WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:06.260 align:middle line:90% 00:00:06.260 --> 00:00:09.320 align:middle line:84% Our next reading will be two weeks from tonight. 00:00:09.320 --> 00:00:13.340 align:middle line:84% It will be the Contest Awards reading in the University Art 00:00:13.340 --> 00:00:16.940 align:middle line:90% Museum at Olive and Second. 00:00:16.940 --> 00:00:19.490 align:middle line:84% There is a list of the contest winners 00:00:19.490 --> 00:00:21.210 align:middle line:84% on the Creative Writing office door 00:00:21.210 --> 00:00:23.030 align:middle line:90% if you'd like to see who won. 00:00:23.030 --> 00:00:28.740 align:middle line:90% 00:00:28.740 --> 00:00:31.800 align:middle line:84% I hope you can stay after the reading and meet Lynn, 00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:33.990 align:middle line:90% have some punch and cookies. 00:00:33.990 --> 00:00:36.810 align:middle line:84% It's a great pleasure to have Lynn Luria Sukenick with us 00:00:36.810 --> 00:00:40.800 align:middle line:90% on the faculty this term. 00:00:40.800 --> 00:00:48.130 align:middle line:84% Her books of poetry are Houdini, Water Astonishing, Problems 00:00:48.130 --> 00:00:51.520 align:middle line:84% and Characteristics, and most recently 00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:55.274 align:middle line:84% from Cleveland State, Houdini Houdini. 00:00:55.274 --> 00:00:57.880 align:middle line:90% 00:00:57.880 --> 00:00:59.830 align:middle line:84% Her poems have appeared in many anthologies. 00:00:59.830 --> 00:01:03.160 align:middle line:84% Her short fiction has appeared widely. 00:01:03.160 --> 00:01:08.187 align:middle line:84% She did a critical study of the work of Anaïs Nin. 00:01:08.187 --> 00:01:09.520 align:middle line:90% I'm going to miss one, aren't I? 00:01:09.520 --> 00:01:12.246 align:middle line:90% George Eliot, Anaïs Nin-- 00:01:12.246 --> 00:01:14.596 align:middle line:90% I'm going to miss two. 00:01:14.596 --> 00:01:15.804 align:middle line:90% You'll have to help me, Lynn. 00:01:15.804 --> 00:01:16.304 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHS] 00:01:16.304 --> 00:01:17.660 align:middle line:90% It was a long time ago. 00:01:17.660 --> 00:01:18.850 align:middle line:90% [? She ?] is critical study. 00:01:18.850 --> 00:01:22.112 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHS] 00:01:22.112 --> 00:01:23.050 align:middle line:90% 00:01:23.050 --> 00:01:27.790 align:middle line:84% She's been acting recently at the MacDowell Colony, 00:01:27.790 --> 00:01:31.300 align:middle line:84% and she normally makes her home in Santa Cruz, California. 00:01:31.300 --> 00:01:32.920 align:middle line:84% She's with us for this semester, so I 00:01:32.920 --> 00:01:35.587 align:middle line:84% hope you'll have a chance to get acquainted with this fine lady. 00:01:35.587 --> 00:01:36.540 align:middle line:90% Lynn Luria Sukenick. 00:01:36.540 --> 00:01:39.956 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:01:39.956 --> 00:01:43.693 align:middle line:90% 00:01:43.693 --> 00:01:44.360 align:middle line:90% Thank you, Lois. 00:01:44.360 --> 00:01:47.210 align:middle line:84% Can you all hear me, is this as it should be? 00:01:47.210 --> 00:01:51.110 align:middle line:90% 00:01:51.110 --> 00:01:54.680 align:middle line:84% I spent a small bit of today thinking about opening remarks, 00:01:54.680 --> 00:01:56.210 align:middle line:84% because beginnings are so important. 00:01:56.210 --> 00:01:58.040 align:middle line:84% And I thought I would say something 00:01:58.040 --> 00:02:00.080 align:middle line:84% about Lincoln's birthday and Ash Wednesday, 00:02:00.080 --> 00:02:03.860 align:middle line:84% and the beginning of Mardi Gras, and that tense anticipatory 00:02:03.860 --> 00:02:06.350 align:middle line:90% time before Valentine's Day. 00:02:06.350 --> 00:02:10.340 align:middle line:84% And then I decided I would rather just say, "howdy," which 00:02:10.340 --> 00:02:12.380 align:middle line:84% you can't say in New York or California, 00:02:12.380 --> 00:02:13.790 align:middle line:90% places I've been living. 00:02:13.790 --> 00:02:18.230 align:middle line:84% So I'm glad you could all be here. 00:02:18.230 --> 00:02:21.170 align:middle line:84% I'm going to read three pieces of fiction tonight. 00:02:21.170 --> 00:02:23.720 align:middle line:84% Although I'm listed as a poet, I write both, 00:02:23.720 --> 00:02:26.930 align:middle line:84% and I hope it will be the kind of fiction that 00:02:26.930 --> 00:02:28.940 align:middle line:84% will satisfy the appetites of those 00:02:28.940 --> 00:02:33.030 align:middle line:90% who were expecting poetry. 00:02:33.030 --> 00:02:36.680 align:middle line:84% One of the pieces of fiction lasts 18 minutes; 00:02:36.680 --> 00:02:39.230 align:middle line:84% if you have one of those watches that goes "ping," 00:02:39.230 --> 00:02:40.370 align:middle line:90% please don't set it. 00:02:40.370 --> 00:02:42.020 align:middle line:84% It might be a little bit over that. 00:02:42.020 --> 00:02:45.680 align:middle line:84% And then the next story is a half an hour 00:02:45.680 --> 00:02:47.690 align:middle line:84% and the final piece six minutes long. 00:02:47.690 --> 00:02:51.460 align:middle line:90% 00:02:51.460 --> 00:02:57.460 align:middle line:84% This first piece was written as a commission 00:02:57.460 --> 00:03:00.850 align:middle line:84% for a symposium on poetry and music, 00:03:00.850 --> 00:03:03.370 align:middle line:84% which I participated in with Robert Duncan and David 00:03:03.370 --> 00:03:06.640 align:middle line:84% Meltzer and some San Francisco composers. 00:03:06.640 --> 00:03:09.370 align:middle line:84% We were each given about 20 minutes 00:03:09.370 --> 00:03:12.130 align:middle line:84% to do something connected to poetry and music. 00:03:12.130 --> 00:03:13.430 align:middle line:90% Anything at all. 00:03:13.430 --> 00:03:17.200 align:middle line:84% And I loved the idea of having time as a structure, 00:03:17.200 --> 00:03:19.630 align:middle line:84% as the main condition, of the writing, 00:03:19.630 --> 00:03:23.830 align:middle line:84% and of writing my way into the allotted time. 00:03:23.830 --> 00:03:27.430 align:middle line:84% There are two references you might want, or need, to know. 00:03:27.430 --> 00:03:30.460 align:middle line:84% The title is the Man with the Blues Guitar, and some 00:03:30.460 --> 00:03:34.700 align:middle line:84% of the Wallace Stevens poem Man with the Blue Guitar, 00:03:34.700 --> 00:03:37.010 align:middle line:84% which is a whole different thing. 00:03:37.010 --> 00:03:40.390 align:middle line:84% And the man who invented the bass guitar 00:03:40.390 --> 00:03:42.550 align:middle line:90% was named Leo Fender. 00:03:42.550 --> 00:03:45.955 align:middle line:84% Although I call him Leo D. Fender in the story. 00:03:45.955 --> 00:03:52.990 align:middle line:90% 00:03:52.990 --> 00:03:56.350 align:middle line:84% It's April in Santa Cruz, the tail end of the Northern 00:03:56.350 --> 00:03:58.590 align:middle line:90% California rainy season. 00:03:58.590 --> 00:04:00.330 align:middle line:84% And a composer she knows wants her 00:04:00.330 --> 00:04:02.730 align:middle line:84% to come north to San Francisco to be 00:04:02.730 --> 00:04:05.730 align:middle line:84% part of a panel discussion on poetry and music 00:04:05.730 --> 00:04:09.570 align:middle line:84% in a pleasant performing space in the heart of the city. 00:04:09.570 --> 00:04:12.960 align:middle line:84% She decides to take part and to make her contribution 00:04:12.960 --> 00:04:16.740 align:middle line:84% in the form of a poem, a poem that will have chords in it, 00:04:16.740 --> 00:04:20.880 align:middle line:84% a poem that will conceal the fact that it's a poem. 00:04:20.880 --> 00:04:23.130 align:middle line:84% But her concentration keeps dissolving 00:04:23.130 --> 00:04:26.100 align:middle line:84% in the gloomy inundations of a week of rain, 00:04:26.100 --> 00:04:29.880 align:middle line:84% a week preceded by the inundations of a month of rain, 00:04:29.880 --> 00:04:32.910 align:middle line:84% and in the trouble a man in her life is giving her, 00:04:32.910 --> 00:04:36.900 align:middle line:84% or as John Cage says, "the more you're with musicians, 00:04:36.900 --> 00:04:39.630 align:middle line:90% the crazier you get." 00:04:39.630 --> 00:04:43.560 align:middle line:84% Day after day she goes into her study trying to find the poem, 00:04:43.560 --> 00:04:45.330 align:middle line:90% but nothing comes. 00:04:45.330 --> 00:04:49.050 align:middle line:84% Then finally one afternoon the sun appears, holds on, 00:04:49.050 --> 00:04:51.630 align:middle line:84% a first line comes to her, another comes, 00:04:51.630 --> 00:04:55.290 align:middle line:84% then another line, then the thud, thud of a bass guitar. 00:04:55.290 --> 00:04:57.630 align:middle line:90% The neighbor's stereo finds her. 00:04:57.630 --> 00:05:00.750 align:middle line:84% Someone else's blood thumping in her veins. 00:05:00.750 --> 00:05:05.580 align:middle line:84% Trespass so complete there is no place to hide. 00:05:05.580 --> 00:05:08.520 align:middle line:84% She wants to write a poem that will pull the inaudible out 00:05:08.520 --> 00:05:09.630 align:middle line:90% of the audible. 00:05:09.630 --> 00:05:12.120 align:middle line:84% A poem that will bring her audience peace, 00:05:12.120 --> 00:05:15.930 align:middle line:84% but it isn't quiet enough for her to do it. 00:05:15.930 --> 00:05:18.840 align:middle line:84% She turns to her record collection and puts on a record 00:05:18.840 --> 00:05:22.260 align:middle line:84% at random in self-defense and as an omen, 00:05:22.260 --> 00:05:26.430 align:middle line:84% the way she would cut the tarot or consult the I Ching. 00:05:26.430 --> 00:05:29.370 align:middle line:84% She hears the anorexic minutiae of disco, 00:05:29.370 --> 00:05:34.050 align:middle line:84% feels it tighten her pulses, and she dances for several minutes. 00:05:34.050 --> 00:05:37.020 align:middle line:84% Then she sits in front of the stereo and puts in one record 00:05:37.020 --> 00:05:39.990 align:middle line:84% after another, drowning out the neighbor's sound, 00:05:39.990 --> 00:05:41.940 align:middle line:90% waiting for a sign. 00:05:41.940 --> 00:05:46.230 align:middle line:84% She listens to the predictable unnerving undertow of reggae, 00:05:46.230 --> 00:05:50.040 align:middle line:84% the philosulfuric Rolling Stones, piano wails 00:05:50.040 --> 00:05:52.410 align:middle line:84% drowning in a golden lake of trombones, 00:05:52.410 --> 00:05:56.340 align:middle line:84% a jug band whose lead singer sounds swallowing his tongue. 00:05:56.340 --> 00:05:59.610 align:middle line:84% Keith Jarrett's arpeggios like runny egg white. 00:05:59.610 --> 00:06:02.280 align:middle line:84% Marianne Faithfull's broken dolly voice. 00:06:02.280 --> 00:06:03.720 align:middle line:90% The Beach Boys. 00:06:03.720 --> 00:06:07.770 align:middle line:84% A saxophone that slides its hand over the world with obsession 00:06:07.770 --> 00:06:11.040 align:middle line:84% and devotion, giving way to the copacetic hiccup 00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:15.060 align:middle line:84% of a more avant garde saxophone and its muffled, huffing bleat. 00:06:15.060 --> 00:06:18.780 align:middle line:84% Then 16 conga drummers, all Moslems, so it 00:06:18.780 --> 00:06:21.300 align:middle line:90% sounds like a single drum. 00:06:21.300 --> 00:06:24.900 align:middle line:84% She stumbles on the hits of the '50s, a generation of music 00:06:24.900 --> 00:06:27.840 align:middle line:84% that milked every platitude of high school heartache. 00:06:27.840 --> 00:06:30.450 align:middle line:90% No poetry, only music then. 00:06:30.450 --> 00:06:31.620 align:middle line:90% Who's that singing? 00:06:31.620 --> 00:06:32.820 align:middle line:90% The Pomades? 00:06:32.820 --> 00:06:35.460 align:middle line:90% The Questionnaires? 00:06:35.460 --> 00:06:36.960 align:middle line:90% It begins to rain again. 00:06:36.960 --> 00:06:39.120 align:middle line:84% She puts on a series of rainy day, 00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:42.270 align:middle line:84% ain't got no loving blues, only half listening, 00:06:42.270 --> 00:06:44.400 align:middle line:90% trying to find the poem. 00:06:44.400 --> 00:06:47.100 align:middle line:84% Is it Fiddling Blind Lightning Junior Sonny Boy 00:06:47.100 --> 00:06:50.190 align:middle line:84% Smith or what singing, "She Asked for Water, 00:06:50.190 --> 00:06:52.260 align:middle line:90% He Gave Her Gasoline?" 00:06:52.260 --> 00:06:55.470 align:middle line:84% Is it Big Sister Little Mama Johnson doing the shouting? 00:06:55.470 --> 00:06:58.710 align:middle line:84% Or is it the falsetto of Little Walker? 00:06:58.710 --> 00:07:00.810 align:middle line:84% "Blues is truth," said Brownie McGhee. 00:07:00.810 --> 00:07:02.850 align:middle line:90% Blues is not a dream. 00:07:02.850 --> 00:07:06.010 align:middle line:84% "If you've got no love to give, don't give it to me," 00:07:06.010 --> 00:07:08.340 align:middle line:90% says a good woman singer. 00:07:08.340 --> 00:07:11.610 align:middle line:84% She likes to listen to women singers, so she gives in, 00:07:11.610 --> 00:07:13.620 align:middle line:84% chooses Billie Holiday as she always 00:07:13.620 --> 00:07:16.530 align:middle line:84% does, sure that long ago in her crib 00:07:16.530 --> 00:07:19.950 align:middle line:84% she heard that drug roughened voice over the radio. 00:07:19.950 --> 00:07:22.350 align:middle line:84% No face or cocaine white gardenia 00:07:22.350 --> 00:07:25.110 align:middle line:84% visible, a snowdrift outside the window, 00:07:25.110 --> 00:07:29.190 align:middle line:84% her young mother washing the dishes in snowy suds. 00:07:29.190 --> 00:07:33.360 align:middle line:84% The caressing voice had sealed her in then, had made her safe. 00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:37.860 align:middle line:84% She had no idea the voice was singing about suffering. 00:07:37.860 --> 00:07:41.610 align:middle line:84% And she herself sang very early, she remembers, sang 00:07:41.610 --> 00:07:44.490 align:middle line:84% and sang after an appendectomy, wouldn't 00:07:44.490 --> 00:07:46.440 align:middle line:84% stop singing until they gave her piano 00:07:46.440 --> 00:07:48.270 align:middle line:90% lessons at the age of seven. 00:07:48.270 --> 00:07:51.270 align:middle line:84% A long career in music abbreviated however, 00:07:51.270 --> 00:07:54.570 align:middle line:84% because Mr. Bissell kept his hand under her blouse, 00:07:54.570 --> 00:07:56.760 align:middle line:84% working his way in through the sleeve 00:07:56.760 --> 00:08:00.240 align:middle line:84% as she practiced a simple rondo in the red cover book. 00:08:00.240 --> 00:08:02.610 align:middle line:84% Finally, she stopped pleading boredom 00:08:02.610 --> 00:08:05.730 align:middle line:84% to her blissfully ignorant mother, starting piano lessons 00:08:05.730 --> 00:08:10.170 align:middle line:84% again later with Mrs. Hallowell, 80 years old, 00:08:10.170 --> 00:08:12.690 align:middle line:84% who fell asleep before the scales were finished, 00:08:12.690 --> 00:08:15.690 align:middle line:84% and whose elderly vagueness was echoed in her love 00:08:15.690 --> 00:08:18.300 align:middle line:84% for the pedal from which her foot never rose. 00:08:18.300 --> 00:08:20.860 align:middle line:84% Hump, hump, be it ever so humble. 00:08:20.860 --> 00:08:24.060 align:middle line:84% There's no place like hump, hump. 00:08:24.060 --> 00:08:27.190 align:middle line:84% Mrs. Hallowell, leaving her earthly home forever one day 00:08:27.190 --> 00:08:30.190 align:middle line:84% while instructing another student and her music, 00:08:30.190 --> 00:08:34.179 align:middle line:84% until at 15 she put a tenor sax in her mouth for the first time 00:08:34.179 --> 00:08:36.400 align:middle line:84% in the class that was open to everyone. 00:08:36.400 --> 00:08:38.590 align:middle line:84% The teacher telling a late comer, "here's 00:08:38.590 --> 00:08:40.270 align:middle line:90% how you try out for the class. 00:08:40.270 --> 00:08:43.630 align:middle line:84% I'll play two notes and you tell me which is higher." 00:08:43.630 --> 00:08:46.090 align:middle line:84% And the teacher banged out a C, and the kid 00:08:46.090 --> 00:08:47.590 align:middle line:90% said, "that's higher." 00:08:47.590 --> 00:08:50.740 align:middle line:84% And the teacher said, "you're in, kid." 00:08:50.740 --> 00:08:53.050 align:middle line:84% Which reminded her of John Cage's anecdote 00:08:53.050 --> 00:08:56.470 align:middle line:84% about playing the Buddhist mass for a class at the New School, 00:08:56.470 --> 00:08:59.440 align:middle line:84% one note over and over for 15 minutes 00:08:59.440 --> 00:09:01.930 align:middle line:84% until one of the students rose screaming, 00:09:01.930 --> 00:09:05.410 align:middle line:84% "I can't stand another bit," and Cage mercifully leaned over 00:09:05.410 --> 00:09:07.060 align:middle line:84% to take the needle from the record, 00:09:07.060 --> 00:09:09.100 align:middle line:84% and another student called out, "I 00:09:09.100 --> 00:09:11.780 align:middle line:90% was just getting used to it." 00:09:11.780 --> 00:09:14.560 align:middle line:84% Which reminded her of her favorite joke in which there 00:09:14.560 --> 00:09:16.540 align:middle line:84% are three hermits sitting in a cave, 00:09:16.540 --> 00:09:19.750 align:middle line:84% and one day a horse gallops past the mouth of the cave. 00:09:19.750 --> 00:09:21.820 align:middle line:84% And a month later one of the hermit 00:09:21.820 --> 00:09:25.390 align:middle line:84% says, "hey, that was a beautiful brown horse that ran 00:09:25.390 --> 00:09:27.010 align:middle line:90% past the mouth of the cave." 00:09:27.010 --> 00:09:30.370 align:middle line:84% And a couple of months later the second hermit says, 00:09:30.370 --> 00:09:32.980 align:middle line:84% "that was no brown horse, that was a white one." 00:09:32.980 --> 00:09:35.140 align:middle line:84% And a year later the third hermit 00:09:35.140 --> 00:09:38.929 align:middle line:84% says, "if you don't stop this bickering, I'm leaving." 00:09:38.929 --> 00:09:41.200 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:44.240 align:middle line:84% When she told the new man in her life the joke, 00:09:44.240 --> 00:09:48.950 align:middle line:84% he told her with a serious face he'd have to think about it. 00:09:48.950 --> 00:09:50.780 align:middle line:90% She turned off the stereo. 00:09:50.780 --> 00:09:54.200 align:middle line:84% The rain sounded like handfuls of seeds angrily hurled 00:09:54.200 --> 00:09:55.610 align:middle line:90% onto the roof. 00:09:55.610 --> 00:09:58.040 align:middle line:84% From the neighbor's house there was silence. 00:09:58.040 --> 00:10:00.680 align:middle line:84% She was interested in qualities of silence. 00:10:00.680 --> 00:10:02.840 align:middle line:84% Silence like a series of hyphens. 00:10:02.840 --> 00:10:05.570 align:middle line:84% Silence like the weeping of creatures without eyes. 00:10:05.570 --> 00:10:06.860 align:middle line:90% Mammal silence. 00:10:06.860 --> 00:10:09.230 align:middle line:84% The silence of fish and the silence 00:10:09.230 --> 00:10:12.710 align:middle line:84% of humans, which depended on how they were breathing. 00:10:12.710 --> 00:10:14.750 align:middle line:84% There wasn't any such thing as silence, 00:10:14.750 --> 00:10:17.780 align:middle line:84% of course, if you understood that there wasn't only 00:10:17.780 --> 00:10:20.300 align:middle line:84% the sound a thing or being makes, 00:10:20.300 --> 00:10:23.060 align:middle line:84% but the sound a thing or being is-- 00:10:23.060 --> 00:10:27.290 align:middle line:84% its dimensions and vibrations in the space around it. 00:10:27.290 --> 00:10:30.440 align:middle line:84% This intrinsic sound was different from adhesive 00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:34.430 align:middle line:84% or illustrative sound, that is the sound a being uses 00:10:34.430 --> 00:10:37.370 align:middle line:84% to get our attention, to perpetuate itself, 00:10:37.370 --> 00:10:41.090 align:middle line:90% to draw itself into the future. 00:10:41.090 --> 00:10:44.720 align:middle line:84% They all agreed, he and she, that they didn't have a future. 00:10:44.720 --> 00:10:46.280 align:middle line:90% They were not in love. 00:10:46.280 --> 00:10:49.910 align:middle line:84% Love is when you automatically correct the inexact intervals 00:10:49.910 --> 00:10:52.010 align:middle line:90% before you actually hear them. 00:10:52.010 --> 00:10:54.320 align:middle line:84% Still, when she tried to concentrate 00:10:54.320 --> 00:10:57.030 align:middle line:84% on poetry and music, on avoiding the melody, 00:10:57.030 --> 00:11:01.230 align:middle line:84% hopefully, he was the bass line that interfered. 00:11:01.230 --> 00:11:02.970 align:middle line:84% It was only a few months ago that she 00:11:02.970 --> 00:11:05.730 align:middle line:84% had sat on his low sofa and looked at him 00:11:05.730 --> 00:11:07.920 align:middle line:84% as he stood above her slightly sway 00:11:07.920 --> 00:11:10.680 align:middle line:84% backed compared to the acoustic hunch of a folk singer. 00:11:10.680 --> 00:11:13.230 align:middle line:84% The bass guitar held across his pelvis 00:11:13.230 --> 00:11:17.370 align:middle line:84% and aimed to one side like a gun, an intravenous cord 00:11:17.370 --> 00:11:21.180 align:middle line:84% trailing from it and ending in a plug on the wall. 00:11:21.180 --> 00:11:24.180 align:middle line:84% He told her she was the first to hear the riffs and phrases he'd 00:11:24.180 --> 00:11:28.200 align:middle line:84% invented that afternoon for his "Flying to New York Change, 00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:29.760 align:middle line:90% at Chicago Blues." 00:11:29.760 --> 00:11:33.690 align:middle line:84% And she told him she had never been so close to a bass before. 00:11:33.690 --> 00:11:36.450 align:middle line:84% It was like being close to an elephant. 00:11:36.450 --> 00:11:39.870 align:middle line:90% The bigness booming through her. 00:11:39.870 --> 00:11:41.790 align:middle line:84% Because he was so attractive, she 00:11:41.790 --> 00:11:44.370 align:middle line:84% submitted to the loudness of the seduction, 00:11:44.370 --> 00:11:48.060 align:middle line:84% wondering if the price of this connection would be mutation. 00:11:48.060 --> 00:11:51.120 align:middle line:84% She did not believe that anything so loud and deep 00:11:51.120 --> 00:11:53.130 align:middle line:90% could leave her unchanged. 00:11:53.130 --> 00:11:55.380 align:middle line:84% She moved to a different place on the sofa 00:11:55.380 --> 00:11:57.360 align:middle line:90% onto some Belgian springs. 00:11:57.360 --> 00:12:00.600 align:middle line:84% Probably there was only one spot that was fatal. 00:12:00.600 --> 00:12:03.210 align:middle line:84% Somewhere she had read that the right music could 00:12:03.210 --> 00:12:06.840 align:middle line:90% freeze water or kill a man. 00:12:06.840 --> 00:12:08.280 align:middle line:90% They talked and talked. 00:12:08.280 --> 00:12:10.150 align:middle line:84% He told her that when he heard a tune 00:12:10.150 --> 00:12:12.070 align:middle line:84% he heard the harmony line just as strongly, 00:12:12.070 --> 00:12:14.470 align:middle line:84% and she understood that whether he knew it or not, 00:12:14.470 --> 00:12:18.010 align:middle line:84% he was telling her about the other women in his life. 00:12:18.010 --> 00:12:21.280 align:middle line:84% He told her that sound as it exists in time is rhythm, 00:12:21.280 --> 00:12:23.710 align:middle line:90% and rhythm is the mood of time. 00:12:23.710 --> 00:12:26.500 align:middle line:84% For repetition, you had to have conviction, 00:12:26.500 --> 00:12:29.410 align:middle line:84% and all keepers of the rhythm, bass or drum, 00:12:29.410 --> 00:12:32.200 align:middle line:90% were keepers of the flame. 00:12:32.200 --> 00:12:34.480 align:middle line:84% Sometimes she asked him avid questions, 00:12:34.480 --> 00:12:36.160 align:middle line:84% but lost the answers while looking 00:12:36.160 --> 00:12:38.240 align:middle line:90% at his good looking face. 00:12:38.240 --> 00:12:40.330 align:middle line:84% Leo D. Fender, she seemed to remember, 00:12:40.330 --> 00:12:44.890 align:middle line:84% invented the bass guitar in the early '50s as a weapon. 00:12:44.890 --> 00:12:47.410 align:middle line:84% D. Fender was the first to understand the relationship 00:12:47.410 --> 00:12:49.870 align:middle line:90% between rhythm and aggression. 00:12:49.870 --> 00:12:51.640 align:middle line:84% Because of its shotgun length neck 00:12:51.640 --> 00:12:53.590 align:middle line:84% and its role in causing deafness, 00:12:53.590 --> 00:12:56.830 align:middle line:84% the bass inspired a series of local guitar control 00:12:56.830 --> 00:12:59.650 align:middle line:90% laws phased out in the '70s. 00:12:59.650 --> 00:13:02.260 align:middle line:84% She wondered whatever happened to the big double bass 00:13:02.260 --> 00:13:05.830 align:middle line:84% they hugged from behind, humble and barely audible. 00:13:05.830 --> 00:13:07.630 align:middle line:84% "They put it on its side," he said, 00:13:07.630 --> 00:13:10.030 align:middle line:84% "tensed it till it got electric." 00:13:10.030 --> 00:13:11.980 align:middle line:84% No longer encircled like a woman, 00:13:11.980 --> 00:13:14.510 align:middle line:84% now it was held far away from the heart, 00:13:14.510 --> 00:13:17.350 align:middle line:84% taking the old chords with it, but propelling them so far 00:13:17.350 --> 00:13:19.090 align:middle line:90% it could drive you crazy. 00:13:19.090 --> 00:13:20.990 align:middle line:84% She thought of several neighborhoods 00:13:20.990 --> 00:13:25.720 align:middle line:84% she moved away from because of those chords. 00:13:25.720 --> 00:13:29.410 align:middle line:84% She tried to convince him of the balancing value of quietness. 00:13:29.410 --> 00:13:31.900 align:middle line:84% "Jimi Hendrix was the first to play loud, right?" 00:13:31.900 --> 00:13:34.720 align:middle line:90% She said, and "he died, right?" 00:13:34.720 --> 00:13:37.330 align:middle line:84% She talked up the sense of acoustic proportion, 00:13:37.330 --> 00:13:40.690 align:middle line:84% the logic of electric companies charging customers 00:13:40.690 --> 00:13:42.160 align:middle line:90% according to volume. 00:13:42.160 --> 00:13:45.490 align:middle line:84% The louder the stereo, the higher the bill. 00:13:45.490 --> 00:13:48.400 align:middle line:84% She lectured him about music in the space heater age. 00:13:48.400 --> 00:13:50.440 align:middle line:84% "We could dance all winter to keep warm," 00:13:50.440 --> 00:13:52.480 align:middle line:90% she said, the" way bees do." 00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:55.330 align:middle line:84% Rilke said poets are bees of the invisible. 00:13:55.330 --> 00:13:58.510 align:middle line:84% We can dance to keep the invisible warm. 00:13:58.510 --> 00:14:00.820 align:middle line:84% She spoke to him of the greatness of poetry, 00:14:00.820 --> 00:14:05.620 align:middle line:84% showed him Wallace Stevens' "Man with the Blue Guitar," 00:14:05.620 --> 00:14:08.470 align:middle line:84% and he propped up her thoughts on music and poetry 00:14:08.470 --> 00:14:12.110 align:middle line:84% by taking her dancing at most of the venues in town. 00:14:12.110 --> 00:14:15.370 align:middle line:84% They went to hear The Clap, the new wave group, at the Civic, 00:14:15.370 --> 00:14:17.350 align:middle line:84% and she looked at the amps and thought, 00:14:17.350 --> 00:14:19.810 align:middle line:90% "we are dancing with machines." 00:14:19.810 --> 00:14:23.560 align:middle line:84% They went to Sam's in San Jose, a vast cowboy redneck 00:14:23.560 --> 00:14:27.070 align:middle line:84% heaven with hurricane lamps and wagon wheel chandeliers, 00:14:27.070 --> 00:14:30.070 align:middle line:84% listening to Prince Ida with a metal washboard hung 00:14:30.070 --> 00:14:31.780 align:middle line:90% like a bib around his neck. 00:14:31.780 --> 00:14:34.660 align:middle line:84% Zydeco's son running two spoons up and down 00:14:34.660 --> 00:14:38.320 align:middle line:84% the ridges in zigzag rhythms as if he were stroking himself, 00:14:38.320 --> 00:14:39.940 align:middle line:90% gleeful as a baby. 00:14:39.940 --> 00:14:41.800 align:middle line:84% There was no doubt about it, music 00:14:41.800 --> 00:14:45.790 align:middle line:84% was better physical exercise than poetry. 00:14:45.790 --> 00:14:47.710 align:middle line:84% The bass guitarist hadn't yet begun 00:14:47.710 --> 00:14:49.180 align:middle line:90% the push pulling of rhythm. 00:14:49.180 --> 00:14:53.290 align:middle line:84% Push, pull, like a diatomic accordion unmovingly 00:14:53.290 --> 00:14:55.030 align:middle line:84% through the unpredictable slowing 00:14:55.030 --> 00:14:57.610 align:middle line:84% and speeding up with his attention. 00:14:57.610 --> 00:14:59.980 align:middle line:84% They made love to The Who, to Taj Mahal, 00:14:59.980 --> 00:15:03.370 align:middle line:84% to seven rounds of Dylan singing "Tangled Up in Blue," 00:15:03.370 --> 00:15:05.980 align:middle line:84% heating his under heated room with their bodies 00:15:05.980 --> 00:15:08.470 align:middle line:90% for most of the rainy winter. 00:15:08.470 --> 00:15:10.570 align:middle line:84% "You really turn me on," he told her, 00:15:10.570 --> 00:15:13.270 align:middle line:90% "is not an acoustic expression." 00:15:13.270 --> 00:15:15.850 align:middle line:84% He trusted her enough to confide that he once 00:15:15.850 --> 00:15:19.240 align:middle line:84% thought the Beatles were brothers, but no further. 00:15:19.240 --> 00:15:21.520 align:middle line:84% She could hear him thinking, now what do I do? 00:15:21.520 --> 00:15:24.020 align:middle line:84% She assured him that it isn't where it's going, 00:15:24.020 --> 00:15:25.810 align:middle line:90% it's where it's coming from. 00:15:25.810 --> 00:15:28.390 align:middle line:84% What if you admit there's no particular ending? 00:15:28.390 --> 00:15:30.340 align:middle line:90% Everything changes. 00:15:30.340 --> 00:15:33.100 align:middle line:84% "No music ever ends," said Duke Ellington. 00:15:33.100 --> 00:15:35.800 align:middle line:84% "Everything I care for happens all the time," 00:15:35.800 --> 00:15:37.720 align:middle line:90% said a poet she liked to read. 00:15:37.720 --> 00:15:40.180 align:middle line:84% "I was just getting used to it," said the student 00:15:40.180 --> 00:15:41.890 align:middle line:90% about the Buddhist mass. 00:15:41.890 --> 00:15:45.010 align:middle line:84% Although one did have to distinguish Marcel Duchamp's 00:15:45.010 --> 00:15:49.600 align:middle line:84% sprays, finally unfinished, was not the same as eternally 00:15:49.600 --> 00:15:51.730 align:middle line:90% undone. 00:15:51.730 --> 00:15:54.700 align:middle line:84% She left her house, stopped at the Hotel St. Joe's 00:15:54.700 --> 00:15:57.400 align:middle line:84% for a cappuccino, and headed for the pier. 00:15:57.400 --> 00:15:58.930 align:middle line:90% It was raining lightly. 00:15:58.930 --> 00:16:01.480 align:middle line:84% She looked for seals in the dark, choppy waters 00:16:01.480 --> 00:16:02.800 align:middle line:90% around the pilings. 00:16:02.800 --> 00:16:05.410 align:middle line:84% She thought she heard a foghorn, single ghost 00:16:05.410 --> 00:16:08.920 align:middle line:84% note of a bass guitar, the underbelly of things. 00:16:08.920 --> 00:16:11.200 align:middle line:84% The gray whales were out there somewhere 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:15.070 align:middle line:84% dreaming in bulk, 40 or 50 dreams between soundings, 00:16:15.070 --> 00:16:18.850 align:middle line:84% singing their songs in sleep and waking. 00:16:18.850 --> 00:16:21.880 align:middle line:84% There was one kind of whale that had a nine movement song, 00:16:21.880 --> 00:16:24.580 align:middle line:84% and over time the song gradually altered 00:16:24.580 --> 00:16:27.790 align:middle line:84% until after 10 years of yawning from a given tune, 00:16:27.790 --> 00:16:29.920 align:middle line:84% nothing was the same as in the original, 00:16:29.920 --> 00:16:32.820 align:middle line:84% with whales of this kind all over the world 00:16:32.820 --> 00:16:36.150 align:middle line:84% amending their song simultaneously. 00:16:36.150 --> 00:16:38.760 align:middle line:84% Telepathy, she thought, arises as a means 00:16:38.760 --> 00:16:42.630 align:middle line:84% of preserving culture in conditions of diaspora. 00:16:42.630 --> 00:16:45.720 align:middle line:84% Computers were corporate simulations of telepathy, 00:16:45.720 --> 00:16:48.240 align:middle line:84% but for whales the telepathic songs 00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:51.450 align:middle line:84% were a form of prayer, each note an indication 00:16:51.450 --> 00:16:54.450 align:middle line:84% to a deity they could understand. 00:16:54.450 --> 00:16:57.240 align:middle line:84% She did believe that poetry and music were twins 00:16:57.240 --> 00:16:58.980 align:middle line:90% in prayer in the beginning. 00:16:58.980 --> 00:17:01.860 align:middle line:84% Devotions driving the gods down into the heart 00:17:01.860 --> 00:17:04.170 align:middle line:90% spinning them into ourselves. 00:17:04.170 --> 00:17:06.420 align:middle line:84% Music wasn't difficult to learn, then, 00:17:06.420 --> 00:17:09.750 align:middle line:84% with harps from the bones and hair of mastodons, 00:17:09.750 --> 00:17:12.480 align:middle line:84% tempi based on the rhythm of running hooves, 00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:15.869 align:middle line:84% and chirps to deepen the breathing bring oxygen 00:17:15.869 --> 00:17:19.109 align:middle line:84% to the blood, song giving the fire for labor, 00:17:19.109 --> 00:17:24.420 align:middle line:84% or becoming an incantation that taunted the tribal dark. 00:17:24.420 --> 00:17:26.220 align:middle line:84% Gulls swooped and [AUDIO OUT] mind began 00:17:26.220 --> 00:17:29.190 align:middle line:84% to clear as the rain thinned out to a drizzle. 00:17:29.190 --> 00:17:31.560 align:middle line:84% She imagined her body as fields of sound 00:17:31.560 --> 00:17:34.560 align:middle line:84% in order to see how she felt in every part of herself, 00:17:34.560 --> 00:17:38.190 align:middle line:84% to find where the static was, the secret thresholds 00:17:38.190 --> 00:17:40.650 align:middle line:90% and securest places. 00:17:40.650 --> 00:17:42.960 align:middle line:84% She asked herself avid questions. 00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:45.090 align:middle line:90% What notes have you heard today? 00:17:45.090 --> 00:17:48.900 align:middle line:84% For as the wise composer Azebub Sobelow said, 00:17:48.900 --> 00:17:52.830 align:middle line:84% "the shape of your mind is the shape of your daily music." 00:17:52.830 --> 00:17:55.440 align:middle line:84% She asked herself in a fascist state, 00:17:55.440 --> 00:17:58.710 align:middle line:84% which is more dangerous, poetry or music? 00:17:58.710 --> 00:18:01.050 align:middle line:84% She wondered what singer had said, 00:18:01.050 --> 00:18:03.030 align:middle line:84% "give me a peach or a pear, because you 00:18:03.030 --> 00:18:04.560 align:middle line:90% know it's been cold." 00:18:04.560 --> 00:18:07.530 align:middle line:84% She wondered which is more efficient in postponing 00:18:07.530 --> 00:18:10.410 align:middle line:90% death, music or poetry? 00:18:10.410 --> 00:18:12.720 align:middle line:84% Sex was a deep postponer of death, 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:14.850 align:middle line:84% and she thought of the songs of courtship, 00:18:14.850 --> 00:18:17.400 align:middle line:84% ranging from the sweetest of human murmurs, 00:18:17.400 --> 00:18:20.490 align:middle line:84% to the yelping of hyenas mating only every couple 00:18:20.490 --> 00:18:23.430 align:middle line:84% of years with acrimonious brevity. 00:18:23.430 --> 00:18:26.400 align:middle line:84% She wondered if the spiral was the essential pattern 00:18:26.400 --> 00:18:29.100 align:middle line:84% in nature, what was the essential [AUDIO OUT]?? 00:18:29.100 --> 00:18:31.800 align:middle line:84% She wondered would she ever be able to write a poem that 00:18:31.800 --> 00:18:34.550 align:middle line:84% wasn't a poem, a meeting of the inaudible 00:18:34.550 --> 00:18:38.390 align:middle line:84% and audible that came across as a chord? 00:18:38.390 --> 00:18:39.980 align:middle line:90% The sky cleared for a minute. 00:18:39.980 --> 00:18:41.660 align:middle line:90% She heard no bass line. 00:18:41.660 --> 00:18:44.360 align:middle line:84% Nowhere was there the unpredictable undertow 00:18:44.360 --> 00:18:45.890 align:middle line:90% of his guitar. 00:18:45.890 --> 00:18:48.590 align:middle line:84% Everything she cared for happened all the time, 00:18:48.590 --> 00:18:51.650 align:middle line:84% but what if she stopped caring even though she was just 00:18:51.650 --> 00:18:53.900 align:middle line:90% getting used to it? 00:18:53.900 --> 00:18:55.820 align:middle line:84% As the clouds began to shred away 00:18:55.820 --> 00:18:58.380 align:middle line:84% she remembered that for the last several weeks 00:18:58.380 --> 00:19:00.500 align:middle line:84% she had been dreaming about music. 00:19:00.500 --> 00:19:04.040 align:middle line:84% She unearthed the dreams easily as the sky brightened 00:19:04.040 --> 00:19:06.200 align:middle line:90% the silence around her. 00:19:06.200 --> 00:19:10.400 align:middle line:84% I dream of Easter music rising like bread as the choir sang, 00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:14.690 align:middle line:84% another of a silvery unplaceable song of a two-year-old, 00:19:14.690 --> 00:19:17.330 align:middle line:84% another a nightmare stuffed with the sounds made 00:19:17.330 --> 00:19:19.940 align:middle line:84% by swans and giraffes with broken necks, 00:19:19.940 --> 00:19:22.640 align:middle line:84% sounds full of anger at the bass guitarist. 00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:26.450 align:middle line:84% Another where she sat dropping a wad of paper on a bongo 00:19:26.450 --> 00:19:29.420 align:middle line:84% drum from a distance of three feet, the weak feeling 00:19:29.420 --> 00:19:30.800 align:middle line:90% of waiting for him to call. 00:19:30.800 --> 00:19:33.740 align:middle line:84% The best one and the longest was a dream 00:19:33.740 --> 00:19:37.640 align:middle line:84% where "ah dah dah" was hummed again and again giving 00:19:37.640 --> 00:19:41.540 align:middle line:84% a breathy background to a pure melodious lead guiding her 00:19:41.540 --> 00:19:43.580 align:middle line:84% to a place where a crowd of people 00:19:43.580 --> 00:19:45.860 align:middle line:84% cried, "where are the saxophones? 00:19:45.860 --> 00:19:47.480 align:middle line:90% Where are the saxophones?" 00:19:47.480 --> 00:19:50.900 align:middle line:84% And a singing came up to her singing, "no matter what 00:19:50.900 --> 00:19:53.360 align:middle line:84% it ain't going to look nothing, but like a poem," 00:19:53.360 --> 00:19:58.620 align:middle line:84% and she nodded in the dream and agreed with him. 00:19:58.620 --> 00:20:02.036 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:20:02.036 --> 00:20:10.090 align:middle line:90% 00:20:10.090 --> 00:20:12.600 align:middle line:84% Your applause allows me to drink water 00:20:12.600 --> 00:20:15.390 align:middle line:84% without anyone quite realizing it. 00:20:15.390 --> 00:20:18.270 align:middle line:84% I always have a hard time drinking water at meetings, 00:20:18.270 --> 00:20:21.402 align:middle line:84% but in the desert, it's absolutely essential. 00:20:21.402 --> 00:20:24.360 align:middle line:90% 00:20:24.360 --> 00:20:28.920 align:middle line:84% This is the half hour story, and I'm reading 00:20:28.920 --> 00:20:30.270 align:middle line:90% an abbreviated version-- 00:20:30.270 --> 00:20:31.800 align:middle line:84% that is it will take a half an hour, 00:20:31.800 --> 00:20:35.490 align:middle line:84% but the full story would take a lot-- 00:20:35.490 --> 00:20:38.640 align:middle line:84% what you're getting is parts, but I hope 00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:40.950 align:middle line:90% they are the essential parts. 00:20:40.950 --> 00:20:44.340 align:middle line:84% I'll pause when there's a significant jump from section 00:20:44.340 --> 00:20:45.090 align:middle line:90% to section. 00:20:45.090 --> 00:20:47.100 align:middle line:90% There will be a little silence. 00:20:47.100 --> 00:20:50.370 align:middle line:84% And the man with the guitar and this story 00:20:50.370 --> 00:20:53.250 align:middle line:84% bears no relation to the man in the previous story. 00:20:53.250 --> 00:20:57.900 align:middle line:84% Those of you who are hunting for facts and biography. 00:20:57.900 --> 00:21:01.590 align:middle line:90% And none of it is true anyway. 00:21:01.590 --> 00:21:03.390 align:middle line:84% This is called "Still Life with Bath." 00:21:03.390 --> 00:21:07.930 align:middle line:90% 00:21:07.930 --> 00:21:08.770 align:middle line:90% What was this again? 00:21:08.770 --> 00:21:10.045 align:middle line:90% "Still Life with Bath." 00:21:10.045 --> 00:21:13.970 align:middle line:90% 00:21:13.970 --> 00:21:18.170 align:middle line:84% She ran the bath full force into the long old-fashioned tub 00:21:18.170 --> 00:21:21.590 align:middle line:84% and then she climbed in and lay like a stone in the water, 00:21:21.590 --> 00:21:24.470 align:middle line:84% listening to the slow, buoyant voice singing, 00:21:24.470 --> 00:21:26.630 align:middle line:84% "you can get it if you really want," 00:21:26.630 --> 00:21:29.570 align:middle line:84% announcing the beginning of the reggae hour. 00:21:29.570 --> 00:21:31.940 align:middle line:84% She lay tidily under the foam as if she 00:21:31.940 --> 00:21:35.240 align:middle line:84% were stone ground tiny after centuries of polishing 00:21:35.240 --> 00:21:36.650 align:middle line:90% at the bottom of a lake. 00:21:36.650 --> 00:21:39.050 align:middle line:84% She had been taking two and three baths a day 00:21:39.050 --> 00:21:41.330 align:middle line:84% because, she joked to herself, when 00:21:41.330 --> 00:21:45.410 align:middle line:84% she took showers she thought she heard the phone ringing. 00:21:45.410 --> 00:21:47.990 align:middle line:84% They used up a great deal of time, the baths, 00:21:47.990 --> 00:21:50.330 align:middle line:84% but life was made up of time mostly. 00:21:50.330 --> 00:21:52.220 align:middle line:90% What else was there? 00:21:52.220 --> 00:21:54.650 align:middle line:84% She slid in deeper, almost supine, 00:21:54.650 --> 00:21:57.860 align:middle line:84% sinking into the heat and fragrance, the water touching 00:21:57.860 --> 00:22:00.140 align:middle line:90% her every place up to her neck. 00:22:00.140 --> 00:22:02.510 align:middle line:84% She closed her eyes and heard the bubbles 00:22:02.510 --> 00:22:06.470 align:middle line:84% crackling next to her ears like a light distant ring. 00:22:06.470 --> 00:22:11.543 align:middle line:84% In the bath she was safe, alone with him. 00:22:11.543 --> 00:22:13.460 align:middle line:84% They could do nothing wrong, because they were 00:22:13.460 --> 00:22:15.350 align:middle line:90% inappropriate from the start. 00:22:15.350 --> 00:22:17.720 align:middle line:84% Every move they made in any direction 00:22:17.720 --> 00:22:20.060 align:middle line:90% brought them closer to the end. 00:22:20.060 --> 00:22:21.830 align:middle line:84% There was no waiting to understand 00:22:21.830 --> 00:22:23.570 align:middle line:90% what time had in mind for them. 00:22:23.570 --> 00:22:27.080 align:middle line:84% It had nothing in mind, though it would let them dance. 00:22:27.080 --> 00:22:29.270 align:middle line:84% They spent hours flying to each other, 00:22:29.270 --> 00:22:32.210 align:middle line:84% watching time go backward or pull forward. 00:22:32.210 --> 00:22:35.870 align:middle line:84% New York, California, New Mexico, New Hampshire, 00:22:35.870 --> 00:22:39.050 align:middle line:84% substituting enormities of space for the skimpiness 00:22:39.050 --> 00:22:40.220 align:middle line:90% of their future. 00:22:40.220 --> 00:22:43.460 align:middle line:84% He traveled to play music, she traveled to give lectures, 00:22:43.460 --> 00:22:47.030 align:middle line:84% and the rest of the time they lived 3,000 miles apart, 00:22:47.030 --> 00:22:50.450 align:middle line:84% talking on the flight phone that was now perfectly, quietly, 00:22:50.450 --> 00:22:51.200 align:middle line:90% silent. 00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:54.170 align:middle line:90% He might be anywhere. 00:22:54.170 --> 00:22:57.260 align:middle line:84% Where did we see that crazy guy wearing a sandwich board that 00:22:57.260 --> 00:23:00.860 align:middle line:84% said, "I need a woman," he said, "was that in Soho? 00:23:00.860 --> 00:23:02.870 align:middle line:90% On Telegraph Avenue?" 00:23:02.870 --> 00:23:04.670 align:middle line:90% "The streets were really dirty." 00:23:04.670 --> 00:23:05.660 align:middle line:90% "It wasn't LA." 00:23:05.660 --> 00:23:07.100 align:middle line:90% "No, it was cold." 00:23:07.100 --> 00:23:09.140 align:middle line:84% "That week in Santa Fe when it snowed. 00:23:09.140 --> 00:23:11.220 align:middle line:84% No, there are so many women there. 00:23:11.220 --> 00:23:14.000 align:middle line:84% Can you imagine having to advertise?" 00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:16.160 align:middle line:84% Sometimes the exact tone of his voice 00:23:16.160 --> 00:23:18.680 align:middle line:84% would come back to pierce her before she could attach it 00:23:18.680 --> 00:23:21.890 align:middle line:84% to meaning, so that it went directly into her body. 00:23:21.890 --> 00:23:23.270 align:middle line:90% Advertise? 00:23:23.270 --> 00:23:26.300 align:middle line:84% His musical voice would fade in an upward querying 00:23:26.300 --> 00:23:28.970 align:middle line:90% tone, marveling at everything. 00:23:28.970 --> 00:23:31.550 align:middle line:84% He loved to talk, loved to hear her talk. 00:23:31.550 --> 00:23:33.260 align:middle line:90% "Come on, what do you think?" 00:23:33.260 --> 00:23:37.070 align:middle line:84% Loved all responsiveness in speech, comebacks, repartee, 00:23:37.070 --> 00:23:40.550 align:middle line:84% compliments given and taken, ensemble work. 00:23:40.550 --> 00:23:43.460 align:middle line:84% He was the only distinctly handsome man she had ever met 00:23:43.460 --> 00:23:47.270 align:middle line:84% who didn't secretly want to be alone. 00:23:47.270 --> 00:23:48.740 align:middle line:84% "I just called to hear your voice," 00:23:48.740 --> 00:23:51.470 align:middle line:84% he would say after she picked up the flight phone. 00:23:51.470 --> 00:23:54.530 align:middle line:84% "Say anything, I get this literally a physical feeling 00:23:54.530 --> 00:23:55.760 align:middle line:90% when I talk to you." 00:23:55.760 --> 00:23:58.100 align:middle line:84% And he would listen to her as if she were music, 00:23:58.100 --> 00:24:00.650 align:middle line:84% the sound waves from her body corresponding 00:24:00.650 --> 00:24:03.920 align:middle line:84% to some perfect score in his mind, just as their bodies 00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:07.340 align:middle line:84% fit together perfectly in gesture, dancing, sleeping, 00:24:07.340 --> 00:24:11.780 align:middle line:84% making love, standing close together on a crowded train. 00:24:11.780 --> 00:24:14.390 align:middle line:84% "Listening can be difficult," he said, "most things 00:24:14.390 --> 00:24:15.680 align:middle line:90% don't make a sound. 00:24:15.680 --> 00:24:18.050 align:middle line:84% The carpet, for instance, is silent, 00:24:18.050 --> 00:24:21.720 align:middle line:84% but everything can be touched, everything can be seen." 00:24:21.720 --> 00:24:23.610 align:middle line:84% She liked that and wrote it down. 00:24:23.610 --> 00:24:26.450 align:middle line:84% Everything can be touched, everything can be seen. 00:24:26.450 --> 00:24:33.400 align:middle line:90% 00:24:33.400 --> 00:24:35.170 align:middle line:84% He fell in love with her quickly, 00:24:35.170 --> 00:24:38.170 align:middle line:84% like a snap judgment that had the depth of years 00:24:38.170 --> 00:24:39.850 align:middle line:90% of consideration. 00:24:39.850 --> 00:24:41.740 align:middle line:84% He insisted that it was not enough to be 00:24:41.740 --> 00:24:44.800 align:middle line:84% loved, if she was already loved by the man she was seeing. 00:24:44.800 --> 00:24:46.960 align:middle line:84% You had to be loved for the right reasons. 00:24:46.960 --> 00:24:49.600 align:middle line:84% "You're gentle, you're witty, you have a sense of honor," 00:24:49.600 --> 00:24:51.970 align:middle line:84% he said, "I've been searching for years." 00:24:51.970 --> 00:24:54.730 align:middle line:84% "You haven't been alive for years," she teased. 00:24:54.730 --> 00:24:56.000 align:middle line:90% He ignored her. 00:24:56.000 --> 00:24:57.950 align:middle line:90% He was in pursuit, persuasive. 00:24:57.950 --> 00:25:00.460 align:middle line:84% "You're a Jane Austen heroine with the body of--" 00:25:00.460 --> 00:25:03.250 align:middle line:84% and he showed her, turning her to face the full length 00:25:03.250 --> 00:25:07.060 align:middle line:84% mirror and the light of the one candle, opening her thin robe, 00:25:07.060 --> 00:25:09.520 align:middle line:84% giving her her image with his hands on her 00:25:09.520 --> 00:25:13.960 align:middle line:84% as if he were softly rubbing his vision into her skin. 00:25:13.960 --> 00:25:17.620 align:middle line:84% She closed her eyes and felt his 10 fingers as 20 fingers, 00:25:17.620 --> 00:25:19.540 align:middle line:84% telling her the story of her life. 00:25:19.540 --> 00:25:22.390 align:middle line:90% She had never heard it before. 00:25:22.390 --> 00:25:25.570 align:middle line:84% "I used to think 19th century heroines didn't have bodies," 00:25:25.570 --> 00:25:28.900 align:middle line:84% he said later as they lay in the wide bed, his own body 00:25:28.900 --> 00:25:32.740 align:middle line:84% palomino, a thin film of perspiration on his chest, 00:25:32.740 --> 00:25:35.650 align:middle line:84% a faint silvery smell on his skin. 00:25:35.650 --> 00:25:38.230 align:middle line:84% She watched his chest rising and falling, 00:25:38.230 --> 00:25:41.260 align:middle line:84% watched the curtains glide inward in the evening breeze 00:25:41.260 --> 00:25:43.930 align:middle line:84% stirring the scent of jasmine into the room. 00:25:43.930 --> 00:25:46.690 align:middle line:90% They talked until sunrise. 00:25:46.690 --> 00:25:48.790 align:middle line:84% When I was 10 I was [AUDIO OUT],"," she chattered. 00:25:48.790 --> 00:25:52.660 align:middle line:84% "I thought I'd never find a boy as smart as I was to kiss, 00:25:52.660 --> 00:25:54.680 align:middle line:84% so I let Billy Emerson come over. 00:25:54.680 --> 00:25:57.760 align:middle line:84% He was very good looking, and I tutored him. 00:25:57.760 --> 00:26:03.130 align:middle line:84% I told him 98% of the people in Colombia are peasant farmers. 00:26:03.130 --> 00:26:05.260 align:middle line:84% When Mrs. Penniman called on him in class, 00:26:05.260 --> 00:26:08.500 align:middle line:84% he said, 98% of the people in Colombia 00:26:08.500 --> 00:26:10.780 align:middle line:90% are pleasant foreigners. 00:26:10.780 --> 00:26:13.810 align:middle line:90% I couldn't kiss him." 00:26:13.810 --> 00:26:14.500 align:middle line:90% He laughed. 00:26:14.500 --> 00:26:15.910 align:middle line:90% "I would have liked you at 10. 00:26:15.910 --> 00:26:17.380 align:middle line:90% Such a serious girl. 00:26:17.380 --> 00:26:20.860 align:middle line:84% Of course when you were 10, I wasn't born yet." 00:26:20.860 --> 00:26:23.650 align:middle line:84% She thought of their reflections in movie lobby mirrors, 00:26:23.650 --> 00:26:27.970 align:middle line:84% of the occasional sharp glances from passers by, women his age 00:26:27.970 --> 00:26:31.270 align:middle line:84% the worst, clear-eyed and condescending. 00:26:31.270 --> 00:26:34.090 align:middle line:84% Once they had cataloged those glances in the beginning 00:26:34.090 --> 00:26:36.070 align:middle line:90% when it was almost amusing. 00:26:36.070 --> 00:26:39.040 align:middle line:84% Boston's were meanest, San Francisco next, 00:26:39.040 --> 00:26:40.960 align:middle line:84% New York and Los Angeles were indulgent 00:26:40.960 --> 00:26:45.610 align:middle line:84% and saw them holding hands as young lovers. 00:26:45.610 --> 00:26:48.190 align:middle line:84% On the bus from Worcester to Lee where friends had lent them 00:26:48.190 --> 00:26:50.980 align:middle line:84% a house in the Berkshires for 10 days, a house filled 00:26:50.980 --> 00:26:53.050 align:middle line:84% with American antiques that would burnish 00:26:53.050 --> 00:26:55.330 align:middle line:84% their impermanence with continuity, 00:26:55.330 --> 00:26:58.570 align:middle line:84% they relinquish themselves to the plush seats, relieved 00:26:58.570 --> 00:27:00.640 align:middle line:84% to be setting out on a journey together, 00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:03.970 align:middle line:84% and heard Yankee voices behind them. 00:27:03.970 --> 00:27:05.230 align:middle line:90% "How you doing, Louis?" 00:27:05.230 --> 00:27:06.310 align:middle line:90% "Getting old." 00:27:06.310 --> 00:27:07.740 align:middle line:90% "That's healthy." 00:27:07.740 --> 00:27:09.460 align:middle line:90% "Going to visit my kid brother." 00:27:09.460 --> 00:27:10.340 align:middle line:90% "Jackie?" 00:27:10.340 --> 00:27:11.500 align:middle line:90% "Yep, getting married. 00:27:11.500 --> 00:27:13.750 align:middle line:90% Woman 12 years older than him." 00:27:13.750 --> 00:27:16.600 align:middle line:84% "Ah, yeah," the man sympathized, "poor fella." 00:27:16.600 --> 00:27:18.580 align:middle line:84% "Well, you know, she's got a business. 00:27:18.580 --> 00:27:20.950 align:middle line:90% He's in it for the green." 00:27:20.950 --> 00:27:23.650 align:middle line:84% It was the first time they had avoided anything together, 00:27:23.650 --> 00:27:26.110 align:middle line:84% sitting there without speaking, her head buried 00:27:26.110 --> 00:27:27.670 align:middle line:90% in Anna Karenina. 00:27:27.670 --> 00:27:30.010 align:middle line:84% Vronsky was younger, she was sure. 00:27:30.010 --> 00:27:32.845 align:middle line:84% She herself had no green, so there was no question. 00:27:32.845 --> 00:27:38.830 align:middle line:90% 00:27:38.830 --> 00:27:43.010 align:middle line:84% The music was moving on now, up and down, sultry and dignified, 00:27:43.010 --> 00:27:45.320 align:middle line:90% no woman no cry. 00:27:45.320 --> 00:27:47.510 align:middle line:84% They had danced to Bob Marley and the Wailers 00:27:47.510 --> 00:27:49.520 align:middle line:84% in a ballroom on Columbus Avenue. 00:27:49.520 --> 00:27:53.330 align:middle line:84% The Wailers' hair like live twigs smeared with ocher. 00:27:53.330 --> 00:27:56.600 align:middle line:84% They [AUDIO OUT] like wands, like waves, like semaphores, 00:27:56.600 --> 00:28:00.680 align:middle line:84% had made love like pistons that night, a real screwing. 00:28:00.680 --> 00:28:03.110 align:middle line:84% Bob Marley was singing about anger and hunger 00:28:03.110 --> 00:28:04.730 align:middle line:90% and how connected they are. 00:28:04.730 --> 00:28:07.640 align:middle line:84% That was politics, of course, but if you wanted someone 00:28:07.640 --> 00:28:11.750 align:middle line:84% and you couldn't have them that, too, made you furious. 00:28:11.750 --> 00:28:14.930 align:middle line:84% She remembered the insinuating sound of the drum played 00:28:14.930 --> 00:28:17.750 align:middle line:84% by Peter the smart boy she chased in high school, 00:28:17.750 --> 00:28:20.420 align:middle line:84% one light conga so exquisitely timed 00:28:20.420 --> 00:28:23.480 align:middle line:84% it hurt, two notes the same and one down, 00:28:23.480 --> 00:28:27.140 align:middle line:84% the sound a dent might make in something, off somehow, 00:28:27.140 --> 00:28:30.410 align:middle line:84% not where you expect anything to happen. 00:28:30.410 --> 00:28:34.430 align:middle line:84% She liked things off, unstable syntax, the frothy white 00:28:34.430 --> 00:28:37.790 align:middle line:84% ballerina pirouetting among the syncopated dancers 00:28:37.790 --> 00:28:41.510 align:middle line:84% in red Hawaiian shirts shrugging and swaying to the Beach Boys 00:28:41.510 --> 00:28:44.630 align:middle line:84% on a stage where overalled dancers sprayed graffiti 00:28:44.630 --> 00:28:46.820 align:middle line:84% on a backdrop that rolled upward, 00:28:46.820 --> 00:28:49.210 align:middle line:84% allowing them more and more clean canvas, 00:28:49.210 --> 00:28:52.330 align:middle line:90% another chance and another. 00:28:52.330 --> 00:28:54.730 align:middle line:84% And after that dance concert, the night before one 00:28:54.730 --> 00:28:56.590 align:middle line:84% of her planes to California, [AUDIO OUT] 00:28:56.590 --> 00:28:58.720 align:middle line:84% back to the 79th Street brownstone 00:28:58.720 --> 00:29:01.750 align:middle line:84% he was taking care of and they played pool. 00:29:01.750 --> 00:29:04.900 align:middle line:84% She'd watched him right angled over the table, his rump 00:29:04.900 --> 00:29:08.380 align:middle line:84% up, that perfect curve, the bright clack of billiard balls 00:29:08.380 --> 00:29:10.900 align:middle line:84% and green felt under the chandelier. 00:29:10.900 --> 00:29:13.000 align:middle line:84% His grace and muscle teaching her 00:29:13.000 --> 00:29:16.870 align:middle line:84% how all the balls would fit eventually into the pockets. 00:29:16.870 --> 00:29:19.750 align:middle line:84% He hadn't liked the ballerina, a solecism. 00:29:19.750 --> 00:29:22.780 align:middle line:84% He liked Mozart, tennis courts, geometry 00:29:22.780 --> 00:29:27.430 align:middle line:84% of ebony circles on white soccer balls, everything perfect. 00:29:27.430 --> 00:29:31.530 align:middle line:84% Having set up his absolutes, however, he liked to improvise. 00:29:31.530 --> 00:29:34.290 align:middle line:84% And before going to bed, they played hockey 00:29:34.290 --> 00:29:38.130 align:middle line:84% with a broom and bagel down the long Italian tiled hall, 00:29:38.130 --> 00:29:41.370 align:middle line:84% the bagel banging up against the cream colored walls, 00:29:41.370 --> 00:29:43.270 align:middle line:90% she bent over laughing. 00:29:43.270 --> 00:29:45.480 align:middle line:90% Come on, Raggedy Ann, play. 00:29:45.480 --> 00:29:50.160 align:middle line:84% And when he won by inches, goal, he took off her clothes. 00:29:50.160 --> 00:29:53.070 align:middle line:84% She pushed the door closed with her foot to keep the heat in, 00:29:53.070 --> 00:29:56.370 align:middle line:84% the reggae lyrics buried now in the impeccable, staggered 00:29:56.370 --> 00:29:57.210 align:middle line:90% rhythms. 00:29:57.210 --> 00:29:59.220 align:middle line:90% "Go get your weakness and dance. 00:29:59.220 --> 00:30:00.630 align:middle line:90% Keep lyin' up yourself. 00:30:00.630 --> 00:30:01.980 align:middle line:90% Ah, so far. 00:30:01.980 --> 00:30:02.910 align:middle line:90% Sapphire. 00:30:02.910 --> 00:30:05.310 align:middle line:90% So vicious, so furious." 00:30:05.310 --> 00:30:07.530 align:middle line:90% She couldn't quite make it out. 00:30:07.530 --> 00:30:09.660 align:middle line:84% There was no literal truth anyway. 00:30:09.660 --> 00:30:12.570 align:middle line:84% He had said they would never lose sight of one another. 00:30:12.570 --> 00:30:15.030 align:middle line:84% She remembered the exact words spoken 00:30:15.030 --> 00:30:17.550 align:middle line:84% at the end of one of their marathon conversations 00:30:17.550 --> 00:30:21.660 align:middle line:84% on the new phone with its dry, respectful, erotic ring, 00:30:21.660 --> 00:30:25.800 align:middle line:84% the white phone that allowed him to get through to her any time. 00:30:25.800 --> 00:30:29.490 align:middle line:84% They had talked three hours, four hours, five hours once, 00:30:29.490 --> 00:30:33.930 align:middle line:84% sickened by the stale intimacy with the plastic receiver, 00:30:33.930 --> 00:30:36.300 align:middle line:84% unconsummated by touch or sight-- 00:30:36.300 --> 00:30:39.630 align:middle line:84% he was wrong, not everything could be touched or seen, 00:30:39.630 --> 00:30:41.820 align:middle line:90% but unable to hang up. 00:30:41.820 --> 00:30:43.800 align:middle line:84% He had made love to her over the phone. 00:30:43.800 --> 00:30:45.090 align:middle line:90% "I want you." 00:30:45.090 --> 00:30:47.040 align:middle line:84% They were murmuring into the receivers, 00:30:47.040 --> 00:30:50.340 align:middle line:84% inciting each other, when they heard voices, a mother 00:30:50.340 --> 00:30:53.040 align:middle line:84% and daughter in Santa Fe and Wisconsin, 00:30:53.040 --> 00:30:57.233 align:middle line:84% a conversation about herbs, Midwestern, innocent. 00:30:57.233 --> 00:30:59.400 align:middle line:84% "You should always collect the leaves in the morning 00:30:59.400 --> 00:31:03.060 align:middle line:84% after the dew is off and just spread them out on the floor." 00:31:03.060 --> 00:31:03.990 align:middle line:90% "You're on a line!" 00:31:03.990 --> 00:31:07.380 align:middle line:84% They cried out, inflamed, as if a shade had snapped up 00:31:07.380 --> 00:31:10.560 align:middle line:84% and their neighbors now peered in at them writhing in joy 00:31:10.560 --> 00:31:14.260 align:middle line:90% and abandon on a rumpled bed. 00:31:14.260 --> 00:31:15.990 align:middle line:84% She was really alone with him now, 00:31:15.990 --> 00:31:19.530 align:middle line:84% in that limbo where her mind, sometimes in a loud whisper, 00:31:19.530 --> 00:31:21.630 align:middle line:84% worked out the figures of her longing 00:31:21.630 --> 00:31:24.060 align:middle line:90% against a wallpaper of silence. 00:31:24.060 --> 00:31:27.360 align:middle line:84% She had become accustomed to soliloquy, loneliness, 00:31:27.360 --> 00:31:31.170 align:middle line:84% the single voice, a solitude that worked so deeply on her 00:31:31.170 --> 00:31:34.080 align:middle line:84% it seemed to alter her fingerprints. 00:31:34.080 --> 00:31:37.230 align:middle line:84% His actual presence had kept her from echoes. 00:31:37.230 --> 00:31:40.470 align:middle line:84% After being with him she always felt at one with herself, 00:31:40.470 --> 00:31:42.330 align:middle line:90% smoothed into shape. 00:31:42.330 --> 00:31:44.550 align:middle line:84% She breathed more easily then, as 00:31:44.550 --> 00:31:46.500 align:middle line:84% if inhaling a meadow's sweetness, 00:31:46.500 --> 00:31:51.600 align:middle line:84% fragrance of cowslip, oxbreath, self-heal. 00:31:51.600 --> 00:31:53.430 align:middle line:84% Often he played the guitar and sang 00:31:53.430 --> 00:31:56.010 align:middle line:84% her to sleep in a rich tenor baritone that 00:31:56.010 --> 00:31:58.140 align:middle line:84% was clear at the center with the slightest 00:31:58.140 --> 00:32:01.560 align:middle line:84% roughness at the edges, like tiny cilia that picked up 00:32:01.560 --> 00:32:03.510 align:middle line:90% feeling from the air. 00:32:03.510 --> 00:32:06.600 align:middle line:84% When he sang to her she became a child, time slid over 00:32:06.600 --> 00:32:09.060 align:middle line:84% so that he had more of it, sleep releasing 00:32:09.060 --> 00:32:12.630 align:middle line:84% her face into a youthfulness he remarked on. 00:32:12.630 --> 00:32:16.590 align:middle line:84% He sang piercing, primitive Irish songs, Beatle songs, 00:32:16.590 --> 00:32:19.380 align:middle line:84% the blues, and his own songs whose abruptly 00:32:19.380 --> 00:32:22.200 align:middle line:84% modulated melodies seemed to come from a place 00:32:22.200 --> 00:32:25.140 align:middle line:84% where things existed in their original condition 00:32:25.140 --> 00:32:28.890 align:middle line:84% without anger, without irony, without pain. 00:32:28.890 --> 00:32:30.780 align:middle line:84% He and she were as intimate then, 00:32:30.780 --> 00:32:33.810 align:middle line:84% as he sat on the bed coupling them in his harmonies, 00:32:33.810 --> 00:32:35.400 align:middle line:90% as when they were making love. 00:32:35.400 --> 00:32:41.960 align:middle line:90% 00:32:41.960 --> 00:32:44.540 align:middle line:84% The reggae was louder now, a slow rhythm, 00:32:44.540 --> 00:32:48.140 align:middle line:84% a rhythm that sank to its knees before it got up again. 00:32:48.140 --> 00:32:52.340 align:middle line:84% Then Earl Zero was saying, "it's a rough life, but after a while 00:32:52.340 --> 00:32:54.530 align:middle line:90% you see the benefits later." 00:32:54.530 --> 00:32:57.920 align:middle line:84% His voice reminded her of deep blue smoke, distant coffee 00:32:57.920 --> 00:32:59.240 align:middle line:90% plantations. 00:32:59.240 --> 00:33:03.410 align:middle line:84% "I and I paralyze all weak heart conceptions," Zero said. 00:33:03.410 --> 00:33:06.380 align:middle line:90% I and I, that curious plural. 00:33:06.380 --> 00:33:08.090 align:middle line:90% They had not made it to plural. 00:33:08.090 --> 00:33:10.010 align:middle line:84% "We're a hybrid," he muttered to her one 00:33:10.010 --> 00:33:13.400 align:middle line:84% night when he had fallen into a scrabbling darkness, 00:33:13.400 --> 00:33:16.280 align:middle line:90% "nature hates us." 00:33:16.280 --> 00:33:18.440 align:middle line:84% Unhappiness transformed him as she had never 00:33:18.440 --> 00:33:20.750 align:middle line:90% seen anyone transformed by it. 00:33:20.750 --> 00:33:23.840 align:middle line:84% His blond hair would darken considerably in his misery. 00:33:23.840 --> 00:33:27.680 align:middle line:84% She didn't know the chemistry of this, but she saw it happen. 00:33:27.680 --> 00:33:29.450 align:middle line:84% A vein would bulge in his temple, 00:33:29.450 --> 00:33:32.330 align:middle line:84% faint imperfections in your skin would show up 00:33:32.330 --> 00:33:34.490 align:middle line:90% as pits in his complexion. 00:33:34.490 --> 00:33:36.890 align:middle line:84% He would leave a light on then, all night, 00:33:36.890 --> 00:33:40.610 align:middle line:84% to guard his fragile sleep, and get up in the morning blinking 00:33:40.610 --> 00:33:44.690 align:middle line:84% out the new day, his eyes as sensitive as an albino's. 00:33:44.690 --> 00:33:46.760 align:middle line:84% "A headache, I have them often, as 00:33:46.760 --> 00:33:50.270 align:middle line:90% if I hit my head on a drawer." 00:33:50.270 --> 00:33:52.520 align:middle line:84% His play of shadow and light drew her in 00:33:52.520 --> 00:33:55.490 align:middle line:84% and the return of his light was always worth waiting for. 00:33:55.490 --> 00:33:58.550 align:middle line:84% It felt like a morning light, all objects fresh 00:33:58.550 --> 00:34:00.710 align:middle line:90% under its gaze. 00:34:00.710 --> 00:34:02.720 align:middle line:84% "What do you do to have fun?" he said. 00:34:02.720 --> 00:34:05.540 align:middle line:84% It hadn't occurred to her-- a blurred category. 00:34:05.540 --> 00:34:08.090 align:middle line:84% Books, walks in the woods, travel 00:34:08.090 --> 00:34:10.040 align:middle line:90% with the man she'd been seeing? 00:34:10.040 --> 00:34:12.239 align:middle line:84% He took her to the arcade at the amusement park, 00:34:12.239 --> 00:34:15.080 align:middle line:84% and chased her through the constantly changing maze, 00:34:15.080 --> 00:34:18.710 align:middle line:84% the shrill electronic beeper announcing it to everyone. 00:34:18.710 --> 00:34:21.380 align:middle line:84% Then she chased him, the silenced beeper 00:34:21.380 --> 00:34:23.780 align:middle line:90% telling everyone he was hers. 00:34:23.780 --> 00:34:26.420 align:middle line:84% They were a perfect match, each wanting the other 00:34:26.420 --> 00:34:28.760 align:middle line:84% in the white labyrinth on the black screen, 00:34:28.760 --> 00:34:33.139 align:middle line:84% each determined in pursuit, each skittish in escape. 00:34:33.139 --> 00:34:36.320 align:middle line:84% Then they played the pinball machines, the most garish one, 00:34:36.320 --> 00:34:37.370 align:middle line:90% Future Spa. 00:34:37.370 --> 00:34:40.580 align:middle line:84% He expertly releasing the ball so it made contact. 00:34:40.580 --> 00:34:43.489 align:middle line:90% There, there, again, there. 00:34:43.489 --> 00:34:45.469 align:middle line:90% The hits lit up for him-- spa! 00:34:45.469 --> 00:34:48.110 align:middle line:84% A hair's breath between no touch and the touch 00:34:48.110 --> 00:34:50.300 align:middle line:90% that won everything. 00:34:50.300 --> 00:34:51.949 align:middle line:84% The ball dropped down in the gutters 00:34:51.949 --> 00:34:55.130 align:middle line:84% and raced back up again teasingly near the Future zone, 00:34:55.130 --> 00:34:57.410 align:middle line:84% when a good looking girl at the next machine 00:34:57.410 --> 00:35:01.760 align:middle line:84% gave him a long low-waves Hawaii satin look, and he lit up. 00:35:01.760 --> 00:35:04.520 align:middle line:84% He looked at all pretty women as if they were the highest 00:35:04.520 --> 00:35:07.610 align:middle line:84% waterfall in the world, with a delight and amazement 00:35:07.610 --> 00:35:09.200 align:middle line:90% that no one could mind. 00:35:09.200 --> 00:35:12.300 align:middle line:84% And lost interest, the ball rolling down to the bottom, 00:35:12.300 --> 00:35:15.020 align:middle line:84% making no contact, disappearing, a clear miss, 00:35:15.020 --> 00:35:18.590 align:middle line:90% darkness, you lost your chance. 00:35:18.590 --> 00:35:20.420 align:middle line:84% They sighed and moved on to the machines 00:35:20.420 --> 00:35:22.100 align:middle line:84% near the door of the arcade where 00:35:22.100 --> 00:35:25.340 align:middle line:84% the late sunlight streamed in and presented all the gold 00:35:25.340 --> 00:35:26.630 align:middle line:90% in his hair. 00:35:26.630 --> 00:35:29.660 align:middle line:84% While he was jabbing at the controls of Lunar Rescue, 00:35:29.660 --> 00:35:32.510 align:middle line:84% she put a nickel in the Your Mate machine 00:35:32.510 --> 00:35:36.830 align:middle line:84% that sat neatly in the midst of the ululations, menacing roars, 00:35:36.830 --> 00:35:39.710 align:middle line:84% twitters, beeps, gurgles, sick lost plane 00:35:39.710 --> 00:35:42.320 align:middle line:84% noises, and groundbreaking explosions 00:35:42.320 --> 00:35:44.360 align:middle line:84% that flashed around her in an atmosphere 00:35:44.360 --> 00:35:47.120 align:middle line:90% of continuous emergency. 00:35:47.120 --> 00:35:51.080 align:middle line:84% The card it dropped for him had a blonde on it circa 1932, 00:35:51.080 --> 00:35:54.290 align:middle line:84% she guessed, before even she was born. 00:35:54.290 --> 00:35:58.070 align:middle line:84% Across the way, Free Play winked like a pulse above his head, 00:35:58.070 --> 00:36:00.650 align:middle line:84% rewarding the quickness of his hand and eye. 00:36:00.650 --> 00:36:04.340 align:middle line:84% He was at home in those electronic complications. 00:36:04.340 --> 00:36:06.590 align:middle line:90% The card was musty and ancient. 00:36:06.590 --> 00:36:08.000 align:middle line:90% Your mate. 00:36:08.000 --> 00:36:09.920 align:middle line:84% The girl was dimpled, with ringlets, 00:36:09.920 --> 00:36:12.080 align:middle line:90% plump in a gingham dress. 00:36:12.080 --> 00:36:13.490 align:middle line:90% A matching blonde. 00:36:13.490 --> 00:36:15.780 align:middle line:90% Adorable as a kitchen window. 00:36:15.780 --> 00:36:18.890 align:middle line:84% They would have [AUDIO OUT] live in an ivy-covered cottage 00:36:18.890 --> 00:36:20.965 align:middle line:90% with roses lining the walk. 00:36:20.965 --> 00:36:22.340 align:middle line:84% He was in luck, because she would 00:36:22.340 --> 00:36:24.260 align:middle line:90% make the most perfect wife. 00:36:24.260 --> 00:36:25.520 align:middle line:90% A picket fence. 00:36:25.520 --> 00:36:29.240 align:middle line:84% He thanked her politely and looked away. 00:36:29.240 --> 00:36:31.020 align:middle line:90% And then there's a transition. 00:36:31.020 --> 00:36:33.710 align:middle line:84% They go for a walk on the beach, and he tells her 00:36:33.710 --> 00:36:36.200 align:middle line:84% that he'll want children in seven or eight years-- 00:36:36.200 --> 00:36:38.690 align:middle line:84% two or three children, and she realizes 00:36:38.690 --> 00:36:41.750 align:middle line:84% that the mathematics of that makes it impossible 00:36:41.750 --> 00:36:44.930 align:middle line:90% for them to be together. 00:36:44.930 --> 00:36:48.480 align:middle line:90% And then on another coast. 00:36:48.480 --> 00:36:50.420 align:middle line:84% They were listening to subdued Mozart, 00:36:50.420 --> 00:36:54.050 align:middle line:84% music for glass harmonica in a restaurant on the water. 00:36:54.050 --> 00:36:57.020 align:middle line:84% He looked at her across a table set with blue napkins, 00:36:57.020 --> 00:36:59.480 align:middle line:90% corn flowers, gleaming crystal. 00:36:59.480 --> 00:37:01.880 align:middle line:84% "If we had a child, she'd be so smart." 00:37:01.880 --> 00:37:02.870 align:middle line:90% "She?" 00:37:02.870 --> 00:37:05.600 align:middle line:84% "And have coppery green eyes like yours." 00:37:05.600 --> 00:37:07.970 align:middle line:90% "And soft lion hair like yours." 00:37:07.970 --> 00:37:10.910 align:middle line:84% Then they both look pained as if someone had pinched their faces 00:37:10.910 --> 00:37:14.300 align:middle line:84% with a metal clip, and he began to talk about his own childhood 00:37:14.300 --> 00:37:15.650 align:middle line:90% instead. 00:37:15.650 --> 00:37:17.870 align:middle line:84% There was a time, he rushed on, the summer he 00:37:17.870 --> 00:37:20.870 align:middle line:84% was seven, when he was at the cabin in the Maine woods, 00:37:20.870 --> 00:37:24.140 align:middle line:84% and after dinner they played Mozart on an old record player. 00:37:24.140 --> 00:37:28.520 align:middle line:84% Sometimes she said record player and he corrected her, "stereo." 00:37:28.520 --> 00:37:30.680 align:middle line:84% The first time he'd really noticed music 00:37:30.680 --> 00:37:33.860 align:middle line:84% by a composer who seemed to understand counterpoint 00:37:33.860 --> 00:37:36.200 align:middle line:84% and harmony since babyhood, his mother 00:37:36.200 --> 00:37:40.190 align:middle line:84% told him, a child no older than he was. 00:37:40.190 --> 00:37:43.070 align:middle line:84% I would have been 19, she thought, working in an office 00:37:43.070 --> 00:37:45.350 align:middle line:84% to earn my way through college, while he 00:37:45.350 --> 00:37:50.180 align:middle line:84% sat very small in a green wicker chair up way past his bedtime, 00:37:50.180 --> 00:37:52.790 align:middle line:84% listening to the Sinfonia Concertante 00:37:52.790 --> 00:37:55.340 align:middle line:84% against a bath of cricket sound, listening 00:37:55.340 --> 00:37:57.950 align:middle line:84% to the life move in it, completely at home 00:37:57.950 --> 00:38:00.560 align:middle line:90% in his own small life. 00:38:00.560 --> 00:38:02.990 align:middle line:84% He was sitting there, he said, fighting sleepiness, 00:38:02.990 --> 00:38:05.480 align:middle line:84% when a buck, antlers was young and wide, 00:38:05.480 --> 00:38:08.600 align:middle line:84% and then a doe, and then a fawn on fragile legs, 00:38:08.600 --> 00:38:11.270 align:middle line:84% emerged from the forest in the silken moonlight, 00:38:11.270 --> 00:38:14.600 align:middle line:84% holding perfectly still, completely at peace, 00:38:14.600 --> 00:38:19.190 align:middle line:84% elegantly gathered in the light to listen, ears flicked erect. 00:38:19.190 --> 00:38:21.630 align:middle line:84% "In a way, it was my first experience of quietness," 00:38:21.630 --> 00:38:22.130 align:middle line:90% he said. 00:38:22.130 --> 00:38:23.660 align:middle line:84% "And, you know, that evening made me 00:38:23.660 --> 00:38:27.560 align:middle line:84% understand in some dim way that music brings things to you. 00:38:27.560 --> 00:38:30.110 align:middle line:84% It made me think that if I could play music, 00:38:30.110 --> 00:38:32.540 align:middle line:84% an elegant piece would come to me." 00:38:32.540 --> 00:38:34.790 align:middle line:90% He laughed, "I'm still waiting." 00:38:34.790 --> 00:38:37.010 align:middle line:84% He reached for her hand across the table, 00:38:37.010 --> 00:38:38.780 align:middle line:84% ignoring the waitress who splashed 00:38:38.780 --> 00:38:40.640 align:middle line:90% ice water into their glasses. 00:38:40.640 --> 00:38:42.860 align:middle line:84% "Well, you've come to me anyway." 00:38:42.860 --> 00:38:44.240 align:middle line:90% "Am I an elegant piece?" 00:38:44.240 --> 00:38:45.500 align:middle line:90% She laughed. 00:38:45.500 --> 00:38:47.490 align:middle line:84% He didn't mind her lightening it up. 00:38:47.490 --> 00:38:50.120 align:middle line:84% She was just drawing back as she did sometimes 00:38:50.120 --> 00:38:53.930 align:middle line:84% when he held her so tight she felt like balsa, breakable. 00:38:53.930 --> 00:38:56.210 align:middle line:84% The way he drew back sometimes, too, 00:38:56.210 --> 00:38:58.340 align:middle line:84% each of them fully responsible for this 00:38:58.340 --> 00:39:00.860 align:middle line:90% walk along a precipice. 00:39:00.860 --> 00:39:03.170 align:middle line:84% They would distract each other as if they were invalids 00:39:03.170 --> 00:39:06.260 align:middle line:84% with months to live, playing gin rummy at midnight, 00:39:06.260 --> 00:39:08.900 align:middle line:84% baking apple pie at 2:00 AM, watching 00:39:08.900 --> 00:39:11.300 align:middle line:84% Katharine Hepburn on television till dawn, 00:39:11.300 --> 00:39:13.280 align:middle line:84% giving each other little quizzes-- 00:39:13.280 --> 00:39:15.770 align:middle line:84% "what two plays are about moonlight?"-- 00:39:15.770 --> 00:39:19.340 align:middle line:84% reading foolish comic books when they were most anguished. 00:39:19.340 --> 00:39:21.470 align:middle line:84% "Could this be paradise?" he intoned, 00:39:21.470 --> 00:39:24.140 align:middle line:84% "or is it only temporary before a real terror 00:39:24.140 --> 00:39:26.450 align:middle line:84% besiege [AUDIO OUT] bound by pure love, 00:39:26.450 --> 00:39:29.510 align:middle line:84% they share a secret knowledge of a mythical garden. 00:39:29.510 --> 00:39:31.910 align:middle line:84% And fate has smiled on their union, 00:39:31.910 --> 00:39:35.120 align:middle line:84% for few people who enter the twilight zone are ever 00:39:35.120 --> 00:39:38.000 align:middle line:90% allowed to return." 00:39:38.000 --> 00:39:39.470 align:middle line:84% She pushed up a little in the tub 00:39:39.470 --> 00:39:42.710 align:middle line:84% and felt the refreshment of the air on her arms and shoulders. 00:39:42.710 --> 00:39:45.540 align:middle line:84% Its sculpted coolness had a more knowing touch 00:39:45.540 --> 00:39:47.490 align:middle line:90% than the warmth of the water. 00:39:47.490 --> 00:39:50.310 align:middle line:84% She let one hand dangle over the edge of the tub 00:39:50.310 --> 00:39:52.830 align:middle line:84% as if her wrist were broken, her other hand 00:39:52.830 --> 00:39:56.940 align:middle line:84% waving the air in time to the music, "get up, stand up." 00:39:56.940 --> 00:39:59.610 align:middle line:84% She could hear the lyrics more clearly with her shoulders 00:39:59.610 --> 00:40:02.910 align:middle line:84% out of the water, but the air had a disturbing smoothness, 00:40:02.910 --> 00:40:07.830 align:middle line:84% and she slipped down again into the bath, into the beginning. 00:40:07.830 --> 00:40:11.050 align:middle line:84% The dream had signaled that she was going to fall. 00:40:11.050 --> 00:40:13.020 align:middle line:84% They had made love for the first time, 00:40:13.020 --> 00:40:16.350 align:middle line:84% and she was astonished at his perfect body, a Leonardo 00:40:16.350 --> 00:40:20.160 align:middle line:84% drawing of man accepting himself, justly, humanly, 00:40:20.160 --> 00:40:21.960 align:middle line:90% loving himself. 00:40:21.960 --> 00:40:25.140 align:middle line:84% She opened easily to him into the luxury of trust. 00:40:25.140 --> 00:40:26.790 align:middle line:90% He was too young to hurt her. 00:40:26.790 --> 00:40:28.170 align:middle line:90% He could be a [INAUDIBLE]. 00:40:28.170 --> 00:40:30.690 align:middle line:84% They laughed, wrestled each other off the bed, 00:40:30.690 --> 00:40:34.170 align:middle line:84% read aloud to each other, smoked joints, ate chocolate cookies, 00:40:34.170 --> 00:40:37.890 align:middle line:84% and walked blindly on a moonless path he knew by heart. 00:40:37.890 --> 00:40:41.400 align:middle line:84% His laugh was sexual, a full wet brushstroke. 00:40:41.400 --> 00:40:43.620 align:middle line:84% Applied to paper it would be the blue 00:40:43.620 --> 00:40:45.960 align:middle line:84% of the Pacific on a glittering day, 00:40:45.960 --> 00:40:49.950 align:middle line:84% surface out in the high clean waves. 00:40:49.950 --> 00:40:52.740 align:middle line:84% She had fallen asleep immediately in the narrow bed. 00:40:52.740 --> 00:40:55.590 align:middle line:84% The dream signaled that she was going to fall. 00:40:55.590 --> 00:40:59.760 align:middle line:84% Buildings around a grassy court of classical proportion, pitch 00:40:59.760 --> 00:41:02.820 align:middle line:84% black, and no sense of space as she knew it. 00:41:02.820 --> 00:41:04.740 align:middle line:84% The ground gave way, and she was taken 00:41:04.740 --> 00:41:07.260 align:middle line:84% into a dark, unending fold of earth. 00:41:07.260 --> 00:41:10.110 align:middle line:84% From her throat, a shout that coated itself in 00:41:10.110 --> 00:41:12.750 align:middle line:90% fear and became a whisper. 00:41:12.750 --> 00:41:15.930 align:middle line:84% The falling renewed itself even after the thud that woke her 00:41:15.930 --> 00:41:18.870 align:middle line:84% and sent her shaking to the sink for a glass of water 00:41:18.870 --> 00:41:21.540 align:middle line:84% where she found a leaden colored mouse floating 00:41:21.540 --> 00:41:23.850 align:middle line:90% in the basin like a bloated rag. 00:41:23.850 --> 00:41:27.450 align:middle line:84% She had known what the dream meant and had flouted the omen. 00:41:27.450 --> 00:41:31.290 align:middle line:84% He was like sunlight, it would be worth it. 00:41:31.290 --> 00:41:33.960 align:middle line:84% She heard the click of acorns dropping from the live oak 00:41:33.960 --> 00:41:35.700 align:middle line:90% trees onto the porch. 00:41:35.700 --> 00:41:37.230 align:middle line:90% The water was cooling now. 00:41:37.230 --> 00:41:40.730 align:middle line:84% The reggae sulking and cajoling, doling out measures 00:41:40.730 --> 00:41:43.020 align:middle line:90% of insouciance, then silence. 00:41:43.020 --> 00:41:45.660 align:middle line:84% The singer was holding his favors. 00:41:45.660 --> 00:41:49.890 align:middle line:84% She waited, swished the cooling water, then he began again. 00:41:49.890 --> 00:41:52.740 align:middle line:84% She turned the faucet to hot and brushed the scalding water 00:41:52.740 --> 00:41:53.940 align:middle line:90% into the cool. 00:41:53.940 --> 00:41:55.950 align:middle line:84% The Jamaican dialect was difficult. 00:41:55.950 --> 00:41:58.440 align:middle line:84% It sounded as if you were talking about weather, 00:41:58.440 --> 00:42:01.860 align:middle line:84% talking about weather as if weather were sex. 00:42:01.860 --> 00:42:04.620 align:middle line:84% His rich voice hoarded all the meaning in the world-- 00:42:04.620 --> 00:42:08.310 align:middle line:84% anyone who wanted it would have to go to him to get it. 00:42:08.310 --> 00:42:11.310 align:middle line:84% She shut off the water, and heard the announcer reel off 00:42:11.310 --> 00:42:15.570 align:middle line:84% a list of titles, "and Telephone Bill Too Big," he concluded. 00:42:15.570 --> 00:42:17.940 align:middle line:84% She was sure she'd heard it right this time. 00:42:17.940 --> 00:42:22.230 align:middle line:84% Their telephone bills had been enormous. 00:42:22.230 --> 00:42:25.050 align:middle line:84% But the radio and the water had stopped helping. 00:42:25.050 --> 00:42:29.220 align:middle line:84% His absence was audible now, a sound only a dog could hear, 00:42:29.220 --> 00:42:32.700 align:middle line:84% a sound that shifted atoms so that the room looked different, 00:42:32.700 --> 00:42:35.160 align:middle line:90% odd, her face in the mirror odd. 00:42:35.160 --> 00:42:38.340 align:middle line:84% His looking at her face had become part of her face. 00:42:38.340 --> 00:42:42.300 align:middle line:84% "It's a pretty face, a serious face, sometimes not so pretty. 00:42:42.300 --> 00:42:44.820 align:middle line:90% Always interesting, beautiful." 00:42:44.820 --> 00:42:47.700 align:middle line:84% It was now dimming to nothing, non-sequitur, 00:42:47.700 --> 00:42:51.540 align:middle line:84% a place to carry her eyes, a face going no place. 00:42:51.540 --> 00:42:54.180 align:middle line:84% It would drive her crazy to think of him so much, 00:42:54.180 --> 00:42:56.400 align:middle line:84% but the dullness of not thinking about him 00:42:56.400 --> 00:42:59.430 align:middle line:84% would take her strength from her. 00:42:59.430 --> 00:43:02.070 align:middle line:84% Only one more and she would stop. 00:43:02.070 --> 00:43:05.130 align:middle line:84% It was July in their second year, their last night 00:43:05.130 --> 00:43:07.200 align:middle line:90% together, they had agreed on it. 00:43:07.200 --> 00:43:10.440 align:middle line:84% They had 17 hours left, plenty of time. 00:43:10.440 --> 00:43:12.630 align:middle line:84% The night was so warm, the two lane 00:43:12.630 --> 00:43:15.720 align:middle line:84% road so smooth and deserted, the moon so bright, 00:43:15.720 --> 00:43:18.570 align:middle line:84% that he turned the headlights off and let the car glide 00:43:18.570 --> 00:43:21.630 align:middle line:84% into the middle of the road, the yellow line spinning out 00:43:21.630 --> 00:43:24.330 align:middle line:84% from under them like a spider's thread. 00:43:24.330 --> 00:43:26.790 align:middle line:84% He held her hand tightly in the middle of the seat 00:43:26.790 --> 00:43:30.870 align:middle line:84% as she tried to memorize the comforts of their silence. 00:43:30.870 --> 00:43:34.470 align:middle line:84% "A dog!" he said, his reflexes quick, his foot on the brake, 00:43:34.470 --> 00:43:37.500 align:middle line:84% his arm flung out to keep her [AUDIO OUT] forward. 00:43:37.500 --> 00:43:41.610 align:middle line:84% She saw a small brown dog, flaggy tail flaring up behind, 00:43:41.610 --> 00:43:44.910 align:middle line:84% running quite fast, and then as her eyes adjusted, 00:43:44.910 --> 00:43:46.500 align:middle line:90% the shoulders of two men. 00:43:46.500 --> 00:43:48.780 align:middle line:84% What were they doing in the middle of the highway? 00:43:48.780 --> 00:43:51.030 align:middle line:84% And then the shoulders of the men, she saw, 00:43:51.030 --> 00:43:54.360 align:middle line:84% were not the shoulders of men, but the rumps of horses, 00:43:54.360 --> 00:43:57.090 align:middle line:84% two white horses trotting, a dusty 00:43:57.090 --> 00:44:00.360 align:middle line:84% white in the warm dark of the evening. 00:44:00.360 --> 00:44:02.970 align:middle line:84% He slowed down to a crawl, and the dog earnestly 00:44:02.970 --> 00:44:05.400 align:middle line:84% herded the horses to the left side of the road 00:44:05.400 --> 00:44:07.770 align:middle line:84% till they were alongside the car and she 00:44:07.770 --> 00:44:10.530 align:middle line:84% could hear the clap, clap, clap, of their hooves 00:44:10.530 --> 00:44:12.480 align:middle line:90% over the sound of the motor. 00:44:12.480 --> 00:44:14.430 align:middle line:84% "I can't believe this," he chortled. 00:44:14.430 --> 00:44:15.120 align:middle line:90% "Horses!" 00:44:15.120 --> 00:44:16.020 align:middle line:90% she cried. 00:44:16.020 --> 00:44:17.970 align:middle line:84% She could not get enough of them. 00:44:17.970 --> 00:44:20.010 align:middle line:84% Their dusky whiteness was evenly paced 00:44:20.010 --> 00:44:22.590 align:middle line:84% with the car, their wildness moving heavily 00:44:22.590 --> 00:44:25.770 align:middle line:84% through the silence, their secret animal strength close 00:44:25.770 --> 00:44:29.010 align:middle line:84% to her, powerful bodies that made the metal of a car 00:44:29.010 --> 00:44:30.600 align:middle line:90% seem ridiculous. 00:44:30.600 --> 00:44:32.760 align:middle line:84% They glided alongside in the shadows 00:44:32.760 --> 00:44:35.640 align:middle line:90% made by trees and moonlight. 00:44:35.640 --> 00:44:37.470 align:middle line:90% "We better call the police." 00:44:37.470 --> 00:44:38.400 align:middle line:90% "The next house." 00:44:38.400 --> 00:44:41.790 align:middle line:84% They drove on and passed no houses, but within a minute 00:44:41.790 --> 00:44:44.190 align:middle line:84% saw two pinpoint lights enlarging 00:44:44.190 --> 00:44:45.930 align:middle line:84% as a pickup truck came toward them out 00:44:45.930 --> 00:44:47.830 align:middle line:90% of the other end of the night. 00:44:47.830 --> 00:44:49.970 align:middle line:84% He put the lights on and flicked them fast, 00:44:49.970 --> 00:44:51.830 align:middle line:84% afraid that if he slammed at the horn 00:44:51.830 --> 00:44:54.830 align:middle line:84% it would frighten the horses who were moving ahead now, 00:44:54.830 --> 00:44:57.830 align:middle line:84% the dog, harried as a man wringing his hands, 00:44:57.830 --> 00:44:59.510 align:middle line:90% trying to stop them. 00:44:59.510 --> 00:45:02.127 align:middle line:84% The truck slowed as it came alongside. 00:45:02.127 --> 00:45:03.960 align:middle line:84% "It's a good thing you're a careful driver," 00:45:03.960 --> 00:45:05.540 align:middle line:90% the man at the wheel leaned out. 00:45:05.540 --> 00:45:07.640 align:middle line:84% "I thought we'd lost them altogether. 00:45:07.640 --> 00:45:09.890 align:middle line:84% Keep going, we'll follow," he instructed them, 00:45:09.890 --> 00:45:13.910 align:middle line:84% and the pickup swung round in a U-turn. 00:45:13.910 --> 00:45:17.300 align:middle line:84% The horses were going faster now and cantered down a side road 00:45:17.300 --> 00:45:19.130 align:middle line:90% that branched off to the left. 00:45:19.130 --> 00:45:22.400 align:middle line:84% Then they began galloping in the silence, their rumps dusky 00:45:22.400 --> 00:45:25.700 align:middle line:84% moons, the dog keeping up, the surrounding mountains 00:45:25.700 --> 00:45:28.280 align:middle line:90% patient, moonlit, still. 00:45:28.280 --> 00:45:30.140 align:middle line:84% They swerved at a farmhouse with a barn 00:45:30.140 --> 00:45:32.360 align:middle line:84% behind and disappeared into a meadow 00:45:32.360 --> 00:45:34.130 align:middle line:90% that sloped up into orchards. 00:45:34.130 --> 00:45:37.880 align:middle line:84% The pickup bucked to a halt. "Is this your barn?" she said. 00:45:37.880 --> 00:45:40.670 align:middle line:84% "No," the driver said ruefully, "thanks anyway." 00:45:40.670 --> 00:45:43.400 align:middle line:84% And he and his partner hurried toward the meadow with ropes 00:45:43.400 --> 00:45:45.590 align:middle line:90% slung over their shoulders. 00:45:45.590 --> 00:45:49.460 align:middle line:84% She felt small, disappointed, as if some rushing stream 00:45:49.460 --> 00:45:50.600 align:middle line:90% had stopped. 00:45:50.600 --> 00:45:53.600 align:middle line:84% What she really wanted was to run with the horses, run 00:45:53.600 --> 00:45:55.370 align:middle line:90% into the night. 00:45:55.370 --> 00:45:58.730 align:middle line:84% "I didn't really want them to catch those horses," he said. 00:45:58.730 --> 00:46:02.510 align:middle line:84% "Me neither," she said, but when he said it, it made her uneasy. 00:46:02.510 --> 00:46:03.990 align:middle line:90% "They were beautiful." 00:46:03.990 --> 00:46:05.570 align:middle line:84% "Incredibly beautiful," he murmured. 00:46:05.570 --> 00:46:08.820 align:middle line:90% "They looked exactly alike." 00:46:08.820 --> 00:46:11.150 align:middle line:84% She turned a facet to the left and waited 00:46:11.150 --> 00:46:14.360 align:middle line:84% to feel the comfort of the hot water replenishing itself. 00:46:14.360 --> 00:46:16.610 align:middle line:84% Of course he wanted babies, flesh 00:46:16.610 --> 00:46:20.030 align:middle line:84% to bind his time so he wouldn't get lost in it, someone 00:46:20.030 --> 00:46:22.400 align:middle line:90% to look exactly like him. 00:46:22.400 --> 00:46:48.410 align:middle line:84% The water ran lukewarm and she absentmindedly 00:46:48.410 --> 00:46:49.850 align:middle line:84% soaked her breasts and shoulders, 00:46:49.850 --> 00:46:52.910 align:middle line:84% the foam in flat white islands around her. 00:46:52.910 --> 00:46:55.790 align:middle line:84% Linton Kwesi Johnson sang with a alluring menace, 00:46:55.790 --> 00:47:00.770 align:middle line:84% "I did warn you," concluding the hour as the water ran cooler. 00:47:00.770 --> 00:47:02.540 align:middle line:84% She squeezed the knob to the right 00:47:02.540 --> 00:47:06.020 align:middle line:84% and got out dripping to stop the plastic pulse of disco, 00:47:06.020 --> 00:47:09.380 align:middle line:84% he had hated that jabbing continuum. 00:47:09.380 --> 00:47:11.930 align:middle line:84% She crawled sopping wet under the sheet and blankets, 00:47:11.930 --> 00:47:14.870 align:middle line:84% something she learned, you healed as your body dried 00:47:14.870 --> 00:47:16.640 align:middle line:90% in its own good time. 00:47:16.640 --> 00:47:19.220 align:middle line:84% Once, tired of California, looking 00:47:19.220 --> 00:47:21.470 align:middle line:84% for differences that would mask the real difference, 00:47:21.470 --> 00:47:24.320 align:middle line:84% he'd said, "healing, why talk about healing? 00:47:24.320 --> 00:47:27.380 align:middle line:90% Healing implies you're sick." 00:47:27.380 --> 00:47:29.390 align:middle line:84% The bath water gurgled down the metal drain 00:47:29.390 --> 00:47:32.030 align:middle line:84% into the earth, an odd tintinnabulation, 00:47:32.030 --> 00:47:33.380 align:middle line:90% like a phone ringing. 00:47:33.380 --> 00:47:36.560 align:middle line:84% She stared at the white phone in its hospital silence. 00:47:36.560 --> 00:47:38.310 align:middle line:90% Inside, it was empty. 00:47:38.310 --> 00:47:41.180 align:middle line:84% There was a dark, anonymous knowing buzz. 00:47:41.180 --> 00:47:43.040 align:middle line:84% Perhaps she had only to pick it up 00:47:43.040 --> 00:47:46.130 align:middle line:84% and he would be there in Boston, Los Angeles, 00:47:46.130 --> 00:47:49.970 align:middle line:84% Santa Fe, telling her he loved her, wanted her right now. 00:47:49.970 --> 00:47:52.170 align:middle line:90% That was craziness. 00:47:52.170 --> 00:47:55.730 align:middle line:84% Someday, probably, he would call, make the dead phone jump, 00:47:55.730 --> 00:47:58.040 align:middle line:90% and she would say, "fine, fine." 00:47:58.040 --> 00:48:02.240 align:middle line:84% But she didn't want that cartoon of cheerful conventional pride. 00:48:02.240 --> 00:48:05.510 align:middle line:84% She wanted the close-grained things all over again, 00:48:05.510 --> 00:48:08.570 align:middle line:84% the old precincts replayed, with new lighting 00:48:08.570 --> 00:48:13.250 align:middle line:84% to diminish the lines in her face and erase the 12. 00:48:13.250 --> 00:48:16.460 align:middle line:84% She pulled her knees up against her chest under the covers 00:48:16.460 --> 00:48:19.280 align:middle line:84% and pulled her head under to increase the heat. 00:48:19.280 --> 00:48:22.730 align:middle line:84% She had to stick to memory and the simplest things. 00:48:22.730 --> 00:48:26.660 align:middle line:84% Time would not heal her, it was not on her side. 00:48:26.660 --> 00:48:29.420 align:middle line:84% She shivered a little and thought, "even my hair 00:48:29.420 --> 00:48:30.350 align:middle line:90% gets lonely." 00:48:30.350 --> 00:48:32.930 align:middle line:84% And she left the light on as a memorial 00:48:32.930 --> 00:48:36.998 align:middle line:90% as she settled down to sleep. 00:48:36.998 --> 00:48:40.442 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:48:40.442 --> 00:48:48.330 align:middle line:90% 00:48:48.330 --> 00:48:52.020 align:middle line:84% This last short piece was written and performed 00:48:52.020 --> 00:48:55.500 align:middle line:84% in collaboration with Rob Brezsny, a poet 00:48:55.500 --> 00:48:59.850 align:middle line:84% and the new wave singer, and my partner in the Santa Cruz Prose 00:48:59.850 --> 00:49:01.230 align:middle line:90% band. 00:49:01.230 --> 00:49:04.410 align:middle line:84% Rob lives in Santa Cruz and Jonathan Penner 00:49:04.410 --> 00:49:08.850 align:middle line:84% has very graciously consented to stand in for him 00:49:08.850 --> 00:49:11.955 align:middle line:84% in tonight's performance of a piece called "Bomb." 00:49:11.955 --> 00:49:18.658 align:middle line:90% 00:49:18.658 --> 00:49:19.650 align:middle line:90% Do you want water? 00:49:19.650 --> 00:49:20.360 align:middle line:90% No, I'm good. 00:49:20.360 --> 00:49:24.200 align:middle line:90% 00:49:24.200 --> 00:49:26.960 align:middle line:84% I'd like to begin by asking you to do 00:49:26.960 --> 00:49:32.420 align:middle line:84% a small, voluptuous meditation as part of the reading. 00:49:32.420 --> 00:49:33.635 align:middle line:90% Will you close your eyes? 00:49:33.635 --> 00:49:37.830 align:middle line:90% 00:49:37.830 --> 00:49:39.312 align:middle line:84% The title of the piece is "Bomb." 00:49:39.312 --> 00:49:40.020 align:middle line:90% I had a question. 00:49:40.020 --> 00:49:45.110 align:middle line:90% 00:49:45.110 --> 00:49:46.730 align:middle line:84% And with your eyes closed, will you 00:49:46.730 --> 00:49:49.220 align:middle line:90% breathe evenly and comfortably. 00:49:49.220 --> 00:49:53.290 align:middle line:90% 00:49:53.290 --> 00:49:54.325 align:middle line:90% Be aware of your body. 00:49:54.325 --> 00:49:58.830 align:middle line:90% 00:49:58.830 --> 00:50:01.470 align:middle line:90% Breathe. 00:50:01.470 --> 00:50:04.470 align:middle line:84% And really easily, imagine painting your body 00:50:04.470 --> 00:50:07.790 align:middle line:90% inside and outside with color. 00:50:07.790 --> 00:50:09.240 align:middle line:90% All over. 00:50:09.240 --> 00:50:12.630 align:middle line:84% Even the soles of your feet, even your hair, 00:50:12.630 --> 00:50:17.670 align:middle line:84% as few or as many colors as you would like to imagine there. 00:50:17.670 --> 00:50:18.900 align:middle line:90% Take time for this. 00:50:18.900 --> 00:50:27.430 align:middle line:90% 00:50:27.430 --> 00:50:32.200 align:middle line:84% Now, open your eyes to time as you know it. 00:50:32.200 --> 00:50:34.180 align:middle line:90% What's your picture of time? 00:50:34.180 --> 00:50:37.720 align:middle line:84% Is your picture of time a slow explosion 00:50:37.720 --> 00:50:40.450 align:middle line:84% rolling spirals of seeds splashing out 00:50:40.450 --> 00:50:42.130 align:middle line:90% from your solar plexus? 00:50:42.130 --> 00:50:44.290 align:middle line:90% Is it a mist with wheels? 00:50:44.290 --> 00:50:47.260 align:middle line:84% Envision time for yourself, and tomorrow 00:50:47.260 --> 00:50:50.860 align:middle line:84% paint your body into your picture of time. 00:50:50.860 --> 00:50:52.510 align:middle line:90% Picture of time? 00:50:52.510 --> 00:50:54.970 align:middle line:84% I'm worried about my picture of time. 00:50:54.970 --> 00:50:56.800 align:middle line:90% I'm worried my picture of time. 00:50:56.800 --> 00:50:58.120 align:middle line:90% We are not free. 00:50:58.120 --> 00:51:00.490 align:middle line:90% Our futures are not assured. 00:51:00.490 --> 00:51:04.330 align:middle line:84% The ambient, tribal worry is everywhere. 00:51:04.330 --> 00:51:07.270 align:middle line:84% Remember, I was so anxious about the future? 00:51:07.270 --> 00:51:09.710 align:middle line:90% Remember I, remember the future. 00:51:09.710 --> 00:51:10.990 align:middle line:90% It takes future-- 00:51:10.990 --> 00:51:13.900 align:middle line:84% To feel the pleasure, to take the future of being 00:51:13.900 --> 00:51:15.670 align:middle line:90% alive in that pleasure. 00:51:15.670 --> 00:51:17.310 align:middle line:90% I don't remember. 00:51:17.310 --> 00:51:20.050 align:middle line:84% We're afraid we're losing our memories. 00:51:20.050 --> 00:51:23.972 align:middle line:84% Some of the things we remember haven't happened yet. 00:51:23.972 --> 00:51:25.000 align:middle line:90% We remember now. 00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:27.510 align:middle line:84% We feel much closer to all of you. 00:51:27.510 --> 00:51:31.080 align:middle line:90% We feel much closer to you all. 00:51:31.080 --> 00:51:33.180 align:middle line:84% We feel much closer to all of you 00:51:33.180 --> 00:51:35.338 align:middle line:84% when we pretend we're all fighting. 00:51:35.338 --> 00:51:38.280 align:middle line:90% [INTERPOSING VOICES] 00:51:38.280 --> 00:51:48.530 align:middle line:90% 00:51:48.530 --> 00:51:50.060 align:middle line:90% Remember to feel the future. 00:51:50.060 --> 00:51:52.160 align:middle line:90% Remember closer. 00:51:52.160 --> 00:51:54.800 align:middle line:90% [INTERPOSING VOICES] 00:51:54.800 --> 00:53:15.770 align:middle line:90% 00:53:15.770 --> 00:53:17.065 align:middle line:90% I remember now. 00:53:17.065 --> 00:53:19.080 align:middle line:90% I remember now. 00:53:19.080 --> 00:53:21.140 align:middle line:90% [INTERPOSING VOICES] 00:53:21.140 --> 00:54:05.570 align:middle line:90% 00:54:05.570 --> 00:54:09.540 align:middle line:84% There will be no nuclear war, no final gun, 00:54:09.540 --> 00:54:12.580 align:middle line:84% no lost feast at the bottom of time. 00:54:12.580 --> 00:54:16.000 align:middle line:84% No lost feast at the bottom of time. 00:54:16.000 --> 00:54:18.670 align:middle line:84% The God of time imagined the bomb into us 00:54:18.670 --> 00:54:22.690 align:middle line:84% from the beginning, acted it out in the smaller disappearances, 00:54:22.690 --> 00:54:25.240 align:middle line:84% giving people as much fear as they could stand 00:54:25.240 --> 00:54:27.500 align:middle line:90% to remember in their history. 00:54:27.500 --> 00:54:29.860 align:middle line:90% Oh, God of time and the bomb. 00:54:29.860 --> 00:54:33.760 align:middle line:84% God of giving us so much fear that our morality collapses. 00:54:33.760 --> 00:54:36.700 align:middle line:84% God of the past that remembers the future. 00:54:36.700 --> 00:54:39.670 align:middle line:84% God of [INAUDIBLE] cultures and buried treasures 00:54:39.670 --> 00:54:40.960 align:middle line:90% trespassed upon. 00:54:40.960 --> 00:54:43.260 align:middle line:90% God of forgotten sun dials. 00:54:43.260 --> 00:54:45.510 align:middle line:90% God of wilted dinosaurs. 00:54:45.510 --> 00:54:49.200 align:middle line:84% God of mastodons spinning their bones into ourselves. 00:54:49.200 --> 00:54:51.960 align:middle line:84% God of people who fail to worship time, 00:54:51.960 --> 00:54:53.010 align:middle line:90% and so it stopped. 00:54:53.010 --> 00:54:55.080 align:middle line:84% God of vipers and dead [INAUDIBLE] 00:54:55.080 --> 00:54:56.700 align:middle line:90% eating away the kingdoms. 00:54:56.700 --> 00:54:59.050 align:middle line:84% God of sheets of ice over the flowers. 00:54:59.050 --> 00:55:01.050 align:middle line:90% Double God who gives us danger. 00:55:01.050 --> 00:55:02.070 align:middle line:90% Who makes us safe. 00:55:02.070 --> 00:55:04.230 align:middle line:90% God at ineluctable stasis. 00:55:04.230 --> 00:55:07.020 align:middle line:84% God of so much change you want to throw up. 00:55:07.020 --> 00:55:09.720 align:middle line:84% [INAUDIBLE] and water, which are so beautiful. 00:55:09.720 --> 00:55:13.140 align:middle line:84% God of the perished mahogany in the deep Mayan pools 00:55:13.140 --> 00:55:14.280 align:middle line:90% of sacrifice. 00:55:14.280 --> 00:55:15.450 align:middle line:90% God of light. 00:55:15.450 --> 00:55:16.530 align:middle line:90% God of light. 00:55:16.530 --> 00:55:19.500 align:middle line:84% Let the cumulative light fall into our bodies. 00:55:19.500 --> 00:55:22.470 align:middle line:84% Let it protect us from those who tease themselves 00:55:22.470 --> 00:55:24.240 align:middle line:90% with the end of the world. 00:55:24.240 --> 00:55:26.490 align:middle line:90% Let the breath be in us now. 00:55:26.490 --> 00:55:28.620 align:middle line:84% Let us know our bodies well enough 00:55:28.620 --> 00:55:30.720 align:middle line:90% to allow the light to enter us. 00:55:30.720 --> 00:55:32.880 align:middle line:84% Let us know other bodies well enough 00:55:32.880 --> 00:55:35.640 align:middle line:84% to allow us to enter their light. 00:55:35.640 --> 00:55:39.340 align:middle line:84% Let us gather all of our light into our bodies. 00:55:39.340 --> 00:55:41.310 align:middle line:90% Let us become the light. 00:55:41.310 --> 00:55:43.320 align:middle line:90% Let us become the light. 00:55:43.320 --> 00:55:46.470 align:middle line:90% Paint our bodies with light. 00:55:46.470 --> 00:55:47.760 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:55:47.760 --> 00:55:48.600 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:55:48.600 --> 00:55:51.950 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:55:51.950 --> 00:55:56.000 align:middle line:90%