WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.486 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:00:03.486 --> 00:00:07.980 align:middle line:90% 00:00:07.980 --> 00:00:09.690 align:middle line:90% Hi, that was so awesome. 00:00:09.690 --> 00:00:11.970 align:middle line:90% Thank you so much. 00:00:11.970 --> 00:00:13.515 align:middle line:84% Raquel's like my new best friend. 00:00:13.515 --> 00:00:18.240 align:middle line:90% 00:00:18.240 --> 00:00:23.160 align:middle line:84% I'm going to fulfill the promiscuity genre thing 00:00:23.160 --> 00:00:25.170 align:middle line:84% by reading sort all over the place. 00:00:25.170 --> 00:00:27.240 align:middle line:84% Tonight I'm going to start with an essay. 00:00:27.240 --> 00:00:29.100 align:middle line:84% And then I'm going to read from this book 00:00:29.100 --> 00:00:31.565 align:middle line:84% and then read some new poems with a story 00:00:31.565 --> 00:00:33.405 align:middle line:84% and try and make that all possible. 00:00:33.405 --> 00:00:35.970 align:middle line:90% 00:00:35.970 --> 00:00:40.140 align:middle line:84% And also because I'm a total animal fetishist 00:00:40.140 --> 00:00:42.330 align:middle line:84% and I know some of you guys love animals-- 00:00:42.330 --> 00:00:45.720 align:middle line:84% and so if you love animals, you give money to animal things. 00:00:45.720 --> 00:00:48.240 align:middle line:84% And then you have thousands of animal calendars. 00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:55.020 align:middle line:84% So I've brought some animal calendars and some pig 00:00:55.020 --> 00:00:56.400 align:middle line:90% newsletters. 00:00:56.400 --> 00:00:59.600 align:middle line:84% And so if you guys want to get a book and signing 00:00:59.600 --> 00:01:01.350 align:middle line:84% it-- or you don't even have to buy a book. 00:01:01.350 --> 00:01:04.739 align:middle line:84% I'll give you an animal calendar and I'll sign it 00:01:04.739 --> 00:01:07.015 align:middle line:90% and a pig newsletter too. 00:01:07.015 --> 00:01:08.640 align:middle line:84% With the thought, you could give them-- 00:01:08.640 --> 00:01:11.700 align:middle line:84% you can get your richest friend to give them some money 00:01:11.700 --> 00:01:15.000 align:middle line:84% and then just live with animals all year. 00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:17.370 align:middle line:84% But I'm going to start with this essay called 00:01:17.370 --> 00:01:18.195 align:middle line:90% "Perverse Reading." 00:01:18.195 --> 00:01:23.020 align:middle line:90% 00:01:23.020 --> 00:01:25.855 align:middle line:84% There's a slant all over the place here. 00:01:25.855 --> 00:01:30.370 align:middle line:90% I think I'm visiting that area. 00:01:30.370 --> 00:01:32.690 align:middle line:84% I mean, I was in Berlin and I said something. 00:01:32.690 --> 00:01:35.040 align:middle line:84% And this guy said, would you write an essay about that? 00:01:35.040 --> 00:01:36.270 align:middle line:90% And I was like, no. 00:01:36.270 --> 00:01:39.020 align:middle line:84% And then somehow I wound up doing it. 00:01:39.020 --> 00:01:40.880 align:middle line:84% I think it's not even getting published 00:01:40.880 --> 00:01:45.380 align:middle line:84% but somewhere sometime, "Perverse Reading." 00:01:45.380 --> 00:01:52.510 align:middle line:84% The thing I will say about being young is I hated it. 00:01:52.510 --> 00:01:53.140 align:middle line:90% I was broke. 00:01:53.140 --> 00:01:54.560 align:middle line:90% My apartment was a mess. 00:01:54.560 --> 00:01:55.780 align:middle line:90% I shouldn't drink so much. 00:01:55.780 --> 00:01:59.320 align:middle line:84% I only stopped criticizing my body when I was doing drugs. 00:01:59.320 --> 00:02:01.540 align:middle line:84% And the thing I liked about the act of reading 00:02:01.540 --> 00:02:05.140 align:middle line:84% is that my body would get lost and I would go someplace else. 00:02:05.140 --> 00:02:08.440 align:middle line:84% The thing I didn't think so much about was the pages, so many 00:02:08.440 --> 00:02:11.380 align:middle line:84% of them turning, turning all the time as the moments passed. 00:02:11.380 --> 00:02:12.610 align:middle line:90% And I was free. 00:02:12.610 --> 00:02:15.290 align:middle line:84% If I liked a song, I would play it again and again. 00:02:15.290 --> 00:02:17.470 align:middle line:84% It didn't even strike me as peculiar. 00:02:17.470 --> 00:02:19.300 align:middle line:84% I remember one song that made me feel 00:02:19.300 --> 00:02:21.340 align:middle line:84% so elevated when I listened to it that I 00:02:21.340 --> 00:02:25.120 align:middle line:84% became this other person I called a Rococo wanderer. 00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:27.880 align:middle line:84% And she just roamed around in a bodiless way 00:02:27.880 --> 00:02:30.100 align:middle line:84% on the face of the Earth and saw things. 00:02:30.100 --> 00:02:32.440 align:middle line:84% The turning of the record created that. 00:02:32.440 --> 00:02:35.890 align:middle line:84% The black disk turning making time and mind. 00:02:35.890 --> 00:02:37.000 align:middle line:90% I was dreaming. 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:42.130 align:middle line:84% And the record was a chant though a petrochemical 00:02:42.130 --> 00:02:43.120 align:middle line:90% electrical one. 00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:46.210 align:middle line:84% It required I pay my bill, which I mostly did. 00:02:46.210 --> 00:02:47.920 align:middle line:90% But I hated paying my bills. 00:02:47.920 --> 00:02:49.690 align:middle line:90% And I hated doing dishes. 00:02:49.690 --> 00:02:52.490 align:middle line:84% I hated cleaning the cat litter again and again. 00:02:52.490 --> 00:02:54.530 align:middle line:84% I hated going down the stairs in my building. 00:02:54.530 --> 00:02:56.130 align:middle line:90% And I hated going up. 00:02:56.130 --> 00:02:57.500 align:middle line:90% I hated the subway. 00:02:57.500 --> 00:02:59.240 align:middle line:90% I hated doing my laundry. 00:02:59.240 --> 00:03:02.000 align:middle line:84% And though I liked watching it going around and around 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:05.420 align:middle line:84% once it was in and I could sit on the wooden bench dreaming-- 00:03:05.420 --> 00:03:07.040 align:middle line:90% I hated holidays. 00:03:07.040 --> 00:03:08.930 align:middle line:84% I hated them coming again, thinking 00:03:08.930 --> 00:03:11.030 align:middle line:84% of last year, my family wanting me back 00:03:11.030 --> 00:03:13.940 align:middle line:84% and the compulsiveness with which I went to them. 00:03:13.940 --> 00:03:15.650 align:middle line:84% I had liked going to confession when 00:03:15.650 --> 00:03:17.060 align:middle line:90% I was a practicing Catholic. 00:03:17.060 --> 00:03:18.540 align:middle line:90% I liked the relief. 00:03:18.540 --> 00:03:22.555 align:middle line:84% Though I confessed the same poems, sins again and again-- 00:03:22.555 --> 00:03:24.680 align:middle line:84% and when I said something different, it got weird-- 00:03:24.680 --> 00:03:28.730 align:middle line:84% suddenly it was about him, meaning the priest, rather than 00:03:28.730 --> 00:03:31.100 align:middle line:84% previous no one by doing nothing, 00:03:31.100 --> 00:03:32.480 align:middle line:90% just getting wiped clean. 00:03:32.480 --> 00:03:34.530 align:middle line:90% I stopped going. 00:03:34.530 --> 00:03:37.120 align:middle line:84% I started going to therapy about five years ago. 00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:38.640 align:middle line:90% I meant to go slightly before. 00:03:38.640 --> 00:03:40.650 align:middle line:84% But instead I got in a relationship. 00:03:40.650 --> 00:03:43.290 align:middle line:84% And mostly in therapy we talked about her. 00:03:43.290 --> 00:03:47.460 align:middle line:84% But my therapist pronounced her name funny, misgendering her. 00:03:47.460 --> 00:03:49.140 align:middle line:90% And I liked that. 00:03:49.140 --> 00:03:52.170 align:middle line:84% But he always forgot to use my correct pronoun, which 00:03:52.170 --> 00:03:53.250 align:middle line:90% I didn't like. 00:03:53.250 --> 00:03:55.590 align:middle line:84% When she was gone, we talked about me. 00:03:55.590 --> 00:03:59.610 align:middle line:84% And we arrived up on the great topic, which is the return. 00:03:59.610 --> 00:04:01.350 align:middle line:84% I've concluded that the reason rock 00:04:01.350 --> 00:04:04.230 align:middle line:84% stars die young is that they didn't want to do it. 00:04:04.230 --> 00:04:05.200 align:middle line:90% I did. 00:04:05.200 --> 00:04:07.260 align:middle line:84% I came in saying the reason I had come 00:04:07.260 --> 00:04:09.570 align:middle line:84% was this feeling I had that I was turning a corner. 00:04:09.570 --> 00:04:11.400 align:middle line:90% And I wanted help with that. 00:04:11.400 --> 00:04:13.950 align:middle line:84% My therapist would remind me that turning a corner 00:04:13.950 --> 00:04:15.780 align:middle line:84% was my request when I came to him. 00:04:15.780 --> 00:04:19.215 align:middle line:84% And instead we spent three or four years talking about her. 00:04:19.215 --> 00:04:21.690 align:middle line:84% It made me dislike her, though I certainly 00:04:21.690 --> 00:04:24.660 align:middle line:84% thought that was my definition of a relationship, 00:04:24.660 --> 00:04:25.830 align:middle line:90% being obsessed. 00:04:25.830 --> 00:04:27.480 align:middle line:84% And if I were a whiteboard, it would 00:04:27.480 --> 00:04:31.740 align:middle line:84% be about wiping me out daily and writing in her. 00:04:31.740 --> 00:04:34.480 align:middle line:84% We got to it in the aftermath of her. 00:04:34.480 --> 00:04:35.370 align:middle line:90% And it's this. 00:04:35.370 --> 00:04:38.370 align:middle line:84% He said, this point in my life-- and he meant late. 00:04:38.370 --> 00:04:39.900 align:middle line:90% I'm fairly late in the day. 00:04:39.900 --> 00:04:43.710 align:middle line:84% I think I'm like a rambunctious evening, in which you 00:04:43.710 --> 00:04:45.120 align:middle line:90% may or may not go out. 00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:48.240 align:middle line:84% But you've done everything before, some things a lot 00:04:48.240 --> 00:04:49.710 align:middle line:90% and other things not enough. 00:04:49.710 --> 00:04:53.220 align:middle line:84% And he was like, what is it that you haven't done enough of? 00:04:53.220 --> 00:04:55.080 align:middle line:90% And that's a big, open spot. 00:04:55.080 --> 00:04:58.590 align:middle line:84% And though I like to confess all, I want to say-- 00:04:58.590 --> 00:05:02.590 align:middle line:84% all I want to say is that that spot is and I can fill it. 00:05:02.590 --> 00:05:05.040 align:middle line:84% And that's what I'm doing right now. 00:05:05.040 --> 00:05:08.280 align:middle line:84% I remember watching Julian Beck cut vegetables 00:05:08.280 --> 00:05:11.310 align:middle line:84% in the kitchen with a good knife on a cutting board. 00:05:11.310 --> 00:05:12.480 align:middle line:90% That was a film. 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:14.910 align:middle line:84% And he was very important to the person who gave me 00:05:14.910 --> 00:05:16.830 align:middle line:90% the film, not so much to me. 00:05:16.830 --> 00:05:19.600 align:middle line:84% But that scene has stayed with me all my life. 00:05:19.600 --> 00:05:21.610 align:middle line:84% I dream that someone has a camera 00:05:21.610 --> 00:05:23.710 align:middle line:90% and follows me in the morning. 00:05:23.710 --> 00:05:26.980 align:middle line:84% It's like the Walter Mosley book I found on the sidewalk 00:05:26.980 --> 00:05:28.630 align:middle line:90% one night on the corner. 00:05:28.630 --> 00:05:30.790 align:middle line:84% It was bent, having just fallen out 00:05:30.790 --> 00:05:32.860 align:middle line:90% of somebody else's back pocket. 00:05:32.860 --> 00:05:37.030 align:middle line:84% I read it, feeling in love with the randomness of the gift. 00:05:37.030 --> 00:05:38.980 align:middle line:90% I hope the camera never comes. 00:05:38.980 --> 00:05:42.010 align:middle line:84% But I like the sensation of being alone with the thought. 00:05:42.010 --> 00:05:43.810 align:middle line:90% It's how I have a soul. 00:05:43.810 --> 00:05:46.480 align:middle line:90% And my dog has a soul too. 00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:50.200 align:middle line:84% Her soul wants to take the same walk again and again. 00:05:50.200 --> 00:05:51.580 align:middle line:90% We are lying in bed. 00:05:51.580 --> 00:05:54.280 align:middle line:84% And the thing that makes the day start happens. 00:05:54.280 --> 00:05:58.105 align:middle line:84% I'm mostly happy if I fell asleep reading 00:05:58.105 --> 00:06:02.600 align:middle line:84% or the last thing I did, turning pages rather than foisting 00:06:02.600 --> 00:06:05.420 align:middle line:84% all that electronic light into my brain. 00:06:05.420 --> 00:06:09.200 align:middle line:84% I fell asleep dull and in the private world of my book. 00:06:09.200 --> 00:06:10.575 align:middle line:90% OK, I might as well get up. 00:06:10.575 --> 00:06:11.450 align:middle line:90% And it could be 6:00. 00:06:11.450 --> 00:06:13.850 align:middle line:84% But it's mostly, most likely 8:00. 00:06:13.850 --> 00:06:15.800 align:middle line:84% I stick my glasses on and my phone 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:17.630 align:middle line:90% into the pocket of my pajamas. 00:06:17.630 --> 00:06:18.707 align:middle line:90% I go into the kitchen. 00:06:18.707 --> 00:06:19.790 align:middle line:90% And I look out the window. 00:06:19.790 --> 00:06:20.630 align:middle line:90% And I see the light. 00:06:20.630 --> 00:06:22.760 align:middle line:90% And then I put the water on. 00:06:22.760 --> 00:06:24.950 align:middle line:84% There might be dishes in the sink. 00:06:24.950 --> 00:06:27.290 align:middle line:84% My ex used to be passionate about cleaning 00:06:27.290 --> 00:06:28.190 align:middle line:90% the dishes at night. 00:06:28.190 --> 00:06:30.770 align:middle line:84% And I brought that regime into my life for a while. 00:06:30.770 --> 00:06:33.470 align:middle line:84% And indeed the emptiness of the clean kitchen felt great, 00:06:33.470 --> 00:06:35.450 align:middle line:90% but I don't have to do that. 00:06:35.450 --> 00:06:39.440 align:middle line:84% And I'll wipe a knife or a spoon while the water's boiling. 00:06:39.440 --> 00:06:41.750 align:middle line:84% About two years ago, I stopped drinking coffee 00:06:41.750 --> 00:06:43.100 align:middle line:90% and moved to green tea. 00:06:43.100 --> 00:06:46.400 align:middle line:84% It's a softer high and better for ritual. 00:06:46.400 --> 00:06:49.190 align:middle line:84% It's full of ritual, like a cigarette. 00:06:49.190 --> 00:06:51.270 align:middle line:90% The water boils. 00:06:51.270 --> 00:06:52.820 align:middle line:90% And I cool it for 2 minutes. 00:06:52.820 --> 00:06:55.070 align:middle line:84% And then I pour it into the kyusu. 00:06:55.070 --> 00:06:57.930 align:middle line:84% I wait 2.5 minutes and drink that tea. 00:06:57.930 --> 00:06:59.550 align:middle line:90% And then I do it again. 00:06:59.550 --> 00:07:02.190 align:middle line:84% The second time-- it steeps for three minutes-- 00:07:02.190 --> 00:07:03.540 align:middle line:90% is the third infusion. 00:07:03.540 --> 00:07:06.450 align:middle line:84% But I generally wait and drink that later in the day. 00:07:06.450 --> 00:07:08.310 align:middle line:90% I'm doing that right now. 00:07:08.310 --> 00:07:10.890 align:middle line:84% I just want to say as I watch my numbers shrinking-- 00:07:10.890 --> 00:07:13.240 align:middle line:84% and I mean the word count of this piece-- 00:07:13.240 --> 00:07:16.380 align:middle line:84% this piece is only so long that all the things that 00:07:16.380 --> 00:07:19.290 align:middle line:84% destroyed me in life, the horror of dailiness, 00:07:19.290 --> 00:07:23.250 align:middle line:84% I experience now with this neglectful respect. 00:07:23.250 --> 00:07:26.310 align:middle line:84% Perverse reading again and again, I find. 00:07:26.310 --> 00:07:30.720 align:middle line:84% I think of the hot day in summer many years ago in New York. 00:07:30.720 --> 00:07:31.890 align:middle line:90% I was living upstate. 00:07:31.890 --> 00:07:35.730 align:middle line:84% So I was in Manhattan in hot fucking August doing errands. 00:07:35.730 --> 00:07:37.320 align:middle line:90% And it was hell. 00:07:37.320 --> 00:07:39.060 align:middle line:84% I'm walking down St. Mark's Place 00:07:39.060 --> 00:07:40.620 align:middle line:90% in a pile of anxious dread. 00:07:40.620 --> 00:07:43.990 align:middle line:84% And I had the thought, it will always be like this. 00:07:43.990 --> 00:07:47.100 align:middle line:84% And I thought it again, it will always be like this. 00:07:47.100 --> 00:07:48.370 align:middle line:90% And it was cool. 00:07:48.370 --> 00:07:50.260 align:middle line:90% It was like air conditioning. 00:07:50.260 --> 00:07:52.200 align:middle line:84% Everything, everything was cooling. 00:07:52.200 --> 00:07:55.770 align:middle line:84% And with no notable exception, like I do fall into a pit-- 00:07:55.770 --> 00:07:57.450 align:middle line:90% but this is pretty much my life. 00:07:57.450 --> 00:08:00.720 align:middle line:84% This condemned dailiness, cutting, cleaning, 00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:03.330 align:middle line:84% jumping on the subway, going around and around, 00:08:03.330 --> 00:08:05.830 align:middle line:84% being watched and there's no one there at all. 00:08:05.830 --> 00:08:08.970 align:middle line:84% And the dog nods because she wants her walk, that walk. 00:08:08.970 --> 00:08:10.530 align:middle line:90% And we do it every day. 00:08:10.530 --> 00:08:13.350 align:middle line:84% And every day is exactly the same but different. 00:08:13.350 --> 00:08:14.370 align:middle line:90% I'm on a plane. 00:08:14.370 --> 00:08:15.690 align:middle line:90% And I've done this before. 00:08:15.690 --> 00:08:19.450 align:middle line:90% Listen, feel the lift. 00:08:19.450 --> 00:08:19.950 align:middle line:90% Yes. 00:08:19.950 --> 00:08:23.422 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:08:23.422 --> 00:08:27.900 align:middle line:90% 00:08:27.900 --> 00:08:29.720 align:middle line:90% Thank you.