WEBVTT

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Well, to the piece
de resistance, no?

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This has to be preceded by a
joke or it will be meaningless.

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Some of you know
the joke already

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because I've told everyone
that I knew the joke,

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it was so tremendous.

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So I beg of you to hold
your tongue for the pleasure

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of the [INAUDIBLE].

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It's a joke about
Roy Rogers, who

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I learned to my
great disappointment

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was born in Cincinnati,
Ohio, and whose real

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name was Leonard Slye.

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S-L-Y-E. But thank God, I
didn't know that before I wrote

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the poem.

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I've been too crestfallen
to have put pen to paper.

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Anyway, right, there was
a story about Roy Rogers

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I must share with you.

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One day, he opened the mail, and
out popped a big royalty check.

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And he said, wow,
that's a lot of money.

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I'm going to saddle
up my horse Trigger,

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yeah, Trigger, and ride it home.

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At the town I'm going to
buy me a brand new Stetson,

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a brand new cowboy outfit
with pearl buttons,

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and a brand new pair
of lizard skin boots.

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So off he rode, not even
bothering to pause and tell

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Dale where he was going.

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And he got to town, and he
bought himself a Stetson

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and a brand new cowboy
suit with pearl buttons

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and a pair of lizard skin boots.

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And was riding
back home thinking,

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boy, Dale is going to really
think I've cut quite a figure

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when I get there.

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But little did he know
[INAUDIBLE] ahead,

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there perched an ornery wildcat.

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And when he saw Roy
Rogers riding full--

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toward him full of pride in
his brand new Stetson cowboy

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suit with the pearl buttons and
a pair of lizard skin boots,

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he waited and waited.

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And just as Roy got under
him, he leapt on him

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and started tearing
up the Stetson

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and then tearing
apart the clothes

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and lastly just tearing the heck
out of the lizard skin boots.

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And before Roy Rogers
knew what had happened,

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there he was lying on the
ground and Trigger had run off

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and he was bleeding all around
him with this outfit destroyed.

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Boy, was he mad.

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He caught Trigger.

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He rode home as
fast as he could.

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Banged open the door, he says,
Dale, Dale, where's my shotgun?

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And she was alarmed.

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Of course, she was out there
combing Buttermilk, her horse.

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And she didn't know
what was going on.

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And Roy grabbed the
shotgun before she

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could get an explanation.

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Off he rode on Trigger
across the plains.

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And she was so alarmed.

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Why, she jumped
right on Buttermilk

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and off she rode behind
him, trying to catch up

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with this impulsive boy.

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But too late.

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Before she got there,
she heard a bang!

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When she arrived, there was
Roy, standing there naked

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and bleeding, holding
a smoking shotgun.

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Over the poor corpse of the wild
cat that had done this to him.

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She walked up to him.

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She said, (SINGING)
Pardon me, Roy.

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Was that the cat that
chewed the new shoe?

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[LAUGHTER]

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Such stories come from a factory
in Pennsylvania, I'm sure.

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Well, this is somewhat
of a takeoff on that,

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uses the basic
plot for its plot.

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But of course, it would
be senseless simply

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to repeat the story.

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So it has a somewhat
different ending to it.

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And in this poem, as I think, I
hope at least, most good poems

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try to draw in a great deal
from different things that

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aren't normally found together.

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And some of Freudian
psychology and pop culture

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and Christian Greco
mythology and sexuality

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and all that stuff.

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You'll see how it ends.

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Because Roy is, at once, a hero
and of course, quite a child,

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maybe that goes
with being a hero.

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I don't know.

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I'd like to find out someday.

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It's called "Roy Rogers."

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And then we'll plunge onward
to the cake and cookies.

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"No advocate of social
security, of the poor

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who really have to strive,
disgusted with themselves,

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each day just to stay alive.

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When he gets his
royalty check, it's

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the father wish
of all those that

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have kept us going since the
star pasted on our foreheads

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in first grade kept
us walking thereafter,

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cross-eyed into the future."

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[LAUGHTER]

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I crossed my eyes, afraid
my contacts would pop out.

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"And the kid again, he knows
that Dale out back in the shed,

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fussing with her horse
named Buttermilk,

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will forgive him
however he sins.

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He's Johannes [? Kelpius ?]
sitting up in his tree

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in Eastern Pennsylvania,
bringing together

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mind and spirit by thinking
about all the girlfriends he'll

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never have and all the more
elevated because he'll never

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have them.

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Roald Amundsen, putting off
discovering the South Pole as

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long as he can, but
finally unable to help

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himself discovering it.

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Dale, Dale, he shouts!

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I'm going to buy myself
a new cowboy outfit!

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Without waiting for a reply--

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his name means
King, doesn't it?--

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he's off, seeing himself
resplendent in pearl buttons

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and lizard skin.

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But as so often happens in
human affairs, even for royalty,

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the province of
statisticians, the wildcat,

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that [? miffed ?]
[? anchorite, ?] who's waited

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all his life for this, something
full enough of pride to deserve

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his attentions, swells in his
tree, a leaping dandelion.

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And it's over in seconds.

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The arch fiend gallops
off in his new dress

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while the man lies,
as scratched all over

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as a map of Czechoslovakia after
the Anschluss of communists

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in 1948.

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But now, tapped on the shoulder
by that perpetual virgin,

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as always riding
behind to save him

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when he's naked and
full of anger, who says,

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giving in once more with a
sigh, pardon me, Roy, it's time.

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It's time.

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For what?

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That's the question."

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Well, thank you.

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Let's go see--

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[APPLAUSE]

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[INAUDIBLE]

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