WEBVTT

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I am really nervous,
and I know why.

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And I'll tell you why in a
minute, but first of all,

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it's getting late.

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This is going to be more like
a variety show than a reading,

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but nevertheless, so if you want
to get up and leave, really,

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it's getting late, do so,
but like one at a time, OK,

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or-- this includes me, OK.

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I can leave, too.

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Anyway, the reason
I'm nervous is--

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I'm driving to my
shrink this afternoon

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to get my relaxation session,
that I need before readings,

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or teaching, or watching
TV, or whatever,

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and I stopped in at the Toxic
Ranch, which is the local punk

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record store in town.

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So I'm looking
through the stuff,

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and I say to the guy behind
the counter, I say, what's new?

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And the guy beside me, looks at
me and says, "Guns N' Roses."

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And the guy behind
the counter takes out

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what looked like a
frying pan and hit him

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over the head with
it, really hard.

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[LAUGHTER] So this
made me nervous.

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So I wanted to remain
on friendly terms,

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so I look at this guy,
and I say, what's new?

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[LAUGHTER] The other
guy's not moving.

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He looks me right in the
eye, and he says, you mean,

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what's now?

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And he says, "The
Necroambulites."

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So not only do I miss
my relaxation session

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with my shrink, which
leaves me nervous now,

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but I got like 18
copies, the only 18

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in existence of the
Necroambulites' only tape,

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and I'm selling them
after the reading.

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This is serious.

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This is true.

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This is absolutely true.

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I'm selling them for $3.

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They cost me $4.50, $3 apiece.

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Think of it this
way, OK, this is

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the way you think of
it after the reading,

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Buzz probably has,
I hope, brought

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copies of his wonderful novel
My Father in Dreams, right.

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Buzz, where are you?

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What's it cost?

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Like probably like--
this hardcover,

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so far, is all,
right, like $19.95?

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$22.50, OK?

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So you got like My Father
in Dreams, $22.50--

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you got to lug it home.

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You got the Necroambulites,
$3, and Buzz's thing,

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you got to like move your
eyes when you're doing it.

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[LAUGHTER] So anyway, I
need to beg your-- whatever

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it is people beg and hear.

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My shrink made, gave me a
copy of a relaxation tape,

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that he had made just
for general purposes.

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I got to hear it
before the reading, OK.

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If you can't hear
it, raise your hands.

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If it's too loud, leave.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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Hello, I am going to take you
on a journey, a journey to mind.

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First of all, you must lay down.

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Don't cross your
legs, palms extended.

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Now, feel the power, the
power of relaxation surge

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into your feet, absorb
it, like maybe you

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would absorb some Coke,
or some orange juice,

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or milk, or other
beverage, if you

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would soak it with your mop.

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You absorb it with you mop.

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Next of all, feel
it, feel it, feel it.

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Walk, walk up there,
walk up your legs,

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as maybe a bug would, whether
it be a spider, or a ladybug,

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or, well, maybe a snail.

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Now, it encompasses your
lower abdominal region,

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and you accept it.

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You accept, you accept
it, like maybe you would,

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maybe you would
your mother in law.

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Well, maybe you're not
your mother in law,

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but maybe someone else.

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Now, it flows, it flows just,
it flows into your upper torso,

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your chest, and it
flows, like maybe,

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like maybe one beverage
which if you throw it

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into another black.

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Yeah.

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Now, it clenches to
your shoulders and arms,

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your upper arms,
and you feel it.

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And it feels good.

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I'm telling you it feels good.

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Doesn't it feel good?

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Yes, it feels very good.

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Now, it goes into
your lower arms,

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and you feel as if
you were a rock.

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React as a rock, but
you're not made of stone.

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You are flying.

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I know you aren't really
flying, but you are flying.

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Next of all, it goes
down to your hands

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and lays with their out.

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And you take it as if
you would, maybe, you

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were catching a baseball,
or a basketball, or maybe,

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like a newspaper that someone
had just thrown to you.

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Now, it embraces your
neck, like maybe,

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like maybe a vampire would,
or a mosquito waiting there,

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or maybe--

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never mind.

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Now, it's, it slithers up
into your lower GI area,

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and you feel it.

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And you like it because
it feels very good.

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It feels very, very, very good.

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You like it.

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Now, it smothers
your face, smothers,

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you feel the need to
no longer breathe.

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You don't have to breathe,
and your eyes, your eyes,

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your eyes are shut,
just maybe they

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had been super glued, or forever
cemented, or maybe, just taped.

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And now, your whole
body, your back,

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you're like a piece
of paper, floating

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through time and
space, a piece of paper

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with one word written on it, one
word-- that word is relaxation,

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relaxation.

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Boy, does it feel good.

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Now, you're completely
in a relaxed,

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completely in a relaxed state.

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I insist upon it.

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You are completely relaxed.

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you are very, very relaxed.

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Thank you for staying
in session with me,

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and when we do this
again tomorrow,

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and you try to sleep again,
we will do this again.

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So until again, sleep
well and remember,

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you are completely relaxed,
completely relaxed,

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very, very, very relaxed.

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[APPLAUSE]

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Boy, do I feel nervous.

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[LAUGHTER] This is
actually part of the tape

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that will be available
to you after the reading.

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I'll read you two
or three old poems,

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meaning poems that I
wrote when I was young.

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Let me first read a poem that--

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I always read a poem
for Steve Orlen,

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and sometimes for Gail
Orlen, and sometimes

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for Steve and Gail Orlen, when
they're here at the readings.

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But-- see, this is the truth--

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Buzz, Steve told me
to tell you this, too.

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Steve calls me up about half
an hour before the reading.

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He's my best friend and the
head of the Creative Writing

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department, and he says, I
can't come to your reading.

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I said, OK, I'm
not going to yours.

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That's fine.

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And he says, he says, I
have to tell you the reason.

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and I said, you don't bother.

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It's OK.

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I understand.

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You've heard me read before.

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He says, you got to tell
Buzz, so I'm telling Buzz.

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This is the reason.

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He had his teeth cleaned today.

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He had what's called a
deep clean down on them.

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This is the truth.

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So [LAUGHTER] the
poems that I read

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for Steve and Gail,
or Steve, or Gail

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are always like sentimental
poems or poems about our past,

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which is questionable,
et cetera.

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What I'm going to read
tonight is a poem that--

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I have a kind of
a selected poems

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out of, my editor talk me
out of including this poem

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in that book, and he was wrong.

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I realize now.

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It's an odd poem though,
and it's for Steve,

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in the sense that
it's for Steve's dog.

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About 1970 or so, when I was
living in Portland, Oregon,

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I had--

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my wife Barbara and I had a dog
by the name-- who was actually

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her dog before it was mine.

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I was always jealous
in some ways--

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named Houdain, who
was a German shepherd.

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And Steve and Gail, who
were coming to, who had--

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Steve had a sabbatical.

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He was going to come up and stay
with us for part of the year

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that year--

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also had a dog, a very
large dog, as mine was.

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His was a Labrador, a
Newfoundland Labrador, I think,

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whose name was Tooley.

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Well, we rented a house that had
a very, very small yard to it.

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We didn't like walking the dogs,
so we built an enormous fence

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around the yard, maybe six,
seven feet high, or whatever.

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And after numerous attempts at
escape, by going over the fence

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and getting caught in the
middle of the fence, both dogs,

00:11:08.550 --> 00:11:10.770 align:middle line:84%
we realized one
day, we're trying

00:11:10.770 --> 00:11:14.070 align:middle line:84%
to make their escape by going
under, rather than over.

00:11:14.070 --> 00:11:17.340 align:middle line:84%
They were digging a hole,
and, this also is the truth,

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every time we went out
in the yard, one of them

00:11:19.830 --> 00:11:23.730 align:middle line:84%
would lie in the hole,
so we couldn't tell.

00:11:23.730 --> 00:11:26.460 align:middle line:90%


00:11:26.460 --> 00:11:33.750 align:middle line:84%
But they were digging the hole
parallel to the fence, OK.

00:11:33.750 --> 00:11:37.140 align:middle line:90%


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Another dog came by--

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this again, I swear
is the truth--

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another dog came by and dug
them out from the other side.

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And they took off, and they
run amok for two or three days,

00:11:50.850 --> 00:11:53.890 align:middle line:84%
and finally the police
brought them back to us.

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This is a poem about that.

00:11:55.920 --> 00:11:58.530 align:middle line:84%
It's written in fake
middle English, which I

00:11:58.530 --> 00:12:01.260 align:middle line:90%
have no idea how to pronounce.

00:12:01.260 --> 00:12:04.860 align:middle line:84%
So I have to read it kind
of like with a brogue,

00:12:04.860 --> 00:12:07.650 align:middle line:84%
with a potato in my mouth,
or something like that.

00:12:07.650 --> 00:12:09.360 align:middle line:90%
But it's a little ballad.

00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:12.780 align:middle line:84%
It's for Houdain D. Dog,
my dog who's passed on,

00:12:12.780 --> 00:12:18.330 align:middle line:84%
and I am proud to say his last
act, before he died at 14,

00:12:18.330 --> 00:12:21.570 align:middle line:84%
was to, the night before
he died, dragged home

00:12:21.570 --> 00:12:27.660 align:middle line:84%
a sack of garbage and
eat it in the front yard.

00:12:27.660 --> 00:12:30.960 align:middle line:84%
This is for Houdain
and for Tooley Orlen.

00:12:30.960 --> 00:12:33.490 align:middle line:90%


00:12:33.490 --> 00:12:37.030 align:middle line:84%
"Ye dog, O'Toole, who
hath not worked at love,

00:12:37.030 --> 00:12:38.957 align:middle line:90%
nor art, nor goeth school--"

00:12:38.957 --> 00:12:40.790 align:middle line:84%
I have to start again
to tell you something.

00:12:40.790 --> 00:12:43.480 align:middle line:84%
My dog looked like,
our dogs reflected

00:12:43.480 --> 00:12:47.180 align:middle line:84%
what were then our
personalities, in certain ways.

00:12:47.180 --> 00:12:50.800 align:middle line:84%
Tooley liked to lie
around a lot, yeah.

00:12:50.800 --> 00:12:52.180 align:middle line:90%
And he was big.

00:12:52.180 --> 00:12:57.220 align:middle line:84%
Now, I'm big, but Houdain my
dog looked worried all the time.

00:12:57.220 --> 00:13:00.070 align:middle line:84%
It was like he had advance
news of dog death or something

00:13:00.070 --> 00:13:02.150 align:middle line:90%
like that.

00:13:02.150 --> 00:13:04.870 align:middle line:84%
So this involves those
personality characteristics

00:13:04.870 --> 00:13:06.490 align:middle line:90%
of the dogs.

00:13:06.490 --> 00:13:10.720 align:middle line:84%
"Ye dog, O'Toole, who hath
not work at love, nor art,

00:13:10.720 --> 00:13:15.430 align:middle line:84%
nor goeth school, sayeth
with fart at golden rule.

00:13:15.430 --> 00:13:19.000 align:middle line:84%
Be a bitch, or biscuit,
or platter, or stew,

00:13:19.000 --> 00:13:22.510 align:middle line:84%
your palate alone
shall guide you.

00:13:22.510 --> 00:13:27.820 align:middle line:84%
Ye dog, Houdain, forgoeth
bone nor doth disdain to moon,

00:13:27.820 --> 00:13:31.270 align:middle line:84%
for wind, and rain,
yer snow, and fog,

00:13:31.270 --> 00:13:35.830 align:middle line:84%
your seasons sunned and world
roll on, but your days a dog

00:13:35.830 --> 00:13:37.990 align:middle line:90%
be not long.

00:13:37.990 --> 00:13:42.070 align:middle line:84%
Brothers two, you slim
Houdain and fat O'Toole,

00:13:42.070 --> 00:13:44.920 align:middle line:90%
beneath fence diggeth hole.

00:13:44.920 --> 00:13:47.290 align:middle line:84%
Into your world,
your brothers dance

00:13:47.290 --> 00:13:52.290 align:middle line:84%
nor would return your fat
O'Toole or slim Houdain.

00:13:52.290 --> 00:13:57.250 align:middle line:84%
Soon as report, brothers two
doth run amok in neighborhoo.

00:13:57.250 --> 00:14:00.520 align:middle line:90%


00:14:00.520 --> 00:14:03.790 align:middle line:84%
Cautions O'Toole,
Houdain, you may bark,

00:14:03.790 --> 00:14:06.460 align:middle line:84%
may scowl, and be
rude, but do not

00:14:06.460 --> 00:14:09.010 align:middle line:84%
bite your hand what
giveth dog food.

00:14:09.010 --> 00:14:11.720 align:middle line:90%


00:14:11.720 --> 00:14:14.590 align:middle line:84%
Though all complain of
brothers two, no win,

00:14:14.590 --> 00:14:17.200 align:middle line:90%
no rain doth drive them home.

00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:20.240 align:middle line:84%
Then sayeth Houdain
to brother O'Toole,

00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:22.300 align:middle line:84%
though we hath been
friends through thick

00:14:22.300 --> 00:14:26.440 align:middle line:84%
and thin, dog needeth
some love from mine.

00:14:26.440 --> 00:14:29.940 align:middle line:84%
So end this song of brothers
two, away they had flown

00:14:29.940 --> 00:14:33.210 align:middle line:84%
and back they flew,
reclineth in yard

00:14:33.210 --> 00:14:36.090 align:middle line:84%
through seasons
and sun, to wind,

00:14:36.090 --> 00:14:40.950 align:middle line:84%
and rain, your snow, your
fog, O'Toole, Houdain,

00:14:40.950 --> 00:14:42.000 align:middle line:90%
you brothers dog."

00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:44.750 align:middle line:90%
[APPLAUSE]

00:14:44.750 --> 00:14:52.000 align:middle line:90%