hung there, poised,
and in the precise moment

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before it fell again, the crack
of his racquet sent it away.

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Nicky forced himself
halfway to the net,

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but he lunged more than ran.

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Agee sliced the ball back.

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It came high and
long, and Nicky paused

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a split second trying to
decide whether it would go out.

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It had been too long
since he had last

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played to know by instinct.

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His pause was his decision,
and he let the ball sail.

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It struck the court just
beyond the baseline, out.

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He turned a moment in Agee's
direction, smiled at luck,

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and then walked back
to the fence where

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the ball had stopped rolling.

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His smile faded.

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With a familiar motion,
he dribbled the ball

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from the court onto his racquet.

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He could still do
it effortlessly,

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and no stranger could tell
that he had been away.

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He tossed the ball lightly
from the racquet face

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to his left hand and stepped
to the baseline left of center.

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When he was younger,
12 and 13, Nicky

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had had tantrums on the
court when the ball would not

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do as he wished.

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He cried when
somebody cheated him.

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He remembered that well.

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He always read the
lines honestly himself,

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and he could not keep
other people's falseness

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from bothering him.

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Sometimes, when he
lost on cheating,

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he broke his racquet
on the ground,

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but it was only out
of love for the game.

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That's how he explained
it to his father.

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"You can work out a new one in
the store," his father said.

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"But he cheated,"
Nicky protested.

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"Two hours every day,"
his father answered.

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"You can still play your
tournaments on the weekends."

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Dressed in a black robe, he
moved lights into position

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for sittings.

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He knew cameras inside out,
knew every trick of freezing

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a face into a tedious smile.

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He knew the smells
of the chemicals

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as the faces emerged onto
cardboard in the trays.

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The red lights,
enlargers, dryers.

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He knew the faces of
women and newlyweds

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when at last they
returned to the store

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to collect their own images.

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The ball hung, and Nicky served
the first ball into the tape.

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The second,
topspinned, turned oval

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in the air, thudded
on the court,

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and bounced high and
away to Agee's backhand.

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The return came to his left,
and Nicky reached out awkwardly,

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out of position for
such a hard shot.

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The ball skipped by,
and he stopped short.

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Without expression, he
turned and walked back again

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to the baseline.

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Agee lobbed a second ball over.

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Nicky thought of his father's
saying that the King of Sweden

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played tennis until
he was 80 years old.

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His own movements came
so strangely, dreamlike,

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as though he were so old.

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He told himself that he
could not expect too much.

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But the last was an easy ball,
one he should never miss.

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He remembered Agee differently.

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Agee had seemed slower when
they had played before,

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and he had been more cheerful.

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Now his friend seemed farther
away, not certain anymore.

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The ball always
seemed beyond reach.

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He started to think of the way
Agee had lured him out to play.

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Then, he thought, perhaps
it had been Caroline.

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"We all imagine what
you've been through,"

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Caroline had said to him.

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They had sat on the swing
in the warm spring night.

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Before they had often sat there.

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The terrace overlooked a
long, wide swath of lawn

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which extended down in the
dark trees and the night.

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"We try to understand
as best we can.

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All of us.

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But, Nicky, you
can't close us out.

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You have to try as well.

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You have to try to
come back to us."

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He had closed his eyes
and had thought then--

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And how did one go about
coming back to everything?

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Yes, he wanted to come back.

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There was nothing
he wished more than

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to come back into everything
just as he had left it.

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But, happier.

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He had been so tired then.

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He opened his eyes
again to the night.

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"It's just that everyone
has not moved at all,

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and I've moved a great
distance," he said.

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His mind went on, and he
spoke as though she would

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know what he talked about.

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"Suppose," he had said,
"that I decide to do only one

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thing for my whole life.

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What happens then?"

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"Why, then you become
something," she said.

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He remembered that
he could not quite

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see her eyes as
she had said this.

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"At least yo started
something," she went on,

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"if you make a
decision like that."

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"And what if the one thing
you decide upon turns out

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to be without value?"

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Caroline had looked at him.

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She stopped the
movement of the swing

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by putting her
foot on the ground.

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For a moment he
thought she might

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be angry at such nonsense,
but as she leaned forward

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into the light from the
windows of the house,

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he could see in her eyes
that she did not understand.

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She had never thought
of such things.

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Hers was another world-- one
of application, restraint,

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and respect for property.

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She did not answer his question.

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Instead she leaned closer to
him and put a kiss on his lips.

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Then her mother came outdoors.

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"Nicky, it's Agee on the phone.

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He wants to play
tennis with you."

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Caroline got up.

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"Tell him you will, Nicky."

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"I'm too tired."

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"You aren't really too tired."

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Not really, he thought.

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Who knew what "really" meant?

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He did.

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It was lying in a place
which was not home

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and wishing you
were not as you were

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and being so lonely with
so many people around you.

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"No," he said.

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"I don't want to."

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"This is what I mean,
Nicky," she pleaded.

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"You've got to come back to us."

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In the end he had
agreed to play.

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The first time was over.

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Nicky zipped the
cover over his racket.

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"You can see the shape
of the old self,"

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Agee said, coming over.

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"Nearly invisible," Nicky said.

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He sensed Agee's hesitance
to walk with him.

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They headed for the clubhouse.

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"Later in the summer we'll
play again," Agee said.

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Nicky remembered
the days when they

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had traveled the state like
circus sideshow performers,

00:07:54.980 --> 00:07:56.470 align:middle line:90%
playing before the crowds.

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The crowds were never quiet.

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They cheered losing
shots, and always expected

00:07:59.570 --> 00:08:01.580 align:middle line:90%
the favorite to win.

00:08:01.580 --> 00:08:02.900 align:middle line:90%
"No tournaments," Nicky said.

00:08:02.900 --> 00:08:04.880 align:middle line:90%
"That's over."

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Nicky stopped on the lawn.

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Caroline came down from
the clubhouse toward them.

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She looked bright,
her blond hair

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against the green of the trees.

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She twirled a daisy and
nervously in her hands.

00:08:14.773 --> 00:08:17.190 align:middle line:84%
Everything at the club looked
perfect-- the spacious lawn,

00:08:17.190 --> 00:08:19.607 align:middle line:84%
the trees, the big clubhouse--
while the rest of the world

00:08:19.607 --> 00:08:21.155 align:middle line:90%
had to make do.

00:08:21.155 --> 00:08:22.530 align:middle line:84%
"I watched," she
said cheerfully.

00:08:22.530 --> 00:08:24.587 align:middle line:90%
"You both played very well."

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He had looked for her car before
they'd gone out on the court.

00:08:27.170 --> 00:08:29.630 align:middle line:90%
She must have come later.

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"Hello," he said,
taking her hand.

00:08:32.559 --> 00:08:35.960 align:middle line:84%
Her blond hair fell to
the sides of her face.

00:08:35.960 --> 00:08:36.789 align:middle line:90%
She turned to Agee.

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"He'll soon be playing as
well as ever, won't he?"

00:08:39.830 --> 00:08:41.960 align:middle line:84%
She said he would
be, he thought,

00:08:41.960 --> 00:08:45.620 align:middle line:84%
precisely because that was what
she was least certain about.

00:08:45.620 --> 00:08:48.050 align:middle line:84%
He felt like an invalid who
had to be walked and talked.

00:08:48.050 --> 00:08:56.400 align:middle line:90%


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They said to him, "Nicky,
look at the light."

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He looked at the light.

00:09:01.690 --> 00:09:03.950 align:middle line:84%
He was sure he had
looked at the light.

00:09:03.950 --> 00:09:06.180 align:middle line:90%
It was a small point.

00:09:06.180 --> 00:09:09.470 align:middle line:84%
The voices came from their
skulls, not from their mouths,

00:09:09.470 --> 00:09:11.930 align:middle line:90%
as though they were in a cavern.

00:09:11.930 --> 00:09:13.740 align:middle line:90%
"Nicky, look at the light."

00:09:13.740 --> 00:09:15.560 align:middle line:84%
He was sure he
looked at the light,

00:09:15.560 --> 00:09:16.918 align:middle line:90%
but they kept repeating it.

00:09:16.918 --> 00:09:23.210 align:middle line:90%


00:09:23.210 --> 00:09:25.040 align:middle line:84%
Caroline looked at
home in the clubhouse.

00:09:25.040 --> 00:09:26.928 align:middle line:90%
"I've ordered lunch," she said.

00:09:26.928 --> 00:09:27.470 align:middle line:90%
They went in.

00:09:27.470 --> 00:09:29.510 align:middle line:84%
Nicky looked around
at the glass.

00:09:29.510 --> 00:09:32.120 align:middle line:84%
It was an air-conditioned
room and it felt cold.

00:09:32.120 --> 00:09:35.120 align:middle line:84%
There seemed to be
glass everywhere.

00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:37.700 align:middle line:84%
On a table he saw a
stack of magazines.

00:09:37.700 --> 00:09:39.110 align:middle line:84%
That was what had
done it before,

00:09:39.110 --> 00:09:40.370 align:middle line:90%
and seeing them startled him.

00:09:40.370 --> 00:09:42.170 align:middle line:84%
Before, he had stopped
reading newspapers

00:09:42.170 --> 00:09:45.290 align:middle line:84%
and watching television
and looking at magazines.

00:09:45.290 --> 00:09:47.900 align:middle line:84%
Mr. Davidson, the club chairman,
came over to shake hands.

00:09:47.900 --> 00:09:50.090 align:middle line:84%
"Good to see you
back, Nicky," he said.

00:09:50.090 --> 00:09:51.388 align:middle line:90%
Nicky nodded.

00:09:51.388 --> 00:09:53.180 align:middle line:84%
It was as though he
were back from the war,

00:09:53.180 --> 00:09:55.055 align:middle line:84%
except that if he had
come back from the war,

00:09:55.055 --> 00:09:57.208 align:middle line:84%
their enthusiasm would
not have been guarded.

00:09:57.208 --> 00:09:59.000 align:middle line:84%
"Looked pretty good
out there, I must say."

00:09:59.000 --> 00:10:02.360 align:middle line:90%


00:10:02.360 --> 00:10:04.180 align:middle line:90%
"Look at the light."

00:10:04.180 --> 00:10:07.630 align:middle line:84%
The light came from a
point in the flashlight.

00:10:07.630 --> 00:10:09.435 align:middle line:90%
"That's fine, Nicky."

00:10:09.435 --> 00:10:11.060 align:middle line:84%
In the beginning he
had seen the light,

00:10:11.060 --> 00:10:13.735 align:middle line:84%
but then as they said
"fine," he had not.

00:10:13.735 --> 00:10:16.520 align:middle line:90%
He did not feel himself move.

00:10:16.520 --> 00:10:17.860 align:middle line:90%
"Look at the light again.

00:10:17.860 --> 00:10:19.560 align:middle line:90%
Over here."

00:10:19.560 --> 00:10:21.438 align:middle line:90%
He did not move.

00:10:21.438 --> 00:10:22.480 align:middle line:90%
"That's very good, Nicky.

00:10:22.480 --> 00:10:23.710 align:middle line:90%
You're getting much better."

00:10:23.710 --> 00:10:26.310 align:middle line:90%


00:10:26.310 --> 00:10:29.160 align:middle line:84%
Mr. Davidson held onto his
hand like an old uncle.

00:10:29.160 --> 00:10:32.020 align:middle line:84%
"I wish it felt good
out there," Nicky said.

00:10:32.020 --> 00:10:33.570 align:middle line:90%
Caroline moved off with Agee.

00:10:33.570 --> 00:10:36.350 align:middle line:84%
"Nicky," Mr. Davidson
said, "I have a favor."

00:10:36.350 --> 00:10:39.630 align:middle line:84%
Caroline and Agee had gone off
to leave the two of them alone.

00:10:39.630 --> 00:10:42.070 align:middle line:84%
"Maybe it will help you out,
too," Mr. Davidson went on.

00:10:42.070 --> 00:10:44.933 align:middle line:84%
"Damon, the club pro, can't
take his lessons in July.

00:10:44.933 --> 00:10:47.100 align:middle line:84%
He has that clinic in
Jennings, and we need somebody

00:10:47.100 --> 00:10:50.280 align:middle line:84%
to take over the lessons
for him for a while."

00:10:50.280 --> 00:10:52.710 align:middle line:84%
Caroline was sitting down at
the table, looking at him.

00:10:52.710 --> 00:10:56.010 align:middle line:84%
He could see that she knew what
the conversation was about.

00:10:56.010 --> 00:10:59.190 align:middle line:84%
He saw her mouth moving
in pantomime, "Say yes."

00:10:59.190 --> 00:11:05.030 align:middle line:90%


00:11:05.030 --> 00:11:08.660 align:middle line:84%
"Look at the light now,
Nicky," they had said.

00:11:08.660 --> 00:11:11.150 align:middle line:84%
"Looks different now,"
Nicky had answered.

00:11:11.150 --> 00:11:12.620 align:middle line:84%
It was still that
point of light,

00:11:12.620 --> 00:11:14.900 align:middle line:84%
but now he could
smile when he saw it.

00:11:14.900 --> 00:11:17.730 align:middle line:90%
It looked very clear.

00:11:17.730 --> 00:11:19.500 align:middle line:84%
"You're going to be
home pretty soon."

00:11:19.500 --> 00:11:20.640 align:middle line:90%
"I know."

00:11:20.640 --> 00:11:22.510 align:middle line:90%
"Have you made any plans?"

00:11:22.510 --> 00:11:23.010 align:middle line:90%
"Not really.

00:11:23.010 --> 00:11:25.170 align:middle line:84%
I thought I would
stay around a while."

00:11:25.170 --> 00:11:26.880 align:middle line:90%
"What about tennis?"

00:11:26.880 --> 00:11:28.320 align:middle line:84%
"Maybe play a
little tennis again

00:11:28.320 --> 00:11:29.570 align:middle line:90%
and think about what's ahead."

00:11:29.570 --> 00:11:34.560 align:middle line:90%


00:11:34.560 --> 00:11:36.780 align:middle line:84%
"It would mean $10 an
hour plus the pro shop,"

00:11:36.780 --> 00:11:38.700 align:middle line:90%
Mr. Davidson said.

00:11:38.700 --> 00:11:41.280 align:middle line:84%
"I haven't played
at all," Nicky said.

00:11:41.280 --> 00:11:43.470 align:middle line:84%
"You haven't forgotten,"
Mr. Davidson said, smiling.

00:11:43.470 --> 00:11:48.908 align:middle line:84%
"It's like riding a
bicycle, but it's rusty."

00:11:48.908 --> 00:11:49.950 align:middle line:90%
"Well, it's only lessons.

00:11:49.950 --> 00:11:51.480 align:middle line:90%
It won't be hard for you."

00:11:51.480 --> 00:11:54.480 align:middle line:90%
He saw Caroline at the table.

00:11:54.480 --> 00:11:58.440 align:middle line:84%
Tennis used to be just young
days running in the sun.

00:11:58.440 --> 00:12:00.533 align:middle line:90%
Now it was not.

00:12:00.533 --> 00:12:02.200 align:middle line:84%
"I'm sort of at loose
ends," Nicky said.

00:12:02.200 --> 00:12:03.890 align:middle line:90%
"It would help me out."

00:12:03.890 --> 00:12:05.190 align:middle line:90%
He looked at Caroline.

00:12:05.190 --> 00:12:06.385 align:middle line:90%
"Good," Mr. Davidson said.

00:12:06.385 --> 00:12:07.260 align:middle line:90%
"Then we're all set."

00:12:07.260 --> 00:12:11.500 align:middle line:90%


00:12:11.500 --> 00:12:13.120 align:middle line:84%
At 8:00 every morning
in July he was

00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:16.000 align:middle line:84%
on the court in sneakers,
white shorts, and white shirt.

00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:17.090 align:middle line:90%
The sun burned him.

00:12:17.090 --> 00:12:18.880 align:middle line:84%
In slow motion he
demonstrated the strokes

00:12:18.880 --> 00:12:20.380 align:middle line:84%
of the game to
children and ladies--

00:12:20.380 --> 00:12:22.630 align:middle line:84%
forehands with the
handshake grip, reaching

00:12:22.630 --> 00:12:24.490 align:middle line:84%
toward the net on
the follow-through;

00:12:24.490 --> 00:12:27.760 align:middle line:84%
backhands with the elbow
locked at the moment of impact;

00:12:27.760 --> 00:12:30.010 align:middle line:84%
serves like throwing
the racquet over the net

00:12:30.010 --> 00:12:31.300 align:middle line:90%
without letting go.

00:12:31.300 --> 00:12:33.252 align:middle line:84%
He watched the awkward
movements of the women,

00:12:33.252 --> 00:12:34.960 align:middle line:84%
the uncontrolled
hitting of the children.

00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:37.735 align:middle line:90%
He listened to them laugh.

00:12:37.735 --> 00:12:39.550 align:middle line:84%
From the moment he
had agreed to teach,

00:12:39.550 --> 00:12:42.466 align:middle line:84%
Nicky began something new
with the people around him.

00:12:42.466 --> 00:12:44.060 align:middle line:84%
He had given in
to telling people

00:12:44.060 --> 00:12:45.927 align:middle line:90%
what they wanted to hear.

00:12:45.927 --> 00:12:47.510 align:middle line:84%
Of course in the
details of the senses

00:12:47.510 --> 00:12:48.860 align:middle line:90%
he was scrupulously honest.

00:12:48.860 --> 00:12:51.380 align:middle line:84%
He did not charge people
too much for their lessons

00:12:51.380 --> 00:12:54.270 align:middle line:84%
or say that shots were
in which were truly out.

00:12:54.270 --> 00:12:57.050 align:middle line:84%
He just did not tell
them everything.

00:12:57.050 --> 00:12:59.870 align:middle line:84%
He did not tell people
what would hurt them.

00:12:59.870 --> 00:13:03.420 align:middle line:90%
It was easier to omit.

00:13:03.420 --> 00:13:06.050 align:middle line:84%
"I don't mind the work,"
he said to Caroline.

00:13:06.050 --> 00:13:07.310 align:middle line:90%
"Really, Nicky?"

00:13:07.310 --> 00:13:08.410 align:middle line:90%
He did not mind the work.

00:13:08.410 --> 00:13:12.500 align:middle line:84%
It was the feeling he got from
it that he could not stand.

00:13:12.500 --> 00:13:15.400 align:middle line:84%
Sometimes Caroline came
out to meet him for lunch.

00:13:15.400 --> 00:13:17.900 align:middle line:84%
They sat in the snack room where
instants of his former life

00:13:17.900 --> 00:13:19.490 align:middle line:90%
was hung on the walls--

00:13:19.490 --> 00:13:21.590 align:middle line:84%
his arm around Agee
after the state finals;

00:13:21.590 --> 00:13:23.420 align:middle line:90%
another of the sectionals.

00:13:23.420 --> 00:13:26.192 align:middle line:84%
He looked at his
own tedious smiles.

00:13:26.192 --> 00:13:28.400 align:middle line:84%
"You ought to try another
tournament," she said once.

00:13:28.400 --> 00:13:30.230 align:middle line:90%
"Just for your confidence."

00:13:30.230 --> 00:13:31.760 align:middle line:90%
"Maybe I will," he said.

00:13:31.760 --> 00:13:34.540 align:middle line:90%
He knew he could not.

00:13:34.540 --> 00:13:36.930 align:middle line:84%
At 2:00 he met a
class of young boys.

00:13:36.930 --> 00:13:38.570 align:middle line:84%
Caroline loved to
watch the children.

00:13:38.570 --> 00:13:40.520 align:middle line:84%
She sat beyond the
fence on a green bench,

00:13:40.520 --> 00:13:44.110 align:middle line:84%
laughing as the boys ran
wildly over the courts.

00:13:44.110 --> 00:13:46.850 align:middle line:84%
Nicky knew a few would
become good if they played.

00:13:46.850 --> 00:13:48.740 align:middle line:90%
But he could not wait that long.

00:13:48.740 --> 00:13:50.600 align:middle line:84%
Ball after ball he
hit to weak backhands,

00:13:50.600 --> 00:13:54.080 align:middle line:84%
making sure the ball
bounced to the perfect spot.

00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:56.270 align:middle line:84%
"Watch the ball," he
repeated over and over.

00:13:56.270 --> 00:13:57.440 align:middle line:90%
"Racquet back sooner.

00:13:57.440 --> 00:14:00.500 align:middle line:84%
It's too late when the
ball is already there."

00:14:00.500 --> 00:14:03.500 align:middle line:84%
Caroline was the only
respite, and yet he

00:14:03.500 --> 00:14:06.810 align:middle line:84%
knew it was she he could
never come back to.

00:14:06.810 --> 00:14:09.360 align:middle line:84%
He spent most evenings with
her, sitting and talking idly.

00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:11.397 align:middle line:84%
He did not tell
her he loved her.

00:14:11.397 --> 00:14:15.070 align:middle line:90%


00:14:15.070 --> 00:14:16.780 align:middle line:84%
She believed he loved
her without words,

00:14:16.780 --> 00:14:18.490 align:middle line:90%
and he let her believe.

00:14:18.490 --> 00:14:20.820 align:middle line:84%
He decided that at
times he did love her,

00:14:20.820 --> 00:14:23.770 align:middle line:84%
but since it was only at
times, he knew he did not.

00:14:23.770 --> 00:14:27.070 align:middle line:90%


00:14:27.070 --> 00:14:28.570 align:middle line:90%
Sometimes they made love.

00:14:28.570 --> 00:14:31.060 align:middle line:84%
Those are the times that all
else faded from his mind, even

00:14:31.060 --> 00:14:32.770 align:middle line:90%
the terrible light.

00:14:32.770 --> 00:14:34.542 align:middle line:84%
He knew she wanted
no other than him,

00:14:34.542 --> 00:14:37.000 align:middle line:84%
and he tried to make her see
that he had no other than her.

00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:41.380 align:middle line:84%
He held her, knowing that for
him there was no other chance.

00:14:41.380 --> 00:14:43.162 align:middle line:84%
He could feel that
the sheets were clean.

00:14:43.162 --> 00:14:45.983 align:middle line:90%
They looked tan behind her hair.

00:14:45.983 --> 00:14:48.150 align:middle line:84%
Though Caroline was there
in the darkness under him,

00:14:48.150 --> 00:14:49.466 align:middle line:90%
he did not think of her.

00:14:49.466 --> 00:14:53.006 align:middle line:84%
He knew that what he did was
the worst thing he could do.

00:14:53.006 --> 00:14:57.280 align:middle line:84%
Yet it was all he
had, all he could do.

00:14:57.280 --> 00:14:59.140 align:middle line:84%
He knew it was not
so much her, not

00:14:59.140 --> 00:15:00.730 align:middle line:90%
so much being inside her body.

00:15:00.730 --> 00:15:03.590 align:middle line:84%
It was simply being inside,
lost within someone else,

00:15:03.590 --> 00:15:05.895 align:middle line:84%
all thought
concentrated outward.

00:15:05.895 --> 00:15:08.410 align:middle line:84%
It was the end of
having to think.

00:15:08.410 --> 00:15:10.270 align:middle line:84%
It was terrible to have
it not last forever,

00:15:10.270 --> 00:15:12.750 align:middle line:84%
to awake and find the world
more pale and less tenable

00:15:12.750 --> 00:15:14.470 align:middle line:90%
than ever.

00:15:14.470 --> 00:15:18.930 align:middle line:84%
Always the next day he was back
on the court with the children.

00:15:18.930 --> 00:15:20.730 align:middle line:84%
He tried to vary his
method, but it was not

00:15:20.730 --> 00:15:22.140 align:middle line:90%
his method which lacked.

00:15:22.140 --> 00:15:24.200 align:middle line:84%
Sometimes his mind
wandered to the hospital

00:15:24.200 --> 00:15:26.160 align:middle line:84%
where he had been tucked
away from all of them,

00:15:26.160 --> 00:15:28.980 align:middle line:84%
beyond the vision of all else,
the all-else unknowing that it

00:15:28.980 --> 00:15:30.810 align:middle line:90%
was to blame.

00:15:30.810 --> 00:15:33.600 align:middle line:84%
His mother used to say to
him, "Nicky, are you well?

00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:35.390 align:middle line:90%
You don't look well."

00:15:35.390 --> 00:15:36.770 align:middle line:90%
"No, I'm not."

00:15:36.770 --> 00:15:38.280 align:middle line:90%
"You don't look at all well."

00:15:38.280 --> 00:15:39.891 align:middle line:84%
"What do looks have
to do with it?"

00:15:39.891 --> 00:15:41.730 align:middle line:84%
He would go down to
the photography store

00:15:41.730 --> 00:15:43.170 align:middle line:90%
to freeze those smiles.

00:15:43.170 --> 00:15:45.863 align:middle line:84%
He knew that it was just
that his was the equal of any

00:15:45.863 --> 00:15:47.113 align:middle line:90%
of those terrible expressions.

00:15:47.113 --> 00:15:50.020 align:middle line:84%
He went on from day to
day as if on a tightrope,

00:15:50.020 --> 00:15:52.270 align:middle line:84%
the fear of falling increasing
as the tightrope became

00:15:52.270 --> 00:15:54.150 align:middle line:90%
looser and looser--

00:15:54.150 --> 00:15:56.850 align:middle line:84%
the cars, taxes, directions,
space flights, schedules,

00:15:56.850 --> 00:16:00.120 align:middle line:84%
discussions, airplanes, motels,
counters, colors, money, neon,

00:16:00.120 --> 00:16:02.190 align:middle line:84%
swimming pools, success,
government, medicines,

00:16:02.190 --> 00:16:07.583 align:middle line:84%
advertisements driving him on
and on over the loose rope.

00:16:07.583 --> 00:16:09.000 align:middle line:84%
He stood in one
spot on the court,

00:16:09.000 --> 00:16:11.490 align:middle line:84%
leaning over his basket of
tennis balls, throwing hitting

00:16:11.490 --> 00:16:13.230 align:middle line:90%
and talking, "Careful, watch.

00:16:13.230 --> 00:16:15.840 align:middle line:90%
Now follow through."

00:16:15.840 --> 00:16:19.420 align:middle line:84%
The long summer seemed to
be made of the same weather,

00:16:19.420 --> 00:16:21.460 align:middle line:90%
always hot air and blue sky.

00:16:21.460 --> 00:16:24.160 align:middle line:84%
The sky seemed to open
outward and beyond.

00:16:24.160 --> 00:16:27.370 align:middle line:84%
Nicky baked to a deep
brown; his hair lightened.

00:16:27.370 --> 00:16:29.900 align:middle line:84%
Damon did not come back to take
over his teaching in August,

00:16:29.900 --> 00:16:31.914 align:middle line:90%
but it did not matter then.

00:16:31.914 --> 00:16:34.810 align:middle line:84%
When Mr. Davidson asked Nicky
whether he would stay on,

00:16:34.810 --> 00:16:36.055 align:middle line:90%
Nicky accepted.

00:16:36.055 --> 00:16:37.180 align:middle line:90%
"I'll be glad to," he said.

00:16:37.180 --> 00:16:40.210 align:middle line:90%


00:16:40.210 --> 00:16:41.980 align:middle line:84%
Nicky never began
to believe himself

00:16:41.980 --> 00:16:44.732 align:middle line:84%
what he knew everyone else
inferred from what he said.

00:16:44.732 --> 00:16:47.990 align:middle line:84%
He was too removed and
watched himself too closely.

00:16:47.990 --> 00:16:50.740 align:middle line:84%
He did not make his world
over into happiness.

00:16:50.740 --> 00:16:54.610 align:middle line:84%
He drifted, not
bothering to explain.

00:16:54.610 --> 00:16:57.110 align:middle line:84%
Toward the end of August, he
began to live through the days.

00:16:57.110 --> 00:16:58.760 align:middle line:84%
It seemed to him like
a great eternity,

00:16:58.760 --> 00:17:02.652 align:middle line:84%
each day adding to the others to
make a dark pall, like velvet.

00:17:02.652 --> 00:17:04.069 align:middle line:84%
Each day he thought
he would fall.

00:17:04.069 --> 00:17:06.560 align:middle line:84%
But Caroline said, "You
look so much healthier

00:17:06.560 --> 00:17:08.240 align:middle line:90%
being out in the sun.

00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:10.810 align:middle line:84%
You're much more like
your old self, Nicky."

00:17:10.810 --> 00:17:12.130 align:middle line:90%
"I am myself," he said.

00:17:12.130 --> 00:17:17.339 align:middle line:90%


00:17:17.339 --> 00:17:18.990 align:middle line:90%
"Look at the light."

00:17:18.990 --> 00:17:21.710 align:middle line:84%
He could see the point of
light, but he could not move.

00:17:21.710 --> 00:17:27.582 align:middle line:90%


00:17:27.582 --> 00:17:29.290 align:middle line:84%
"Do you think you
might try a tournament?

00:17:29.290 --> 00:17:30.190 align:middle line:90%
Just a small one?"

00:17:30.190 --> 00:17:31.570 align:middle line:90%
"I think I might," Nicky said.

00:17:31.570 --> 00:17:33.642 align:middle line:84%
We'll wait and see
when it comes up."

00:17:33.642 --> 00:17:36.100 align:middle line:84%
He often told Caroline that he
would be delayed at the club

00:17:36.100 --> 00:17:39.460 align:middle line:84%
and that he could not come
over to her place until later.

00:17:39.460 --> 00:17:41.590 align:middle line:84%
This was true, but
not for the reason

00:17:41.590 --> 00:17:42.850 align:middle line:90%
he knew she would believe.

00:17:42.850 --> 00:17:44.600 align:middle line:84%
She would think that
he had a late lesson,

00:17:44.600 --> 00:17:46.350 align:middle line:84%
or that the accounting of
the shop had to be checked.

00:17:46.350 --> 00:17:48.640 align:middle line:84%
But it was not for those
reasons, or for any other

00:17:48.640 --> 00:17:52.450 align:middle line:90%
than he imagined she would see.

00:17:52.450 --> 00:17:56.590 align:middle line:84%
It was only that he wanted to be
alone after the club was empty.

00:17:56.590 --> 00:17:58.433 align:middle line:90%
The club was a perfect place.

00:17:58.433 --> 00:18:00.100 align:middle line:84%
In the evening the
courts were no longer

00:18:00.100 --> 00:18:01.290 align:middle line:90%
sprayed with tennis balls.

00:18:01.290 --> 00:18:03.040 align:middle line:84%
He did not have to
watch shouting children

00:18:03.040 --> 00:18:04.330 align:middle line:90%
as they raced after the balls.

00:18:04.330 --> 00:18:07.570 align:middle line:84%
He did not have to say
anything to anyone.

00:18:07.570 --> 00:18:09.762 align:middle line:84%
The club grounds were so
peaceful in dark green.

00:18:09.762 --> 00:18:12.220 align:middle line:84%
The air was filled with the
sounds of crickets and breezes.

00:18:12.220 --> 00:18:15.290 align:middle line:90%
Dusk came slowly.

00:18:15.290 --> 00:18:17.900 align:middle line:84%
One evening in late August,
he stayed after lessons.

00:18:17.900 --> 00:18:20.847 align:middle line:84%
He lay stretched out on the
grass beside the courts.

00:18:20.847 --> 00:18:23.180 align:middle line:84%
He stared through the sky,
watching the light blue shade

00:18:23.180 --> 00:18:24.575 align:middle line:90%
darken toward violet.

00:18:24.575 --> 00:18:27.890 align:middle line:84%
The trees above him wavered
and turned slowly to darkness.

00:18:27.890 --> 00:18:30.610 align:middle line:90%
Stars began.

00:18:30.610 --> 00:18:33.430 align:middle line:84%
He loved watching the sky,
imagining how deep it was

00:18:33.430 --> 00:18:35.620 align:middle line:84%
and how it was
filled up with space.

00:18:35.620 --> 00:18:38.770 align:middle line:84%
His loose rope hung
over that space.

00:18:38.770 --> 00:18:41.590 align:middle line:84%
It seemed to him that it
would be peaceful, that fall,

00:18:41.590 --> 00:18:44.980 align:middle line:84%
going through the
space of the sky.

00:18:44.980 --> 00:18:46.630 align:middle line:84%
The world moved
through several hours.

00:18:46.630 --> 00:18:48.790 align:middle line:84%
In this peace a motor
sounded somewhere far

00:18:48.790 --> 00:18:50.578 align:middle line:90%
down the gravel drive.

00:18:50.578 --> 00:18:52.870 align:middle line:84%
The headlights the car struck
the leaves over his head,

00:18:52.870 --> 00:18:54.840 align:middle line:84%
breaking the trees
into shadows as the car

00:18:54.840 --> 00:18:57.100 align:middle line:90%
moved down toward the clubhouse.

00:18:57.100 --> 00:18:59.571 align:middle line:90%
He sat up.

00:18:59.571 --> 00:19:01.500 align:middle line:84%
As the car turned
into the parking lot,

00:19:01.500 --> 00:19:04.500 align:middle line:84%
the beams moved across
his white tennis clothes.

00:19:04.500 --> 00:19:07.770 align:middle line:84%
He recognized the
car as Caroline's.

00:19:07.770 --> 00:19:09.570 align:middle line:84%
The door slammed,
and he lay back.

00:19:09.570 --> 00:19:12.608 align:middle line:84%
Her footsteps across the grass
drowned all the other sounds.

00:19:12.608 --> 00:19:14.400 align:middle line:84%
"What are you doing
still here?" she asked.

00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:16.560 align:middle line:84%
"I thought you had
to go home tonight."

00:19:16.560 --> 00:19:19.590 align:middle line:84%
"I told you my mother
asked me to come."

00:19:19.590 --> 00:19:21.210 align:middle line:90%
"But you didn't go?"

00:19:21.210 --> 00:19:22.490 align:middle line:90%
"No."

00:19:22.490 --> 00:19:24.010 align:middle line:84%
"I just called there
and your mother

00:19:24.010 --> 00:19:25.093 align:middle line:90%
said they hadn't seen you.

00:19:25.093 --> 00:19:27.358 align:middle line:84%
We thought something
might have happened."

00:19:27.358 --> 00:19:28.900 align:middle line:84%
She sat down on the
grass beside him,

00:19:28.900 --> 00:19:30.620 align:middle line:90%
folding her dress under her.

00:19:30.620 --> 00:19:33.170 align:middle line:90%
"You didn't come to me either."

00:19:33.170 --> 00:19:35.940 align:middle line:84%
"I've been here lying on
the grass," Nicky said.

00:19:35.940 --> 00:19:37.940 align:middle line:84%
He nearly started to tell
her how the sky seemed

00:19:37.940 --> 00:19:40.820 align:middle line:84%
to go on forever, not in
imaginable time, but in a way

00:19:40.820 --> 00:19:44.010 align:middle line:84%
he could not even imagine,
just deep and deeper.

00:19:44.010 --> 00:19:46.740 align:middle line:84%
Instead he said, "I would have
come by to see you later."

00:19:46.740 --> 00:19:49.052 align:middle line:90%


00:19:49.052 --> 00:19:51.260 align:middle line:84%
"When you weren't home I
was worried," Caroline said.

00:19:51.260 --> 00:19:52.952 align:middle line:90%
I had to see you.

00:19:52.952 --> 00:19:54.035 align:middle line:90%
He could not see her eyes.

00:19:54.035 --> 00:19:56.452 align:middle line:84%
He thought that whenever it
was important to see her eyes,

00:19:56.452 --> 00:19:58.370 align:middle line:90%
they were sitting in the dark.

00:19:58.370 --> 00:20:00.790 align:middle line:90%
Something new was in her voice.

00:20:00.790 --> 00:20:02.300 align:middle line:84%
Nicky turned on his
side toward her.

00:20:02.300 --> 00:20:04.940 align:middle line:84%
The sun from the day
still formed to the skin.

00:20:04.940 --> 00:20:06.808 align:middle line:90%
His legs felt numb and heavy.

00:20:06.808 --> 00:20:08.600 align:middle line:84%
He didn't want to think
about what it might

00:20:08.600 --> 00:20:11.140 align:middle line:90%
be that she had to tell him.

00:20:11.140 --> 00:20:14.910 align:middle line:84%
He started to reach
out and touch her.

00:20:14.910 --> 00:20:16.410 align:middle line:84%
"Agee called and
said I should talk

00:20:16.410 --> 00:20:18.452 align:middle line:84%
to you about the tournament
coming up," she said.

00:20:18.452 --> 00:20:20.256 align:middle line:84%
"He thinks it might
bring you back."

00:20:20.256 --> 00:20:21.660 align:middle line:90%
He knew it was not what--

00:20:21.660 --> 00:20:23.940 align:middle line:84%
that was not what
she had come to say.

00:20:23.940 --> 00:20:25.500 align:middle line:90%
"What about my lessons?"

00:20:25.500 --> 00:20:27.000 align:middle line:84%
"It's just a
tournament in the city.

00:20:27.000 --> 00:20:28.235 align:middle line:90%
A small one."

00:20:28.235 --> 00:20:30.360 align:middle line:84%
"I mean, my lessons were
supposed to bring me back,

00:20:30.360 --> 00:20:32.340 align:middle line:90%
too," Nicky said.

00:20:32.340 --> 00:20:33.420 align:middle line:90%
"You are back.

00:20:33.420 --> 00:20:36.210 align:middle line:84%
But you don't want to go on
giving tennis lessons forever.

00:20:36.210 --> 00:20:37.080 align:middle line:90%
You're a top player.

00:20:37.080 --> 00:20:41.085 align:middle line:84%
Lessons aren't in you, but
this is, Nicky, please."

00:20:41.085 --> 00:20:42.460 align:middle line:84%
All he could think
of was falling

00:20:42.460 --> 00:20:44.900 align:middle line:90%
through that endless dark space.

00:20:44.900 --> 00:20:47.730 align:middle line:90%
"OK," he said.

00:20:47.730 --> 00:20:48.420 align:middle line:90%
That space.

00:20:48.420 --> 00:20:51.240 align:middle line:84%
He reached for her and
began stroking her bare arm.

00:20:51.240 --> 00:20:53.728 align:middle line:84%
He heard her breath start,
and he moved closer to her.

00:20:53.728 --> 00:20:55.770 align:middle line:84%
He did not want to hear
what she had to tell him.

00:20:55.770 --> 00:21:00.552 align:middle line:90%


00:21:00.552 --> 00:21:02.260 align:middle line:84%
Nicky began hitting
with Agee for an hour

00:21:02.260 --> 00:21:03.850 align:middle line:90%
and a half every day.

00:21:03.850 --> 00:21:06.410 align:middle line:84%
Caroline had signed up for an
hour lesson right before lunch

00:21:06.410 --> 00:21:08.680 align:middle line:84%
and gave up her time
for their practice.

00:21:08.680 --> 00:21:11.680 align:middle line:84%
Nicky took a half
hour of his own.

00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:13.450 align:middle line:90%
Agee was good to him.

00:21:13.450 --> 00:21:15.820 align:middle line:84%
Nicky started off riveted to
the same spot on the court,

00:21:15.820 --> 00:21:17.080 align:middle line:90%
as though it were a lesson.

00:21:17.080 --> 00:21:19.570 align:middle line:84%
He could not adjust
to Agee's hard shots.

00:21:19.570 --> 00:21:22.740 align:middle line:84%
"I can't," Nicky
whispered over and over.

00:21:22.740 --> 00:21:23.865 align:middle line:90%
He made countless mistakes.

00:21:23.865 --> 00:21:26.050 align:middle line:84%
He no longer watched the
ball, but instead hit out

00:21:26.050 --> 00:21:27.535 align:middle line:90%
of forgotten skill.

00:21:27.535 --> 00:21:31.220 align:middle line:84%
He did just what he belabored
in lessons to his students.

00:21:31.220 --> 00:21:34.060 align:middle line:84%
Agee encouraged him
and took it all.

00:21:34.060 --> 00:21:37.930 align:middle line:84%
After two weeks of practice,
Nicky began to see the signs.

00:21:37.930 --> 00:21:40.750 align:middle line:90%
His legs felt more elastic.

00:21:40.750 --> 00:21:44.442 align:middle line:84%
His instincts improved; he
knew where the ball would come.

00:21:44.442 --> 00:21:46.150 align:middle line:84%
He started following
his serve to the net

00:21:46.150 --> 00:21:48.040 align:middle line:90%
with a series of quick steps.

00:21:48.040 --> 00:21:49.990 align:middle line:84%
The serve itself he
whittled deeper and deeper

00:21:49.990 --> 00:21:53.830 align:middle line:84%
into the service court, a
little closer to the corners.

00:21:53.830 --> 00:21:56.642 align:middle line:90%
Caroline also came to watch.

00:21:56.642 --> 00:21:58.600 align:middle line:84%
"You must see the
improvement from day to day,"

00:21:58.600 --> 00:22:01.230 align:middle line:84%
she said, when they had
come from the court.

00:22:01.230 --> 00:22:02.910 align:middle line:84%
"I see an improvement,"
Agee joined in,

00:22:02.910 --> 00:22:04.560 align:middle line:90%
wiping the sweat from his face.

00:22:04.560 --> 00:22:05.910 align:middle line:84%
"I don't think the
lessons have hurt you.

00:22:05.910 --> 00:22:06.760 align:middle line:90%
You were only lazy."

00:22:06.760 --> 00:22:09.270 align:middle line:90%


00:22:09.270 --> 00:22:09.960 align:middle line:90%
Nicky smiled.

00:22:09.960 --> 00:22:11.130 align:middle line:90%
He knew it was coming back.

00:22:11.130 --> 00:22:13.925 align:middle line:84%
He felt the old solid stroke
of the racquet when he hit.

00:22:13.925 --> 00:22:15.300 align:middle line:84%
He was trying
shots that had been

00:22:15.300 --> 00:22:17.350 align:middle line:84%
dormant for a year and
a half-- short topspin

00:22:17.350 --> 00:22:19.410 align:middle line:84%
crosscourts, drop-shots,
backhand volleys

00:22:19.410 --> 00:22:21.060 align:middle line:90%
to the deep corners.

00:22:21.060 --> 00:22:23.910 align:middle line:90%
They had begun to fall.

00:22:23.910 --> 00:22:25.860 align:middle line:84%
Even his mood during
lessons picked up.

00:22:25.860 --> 00:22:29.020 align:middle line:84%
He was less bored, and more
enthusiastic about the game.

00:22:29.020 --> 00:22:30.697 align:middle line:84%
"Weight always
forward," he urged.

00:22:30.697 --> 00:22:31.530 align:middle line:90%
"Step into the ball.

00:22:31.530 --> 00:22:33.360 align:middle line:90%
Never backward."

00:22:33.360 --> 00:22:36.143 align:middle line:90%
Only one thing held him back--

00:22:36.143 --> 00:22:38.850 align:middle line:90%
Caroline.

00:22:38.850 --> 00:22:41.190 align:middle line:84%
Every day she was there,
not pressing him in any way,

00:22:41.190 --> 00:22:42.210 align:middle line:90%
but there.

00:22:42.210 --> 00:22:44.460 align:middle line:84%
She seemed to hang close
to him, always at his side,

00:22:44.460 --> 00:22:47.520 align:middle line:84%
and yet she did not have
the same cheer in her.

00:22:47.520 --> 00:22:50.470 align:middle line:84%
She seemed wary of
everything he said.

00:22:50.470 --> 00:22:52.220 align:middle line:84%
"Tell me the truth,
now, Nicky," she said.

00:22:52.220 --> 00:22:53.930 align:middle line:90%
"What are you doing tonight?"

00:22:53.930 --> 00:22:55.696 align:middle line:84%
"I am telling the
truth," he said.

00:22:55.696 --> 00:22:57.660 align:middle line:90%
"You're not planning anything?"

00:22:57.660 --> 00:22:58.160 align:middle line:90%
"No.

00:22:58.160 --> 00:22:59.193 align:middle line:90%
Why are you like that?

00:22:59.193 --> 00:23:00.360 align:middle line:90%
Because of the other night?"

00:23:00.360 --> 00:23:03.770 align:middle line:84%
He had thought
about his omissions.

00:23:03.770 --> 00:23:05.660 align:middle line:90%
"No," she said.

00:23:05.660 --> 00:23:07.760 align:middle line:84%
"Look, I only wanted to
isolate myself," he said.

00:23:07.760 --> 00:23:12.832 align:middle line:84%
"I had to be alone because
then I'm not lying to anyone."

00:23:12.832 --> 00:23:14.790 align:middle line:84%
"You don't have to explain
anything," she said.

00:23:14.790 --> 00:23:16.243 align:middle line:90%
"I understand."

00:23:16.243 --> 00:23:17.160 align:middle line:90%
"You don't understand.

00:23:17.160 --> 00:23:18.146 align:middle line:90%
It wasn't only you."

00:23:18.146 --> 00:23:21.002 align:middle line:90%


00:23:21.002 --> 00:23:23.660 align:middle line:84%
"Now look here at
the light, Nicky.

00:23:23.660 --> 00:23:26.090 align:middle line:90%
Over here."

00:23:26.090 --> 00:23:29.240 align:middle line:84%
The point of light
seemed very far away.

00:23:29.240 --> 00:23:31.290 align:middle line:90%
The voices came from space.

00:23:31.290 --> 00:23:33.880 align:middle line:90%
He tried to move.

00:23:33.880 --> 00:23:34.840 align:middle line:90%
"So you're back, Nicky.

00:23:34.840 --> 00:23:36.196 align:middle line:90%
What happened out there?

00:23:36.196 --> 00:23:37.350 align:middle line:90%
Look at the light."

00:23:37.350 --> 00:23:40.260 align:middle line:90%


00:23:40.260 --> 00:23:42.520 align:middle line:84%
"And now you think your
life has purpose again?"

00:23:42.520 --> 00:23:44.570 align:middle line:90%
Caroline looked at him closely.

00:23:44.570 --> 00:23:46.970 align:middle line:84%
He could see that her
eyes were ready to cry.

00:23:46.970 --> 00:23:48.970 align:middle line:84%
"You said yourself that
I had to start somewhere

00:23:48.970 --> 00:23:50.245 align:middle line:90%
with one thing."

00:23:50.245 --> 00:23:51.880 align:middle line:90%
He knew tennis was not it.

00:23:51.880 --> 00:23:55.282 align:middle line:90%


00:23:55.282 --> 00:23:56.822 align:middle line:90%
Then the tears came.

00:23:56.822 --> 00:23:59.280 align:middle line:84%
Nicky could see no reason, but
he knew the reasons were not

00:23:59.280 --> 00:24:00.540 align:middle line:90%
often seen.

00:24:00.540 --> 00:24:03.085 align:middle line:84%
She rushed up to him and put
her arms around him and held.

00:24:03.085 --> 00:24:04.800 align:middle line:84%
It was the way he
often held her,

00:24:04.800 --> 00:24:06.210 align:middle line:90%
except that he could never cry.

00:24:06.210 --> 00:24:12.740 align:middle line:90%


00:24:12.740 --> 00:24:14.618 align:middle line:84%
Before every tournament
match in the old days

00:24:14.618 --> 00:24:15.410 align:middle line:90%
Nicky had a ritual.

00:24:15.410 --> 00:24:18.650 align:middle line:84%
He would sit by himself for
half an hour in some quiet place

00:24:18.650 --> 00:24:20.117 align:middle line:90%
and concentrate.

00:24:20.117 --> 00:24:22.700 align:middle line:84%
He would hold his fists tightly
closed for a minute at a time,

00:24:22.700 --> 00:24:26.075 align:middle line:84%
pounding them slowly and
soundlessly against his knees.

00:24:26.075 --> 00:24:27.700 align:middle line:84%
He would tell himself
to watch the ball

00:24:27.700 --> 00:24:29.810 align:middle line:84%
and to hit hard
without being nervous.

00:24:29.810 --> 00:24:31.738 align:middle line:90%
He tried to relax.

00:24:31.738 --> 00:24:33.530 align:middle line:84%
And he told himself
that, if he got behind,

00:24:33.530 --> 00:24:35.378 align:middle line:90%
he should change his strategy.

00:24:35.378 --> 00:24:37.170 align:middle line:84%
Before each serve he
had to bounce the ball

00:24:37.170 --> 00:24:38.355 align:middle line:90%
three times for luck.

00:24:38.355 --> 00:24:39.980 align:middle line:84%
And if he were winning,
he should never

00:24:39.980 --> 00:24:42.080 align:middle line:84%
think he had won until
the last point was played.

00:24:42.080 --> 00:24:45.002 align:middle line:90%


00:24:45.002 --> 00:24:46.710 align:middle line:84%
The hour before this
tournament, Nicky he

00:24:46.710 --> 00:24:49.050 align:middle line:90%
knew he was not in the old days.

00:24:49.050 --> 00:24:50.670 align:middle line:84%
As before he went
off by himself,

00:24:50.670 --> 00:24:52.800 align:middle line:84%
but he did not think about
relaxing or about any

00:24:52.800 --> 00:24:54.780 align:middle line:90%
of the other things.

00:24:54.780 --> 00:24:57.740 align:middle line:84%
He had been with Caroline
the night before.

00:24:57.740 --> 00:25:00.632 align:middle line:84%
She'd been quiet,
sitting there in the swing.

00:25:00.632 --> 00:25:03.090 align:middle line:84%
From the step where he sat, he
could look down the pathway.

00:25:03.090 --> 00:25:04.850 align:middle line:90%
He listened to the crickets.

00:25:04.850 --> 00:25:06.770 align:middle line:84%
"Come sit with
me," she had said.

00:25:06.770 --> 00:25:08.430 align:middle line:90%
He had not moved.

00:25:08.430 --> 00:25:11.450 align:middle line:84%
He could sense in her voice
that it was finally coming.

00:25:11.450 --> 00:25:13.000 align:middle line:90%
"What do you have to tell me?"

00:25:13.000 --> 00:25:15.910 align:middle line:90%
he asked.

00:25:15.910 --> 00:25:17.410 align:middle line:84%
In a suddenness he
had not expected,

00:25:17.410 --> 00:25:19.720 align:middle line:84%
the words broke from her--
a child, Nicky, a child--

00:25:19.720 --> 00:25:22.760 align:middle line:84%
and for a long time he sat
listening to the darkness.

00:25:22.760 --> 00:25:25.867 align:middle line:84%
He saw himself growing dimmer
and dimmer like the fireflies

00:25:25.867 --> 00:25:28.450 align:middle line:84%
far away on the lawn, and he had
gotten up and started walking

00:25:28.450 --> 00:25:29.650 align:middle line:90%
out toward the dark trees.

00:25:29.650 --> 00:25:32.860 align:middle line:90%


00:25:32.860 --> 00:25:34.670 align:middle line:84%
Later, sometime during
their lovemaking,

00:25:34.670 --> 00:25:36.940 align:middle line:84%
he had told her
that he loved her.

00:25:36.940 --> 00:25:39.240 align:middle line:90%
It was not any kind of omission.

00:25:39.240 --> 00:25:40.840 align:middle line:90%
He knew he had had to say it.

00:25:40.840 --> 00:25:42.760 align:middle line:84%
He could not stand
the dishonesty,

00:25:42.760 --> 00:25:44.770 align:middle line:84%
but there was no chance
anymore to come back.

00:25:44.770 --> 00:25:48.230 align:middle line:90%


00:25:48.230 --> 00:25:50.390 align:middle line:90%
"Look at the light now, Nicky."

00:25:50.390 --> 00:25:52.665 align:middle line:90%
He did not see a light.

00:25:52.665 --> 00:25:55.710 align:middle line:90%
"What was it, Nicky?"

00:25:55.710 --> 00:25:59.010 align:middle line:90%
He could not feel himself move.

00:25:59.010 --> 00:26:00.060 align:middle line:90%
"The light is over here.

00:26:00.060 --> 00:26:02.130 align:middle line:90%
What was it?"

00:26:02.130 --> 00:26:03.622 align:middle line:90%
He could not speak.

00:26:03.622 --> 00:26:06.646 align:middle line:84%
The space seemed to
close around him.

00:26:06.646 --> 00:26:09.698 align:middle line:90%
"Was it the lies, Nicky?"

00:26:09.698 --> 00:26:13.680 align:middle line:90%
He did not see anything.

00:26:13.680 --> 00:26:16.050 align:middle line:84%
He took his racquets
out to the court.

00:26:16.050 --> 00:26:18.825 align:middle line:84%
In the warm-up he hit the ball
as if he were concentrating.

00:26:18.825 --> 00:26:20.910 align:middle line:84%
He knew his opponent
from years before,

00:26:20.910 --> 00:26:22.980 align:middle line:84%
and Nicky was certain
to win easily.

00:26:22.980 --> 00:26:24.650 align:middle line:84%
He moved mechanically
around the court,

00:26:24.650 --> 00:26:26.910 align:middle line:90%
reacting without thinking.

00:26:26.910 --> 00:26:28.655 align:middle line:84%
Nicky took eight
practice serves.

00:26:28.655 --> 00:26:30.780 align:middle line:84%
Then he stepped up to the
line and bounced the ball

00:26:30.780 --> 00:26:32.340 align:middle line:90%
three times.

00:26:32.340 --> 00:26:35.250 align:middle line:90%
It was his old lucky way.

00:26:35.250 --> 00:26:39.070 align:middle line:84%
Then he leaned back and pointed
his racquet toward the net.

00:26:39.070 --> 00:26:41.910 align:middle line:84%
A simple motion
from the shoulder.

00:26:41.910 --> 00:26:44.370 align:middle line:84%
The left hand, holding the
ball, came to the left knee

00:26:44.370 --> 00:26:46.590 align:middle line:84%
and, as the weight of
his body shifted forward

00:26:46.590 --> 00:26:50.190 align:middle line:84%
over the baseline, Nicky's
arm swung upward in an arc.

00:26:50.190 --> 00:26:52.320 align:middle line:84%
Suddenly the tennis ball
appeared against the sky,

00:26:52.320 --> 00:26:54.420 align:middle line:90%
like a moon rising.

00:26:54.420 --> 00:26:58.080 align:middle line:84%
Years of practice and countless
tosses had taught him,

00:26:58.080 --> 00:27:00.540 align:middle line:84%
but now the ball seemed to
disappear before his eyes,

00:27:00.540 --> 00:27:03.855 align:middle line:84%
and all he saw was the
wide, deep expanse of space.

00:27:03.855 --> 00:27:07.526 align:middle line:90%


00:27:07.526 --> 00:27:10.454 align:middle line:90%
[APPLAUSE]

00:27:10.454 --> 00:27:31.600 align:middle line:90%


00:27:31.600 --> 00:27:32.850 align:middle line:90%
I'm going to read a short one.

00:27:32.850 --> 00:27:37.000 align:middle line:90%


00:27:37.000 --> 00:27:40.540 align:middle line:90%
Called-- it's called "Instants."

00:27:40.540 --> 00:27:55.292 align:middle line:90%
I-N-S-T-A-N-T-S.

00:27:55.292 --> 00:27:57.700 align:middle line:84%
In winter, the flat plain
before the mountains

00:27:57.700 --> 00:28:00.880 align:middle line:90%
is a wide cover of blowing snow.

00:28:00.880 --> 00:28:04.000 align:middle line:84%
On the plowed road, the
snow swirls like dust,

00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:06.220 align:middle line:84%
the stark white of the
snow drifts passing quickly

00:28:06.220 --> 00:28:08.080 align:middle line:90%
out my side window.

00:28:08.080 --> 00:28:11.450 align:middle line:90%
Today is cold sun.

00:28:11.450 --> 00:28:14.540 align:middle line:84%
A black Volvo passes me going
about 80 on the straight road,

00:28:14.540 --> 00:28:16.700 align:middle line:84%
three pairs of skis
stripe the roof,

00:28:16.700 --> 00:28:20.090 align:middle line:84%
undersides blue and
orange, Denver license.

00:28:20.090 --> 00:28:23.630 align:middle line:84%
The man in the backseat takes
a long look at Ellen beside me.

00:28:23.630 --> 00:28:28.130 align:middle line:84%
She smiles, not
at him, but at me.

00:28:28.130 --> 00:28:30.500 align:middle line:84%
I look ahead at the snow which
is blown up by the Volvo.

00:28:30.500 --> 00:28:32.570 align:middle line:90%
It curls then rests.

00:28:32.570 --> 00:28:34.310 align:middle line:84%
I imagine photographing
the patterns

00:28:34.310 --> 00:28:36.680 align:middle line:90%
as I once had with sand dunes.

00:28:36.680 --> 00:28:38.990 align:middle line:84%
My equipment is in
the back of the car.

00:28:38.990 --> 00:28:42.410 align:middle line:84%
Before I slow down, the gust of
wind has swept away the path.

00:28:42.410 --> 00:28:45.350 align:middle line:90%


00:28:45.350 --> 00:28:48.680 align:middle line:84%
In Hartsel, the middle of
the plain, we slow down.

00:28:48.680 --> 00:28:50.750 align:middle line:90%
Another 60 miles to skiing.

00:28:50.750 --> 00:28:54.090 align:middle line:84%
I drive slowly past the six or
seven buildings in the town.

00:28:54.090 --> 00:28:56.120 align:middle line:90%
The Volvo is stopped for gas.

00:28:56.120 --> 00:28:58.640 align:middle line:84%
Two young men dressed in
colorful wool sweaters

00:28:58.640 --> 00:29:01.685 align:middle line:84%
stand beside the gas pumps
while the woman goes inside.

00:29:01.685 --> 00:29:04.128 align:middle line:90%


00:29:04.128 --> 00:29:05.670 align:middle line:84%
"Do you think they're
going to Vail?"

00:29:05.670 --> 00:29:06.510 align:middle line:90%
Ellen asks.

00:29:06.510 --> 00:29:07.880 align:middle line:90%
"I don't know," I say.

00:29:07.880 --> 00:29:09.890 align:middle line:84%
The unnecessary question
breaks the silence

00:29:09.890 --> 00:29:11.100 align:middle line:90%
we've been riding in.

00:29:11.100 --> 00:29:13.130 align:middle line:90%
"How should I know?"

00:29:13.130 --> 00:29:14.960 align:middle line:84%
Ellen looks at me
with dark eyes.

00:29:14.960 --> 00:29:16.710 align:middle line:84%
I did not mean to
be short with her.

00:29:16.710 --> 00:29:18.710 align:middle line:84%
It's something else, which
I could not tell her.

00:29:18.710 --> 00:29:21.600 align:middle line:90%


00:29:21.600 --> 00:29:23.700 align:middle line:84%
Outside the town, we
turn onto Route 9,

00:29:23.700 --> 00:29:27.480 align:middle line:84%
a small road that curves up
along the edge of the mountain.

00:29:27.480 --> 00:29:29.220 align:middle line:84%
The ranches along the
road look bound up

00:29:29.220 --> 00:29:30.210 align:middle line:90%
in snow for the winter.

00:29:30.210 --> 00:29:33.096 align:middle line:90%
I wonder how the people survive.

00:29:33.096 --> 00:29:35.400 align:middle line:84%
The Volvo appears again
in the rear view mirror,

00:29:35.400 --> 00:29:38.090 align:middle line:84%
its silver chrome bumpers
seems to rush at us.

00:29:38.090 --> 00:29:40.670 align:middle line:84%
Again it passes,
turning up the snow.

00:29:40.670 --> 00:29:43.490 align:middle line:84%
The man in the back looks
Ellen over once again.

00:29:43.490 --> 00:29:45.200 align:middle line:84%
I try to see her
expression when she

00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:48.350 align:middle line:84%
looks the other way, not
following the Volvo as it

00:29:48.350 --> 00:29:51.270 align:middle line:90%
races around the curve.

00:29:51.270 --> 00:29:52.950 align:middle line:90%
"He likes you," I say.

00:29:52.950 --> 00:29:55.570 align:middle line:84%
She smiles, taking
it as a compliment.

00:29:55.570 --> 00:29:57.240 align:middle line:90%
The smile broadens her face.

00:29:57.240 --> 00:29:59.160 align:middle line:84%
She looks fine with
her hair pulled back.

00:29:59.160 --> 00:30:01.245 align:middle line:90%
Her eyes seem pleased.

00:30:01.245 --> 00:30:02.370 align:middle line:90%
"Should I pull up to them?"

00:30:02.370 --> 00:30:03.930 align:middle line:90%
I ask.

00:30:03.930 --> 00:30:05.130 align:middle line:90%
Her smile continues.

00:30:05.130 --> 00:30:06.800 align:middle line:90%
"No."

00:30:06.800 --> 00:30:09.500 align:middle line:84%
I press my foot down on the
accelerator and the VW picks up

00:30:09.500 --> 00:30:10.640 align:middle line:90%
speed, slowly.

00:30:10.640 --> 00:30:14.170 align:middle line:90%
I leave my foot down.

00:30:14.170 --> 00:30:15.340 align:middle line:90%
"Please," Ellen says.

00:30:15.340 --> 00:30:16.738 align:middle line:90%
But I leave it down.

00:30:16.738 --> 00:30:19.030 align:middle line:84%
It seems to me as though we
are suspended in the moving

00:30:19.030 --> 00:30:20.900 align:middle line:84%
car like water at
the tips of icicles,

00:30:20.900 --> 00:30:23.500 align:middle line:84%
not knowing whether we
shall freeze or fall.

00:30:23.500 --> 00:30:26.860 align:middle line:84%
I slow for an unbanked right
curve, trying to hug the hill.

00:30:26.860 --> 00:30:30.460 align:middle line:84%
The VW is too light, and it
slides out toward the left.

00:30:30.460 --> 00:30:33.400 align:middle line:84%
I let up on the accelerator
and pump the brakes.

00:30:33.400 --> 00:30:37.823 align:middle line:84%
A burst of sun hits
from behind the hill.

00:30:37.823 --> 00:30:39.490 align:middle line:84%
The recognition of
something on the road

00:30:39.490 --> 00:30:41.420 align:middle line:90%
strikes me before it does Ellen.

00:30:41.420 --> 00:30:42.780 align:middle line:90%
I press hard on the brakes.

00:30:42.780 --> 00:30:45.820 align:middle line:84%
Ellen jerks forward but
grabs the dash in time.

00:30:45.820 --> 00:30:47.500 align:middle line:90%
I hold hard on the wheel.

00:30:47.500 --> 00:30:49.300 align:middle line:84%
Space seems to
evaporate between us

00:30:49.300 --> 00:30:53.800 align:middle line:84%
and the unmoving shattered
cars on the road.

00:30:53.800 --> 00:30:57.890 align:middle line:84%
To the left of the wreck is
a space to squeeze through.

00:30:57.890 --> 00:31:01.070 align:middle line:84%
The black Volvo lies
crushed against a Pontiac.

00:31:01.070 --> 00:31:04.890 align:middle line:84%
Steam rises from the two
engines into the cold air.

00:31:04.890 --> 00:31:09.960 align:middle line:84%
The Volvo's horn is stuck, and
his tone changes as we inch by.

00:31:09.960 --> 00:31:11.880 align:middle line:84%
Steel mashed and
slanted skyward,

00:31:11.880 --> 00:31:15.930 align:middle line:84%
hood crushed, skis ripped
apart, glass shattered.

00:31:15.930 --> 00:31:20.040 align:middle line:84%
Someone stirs in the Pontiac,
but no one in the Volvo moves.

00:31:20.040 --> 00:31:23.010 align:middle line:84%
The driver's head is wedged
between the door and the body.

00:31:23.010 --> 00:31:25.200 align:middle line:90%
The woman lies over the hood.

00:31:25.200 --> 00:31:27.900 align:middle line:84%
Ellen's friend in the back seat
sits with head bent forward.

00:31:27.900 --> 00:31:32.050 align:middle line:90%


00:31:32.050 --> 00:31:33.020 align:middle line:90%
An instant.

00:31:33.020 --> 00:31:40.310 align:middle line:90%


00:31:40.310 --> 00:31:43.168 align:middle line:84%
I pull my sunglasses
up onto my knitted cap.

00:31:43.168 --> 00:31:44.710 align:middle line:84%
From the top of the
mountain at Vail,

00:31:44.710 --> 00:31:48.320 align:middle line:84%
the earth spreads out like a
white apron covering a lap.

00:31:48.320 --> 00:31:50.450 align:middle line:84%
Pockets of dark towns
far below are folded

00:31:50.450 --> 00:31:52.790 align:middle line:90%
into the creases of the apron.

00:31:52.790 --> 00:31:55.790 align:middle line:84%
Over the valley, the skyline
is only and all mountains.

00:31:55.790 --> 00:31:58.730 align:middle line:84%
I begin to believe
I am not mortal.

00:31:58.730 --> 00:32:01.010 align:middle line:84%
The morning's accident
is in the past.

00:32:01.010 --> 00:32:02.630 align:middle line:84%
I am a bird which
can fly the length

00:32:02.630 --> 00:32:07.160 align:middle line:84%
and breadth In the anticipation
of my flight, I know no bounds.

00:32:07.160 --> 00:32:09.350 align:middle line:84%
Convictions, not
thoughts, are in my mind.

00:32:09.350 --> 00:32:11.090 align:middle line:84%
Born, the certainty
that lives are

00:32:11.090 --> 00:32:15.625 align:middle line:84%
hollow when two people are no
longer of use to one another.

00:32:15.625 --> 00:32:18.160 align:middle line:90%
I am thinking of Ellen.

00:32:18.160 --> 00:32:20.110 align:middle line:84%
I pull the glasses
into place again.

00:32:20.110 --> 00:32:21.520 align:middle line:90%
The sky turns yellow-blue.

00:32:21.520 --> 00:32:23.650 align:middle line:84%
The straps of the
ski poles fit tightly

00:32:23.650 --> 00:32:25.210 align:middle line:90%
around the backs of my wrists.

00:32:25.210 --> 00:32:28.900 align:middle line:84%
With leg and pole together,
I push away from my perch.

00:32:28.900 --> 00:32:30.960 align:middle line:90%
Impetus delivered, I glide.

00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:33.950 align:middle line:84%
To my right, the mountain drops
off precipitously to a basin

00:32:33.950 --> 00:32:34.450 align:middle line:90%
below.

00:32:34.450 --> 00:32:38.140 align:middle line:84%
I dig the edge of the ski inward
and lean outward over the hill.

00:32:38.140 --> 00:32:39.560 align:middle line:90%
The snow hisses beneath me.

00:32:39.560 --> 00:32:41.380 align:middle line:84%
Whatever I need I
have learned long ago

00:32:41.380 --> 00:32:42.340 align:middle line:90%
and do not think about.

00:32:42.340 --> 00:32:45.340 align:middle line:84%
Weight farther back in the
powder, tuck and lift up.

00:32:45.340 --> 00:32:46.750 align:middle line:90%
It is not like other things.

00:32:46.750 --> 00:32:49.860 align:middle line:90%


00:32:49.860 --> 00:32:51.000 align:middle line:90%
I stop.

00:32:51.000 --> 00:32:54.090 align:middle line:84%
Down in the folds the valley,
Ellen skis easier terrain.

00:32:54.090 --> 00:32:56.350 align:middle line:84%
She is foolishly afraid
to ski here with me,

00:32:56.350 --> 00:32:59.190 align:middle line:84%
and I am foolishly afraid
to ski there with her.

00:32:59.190 --> 00:33:01.680 align:middle line:84%
Where I stand, the
mountain cuts off the wind.

00:33:01.680 --> 00:33:03.480 align:middle line:84%
In the quiet I pick
out a cloud and watch

00:33:03.480 --> 00:33:05.920 align:middle line:90%
it move across the mountains.

00:33:05.920 --> 00:33:07.270 align:middle line:90%
Clouds are scarce today.

00:33:07.270 --> 00:33:09.510 align:middle line:90%
It reminds me how lazy I am.

00:33:09.510 --> 00:33:12.450 align:middle line:84%
I cannot muster my strength
to hold onto people.

00:33:12.450 --> 00:33:16.110 align:middle line:84%
It would seem that such a lazy
person would content himself

00:33:16.110 --> 00:33:17.040 align:middle line:90%
and hold onto one.

00:33:17.040 --> 00:33:20.290 align:middle line:90%


00:33:20.290 --> 00:33:21.830 align:middle line:84%
Without thinking,
the weight moves.

00:33:21.830 --> 00:33:25.070 align:middle line:84%
It seems that I barely make
contact with the smooth snow.

00:33:25.070 --> 00:33:25.920 align:middle line:90%
Pole and spring up.

00:33:25.920 --> 00:33:28.210 align:middle line:84%
I angle cross-country
toward the manicured trail.

00:33:28.210 --> 00:33:31.090 align:middle line:84%
I hurry, as though I have seen
something to be afraid of.

00:33:31.090 --> 00:33:33.070 align:middle line:90%
I am making a run for it.

00:33:33.070 --> 00:33:34.630 align:middle line:90%
Full speed, I hit a drop-off.

00:33:34.630 --> 00:33:37.780 align:middle line:84%
It looked to me like
the one white apron.

00:33:37.780 --> 00:33:39.370 align:middle line:84%
In the air my body
sinks quickly,

00:33:39.370 --> 00:33:41.290 align:middle line:90%
though my mind seems to wait.

00:33:41.290 --> 00:33:42.760 align:middle line:90%
I lurch and lose balance.

00:33:42.760 --> 00:33:44.680 align:middle line:84%
I feel my poles
flip out underneath

00:33:44.680 --> 00:33:46.540 align:middle line:84%
and the skis drag
through the air.

00:33:46.540 --> 00:33:50.170 align:middle line:84%
A tip catches and I snap
forward, arms outstretched.

00:33:50.170 --> 00:33:52.600 align:middle line:84%
The first puff of
snow hits my glasses.

00:33:52.600 --> 00:33:55.120 align:middle line:90%
I feel the binding snap open.

00:33:55.120 --> 00:33:56.800 align:middle line:84%
It is the second
impact, the bounce,

00:33:56.800 --> 00:33:58.261 align:middle line:90%
when the pain stings my knee.

00:33:58.261 --> 00:34:05.580 align:middle line:90%


00:34:05.580 --> 00:34:08.130 align:middle line:84%
I have been drinking solid
scotches for almost an hour

00:34:08.130 --> 00:34:10.530 align:middle line:84%
and have limped back and
forth to the bathroom.

00:34:10.530 --> 00:34:13.710 align:middle line:84%
Ellen has gone to the room
to rest, and I wait for her.

00:34:13.710 --> 00:34:15.840 align:middle line:90%
A stranger notices my cast.

00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:18.090 align:middle line:90%
"Today?" he asks, pointing.

00:34:18.090 --> 00:34:20.130 align:middle line:84%
He has on a gray sweater,
lighter than his hair,

00:34:20.130 --> 00:34:22.050 align:middle line:90%
baggy pants, and slippers.

00:34:22.050 --> 00:34:24.239 align:middle line:90%
I nod, and he smiles.

00:34:24.239 --> 00:34:25.139 align:middle line:90%
"Broken?"

00:34:25.139 --> 00:34:28.719 align:middle line:84%
His questions in one word
bother me for no reason.

00:34:28.719 --> 00:34:31.380 align:middle line:84%
There are pouches under his
eyes which make him look weary.

00:34:31.380 --> 00:34:32.470 align:middle line:90%
"Torn ligaments."

00:34:32.470 --> 00:34:35.850 align:middle line:84%
"It could have been
worse," he said.

00:34:35.850 --> 00:34:38.177 align:middle line:90%
"I could have been dead," I say.

00:34:38.177 --> 00:34:39.719 align:middle line:84%
I think of the
accident that morning.

00:34:39.719 --> 00:34:42.300 align:middle line:84%
The lightness of my
tone frightens me.

00:34:42.300 --> 00:34:45.870 align:middle line:84%
He begins to tell a life
story, how he got where he got.

00:34:45.870 --> 00:34:47.949 align:middle line:84%
Ellen comes in,
sleepy-eyed from a nap.

00:34:47.949 --> 00:34:50.400 align:middle line:84%
The man spends a long
time looking at her.

00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:52.298 align:middle line:90%
"Profession?" he asks me.

00:34:52.298 --> 00:34:53.340 align:middle line:90%
"Free-lance photographer.

00:34:53.340 --> 00:34:55.860 align:middle line:84%
Travel, fashion,
on-the-scene things.

00:34:55.860 --> 00:34:59.010 align:middle line:90%
Almost whatever I can get.

00:34:59.010 --> 00:35:01.110 align:middle line:84%
"I don't like the
"press, he says.

00:35:01.110 --> 00:35:03.570 align:middle line:84%
He goes on, thinking
aloud that the press has

00:35:03.570 --> 00:35:05.640 align:middle line:84%
sponsored the war and the
riots of the divisions

00:35:05.640 --> 00:35:06.930 align:middle line:90%
in the country.

00:35:06.930 --> 00:35:10.980 align:middle line:84%
I keep sipping my scotch
as he starts to rave.

00:35:10.980 --> 00:35:13.230 align:middle line:84%
I can feel Ellen take my
arm, as though she knows

00:35:13.230 --> 00:35:15.090 align:middle line:90%
what's coming through my head.

00:35:15.090 --> 00:35:16.170 align:middle line:90%
I listen.

00:35:16.170 --> 00:35:19.470 align:middle line:84%
The room begins to wave
like heat over a radiator.

00:35:19.470 --> 00:35:22.050 align:middle line:84%
"Come on, let's go,"
Ellen whispers to me.

00:35:22.050 --> 00:35:22.740 align:middle line:90%
I stand up.

00:35:22.740 --> 00:35:24.140 align:middle line:84%
And continue to
listen and listen

00:35:24.140 --> 00:35:25.800 align:middle line:84%
until I'm not hearing
words anymore,

00:35:25.800 --> 00:35:27.675 align:middle line:84%
but only the
hammering in my head.

00:35:27.675 --> 00:35:32.170 align:middle line:84%
It is the puffy skin under his
eyes that keeps coming to mind.

00:35:32.170 --> 00:35:33.630 align:middle line:90%
"Please," Ellen says.

00:35:33.630 --> 00:35:36.300 align:middle line:84%
He's calling the press
people liars and opportunists

00:35:36.300 --> 00:35:37.660 align:middle line:90%
of the worst sort.

00:35:37.660 --> 00:35:38.160 align:middle line:90%
"Hey!"

00:35:38.160 --> 00:35:39.180 align:middle line:90%
I shout.

00:35:39.180 --> 00:35:40.620 align:middle line:84%
He looks at me
and stops talking.

00:35:40.620 --> 00:35:42.510 align:middle line:84%
For the first time
he really sees me.

00:35:42.510 --> 00:35:43.870 align:middle line:90%
I can tell by his eyes.

00:35:43.870 --> 00:35:45.540 align:middle line:84%
My fist rushes
forward from the chest

00:35:45.540 --> 00:35:47.290 align:middle line:84%
and connects just to
the right of his nose

00:35:47.290 --> 00:35:49.110 align:middle line:90%
and a little above the mouth.

00:35:49.110 --> 00:35:50.880 align:middle line:90%
I miss the sacks under his eyes.

00:35:50.880 --> 00:35:59.550 align:middle line:90%


00:35:59.550 --> 00:36:02.340 align:middle line:84%
I reach down and take
Ellen's hand away.

00:36:02.340 --> 00:36:05.532 align:middle line:84%
"I've been drinking
too much," I say.

00:36:05.532 --> 00:36:08.880 align:middle line:84%
The voice seems to come
disembodied from the air.

00:36:08.880 --> 00:36:12.073 align:middle line:84%
I open my eyes and almost
expect to see the voice,

00:36:12.073 --> 00:36:13.740 align:middle line:84%
but it is only the
darkness of the room.

00:36:13.740 --> 00:36:16.870 align:middle line:90%


00:36:16.870 --> 00:36:19.870 align:middle line:84%
Ellen put your head on my chest
and rests her hands there too.

00:36:19.870 --> 00:36:23.930 align:middle line:84%
Her warmth seems so genuine
that I cannot disbelieve it.

00:36:23.930 --> 00:36:25.860 align:middle line:84%
"What are you
thinking?" she asks.

00:36:25.860 --> 00:36:27.826 align:middle line:90%
"Nothing."

00:36:27.826 --> 00:36:31.250 align:middle line:84%
I wonder in the silence whether
anyone can think nothing.

00:36:31.250 --> 00:36:32.760 align:middle line:90%
Ellen moves.

00:36:32.760 --> 00:36:36.195 align:middle line:84%
"Sometimes you shut me
out so tightly." she says.

00:36:36.195 --> 00:36:38.040 align:middle line:84%
She sits up on the
bed in the dark.

00:36:38.040 --> 00:36:41.660 align:middle line:84%
Her nakedness, moving away,
is our nakedness together.

00:36:41.660 --> 00:36:44.725 align:middle line:90%
She doesn't cry.

00:36:44.725 --> 00:36:47.180 align:middle line:84%
We had met three months before
on one of my assignments

00:36:47.180 --> 00:36:50.470 align:middle line:84%
to photograph a new exhibit she
had arranged for a fine arts

00:36:50.470 --> 00:36:51.730 align:middle line:90%
center.

00:36:51.730 --> 00:36:53.650 align:middle line:84%
I see her there, as
though in a photograph.

00:36:53.650 --> 00:36:56.440 align:middle line:84%
Brilliant dark hair,
dark eyes, yellow dress.

00:36:56.440 --> 00:36:59.390 align:middle line:90%
Though now the light has gone.

00:36:59.390 --> 00:37:02.090 align:middle line:84%
Lying one night on a picnic
blanket, at first she said no.

00:37:02.090 --> 00:37:05.062 align:middle line:84%
She seemed to be one
with too much to lose.

00:37:05.062 --> 00:37:06.990 align:middle line:84%
Then it had grown
darker, and in the dusk

00:37:06.990 --> 00:37:11.280 align:middle line:84%
the world had seemed to
dissolve into dust around us,

00:37:11.280 --> 00:37:14.480 align:middle line:84%
and timeless, she said yes,
because it no longer mattered

00:37:14.480 --> 00:37:16.180 align:middle line:90%
what she lost.

00:37:16.180 --> 00:37:17.170 align:middle line:90%
She could not help it.

00:37:17.170 --> 00:37:19.000 align:middle line:84%
I remember still
her short hair then,

00:37:19.000 --> 00:37:21.800 align:middle line:84%
and her wide-lipped mouth,
and later, with hands

00:37:21.800 --> 00:37:24.126 align:middle line:84%
shaking as she bent
over the cigarette.

00:37:24.126 --> 00:37:27.388 align:middle line:90%


00:37:27.388 --> 00:37:29.960 align:middle line:84%
The sheets rustle as
she turns to me again.

00:37:29.960 --> 00:37:32.560 align:middle line:84%
"There must be some other way
for us to go on," she says.

00:37:32.560 --> 00:37:34.602 align:middle line:84%
"When it's like this I
don't know where I stand."

00:37:34.602 --> 00:37:37.530 align:middle line:90%


00:37:37.530 --> 00:37:40.460 align:middle line:84%
"I don't know where
I stand either."

00:37:40.460 --> 00:37:41.915 align:middle line:90%
"With me you know."

00:37:41.915 --> 00:37:44.830 align:middle line:90%


00:37:44.830 --> 00:37:45.700 align:middle line:90%
I cannot answer.

00:37:45.700 --> 00:37:47.020 align:middle line:90%
I'm running away.

00:37:47.020 --> 00:37:49.480 align:middle line:84%
As I run, I try to grasp
one thing and then another,

00:37:49.480 --> 00:37:51.550 align:middle line:84%
to hold onto them for
just a moment of time,

00:37:51.550 --> 00:37:53.950 align:middle line:84%
to give me support,
but I can hold nothing.

00:37:53.950 --> 00:37:56.920 align:middle line:84%
It is painful to have everything
slip just beyond my reach.

00:37:56.920 --> 00:37:59.350 align:middle line:84%
But after a while, pain is
no different from the absence

00:37:59.350 --> 00:38:01.640 align:middle line:90%
of pain.

00:38:01.640 --> 00:38:04.418 align:middle line:84%
Finally I say, "With
me you know, too."

00:38:04.418 --> 00:38:07.700 align:middle line:90%


00:38:07.700 --> 00:38:09.770 align:middle line:90%
We lie together a long time.

00:38:09.770 --> 00:38:12.830 align:middle line:84%
We return to the familiar
warmth, sleeping.

00:38:12.830 --> 00:38:16.220 align:middle line:84%
I hear her breath, and at last
inch away from touching her.

00:38:16.220 --> 00:38:19.270 align:middle line:84%
In the middle of the night,
I wake and turn to her.

00:38:19.270 --> 00:38:22.360 align:middle line:84%
She does not resist, but
eases over in the bed.

00:38:22.360 --> 00:38:24.280 align:middle line:84%
Connection of the
most superficial sort,

00:38:24.280 --> 00:38:27.130 align:middle line:90%
almost like a glance.

00:38:27.130 --> 00:38:29.170 align:middle line:84%
That realization sends
me running again,

00:38:29.170 --> 00:38:31.400 align:middle line:84%
mindless, with the white
snow rushing past me.

00:38:31.400 --> 00:38:32.950 align:middle line:84%
My legs running,
and in the darkness

00:38:32.950 --> 00:38:35.810 align:middle line:84%
the silence broken
by Ellen's whines.

00:38:35.810 --> 00:38:37.180 align:middle line:90%
Then it happens suddenly.

00:38:37.180 --> 00:38:40.420 align:middle line:90%
At last, the running slows.

00:38:40.420 --> 00:38:43.232 align:middle line:84%
I breathe again,
sad to come back.

00:38:43.232 --> 00:38:46.683 align:middle line:90%


00:38:46.683 --> 00:38:48.660 align:middle line:90%
Instants.

00:38:48.660 --> 00:38:50.910 align:middle line:84%
My first memory of
particles was one afternoon

00:38:50.910 --> 00:38:53.100 align:middle line:84%
as a child when the
sunshafts came into my room

00:38:53.100 --> 00:38:54.600 align:middle line:90%
through the windows.

00:38:54.600 --> 00:38:56.790 align:middle line:84%
The light illuminated
millions of particles

00:38:56.790 --> 00:38:58.920 align:middle line:90%
of dust floating in the air.

00:38:58.920 --> 00:39:00.990 align:middle line:84%
I could sweep my hand
through the shaft of light,

00:39:00.990 --> 00:39:02.490 align:middle line:90%
stirring the particles.

00:39:02.490 --> 00:39:05.100 align:middle line:84%
But always they returned
to floating again,

00:39:05.100 --> 00:39:06.780 align:middle line:84%
in and out of the
light, according

00:39:06.780 --> 00:39:08.913 align:middle line:90%
to the currents of the air.

00:39:08.913 --> 00:39:10.830 align:middle line:84%
One moment I could see
them, and the next they

00:39:10.830 --> 00:39:12.747 align:middle line:84%
had passed the border
of light into the shadow

00:39:12.747 --> 00:39:15.000 align:middle line:90%
and disappeared.

00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:15.500 align:middle line:90%
Instants.

00:39:15.500 --> 00:39:16.880 align:middle line:90%
The instant of a shutter.

00:39:16.880 --> 00:39:17.660 align:middle line:90%
The sand dunes.

00:39:17.660 --> 00:39:19.370 align:middle line:84%
The pattern of snow
curls on the road.

00:39:19.370 --> 00:39:21.260 align:middle line:84%
The film freezes the
moving particles.

00:39:21.260 --> 00:39:25.301 align:middle line:84%
Beyond the shutter the particles
in life continue to move.

00:39:25.301 --> 00:39:28.870 align:middle line:84%
A bird in flight
continues to soar.

00:39:28.870 --> 00:39:30.620 align:middle line:84%
I have often sat
alone in my darkroom

00:39:30.620 --> 00:39:34.160 align:middle line:84%
hanging these
instants along a wire.

00:39:34.160 --> 00:39:36.810 align:middle line:84%
I have divided
light into moments.

00:39:36.810 --> 00:39:39.720 align:middle line:90%
Particles of separated time.

00:39:39.720 --> 00:39:43.680 align:middle line:84%
At what point does a heart
begin to flutter in the womb?

00:39:43.680 --> 00:39:45.900 align:middle line:84%
I have at times stood before
a trayful of negatives

00:39:45.900 --> 00:39:48.630 align:middle line:84%
for hours, wondering what
I have done to myself.

00:39:48.630 --> 00:39:51.540 align:middle line:90%


00:39:51.540 --> 00:39:53.930 align:middle line:90%
It is sleep coming on me.

00:39:53.930 --> 00:39:57.620 align:middle line:84%
A few minutes have passed since
Ellen and I have made love.

00:39:57.620 --> 00:39:59.330 align:middle line:84%
I drift in that
moment before sleep,

00:39:59.330 --> 00:40:01.430 align:middle line:84%
like the particles of
dust through the sunshaft

00:40:01.430 --> 00:40:06.260 align:middle line:84%
of light in my room, not knowing
even whether I am in the sun

00:40:06.260 --> 00:40:07.224 align:middle line:90%
or in the shadow.

00:40:07.224 --> 00:40:13.646 align:middle line:90%


00:40:13.646 --> 00:40:17.104 align:middle line:90%
[APPLAUSE]

00:40:17.104 --> 00:40:40.360 align:middle line:90%


00:40:40.360 --> 00:40:46.370 align:middle line:84%
This story is called
"The Time and Manner."

00:40:46.370 --> 00:40:56.920 align:middle line:84%
And this is my quote from
James Joyce, A Portrait

00:40:56.920 --> 00:40:59.376 align:middle line:90%
of the Artist as a Young Man.

00:40:59.376 --> 00:41:02.340 align:middle line:90%


00:41:02.340 --> 00:41:03.180 align:middle line:90%
"Death is certain.

00:41:03.180 --> 00:41:04.830 align:middle line:84%
The time and manner
are uncertain,

00:41:04.830 --> 00:41:07.950 align:middle line:84%
whether from long disease or
from some unexpected accident;

00:41:07.950 --> 00:41:12.340 align:middle line:84%
the Son of God cometh at an
hour when you little expect Him.

00:41:12.340 --> 00:41:14.590 align:middle line:84%
Be therefore ready every
moment, seeing that you

00:41:14.590 --> 00:41:16.214 align:middle line:90%
may die at any moment."

00:41:16.214 --> 00:41:27.150 align:middle line:90%


00:41:27.150 --> 00:41:29.160 align:middle line:84%
The zebra came out from
the shade of the trees

00:41:29.160 --> 00:41:31.440 align:middle line:84%
and onto the short
grass of the plain.

00:41:31.440 --> 00:41:33.630 align:middle line:84%
Sensing no danger, it
did not hurry, but rather

00:41:33.630 --> 00:41:36.180 align:middle line:84%
moved with deliberate ease,
like a sturdy horse crossing

00:41:36.180 --> 00:41:38.691 align:middle line:90%
a pasture to the trough.

00:41:38.691 --> 00:41:40.990 align:middle line:84%
In any animal there
is a majesty of being

00:41:40.990 --> 00:41:43.780 align:middle line:84%
within the encompassing dark
force of life and beauty,

00:41:43.780 --> 00:41:46.070 align:middle line:84%
and the zebra's hard,
black-and-white patterned body

00:41:46.070 --> 00:41:47.860 align:middle line:84%
stood out on that
immense plain the way

00:41:47.860 --> 00:41:50.350 align:middle line:84%
the bright plumage of a
bird might flash to the eye

00:41:50.350 --> 00:41:52.375 align:middle line:90%
from an exposed perch.

00:41:52.375 --> 00:41:54.770 align:middle line:84%
For miles around
nothing could be

00:41:54.770 --> 00:41:58.770 align:middle line:84%
seen except the grass, a few
trees, and the sweep of space.

00:41:58.770 --> 00:42:00.990 align:middle line:84%
The plain seemed empty
then, except for the zebra

00:42:00.990 --> 00:42:02.970 align:middle line:84%
and the two men who
crouched with their rifles

00:42:02.970 --> 00:42:04.050 align:middle line:90%
in a scrap of brush.

00:42:04.050 --> 00:42:08.640 align:middle line:90%


00:42:08.640 --> 00:42:10.770 align:middle line:84%
Through the hazy glass
of a cross-haired scope,

00:42:10.770 --> 00:42:13.270 align:middle line:84%
Elliott noticed that the zebra
looked different from the way

00:42:13.270 --> 00:42:15.050 align:middle line:90%
it did to the naked eye.

00:42:15.050 --> 00:42:16.510 align:middle line:84%
It was not just
the magnification.

00:42:16.510 --> 00:42:18.790 align:middle line:84%
The animal seemed
somehow more finite,

00:42:18.790 --> 00:42:21.250 align:middle line:84%
enclosed within that
circular black border which

00:42:21.250 --> 00:42:24.340 align:middle line:84%
blocked out the rest of
the plain from his vision.

00:42:24.340 --> 00:42:26.253 align:middle line:84%
Elliott squinted as
he gauged the shot.

00:42:26.253 --> 00:42:28.420 align:middle line:84%
Then, without lowering the
gun, he turned to the man

00:42:28.420 --> 00:42:29.960 align:middle line:90%
beside him.

00:42:29.960 --> 00:42:32.260 align:middle line:84%
They confronted each other
and in a silent question,

00:42:32.260 --> 00:42:33.940 align:middle line:84%
as though asking
for a final time

00:42:33.940 --> 00:42:36.340 align:middle line:84%
whether they wanted
to go through with it.

00:42:36.340 --> 00:42:39.215 align:middle line:84%
Bradley was a man of few
words-- he spoke with his eyes.

00:42:39.215 --> 00:42:41.590 align:middle line:84%
All the lines of his face
seemed to run to the sunken eye

00:42:41.590 --> 00:42:43.870 align:middle line:84%
pockets in which his
needle-sharp blue eyes were set

00:42:43.870 --> 00:42:46.620 align:middle line:90%
off against darkly tanned skin.

00:42:46.620 --> 00:42:49.453 align:middle line:84%
On this occasion he
said neither yes nor no.

00:42:49.453 --> 00:42:51.120 align:middle line:84%
Apparently he believed
that the decision

00:42:51.120 --> 00:42:53.940 align:middle line:84%
had been taken some time long
before in a back room in New

00:42:53.940 --> 00:42:55.050 align:middle line:90%
York.

00:42:55.050 --> 00:42:59.400 align:middle line:84%
Bradley turned away and looked
back out toward the plain.

00:42:59.400 --> 00:43:02.510 align:middle line:84%
Elliott peered again through the
scope, his excitement mounting.

00:43:02.510 --> 00:43:04.260 align:middle line:84%
The heat shimmered up
from the dry ground,

00:43:04.260 --> 00:43:06.572 align:middle line:84%
and there was no breeze
to carry a scent.

00:43:06.572 --> 00:43:08.280 align:middle line:84%
More than anything he
wanted to wipe away

00:43:08.280 --> 00:43:11.160 align:middle line:84%
the sweat that had suddenly
risen on his forehead,

00:43:11.160 --> 00:43:13.956 align:middle line:84%
but he could not
risk the movement.

00:43:13.956 --> 00:43:16.500 align:middle line:90%
It seemed like a fine specimen.

00:43:16.500 --> 00:43:18.682 align:middle line:84%
Elliott used that
word in his mind.

00:43:18.682 --> 00:43:20.640 align:middle line:84%
And after coming all the
way from there to here

00:43:20.640 --> 00:43:22.557 align:middle line:84%
how could he be expected
to do other than what

00:43:22.557 --> 00:43:24.440 align:middle line:90%
he had come to do?

00:43:24.440 --> 00:43:27.743 align:middle line:84%
The zebra's magnified
body rippled in the heat.

00:43:27.743 --> 00:43:28.910 align:middle line:90%
They had come for the money.

00:43:28.910 --> 00:43:32.305 align:middle line:90%


00:43:32.305 --> 00:43:34.020 align:middle line:90%
A single report.

00:43:34.020 --> 00:43:35.472 align:middle line:84%
Even before he
lowered the rifle,

00:43:35.472 --> 00:43:36.930 align:middle line:84%
Elliott could see
the blood flowing

00:43:36.930 --> 00:43:38.370 align:middle line:90%
from the wound in the neck.

00:43:38.370 --> 00:43:40.500 align:middle line:84%
Behind the zebra, other
animals he had not noticed

00:43:40.500 --> 00:43:43.080 align:middle line:84%
began to run, bounding
white-assed toward the hills

00:43:43.080 --> 00:43:45.330 align:middle line:84%
or back to the east
toward the trees.

00:43:45.330 --> 00:43:49.440 align:middle line:84%
The zebra would have run,
too, but it could not run now.

00:43:49.440 --> 00:43:51.270 align:middle line:84%
It seemed riveted
there, wanting to run,

00:43:51.270 --> 00:43:54.510 align:middle line:84%
but staring in mindless
terror as if knowing it

00:43:54.510 --> 00:43:57.750 align:middle line:84%
must face the enemy on
behalf of the others.

00:43:57.750 --> 00:43:59.490 align:middle line:84%
Bradley came up
out of the brush.

00:43:59.490 --> 00:44:01.782 align:middle line:84%
He hadn't liked the business
from the beginning and now

00:44:01.782 --> 00:44:03.510 align:middle line:84%
that it had started
in earnest, he

00:44:03.510 --> 00:44:06.220 align:middle line:84%
seemed to want to get
it over with quickly.

00:44:06.220 --> 00:44:08.910 align:middle line:84%
Elliott stood up, too, and
wiped the sweat from his face.

00:44:08.910 --> 00:44:10.680 align:middle line:84%
The shot had been
good; there was

00:44:10.680 --> 00:44:13.380 align:middle line:84%
nothing to be tracked farther,
and he was glad of that.

00:44:13.380 --> 00:44:17.460 align:middle line:84%
He didn't know whether
Bradley could have taken it.

00:44:17.460 --> 00:44:20.485 align:middle line:84%
He put the rifle down beside
his pack and came out.

00:44:20.485 --> 00:44:22.110 align:middle line:84%
The zebra tottered
and lurched forward,

00:44:22.110 --> 00:44:24.840 align:middle line:84%
going down on its forelegs
and coughing blood.

00:44:24.840 --> 00:44:27.540 align:middle line:84%
Elliott watched Bradley start
to run across the dusty ground

00:44:27.540 --> 00:44:29.070 align:middle line:90%
to the animal.

00:44:29.070 --> 00:44:31.337 align:middle line:84%
He didn't know
what the hurry was.

00:44:31.337 --> 00:44:33.420 align:middle line:84%
From the beginning it had
been a a simple business

00:44:33.420 --> 00:44:36.510 align:middle line:84%
deal, negotiated in various
offices in New York.

00:44:36.510 --> 00:44:38.940 align:middle line:84%
Elliott had been sent
to bring back skins.

00:44:38.940 --> 00:44:41.100 align:middle line:84%
Bradley had come in
later, in Nairobi,

00:44:41.100 --> 00:44:44.040 align:middle line:84%
because he supposedly knew
the country and the way

00:44:44.040 --> 00:44:45.810 align:middle line:90%
the wardens worked.

00:44:45.810 --> 00:44:48.180 align:middle line:84%
"He's been in a war," Bradley
said, when Elliott finally

00:44:48.180 --> 00:44:50.295 align:middle line:90%
got to the animal.

00:44:50.295 --> 00:44:53.010 align:middle line:84%
The hide was full of nicks
and cuts, little gouges

00:44:53.010 --> 00:44:55.680 align:middle line:84%
that Elliott had not been
able to see through the scope.

00:44:55.680 --> 00:44:57.660 align:middle line:84%
Across the side of the
face was a bad scar,

00:44:57.660 --> 00:44:59.160 align:middle line:84%
a bleached-out patch
of flaking skin

00:44:59.160 --> 00:45:02.310 align:middle line:84%
about two inches wide, extending
from just below the eye

00:45:02.310 --> 00:45:04.920 align:middle line:90%
to the bridge of the nose.

00:45:04.920 --> 00:45:07.780 align:middle line:84%
Elliott had not
seen that either.

00:45:07.780 --> 00:45:10.420 align:middle line:84%
It had been on the zebra's dark
side, the side of the moon that

00:45:10.420 --> 00:45:12.220 align:middle line:90%
was never visible.

00:45:12.220 --> 00:45:13.870 align:middle line:84%
That kind of scar
on the face of a man

00:45:13.870 --> 00:45:16.960 align:middle line:84%
would have ruined
the man's life.

00:45:16.960 --> 00:45:18.630 align:middle line:90%
"He'll be all right."

00:45:18.630 --> 00:45:20.050 align:middle line:84%
Bradley held out
the heavy knife.

00:45:20.050 --> 00:45:21.580 align:middle line:90%
"You want to work on him?"

00:45:21.580 --> 00:45:23.920 align:middle line:84%
Elliott took the knife
almost as a reaction.

00:45:23.920 --> 00:45:25.780 align:middle line:90%
"Because I shot?" he asked.

00:45:25.780 --> 00:45:27.805 align:middle line:84%
"You know how,"
Bradley answered.

00:45:27.805 --> 00:45:30.640 align:middle line:90%
He didn't want to argue.

00:45:30.640 --> 00:45:32.110 align:middle line:84%
Elliott bent down
and dug the knife

00:45:32.110 --> 00:45:33.818 align:middle line:84%
into the hide at the
neck, broke through,

00:45:33.818 --> 00:45:35.200 align:middle line:90%
and started to slit the belly.

00:45:35.200 --> 00:45:37.600 align:middle line:84%
He tried not to go too
deep so the blood would not

00:45:37.600 --> 00:45:39.100 align:middle line:90%
get on the hide.

00:45:39.100 --> 00:45:41.110 align:middle line:84%
"You can pull back as I
work," Elliott told him.

00:45:41.110 --> 00:45:43.873 align:middle line:84%
"Hold on and pull
toward the backbone."

00:45:43.873 --> 00:45:45.790 align:middle line:84%
Bradley's hands were
shaking as he leaned down

00:45:45.790 --> 00:45:46.990 align:middle line:90%
over the carcass.

00:45:46.990 --> 00:45:49.060 align:middle line:90%
Elliott smiled.

00:45:49.060 --> 00:45:50.768 align:middle line:84%
Bradley wasn't used
to death, he thought.

00:45:50.768 --> 00:45:53.018 align:middle line:84%
The tracking and the waiting
had been worth the moment

00:45:53.018 --> 00:45:55.150 align:middle line:84%
that Bradley had to get
down over the open carcass

00:45:55.150 --> 00:45:57.280 align:middle line:90%
and smell the warm insides.

00:45:57.280 --> 00:45:59.680 align:middle line:84%
All those expressionless
hours camping on the reserve,

00:45:59.680 --> 00:46:01.880 align:middle line:84%
holding back every
detail of his own life

00:46:01.880 --> 00:46:03.850 align:middle line:84%
while Elliott talked
to the fire about what

00:46:03.850 --> 00:46:06.700 align:middle line:84%
he'd been doing to raise
enough money to get along.

00:46:06.700 --> 00:46:08.890 align:middle line:84%
Bradley could have cased
a bank, Elliott thought,

00:46:08.890 --> 00:46:11.230 align:middle line:84%
but the act itself--
that was another matter.

00:46:11.230 --> 00:46:12.610 align:middle line:90%
He wouldn't shoot.

00:46:12.610 --> 00:46:13.570 align:middle line:90%
Elliott had to do that.

00:46:13.570 --> 00:46:16.840 align:middle line:90%
And now he wouldn't skin.

00:46:16.840 --> 00:46:19.180 align:middle line:84%
Elliott cut slowly,
drawing out the time.

00:46:19.180 --> 00:46:21.730 align:middle line:84%
He knew the shot had made
noise and that you can never

00:46:21.730 --> 00:46:23.223 align:middle line:90%
tell who might be in the area.

00:46:23.223 --> 00:46:24.890 align:middle line:84%
But they had scouted
the whole district,

00:46:24.890 --> 00:46:27.070 align:middle line:84%
and for cover they had
good cameras in the packs,

00:46:27.070 --> 00:46:29.050 align:middle line:90%
if they were needed.

00:46:29.050 --> 00:46:32.360 align:middle line:84%
Elliott wasn't
nervous about time.

00:46:32.360 --> 00:46:34.790 align:middle line:84%
"Just hold the thing
back," Elliott ordered.

00:46:34.790 --> 00:46:38.210 align:middle line:84%
He cut in expert strokes at the
membrane just between the skin

00:46:38.210 --> 00:46:40.445 align:middle line:84%
and the underlying
layer of fat and muscle.

00:46:40.445 --> 00:46:42.230 align:middle line:90%
He knew his work.

00:46:42.230 --> 00:46:45.270 align:middle line:84%
Until a few years before he had
guided for trophies in Canada.

00:46:45.270 --> 00:46:50.840 align:middle line:84%
Some bad things had got
around, [AUDIO OUT] layer

00:46:50.840 --> 00:46:52.025 align:middle line:90%
of fat and muscle.

00:46:52.025 --> 00:46:53.840 align:middle line:90%
He knew his work.

00:46:53.840 --> 00:46:56.760 align:middle line:84%
Until a few years before he had
guided for trophies in Canada.

00:46:56.760 --> 00:46:58.760 align:middle line:84%
Some bad things had got
around, and those things

00:46:58.760 --> 00:47:00.530 align:middle line:90%
had ruined his references.

00:47:00.530 --> 00:47:03.500 align:middle line:84%
The business had dissipated
almost overnight.

00:47:03.500 --> 00:47:06.770 align:middle line:84%
In a messy affair he'd lost his
license, and he was through.

00:47:06.770 --> 00:47:09.914 align:middle line:90%
But now he had a new calling.

00:47:09.914 --> 00:47:12.270 align:middle line:84%
He worked in silence
until the job was done.

00:47:12.270 --> 00:47:14.447 align:middle line:84%
The zebra's carcass was
a mass of fat and blood,

00:47:14.447 --> 00:47:16.280 align:middle line:84%
and without the pattern
black-and-white hide

00:47:16.280 --> 00:47:19.070 align:middle line:90%
the animal seemed nameless.

00:47:19.070 --> 00:47:21.590 align:middle line:84%
Elliott stood up and stuffed
the hide into a plastic bag

00:47:21.590 --> 00:47:23.170 align:middle line:90%
and handed it to Bradley.

00:47:23.170 --> 00:47:25.550 align:middle line:84%
The plain had been
wiped clean of life now,

00:47:25.550 --> 00:47:27.740 align:middle line:90%
and the sky seemed low and even.

00:47:27.740 --> 00:47:30.270 align:middle line:84%
Both land and sky were empty
all the way to the low rising

00:47:30.270 --> 00:47:31.205 align:middle line:90%
hills in the distance.

00:47:31.205 --> 00:47:34.680 align:middle line:90%


00:47:34.680 --> 00:47:36.450 align:middle line:84%
Elliott wiped his face
on a handkerchief.

00:47:36.450 --> 00:47:38.242 align:middle line:84%
He had worked hard and
there was still more

00:47:38.242 --> 00:47:40.985 align:middle line:84%
to do once they got
back to the Rover.

00:47:40.985 --> 00:47:43.110 align:middle line:84%
They had to scrape the fat
and put a solution on it

00:47:43.110 --> 00:47:45.240 align:middle line:84%
so that it wouldn't
rot or harden up.

00:47:45.240 --> 00:47:47.460 align:middle line:90%
Bradley could do that.

00:47:47.460 --> 00:47:50.367 align:middle line:84%
They walked back to the brush
and got the rifles and packs.

00:47:50.367 --> 00:47:52.200 align:middle line:84%
Bradley still had that
nervousness about him

00:47:52.200 --> 00:47:54.290 align:middle line:90%
and hurried to collect things.

00:47:54.290 --> 00:47:56.890 align:middle line:84%
Elliott took a drink of whiskey
and washed it down with water

00:47:56.890 --> 00:47:57.960 align:middle line:90%
from the canteen.

00:47:57.960 --> 00:48:01.120 align:middle line:84%
"It's all him Elliott told
him, offering the whiskey.

00:48:01.120 --> 00:48:03.745 align:middle line:90%
Bradley refused.

00:48:03.745 --> 00:48:05.620 align:middle line:84%
They had left the Rover
about two miles back,

00:48:05.620 --> 00:48:07.910 align:middle line:84%
farther than Elliott
had thought reasonable.

00:48:07.910 --> 00:48:10.660 align:middle line:84%
But he had wanted
to avoid arguments.

00:48:10.660 --> 00:48:12.370 align:middle line:90%
Now they had to walk back.

00:48:12.370 --> 00:48:14.530 align:middle line:84%
It was just after
4:00 in the afternoon,

00:48:14.530 --> 00:48:17.237 align:middle line:90%
still plenty of light.

00:48:17.237 --> 00:48:19.570 align:middle line:84%
It took only a few minutes
to get back through the brush

00:48:19.570 --> 00:48:21.695 align:middle line:84%
and begin climbing the open
part of the gully which

00:48:21.695 --> 00:48:24.250 align:middle line:90%
led to the ridge.

00:48:24.250 --> 00:48:25.840 align:middle line:90%
Bradley went first.

00:48:25.840 --> 00:48:27.925 align:middle line:84%
He had an awkward way
of walking on the slope,

00:48:27.925 --> 00:48:29.800 align:middle line:84%
as though he were pulling
his legs behind him

00:48:29.800 --> 00:48:31.450 align:middle line:90%
rather than stepping.

00:48:31.450 --> 00:48:34.000 align:middle line:84%
His pace was more
rapid now than it

00:48:34.000 --> 00:48:36.720 align:middle line:90%
had been when they came down.

00:48:36.720 --> 00:48:40.270 align:middle line:84%
Elliott watched him and
decided to say nothing.

00:48:40.270 --> 00:48:42.570 align:middle line:84%
About halfway up the
hill Bradley stopped.

00:48:42.570 --> 00:48:44.650 align:middle line:90%
Elliott was ready to rest.

00:48:44.650 --> 00:48:47.358 align:middle line:84%
He took another
shot of the whiskey.

00:48:47.358 --> 00:48:49.150 align:middle line:84%
Bradley was looking
back toward the carcass

00:48:49.150 --> 00:48:52.690 align:middle line:84%
lying abandoned in the
slanting rays of the sun.

00:48:52.690 --> 00:48:54.910 align:middle line:84%
It seemed small now from
their height and distance

00:48:54.910 --> 00:48:58.210 align:middle line:84%
for the huge, empty
plain surrounding it.

00:48:58.210 --> 00:49:00.670 align:middle line:84%
Then suddenly Bradley
raised his arm and pointed.

00:49:00.670 --> 00:49:03.340 align:middle line:90%


00:49:03.340 --> 00:49:05.950 align:middle line:84%
Elliott followed the
upraised arm but saw nothing.

00:49:05.950 --> 00:49:07.473 align:middle line:90%
Bradley hadn't moved.

00:49:07.473 --> 00:49:09.640 align:middle line:84%
With his head lifted, and
his face was as motionless

00:49:09.640 --> 00:49:11.500 align:middle line:90%
as Elliott had ever seen it.

00:49:11.500 --> 00:49:13.216 align:middle line:90%
"What is it?"

00:49:13.216 --> 00:49:16.455 align:middle line:84%
But just as he asked the
question, he saw it himself.

00:49:16.455 --> 00:49:19.870 align:middle line:84%
In the endless blue waste
a black speck floated--

00:49:19.870 --> 00:49:22.240 align:middle line:84%
like a piece of dust
caught close in a room

00:49:22.240 --> 00:49:24.025 align:middle line:90%
or like an insect whirling.

00:49:24.025 --> 00:49:26.420 align:middle line:90%
It depended upon the distance.

00:49:26.420 --> 00:49:28.620 align:middle line:84%
But this speck was
high up, the distance

00:49:28.620 --> 00:49:32.010 align:middle line:84%
measured only by its
being nearly invisible.

00:49:32.010 --> 00:49:34.666 align:middle line:84%
Elliott raised the rifle
and focused the scope.

00:49:34.666 --> 00:49:37.381 align:middle line:84%
The zebra had not been
dead over 40 minutes.

00:49:37.381 --> 00:49:40.990 align:middle line:90%


00:49:40.990 --> 00:49:42.340 align:middle line:90%
Elliott lowered the rifle again.

00:49:42.340 --> 00:49:43.490 align:middle line:90%
The black multiplied.

00:49:43.490 --> 00:49:45.100 align:middle line:90%
Three, four of them.

00:49:45.100 --> 00:49:47.530 align:middle line:84%
They were distinct shapes
now, with wings angled back,

00:49:47.530 --> 00:49:49.520 align:middle line:90%
gliding in a direct line.

00:49:49.520 --> 00:49:50.680 align:middle line:90%
Elliott turned full circle.

00:49:50.680 --> 00:49:53.050 align:middle line:84%
He knew this was what
happened at death,

00:49:53.050 --> 00:49:56.456 align:middle line:84%
but he had never thought
how they came in.

00:49:56.456 --> 00:50:00.980 align:middle line:84%
He had thought they always
circled for a long time,

00:50:00.980 --> 00:50:03.136 align:middle line:90%
waiting perhaps for the rot.

00:50:03.136 --> 00:50:05.900 align:middle line:84%
But they were coming straight
in across the open plain.

00:50:05.900 --> 00:50:08.460 align:middle line:90%


00:50:08.460 --> 00:50:11.220 align:middle line:84%
Deaths in families and accidents
he read about in the newspapers

00:50:11.220 --> 00:50:13.650 align:middle line:90%
never allowed for vultures.

00:50:13.650 --> 00:50:16.230 align:middle line:84%
He thought more of antiseptics
and had a certain detachment

00:50:16.230 --> 00:50:18.130 align:middle line:90%
of death from his own life.

00:50:18.130 --> 00:50:19.950 align:middle line:90%
He imagined embalming.

00:50:19.950 --> 00:50:21.850 align:middle line:84%
And even in Canada
when he was a guide

00:50:21.850 --> 00:50:24.930 align:middle line:84%
there had never been the
tainted quality about death.

00:50:24.930 --> 00:50:26.190 align:middle line:90%
No spoilage.

00:50:26.190 --> 00:50:29.858 align:middle line:84%
When he shot he had always
been hidden in the trees

00:50:29.858 --> 00:50:32.150 align:middle line:84%
or in the crags of rocks,
and they brought in the meat.

00:50:32.150 --> 00:50:33.720 align:middle line:90%
People

00:50:33.720 --> 00:50:37.230 align:middle line:84%
Bradley turned back to
the trail and started up.

00:50:37.230 --> 00:50:39.000 align:middle line:90%
"Wait a minute."

00:50:39.000 --> 00:50:42.270 align:middle line:84%
Elliott took out his canteen,
poured water over his hand,

00:50:42.270 --> 00:50:43.200 align:middle line:90%
and wiped his face.

00:50:43.200 --> 00:50:43.950 align:middle line:90%
"I want to watch."

00:50:43.950 --> 00:50:47.292 align:middle line:84%
"Go ahead and
watch," Bradley said.

00:50:47.292 --> 00:50:48.780 align:middle line:90%
"Don't you?"

00:50:48.780 --> 00:50:50.100 align:middle line:90%
"No."

00:50:50.100 --> 00:50:52.890 align:middle line:84%
Bradley went on a short
distance and then stopped again.

00:50:52.890 --> 00:50:55.830 align:middle line:90%
"We have the work to do."

00:50:55.830 --> 00:50:57.000 align:middle line:90%
Elliott felt the anger rise.

00:50:57.000 --> 00:50:58.333 align:middle line:90%
"You do some of it!" he shouted.

00:50:58.333 --> 00:50:59.310 align:middle line:90%
"That will be a change.

00:50:59.310 --> 00:51:01.230 align:middle line:90%
Get the hide cleaned up."

00:51:01.230 --> 00:51:02.755 align:middle line:90%
He had not wanted to argue.

00:51:02.755 --> 00:51:05.130 align:middle line:84%
That was always the first rule
when you were in business.

00:51:05.130 --> 00:51:07.350 align:middle line:84%
That was always the first rule
when you were in business.

00:51:07.350 --> 00:51:08.808 align:middle line:84%
Bradley had been
good for what they

00:51:08.808 --> 00:51:10.980 align:middle line:90%
had told him to do in New York.

00:51:10.980 --> 00:51:13.260 align:middle line:84%
He knew the country and
how to avoid the wardens.

00:51:13.260 --> 00:51:17.680 align:middle line:84%
But he was too
cautious; too silent.

00:51:17.680 --> 00:51:20.940 align:middle line:84%
Elliott considered whether
he should go back anyway.

00:51:20.940 --> 00:51:23.910 align:middle line:84%
Finally he said,
"I won't be long."

00:51:23.910 --> 00:51:26.100 align:middle line:90%
Bradley went on without a word.

00:51:26.100 --> 00:51:27.600 align:middle line:84%
Elliott watched his
awkward climbing

00:51:27.600 --> 00:51:28.530 align:middle line:90%
to the crest of the hill.

00:51:28.530 --> 00:51:30.572 align:middle line:84%
Then he disappeared beyond
the brown dusty curve.

00:51:30.572 --> 00:51:33.740 align:middle line:90%


00:51:33.740 --> 00:51:36.770 align:middle line:84%
Elliott felt a vague sense
of disquiet being alone.

00:51:36.770 --> 00:51:38.690 align:middle line:84%
Not that there was
any particular danger.

00:51:38.690 --> 00:51:39.950 align:middle line:90%
He had the rifle.

00:51:39.950 --> 00:51:41.900 align:middle line:90%
He could not get lost.

00:51:41.900 --> 00:51:44.660 align:middle line:84%
But he had never been upon
such a strange, immense expanse

00:51:44.660 --> 00:51:49.145 align:middle line:84%
of land before; he did not
like the emptiness of it.

00:51:49.145 --> 00:51:51.770 align:middle line:84%
He turned his attention quickly
back downward toward the plain.

00:51:51.770 --> 00:51:53.187 align:middle line:84%
The lands seemed
to darken, moving

00:51:53.187 --> 00:51:55.010 align:middle line:90%
with the shadows of the birds.

00:51:55.010 --> 00:51:57.800 align:middle line:84%
Elliott tried to count but
already there were too many.

00:51:57.800 --> 00:51:59.600 align:middle line:84%
They soared in now
from every direction.

00:51:59.600 --> 00:52:02.540 align:middle line:84%
The first of them circled
in a close, tight ring

00:52:02.540 --> 00:52:06.791 align:middle line:84%
to test for danger,
and began to come down.

00:52:06.791 --> 00:52:09.277 align:middle line:84%
It was the silence which
began to get to him.

00:52:09.277 --> 00:52:12.690 align:middle line:90%


00:52:12.690 --> 00:52:15.000 align:middle line:84%
He wondered how these
scavengers communicated-- was it

00:52:15.000 --> 00:52:17.880 align:middle line:84%
by eyesight alone or
by the scent of death?

00:52:17.880 --> 00:52:20.430 align:middle line:84%
Did one vulture spot the
carcass and his honing in on it

00:52:20.430 --> 00:52:22.170 align:middle line:84%
alert the rest of
them to the discovery?

00:52:22.170 --> 00:52:25.460 align:middle line:90%


00:52:25.460 --> 00:52:26.823 align:middle line:90%
There was no shade.

00:52:26.823 --> 00:52:28.490 align:middle line:84%
The whole plain
stretched out before him

00:52:28.490 --> 00:52:31.100 align:middle line:84%
in broad bands of
browns and yellows.

00:52:31.100 --> 00:52:35.240 align:middle line:84%
Even the trees were dust-covered
and a hard, dry green.

00:52:35.240 --> 00:52:36.990 align:middle line:84%
A couple of vultures
dropped to the ground

00:52:36.990 --> 00:52:40.562 align:middle line:84%
next to the carcass, their huge
wings easing them down quietly.

00:52:40.562 --> 00:52:42.770 align:middle line:84%
The first of the birds that
touched the ground nearly

00:52:42.770 --> 00:52:45.290 align:middle line:90%
made him sick.

00:52:45.290 --> 00:52:47.450 align:middle line:84%
After the first, the
others came more rapidly.

00:52:47.450 --> 00:52:49.430 align:middle line:84%
They no longer made
the short circles,

00:52:49.430 --> 00:52:52.310 align:middle line:84%
but rather came sweeping
in directly in a dive.

00:52:52.310 --> 00:52:54.000 align:middle line:84%
The first birds went
into the carcass

00:52:54.000 --> 00:52:56.787 align:middle line:84%
through the anus,
the softest part.

00:52:56.787 --> 00:52:59.120 align:middle line:84%
The great hooked beaks tore
into the bowels of the zebra

00:52:59.120 --> 00:53:01.495 align:middle line:84%
and ripped out the intestines,
which curled from the body

00:53:01.495 --> 00:53:03.290 align:middle line:90%
like an tight white hose.

00:53:03.290 --> 00:53:04.700 align:middle line:90%
Other birds fought for pieces.

00:53:04.700 --> 00:53:06.080 align:middle line:84%
There was simply
not enough space

00:53:06.080 --> 00:53:08.565 align:middle line:90%
at the carcass for so many.

00:53:08.565 --> 00:53:10.190 align:middle line:84%
But with the hide
taken, it was easier.

00:53:10.190 --> 00:53:12.860 align:middle line:84%
Within a few minutes the
birds had shredded the flesh.

00:53:12.860 --> 00:53:15.350 align:middle line:84%
Small fights were constant,
and even small bits of meat

00:53:15.350 --> 00:53:17.540 align:middle line:84%
were prizes which had to
be won again and again.

00:53:17.540 --> 00:53:22.380 align:middle line:90%


00:53:22.380 --> 00:53:24.090 align:middle line:84%
Elliott felt all of
this run through him,

00:53:24.090 --> 00:53:26.505 align:middle line:84%
settle in upon his mind in
a slowly building terror.

00:53:26.505 --> 00:53:29.540 align:middle line:90%


00:53:29.540 --> 00:53:31.910 align:middle line:84%
This body was disintegrating
before his eyes,

00:53:31.910 --> 00:53:33.765 align:middle line:90%
pulled apart and consumed.

00:53:33.765 --> 00:53:36.140 align:middle line:84%
What frightened him was the
feeling of being dead and not

00:53:36.140 --> 00:53:38.390 align:middle line:84%
knowing what was
happening to your flesh.

00:53:38.390 --> 00:53:40.940 align:middle line:84%
He imagined what he
knew impossible-- being

00:53:40.940 --> 00:53:47.330 align:middle line:84%
dead and still sensing the sharp
jabs of beaks into his skin.

00:53:47.330 --> 00:53:51.010 align:middle line:84%
He lay there unmoving
beneath the plague.

00:53:51.010 --> 00:53:54.422 align:middle line:84%
Then all at once, when could not
stand the sensation any longer,

00:53:54.422 --> 00:53:56.505 align:middle line:84%
he pointed the rifle toward
the carcass and fired.

00:53:56.505 --> 00:53:59.500 align:middle line:90%


00:53:59.500 --> 00:54:02.923 align:middle line:84%
The vultures exploded into the
air like a mass of black paper.

00:54:02.923 --> 00:54:04.840 align:middle line:84%
he saw right away that
he had hit one of them,

00:54:04.840 --> 00:54:05.560 align:middle line:90%
had wounded it.

00:54:05.560 --> 00:54:09.280 align:middle line:84%
It ran in circles, fluttering
a huge extended wing.

00:54:09.280 --> 00:54:11.950 align:middle line:84%
The rest did not move
high or very far.

00:54:11.950 --> 00:54:15.198 align:middle line:84%
Several went into the low
dead limbs of a nearby snag.

00:54:15.198 --> 00:54:16.990 align:middle line:84%
Some simply raised
themselves into the air,

00:54:16.990 --> 00:54:19.390 align:middle line:84%
like a man's standing up
to rest from bending over,

00:54:19.390 --> 00:54:21.590 align:middle line:84%
and then settled
back down again.

00:54:21.590 --> 00:54:25.050 align:middle line:84%
Elliott wondered-- did
vultures eat vultures?

00:54:25.050 --> 00:54:29.650 align:middle line:84%
He aimed, this time
carefully, and fired again.

00:54:29.650 --> 00:54:32.860 align:middle line:84%
The sun did not let up, even
though the light was easing.

00:54:32.860 --> 00:54:35.270 align:middle line:90%
Sweat kept coming.

00:54:35.270 --> 00:54:38.400 align:middle line:90%
He was entranced, shocked.

00:54:38.400 --> 00:54:41.170 align:middle line:84%
The vultures hissed and
struggled over the dead bird,

00:54:41.170 --> 00:54:43.360 align:middle line:84%
just as they continued to
do over the zebra carcass,

00:54:43.360 --> 00:54:45.333 align:middle line:84%
mindless of the threat
that he wielded.

00:54:45.333 --> 00:54:47.250 align:middle line:84%
He fired another shot
into the air above them,

00:54:47.250 --> 00:54:49.320 align:middle line:84%
but the vultures
did not scatter.

00:54:49.320 --> 00:54:51.090 align:middle line:84%
Their giant wings
flapping for leverage,

00:54:51.090 --> 00:54:53.860 align:middle line:84%
they continued to
pull at the body.

00:54:53.860 --> 00:54:54.850 align:middle line:90%
He stood up in panic.

00:54:54.850 --> 00:54:56.950 align:middle line:84%
Something in him had
build up and exploded,

00:54:56.950 --> 00:54:59.093 align:middle line:84%
and he dropped the rifle
and ran forward screaming.

00:54:59.093 --> 00:55:00.760 align:middle line:84%
There was a sudden
lull and the vultures

00:55:00.760 --> 00:55:02.593 align:middle line:84%
seemed to hesitate for
a moment, as if alert

00:55:02.593 --> 00:55:05.368 align:middle line:90%
to some possible new danger.

00:55:05.368 --> 00:55:06.910 align:middle line:84%
Elliott let his
weight carry him down

00:55:06.910 --> 00:55:08.080 align:middle line:90%
the slope toward the gully.

00:55:08.080 --> 00:55:12.097 align:middle line:84%
He waved his arms wildly
and kept screaming.

00:55:12.097 --> 00:55:13.930 align:middle line:84%
A few of the vultures
flew up, but only when

00:55:13.930 --> 00:55:16.840 align:middle line:84%
he came crashing forward
from the brush in the gully

00:55:16.840 --> 00:55:19.300 align:middle line:84%
did they seem to
know he was there.

00:55:19.300 --> 00:55:21.580 align:middle line:84%
He lunged forward in the
heat across the dusty ground,

00:55:21.580 --> 00:55:24.040 align:middle line:84%
panting and screaming
in a hoarse voice.

00:55:24.040 --> 00:55:26.950 align:middle line:90%
The vultures finally scattered.

00:55:26.950 --> 00:55:29.860 align:middle line:84%
They ran and took off in labored
flight, heavy from eating.

00:55:29.860 --> 00:55:33.100 align:middle line:84%
Some of them could only
bound a short distance away.

00:55:33.100 --> 00:55:35.290 align:middle line:84%
Elliott reeled forward
and fell onto the zebra's

00:55:35.290 --> 00:55:36.070 align:middle line:90%
mutilated carcass.

00:55:36.070 --> 00:55:40.280 align:middle line:90%


00:55:40.280 --> 00:55:41.690 align:middle line:90%
Slowly he came to his senses.

00:55:41.690 --> 00:55:45.000 align:middle line:84%
He did not understand what
had made him go crazy.

00:55:45.000 --> 00:55:46.920 align:middle line:84%
Against the still
soft, bloody flesh

00:55:46.920 --> 00:55:48.750 align:middle line:84%
he could not believe that
he had come all the way back

00:55:48.750 --> 00:55:51.150 align:middle line:84%
down that hill and was
clutching the torn body the way

00:55:51.150 --> 00:55:53.160 align:middle line:84%
a woman might grasp the
body of her dead child.

00:55:53.160 --> 00:55:56.370 align:middle line:90%


00:55:56.370 --> 00:55:58.508 align:middle line:84%
Slowly he turned, half
expecting to see Bradley

00:55:58.508 --> 00:55:59.550 align:middle line:90%
at the crest of the hill.

00:55:59.550 --> 00:56:02.130 align:middle line:84%
He must have heard the
shots and started back.

00:56:02.130 --> 00:56:04.210 align:middle line:84%
But the ridge was still
the same simple curve

00:56:04.210 --> 00:56:07.722 align:middle line:90%
of brown bounded by blue.

00:56:07.722 --> 00:56:09.180 align:middle line:84%
The heat sifted
through his clothes

00:56:09.180 --> 00:56:11.555 align:middle line:84%
the way dust came through the
closed windows of the Rover

00:56:11.555 --> 00:56:13.957 align:middle line:84%
as they drove it over
the powder roads.

00:56:13.957 --> 00:56:15.915 align:middle line:84%
The vultures eyed him
from perches in the trees

00:56:15.915 --> 00:56:17.640 align:middle line:90%
and from the ground.

00:56:17.640 --> 00:56:20.745 align:middle line:90%
He had left the rifle.

00:56:20.745 --> 00:56:23.025 align:middle line:84%
He tried to figure out
how to save what was left.

00:56:23.025 --> 00:56:26.130 align:middle line:84%
He couldn't take any of
the meat back with him,

00:56:26.130 --> 00:56:27.630 align:middle line:90%
and he couldn't stay.

00:56:27.630 --> 00:56:30.480 align:middle line:84%
He had to get back himself and
help Bradley with the skin.

00:56:30.480 --> 00:56:32.070 align:middle line:84%
And even if he'd
had the rifle, it

00:56:32.070 --> 00:56:34.112 align:middle line:84%
was pointless to shoot
the vultures because there

00:56:34.112 --> 00:56:35.220 align:middle line:90%
were hundreds, thousands.

00:56:35.220 --> 00:56:38.990 align:middle line:84%
He looked carefully at
what was left of the zebra.

00:56:38.990 --> 00:56:40.800 align:middle line:90%
They had started a good job.

00:56:40.800 --> 00:56:43.830 align:middle line:84%
The innards were gone and the
neck, where the wound had been,

00:56:43.830 --> 00:56:45.350 align:middle line:90%
was eaten away to the bone.

00:56:45.350 --> 00:56:48.780 align:middle line:84%
The great scar on
the now eyeless face

00:56:48.780 --> 00:56:50.693 align:middle line:90%
was obliterated by blood.

00:56:50.693 --> 00:56:52.110 align:middle line:84%
He thought of
burying the carcass,

00:56:52.110 --> 00:56:54.960 align:middle line:84%
but beneath the dust
was hard-baked ground.

00:56:54.960 --> 00:56:57.930 align:middle line:84%
Pouring loose dirt over
the blood would do nothing.

00:56:57.930 --> 00:57:02.046 align:middle line:84%
He wiped his forehead
clear of dirt and sweat.

00:57:02.046 --> 00:57:05.430 align:middle line:84%
It was within the order of
things that other animals ate.

00:57:05.430 --> 00:57:08.940 align:middle line:84%
He understood that in the wild,
one animal fed upon another.

00:57:08.940 --> 00:57:11.995 align:middle line:84%
But he could not comprehend
the chaotic condition of life.

00:57:11.995 --> 00:57:15.120 align:middle line:84%
He had never before seen the
randomness and viciousness

00:57:15.120 --> 00:57:17.610 align:middle line:84%
that one form of life
wrought upon another

00:57:17.610 --> 00:57:20.100 align:middle line:90%
or upon its own kind.

00:57:20.100 --> 00:57:22.590 align:middle line:84%
He tried to imagine
how it feels to be

00:57:22.590 --> 00:57:24.780 align:middle line:90%
intelligent and defenseless.

00:57:24.780 --> 00:57:27.375 align:middle line:84%
The soft, blood-red carcass
beneath him distracted him.

00:57:27.375 --> 00:57:31.350 align:middle line:84%
He tried to imagine,
then, the way he

00:57:31.350 --> 00:57:34.260 align:middle line:90%
most did not want to die.

00:57:34.260 --> 00:57:37.265 align:middle line:84%
He had considered it
before, but never deeply.

00:57:37.265 --> 00:57:38.640 align:middle line:84%
Now he thought of
various deaths,

00:57:38.640 --> 00:57:41.162 align:middle line:90%
but always came back to one--

00:57:41.162 --> 00:57:43.620 align:middle line:84%
he did not want to be shot in
the head while he was asleep.

00:57:43.620 --> 00:57:47.200 align:middle line:90%


00:57:47.200 --> 00:57:49.420 align:middle line:84%
He would probably die
in bed of old age.

00:57:49.420 --> 00:57:52.270 align:middle line:84%
Someone would take him to
the morgue in some big city.

00:57:52.270 --> 00:57:54.520 align:middle line:84%
At least he would not be put
onto the plain for dying,

00:57:54.520 --> 00:57:57.058 align:middle line:90%
his body torn apart by vultures.

00:57:57.058 --> 00:57:59.350 align:middle line:84%
He tried to imagine what
would happen after the morgue,

00:57:59.350 --> 00:58:00.920 align:middle line:90%
but nothing came to him.

00:58:00.920 --> 00:58:02.710 align:middle line:90%
Would relatives come?

00:58:02.710 --> 00:58:04.840 align:middle line:90%
Would there be sadness?

00:58:04.840 --> 00:58:07.420 align:middle line:84%
His imagination never got to
funerals, cemeteries, or marble

00:58:07.420 --> 00:58:09.130 align:middle line:90%
stones.

00:58:09.130 --> 00:58:10.690 align:middle line:90%
He got up slowly and backed off.

00:58:10.690 --> 00:58:12.470 align:middle line:84%
Blood and dust seemed
to cover everything

00:58:12.470 --> 00:58:16.135 align:middle line:84%
now-- his clothes, his skin, the
ground, the body of the zebra.

00:58:16.135 --> 00:58:19.150 align:middle line:84%
The plain had turned
toward dusk, a thin brown,

00:58:19.150 --> 00:58:22.510 align:middle line:84%
and the sky was a
bleached out blue-gray.

00:58:22.510 --> 00:58:25.510 align:middle line:90%
He edged back, still watching.

00:58:25.510 --> 00:58:28.390 align:middle line:84%
He had to go back and help
Bradley scrape down the hide.

00:58:28.390 --> 00:58:30.610 align:middle line:84%
Then they would begin
to try somewhere else.

00:58:30.610 --> 00:58:32.890 align:middle line:90%
Bradley knew where.

00:58:32.890 --> 00:58:35.230 align:middle line:84%
They could collect enough
hides to sell for a high price

00:58:35.230 --> 00:58:36.100 align:middle line:90%
on the black market.

00:58:36.100 --> 00:58:37.810 align:middle line:90%
They had outlets, customers.

00:58:37.810 --> 00:58:41.190 align:middle line:90%
They had only to do the work.

00:58:41.190 --> 00:58:44.870 align:middle line:84%
He made his way back through
the brush and up the gully.

00:58:44.870 --> 00:58:47.665 align:middle line:84%
When he reached his pack and
the rifle he was exhausted.

00:58:47.665 --> 00:58:49.040 align:middle line:84%
The sweat had
soaked through now,

00:58:49.040 --> 00:58:51.170 align:middle line:84%
and although he wiped
his face, he still

00:58:51.170 --> 00:58:53.180 align:middle line:90%
felt the dampness in his shirt.

00:58:53.180 --> 00:58:54.590 align:middle line:84%
Something had
snapped in his mind

00:58:54.590 --> 00:58:57.200 align:middle line:84%
like a star shooting down
from a pure black sky,

00:58:57.200 --> 00:58:59.900 align:middle line:84%
some deep connection he had made
between his life and his death

00:58:59.900 --> 00:59:02.270 align:middle line:90%
and his place on earth.

00:59:02.270 --> 00:59:03.260 align:middle line:90%
He had been terrified.

00:59:03.260 --> 00:59:06.026 align:middle line:90%


00:59:06.026 --> 00:59:07.750 align:middle line:90%
He took another shot of whiskey.

00:59:07.750 --> 00:59:09.970 align:middle line:84%
Then, as he looked back,
there was something new.

00:59:09.970 --> 00:59:12.560 align:middle line:90%


00:59:12.560 --> 00:59:15.380 align:middle line:84%
Across the expanse of
short brown grass and dust,

00:59:15.380 --> 00:59:17.570 align:middle line:84%
a larger form emerged,
barely visible

00:59:17.570 --> 00:59:19.460 align:middle line:90%
against the fading colors.

00:59:19.460 --> 00:59:22.145 align:middle line:84%
It moved slowly, languidly,
toward the dark red carcass.

00:59:22.145 --> 00:59:27.350 align:middle line:84%
And beyond that larger shape
were smaller animals coming in.

00:59:27.350 --> 00:59:29.810 align:middle line:90%
The hyenas ran ahead.

00:59:29.810 --> 00:59:32.000 align:middle line:84%
Elliott watched their
weaving, cautious paths.

00:59:32.000 --> 00:59:34.420 align:middle line:90%
The jackals followed resolutely.

00:59:34.420 --> 00:59:36.580 align:middle line:90%
This was the way it was.

00:59:36.580 --> 00:59:38.560 align:middle line:84%
When the hyenas
came to the carcass,

00:59:38.560 --> 00:59:40.550 align:middle line:90%
the vultures scattered again.

00:59:40.550 --> 00:59:42.860 align:middle line:84%
The hyenas were not
interested in them.

00:59:42.860 --> 00:59:46.040 align:middle line:84%
With huge neck muscles bulging,
they ripped into the meat.

00:59:46.040 --> 00:59:48.150 align:middle line:84%
The jackals came on, too,
circling the carcass,

00:59:48.150 --> 00:59:50.480 align:middle line:84%
nipping and backing away,
looking for small openings

00:59:50.480 --> 00:59:53.090 align:middle line:84%
to dart in and grab
a bit of flesh.

00:59:53.090 --> 00:59:55.310 align:middle line:84%
One hyena tore away
a huge chunk of meat

00:59:55.310 --> 00:59:56.810 align:middle line:84%
and carried it off
toward the trees.

00:59:56.810 --> 00:59:58.085 align:middle line:90%
Jackals followed.

00:59:58.085 --> 00:59:59.888 align:middle line:90%
The sound had changed, too.

00:59:59.888 --> 01:00:02.180 align:middle line:84%
Now there was brutal barking
and the cracking of bones.

01:00:02.180 --> 01:00:06.410 align:middle line:90%


01:00:06.410 --> 01:00:10.542 align:middle line:84%
The leopard did not stop to
test the territory for danger.

01:00:10.542 --> 01:00:12.810 align:middle line:84%
He moved into the
trampled circle of ground

01:00:12.810 --> 01:00:15.600 align:middle line:84%
around the carcass,
snarled at the hyenas,

01:00:15.600 --> 01:00:17.700 align:middle line:84%
who were replaced in
strength by the cat,

01:00:17.700 --> 01:00:20.128 align:middle line:90%
and tested the carcass.

01:00:20.128 --> 01:00:22.170 align:middle line:84%
Elliott wanted to look
away from all he had seen,

01:00:22.170 --> 01:00:24.800 align:middle line:84%
and yet he stayed
longer to watch.

01:00:24.800 --> 01:00:28.120 align:middle line:84%
He had seen the progression
from the beginning to end.

01:00:28.120 --> 01:00:31.095 align:middle line:84%
No, he thought,
there was no end.

01:00:31.095 --> 01:00:32.950 align:middle line:90%
Not yet.

01:00:32.950 --> 01:00:36.280 align:middle line:84%
There was the cat still
at the body, but no end.

01:00:36.280 --> 01:00:37.120 align:middle line:90%
It would go on.

01:00:37.120 --> 01:00:39.370 align:middle line:84%
Not only the cat, but
the hyenas and jackals,

01:00:39.370 --> 01:00:43.060 align:middle line:84%
who constantly circled, looking
for their opportunities.

01:00:43.060 --> 01:00:45.397 align:middle line:84%
The cat couldn't command
the whole of the zebra,

01:00:45.397 --> 01:00:47.230 align:middle line:84%
and now and then a hyena
would rush forward,

01:00:47.230 --> 01:00:52.708 align:middle line:84%
and tear a bit of loose
meat, and drag it away.

01:00:52.708 --> 01:00:54.378 align:middle line:84%
And even when the
feasting was over,

01:00:54.378 --> 01:00:56.920 align:middle line:84%
Elliott thought, there would be
the broken bones and the bits

01:00:56.920 --> 01:00:58.570 align:middle line:84%
of meat still clinging,
which the ants

01:00:58.570 --> 01:01:00.792 align:middle line:90%
would swarm over and devour.

01:01:00.792 --> 01:01:03.010 align:middle line:84%
He imagined these
ants by the millions,

01:01:03.010 --> 01:01:05.050 align:middle line:84%
descending more terribly
than the vultures had

01:01:05.050 --> 01:01:09.620 align:middle line:84%
descended, onto the last
tufts of hair and meat.

01:01:09.620 --> 01:01:11.940 align:middle line:84%
As in the morgue, there
would be no maggots here.

01:01:11.940 --> 01:01:15.670 align:middle line:90%


01:01:15.670 --> 01:01:17.380 align:middle line:90%
Bradley had not come back.

01:01:17.380 --> 01:01:19.740 align:middle line:84%
He would be sitting in
the Rover now, waiting.

01:01:19.740 --> 01:01:23.560 align:middle line:84%
Elliott had nearly the
whole two miles to go.

01:01:23.560 --> 01:01:25.480 align:middle line:84%
Then suddenly he struck
upon something else

01:01:25.480 --> 01:01:29.700 align:middle line:84%
and wondered why he had
not thought of it before.

01:01:29.700 --> 01:01:32.900 align:middle line:90%
He could have the cat's skin.

01:01:32.900 --> 01:01:34.490 align:middle line:84%
That was the reason
they had come.

01:01:34.490 --> 01:01:37.250 align:middle line:84%
A leopard's hide would
bring more than a zebra's.

01:01:37.250 --> 01:01:40.070 align:middle line:84%
He smiled at the idea of using
one animal's carcass as bait

01:01:40.070 --> 01:01:41.570 align:middle line:84%
for another, and
wondered whether it

01:01:41.570 --> 01:01:43.960 align:middle line:90%
would work every time.

01:01:43.960 --> 01:01:45.940 align:middle line:84%
Perhaps it was only
a matter of waiting

01:01:45.940 --> 01:01:49.590 align:middle line:90%
until all the scavengers came.

01:01:49.590 --> 01:01:51.840 align:middle line:84%
So he raised his rifle again
and looked at the leopard

01:01:51.840 --> 01:01:54.020 align:middle line:90%
through the hazy scope.

01:01:54.020 --> 01:01:57.140 align:middle line:84%
He centered the crosshairs and
focused, the black ring closing

01:01:57.140 --> 01:01:58.916 align:middle line:90%
out all the rest of the plain.

01:01:58.916 --> 01:02:03.398 align:middle line:90%


01:02:03.398 --> 01:02:06.884 align:middle line:90%
[APPLAUSE]

01:02:06.884 --> 01:02:08.880 align:middle line:90%


01:02:08.880 --> 01:02:10.990 align:middle line:90%
Thank you all for coming.

01:02:10.990 --> 01:02:18.000 align:middle line:90%