WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.950 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.950 --> 00:00:03.780 align:middle line:90% You can hear me? 00:00:03.780 --> 00:00:06.690 align:middle line:84% Well as Andy mentioned, I feel scared tonight 00:00:06.690 --> 00:00:10.260 align:middle line:84% in a way I don't usually about reading, but I like to read. 00:00:10.260 --> 00:00:14.490 align:middle line:84% But I've never tried reading something 00:00:14.490 --> 00:00:16.870 align:middle line:90% before it was finished. 00:00:16.870 --> 00:00:20.460 align:middle line:84% You know, why those people likes to have it all real tied up, 00:00:20.460 --> 00:00:23.020 align:middle line:84% but this is called "Writers At Work." 00:00:23.020 --> 00:00:30.990 align:middle line:84% So I figured maybe in the spirit of the title, I give it a go. 00:00:30.990 --> 00:00:34.590 align:middle line:84% Particularly since I assume that probably most of us in the room 00:00:34.590 --> 00:00:37.320 align:middle line:90% are writers at work, yeah? 00:00:37.320 --> 00:00:40.530 align:middle line:84% And so maybe you'll be as kind to me as anybody. 00:00:40.530 --> 00:00:41.880 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHS] 00:00:41.880 --> 00:00:45.630 align:middle line:84% To make matters worse, I just had three temporary crowns 00:00:45.630 --> 00:00:47.940 align:middle line:84% put in the front of my mouth, two of which 00:00:47.940 --> 00:00:49.620 align:middle line:90% popped out during supper. 00:00:49.620 --> 00:00:54.750 align:middle line:84% So I look like something out of a horror flick and I lisp. 00:00:54.750 --> 00:00:58.590 align:middle line:90% So oh well, on we go. 00:00:58.590 --> 00:01:00.300 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:01:00.300 --> 00:01:03.408 align:middle line:84% Watch, listen with your eyes closed, OK? 00:01:03.408 --> 00:01:06.690 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:01:06.690 --> 00:01:10.980 align:middle line:84% The book I'm writing has a tentative title, "House-Bound: 00:01:10.980 --> 00:01:14.610 align:middle line:84% An Erotics of Place and Space," it's a kind of memoir. 00:01:14.610 --> 00:01:21.030 align:middle line:84% And what I'm trying to do in it, I think, is to re-occupy 00:01:21.030 --> 00:01:25.920 align:middle line:90% and represent my past. 00:01:25.920 --> 00:01:29.850 align:middle line:84% Exploring its significance for me 00:01:29.850 --> 00:01:36.270 align:middle line:84% not so much as a woman, as a female body. 00:01:36.270 --> 00:01:40.470 align:middle line:84% And I think that's hence the subtitle, "An Erotics of Place 00:01:40.470 --> 00:01:42.540 align:middle line:90% and Space." 00:01:42.540 --> 00:01:45.220 align:middle line:84% The portion that I'll read to you, 00:01:45.220 --> 00:01:48.870 align:middle line:84% it's from one of the central sections in the book, which 00:01:48.870 --> 00:01:50.760 align:middle line:90% is entitled "236." 00:01:50.760 --> 00:01:55.680 align:middle line:84% That's the address of the house I'm living in it at this point. 00:01:55.680 --> 00:01:59.910 align:middle line:84% I'll read you just about the second portion, the second half 00:01:59.910 --> 00:02:02.640 align:middle line:90% of that section. 00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:07.920 align:middle line:84% It's done in short sections with spaces between-- 00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:10.650 align:middle line:84% I can't of course, visualize those for you 00:02:10.650 --> 00:02:14.790 align:middle line:84% so I'll just sort of stop in between the sections. 00:02:14.790 --> 00:02:17.495 align:middle line:84% They're pretty disjointed so you'll get the idea anyway. 00:02:17.495 --> 00:02:22.290 align:middle line:90% 00:02:22.290 --> 00:02:25.650 align:middle line:84% All of a sudden, Mother gets married. 00:02:25.650 --> 00:02:27.870 align:middle line:84% During nearly seven years of widowhood, 00:02:27.870 --> 00:02:31.290 align:middle line:84% she's had plenty of dates, and even suitors. 00:02:31.290 --> 00:02:33.990 align:middle line:84% The only one she's seriously considered however, 00:02:33.990 --> 00:02:36.450 align:middle line:90% turned out not to like children. 00:02:36.450 --> 00:02:38.970 align:middle line:84% He had a great deal of money with which 00:02:38.970 --> 00:02:41.160 align:middle line:84% he planned to send us off to boarding school 00:02:41.160 --> 00:02:43.410 align:middle line:90% as early as possible. 00:02:43.410 --> 00:02:46.620 align:middle line:84% Mother, having grown fond of our company, 00:02:46.620 --> 00:02:50.670 align:middle line:84% decided to keep us around a while longer. 00:02:50.670 --> 00:02:53.790 align:middle line:84% This one has no way of knowing whether he likes children 00:02:53.790 --> 00:02:59.190 align:middle line:84% or not, never having known any, but he seems willing to try. 00:02:59.190 --> 00:03:03.390 align:middle line:84% In later years, I will marvel at the generosity of spirit 00:03:03.390 --> 00:03:05.910 align:middle line:90% this willingness suggests. 00:03:05.910 --> 00:03:09.630 align:middle line:84% A modest banker, unmarried at 41, 00:03:09.630 --> 00:03:14.010 align:middle line:84% having lived with and supported his parents since he was 16. 00:03:14.010 --> 00:03:18.480 align:middle line:84% How did he dare to leave his now widowed mother to take on 00:03:18.480 --> 00:03:23.670 align:middle line:84% not merely a wife, but her two petulant, prepubescent girls 00:03:23.670 --> 00:03:25.740 align:middle line:90% as well? 00:03:25.740 --> 00:03:28.890 align:middle line:84% Perhaps, I'll think when I'm even older than he 00:03:28.890 --> 00:03:33.510 align:middle line:84% was on his wedding day, he never knew what hit him. 00:03:33.510 --> 00:03:37.140 align:middle line:84% He and Mother were introduced by mutual friends over a game 00:03:37.140 --> 00:03:39.600 align:middle line:90% of bridge at the end of August. 00:03:39.600 --> 00:03:42.030 align:middle line:84% On her birthday, September 24, she 00:03:42.030 --> 00:03:44.340 align:middle line:84% removed the miniature Naval Academy 00:03:44.340 --> 00:03:49.260 align:middle line:84% ring my father had given her and slipped on a diamond solitaire. 00:03:49.260 --> 00:03:51.450 align:middle line:84% On October 23rd, they get married. 00:03:51.450 --> 00:03:54.180 align:middle line:90% 00:03:54.180 --> 00:03:56.490 align:middle line:84% I'm terribly excited about the wedding 00:03:56.490 --> 00:04:01.080 align:middle line:84% because I get to wear nylon stockings for the first time. 00:04:01.080 --> 00:04:04.530 align:middle line:84% Sally still has to wear white ankle socks. 00:04:04.530 --> 00:04:06.810 align:middle line:84% I have a white elastic garter belt 00:04:06.810 --> 00:04:09.870 align:middle line:84% with a blue bird embroidered on the front. 00:04:09.870 --> 00:04:14.040 align:middle line:84% All day, the garter belt slides downward over my skinny hips, 00:04:14.040 --> 00:04:18.029 align:middle line:84% and my stocking seams twist up the inside of my thighs. 00:04:18.029 --> 00:04:21.360 align:middle line:84% And finally, I get a hole in one knee so that the next day, 00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:24.900 align:middle line:84% I'll have to go back to white ankle socks for Sunday school. 00:04:24.900 --> 00:04:28.380 align:middle line:84% But at least I've had the experience. 00:04:28.380 --> 00:04:31.740 align:middle line:84% I wear a turquoise taffeta dress with a crunchy crinoline, 00:04:31.740 --> 00:04:35.790 align:middle line:84% and I swish thickly with every step. 00:04:35.790 --> 00:04:38.910 align:middle line:84% Granna get so flustered at being the mother of the bride 00:04:38.910 --> 00:04:40.740 align:middle line:84% again that she climbs into her dress 00:04:40.740 --> 00:04:43.200 align:middle line:84% before removing the hanger, and stands 00:04:43.200 --> 00:04:45.990 align:middle line:84% shouting "hunchback" 'till we work the wire free 00:04:45.990 --> 00:04:47.010 align:middle line:90% of her plump shoulders. 00:04:47.010 --> 00:04:49.480 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:04:49.480 --> 00:04:51.900 align:middle line:84% We go to the church, and then come home again 00:04:51.900 --> 00:04:54.435 align:middle line:84% for little sandwiches and wedding cake. 00:04:54.435 --> 00:04:57.660 align:middle line:84% "Wrap a piece in a napkin and tuck it under your pillow," 00:04:57.660 --> 00:05:01.500 align:middle line:84% someone tells me, "and you'll dream of your future husband." 00:05:01.500 --> 00:05:04.980 align:middle line:84% But the trick doesn't work this or any other time. 00:05:04.980 --> 00:05:07.170 align:middle line:84% My future husband remains shrouded 00:05:07.170 --> 00:05:10.050 align:middle line:90% for several more years. 00:05:10.050 --> 00:05:12.510 align:middle line:84% Before the newlyweds go off to Split Rock 00:05:12.510 --> 00:05:15.090 align:middle line:84% Lodge in the Poconos of Pennsylvania, 00:05:15.090 --> 00:05:18.150 align:middle line:90% Sally and I approach them. 00:05:18.150 --> 00:05:20.080 align:middle line:84% "What should we call you?" we ask 00:05:20.080 --> 00:05:24.000 align:middle line:84% the man we've known for two months as Mr. Cutter. 00:05:24.000 --> 00:05:28.110 align:middle line:84% "Oh," his eyes widen, "I don't know. 00:05:28.110 --> 00:05:31.020 align:middle line:90% Would Daddy be all right?" 00:05:31.020 --> 00:05:33.300 align:middle line:90% So daddy it is. 00:05:33.300 --> 00:05:36.000 align:middle line:84% Of course, our own father was Daddy too, 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:38.370 align:middle line:84% but that doesn't seem to be a problem. 00:05:38.370 --> 00:05:40.950 align:middle line:84% We're not likely to get the two of them mixed up. 00:05:40.950 --> 00:05:43.530 align:middle line:90% 00:05:43.530 --> 00:05:47.190 align:middle line:84% After they've gone, I am wracked by grief, 00:05:47.190 --> 00:05:50.130 align:middle line:84% unlooked-for and more intense than anything 00:05:50.130 --> 00:05:52.740 align:middle line:90% I've ever felt before. 00:05:52.740 --> 00:05:55.260 align:middle line:84% To make matters worse, I get sick, 00:05:55.260 --> 00:05:58.020 align:middle line:84% the 24 hour grippe, we always call it, 00:05:58.020 --> 00:05:59.970 align:middle line:90% and vomit on the floor. 00:05:59.970 --> 00:06:02.760 align:middle line:84% Poor Granna cleans up and puts me to bed 00:06:02.760 --> 00:06:07.470 align:middle line:84% and feeds me sips of ginger ale, but I yearn for Mother. 00:06:07.470 --> 00:06:11.520 align:middle line:84% Of course, I say nothing, then or ever. 00:06:11.520 --> 00:06:15.120 align:middle line:84% This grief, this new grief, the sense 00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:18.690 align:middle line:84% that the known world has shifted and shattered, 00:06:18.690 --> 00:06:24.030 align:middle line:84% that nothing will ever be the same or as good again, 00:06:24.030 --> 00:06:27.720 align:middle line:84% will live in my gut like a silent parasite, 00:06:27.720 --> 00:06:31.860 align:middle line:84% through more years than I can, at the age of 11, imagine. 00:06:31.860 --> 00:06:34.800 align:middle line:90% 00:06:34.800 --> 00:06:37.440 align:middle line:84% When Mother and Daddy come home from their honeymoon, 00:06:37.440 --> 00:06:41.070 align:middle line:84% we leave Granna to decide what to do with the house at 236 00:06:41.070 --> 00:06:44.090 align:middle line:84% Larch Row while we move into the second floor 00:06:44.090 --> 00:06:46.830 align:middle line:84% of an old white colonial with green shutters 00:06:46.830 --> 00:06:49.440 align:middle line:90% in the center of town. 00:06:49.440 --> 00:06:52.110 align:middle line:84% Wenham is picture postcard pretty, 00:06:52.110 --> 00:06:55.170 align:middle line:84% the sturdy steep old white clapboard first church 00:06:55.170 --> 00:06:59.070 align:middle line:84% congregation all at one end of a little village green. 00:06:59.070 --> 00:07:02.580 align:middle line:84% Across Main Street, the white clapboard town hall. 00:07:02.580 --> 00:07:05.940 align:middle line:84% Next to it, the steep roofed Claflin-Richards' House 00:07:05.940 --> 00:07:09.840 align:middle line:84% with its dark clapboard and tiny diamond painted windows. 00:07:09.840 --> 00:07:13.410 align:middle line:84% The only structure remaining from the town's 17th century 00:07:13.410 --> 00:07:15.030 align:middle line:90% settlement. 00:07:15.030 --> 00:07:19.250 align:middle line:84% Main Street is lined with 18th and 19th century houses though, 00:07:19.250 --> 00:07:22.280 align:middle line:90% set back under maples and elms. 00:07:22.280 --> 00:07:27.060 align:middle line:84% Outside of town are vast estates with gate houses and stables 00:07:27.060 --> 00:07:32.960 align:middle line:84% of hunters and polo ponies, but no one I know ever goes there. 00:07:32.960 --> 00:07:36.560 align:middle line:84% Within walking distance of school, church, town hall, 00:07:36.560 --> 00:07:41.270 align:middle line:84% and library, post office, and the homes of all my friends, 00:07:41.270 --> 00:07:45.620 align:middle line:84% for the brief time we live here, I feel part of the social world 00:07:45.620 --> 00:07:47.165 align:middle line:90% in a way I never will again. 00:07:47.165 --> 00:07:51.050 align:middle line:90% 00:07:51.050 --> 00:07:54.170 align:middle line:90% I'm waiting for my period. 00:07:54.170 --> 00:07:57.020 align:middle line:84% I know I'm going to get it because Mother told me 00:07:57.020 --> 00:07:58.640 align:middle line:84% just before I went to summer camp 00:07:58.640 --> 00:08:02.150 align:middle line:84% the summer I turned 10, following up her presentation 00:08:02.150 --> 00:08:05.730 align:middle line:84% with the gift of a paperback called "The stork didn't bring 00:08:05.730 --> 00:08:06.230 align:middle line:90% you." 00:08:06.230 --> 00:08:09.020 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:08:09.020 --> 00:08:12.500 align:middle line:84% In this knowledge, I'm luckier than my friend Sal, 00:08:12.500 --> 00:08:14.480 align:middle line:84% the tall, rangy, redheaded girl who 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:16.850 align:middle line:84% used to go to North Shore Country Day 00:08:16.850 --> 00:08:19.610 align:middle line:84% but has joined us for junior high. 00:08:19.610 --> 00:08:20.960 align:middle line:90% So we're in the same grade. 00:08:20.960 --> 00:08:23.960 align:middle line:84% She's two years older and has it already. 00:08:23.960 --> 00:08:27.080 align:middle line:84% But her mother never told her, just handed her 00:08:27.080 --> 00:08:31.220 align:middle line:84% a pad and a belt wordlessly when Sal whispered that she'd hurt 00:08:31.220 --> 00:08:35.120 align:middle line:90% herself terribly down there. 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:37.159 align:middle line:84% My mother told me she enjoined me 00:08:37.159 --> 00:08:41.960 align:middle line:84% strictly not to tell anyone else as especially my sister. 00:08:41.960 --> 00:08:45.140 align:middle line:90% Telling was a job for mothers. 00:08:45.140 --> 00:08:48.020 align:middle line:84% But in Sally's case, I make an exception. 00:08:48.020 --> 00:08:50.810 align:middle line:84% And between me and the Kotex movie at school, 00:08:50.810 --> 00:08:53.780 align:middle line:84% she gets enough information to cheer up a bit, 00:08:53.780 --> 00:08:57.270 align:middle line:84% though she still throws up every month. 00:08:57.270 --> 00:09:00.110 align:middle line:90% As for me, I'm impatient. 00:09:00.110 --> 00:09:03.350 align:middle line:84% I'm at least a year younger than the other girls in my grade, 00:09:03.350 --> 00:09:06.120 align:middle line:84% and I don't want to be left behind. 00:09:06.120 --> 00:09:08.630 align:middle line:84% I, too, want to shriek and dive when 00:09:08.630 --> 00:09:14.000 align:middle line:84% some boy grabs my clutch purse and threatens to peek inside. 00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:17.480 align:middle line:84% Soft brown hair, I started growing in my armpits 00:09:17.480 --> 00:09:19.070 align:middle line:90% and on my penivus-- 00:09:19.070 --> 00:09:20.960 align:middle line:84% I guess I need a little gloss here. 00:09:20.960 --> 00:09:24.397 align:middle line:84% Earlier in the book, I explain that we had a family word. 00:09:24.397 --> 00:09:25.730 align:middle line:90% I don't know where it came from. 00:09:25.730 --> 00:09:28.310 align:middle line:84% My grandmother gave it for, I mean, 00:09:28.310 --> 00:09:31.070 align:middle line:84% nobody ever talks about their Mons Veneris right? 00:09:31.070 --> 00:09:32.750 align:middle line:84% I mean, have you ever heard a woman talk 00:09:32.750 --> 00:09:33.920 align:middle line:90% about her Mons Veneris? 00:09:33.920 --> 00:09:36.110 align:middle line:90% We called it-- for some reason. 00:09:36.110 --> 00:09:38.450 align:middle line:84% At least, it had a name, better than the "blank" 00:09:38.450 --> 00:09:41.180 align:middle line:84% that most people grow up with, a penivus. 00:09:41.180 --> 00:09:42.890 align:middle line:84% All right, so I'm getting hair on mine. 00:09:42.890 --> 00:09:47.030 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:09:47.030 --> 00:09:49.400 align:middle line:84% Mother gives me a heavy old razor, 00:09:49.400 --> 00:09:53.750 align:middle line:84% and Granna buys me a jar of Yodora to rub under my arms. 00:09:53.750 --> 00:09:56.450 align:middle line:84% My breasts are beginning to grow too. 00:09:56.450 --> 00:09:59.120 align:middle line:84% At first, I was scared because the left one started 00:09:59.120 --> 00:10:02.390 align:middle line:84% to swell and hurt after Sally jabbed it with her elbow, 00:10:02.390 --> 00:10:04.370 align:middle line:84% trying to beat me through the front door. 00:10:04.370 --> 00:10:07.280 align:middle line:84% And I thought she'd given me cancer. 00:10:07.280 --> 00:10:09.080 align:middle line:84% But mother said to wait a little. 00:10:09.080 --> 00:10:11.810 align:middle line:84% And sure enough, the other one started to swell too. 00:10:11.810 --> 00:10:14.510 align:middle line:90% So it never does get as big. 00:10:14.510 --> 00:10:16.790 align:middle line:84% Mother buys me some white knit cotton 00:10:16.790 --> 00:10:18.920 align:middle line:90% bras to replace my undershirts. 00:10:18.920 --> 00:10:24.020 align:middle line:84% So now boys can grab snappily at the backs of my blouses too. 00:10:24.020 --> 00:10:25.970 align:middle line:90% I hate these bras, though. 00:10:25.970 --> 00:10:28.280 align:middle line:84% Not so much because they're uncomfortable, 00:10:28.280 --> 00:10:30.620 align:middle line:84% riding up and down my chest with nothing 00:10:30.620 --> 00:10:34.850 align:middle line:84% to hold them in place, as because they're ugly. 00:10:34.850 --> 00:10:37.970 align:middle line:84% One night, Granna brings me a pink satin bra 00:10:37.970 --> 00:10:40.490 align:middle line:84% that hooks in front, which somehow manages 00:10:40.490 --> 00:10:42.230 align:middle line:90% to create a little cleavage. 00:10:42.230 --> 00:10:46.760 align:middle line:84% And then I'm fulfilled, even if my bras aren't. 00:10:46.760 --> 00:10:48.470 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:10:48.470 --> 00:10:52.160 align:middle line:84% Trapped in a convention designed for some other woman's 00:10:52.160 --> 00:10:56.450 align:middle line:84% bodily reality, I'll go on harnessing myself into one 00:10:56.450 --> 00:11:00.050 align:middle line:84% and yanking it down from its stranglehold on my throat 00:11:00.050 --> 00:11:01.565 align:middle line:90% until I'm nearly 30. 00:11:01.565 --> 00:11:04.190 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:11:04.190 --> 00:11:07.070 align:middle line:84% Fortunately, my period starts fairly early, 00:11:07.070 --> 00:11:09.590 align:middle line:90% just before I turned 12. 00:11:09.590 --> 00:11:11.270 align:middle line:90% I'm prepared. 00:11:11.270 --> 00:11:14.300 align:middle line:84% My blue box of Kotex and my white elastic belt 00:11:14.300 --> 00:11:16.040 align:middle line:84% with the metal clasps on each end 00:11:16.040 --> 00:11:18.890 align:middle line:90% are stowed in my bedroom closet. 00:11:18.890 --> 00:11:21.745 align:middle line:84% Then of course, I'm nowhere near my bedroom closet 00:11:21.745 --> 00:11:22.370 align:middle line:90% when it starts. 00:11:22.370 --> 00:11:24.470 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:11:24.470 --> 00:11:28.370 align:middle line:84% I'm spending a few days with Aunt Jane and Uncle Kip. 00:11:28.370 --> 00:11:30.800 align:middle line:84% I peer anxiously at a brownish spot 00:11:30.800 --> 00:11:33.350 align:middle line:90% on the crotch of my underpants. 00:11:33.350 --> 00:11:36.500 align:middle line:90% Oh no, it can't be. 00:11:36.500 --> 00:11:39.170 align:middle line:84% But the next time I go to the bathroom, a couple more spots 00:11:39.170 --> 00:11:40.700 align:middle line:90% have appeared. 00:11:40.700 --> 00:11:43.400 align:middle line:84% And a couple more of the time after that. 00:11:43.400 --> 00:11:44.600 align:middle line:90% I can't ignore them. 00:11:44.600 --> 00:11:47.000 align:middle line:90% They're not going away. 00:11:47.000 --> 00:11:49.040 align:middle line:84% Composing myself, I tell Jane I'll 00:11:49.040 --> 00:11:51.710 align:middle line:84% have to borrow a belt and some Kotex. 00:11:51.710 --> 00:11:54.560 align:middle line:84% I'm too embarrassed to tell her it's the first time. 00:11:54.560 --> 00:11:56.750 align:middle line:84% And apparently, my composure is convincing 00:11:56.750 --> 00:12:00.560 align:middle line:84% because she's surprised when Mother tells her later. 00:12:00.560 --> 00:12:03.530 align:middle line:84% It's not much of a period, just some rusty streaks 00:12:03.530 --> 00:12:05.900 align:middle line:90% on a pad for a couple of days. 00:12:05.900 --> 00:12:08.120 align:middle line:90% No matter, I got it. 00:12:08.120 --> 00:12:11.500 align:middle line:90% 00:12:11.500 --> 00:12:14.350 align:middle line:84% Not too long afterward, as soon as I come home 00:12:14.350 --> 00:12:18.640 align:middle line:84% from summer camp, Mother sits me down on the living room couch. 00:12:18.640 --> 00:12:22.000 align:middle line:84% She is wearing a white skirt with big pink red and navy 00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:23.560 align:middle line:90% polka dots. 00:12:23.560 --> 00:12:26.920 align:middle line:90% Her manner is subdued, serious. 00:12:26.920 --> 00:12:31.600 align:middle line:84% She tells me that she and Daddy are going to have a baby. 00:12:31.600 --> 00:12:33.080 align:middle line:90% They hope it will be a boy. 00:12:33.080 --> 00:12:34.660 align:middle line:84% But if it isn't, they'll try again. 00:12:34.660 --> 00:12:37.380 align:middle line:90% 00:12:37.380 --> 00:12:40.170 align:middle line:90% A baby. 00:12:40.170 --> 00:12:42.450 align:middle line:84% Apparently, she's read that an older child is 00:12:42.450 --> 00:12:45.930 align:middle line:84% sometimes upset and embarrassed by her mother's pregnancy 00:12:45.930 --> 00:12:47.970 align:middle line:90% and her manner is tentative. 00:12:47.970 --> 00:12:49.815 align:middle line:84% But I haven't read the same book. 00:12:49.815 --> 00:12:50.940 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:12:50.940 --> 00:12:54.570 align:middle line:84% I think the idea of our having a baby is thrilling. 00:12:54.570 --> 00:12:56.910 align:middle line:84% And I don't care what my friends think 00:12:56.910 --> 00:12:59.850 align:middle line:84% though, it turns out that they think it's thrilling too. 00:12:59.850 --> 00:13:03.690 align:middle line:84% So this pregnancy becomes a kind of shared eighth grade project. 00:13:03.690 --> 00:13:05.040 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:13:05.040 --> 00:13:07.950 align:middle line:84% The other girls rush home and beg their mothers 00:13:07.950 --> 00:13:09.135 align:middle line:90% to have babies too. 00:13:09.135 --> 00:13:10.530 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:13:10.530 --> 00:13:13.960 align:middle line:84% A plea that elicits considerable consternation 00:13:13.960 --> 00:13:16.290 align:middle line:90% but no compliance. 00:13:16.290 --> 00:13:20.610 align:middle line:84% We'll all have to share the same baby. 00:13:20.610 --> 00:13:23.310 align:middle line:84% Mother makes herself some skirts with holes cut out 00:13:23.310 --> 00:13:25.560 align:middle line:84% of the front and some wide tunics, 00:13:25.560 --> 00:13:27.600 align:middle line:84% and goes around for months looking something 00:13:27.600 --> 00:13:29.610 align:middle line:90% like a toadstool. 00:13:29.610 --> 00:13:32.370 align:middle line:84% Then sure enough, she goes off to the hospital 00:13:32.370 --> 00:13:36.150 align:middle line:84% and produces the cutest baby you've ever seen. 00:13:36.150 --> 00:13:40.590 align:middle line:84% Fat, ruddy, with wandering blue eyes, and pale hair 00:13:40.590 --> 00:13:43.530 align:middle line:90% like a blown dandelion. 00:13:43.530 --> 00:13:45.360 align:middle line:84% Although he's got a proper name, we 00:13:45.360 --> 00:13:48.540 align:middle line:90% call him Chip, my Chip-a-dee. 00:13:48.540 --> 00:13:52.590 align:middle line:84% I love him more than I've ever loved anything else. 00:13:52.590 --> 00:13:58.560 align:middle line:84% My dolls, my fathers, my sister, even Mother, 00:13:58.560 --> 00:14:00.960 align:middle line:90% I am beside myself with love. 00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:03.690 align:middle line:90% 00:14:03.690 --> 00:14:07.170 align:middle line:84% With a baby, our apartment on Main Street, already cramped, 00:14:07.170 --> 00:14:09.240 align:middle line:90% will become impossible. 00:14:09.240 --> 00:14:13.320 align:middle line:84% Granna hasn't yet sold 236 so Mother and Daddy arrange 00:14:13.320 --> 00:14:15.450 align:middle line:84% to add on two bedrooms and a half bath 00:14:15.450 --> 00:14:17.460 align:middle line:90% for themselves and the baby. 00:14:17.460 --> 00:14:19.110 align:middle line:84% Granna will put in a little kitchen 00:14:19.110 --> 00:14:22.650 align:middle line:84% and move into the two large rooms upstairs. 00:14:22.650 --> 00:14:24.300 align:middle line:84% She papers the living room kitchen 00:14:24.300 --> 00:14:27.090 align:middle line:84% in a small neutral geometric print, and the bedroom 00:14:27.090 --> 00:14:30.060 align:middle line:84% in deep green, splashed with yellow and white daisies, 00:14:30.060 --> 00:14:33.150 align:middle line:84% and settles in snugly, with her own little stove, 00:14:33.150 --> 00:14:35.760 align:middle line:84% and refrigerator, and table, and television. 00:14:35.760 --> 00:14:38.880 align:middle line:84% Though as a rule, she eats dinner with us. 00:14:38.880 --> 00:14:42.480 align:middle line:84% This arrangement, throwing three generations of women 00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:45.510 align:middle line:84% together with a male stranger and an infant, 00:14:45.510 --> 00:14:48.660 align:middle line:84% creates a kind of ill-controlled but unacknowledged 00:14:48.660 --> 00:14:50.970 align:middle line:90% emotional chaos. 00:14:50.970 --> 00:14:53.700 align:middle line:84% At the center, stone silent, sits 00:14:53.700 --> 00:14:56.730 align:middle line:84% Daddy, about whom everyone complains, 00:14:56.730 --> 00:15:00.840 align:middle line:84% especially Granna, who is none too fond of men. 00:15:00.840 --> 00:15:03.030 align:middle line:84% He bears our battering, is almost wholly 00:15:03.030 --> 00:15:05.340 align:middle line:90% without recrimination. 00:15:05.340 --> 00:15:08.760 align:middle line:84% Once, awash in a flood of adolescent whining, 00:15:08.760 --> 00:15:11.070 align:middle line:90% he tells me to shut up. 00:15:11.070 --> 00:15:14.250 align:middle line:84% A few years later, when while learning to drive, 00:15:14.250 --> 00:15:17.820 align:middle line:84% I turn a corner too sharply, and the car lurches over the curb, 00:15:17.820 --> 00:15:23.850 align:middle line:84% he clutches the dashboard and shouts, "Jesus Christ." 00:15:23.850 --> 00:15:27.810 align:middle line:84% Two outbursts in all our years together. 00:15:27.810 --> 00:15:29.950 align:middle line:84% The price of this restraint, however, 00:15:29.950 --> 00:15:33.450 align:middle line:84% is a kind of emotional absence, as a result 00:15:33.450 --> 00:15:35.700 align:middle line:84% of which I'll have trouble recognizing 00:15:35.700 --> 00:15:41.460 align:middle line:84% that my words and actions have genuine power to wound. 00:15:41.460 --> 00:15:45.300 align:middle line:84% The women whirl and collide in the surrounding storm. 00:15:45.300 --> 00:15:49.590 align:middle line:84% Sally and I, three grades apart and in separate schools now, 00:15:49.590 --> 00:15:52.440 align:middle line:84% spend little time together except after dinner 00:15:52.440 --> 00:15:55.050 align:middle line:84% when we are required to wash the dishes, 00:15:55.050 --> 00:15:58.590 align:middle line:84% and our childhood arguments turn rancorous. 00:15:58.590 --> 00:16:02.130 align:middle line:84% Once, she wallops me over the head with a cast iron frying 00:16:02.130 --> 00:16:03.510 align:middle line:90% pan. 00:16:03.510 --> 00:16:07.170 align:middle line:84% She and I both fight with Mother in our different styles. 00:16:07.170 --> 00:16:11.340 align:middle line:84% She erupts, shouting, and stomping, and slamming doors 00:16:11.340 --> 00:16:14.400 align:middle line:84% to emerge shortly as sunny as the landscape 00:16:14.400 --> 00:16:17.880 align:middle line:90% after a summer squall. 00:16:17.880 --> 00:16:20.100 align:middle line:90% I vanish in floods of weeping. 00:16:20.100 --> 00:16:22.530 align:middle line:84% And once I've closed the door behind me, 00:16:22.530 --> 00:16:24.720 align:middle line:90% I can't get out again. 00:16:24.720 --> 00:16:27.480 align:middle line:90% Sometimes, the hours go by. 00:16:27.480 --> 00:16:31.650 align:middle line:84% I just do not know how to re-enter the social world, 00:16:31.650 --> 00:16:35.950 align:middle line:84% and no one from that world is about to come rescue me. 00:16:35.950 --> 00:16:38.910 align:middle line:84% Mother is very strict about that. 00:16:38.910 --> 00:16:42.210 align:middle line:90% No emotional rescue. 00:16:42.210 --> 00:16:46.530 align:middle line:84% Each episode cuts me further adrift. 00:16:46.530 --> 00:16:48.630 align:middle line:90% We all fight with Granna. 00:16:48.630 --> 00:16:50.310 align:middle line:84% When they're angry, mother and Granna 00:16:50.310 --> 00:16:53.940 align:middle line:84% stop speaking to each other and use me as a go between. 00:16:53.940 --> 00:16:56.550 align:middle line:84% "Tell your grandmother," says Mother, 00:16:56.550 --> 00:16:58.410 align:middle line:90% and I trot up the stairs. 00:16:58.410 --> 00:17:03.840 align:middle line:84% "Well, tell your mother," Granna replies and down I trot again. 00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:06.300 align:middle line:84% Eventually, all this trotting strikes me 00:17:06.300 --> 00:17:09.240 align:middle line:84% as not just tiresome but silly, and I get up 00:17:09.240 --> 00:17:11.730 align:middle line:90% the nerve to quit the job. 00:17:11.730 --> 00:17:14.040 align:middle line:90% Granna complains about us. 00:17:14.040 --> 00:17:16.650 align:middle line:90% She calls me lazy and selfish. 00:17:16.650 --> 00:17:23.880 align:middle line:84% But I'm not lazy and selfish, I'm 13, and 14, and 15. 00:17:23.880 --> 00:17:26.339 align:middle line:84% My diary is full of entries like this. 00:17:26.339 --> 00:17:27.990 align:middle line:90% "No school. 00:17:27.990 --> 00:17:30.120 align:middle line:84% I'd have had a quieter day in school 00:17:30.120 --> 00:17:33.480 align:middle line:84% for I fed and dressed Chip, put through two loads of wash, 00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:37.200 align:middle line:84% burned rubbish, washed dishes, folded laundry, fed Chip 00:17:37.200 --> 00:17:41.700 align:middle line:84% again, ironed, and even managed to write a letter." 00:17:41.700 --> 00:17:44.070 align:middle line:84% But when mother is ill or away, granna 00:17:44.070 --> 00:17:47.820 align:middle line:84% has the strain of being supervisor, I note. 00:17:47.820 --> 00:17:51.330 align:middle line:84% Working five days a week at a job she never much likes, 00:17:51.330 --> 00:17:56.670 align:middle line:84% she must find this noisy and disorderly household a strain. 00:17:56.670 --> 00:17:59.850 align:middle line:84% The trouble is that we never confront these tensions. 00:17:59.850 --> 00:18:04.500 align:middle line:84% We have our several outbursts, get over them as best we can, 00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:08.910 align:middle line:84% and resume our routines as though nothing had happened. 00:18:08.910 --> 00:18:11.280 align:middle line:84% On the whole, this process works and we all 00:18:11.280 --> 00:18:13.860 align:middle line:84% remain functional, I suppose, because we 00:18:13.860 --> 00:18:17.910 align:middle line:84% persist in loving one another despite our differences. 00:18:17.910 --> 00:18:21.540 align:middle line:84% But the wounds fester, at least mine do. 00:18:21.540 --> 00:18:23.940 align:middle line:84% I can't speak for anyone else's because they've never 00:18:23.940 --> 00:18:26.170 align:middle line:90% spoken to me. 00:18:26.170 --> 00:18:29.190 align:middle line:84% I wind up with emotional abscesses, sealed away 00:18:29.190 --> 00:18:31.080 align:middle line:84% under scar tissue, which will one day 00:18:31.080 --> 00:18:35.100 align:middle line:84% poison the lives of those in the new household I establish. 00:18:35.100 --> 00:18:39.100 align:middle line:90% 00:18:39.100 --> 00:18:41.530 align:middle line:84% I'm scared of going to junior high, where 00:18:41.530 --> 00:18:45.040 align:middle line:84% we'll have to change classrooms every hour. 00:18:45.040 --> 00:18:47.710 align:middle line:84% Somehow, I'm convinced that in the company of two 00:18:47.710 --> 00:18:50.740 align:middle line:84% dozen other students and with the choice of only eight rooms, 00:18:50.740 --> 00:18:52.720 align:middle line:90% I'll go astray. 00:18:52.720 --> 00:18:55.480 align:middle line:84% I do, in fact, go astray on more than one occasion 00:18:55.480 --> 00:18:58.060 align:middle line:90% but never physically. 00:18:58.060 --> 00:19:01.630 align:middle line:84% The three year curriculum is numbingly conventional, 00:19:01.630 --> 00:19:06.380 align:middle line:84% English, Mathematics, History, Geography, Spelling, Science, 00:19:06.380 --> 00:19:11.290 align:middle line:84% Music (Vocal and Appreciation), Hygiene, Physical Education, 00:19:11.290 --> 00:19:14.470 align:middle line:90% even Penmanship. 00:19:14.470 --> 00:19:16.900 align:middle line:90% In the last year, we get Latin. 00:19:16.900 --> 00:19:19.270 align:middle line:90% Boys take Industrial Arts. 00:19:19.270 --> 00:19:21.670 align:middle line:90% Girls take Home Economics. 00:19:21.670 --> 00:19:24.070 align:middle line:84% In sewing, we have to fringe and cross 00:19:24.070 --> 00:19:26.470 align:middle line:90% stitch, place mats and napkins. 00:19:26.470 --> 00:19:30.190 align:middle line:84% Mine are light blue with black and white stitching. 00:19:30.190 --> 00:19:33.580 align:middle line:84% Long after all the other girls have gone on to blouses, 00:19:33.580 --> 00:19:36.400 align:middle line:84% I am still picking out ragged stitches 00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:38.320 align:middle line:90% and putting them in again. 00:19:38.320 --> 00:19:44.590 align:middle line:84% The needle sticky with sweat, cloth crumpled, grayish. 00:19:44.590 --> 00:19:48.100 align:middle line:84% When we get to cooking, my white sauce lumps. 00:19:48.100 --> 00:19:52.960 align:middle line:84% I might do better at building a bookcase, though I doubt it. 00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:57.130 align:middle line:84% The terror of all our lives is our English teacher, Hazel Ann 00:19:57.130 --> 00:20:01.270 align:middle line:84% Bullis, an aging spinster with tight thin curls, 00:20:01.270 --> 00:20:04.180 align:middle line:84% whose hand is forever diving into the neck of her blouse 00:20:04.180 --> 00:20:06.550 align:middle line:84% to retrieve the straps of her underwear, 00:20:06.550 --> 00:20:08.290 align:middle line:84% snaking off her hunched shoulders. 00:20:08.290 --> 00:20:10.300 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:20:10.300 --> 00:20:13.480 align:middle line:84% Her nose turns off and her cheeks sag so heavily, 00:20:13.480 --> 00:20:16.630 align:middle line:84% they pull her lower lids down from her pale eyes, 00:20:16.630 --> 00:20:19.570 align:middle line:84% giving her the baleful expression of a bloodhound 00:20:19.570 --> 00:20:21.880 align:middle line:90% without its sweetness. 00:20:21.880 --> 00:20:25.090 align:middle line:84% Sweetness is precisely what she lacks. 00:20:25.090 --> 00:20:28.160 align:middle line:84% Its largesse of patience and humor. 00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:31.060 align:middle line:90% She doesn't love us at all. 00:20:31.060 --> 00:20:33.880 align:middle line:90% She never thinks we're funny. 00:20:33.880 --> 00:20:37.630 align:middle line:84% She berates us regularly for our stupidity and laziness. 00:20:37.630 --> 00:20:40.990 align:middle line:84% She repeatedly tells us the horrid tale of her friends 00:20:40.990 --> 00:20:43.750 align:middle line:84% who ate under-cooked pork and died of trichinosis. 00:20:43.750 --> 00:20:45.850 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:20:45.850 --> 00:20:49.510 align:middle line:84% She even pulls Idgie Summitt's hair. 00:20:49.510 --> 00:20:53.800 align:middle line:84% If she loves her subject, she does so for the wrong reasons. 00:20:53.800 --> 00:20:59.920 align:middle line:84% She makes us diagram sentences, read Sohrab and Rostam, 00:20:59.920 --> 00:21:04.150 align:middle line:84% memorize and recite "breathes there the man 00:21:04.150 --> 00:21:07.810 align:middle line:90% with soul so dead." 00:21:07.810 --> 00:21:10.120 align:middle line:84% I'm very good at diagramming sentences 00:21:10.120 --> 00:21:11.450 align:middle line:90% and even at writing them. 00:21:11.450 --> 00:21:13.760 align:middle line:84% So maybe she likes me better than most, 00:21:13.760 --> 00:21:17.170 align:middle line:84% but it's a pale and watery affection. 00:21:17.170 --> 00:21:20.710 align:middle line:84% Years later, as we reminisce, my friend Paul 00:21:20.710 --> 00:21:23.770 align:middle line:84% will drop his gentle manner startlingly. 00:21:23.770 --> 00:21:26.650 align:middle line:84% "Miss Bullis was a mean bitter old bag 00:21:26.650 --> 00:21:29.860 align:middle line:84% who never taught us anything but fear." 00:21:29.860 --> 00:21:33.940 align:middle line:84% I remonstrate reflexively in the voice my mother habitually used 00:21:33.940 --> 00:21:36.070 align:middle line:90% to counter my own complaints. 00:21:36.070 --> 00:21:40.405 align:middle line:84% But in fact, mother's voice is wrong and Paul's is right. 00:21:40.405 --> 00:21:43.030 align:middle line:90% 00:21:43.030 --> 00:21:46.420 align:middle line:84% Late June, school is almost over. 00:21:46.420 --> 00:21:48.850 align:middle line:84% Some of us girls are cleaning the library, which 00:21:48.850 --> 00:21:51.250 align:middle line:84% is our old fifth grade room, lined now 00:21:51.250 --> 00:21:53.440 align:middle line:84% with dusty shelves of the books our teachers 00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:56.410 align:middle line:90% think we ought to want to read. 00:21:56.410 --> 00:21:58.840 align:middle line:84% I've read just about all of them. 00:21:58.840 --> 00:22:03.670 align:middle line:84% Not a passionate embrace in the bunch, except of black horses 00:22:03.670 --> 00:22:07.720 align:middle line:84% swift as the wind and Irish setters. 00:22:07.720 --> 00:22:09.550 align:middle line:84% The tall windows have been thrown up 00:22:09.550 --> 00:22:12.520 align:middle line:84% to let in the hot bright afternoon. 00:22:12.520 --> 00:22:16.090 align:middle line:84% Leaning out to shake my dust rag, I'm seized by the impulse 00:22:16.090 --> 00:22:20.680 align:middle line:84% to clamber over the sill and stand on the ledge below. 00:22:20.680 --> 00:22:21.580 align:middle line:90% "What she's doing?" 00:22:21.580 --> 00:22:23.730 align:middle line:90% The voice squeals behind me. 00:22:23.730 --> 00:22:25.990 align:middle line:84% "Look at Nancy, she's crawling out the window." 00:22:25.990 --> 00:22:28.600 align:middle line:84% "Nancy, what are you doing out there? 00:22:28.600 --> 00:22:29.140 align:middle line:90% Come in. 00:22:29.140 --> 00:22:31.960 align:middle line:90% Come back in, you'll fall." 00:22:31.960 --> 00:22:35.960 align:middle line:84% I'm not afraid of heights and I don't feel like falling at all. 00:22:35.960 --> 00:22:38.190 align:middle line:84% I don't believe I can fly anymore. 00:22:38.190 --> 00:22:40.510 align:middle line:90% I'm not tempted to let go. 00:22:40.510 --> 00:22:42.970 align:middle line:84% I balance there on the ledge, one hand 00:22:42.970 --> 00:22:46.570 align:middle line:84% hooked onto the window frame, and look down and out 00:22:46.570 --> 00:22:50.800 align:middle line:84% at the bright grass two stories below the asphalt drive. 00:22:50.800 --> 00:22:54.880 align:middle line:84% The cars in the parking lot, the dusty light 00:22:54.880 --> 00:22:57.460 align:middle line:90% streaking through thick leaves. 00:22:57.460 --> 00:23:01.330 align:middle line:84% I feel feathery and remote as though the girls behind me 00:23:01.330 --> 00:23:05.440 align:middle line:84% had receded into a dark and distant world. 00:23:05.440 --> 00:23:07.570 align:middle line:84% Their shrieks floating out the window 00:23:07.570 --> 00:23:11.140 align:middle line:84% have attracted the attention of some boys walking by, 00:23:11.140 --> 00:23:14.920 align:middle line:84% who look up, pointing with shouts of laughter. 00:23:14.920 --> 00:23:18.520 align:middle line:84% I am wearing mother's full white skirt with the red pink 00:23:18.520 --> 00:23:20.350 align:middle line:90% and navy polka dots. 00:23:20.350 --> 00:23:23.050 align:middle line:84% And it crosses my mind that they can probably look up it 00:23:23.050 --> 00:23:27.040 align:middle line:90% at my white cotton underpants. 00:23:27.040 --> 00:23:29.440 align:middle line:84% The trouble with pulling some weird stunt 00:23:29.440 --> 00:23:33.070 align:middle line:84% like this, something you know no one else would ever do, 00:23:33.070 --> 00:23:36.370 align:middle line:84% something you wouldn't have thought you'd ever do yourself, 00:23:36.370 --> 00:23:40.310 align:middle line:84% is figuring out how to stop doing it. 00:23:40.310 --> 00:23:43.250 align:middle line:90% I feel frozen by embarrassment. 00:23:43.250 --> 00:23:46.700 align:middle line:84% But I can't keep standing here, showing off my underpants. 00:23:46.700 --> 00:23:48.500 align:middle line:90% I scramble back over the sill. 00:23:48.500 --> 00:23:50.810 align:middle line:84% And after a few more squeals, everyone 00:23:50.810 --> 00:23:54.230 align:middle line:84% stops talking about what Nancy did and acts as though it never 00:23:54.230 --> 00:23:55.760 align:middle line:90% happened. 00:23:55.760 --> 00:23:57.980 align:middle line:90% It did happen though. 00:23:57.980 --> 00:24:00.350 align:middle line:84% They may never think about it again, 00:24:00.350 --> 00:24:03.920 align:middle line:84% but it will stay tucked in some fold of their memories. 00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:07.790 align:middle line:84% One more scrap of strangeness added to my already strange 00:24:07.790 --> 00:24:09.620 align:middle line:90% reputation. 00:24:09.620 --> 00:24:13.190 align:middle line:84% In a sense, I stay stuck out on that ledge forever. 00:24:13.190 --> 00:24:16.430 align:middle line:90% 00:24:16.430 --> 00:24:19.460 align:middle line:84% Our real lives take place outside of school, 00:24:19.460 --> 00:24:24.020 align:middle line:84% in that dim region crossed by electric flashes of attention 00:24:24.020 --> 00:24:27.650 align:middle line:90% between boys and girls. 00:24:27.650 --> 00:24:31.820 align:middle line:84% One Saturday evening a month the PTA sponsors a square dance. 00:24:31.820 --> 00:24:34.310 align:middle line:84% We girls all put on felt circle skirts 00:24:34.310 --> 00:24:38.240 align:middle line:84% with piles of crinolines underneath and sissy blouses. 00:24:38.240 --> 00:24:41.180 align:middle line:84% My skirt, blue with silver metal studs, 00:24:41.180 --> 00:24:44.360 align:middle line:84% doesn't have a poodle on it, alas. 00:24:44.360 --> 00:24:47.600 align:middle line:84% And I never own more than two crinolines at a time, 00:24:47.600 --> 00:24:51.440 align:middle line:84% one of white nylon and the other of pink net. 00:24:51.440 --> 00:24:54.440 align:middle line:84% Even with such disadvantages however, 00:24:54.440 --> 00:24:57.680 align:middle line:84% complicated by the attentions of Eddie Mulvey, who 00:24:57.680 --> 00:25:00.230 align:middle line:84% barely comes up to my belly button, 00:25:00.230 --> 00:25:03.320 align:middle line:90% I usually have a good time. 00:25:03.320 --> 00:25:06.050 align:middle line:84% On Wednesday evenings, we go to a new dancing school 00:25:06.050 --> 00:25:10.790 align:middle line:84% taught by Mrs. Warner, who never admits more boys than girls. 00:25:10.790 --> 00:25:13.310 align:middle line:90% Even I get a boy to dance with. 00:25:13.310 --> 00:25:17.520 align:middle line:84% She teaches us to tango, cha cha, lindy, not just waltz 00:25:17.520 --> 00:25:19.250 align:middle line:90% or foxtrot. 00:25:19.250 --> 00:25:21.770 align:middle line:84% I can't dribble the basketball or connect a puck 00:25:21.770 --> 00:25:23.000 align:middle line:90% with a hockey stick. 00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:26.180 align:middle line:84% And if I turn a somersault, I faint with fear. 00:25:26.180 --> 00:25:28.790 align:middle line:84% Dancing turns out to be the only physical activity 00:25:28.790 --> 00:25:31.070 align:middle line:90% I'm ever good at. 00:25:31.070 --> 00:25:34.520 align:middle line:84% Getting partners remains a problem, though. 00:25:34.520 --> 00:25:37.310 align:middle line:90% People have started pairing off. 00:25:37.310 --> 00:25:39.950 align:middle line:84% On a hayride one icy October night, 00:25:39.950 --> 00:25:43.880 align:middle line:84% I sit up beside the laconic elderly driver, hunched 00:25:43.880 --> 00:25:47.540 align:middle line:84% and shuddering while the others bury themselves 2 by 2 00:25:47.540 --> 00:25:48.890 align:middle line:90% in the hay. 00:25:48.890 --> 00:25:52.940 align:middle line:84% For a while, I go back and make out with fat Peter Stacey, 00:25:52.940 --> 00:25:55.085 align:middle line:84% but that only makes me feel cheap and sad. 00:25:55.085 --> 00:25:56.480 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:25:56.480 --> 00:25:59.150 align:middle line:84% At a party in Judy Pearson's basement rumpus room, 00:25:59.150 --> 00:26:00.620 align:middle line:90% we play spin the bottle. 00:26:00.620 --> 00:26:02.750 align:middle line:84% And Roger Armstrong demonstrates to me 00:26:02.750 --> 00:26:05.930 align:middle line:84% that it's all right to open your eyes while you kiss. 00:26:05.930 --> 00:26:09.410 align:middle line:84% But I'm so miserable because no one there I want to kiss 00:26:09.410 --> 00:26:12.140 align:middle line:84% wants to kiss me, that I rush upstairs 00:26:12.140 --> 00:26:16.130 align:middle line:84% to call my parents for a ride home. 00:26:16.130 --> 00:26:20.130 align:middle line:84% This wretched single state has a couple of consequences. 00:26:20.130 --> 00:26:25.040 align:middle line:84% One is that I take to writing bad poetry. 00:26:25.040 --> 00:26:27.230 align:middle line:84% Writing isn't a new venture of course, 00:26:27.230 --> 00:26:29.540 align:middle line:84% though I've stuck mainly to prose. 00:26:29.540 --> 00:26:32.660 align:middle line:84% After my friend Sal returned from a summer in the Tetons, 00:26:32.660 --> 00:26:35.120 align:middle line:84% having fallen in love with a Jackson Hole dude 00:26:35.120 --> 00:26:37.340 align:middle line:84% rancher named Peter, she commissioned 00:26:37.340 --> 00:26:39.710 align:middle line:90% me to write a steamy novel. 00:26:39.710 --> 00:26:43.520 align:middle line:84% I don't think either Sal or I knew just what she and Peter 00:26:43.520 --> 00:26:45.740 align:middle line:84% were up to in their shared sleeping 00:26:45.740 --> 00:26:49.070 align:middle line:90% bag under a starry Western sky. 00:26:49.070 --> 00:26:53.120 align:middle line:84% The Stork Didn't Bring You was short on concrete detail, 00:26:53.120 --> 00:26:56.570 align:middle line:84% but our hearts raced all the same. 00:26:56.570 --> 00:26:59.760 align:middle line:84% Actually, I've been writing some bad poetry all along as well. 00:26:59.760 --> 00:27:01.250 align:middle line:90% But now, it gets worse. 00:27:01.250 --> 00:27:02.570 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:27:02.570 --> 00:27:06.200 align:middle line:84% Ever after, most of my poems, even some quite good ones, 00:27:06.200 --> 00:27:08.990 align:middle line:84% will be called up by the relentless yearning 00:27:08.990 --> 00:27:15.380 align:middle line:84% after some man who doesn't want me, misery my muse. 00:27:15.380 --> 00:27:17.480 align:middle line:84% The other consequence, more disastrous 00:27:17.480 --> 00:27:19.730 align:middle line:84% to me if not to the literary world, 00:27:19.730 --> 00:27:22.520 align:middle line:84% is that I fall in love with my science teacher. 00:27:22.520 --> 00:27:28.730 align:middle line:84% A handsome, arrogant 24-year-old Navy veteran, Philip W. Natale, 00:27:28.730 --> 00:27:33.680 align:middle line:84% Jr. I scribble all over my papers and book covers. 00:27:33.680 --> 00:27:36.380 align:middle line:84% I go into a hectic trance at the sight 00:27:36.380 --> 00:27:41.510 align:middle line:84% of his cropped blond hair, the white moons of his fingernails, 00:27:41.510 --> 00:27:46.220 align:middle line:84% his smoky gray green eyes flecked with gold. 00:27:46.220 --> 00:27:50.240 align:middle line:84% I think this is what dying feels like. 00:27:50.240 --> 00:27:54.470 align:middle line:84% Desperate for his attention, I buzz and dart around his desk, 00:27:54.470 --> 00:27:58.400 align:middle line:84% respond to his questions with a newly mordant flippancy, 00:27:58.400 --> 00:28:02.720 align:middle line:84% erupt in fits of weeping at the slightest correction. 00:28:02.720 --> 00:28:05.210 align:middle line:84% Inexperienced and not awfully bright, 00:28:05.210 --> 00:28:09.890 align:middle line:84% he has no idea how to handle this scrawny 13-year-old fury, 00:28:09.890 --> 00:28:11.810 align:middle line:90% except by punishment. 00:28:11.810 --> 00:28:15.290 align:middle line:84% But no insults, no failing grades, 00:28:15.290 --> 00:28:19.895 align:middle line:84% no number of hours in detention can quell my desire. 00:28:19.895 --> 00:28:23.960 align:middle line:84% "He's mean to me," I record matter of factly in my diary, 00:28:23.960 --> 00:28:25.040 align:middle line:90% and I adore him. 00:28:25.040 --> 00:28:26.870 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:28:26.870 --> 00:28:30.770 align:middle line:84% A dangerous paradigm, this feverish and fruitless ardor 00:28:30.770 --> 00:28:33.110 align:middle line:84% that will enable me to write poetry 00:28:33.110 --> 00:28:35.180 align:middle line:90% only if I feel like death. 00:28:35.180 --> 00:28:38.620 align:middle line:90% 00:28:38.620 --> 00:28:42.940 align:middle line:84% April 11th, 1957, a gray afternoon 00:28:42.940 --> 00:28:46.240 align:middle line:84% windy and raw, I've missed the bus again 00:28:46.240 --> 00:28:49.330 align:middle line:84% and will have to walk the 2 and 1/2 miles home. 00:28:49.330 --> 00:28:51.640 align:middle line:84% My friend Buddy, who lives about half way, 00:28:51.640 --> 00:28:54.070 align:middle line:84% will walk with me as far as his house. 00:28:54.070 --> 00:28:56.290 align:middle line:84% But first, he wants to help some little boys fly 00:28:56.290 --> 00:28:58.000 align:middle line:90% model airplanes. 00:28:58.000 --> 00:29:00.070 align:middle line:84% I hang around at the edge of the playing field 00:29:00.070 --> 00:29:02.410 align:middle line:90% in front of the Buker School. 00:29:02.410 --> 00:29:05.290 align:middle line:84% Kenny Kopp and Jack Hoggard come by on their bicycles 00:29:05.290 --> 00:29:06.775 align:middle line:90% and stop to talk. 00:29:06.775 --> 00:29:09.910 align:middle line:84% And lately, I've been noticing Jack a lot. 00:29:09.910 --> 00:29:13.000 align:middle line:84% A tall, slim boy with even white teeth, a 00:29:13.000 --> 00:29:16.390 align:middle line:84% turned up nose, dark eyes, dark hair spilling 00:29:16.390 --> 00:29:18.190 align:middle line:90% over his forehead. 00:29:18.190 --> 00:29:21.040 align:middle line:84% He's only in the eighth grade but that's all right. 00:29:21.040 --> 00:29:25.390 align:middle line:84% There are only 10 9th grade boys to 20 girls and most of them 00:29:25.390 --> 00:29:26.170 align:middle line:90% are creeps. 00:29:26.170 --> 00:29:30.400 align:middle line:84% So the girls have been crossing class boundaries. 00:29:30.400 --> 00:29:32.830 align:middle line:84% Perched on the front wheel of Jack's bicycle, 00:29:32.830 --> 00:29:35.290 align:middle line:84% I chatter, and laugh, and toss my head 00:29:35.290 --> 00:29:38.110 align:middle line:90% in a burst of self-confidence. 00:29:38.110 --> 00:29:42.160 align:middle line:84% Suddenly from behind me, I hear an ominous crunch and whirl 00:29:42.160 --> 00:29:46.600 align:middle line:84% around to see Rupert Lilly's old humpback black Chevrolet 00:29:46.600 --> 00:29:50.530 align:middle line:84% rolling over the books I left at the edge of the drive. 00:29:50.530 --> 00:29:53.320 align:middle line:90% No one ever uses this drive. 00:29:53.320 --> 00:29:57.190 align:middle line:84% But here's pale, skinny Rupert, my art teacher, 00:29:57.190 --> 00:30:02.170 align:middle line:84% with grayer skin, grayish hair, a bobbing Adam's Apple 00:30:02.170 --> 00:30:05.980 align:middle line:84% above his grayish shirt, peering cautiously as always 00:30:05.980 --> 00:30:11.800 align:middle line:84% through his windshield as his tires bump front, bump back, 00:30:11.800 --> 00:30:14.590 align:middle line:90% bump over my books. 00:30:14.590 --> 00:30:18.700 align:middle line:84% "My books," I shriek, "why don't you watch where you're going. 00:30:18.700 --> 00:30:21.670 align:middle line:90% You squashed my books." 00:30:21.670 --> 00:30:25.390 align:middle line:84% His grayish eyes peer at me through rimless glasses. 00:30:25.390 --> 00:30:29.230 align:middle line:84% He's awfully deaf but too proud, or more likely, 00:30:29.230 --> 00:30:31.640 align:middle line:90% too poor to get a hearing aid. 00:30:31.640 --> 00:30:34.660 align:middle line:84% In fact, it doesn't cause real trouble 00:30:34.660 --> 00:30:37.720 align:middle line:84% except when he fills in as an organist at church, 00:30:37.720 --> 00:30:40.960 align:middle line:84% since his uncertain fingers are apt to slide one 00:30:40.960 --> 00:30:44.200 align:middle line:84% key over and produce whole phrases, even 00:30:44.200 --> 00:30:47.020 align:middle line:90% whole verses of cacophony. 00:30:47.020 --> 00:30:48.640 align:middle line:84% As a rule, his deafening, it simply 00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:53.080 align:middle line:84% means that he's seldom entirely certain what's going on. 00:30:53.080 --> 00:30:56.470 align:middle line:90% My wails penetrate though. 00:30:56.470 --> 00:30:59.750 align:middle line:84% "You shouldn't have left your books on the pavement," 00:30:59.750 --> 00:31:03.100 align:middle line:84% he says, in his mild rusty voice. 00:31:03.100 --> 00:31:06.010 align:middle line:84% I'm shivering with irritation and embarrassment, 00:31:06.010 --> 00:31:09.340 align:middle line:84% but Jack seems delighted by the incident. 00:31:09.340 --> 00:31:12.310 align:middle line:84% All along, he seemed on the verge of leaving, 00:31:12.310 --> 00:31:15.580 align:middle line:84% but now I settle back on his front wheel. 00:31:15.580 --> 00:31:17.770 align:middle line:84% And when Buddy's ready to leave, Jack 00:31:17.770 --> 00:31:22.690 align:middle line:84% walks along, balancing my books and his bike. 00:31:22.690 --> 00:31:25.810 align:middle line:84% The next day, six different people 00:31:25.810 --> 00:31:29.920 align:middle line:84% whisper to me that Jack Hoggard likes me, 00:31:29.920 --> 00:31:32.860 align:middle line:90% but I don't dare believe them. 00:31:32.860 --> 00:31:36.070 align:middle line:84% That would be like wishing for your own hi-fi with all 00:31:36.070 --> 00:31:38.230 align:middle line:90% the most popular 45s-- 00:31:38.230 --> 00:31:42.520 align:middle line:84% Blueberry Hill, and Party Doll, and Love Letters in the Sand-- 00:31:42.520 --> 00:31:44.080 align:middle line:90% at Christmas. 00:31:44.080 --> 00:31:46.660 align:middle line:84% You know you won't get them so you don't even 00:31:46.660 --> 00:31:49.480 align:middle line:84% let yourself think about them, otherwise, 00:31:49.480 --> 00:31:52.630 align:middle line:90% you die of disappointment. 00:31:52.630 --> 00:31:57.790 align:middle line:84% 7:10 PM, the telephone is for me. 00:31:57.790 --> 00:31:59.665 align:middle line:90% "Hi," says Jack. 00:31:59.665 --> 00:32:02.440 align:middle line:84% " You didn't believe I liked you, did you?" 00:32:02.440 --> 00:32:05.230 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:32:05.230 --> 00:32:07.180 align:middle line:90% "No." 00:32:07.180 --> 00:32:11.260 align:middle line:90% "Well, I do." 00:32:11.260 --> 00:32:14.635 align:middle line:84% This is how simple it is to get into heaven. 00:32:14.635 --> 00:32:19.090 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:32:19.090 --> 00:32:22.910 align:middle line:84% I live in heaven for about 10 weeks. 00:32:22.910 --> 00:32:26.680 align:middle line:84% During that time, Jack and I are nearly inseparable. 00:32:26.680 --> 00:32:28.420 align:middle line:84% He lives about as far out of town 00:32:28.420 --> 00:32:30.830 align:middle line:84% as I do but in the opposite direction. 00:32:30.830 --> 00:32:33.730 align:middle line:90% So ours is a restless courtship. 00:32:33.730 --> 00:32:36.520 align:middle line:84% We ramble through the weeks of forsythia, 00:32:36.520 --> 00:32:40.690 align:middle line:84% and then of apple blossoms, and then of lilacs. 00:32:40.690 --> 00:32:43.450 align:middle line:84% We talk as though we'd spent all our 13 00:32:43.450 --> 00:32:46.420 align:middle line:90% years under vows of silence. 00:32:46.420 --> 00:32:51.130 align:middle line:84% We hold hands and dance as we dance the forbidden way 00:32:51.130 --> 00:32:53.800 align:middle line:90% with our arms around each other. 00:32:53.800 --> 00:32:57.130 align:middle line:84% We go off into the woods and kiss. 00:32:57.130 --> 00:32:59.410 align:middle line:84% You can kiss for a long time, I discover, 00:32:59.410 --> 00:33:02.120 align:middle line:90% if you don't hold your breath. 00:33:02.120 --> 00:33:04.060 align:middle line:84% We lie in the new grass of a field, 00:33:04.060 --> 00:33:07.630 align:middle line:84% making whistles of blade stretched between our thumbs. 00:33:07.630 --> 00:33:11.160 align:middle line:90% We kiss some more. 00:33:11.160 --> 00:33:14.160 align:middle line:84% Suddenly, my stock goes up, a phenomenon 00:33:14.160 --> 00:33:17.820 align:middle line:84% that may serve as a kind of adolescent validation of Levi 00:33:17.820 --> 00:33:21.750 align:middle line:84% Strauss' theory that women are commodities whose value depends 00:33:21.750 --> 00:33:23.820 align:middle line:90% on their scarcity. 00:33:23.820 --> 00:33:27.420 align:middle line:84% Belonging to the handsomest and richest boy in the school 00:33:27.420 --> 00:33:31.330 align:middle line:84% certainly seems to confer desirability. 00:33:31.330 --> 00:33:35.640 align:middle line:84% Chef Abbott, whose love I'd have died for a year ago, 00:33:35.640 --> 00:33:39.210 align:middle line:90% is suddenly dying for mine. 00:33:39.210 --> 00:33:41.910 align:middle line:84% While Alan Woods and I are studying science, 00:33:41.910 --> 00:33:46.140 align:middle line:84% he kisses me unexpectedly and asks me to go steady. 00:33:46.140 --> 00:33:51.150 align:middle line:90% I feel giddy, giddy, giddy. 00:33:51.150 --> 00:33:55.110 align:middle line:84% Still somehow, I know to scribble in my diary, 00:33:55.110 --> 00:33:58.380 align:middle line:84% better enjoy it, it won't last long. 00:33:58.380 --> 00:34:01.650 align:middle line:84% I am not cut out for the role of what Granna refers to 00:34:01.650 --> 00:34:03.370 align:middle line:90% as the "belly of the ball." 00:34:03.370 --> 00:34:07.710 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:34:07.710 --> 00:34:10.350 align:middle line:84% All the world may love a lover, but that 00:34:10.350 --> 00:34:13.199 align:middle line:90% doesn't include parents. 00:34:13.199 --> 00:34:15.949 align:middle line:90% Our parents go nuts. 00:34:15.949 --> 00:34:17.960 align:middle line:90% They're never sure where we are. 00:34:17.960 --> 00:34:19.710 align:middle line:90% We keep wandering off. 00:34:19.710 --> 00:34:21.449 align:middle line:90% We show up an hour late. 00:34:21.449 --> 00:34:23.889 align:middle line:84% They take away our telephone privileges. 00:34:23.889 --> 00:34:26.580 align:middle line:84% Mother forbids me to use my bicycle for two weeks 00:34:26.580 --> 00:34:29.595 align:middle line:84% and instructs me to meditate on my sins. 00:34:29.595 --> 00:34:31.650 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:34:31.650 --> 00:34:35.260 align:middle line:84% Embedded in this cliche is the germ of the matter. 00:34:35.260 --> 00:34:38.880 align:middle line:84% They don't know what we're doing. 00:34:38.880 --> 00:34:42.120 align:middle line:90% We're kissing. 00:34:42.120 --> 00:34:45.210 align:middle line:84% I make one of those vows children make repeatedly 00:34:45.210 --> 00:34:47.760 align:middle line:84% in the face of parental injustice 00:34:47.760 --> 00:34:50.639 align:middle line:84% and break nearly as often under the pressures 00:34:50.639 --> 00:34:53.400 align:middle line:90% of parental responsibility. 00:34:53.400 --> 00:34:57.360 align:middle line:84% When I have children, I won't sniff suspiciously 00:34:57.360 --> 00:35:00.270 align:middle line:90% around their love lives. 00:35:00.270 --> 00:35:03.730 align:middle line:84% As it turns out, I'll make good on this one, 00:35:03.730 --> 00:35:08.190 align:middle line:84% so good as to embarrass myself silly. 00:35:08.190 --> 00:35:11.100 align:middle line:84% Coming home one afternoon, I see an unfamiliar bicycle 00:35:11.100 --> 00:35:13.120 align:middle line:90% in the front of the house. 00:35:13.120 --> 00:35:15.180 align:middle line:84% My son Matthew, who's been failing courses, 00:35:15.180 --> 00:35:19.290 align:middle line:84% so he's supposed to come home alone after school to study. 00:35:19.290 --> 00:35:21.630 align:middle line:90% "What's going on here?" 00:35:21.630 --> 00:35:24.090 align:middle line:90% I demand as I opened the door. 00:35:24.090 --> 00:35:28.590 align:middle line:84% Stepping inside, I see two pale bodies disentangling themselves 00:35:28.590 --> 00:35:30.810 align:middle line:90% on the living room couch. 00:35:30.810 --> 00:35:33.900 align:middle line:90% "Oh," I say, "I see." 00:35:33.900 --> 00:35:36.090 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:35:36.090 --> 00:35:37.890 align:middle line:90% I flee for the kitchen. 00:35:37.890 --> 00:35:41.040 align:middle line:84% Slowly pour myself a glass of seltzer water, 00:35:41.040 --> 00:35:46.970 align:middle line:84% dial my daughter's number, start to chat aimlessly. 00:35:46.970 --> 00:35:51.150 align:middle line:84% "Mom," she interrupts, "I'm studying for biochemistry test. 00:35:51.150 --> 00:35:54.376 align:middle line:84% Did you want something in particular?" 00:35:54.376 --> 00:35:57.030 align:middle line:90% "No, not exactly. 00:35:57.030 --> 00:35:59.618 align:middle line:84% I'm just trying to give Matthew and Poppy enough time 00:35:59.618 --> 00:36:00.660 align:middle line:90% to put on their clothes." 00:36:00.660 --> 00:36:02.140 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:36:02.140 --> 00:36:03.900 align:middle line:90% "What?" 00:36:03.900 --> 00:36:06.090 align:middle line:90% she starts to giggle. 00:36:06.090 --> 00:36:08.100 align:middle line:90% I start to giggle. 00:36:08.100 --> 00:36:13.470 align:middle line:84% Some years later, even Matthew and Poppy will giggle too. 00:36:13.470 --> 00:36:15.870 align:middle line:84% They probably thought the worst thing in the world 00:36:15.870 --> 00:36:18.360 align:middle line:84% had happened, getting caught having sex 00:36:18.360 --> 00:36:19.770 align:middle line:90% by your mother, right? 00:36:19.770 --> 00:36:24.890 align:middle line:84% But the catching, I assure them, is just as bad. 00:36:24.890 --> 00:36:28.548 align:middle line:84% Maybe parental suspicion is just a duplicitous form 00:36:28.548 --> 00:36:29.340 align:middle line:90% of self-protection. 00:36:29.340 --> 00:36:33.750 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:36:33.750 --> 00:36:39.090 align:middle line:84% Graduation from junior high, I wear a white organdy shirt 00:36:39.090 --> 00:36:40.020 align:middle line:90% waist-- 00:36:40.020 --> 00:36:43.650 align:middle line:84% who knows whose-- and it may be--a Mamie Eisenhower 00:36:43.650 --> 00:36:46.200 align:middle line:90% carnation. 00:36:46.200 --> 00:36:50.670 align:middle line:84% The June night is hot, is filled with mosquitoes. 00:36:50.670 --> 00:36:55.200 align:middle line:84% Mother has forbidden me to cry, but I do anyway. 00:36:55.200 --> 00:36:58.470 align:middle line:84% Sobbing into my sodden lace handkerchief 00:36:58.470 --> 00:37:01.230 align:middle line:84% until Dickie Russell gallantly offers me 00:37:01.230 --> 00:37:03.400 align:middle line:90% his more substantial one. 00:37:03.400 --> 00:37:06.990 align:middle line:84% One day, he will become a funeral director. 00:37:06.990 --> 00:37:09.720 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:37:09.720 --> 00:37:11.760 align:middle line:90% Pammy holds-- it's true. 00:37:11.760 --> 00:37:12.510 align:middle line:90% He is. 00:37:12.510 --> 00:37:16.860 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:37:16.860 --> 00:37:19.410 align:middle line:84% Pammy holds the graduation party in 00:37:19.410 --> 00:37:22.800 align:middle line:90% her spacious, shadowy backyard. 00:37:22.800 --> 00:37:25.140 align:middle line:84% Jack and I dance for a while, and then 00:37:25.140 --> 00:37:27.840 align:middle line:84% wander deeper into the shadows, where 00:37:27.840 --> 00:37:31.950 align:middle line:84% he holds me upright against his thin boy's body, 00:37:31.950 --> 00:37:36.555 align:middle line:84% and wipes my tears, and kisses me until I have to go home. 00:37:36.555 --> 00:37:39.750 align:middle line:90% 00:37:39.750 --> 00:37:43.110 align:middle line:84% Except for a handful of phone calls and casual dates 00:37:43.110 --> 00:37:48.180 align:middle line:84% a year later, which serve only to reopen my love like a wound, 00:37:48.180 --> 00:37:51.510 align:middle line:90% we are never together again. 00:37:51.510 --> 00:37:56.820 align:middle line:84% And I will not be happy again in just this way. 00:37:56.820 --> 00:38:01.710 align:middle line:84% You can only ever have one love, untainted, 00:38:01.710 --> 00:38:05.760 align:middle line:90% and untutored by loss. 00:38:05.760 --> 00:38:09.710 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:38:09.710 --> 00:38:31.236 align:middle line:90%