WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.930 align:middle line:90% 00:00:05.930 --> 00:00:07.880 align:middle line:84% So I said to myself, that I would only 00:00:07.880 --> 00:00:11.672 align:middle line:90% write haiku if they're dirty. 00:00:11.672 --> 00:00:13.640 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:00:13.640 --> 00:00:18.865 align:middle line:84% So I wrote, yeah, a bunch of haiku. 00:00:18.865 --> 00:00:21.760 align:middle line:90% 00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:23.260 align:middle line:84% Yeah, I'll read those, and then I'll 00:00:23.260 --> 00:00:28.420 align:middle line:84% read my new series called "Lockdown Impromptu." 00:00:28.420 --> 00:00:31.060 align:middle line:84% They're haiku, but they're not really haiku. 00:00:31.060 --> 00:00:37.980 align:middle line:84% But I'll read the ones from my Selected first. 00:00:37.980 --> 00:00:44.630 align:middle line:84% Yeah, my Selected came out 2019, and the paperback came out 00:00:44.630 --> 00:00:46.790 align:middle line:84% during the pandemic, so I didn't really 00:00:46.790 --> 00:00:50.150 align:middle line:84% have a chance to celebrate it that much. 00:00:50.150 --> 00:00:51.245 align:middle line:90% Let me look at the haiku. 00:00:51.245 --> 00:01:01.290 align:middle line:90% 00:01:01.290 --> 00:01:02.520 align:middle line:90% OK, where is it? 00:01:02.520 --> 00:01:03.330 align:middle line:90% Where is it? 00:01:03.330 --> 00:01:09.078 align:middle line:90% 00:01:09.078 --> 00:01:09.870 align:middle line:90% OK, there they are. 00:01:09.870 --> 00:01:10.370 align:middle line:90% OK. 00:01:10.370 --> 00:01:15.380 align:middle line:90% 00:01:15.380 --> 00:01:15.890 align:middle line:90% OK. 00:01:15.890 --> 00:01:18.730 align:middle line:90% So. 00:01:18.730 --> 00:01:19.960 align:middle line:90% "Twenty Five Haiku." 00:01:19.960 --> 00:01:23.110 align:middle line:90% 00:01:23.110 --> 00:01:27.820 align:middle line:84% "A hundred red fire ants scouring, scouring, 00:01:27.820 --> 00:01:28.765 align:middle line:90% the white peony. 00:01:28.765 --> 00:01:31.610 align:middle line:90% 00:01:31.610 --> 00:01:35.990 align:middle line:84% Fallen plum blossoms returned to the branch. 00:01:35.990 --> 00:01:40.490 align:middle line:90% You sleep, then harden again." 00:01:40.490 --> 00:01:44.300 align:middle line:84% Sir, I think you're too young to to be listening to these haiku, 00:01:44.300 --> 00:01:47.030 align:middle line:90% right. 00:01:47.030 --> 00:01:48.960 align:middle line:84% I'm just teasing, he's really sweet. 00:01:48.960 --> 00:01:49.460 align:middle line:90% OK. 00:01:49.460 --> 00:01:53.860 align:middle line:90% 00:01:53.860 --> 00:01:59.920 align:middle line:84% "Cuttlefish in my palm stiffens with rigor mortis. 00:01:59.920 --> 00:02:04.120 align:middle line:90% Boy toys can't love. 00:02:04.120 --> 00:02:05.560 align:middle line:90% Neighbor's barn. 00:02:05.560 --> 00:02:10.180 align:middle line:84% Grass mat, crickets, Blue Boy, trowel handle, 00:02:10.180 --> 00:02:13.990 align:middle line:90% dress soaked in mud. 00:02:13.990 --> 00:02:21.710 align:middle line:84% Iron-headed mace, double-studded halberd, slice into emptiness. 00:02:21.710 --> 00:02:26.120 align:middle line:84% Oh, fierce Oghuz, tie me to two wild elephants, 00:02:26.120 --> 00:02:29.890 align:middle line:90% tear me in half. 00:02:29.890 --> 00:02:33.490 align:middle line:84% Oh, my swarthy herder, two-humped bactrian, 00:02:33.490 --> 00:02:36.520 align:middle line:90% drive me the long distance. 00:02:36.520 --> 00:02:42.160 align:middle line:84% Forceps, tongs, bushi, whip, flanks, scabbard, stirrup, 00:02:42.160 --> 00:02:47.250 align:middle line:90% goads, distaff, wither, awl. 00:02:47.250 --> 00:02:53.490 align:middle line:84% Black-eyed Susans, Queen Anne's lace, bounty of cyclamen, 00:02:53.490 --> 00:02:56.930 align:middle line:90% mown paths erupt. 00:02:56.930 --> 00:03:04.550 align:middle line:84% Gaze at the charred hills, the woebegone kiosks, 00:03:04.550 --> 00:03:09.140 align:middle line:90% we are all God's hussies. 00:03:09.140 --> 00:03:12.620 align:middle line:84% I have not fondled the emperor's lapdog, 00:03:12.620 --> 00:03:17.180 align:middle line:90% whose name is Black Muzzle. 00:03:17.180 --> 00:03:22.250 align:middle line:84% Urge your horses into the mist-willed Galilee, O sweet 00:03:22.250 --> 00:03:24.440 align:middle line:90% Bedlamite. 00:03:24.440 --> 00:03:27.410 align:middle line:84% Her Majesty's randying up the jewel stairs 00:03:27.410 --> 00:03:31.060 align:middle line:90% to find the pleasure dome. 00:03:31.060 --> 00:03:34.630 align:middle line:84% Ancient pond, the frog jumps in and in and in, 00:03:34.630 --> 00:03:38.590 align:middle line:90% the deep slap of water. 00:03:38.590 --> 00:03:41.650 align:middle line:84% The frog jumps into the ancient pond. 00:03:41.650 --> 00:03:46.600 align:middle line:90% She says, No, I am not ready. 00:03:46.600 --> 00:03:49.270 align:middle line:84% Coyote cooked his dead wife's vagina 00:03:49.270 --> 00:03:51.745 align:middle line:90% and fed it to his new wife. 00:03:51.745 --> 00:03:54.380 align:middle line:90% 00:03:54.380 --> 00:03:58.100 align:middle line:84% I plucked out three white pubic hairs 00:03:58.100 --> 00:04:04.130 align:middle line:84% and they turned into flying monkeys. 00:04:04.130 --> 00:04:10.110 align:middle line:84% Let's do it on the antimacassar, on the antimacassar." 00:04:10.110 --> 00:04:11.580 align:middle line:90% That's a nerdy reference. 00:04:11.580 --> 00:04:14.640 align:middle line:90% 00:04:14.640 --> 00:04:18.930 align:middle line:84% "Little Red drew her teeny pistol from her basket 00:04:18.930 --> 00:04:22.620 align:middle line:90% and said, Eat me. 00:04:22.620 --> 00:04:30.300 align:middle line:84% Chimera, Madame Pol Pot grafting a date tree onto a date tree. 00:04:30.300 --> 00:04:33.690 align:middle line:84% His unworthy appendage, his mutinous henchman 00:04:33.690 --> 00:04:37.000 align:middle line:90% grazed my pink cheeks. 00:04:37.000 --> 00:04:45.010 align:middle line:84% He on top now changes to bottom, Goddess welcomes her devotee. 00:04:45.010 --> 00:04:49.450 align:middle line:84% Fish, fish, fowl, fowl, mock me Mistress Bean Curd, 00:04:49.450 --> 00:04:52.780 align:middle line:90% I am both duck and essence. 00:04:52.780 --> 00:04:56.140 align:middle line:84% Sing, sing little yellow blight rage, 00:04:56.140 --> 00:05:00.430 align:middle line:84% rage against the dying of the light. 00:05:00.430 --> 00:05:03.790 align:middle line:84% Don't touch him bitch, we're engaged, 00:05:03.790 --> 00:05:07.360 align:middle line:84% and besides he's wearing my nipple ring." 00:05:07.360 --> 00:05:10.216 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:05:10.216 --> 00:05:14.980 align:middle line:90% [CALLPING] 00:05:14.980 --> 00:05:19.133 align:middle line:84% The last haiku is a found haiku because I heard it-- 00:05:19.133 --> 00:05:21.550 align:middle line:84% I heard one of my students saying something to that effect 00:05:21.550 --> 00:05:22.840 align:middle line:90% into her cell phone. 00:05:22.840 --> 00:05:26.640 align:middle line:90% So it's a found haiku.