WEBVTT

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Adolescence.

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When I think of
my adolescence, I

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think of the bathrooms of those
seedy hotels in San Francisco

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where my boyfriend took me.

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I had never seen
bathrooms like that--

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no curtains, no
towels, no mirror--

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just a sink green with
grime and a toilet

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yellow and black, like something
in science experiments growing

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the plague in bowls.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Sex was still a crime then.

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I'd sign out of my college
dorm to a false destination,

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sign into the flophouse
under a false name,

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go down the hall to the one
bathroom, and lock myself in.

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And I could not learn to
get that diaphragm in.

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I decorated it like a cake
with glistening spermicide,

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and leaned down.

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And it would leap
from my fingers

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and fall into a corner to
land in a concave depression

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like a rat's nest.

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I'd bend and pluck it out,
and wash it, and wash it down

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to that fragile dome, like
the transparent eyelid

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on animals that do not blink.

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I'd frost it again
till it was shimmering,

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and bend it into its little arc.

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And it would fly
through the air,

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rim humming like Saturn's ring.

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I would bow down and
crawl to retrieve it.

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[LAUGHTER]

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When I think on being
18, that's what I see--

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that delicate disk floating
through the air and descending.

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I see myself moaning
and reaching,

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reaching for my own life.

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[CHATTER]

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