WEBVTT

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This poem is called
"Paranoia," written

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not by me, but by
somebody who is paranoid.

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[LAUGHTER]

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"Paranoia"-- when you drive on
the freeway, cars follow you.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Someone opens your
mail, two hands that

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come out of your shirtsleeves.

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Your dog looks at you.

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He does not like you.

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At the driving test,
the cop is tired.

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He has sat up all night,
screening your dreams.

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If you go to the zoo, be
sure to take your passport.

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Everywhere you go,
the dog goes with you.

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Beautiful women come up to you
and ask for the dog's telephone

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number.

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[LAUGHTER]

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You go to teach.

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Everyone who passes
you in the corridor

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knows you never finished
Tristram Shandy.

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You are the assistant professor
no one associates with.

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At the yoga class, you finally
get into the lotus position.

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You are carried home.

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[LAUGHTER]

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When you turn the refrigerator
to defrost, the TV drips.

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Across the street, the
pigeons call softly

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to each other like
the FBI on a stakeout.

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When you walk to the post office
and see the flag at half-mast,

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you know you have died.

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[LAUGHTER]

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[APPLAUSE]