WEBVTT

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So this is a longer poem
that is a sequence that

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was very hard for me to write.

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I talked about it in the
class, in Claire's class

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earlier today, and you
all asked about it.

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I know you asked
about it, thank you.

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So I'm going to read it.

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So a little content warning that
this is about emotional abuse.

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So if that's an experience that
you've had, just be prepared.

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"The Friend."

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A public road.

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A man at a tea shop
that doesn't exist

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saw a woman and an other woman.

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He heard everything the woman
said to the other woman.

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This woman was saying,
fuck you and how

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dare you louder and louder,
and then later on the street.

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The man at the tea
shop wasn't there

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when the woman screamed at
the other woman on the street.

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The man at the tea
shop wasn't there

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when the woman said
to the other woman

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that the tea shop wasn't there.

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"A Friend."

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With a handful of
raspberries in my hand,

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a voice is asking
me in my head why

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I don't include the bad things.

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I say it's because I don't
want violence to be beautiful.

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That I am responsible to
what I make beautiful.

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But does beauty have
anything to do with violence

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and what's made of it?

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"A Friend."

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I don't remember which episode
of the R. Kelly documentary I

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am watching with my sister.

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Andrea Kelly, his now
ex-wife, tells a story

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of how she was told
to stay in her room

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while he watched a
basketball game with guests.

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She is getting hungry but
doesn't have permission

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to leave the room.

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Sparkle hears a strange
knocking over the basketball

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and wonders what it is,
but Robert doesn't notice.

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Sparkle notices.

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Andrea trying to get attention.

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The door opens.

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Oh, that's right, Andrea
Kelly doesn't tell this story.

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It's Sparkle who
tells the story.

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When Andrea Kelly tells a
story, she will start to cry.

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The dark place stays where the
dark still plays in her mind.

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"The Friend."

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It is spring and all
the buds have bloomed.

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I enter the kitchen
and there is silence

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except for you talking to your
friend who is also my friend.

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Silence means I am now unseen.

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We are getting groceries.

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I follow you to your
car, into the back seat

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where your dogs are kept.

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You keep talking to your
friend who is also my friend.

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He talks back to you.

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I lean forward.

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My voice lingers but
it leaves the car.

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When I walk behind you
to the grocery store,

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I still don't know
what I have done.

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There, the produce
glistens louder

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than I am to the universe.

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To your friend, who
is also my friend,

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you aren't silent
when you talk to him.

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I am.

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If I'm heard, it
is only the car.

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If I'm seen, it is only
the produce moving.

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In the kitchen, we
are making dinner.

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Your friend, who
is also my friend,

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tells us both to stop fighting.

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But I am not fighting, I am
noticing where I don't exist.

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I should leave.

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But when we move, it's to
the den to watch a show.

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I try but can't
stomach the episode.

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What is it that happens when
you whisper across the den?

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Striking match after match.

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A fire now swelling
on the tongue.

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Somehow it goes from what I
did to you breaking me down

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like a stick for the flame.

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What I did to you
always deserve this.

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What you did to me was this.

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What I did, I brought
you raspberries.

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I'll go to sleep before night
sees past your darkening

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corridor.

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We get to the room and I'm dared
to agree you're the monster.

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I neither lie nor tell
the truth for both of us.

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And very precisely,
you tell me there's

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a bus that runs
early in the morning

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if I don't want you to drive me.

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Very precisely, I
think about this bus

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in the dream I don't leave.

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Somehow it goes from
you asking me again

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what it is I want from
you and me not remembering

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if I said nothing.

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Only the feeling of my
throat swollen and my head

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beating in silence I
can't talk myself out of.

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What do I want from
you but not this.

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Then you daring me
to call you a monster

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and you saying
no, that's not it.

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I don't ask for it, but you
circle facts about the morning

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bus that doesn't require
me to drive you then

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re-enter the dark.

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And your friend who's
my friend is in the den,

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still enjoying the show.

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I can't stomach the episode.

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I'll go to sleep.

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So you lead me through
the dark corridor.

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I'm prompted.

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You thought you would
sleep in my room.

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The point is not the question,
it is the silent answer.

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How dare you.

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You leave me in this
other room at 11:00PM.

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It is your house I doze beneath
the covers, teeth chattering,

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until I tried to stop listening.

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Above, the sound of the show
which is loud enough for you

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and your friend who
is also my friend.

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You are my friend.

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And I hate how I can't
sleep in the cold.

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I hate having to emerge
from the corridor just

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to ask for something warm.

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But no one who loves
me hears exactly what

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you're saying to me.

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No one who loves me is here
to hear what I say back,

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and even I've forgotten
myself speaking.

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Would they cover their ears
ashamed of how I am comforting

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you or would they help me move?

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You lead me back
through the door.

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You hand me a
sweatshirt that is yours

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and you want nothing
to do with it.

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It is not even dark in the night
until you switch off the light

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to emerge in the light.

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Within the year, you
scream at me over text

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then in whispers, then on the
phone, then on the street,

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with stories, with politics,
with love, with anger,

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with tears.

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Then finally, crawling
then not remembering.

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I disappeared.

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It is spring.

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The buds must have
bloomed in the cold.

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It is a year before
we separated.

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You were my friend.

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So the show that
we were watching

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was actually Project Runway.

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Coincidence.

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That did not besmirch my
love for Project Runway

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though, I will say.

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OK.

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OK.