WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.880 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.880 --> 00:00:03.490 align:middle line:90% Thanks. 00:00:03.490 --> 00:00:06.940 align:middle line:84% I've been in Arizona for two days 00:00:06.940 --> 00:00:13.150 align:middle line:84% now and traveling with Sandra, and we did a reading yesterday 00:00:13.150 --> 00:00:15.220 align:middle line:90% in Prescott. 00:00:15.220 --> 00:00:20.140 align:middle line:84% And I thought maybe down here I could escape 00:00:20.140 --> 00:00:21.880 align:middle line:90% the professional outdoorsman. 00:00:21.880 --> 00:00:25.420 align:middle line:90% 00:00:25.420 --> 00:00:28.600 align:middle line:84% It says that on the back of my book. 00:00:28.600 --> 00:00:33.700 align:middle line:84% I don't even know what a professional outdoorsman is. 00:00:33.700 --> 00:00:36.760 align:middle line:84% My publisher, who is a great guy, a great publisher, 00:00:36.760 --> 00:00:39.100 align:middle line:84% John Daniels out of Santa Barbara, 00:00:39.100 --> 00:00:42.160 align:middle line:84% thought that would be a great way to promote something. 00:00:42.160 --> 00:00:47.500 align:middle line:84% It would be a hook, and everyone's picked up on it. 00:00:47.500 --> 00:00:50.590 align:middle line:90% 00:00:50.590 --> 00:00:55.270 align:middle line:84% I was a park ranger, I was a game warden. 00:00:55.270 --> 00:00:57.460 align:middle line:84% I guess that's hardly professional, 00:00:57.460 --> 00:01:01.540 align:middle line:90% but I guess I got paid, so. 00:01:01.540 --> 00:01:04.340 align:middle line:90% Not very much. 00:01:04.340 --> 00:01:10.360 align:middle line:84% But I found that people who are looking for fiction 00:01:10.360 --> 00:01:14.260 align:middle line:84% don't pick up anything that says hunting and fishing on it. 00:01:14.260 --> 00:01:18.850 align:middle line:84% People who read hunting and fishing generally don't read. 00:01:18.850 --> 00:01:22.570 align:middle line:90% 00:01:22.570 --> 00:01:24.820 align:middle line:84% And so it hasn't been a great hook. 00:01:24.820 --> 00:01:29.020 align:middle line:90% 00:01:29.020 --> 00:01:35.440 align:middle line:84% The kind of-- I'm going to read a story tonight that's 00:01:35.440 --> 00:01:39.130 align:middle line:84% a hunting story, by the definition. 00:01:39.130 --> 00:01:42.140 align:middle line:90% 00:01:42.140 --> 00:01:46.960 align:middle line:90% There is a gun in it. 00:01:46.960 --> 00:01:51.160 align:middle line:84% But this is-- when I write for a magazine called Gray's Sporting 00:01:51.160 --> 00:01:55.570 align:middle line:84% Journal, and that's where I sell most of my hunting and fishing 00:01:55.570 --> 00:01:58.210 align:middle line:90% stories. 00:01:58.210 --> 00:02:03.415 align:middle line:84% They have very little to do with hook or bullet stuff. 00:02:03.415 --> 00:02:06.430 align:middle line:90% 00:02:06.430 --> 00:02:11.170 align:middle line:84% So I hope this example will prove that. 00:02:11.170 --> 00:02:14.170 align:middle line:84% And this is the story that got me down here. 00:02:14.170 --> 00:02:17.620 align:middle line:84% This is what I submitted into the contest 00:02:17.620 --> 00:02:22.150 align:middle line:84% and so this story brought me here. 00:02:22.150 --> 00:02:26.200 align:middle line:84% And it's called the Fairest of Them All. 00:02:26.200 --> 00:02:28.720 align:middle line:84% I hadn't heard the float plane, and suddenly Jean 00:02:28.720 --> 00:02:33.010 align:middle line:84% stood outside my door in a dark tailored suit, deep red hair 00:02:33.010 --> 00:02:35.380 align:middle line:90% falling all down her shoulders. 00:02:35.380 --> 00:02:39.130 align:middle line:84% Someone you'd expect to see walking into a skyscraper. 00:02:39.130 --> 00:02:42.400 align:middle line:84% She had to step back so I could swing open the storm door. 00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:46.480 align:middle line:84% Just that tiny retreat made me smile then wince. 00:02:46.480 --> 00:02:49.240 align:middle line:84% I'd never seen her back away from anything. 00:02:49.240 --> 00:02:50.710 align:middle line:84% Once the door was out of our way, 00:02:50.710 --> 00:02:53.650 align:middle line:84% I gave the float plane a wave, letting the pilot know 00:02:53.650 --> 00:02:55.300 align:middle line:90% we were all right. 00:02:55.300 --> 00:02:57.100 align:middle line:84% As he taxied off across the lake, 00:02:57.100 --> 00:03:01.030 align:middle line:84% Jean and I stepped together, half in the house, half out, 00:03:01.030 --> 00:03:02.800 align:middle line:90% and we hugged. 00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:04.720 align:middle line:84% She said, "How've you been, stranger?" 00:03:04.720 --> 00:03:07.210 align:middle line:90% at the same time I did. 00:03:07.210 --> 00:03:10.615 align:middle line:84% Then she took a big shaky breath and looked around. 00:03:10.615 --> 00:03:13.390 align:middle line:84% "This is some hovel, bro," she said. 00:03:13.390 --> 00:03:16.120 align:middle line:90% "Exactly what I expected." 00:03:16.120 --> 00:03:17.890 align:middle line:90% I shrugged and smiled back. 00:03:17.890 --> 00:03:20.710 align:middle line:90% "It's small, but it's dirty." 00:03:20.710 --> 00:03:23.185 align:middle line:84% "The roof leaks, but the windows are broken?" 00:03:23.185 --> 00:03:25.420 align:middle line:90% "Yeah, like that." 00:03:25.420 --> 00:03:28.780 align:middle line:84% We stood there smiling at each other, never 00:03:28.780 --> 00:03:33.610 align:middle line:84% so awkward in our lives until Jean said, "Mind if I come in?" 00:03:33.610 --> 00:03:36.250 align:middle line:84% We laughed a little then, but as I hung up her coat 00:03:36.250 --> 00:03:40.570 align:middle line:84% when I wasn't looking at her I said, "So how are you, really?" 00:03:40.570 --> 00:03:42.340 align:middle line:90% "I'm fine Jim. 00:03:42.340 --> 00:03:44.890 align:middle line:84% Twins are supposed to know that about each other. 00:03:44.890 --> 00:03:48.220 align:middle line:84% Has it been so long we've lost our ESP?" 00:03:48.220 --> 00:03:51.100 align:middle line:84% "Not even ESP can make it that kind of distance, Jean. 00:03:51.100 --> 00:03:53.470 align:middle line:90% Not through LA smog." 00:03:53.470 --> 00:03:55.750 align:middle line:84% She smiled at that too, even laughing 00:03:55.750 --> 00:03:58.930 align:middle line:84% about what she'd gone through to reach Alaska in one day. 00:03:58.930 --> 00:04:02.215 align:middle line:84% "Planes are supposed to have stewardesses, Jim," she said, 00:04:02.215 --> 00:04:04.510 align:middle line:90% "and big jet engines. 00:04:04.510 --> 00:04:07.600 align:middle line:84% And they're never supposed to land on lakes." 00:04:07.600 --> 00:04:10.570 align:middle line:84% Her smile faded and she sat down on the soft couch, 00:04:10.570 --> 00:04:11.560 align:middle line:90% sinking deep. 00:04:11.560 --> 00:04:12.355 align:middle line:90% She sighed. 00:04:12.355 --> 00:04:14.530 align:middle line:90% "I'm sorry, Jim. 00:04:14.530 --> 00:04:16.930 align:middle line:84% I was just a little freaked on the phone. 00:04:16.930 --> 00:04:18.579 align:middle line:90% I didn't mean to worry you. 00:04:18.579 --> 00:04:21.855 align:middle line:84% Just got so fucked there at the end." 00:04:21.855 --> 00:04:23.800 align:middle line:84% "Do you want I should have a word with him?" 00:04:23.800 --> 00:04:27.640 align:middle line:84% I said, talking mafia, touching the shotgun I'd been cleaning 00:04:27.640 --> 00:04:29.650 align:middle line:90% while I waited for her. 00:04:29.650 --> 00:04:31.085 align:middle line:84% She still managed to keep a smile 00:04:31.085 --> 00:04:32.710 align:middle line:84% and I thought maybe she really had just 00:04:32.710 --> 00:04:35.470 align:middle line:84% been blowing off steam when she'd called, 00:04:35.470 --> 00:04:38.230 align:middle line:84% crying and begging me to take her in. 00:04:38.230 --> 00:04:42.130 align:middle line:84% She'd never had to beg for that, not from me. 00:04:42.130 --> 00:04:44.230 align:middle line:84% She brushed her hair away from her face. 00:04:44.230 --> 00:04:46.150 align:middle line:84% "I couldn't believe the judge," she 00:04:46.150 --> 00:04:49.460 align:middle line:84% said, as if she'd been asked to explain. 00:04:49.460 --> 00:04:52.720 align:middle line:84% "Whoever heard of the husband winning child custody?" 00:04:52.720 --> 00:04:57.565 align:middle line:84% "Goddamn Californians," I said, a whisper of an old joke. 00:04:57.565 --> 00:05:00.030 align:middle line:90% "No kidding," she sighed. 00:05:00.030 --> 00:05:02.670 align:middle line:84% Just when I was afraid she might cry she stood up and said, 00:05:02.670 --> 00:05:05.490 align:middle line:84% "But don't give me any shit about LA smog. 00:05:05.490 --> 00:05:08.100 align:middle line:84% At least they've got heat down there." 00:05:08.100 --> 00:05:10.200 align:middle line:84% Still in her expensive courtroom suit, 00:05:10.200 --> 00:05:13.350 align:middle line:84% Jean bent down to the wood stove and started carefully building 00:05:13.350 --> 00:05:17.820 align:middle line:84% a fire, layering the kindling in so it couldn't help but burn. 00:05:17.820 --> 00:05:21.090 align:middle line:84% She surrounded the kindling with bigger sticks, Lincoln Log 00:05:21.090 --> 00:05:24.970 align:middle line:84% fashion, building a little home to burn down. 00:05:24.970 --> 00:05:28.710 align:middle line:84% I watched, tempted to tell her not to get herself dirty. 00:05:28.710 --> 00:05:32.130 align:middle line:84% Instead, when the flames had taken root in the walls, 00:05:32.130 --> 00:05:35.760 align:middle line:84% I walked into the kitchen and mixed a couple of drinks. 00:05:35.760 --> 00:05:39.720 align:middle line:84% We stayed up late, dodging around the custody fight, Jean 00:05:39.720 --> 00:05:43.080 align:middle line:84% only dusting off the barest bones of a court battle. 00:05:43.080 --> 00:05:46.140 align:middle line:84% She talked more of LA and her modeling work. 00:05:46.140 --> 00:05:49.020 align:middle line:84% She'd quit that a few years back to have the kids, 00:05:49.020 --> 00:05:52.710 align:middle line:84% but she talked now as if that had never happened. 00:05:52.710 --> 00:05:55.480 align:middle line:84% I figured whatever she wanted to talk about was her business. 00:05:55.480 --> 00:05:57.780 align:middle line:90% She asked most of the questions. 00:05:57.780 --> 00:06:00.180 align:middle line:84% She wanted to know how my guiding had been going, 00:06:00.180 --> 00:06:03.540 align:middle line:84% and I told her how I'd taken off in the last few years. 00:06:03.540 --> 00:06:06.930 align:middle line:84% I mentioned the names of a few Hollywood types I'd taken out. 00:06:06.930 --> 00:06:10.020 align:middle line:84% She knew a couple of them, and she laughed hysterically, 00:06:10.020 --> 00:06:12.120 align:middle line:84% saying things like, "That asshole?" 00:06:12.120 --> 00:06:15.090 align:middle line:84% Or, "That bitch can't fish, can she?" 00:06:15.090 --> 00:06:17.790 align:middle line:84% When she asked about it I told her, "No. 00:06:17.790 --> 00:06:20.880 align:middle line:84% I never told any of them you were my sister." 00:06:20.880 --> 00:06:24.000 align:middle line:84% She stared at me a moment, but she sounded more tired than mad 00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:27.980 align:middle line:84% when she said, "It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Jim." 00:06:27.980 --> 00:06:29.070 align:middle line:90% "Embarrassed?" 00:06:29.070 --> 00:06:29.850 align:middle line:90% I said. 00:06:29.850 --> 00:06:32.280 align:middle line:84% "Who said anything about embarrassed? 00:06:32.280 --> 00:06:34.440 align:middle line:84% Would have been tooting my own horn. 00:06:34.440 --> 00:06:36.660 align:middle line:90% I was never any good at that." 00:06:36.660 --> 00:06:38.595 align:middle line:90% She didn't look very convinced. 00:06:38.595 --> 00:06:40.170 align:middle line:90% "Besides," I said. 00:06:40.170 --> 00:06:42.360 align:middle line:84% "It would have been bad business, 00:06:42.360 --> 00:06:44.400 align:middle line:84% letting those women know my sister was 00:06:44.400 --> 00:06:46.680 align:middle line:90% the fairest of them all." 00:06:46.680 --> 00:06:49.470 align:middle line:84% That was something she used to ask when we were kids. 00:06:49.470 --> 00:06:52.230 align:middle line:84% "Jim, Jim, handsome and tall, who 00:06:52.230 --> 00:06:54.840 align:middle line:90% is the fairest of them all?" 00:06:54.840 --> 00:06:57.600 align:middle line:84% She asked about my love life now, and kidded me 00:06:57.600 --> 00:06:59.730 align:middle line:84% about my lack of it, saying how they'd 00:06:59.730 --> 00:07:02.430 align:middle line:84% be after me down in LA, what with me being 00:07:02.430 --> 00:07:05.320 align:middle line:84% the strong, silent, mountain man type. 00:07:05.320 --> 00:07:07.980 align:middle line:84% She said everything there depended on type. 00:07:07.980 --> 00:07:10.050 align:middle line:90% Type was critical. 00:07:10.050 --> 00:07:12.930 align:middle line:84% She asked why I wasn't taking any babes out fishing. 00:07:12.930 --> 00:07:15.930 align:middle line:84% "Those Hemingway girls maybe," she suggested. 00:07:15.930 --> 00:07:19.296 align:middle line:84% "They're into this outdoor stuff, aren't they?" 00:07:19.296 --> 00:07:22.170 align:middle line:84% I saw Jean was trying hard to be her old self, 00:07:22.170 --> 00:07:24.750 align:middle line:84% and I'd said, "They just left, both of them. 00:07:24.750 --> 00:07:27.360 align:middle line:84% And those had been a wild few nights." 00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:29.820 align:middle line:84% I said I'd had to kick them out early, telling them 00:07:29.820 --> 00:07:32.520 align:middle line:84% I had an even hotter one on the way. 00:07:32.520 --> 00:07:34.415 align:middle line:84% She got serious though, and said she 00:07:34.415 --> 00:07:35.790 align:middle line:84% hoped she hadn't screwed anything 00:07:35.790 --> 00:07:38.610 align:middle line:90% up by coming on no notice. 00:07:38.610 --> 00:07:40.320 align:middle line:90% I told her not to be stupid. 00:07:40.320 --> 00:07:42.375 align:middle line:84% I tried to be more careful of what I said. 00:07:42.375 --> 00:07:45.190 align:middle line:90% 00:07:45.190 --> 00:07:47.820 align:middle line:84% Even though we'd made it a late night, I couldn't sleep 00:07:47.820 --> 00:07:50.370 align:middle line:90% and I was up early. 00:07:50.370 --> 00:07:52.410 align:middle line:84% I built a fire and stood in the kitchen, 00:07:52.410 --> 00:07:55.710 align:middle line:84% looking at the day growing strong outside the window. 00:07:55.710 --> 00:07:57.430 align:middle line:90% The firs swayed in the wind. 00:07:57.430 --> 00:07:59.700 align:middle line:84% I should have seen it was bringing in some weather. 00:07:59.700 --> 00:08:02.910 align:middle line:84% I sipped coffee I'd made too strong because I wasn't paying 00:08:02.910 --> 00:08:04.950 align:middle line:90% attention to that, either. 00:08:04.950 --> 00:08:07.170 align:middle line:84% She snuck up on me, surprising me 00:08:07.170 --> 00:08:10.200 align:middle line:84% when she said, "Thanks for the fire." 00:08:10.200 --> 00:08:11.610 align:middle line:84% I could tell by her morning voice 00:08:11.610 --> 00:08:13.320 align:middle line:84% that she was surprised and pleased 00:08:13.320 --> 00:08:14.700 align:middle line:90% I would have thought of her. 00:08:14.700 --> 00:08:18.240 align:middle line:84% She'd always been that way in the mornings. 00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:19.800 align:middle line:84% "I know how you city girls are," I 00:08:19.800 --> 00:08:22.170 align:middle line:84% said, turning away from the window. 00:08:22.170 --> 00:08:25.260 align:middle line:84% She crossed the room, flushed from the shower, 00:08:25.260 --> 00:08:28.260 align:middle line:84% dressed sloppily in one of my own union suits. 00:08:28.260 --> 00:08:31.560 align:middle line:84% "Got to love that lingerie," I said, but even 00:08:31.560 --> 00:08:34.155 align:middle line:84% through the loose red cloth I could see her breasts sway 00:08:34.155 --> 00:08:35.970 align:middle line:84% as she poured herself a cup of coffee 00:08:35.970 --> 00:08:38.130 align:middle line:90% and dropped into a chair. 00:08:38.130 --> 00:08:42.730 align:middle line:84% I turned away and said, "It really has been too long." 00:08:42.730 --> 00:08:43.289 align:middle line:90% "I know. 00:08:43.289 --> 00:08:44.870 align:middle line:90% My fault." 00:08:44.870 --> 00:08:47.670 align:middle line:84% "Maybe you better chill out on the sexy stuff for a while," 00:08:47.670 --> 00:08:50.550 align:middle line:84% I said, wagging my finger at the Union suit. 00:08:50.550 --> 00:08:53.700 align:middle line:84% "At least until I can remember you're my sister." 00:08:53.700 --> 00:08:56.910 align:middle line:84% She laughed and cupped one of her breasts through the cloth, 00:08:56.910 --> 00:08:58.500 align:middle line:90% bouncing it up and down. 00:08:58.500 --> 00:09:01.860 align:middle line:84% "These saggy old things would drive anyone to distraction, 00:09:01.860 --> 00:09:03.090 align:middle line:90% I know." 00:09:03.090 --> 00:09:04.890 align:middle line:90% She was quiet a second. 00:09:04.890 --> 00:09:06.090 align:middle line:90% Maybe I blushed. 00:09:06.090 --> 00:09:07.947 align:middle line:90% "Jesus, Jim," she said. 00:09:07.947 --> 00:09:09.405 align:middle line:84% "You've got to get out more often." 00:09:09.405 --> 00:09:12.030 align:middle line:90% 00:09:12.030 --> 00:09:13.650 align:middle line:90% Than she let go of herself. 00:09:13.650 --> 00:09:15.795 align:middle line:90% "Milker tits," she said angrily. 00:09:15.795 --> 00:09:19.020 align:middle line:84% "You don't know what kids do to you." 00:09:19.020 --> 00:09:21.240 align:middle line:84% I couldn't think of anything to say after that. 00:09:21.240 --> 00:09:24.420 align:middle line:84% We sat in the quiet while the day grew to full light. 00:09:24.420 --> 00:09:28.290 align:middle line:84% Jean took a sip of her coffee and winced, looking at me. 00:09:28.290 --> 00:09:30.880 align:middle line:90% "I screwed it up," I said. 00:09:30.880 --> 00:09:34.380 align:middle line:84% "Still thinking about those Hemingway girls, I bet." 00:09:34.380 --> 00:09:35.550 align:middle line:90% "That's it," I said. 00:09:35.550 --> 00:09:37.050 align:middle line:84% But for a moment I couldn't remember 00:09:37.050 --> 00:09:39.120 align:middle line:90% what she was talking about. 00:09:39.120 --> 00:09:41.400 align:middle line:84% There was another long silence after that, 00:09:41.400 --> 00:09:44.220 align:middle line:84% as if we'd both forgotten how to talk. 00:09:44.220 --> 00:09:47.250 align:middle line:84% Jean broke the quiet asking, "What would you 00:09:47.250 --> 00:09:50.040 align:middle line:90% be doing now if I wasn't here?" 00:09:50.040 --> 00:09:50.730 align:middle line:90% I shrugged. 00:09:50.730 --> 00:09:52.830 align:middle line:90% "Nothing in particular." 00:09:52.830 --> 00:09:55.350 align:middle line:84% "Standing, staring out the window?" 00:09:55.350 --> 00:09:58.860 align:middle line:84% "Probably, if I'd stayed up drinking til two." 00:09:58.860 --> 00:10:01.310 align:middle line:90% "Still can't sleep late?" 00:10:01.310 --> 00:10:03.620 align:middle line:84% I shook my head, and turned to pour a little water 00:10:03.620 --> 00:10:04.760 align:middle line:90% into my coffee. 00:10:04.760 --> 00:10:06.560 align:middle line:90% It really was terrible. 00:10:06.560 --> 00:10:08.570 align:middle line:84% She held her cup out for some too. 00:10:08.570 --> 00:10:11.000 align:middle line:90% "Were you going hunting?" 00:10:11.000 --> 00:10:12.140 align:middle line:90% "I guess so. 00:10:12.140 --> 00:10:14.300 align:middle line:84% Try to get at least one trip into those ponds 00:10:14.300 --> 00:10:15.845 align:middle line:90% before they freeze." 00:10:15.845 --> 00:10:18.470 align:middle line:90% "Do you mind taking me?" 00:10:18.470 --> 00:10:19.520 align:middle line:90% I stared at her. 00:10:19.520 --> 00:10:21.620 align:middle line:90% "You really want to?" 00:10:21.620 --> 00:10:25.310 align:middle line:84% "I haven't shot in years, or paddled," she said. 00:10:25.310 --> 00:10:29.210 align:middle line:84% She tried her coffee again, wincing even with the water. 00:10:29.210 --> 00:10:31.200 align:middle line:90% "I think I'd love to." 00:10:31.200 --> 00:10:34.370 align:middle line:84% "I've still got your gun," I told her. 00:10:34.370 --> 00:10:37.895 align:middle line:84% She looked so surprised I had to say something. 00:10:37.895 --> 00:10:40.880 align:middle line:84% "Muriel likes to use it when she's up," I said. 00:10:40.880 --> 00:10:43.130 align:middle line:90% "Or maybe it's Margot? 00:10:43.130 --> 00:10:45.080 align:middle line:84% Tell the truth, I can never tell them apart." 00:10:45.080 --> 00:10:48.380 align:middle line:90% 00:10:48.380 --> 00:10:51.770 align:middle line:84% On the river, Jean held her old shotgun across her thighs 00:10:51.770 --> 00:10:54.470 align:middle line:84% like we used to as kids, and I crept the boat 00:10:54.470 --> 00:10:56.540 align:middle line:84% around the inside of all the river's bends 00:10:56.540 --> 00:11:00.380 align:middle line:84% and bays and backwaters, hoping to surprise anything 00:11:00.380 --> 00:11:02.690 align:middle line:90% that might be resting there. 00:11:02.690 --> 00:11:04.910 align:middle line:84% Time after time there was nothing, 00:11:04.910 --> 00:11:08.600 align:middle line:84% and she'd let out a long breath, putting her gun back in her lap 00:11:08.600 --> 00:11:11.000 align:middle line:90% and taking up her paddle again. 00:11:11.000 --> 00:11:13.370 align:middle line:84% I told her the ducks would all be on the ponds, 00:11:13.370 --> 00:11:15.410 align:middle line:84% but she'd never been in Alaska, and she 00:11:15.410 --> 00:11:18.260 align:middle line:84% thought every place was like the marsh country in Wisconsin 00:11:18.260 --> 00:11:20.180 align:middle line:90% where we'd grown up. 00:11:20.180 --> 00:11:24.020 align:middle line:84% At least that's how she wanted things to be now. 00:11:24.020 --> 00:11:26.180 align:middle line:84% Looking at her in the bow of my canoe, 00:11:26.180 --> 00:11:28.610 align:middle line:84% at the turned back sleeves of my wool shirts, 00:11:28.610 --> 00:11:30.140 align:middle line:84% and the little-kid-looking rolled up 00:11:30.140 --> 00:11:32.390 align:middle line:84% cuffs on my wool pants, I wondered 00:11:32.390 --> 00:11:34.850 align:middle line:84% if there was anything else I could have given her. 00:11:34.850 --> 00:11:37.790 align:middle line:84% She'd come all the way to Alaska with nothing but the courtroom 00:11:37.790 --> 00:11:40.760 align:middle line:90% suit she'd been wearing. 00:11:40.760 --> 00:11:42.712 align:middle line:84% By mid-afternoon we hadn't seen a duck, 00:11:42.712 --> 00:11:44.420 align:middle line:84% and we weren't being careful going around 00:11:44.420 --> 00:11:46.250 align:middle line:90% the corners anymore. 00:11:46.250 --> 00:11:49.490 align:middle line:84% I didn't talk at all except to answer her rare questions 00:11:49.490 --> 00:11:52.400 align:middle line:84% about the rivers in the ponds and such. 00:11:52.400 --> 00:11:54.950 align:middle line:84% I knew she hadn't come all the way up here to hunt. 00:11:54.950 --> 00:11:56.810 align:middle line:84% She wanted to talk about all of it, 00:11:56.810 --> 00:11:59.000 align:middle line:84% about the things she'd been screaming and crying 00:11:59.000 --> 00:12:00.860 align:middle line:90% about on the phone that night. 00:12:00.860 --> 00:12:03.830 align:middle line:84% So I waited, paddling when I had to, 00:12:03.830 --> 00:12:06.320 align:middle line:84% my ears straining a little in case something 00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:09.425 align:middle line:84% might start leaking out of her proud, broken world. 00:12:09.425 --> 00:12:12.050 align:middle line:90% 00:12:12.050 --> 00:12:14.570 align:middle line:84% We still hadn't made a sound, but a teal suddenly 00:12:14.570 --> 00:12:17.060 align:middle line:84% broke out of a side channel, three or four feet 00:12:17.060 --> 00:12:20.450 align:middle line:84% off the water straight away from us in our canoe. 00:12:20.450 --> 00:12:22.550 align:middle line:84% Jean changed her paddle for a gun 00:12:22.550 --> 00:12:25.100 align:middle line:90% and I hunched down, bracing. 00:12:25.100 --> 00:12:28.880 align:middle line:84% The blast emptied into the lowering gray sky, sounding 00:12:28.880 --> 00:12:31.820 align:middle line:84% small and hardly lethal in all that open, 00:12:31.820 --> 00:12:34.940 align:middle line:84% and she followed with a second, but the quick herky jerky 00:12:34.940 --> 00:12:37.930 align:middle line:90% flight of the teal never slowed. 00:12:37.930 --> 00:12:40.760 align:middle line:84% Jean lowered her shotgun and swore. 00:12:40.760 --> 00:12:42.980 align:middle line:84% I said something about taking it easy, 00:12:42.980 --> 00:12:44.990 align:middle line:84% she hadn't shot in years and years. 00:12:44.990 --> 00:12:48.050 align:middle line:84% "A hit would have been a miracle," I said, 00:12:48.050 --> 00:12:50.150 align:middle line:90% "not these two misses." 00:12:50.150 --> 00:12:52.130 align:middle line:90% She told me to go to hell. 00:12:52.130 --> 00:12:54.290 align:middle line:84% She insisted, through clenched teeth, 00:12:54.290 --> 00:12:55.970 align:middle line:90% that she was the lucky one. 00:12:55.970 --> 00:12:57.800 align:middle line:84% She said she'd always been the lucky one, 00:12:57.800 --> 00:12:59.030 align:middle line:90% and she was good at this. 00:12:59.030 --> 00:13:02.750 align:middle line:84% "Better than you," she added, glaring over her shoulder 00:13:02.750 --> 00:13:06.080 align:middle line:84% before turning back to the river and empty sky. 00:13:06.080 --> 00:13:08.570 align:middle line:84% She had been a better shot when we were kids, 00:13:08.570 --> 00:13:11.630 align:middle line:90% but that was a long time ago. 00:13:11.630 --> 00:13:15.080 align:middle line:84% Jean didn't pick up her paddle and I stared at her stiff back, 00:13:15.080 --> 00:13:17.600 align:middle line:84% at her wide shoulders, and instead 00:13:17.600 --> 00:13:20.480 align:middle line:84% of thinking about her temper I remembered when she first 00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:22.520 align:middle line:90% started to lift weights. 00:13:22.520 --> 00:13:26.480 align:middle line:84% I'd found her on my bench doing presses with just the bar. 00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:28.130 align:middle line:84% This was in high school, and her looks 00:13:28.130 --> 00:13:30.390 align:middle line:90% were already otherworldly. 00:13:30.390 --> 00:13:32.473 align:middle line:84% I was the envy of every boy in class, 00:13:32.473 --> 00:13:33.890 align:middle line:84% but I'd always ask, "What could be 00:13:33.890 --> 00:13:37.550 align:middle line:84% more useless than a sister that looked like that?" 00:13:37.550 --> 00:13:39.500 align:middle line:84% She glistened with sweat and between breaths, 00:13:39.500 --> 00:13:42.440 align:middle line:84% she said "The Mae West look is out, bro. 00:13:42.440 --> 00:13:43.940 align:middle line:90% They go for muscles now. 00:13:43.940 --> 00:13:45.830 align:middle line:90% Muscles and boobs." 00:13:45.830 --> 00:13:47.775 align:middle line:84% She'd always talk like that with me, 00:13:47.775 --> 00:13:49.400 align:middle line:84% and she'd always known exactly what she 00:13:49.400 --> 00:13:52.250 align:middle line:90% was going to do in her life. 00:13:52.250 --> 00:13:54.200 align:middle line:84% Jean still wasn't paddling, and the river 00:13:54.200 --> 00:13:56.690 align:middle line:84% twisted through a nest of weathered snags, 00:13:56.690 --> 00:13:59.930 align:middle line:84% splitting the water like broken gray teeth. 00:13:59.930 --> 00:14:02.690 align:middle line:84% I steered through them, coming close to a few 00:14:02.690 --> 00:14:04.880 align:middle line:84% without her helping from the front. 00:14:04.880 --> 00:14:06.980 align:middle line:84% The water curled around the branches 00:14:06.980 --> 00:14:09.680 align:middle line:90% and fell away grumbling. 00:14:09.680 --> 00:14:12.650 align:middle line:84% When I edged the canoe into the bank just downstream, 00:14:12.650 --> 00:14:16.280 align:middle line:84% Jean sat still for a moment, and I waited for her to move. 00:14:16.280 --> 00:14:19.775 align:middle line:84% "Are these the ponds?" she asked without looking. 00:14:19.775 --> 00:14:22.085 align:middle line:90% "Not 200 yards away," I said. 00:14:22.085 --> 00:14:24.035 align:middle line:90% "Right through the willows." 00:14:24.035 --> 00:14:26.060 align:middle line:90% "Want me to get out?" 00:14:26.060 --> 00:14:28.040 align:middle line:84% "No, Margo, I want you to sit there 00:14:28.040 --> 00:14:31.520 align:middle line:84% on that gorgeous ass all day while I hold the boat." 00:14:31.520 --> 00:14:34.280 align:middle line:84% And she laughed, too loud, really for as close 00:14:34.280 --> 00:14:38.510 align:middle line:84% as the ducks were, but it was a pretty sound in the cold air. 00:14:38.510 --> 00:14:41.540 align:middle line:84% I stepped out of the canoe and held it while she got out. 00:14:41.540 --> 00:14:44.840 align:middle line:84% The sand was stiff, but not quite frozen hard. 00:14:44.840 --> 00:14:49.160 align:middle line:84% "I hope they're still open," I said, wondering about ice. 00:14:49.160 --> 00:14:52.220 align:middle line:84% As we reached the willows, pinpoint flakes of snow 00:14:52.220 --> 00:14:54.410 align:middle line:90% began to sift around us. 00:14:54.410 --> 00:14:56.855 align:middle line:84% I touched Jean on the shoulder and pointed. 00:14:56.855 --> 00:14:59.286 align:middle line:84% "Bet you haven't seen that in a while." 00:14:59.286 --> 00:15:02.530 align:middle line:90% "Oh, we go to Aspen every year." 00:15:02.530 --> 00:15:05.080 align:middle line:84% She turned to me and lifted her eyebrows. 00:15:05.080 --> 00:15:07.225 align:middle line:84% It was the first slip she'd made. 00:15:07.225 --> 00:15:09.760 align:middle line:84% "I've kept in touch with the snow," she said. 00:15:09.760 --> 00:15:11.690 align:middle line:90% "And the cold, of course. 00:15:11.690 --> 00:15:14.290 align:middle line:90% There's always been that." 00:15:14.290 --> 00:15:18.610 align:middle line:84% A few of the flakes touched her head and stuck without melting. 00:15:18.610 --> 00:15:21.070 align:middle line:84% They weren't white then so much as icy blue, 00:15:21.070 --> 00:15:23.800 align:middle line:84% with all that dark hair behind them. 00:15:23.800 --> 00:15:25.390 align:middle line:84% Though she was a fair letter writer, 00:15:25.390 --> 00:15:28.360 align:middle line:84% I hadn't seen Jean for nearly six years, 00:15:28.360 --> 00:15:30.910 align:middle line:84% except on magazines now and then. 00:15:30.910 --> 00:15:34.150 align:middle line:84% There hadn't been many of those in the last few years. 00:15:34.150 --> 00:15:35.980 align:middle line:84% I'd almost forgotten how pretty she really 00:15:35.980 --> 00:15:38.650 align:middle line:84% was, not just the way the photographers can 00:15:38.650 --> 00:15:40.480 align:middle line:90% fake everything. 00:15:40.480 --> 00:15:44.150 align:middle line:84% She smiled at me and asked me what I was staring at. 00:15:44.150 --> 00:15:46.870 align:middle line:84% "I was trying to remember if I'd ever seen you without makeup," 00:15:46.870 --> 00:15:47.995 align:middle line:90% I said. 00:15:47.995 --> 00:15:50.716 align:middle line:84% "Enough to wake the dead, isn't it?" 00:15:50.716 --> 00:15:54.505 align:middle line:84% "Jeff Seymour would die to be here right now," I told her. 00:15:54.505 --> 00:15:55.690 align:middle line:90% "Jeff Seymour?" 00:15:55.690 --> 00:15:57.355 align:middle line:90% she asked, then remembered. 00:15:57.355 --> 00:15:59.260 align:middle line:90% "Jeff Seymour. 00:15:59.260 --> 00:16:02.290 align:middle line:84% My God, how can you remember people like that? 00:16:02.290 --> 00:16:05.980 align:middle line:84% I haven't thought of him in years, since high school." 00:16:05.980 --> 00:16:08.245 align:middle line:84% "I bet he hasn't stopped thinking of you." 00:16:08.245 --> 00:16:11.980 align:middle line:90% "Poor Jeff," Jean said, smiling. 00:16:11.980 --> 00:16:14.770 align:middle line:84% "He had a case of the Jeans for sure," I said. 00:16:14.770 --> 00:16:16.870 align:middle line:90% "Poor Jeff," she said again. 00:16:16.870 --> 00:16:19.480 align:middle line:90% "What a nutcase he was." 00:16:19.480 --> 00:16:22.480 align:middle line:84% We stood there and I saw Jean peel a small strip of bark 00:16:22.480 --> 00:16:24.430 align:middle line:90% from a frozen willow. 00:16:24.430 --> 00:16:26.920 align:middle line:84% When she caught me watching she said, "Ready 00:16:26.920 --> 00:16:29.980 align:middle line:90% to show me your famous ponds?" 00:16:29.980 --> 00:16:32.110 align:middle line:84% We followed a moose path into the willows, 00:16:32.110 --> 00:16:33.790 align:middle line:84% the dead leaves thick on the ground 00:16:33.790 --> 00:16:35.740 align:middle line:90% and loud underneath our feet. 00:16:35.740 --> 00:16:38.440 align:middle line:84% The snow kept up its slow, steady drift, 00:16:38.440 --> 00:16:41.710 align:middle line:84% and I was surprised how low and heavy the clouds were. 00:16:41.710 --> 00:16:45.040 align:middle line:84% They'd snuck up on me like they never had before. 00:16:45.040 --> 00:16:49.120 align:middle line:84% Maybe I had my own case of the Jeans. 00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:51.610 align:middle line:84% As we neared the pond, Jean smiled at the racket 00:16:51.610 --> 00:16:53.350 align:middle line:90% coming from the water. 00:16:53.350 --> 00:16:56.350 align:middle line:84% We sat a second and I asked her how many she could tell, still 00:16:56.350 --> 00:16:58.240 align:middle line:90% tell by their voices. 00:16:58.240 --> 00:17:01.330 align:middle line:84% She knew the mallard right off, and could tell the wigeon 00:17:01.330 --> 00:17:03.520 align:middle line:90% but couldn't remember the name. 00:17:03.520 --> 00:17:06.579 align:middle line:84% When I said it she slapped herself on the forehead. 00:17:06.579 --> 00:17:09.130 align:middle line:84% It was a sudden rip of honking, the deep bark 00:17:09.130 --> 00:17:11.500 align:middle line:84% of the male answered immediately by the higher 00:17:11.500 --> 00:17:13.390 align:middle line:90% call of the female. 00:17:13.390 --> 00:17:15.579 align:middle line:84% Jean leaned into me and whispered, "I 00:17:15.579 --> 00:17:17.170 align:middle line:90% can't tell a goose anymore. 00:17:17.170 --> 00:17:20.050 align:middle line:90% Bury me on the back 40." 00:17:20.050 --> 00:17:22.119 align:middle line:84% I took Jean to the head of an old beaver run, 00:17:22.119 --> 00:17:25.000 align:middle line:84% cutting like a trench to the water's edge. 00:17:25.000 --> 00:17:28.030 align:middle line:84% I told her if she crawled down until she hit water she'd 00:17:28.030 --> 00:17:30.100 align:middle line:90% be breathing down their necks. 00:17:30.100 --> 00:17:31.840 align:middle line:84% I told her I'd go around the pond 00:17:31.840 --> 00:17:35.140 align:middle line:84% so we'd have them between us, and then I'd stand up first. 00:17:35.140 --> 00:17:37.210 align:middle line:84% They'd all be going her way, then. 00:17:37.210 --> 00:17:39.760 align:middle line:84% "You'll have more shooting than you'll know what to do with," 00:17:39.760 --> 00:17:41.290 align:middle line:90% I said. 00:17:41.290 --> 00:17:43.810 align:middle line:84% She kept nodding without saying a word, 00:17:43.810 --> 00:17:47.470 align:middle line:84% as if she couldn't wait for me to leave her there alone. 00:17:47.470 --> 00:17:50.620 align:middle line:84% I went wide, keeping the willows between me and the pond, 00:17:50.620 --> 00:17:52.660 align:middle line:90% and I was able to jog a little. 00:17:52.660 --> 00:17:55.690 align:middle line:84% It helped me warm up after sitting in the canoe. 00:17:55.690 --> 00:17:57.670 align:middle line:84% I slowed when I turned back to the pond, 00:17:57.670 --> 00:18:01.330 align:middle line:84% and soon I was on my hands and knees, and finally on my belly, 00:18:01.330 --> 00:18:04.150 align:middle line:84% slithering through the tall dead grass, 00:18:04.150 --> 00:18:06.070 align:middle line:84% watching the grounded flakes melt 00:18:06.070 --> 00:18:08.740 align:middle line:90% when they touched my hands. 00:18:08.740 --> 00:18:10.750 align:middle line:84% I'd always hunted this spot alone, 00:18:10.750 --> 00:18:14.050 align:middle line:84% from the beaver run where I'd left Jean. 00:18:14.050 --> 00:18:17.380 align:middle line:84% Most guides will hold back a place or two for themselves, 00:18:17.380 --> 00:18:20.020 align:middle line:90% something safe from the clients. 00:18:20.020 --> 00:18:21.830 align:middle line:84% I'd never come in from this side, 00:18:21.830 --> 00:18:24.400 align:middle line:84% and it looked like an entirely different world. 00:18:24.400 --> 00:18:26.890 align:middle line:84% I wondered if I could do that to other places I knew, 00:18:26.890 --> 00:18:29.020 align:middle line:84% try them from some different direction 00:18:29.020 --> 00:18:30.610 align:middle line:90% and have them become new again. 00:18:30.610 --> 00:18:34.540 align:middle line:84% It would be like discovering untouched continents. 00:18:34.540 --> 00:18:37.270 align:middle line:84% I wondered if I'd ever be able to look at Jean that way, 00:18:37.270 --> 00:18:41.380 align:middle line:84% seeing her in some way I'd missed before. 00:18:41.380 --> 00:18:43.120 align:middle line:84% The grass led all the way to the bank, 00:18:43.120 --> 00:18:46.000 align:middle line:84% and I couldn't have gotten closer if I was invisible. 00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:49.450 align:middle line:84% I lay still, peering through the dead gold bars of the grass 00:18:49.450 --> 00:18:52.210 align:middle line:84% at the covered surface of the water. 00:18:52.210 --> 00:18:55.090 align:middle line:84% There were a few ducks milling about in front of me, 00:18:55.090 --> 00:18:57.490 align:middle line:84% anxious with the change in weather. 00:18:57.490 --> 00:19:02.170 align:middle line:84% Wigeon, pin tail, mallard, teal, scaup, goldeneye, 00:19:02.170 --> 00:19:04.030 align:middle line:90% just about everything. 00:19:04.030 --> 00:19:07.480 align:middle line:84% But on the other side between shore and the abandoned beaver 00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:11.300 align:middle line:84% lodge, a ribbon of geese strung across the water, 00:19:11.300 --> 00:19:14.020 align:middle line:84% even some on shore not 10 yards from where 00:19:14.020 --> 00:19:17.530 align:middle line:90% Jean lay hidden in her trench. 00:19:17.530 --> 00:19:21.220 align:middle line:84% I gathered my knees under me so I could go up all at once, 00:19:21.220 --> 00:19:23.080 align:middle line:90% and I stood. 00:19:23.080 --> 00:19:25.870 align:middle line:84% There was a moment, a quick second, maybe, 00:19:25.870 --> 00:19:28.360 align:middle line:90% when the pond just went still. 00:19:28.360 --> 00:19:31.575 align:middle line:84% The ducks made a few weak paddles turning to me 00:19:31.575 --> 00:19:32.950 align:middle line:84% as if they couldn't believe I was 00:19:32.950 --> 00:19:36.640 align:middle line:84% anything but an apparition, some trick of snow. 00:19:36.640 --> 00:19:38.890 align:middle line:84% Every goose's head came up at once, 00:19:38.890 --> 00:19:42.100 align:middle line:84% like periscopes, their necks stretched to the limit, 00:19:42.100 --> 00:19:43.960 align:middle line:90% dumbfounded. 00:19:43.960 --> 00:19:46.900 align:middle line:84% Then the stillness was over, the honking and flapping 00:19:46.900 --> 00:19:49.210 align:middle line:90% of the geese like an explosion. 00:19:49.210 --> 00:19:52.240 align:middle line:84% The ducks were everywhere, the puddlers leaping straight up, 00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:55.120 align:middle line:84% and the divers running across the water, building takeoff 00:19:55.120 --> 00:19:57.190 align:middle line:90% speed. 00:19:57.190 --> 00:20:00.370 align:middle line:84% I picked out a pin tail, because I wanted to show it to Jean, 00:20:00.370 --> 00:20:01.930 align:middle line:90% and I pulled the trigger. 00:20:01.930 --> 00:20:03.850 align:middle line:84% They were so close and tightly packed 00:20:03.850 --> 00:20:07.460 align:middle line:84% that the drake fell, as did two birds behind him. 00:20:07.460 --> 00:20:11.260 align:middle line:84% On my second shot a Mallard fell alone. 00:20:11.260 --> 00:20:14.260 align:middle line:84% The ducks were confused, circling the pond, offering 00:20:14.260 --> 00:20:15.910 align:middle line:90% shot after shot. 00:20:15.910 --> 00:20:18.160 align:middle line:84% I reloaded and glanced across the pond 00:20:18.160 --> 00:20:21.220 align:middle line:84% realizing I hadn't heard Jean shoot. 00:20:21.220 --> 00:20:24.160 align:middle line:84% I saw her, blurred a little by the snow, 00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:28.150 align:middle line:84% standing still, holding her gun at her side. 00:20:28.150 --> 00:20:30.190 align:middle line:84% The geese were already in a solid group 00:20:30.190 --> 00:20:34.730 align:middle line:84% flying south over the river, long out of range. 00:20:34.730 --> 00:20:37.100 align:middle line:84% I watched her standing alone, making no attempt 00:20:37.100 --> 00:20:39.550 align:middle line:84% at the ducks winging over her, and instead 00:20:39.550 --> 00:20:42.640 align:middle line:84% of shouldering my gun again I turned my back to the pond 00:20:42.640 --> 00:20:47.463 align:middle line:84% and retraced my steps, circling back to my sister. 00:20:47.463 --> 00:20:49.630 align:middle line:84% The snow was coming down a little harder by the time 00:20:49.630 --> 00:20:50.923 align:middle line:90% I reached her. 00:20:50.923 --> 00:20:52.840 align:middle line:84% She was standing at the end of the beaver run, 00:20:52.840 --> 00:20:56.710 align:middle line:84% the pond empty and still now, silent before her. 00:20:56.710 --> 00:20:59.200 align:middle line:84% Only the dead ones drifted on its surface, 00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:02.710 align:middle line:84% blowing our way with the wind that carried the snow. 00:21:02.710 --> 00:21:04.510 align:middle line:84% Jean wasn't crying, but there were 00:21:04.510 --> 00:21:06.280 align:middle line:84% the traces of the last of her tears 00:21:06.280 --> 00:21:08.740 align:middle line:90% across the plains of her cheeks. 00:21:08.740 --> 00:21:11.410 align:middle line:90% I whispered, "Jean?" 00:21:11.410 --> 00:21:14.860 align:middle line:84% She shook her head and turned away, hiding her face. 00:21:14.860 --> 00:21:17.800 align:middle line:90% "All those geese," she said. 00:21:17.800 --> 00:21:20.140 align:middle line:84% I touched her shoulder and she leaned into my hand 00:21:20.140 --> 00:21:22.120 align:middle line:90% until I was holding her up. 00:21:22.120 --> 00:21:25.510 align:middle line:84% "I was so sure I was ready to be a mother," she said. 00:21:25.510 --> 00:21:27.280 align:middle line:90% "You are a mother, Jean. 00:21:27.280 --> 00:21:29.335 align:middle line:90% The courts can't change that." 00:21:29.335 --> 00:21:32.050 align:middle line:84% "Just carrying them doesn't make a mother, Jim. 00:21:32.050 --> 00:21:34.510 align:middle line:84% You couldn't know a thing about it." 00:21:34.510 --> 00:21:36.040 align:middle line:90% "Tell me." 00:21:36.040 --> 00:21:39.130 align:middle line:84% "I don't know if there's anything left to tell." 00:21:39.130 --> 00:21:41.980 align:middle line:84% She dropped her head against my shoulder, both of us still 00:21:41.980 --> 00:21:43.810 align:middle line:90% looking toward the pond. 00:21:43.810 --> 00:21:46.870 align:middle line:84% The snow was thick now, dimpling the water. 00:21:46.870 --> 00:21:49.300 align:middle line:84% While Jean tried to talk I watched the dead ducks 00:21:49.300 --> 00:21:53.060 align:middle line:84% edge over to us, still a long way off. 00:21:53.060 --> 00:21:55.030 align:middle line:90% "He had videos, Jim. 00:21:55.030 --> 00:21:56.440 align:middle line:90% At the trial. 00:21:56.440 --> 00:21:59.050 align:middle line:90% I never even knew about them." 00:21:59.050 --> 00:22:02.410 align:middle line:84% For a second there was a flash, the barest violent outline 00:22:02.410 --> 00:22:07.150 align:middle line:84% of Jean with her small children, colored red, like her temper. 00:22:07.150 --> 00:22:11.560 align:middle line:84% I closed my eyes and whispered, "What kind of videos?" 00:22:11.560 --> 00:22:15.415 align:middle line:84% "Oh, the usual," she said, so casually that I winced. 00:22:15.415 --> 00:22:18.292 align:middle line:90% "When it fell apart, I did too. 00:22:18.292 --> 00:22:19.750 align:middle line:84% I would have gone with anybody if I 00:22:19.750 --> 00:22:21.940 align:middle line:90% thought they really liked me. 00:22:21.940 --> 00:22:24.040 align:middle line:90% Not would have, did. 00:22:24.040 --> 00:22:27.250 align:middle line:84% He had people watching me, filming it." 00:22:27.250 --> 00:22:29.560 align:middle line:84% I hugged her a little tighter, ashamed for what 00:22:29.560 --> 00:22:31.360 align:middle line:90% I've been able to picture. 00:22:31.360 --> 00:22:34.240 align:middle line:84% "They made quite the splash, believe me. 00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:37.660 align:middle line:84% That famous body, naked with all those men. 00:22:37.660 --> 00:22:40.660 align:middle line:84% My lawyer tried to get them blocked as inflammatory, 00:22:40.660 --> 00:22:43.750 align:middle line:84% but I think they all wanted to see them pretty badly. 00:22:43.750 --> 00:22:45.340 align:middle line:90% I left the courthouse. 00:22:45.340 --> 00:22:47.470 align:middle line:90% It was all over after that. 00:22:47.470 --> 00:22:50.680 align:middle line:84% What kind of a mother would a raving slut like that make? 00:22:50.680 --> 00:22:52.045 align:middle line:90% What kind?" 00:22:52.045 --> 00:22:55.100 align:middle line:90% "You're no slut, Jean," I said. 00:22:55.100 --> 00:22:57.865 align:middle line:90% "Oh, I think I am sometimes." 00:22:57.865 --> 00:22:59.650 align:middle line:90% "Well then, you're wrong." 00:22:59.650 --> 00:23:00.700 align:middle line:90% "Yes. 00:23:00.700 --> 00:23:02.620 align:middle line:90% Something is wrong. 00:23:02.620 --> 00:23:04.520 align:middle line:90% I really wanted to be a mother. 00:23:04.520 --> 00:23:06.880 align:middle line:90% I really needed to do that." 00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:08.860 align:middle line:84% She took a deep breath that quivered. 00:23:08.860 --> 00:23:11.440 align:middle line:84% "The modeling was about over, Jim. 00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:12.670 align:middle line:90% We're getting old. 00:23:12.670 --> 00:23:14.830 align:middle line:90% That's the worst type to be. 00:23:14.830 --> 00:23:17.240 align:middle line:84% I decided it was time to be a mother. 00:23:17.240 --> 00:23:18.700 align:middle line:90% That was my next step. 00:23:18.700 --> 00:23:20.950 align:middle line:90% I decided. 00:23:20.950 --> 00:23:23.900 align:middle line:84% Now what the hell am I going to do?" 00:23:23.900 --> 00:23:25.600 align:middle line:90% I didn't have any idea. 00:23:25.600 --> 00:23:28.840 align:middle line:84% I stood in the snow and she let me hold her a little while. 00:23:28.840 --> 00:23:31.030 align:middle line:84% Then she eased away, saying, "What 00:23:31.030 --> 00:23:32.860 align:middle line:84% do you say we get out of here, Jim? 00:23:32.860 --> 00:23:35.950 align:middle line:84% I don't like your ponds right now." 00:23:35.950 --> 00:23:38.260 align:middle line:84% I thought of how I'd saved this place for myself 00:23:38.260 --> 00:23:40.240 align:middle line:90% so it couldn't get ruined. 00:23:40.240 --> 00:23:41.890 align:middle line:90% I said, "Sure, Jean. 00:23:41.890 --> 00:23:44.500 align:middle line:84% I'll get the canoe and pick up the ducks 00:23:44.500 --> 00:23:46.480 align:middle line:90% and we'll get moving." 00:23:46.480 --> 00:23:49.180 align:middle line:84% "The canoe?" she said, smiling bravely. 00:23:49.180 --> 00:23:52.130 align:middle line:84% "You don't swim for them anymore?" 00:23:52.130 --> 00:23:53.650 align:middle line:90% I couldn't quite smile back. 00:23:53.650 --> 00:23:55.440 align:middle line:90% "Not in the snow," I said. 00:23:55.440 --> 00:23:58.018 align:middle line:90% "I'm too old for that now." 00:23:58.018 --> 00:23:59.560 align:middle line:84% I said I'd be back in a second, and I 00:23:59.560 --> 00:24:02.650 align:middle line:84% headed through the willows to the river. 00:24:02.650 --> 00:24:05.950 align:middle line:84% We'd swam for a duck once in Wisconsin, the first fall 00:24:05.950 --> 00:24:07.270 align:middle line:90% after high school. 00:24:07.270 --> 00:24:09.100 align:middle line:84% I'd hit him and he'd set his wings 00:24:09.100 --> 00:24:11.500 align:middle line:90% and crashed far out in the lake. 00:24:11.500 --> 00:24:14.350 align:middle line:84% I'd said I'd get the canoe and Jean teased, "Oh, just 00:24:14.350 --> 00:24:17.050 align:middle line:84% swim out there and get him, you big baby." 00:24:17.050 --> 00:24:20.240 align:middle line:84% For some reason I started peeling off my clothes. 00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:22.720 align:middle line:84% We got to laughing and before I knew what was happening, 00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:24.490 align:middle line:84% Jean was out of her clothes too, and we 00:24:24.490 --> 00:24:26.620 align:middle line:90% were racing for that duck. 00:24:26.620 --> 00:24:28.750 align:middle line:84% It was a pretty sunny day, but the water 00:24:28.750 --> 00:24:31.780 align:middle line:84% couldn't have been much over 50 degrees. 00:24:31.780 --> 00:24:34.780 align:middle line:84% I reached the duck first and threw it back to her. 00:24:34.780 --> 00:24:36.730 align:middle line:84% For a second she put its neck in her mouth 00:24:36.730 --> 00:24:40.490 align:middle line:84% and started dog paddling, but she started laughing too hard, 00:24:40.490 --> 00:24:42.220 align:middle line:84% then, and she threw the duck back at me 00:24:42.220 --> 00:24:44.290 align:middle line:90% and struck out for shore. 00:24:44.290 --> 00:24:46.600 align:middle line:84% She beat me back, and when I got there she 00:24:46.600 --> 00:24:49.840 align:middle line:84% was prancing around naked, hugging herself. 00:24:49.840 --> 00:24:53.860 align:middle line:84% We were still laughing, but swearing too, about the cold. 00:24:53.860 --> 00:24:57.520 align:middle line:84% Then Jean touched her nipples, rock hard and pointed. 00:24:57.520 --> 00:24:59.870 align:middle line:84% She laughed even harder and said, "Well, I 00:24:59.870 --> 00:25:02.400 align:middle line:90% guess the turkey is done." 00:25:02.400 --> 00:25:04.160 align:middle line:84% I hadn't seen her like that in years, 00:25:04.160 --> 00:25:07.790 align:middle line:84% since she'd started her modeling drive, and I looked at her, 00:25:07.790 --> 00:25:11.240 align:middle line:84% feeling suddenly lost, and I stopped laughing. 00:25:11.240 --> 00:25:14.240 align:middle line:84% She said, "You know, like those plastic things 00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:18.080 align:middle line:84% they put in the turkeys that pop up when they're done." 00:25:18.080 --> 00:25:19.640 align:middle line:90% I'd gotten the joke. 00:25:19.640 --> 00:25:22.550 align:middle line:84% That wasn't what I suddenly hadn't understood. 00:25:22.550 --> 00:25:25.640 align:middle line:84% I turned away from her and got into my clothes 00:25:25.640 --> 00:25:28.550 align:middle line:84% before the sun had a chance to dry me. 00:25:28.550 --> 00:25:31.460 align:middle line:84% Behind me I could hear Jean doing the same. 00:25:31.460 --> 00:25:33.860 align:middle line:84% She went to New York later that month, 00:25:33.860 --> 00:25:35.570 align:middle line:84% and though I saw her after that, that 00:25:35.570 --> 00:25:38.300 align:middle line:90% was our last hunt together. 00:25:38.300 --> 00:25:41.660 align:middle line:84% I'd forgotten all about it until she mentioned the swimming. 00:25:41.660 --> 00:25:43.760 align:middle line:90% Now it was clear as yesterday. 00:25:43.760 --> 00:25:46.160 align:middle line:84% I couldn't get over how absolutely perfect 00:25:46.160 --> 00:25:48.170 align:middle line:90% she had been. 00:25:48.170 --> 00:25:50.510 align:middle line:84% I went back to her with a canoe over my head, 00:25:50.510 --> 00:25:53.090 align:middle line:84% crashing through the willows and calling her name so she 00:25:53.090 --> 00:25:55.070 align:middle line:90% wouldn't think I was a moose. 00:25:55.070 --> 00:25:57.230 align:middle line:84% When I was out of the brush I swung in a canoe down 00:25:57.230 --> 00:25:59.060 align:middle line:90% and I saw her. 00:25:59.060 --> 00:26:02.790 align:middle line:84% She was sitting on the bank, knees drawn tight to her chest, 00:26:02.790 --> 00:26:07.220 align:middle line:84% arms wrapped around her legs, shivering, naked as could be. 00:26:07.220 --> 00:26:09.920 align:middle line:84% Her hair clung to her head and wrapped around her neck, 00:26:09.920 --> 00:26:13.640 align:middle line:84% tracing the path of her spine, water still snaking down 00:26:13.640 --> 00:26:14.780 align:middle line:90% her back. 00:26:14.780 --> 00:26:18.440 align:middle line:84% Beside her the four ducks were stretched in a neat row. 00:26:18.440 --> 00:26:21.230 align:middle line:90% "Oh Jesus, Jean," I blurted. 00:26:21.230 --> 00:26:23.360 align:middle line:84% I took off my coat and threw it on her. 00:26:23.360 --> 00:26:26.270 align:middle line:84% She gave a weak smile, her lips blue. 00:26:26.270 --> 00:26:27.950 align:middle line:84% "What the hell are you trying to do?" 00:26:27.950 --> 00:26:28.970 align:middle line:90% I said too loudly. 00:26:28.970 --> 00:26:30.740 align:middle line:90% "You trying to kill yourself? 00:26:30.740 --> 00:26:33.260 align:middle line:90% This isn't Wisconsin, Jean." 00:26:33.260 --> 00:26:36.095 align:middle line:84% She just shrugged at me and her teeth chattered. 00:26:36.095 --> 00:26:39.530 align:middle line:84% "Jesus, Jean, it's 20 degrees out." 00:26:39.530 --> 00:26:42.762 align:middle line:84% "I didn't want to be too old anymore," she said. 00:26:42.762 --> 00:26:44.720 align:middle line:84% As soon as I'd seen her I'd started tearing out 00:26:44.720 --> 00:26:47.990 align:middle line:84% handfuls of grass and I piled them together and broke down 00:26:47.990 --> 00:26:49.670 align:middle line:90% some of the dead willow. 00:26:49.670 --> 00:26:52.100 align:middle line:84% There were old beaver sticks along the banks, too, 00:26:52.100 --> 00:26:53.960 align:middle line:90% and I piled those on. 00:26:53.960 --> 00:26:57.320 align:middle line:84% The grass went like lightning when I touched the match to it. 00:26:57.320 --> 00:26:59.630 align:middle line:90% "Jesus, Jean," I said again. 00:26:59.630 --> 00:27:02.270 align:middle line:84% I helped her up and walked her to the fire. 00:27:02.270 --> 00:27:05.930 align:middle line:84% It burned wildly, dancing through the long dried wood, 00:27:05.930 --> 00:27:08.600 align:middle line:90% melting the snow and the sky. 00:27:08.600 --> 00:27:11.150 align:middle line:84% Jean just stood beside it, and I turned her now and then 00:27:11.150 --> 00:27:13.340 align:middle line:90% until she stopped shivering. 00:27:13.340 --> 00:27:15.110 align:middle line:84% I looked to make sure she was dry, 00:27:15.110 --> 00:27:17.060 align:middle line:84% and I got her long johns from the neat pile 00:27:17.060 --> 00:27:20.523 align:middle line:84% of clothing she'd left at the bank beside the ducks. 00:27:20.523 --> 00:27:21.440 align:middle line:90% "Are you warm enough?" 00:27:21.440 --> 00:27:22.730 align:middle line:90% I asked. 00:27:22.730 --> 00:27:23.630 align:middle line:90% "Yes," she said. 00:27:23.630 --> 00:27:25.970 align:middle line:90% "Thanks." 00:27:25.970 --> 00:27:27.470 align:middle line:84% I held the union suit out, but she 00:27:27.470 --> 00:27:29.345 align:middle line:90% was looking down at herself. 00:27:29.345 --> 00:27:32.570 align:middle line:84% "Look at these." she said, and I followed her point 00:27:32.570 --> 00:27:36.140 align:middle line:84% to the ragged red quilt work of stretch marks 00:27:36.140 --> 00:27:38.390 align:middle line:90% along her sides and belly. 00:27:38.390 --> 00:27:40.340 align:middle line:84% I went behind her and lifted a leg 00:27:40.340 --> 00:27:42.590 align:middle line:84% and slipped the red cloth around it. 00:27:42.590 --> 00:27:44.150 align:middle line:84% I did the same with her other foot 00:27:44.150 --> 00:27:46.970 align:middle line:84% and pulled the underwear up her long body. 00:27:46.970 --> 00:27:49.670 align:middle line:84% I grabbed an arm and shoved it through the sleeve. 00:27:49.670 --> 00:27:51.860 align:middle line:84% She reached her other arm out, like a lady 00:27:51.860 --> 00:27:53.510 align:middle line:90% being helped with a coat. 00:27:53.510 --> 00:27:56.367 align:middle line:84% I slipped a sleeve over her hand. 00:27:56.367 --> 00:27:58.700 align:middle line:84% I came around front, but she was buttoning the underwear 00:27:58.700 --> 00:28:00.815 align:middle line:90% herself, mechanically. 00:28:00.815 --> 00:28:03.905 align:middle line:84% "My children have made me hideous," she whispered. 00:28:03.905 --> 00:28:06.110 align:middle line:84% "God, you can talk some shit," I swore. 00:28:06.110 --> 00:28:09.890 align:middle line:84% "You're the most perfect thing I've ever imagined." 00:28:09.890 --> 00:28:12.080 align:middle line:90% Jean smiled then, looked at me. 00:28:12.080 --> 00:28:13.910 align:middle line:90% "You know, Jim?" she said. 00:28:13.910 --> 00:28:15.855 align:middle line:84% "Ever since I was a little girl, I always 00:28:15.855 --> 00:28:17.480 align:middle line:84% thought it was such a shame we couldn't 00:28:17.480 --> 00:28:19.840 align:middle line:90% get married, you and I." 00:28:19.840 --> 00:28:23.300 align:middle line:84% I smiled a little then too, surprised. 00:28:23.300 --> 00:28:25.340 align:middle line:90% "Me too," I said. 00:28:25.340 --> 00:28:27.770 align:middle line:90% "Is that why you've waited?" 00:28:27.770 --> 00:28:29.270 align:middle line:90% "Oh, for Christ's sakes. 00:28:29.270 --> 00:28:31.610 align:middle line:90% No, I haven't waited." 00:28:31.610 --> 00:28:34.550 align:middle line:84% She stepped forward and hugged me hard. 00:28:34.550 --> 00:28:36.325 align:middle line:90% I could feel the bones of her. 00:28:36.325 --> 00:28:39.770 align:middle line:84% "I love you," she said, adding "bro." 00:28:39.770 --> 00:28:41.990 align:middle line:90% "Me too," I whispered. 00:28:41.990 --> 00:28:43.760 align:middle line:84% I made myself break out of the hug 00:28:43.760 --> 00:28:45.860 align:middle line:84% and I picked up her pants, my hands 00:28:45.860 --> 00:28:49.312 align:middle line:84% trembling as I held a leg for her to step through. 00:28:49.312 --> 00:28:51.770 align:middle line:84% I could feel her looking at me, but she didn't say anything 00:28:51.770 --> 00:28:54.920 align:middle line:84% before she put her foot through the pants leg, 00:28:54.920 --> 00:28:59.030 align:middle line:84% then she whispered, "Jim, Jim, handsome and tall, 00:28:59.030 --> 00:29:01.670 align:middle line:90% who is the fairest of them all?" 00:29:01.670 --> 00:29:03.440 align:middle line:84% And she laughed a little, I think, 00:29:03.440 --> 00:29:05.180 align:middle line:90% some kind of sound like that. 00:29:05.180 --> 00:29:09.000 align:middle line:84% "God," she said, "how did you ever get away?" 00:29:09.000 --> 00:29:11.722 align:middle line:84% It was the last thing I wanted to do. 00:29:11.722 --> 00:29:13.430 align:middle line:84% She let that her hand rest on my shoulder 00:29:13.430 --> 00:29:16.460 align:middle line:84% and she said, "They mate for life, don't they? 00:29:16.460 --> 00:29:18.140 align:middle line:90% The geese." 00:29:18.140 --> 00:29:20.210 align:middle line:84% I said, "Yes, they do," and I thought of her 00:29:20.210 --> 00:29:23.180 align:middle line:84% in the snow holding her shotgun at her side 00:29:23.180 --> 00:29:26.315 align:middle line:84% while the geese flew so determinedly away from her. 00:29:26.315 --> 00:29:28.465 align:middle line:84% "Do you remember back in Wisconsin, 00:29:28.465 --> 00:29:30.590 align:middle line:84% when we'd sit in the blind and hope the geese would 00:29:30.590 --> 00:29:32.420 align:middle line:90% come into our duck decoys?" 00:29:32.420 --> 00:29:33.425 align:middle line:90% she said. 00:29:33.425 --> 00:29:36.095 align:middle line:84% "Sometimes they'd come so close you'd whisper. 00:29:36.095 --> 00:29:38.690 align:middle line:90% 'Now if they'll just turn.' 00:29:38.690 --> 00:29:42.230 align:middle line:84% But they never once made that wrong turn, did they?" 00:29:42.230 --> 00:29:44.315 align:middle line:90% "No," I said, "they didn't." 00:29:44.315 --> 00:29:47.780 align:middle line:84% "Even then I wished I was a goose," Jean said. 00:29:47.780 --> 00:29:49.315 align:middle line:90% She took her hand away from me. 00:29:49.315 --> 00:29:50.690 align:middle line:84% "Remember the time I wouldn't let 00:29:50.690 --> 00:29:52.655 align:middle line:90% you shoot that one by itself?" 00:29:52.655 --> 00:29:54.980 align:middle line:90% "You said he was too beautiful." 00:29:54.980 --> 00:29:56.675 align:middle line:90% She laughed weakly. 00:29:56.675 --> 00:30:00.090 align:middle line:84% "At night I think how I was just like that goose. 00:30:00.090 --> 00:30:04.710 align:middle line:84% I knew I was that beautiful, and I thought I was that smart." 00:30:04.710 --> 00:30:05.610 align:middle line:90% She shook her head. 00:30:05.610 --> 00:30:07.800 align:middle line:90% "God, I was obnoxious. 00:30:07.800 --> 00:30:09.330 align:middle line:90% But I thought I had that. 00:30:09.330 --> 00:30:11.490 align:middle line:90% I thought all of that. 00:30:11.490 --> 00:30:13.485 align:middle line:84% "I would have thought it for you if it hadn't." 00:30:13.485 --> 00:30:16.230 align:middle line:84% "It was a long time before I realized 00:30:16.230 --> 00:30:18.840 align:middle line:90% I wasn't like that, Jim." 00:30:18.840 --> 00:30:20.370 align:middle line:84% I picked at the nearly frozen dirt 00:30:20.370 --> 00:30:22.380 align:middle line:84% while Jean stood inches behind me. 00:30:22.380 --> 00:30:25.090 align:middle line:90% "Nobody's like that, Jean." 00:30:25.090 --> 00:30:27.330 align:middle line:90% "I was." 00:30:27.330 --> 00:30:28.980 align:middle line:90% "Well, welcome back," I said. 00:30:28.980 --> 00:30:32.010 align:middle line:84% "I'd rather have a sister than a goose, anyway." 00:30:32.010 --> 00:30:33.780 align:middle line:84% I stood and held out her coat, and she 00:30:33.780 --> 00:30:35.940 align:middle line:90% turned to let me help her. 00:30:35.940 --> 00:30:37.650 align:middle line:84% I smoothed the coat over her shoulders 00:30:37.650 --> 00:30:40.815 align:middle line:84% and turned up the collar, lifting her wet hair over it. 00:30:40.815 --> 00:30:43.680 align:middle line:84% "We better be going, Jean," I said. 00:30:43.680 --> 00:30:45.810 align:middle line:84% "I still wish I was a goose, Jim. 00:30:45.810 --> 00:30:47.850 align:middle line:90% Mated for life." 00:30:47.850 --> 00:30:49.680 align:middle line:84% I ran her heavy hair through my fingers 00:30:49.680 --> 00:30:51.850 align:middle line:90% but couldn't say anything. 00:30:51.850 --> 00:30:53.940 align:middle line:84% I turned and picked up the canoe. 00:30:53.940 --> 00:30:56.340 align:middle line:84% She followed me, but with the canoe scraping 00:30:56.340 --> 00:30:59.430 align:middle line:84% against the willows it was hard to hear when she spoke. 00:30:59.430 --> 00:31:01.290 align:middle line:90% I shouted, "What?" 00:31:01.290 --> 00:31:04.600 align:middle line:84% She ducked under the canoe with me and said, "My kids. 00:31:04.600 --> 00:31:06.270 align:middle line:90% I didn't mean the way I looked. 00:31:06.270 --> 00:31:09.150 align:middle line:84% I didn't mean that's what they'd done to me." 00:31:09.150 --> 00:31:11.700 align:middle line:84% I waited and then said, "What did you mean?" 00:31:11.700 --> 00:31:13.540 align:middle line:90% But she didn't answer. 00:31:13.540 --> 00:31:16.510 align:middle line:84% She said, "It sounds funny under here, doesn't it? 00:31:16.510 --> 00:31:18.225 align:middle line:90% Like everything's hollow." 00:31:18.225 --> 00:31:20.365 align:middle line:90% "It's always like that." 00:31:20.365 --> 00:31:22.740 align:middle line:84% "I would have liked to have heard that before," she said. 00:31:22.740 --> 00:31:24.523 align:middle line:90% "That empty sound. 00:31:24.523 --> 00:31:26.190 align:middle line:84% When it didn't mean anything except that 00:31:26.190 --> 00:31:28.985 align:middle line:90% I had a canoe on my head." 00:31:28.985 --> 00:31:31.110 align:middle line:84% I told her to watch out, and I swung the canoe down 00:31:31.110 --> 00:31:32.820 align:middle line:90% on the edge of the river. 00:31:32.820 --> 00:31:35.760 align:middle line:84% I pushed the boat into the current and held it. 00:31:35.760 --> 00:31:38.010 align:middle line:84% Jean picked up her paddle from the bushes 00:31:38.010 --> 00:31:41.940 align:middle line:84% and stepped into the back seat, the guide's position. 00:31:41.940 --> 00:31:45.420 align:middle line:84% I started to say something, but she just said, "Let me steer. 00:31:45.420 --> 00:31:48.840 align:middle line:90% I haven't done that in so long." 00:31:48.840 --> 00:31:50.520 align:middle line:84% I said something about experience 00:31:50.520 --> 00:31:53.790 align:middle line:84% and how I better be the guide, but she said, "Can I 00:31:53.790 --> 00:31:55.620 align:middle line:90% stay here a while, Jim? 00:31:55.620 --> 00:31:58.200 align:middle line:90% Can I stay here with you?" 00:31:58.200 --> 00:32:01.830 align:middle line:84% I could barely get the words out, but I said, "Of course." 00:32:01.830 --> 00:32:03.660 align:middle line:84% Then I sat down on the front seat 00:32:03.660 --> 00:32:06.240 align:middle line:84% where I had no control, a place I hadn't 00:32:06.240 --> 00:32:09.240 align:middle line:84% been since high school, and Jean pushed the canoe 00:32:09.240 --> 00:32:10.890 align:middle line:90% into the current. 00:32:10.890 --> 00:32:11.490 align:middle line:90% Thanks. 00:32:11.490 --> 00:32:14.540 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:32:14.540 --> 00:32:27.000 align:middle line:90%