WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.540 align:middle line:90%
Vestibule A: Appendix 1.

00:00:04.540 --> 00:00:07.570 align:middle line:84%
I write the book
before falling apart.

00:00:07.570 --> 00:00:09.280 align:middle line:90%
I fall with the pages.

00:00:09.280 --> 00:00:11.020 align:middle line:90%
I sway with the dirt.

00:00:11.020 --> 00:00:14.170 align:middle line:84%
I coddle the failure
until it's become a bird.

00:00:14.170 --> 00:00:16.329 align:middle line:90%
Until it crashes in a field.

00:00:16.329 --> 00:00:18.160 align:middle line:90%
Until it's become a race.

00:00:18.160 --> 00:00:20.200 align:middle line:90%
Until it becomes until.

00:00:20.200 --> 00:00:24.010 align:middle line:84%
These sentences are creaking
with the way they hold water.

00:00:24.010 --> 00:00:27.070 align:middle line:84%
The weight dispersed between
the book and the body

00:00:27.070 --> 00:00:30.790 align:middle line:84%
holding the book I build
a tension to let go.

00:00:30.790 --> 00:00:34.780 align:middle line:84%
I forget how we approach writing
and start with what's missing.

00:00:34.780 --> 00:00:35.860 align:middle line:90%
I get lost.

00:00:35.860 --> 00:00:37.000 align:middle line:90%
I tell no one.

00:00:37.000 --> 00:00:40.540 align:middle line:84%
I let the book sink until it
is another form of emptiness.

00:00:40.540 --> 00:00:43.510 align:middle line:90%
I'm more interested in its lack.

00:00:43.510 --> 00:00:46.780 align:middle line:84%
The scene erodes with
a violet fragility.

00:00:46.780 --> 00:00:49.210 align:middle line:90%
I soak in a bath of rose petals.

00:00:49.210 --> 00:00:52.720 align:middle line:84%
The water goes from
pink to dark bruise.

00:00:52.720 --> 00:00:56.260 align:middle line:84%
I lose track of the
continent I'm writing in.

00:00:56.260 --> 00:00:58.060 align:middle line:90%
I forget the frame of the novel.

00:00:58.060 --> 00:00:59.890 align:middle line:90%
The language grows wild.

00:00:59.890 --> 00:01:02.170 align:middle line:84%
I give up haunting
all my failures.

00:01:02.170 --> 00:01:05.209 align:middle line:84%
I work them into my
skin like a poem.

00:01:05.209 --> 00:01:08.630 align:middle line:84%
I burned the book so many
times the manuscript exists

00:01:08.630 --> 00:01:10.580 align:middle line:90%
as a form of condensation.

00:01:10.580 --> 00:01:13.220 align:middle line:84%
The sky opens up and
pours out another book

00:01:13.220 --> 00:01:15.050 align:middle line:90%
that you'll never read.

00:01:15.050 --> 00:01:17.060 align:middle line:90%
I wish I could still speak it.

00:01:17.060 --> 00:01:20.150 align:middle line:84%
I wish I could
remember what we say.

00:01:20.150 --> 00:01:26.150 align:middle line:84%
And every yesterday piles itself
into a dendritic agate pose.

00:01:26.150 --> 00:01:29.990 align:middle line:84%
In repose, the novel writes
itself into my sleep.

00:01:29.990 --> 00:01:32.870 align:middle line:84%
I dream of many airports
but never of a plane.

00:01:32.870 --> 00:01:36.290 align:middle line:84%
I say the word sky, and the
window becomes a doorframe.

00:01:36.290 --> 00:01:38.390 align:middle line:84%
I don't have the strength
to pick up the phone.

00:01:38.390 --> 00:01:41.240 align:middle line:84%
The book is dead, and
I'm dragging its entrails

00:01:41.240 --> 00:01:42.410 align:middle line:90%
across a continent.

00:01:42.410 --> 00:01:44.720 align:middle line:84%
And I smash the book
against my face.

00:01:44.720 --> 00:01:47.780 align:middle line:84%
And I weep when I
can't read the words.

00:01:47.780 --> 00:01:51.080 align:middle line:90%
Our longing is our legitimacy.

00:01:51.080 --> 00:01:53.930 align:middle line:84%
That's what Cecilia
Vicuña told me,

00:01:53.930 --> 00:01:58.990 align:middle line:84%
documenting detritus from a
summer creekside performance.

00:01:58.990 --> 00:02:02.020 align:middle line:84%
Several people die in the
writing of this novel.

00:02:02.020 --> 00:02:05.830 align:middle line:84%
Or they died while the
novel is being written.

00:02:05.830 --> 00:02:08.710 align:middle line:84%
I lack a language
to communicate.

00:02:08.710 --> 00:02:12.250 align:middle line:84%
I wish I could tell you the
color and breath of a flower.

00:02:12.250 --> 00:02:15.100 align:middle line:84%
I wish I could explain
lavender to you.

00:02:15.100 --> 00:02:18.460 align:middle line:84%
I make a dark midnight from
the sound of my living.

00:02:18.460 --> 00:02:20.860 align:middle line:84%
I boil water and
shed from stress.

00:02:20.860 --> 00:02:23.770 align:middle line:84%
Infinite realities
blurring in one.

00:02:23.770 --> 00:02:25.930 align:middle line:90%
I am two centimeters to my left.

00:02:25.930 --> 00:02:27.190 align:middle line:90%
Nothing comes together.

00:02:27.190 --> 00:02:29.080 align:middle line:84%
And all archival
components fail.

00:02:29.080 --> 00:02:32.280 align:middle line:84%
I forget what I'm
talking to you about.

00:02:32.280 --> 00:02:35.700 align:middle line:84%
The book stops writing, and the
dreaming feels further away.

00:02:35.700 --> 00:02:37.890 align:middle line:90%
I interrupt myself with living.

00:02:37.890 --> 00:02:41.340 align:middle line:84%
I have visions of bodies
on beaches holding flares.

00:02:41.340 --> 00:02:44.870 align:middle line:84%
It's sunset, but
that's not important.

00:02:44.870 --> 00:02:47.240 align:middle line:84%
When the book is
not happening, I

00:02:47.240 --> 00:02:50.150 align:middle line:84%
find lost time trickling
in through my wrist.

00:02:50.150 --> 00:02:52.850 align:middle line:84%
I resist the urge
to be specific.

00:02:52.850 --> 00:02:55.850 align:middle line:84%
I dream the novel upon
landing the novel.

00:02:55.850 --> 00:02:58.160 align:middle line:84%
That was never a
novel, but an orchard.

00:02:58.160 --> 00:03:02.790 align:middle line:84%
The manuscript was always
just a hole in the ground.

00:03:02.790 --> 00:03:06.180 align:middle line:84%
The sun snows until
rain overtakes

00:03:06.180 --> 00:03:07.830 align:middle line:90%
the creek in the flood.

00:03:07.830 --> 00:03:10.500 align:middle line:84%
I abandoned the book
under the cover of escape.

00:03:10.500 --> 00:03:14.100 align:middle line:84%
I make my way sniffing
the lilt sky for signs

00:03:14.100 --> 00:03:17.720 align:middle line:90%
of light-- a dim become bright.

00:03:17.720 --> 00:03:20.420 align:middle line:84%
The language exhausts
itself in the repetition

00:03:20.420 --> 00:03:22.670 align:middle line:90%
of thinking before reading.

00:03:22.670 --> 00:03:24.200 align:middle line:90%
You should know.

00:03:24.200 --> 00:03:27.290 align:middle line:84%
I thought of all these words
for weeks and pages and planes

00:03:27.290 --> 00:03:30.380 align:middle line:84%
and places until I could
finally open my mouth.

00:03:30.380 --> 00:03:33.080 align:middle line:84%
But something like
flowers comes out.

00:03:33.080 --> 00:03:35.990 align:middle line:84%
Something like a thick
light of lavender milk.

00:03:35.990 --> 00:03:40.390 align:middle line:90%
I am dreaming right now.

00:03:40.390 --> 00:03:42.760 align:middle line:90%
We burrow home into our blood.

00:03:42.760 --> 00:03:45.610 align:middle line:84%
In the house of your heart,
you start a small fire

00:03:45.610 --> 00:03:47.230 align:middle line:90%
to bring back with you.

00:03:47.230 --> 00:03:50.020 align:middle line:84%
The continent rains
for 10,000 days.

00:03:50.020 --> 00:03:51.670 align:middle line:90%
And nothing ever gets done.

00:03:51.670 --> 00:03:54.160 align:middle line:84%
The book grows roots
in a glass of water.

00:03:54.160 --> 00:03:57.460 align:middle line:84%
The somnambulist drinks
nothing but light and wine.

00:03:57.460 --> 00:04:00.190 align:middle line:84%
Grass grows thick in the
cottage of your liver.

00:04:00.190 --> 00:04:02.590 align:middle line:84%
And you try to drown the
weeds out with color.

00:04:02.590 --> 00:04:04.540 align:middle line:84%
You saturate the
rhythms of your blood

00:04:04.540 --> 00:04:06.100 align:middle line:90%
until there is continuity.

00:04:06.100 --> 00:04:09.040 align:middle line:84%
Like veins, you recall
becoming a river.

00:04:09.040 --> 00:04:10.960 align:middle line:84%
You recall swimming
against the current,

00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:13.210 align:middle line:84%
until there was no
strength left in you.

00:04:13.210 --> 00:04:14.800 align:middle line:90%
And the river drowned.

00:04:14.800 --> 00:04:17.260 align:middle line:84%
In your memory, you wake
up six months later,

00:04:17.260 --> 00:04:19.690 align:middle line:84%
find yourself still
grieving the side of where

00:04:19.690 --> 00:04:21.190 align:middle line:90%
your paw marked a grave.

00:04:21.190 --> 00:04:23.560 align:middle line:84%
You read the language,
but don't understand.

00:04:23.560 --> 00:04:27.250 align:middle line:84%
You make the gestures, but
the movement is all wrong.

00:04:27.250 --> 00:04:30.340 align:middle line:90%
You stop writing.

00:04:30.340 --> 00:04:34.540 align:middle line:84%
I forget how to write and give
up before the book is written.

00:04:34.540 --> 00:04:37.330 align:middle line:84%
Your hand touches a
semblance of time.

00:04:37.330 --> 00:04:39.910 align:middle line:84%
You remember the
scent of 3:00 AM.

00:04:39.910 --> 00:04:42.940 align:middle line:84%
Locate the ocean
within your tongue.

00:04:42.940 --> 00:04:45.250 align:middle line:84%
I keep riding through
exhaustion, until I

00:04:45.250 --> 00:04:47.290 align:middle line:90%
write something else instead.

00:04:47.290 --> 00:04:50.770 align:middle line:84%
I wake up with a sprig
of sun stuck in my lungs.

00:04:50.770 --> 00:04:54.730 align:middle line:84%
I cough lavender and form
visions of the obstruction.

00:04:54.730 --> 00:04:57.550 align:middle line:84%
I try to remember my
dreams, but often, I

00:04:57.550 --> 00:04:59.980 align:middle line:84%
remember a big black
nothing, the lack

00:04:59.980 --> 00:05:03.070 align:middle line:84%
of image, the unconscious
meandering void.

00:05:03.070 --> 00:05:05.320 align:middle line:84%
It's several days
until I am finally

00:05:05.320 --> 00:05:10.510 align:middle line:84%
able to bring myself back to
myself, to write anything down.

00:05:10.510 --> 00:05:15.280 align:middle line:84%
The dream falls through the
window, and pollen corrupts it.

00:05:15.280 --> 00:05:20.230 align:middle line:84%
My eyes grow red and
heavy light waves.

00:05:20.230 --> 00:05:21.850 align:middle line:90%
The blood thickens.

00:05:21.850 --> 00:05:24.500 align:middle line:90%
My lips become dry.

00:05:24.500 --> 00:05:27.680 align:middle line:84%
In the daylight that
presents itself beyond us,

00:05:27.680 --> 00:05:29.450 align:middle line:90%
there is the inevitable.

00:05:29.450 --> 00:05:32.480 align:middle line:84%
We try our best to hold
on to the hope of it.

00:05:32.480 --> 00:05:35.570 align:middle line:84%
I retrieve the
semblance of a dream

00:05:35.570 --> 00:05:38.030 align:middle line:90%
and ruin my skin with sunlight.

00:05:38.030 --> 00:05:42.650 align:middle line:84%
Sometimes, we are flying
over the moon and its desert.

00:05:42.650 --> 00:05:46.580 align:middle line:84%
This flight is as long
as you want it to be.

00:05:46.580 --> 00:05:49.380 align:middle line:90%


00:05:49.380 --> 00:05:51.090 align:middle line:84%
And I'm not reading
any more of that.

00:05:51.090 --> 00:05:59.950 align:middle line:90%


00:05:59.950 --> 00:06:06.370 align:middle line:84%
So that book is dedicated to
my grandfather, Jose Asuncion

00:06:06.370 --> 00:06:07.660 align:middle line:90%
Dominguez.

00:06:07.660 --> 00:06:09.250 align:middle line:90%
I knew him as [Xixan?].

00:06:09.250 --> 00:06:10.930 align:middle line:90%
I knew him as Xix.

00:06:10.930 --> 00:06:18.220 align:middle line:84%
So when you read this book
and you see XIX, it is not 19.

00:06:18.220 --> 00:06:20.440 align:middle line:90%
It is my grandfather's name--

00:06:20.440 --> 00:06:23.200 align:middle line:90%
his Yucatec Maya name.

00:06:23.200 --> 00:06:26.830 align:middle line:84%
When I was born, he
called me his Xix.

00:06:26.830 --> 00:06:32.650 align:middle line:84%
And Xix, I later
learned, means residue.

00:06:32.650 --> 00:06:37.250 align:middle line:84%
He explained it to me as being
the last little drop of tea.

00:06:37.250 --> 00:06:42.050 align:middle line:84%
And when I was a baby, before
I could speak any language,

00:06:42.050 --> 00:06:47.990 align:middle line:84%
I said [Xixan?], and that
meant you are also Xix.

00:06:47.990 --> 00:06:50.000 align:middle line:90%