WEBVTT

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So this is an excerpt
from a memoir I'm

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working on about my educations.

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And imagining that what
my parents and what

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many parents with not a
lot of formal education

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have to offer the world.

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And that comes from working
with Fred Moten who's always

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asking us to be more
creative about how

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we see each other
existing in the world.

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But I went to Williams College.

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Does anybody know where that is?

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It's in the Berkshires.

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I'm sure you don't
know where that is.

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Either that's fine.

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I didn't as well I'm
from Bell Gardens,

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which is the Rust Belt
of LA, Southeast LA.

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And in the house.

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So I went because they
had a lot of money.

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They still have a lot of money.

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But this story
takes place there.

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And it's pretty
self-explanatory.

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Are you what do
you need to know?

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The word [? changa ?] or
[? chango ?] means sloppy

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according to my mom.

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And Vista is the Latinx
student group on campus.

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Swishy Pants.

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Amá taught me that there was
a direct connection between

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dressing up and my intelligence?

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Vistete bien, no
hay que ser changa.

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In short, pay attention
and fix yourself up

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because I didn't teach
you to be a Mensa who

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can't comb her hair.

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This theory fell on its
face for my fellow students

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when I arrived Williams
College my first year.

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There were [? changas ?]
everywhere.

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Come skiing with us, Judy said.

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She was a Korean-American
biology major

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from New Jersey
with rosy cheeks.

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I wish I could go, I joked.

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But I left my ski
equipment in LA.

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Oh, that's OK, she said.

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You can rent the stuff there.

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I smiled to myself.

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No thanks, I said.

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Maybe next time.

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She didn't mean any harm.

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People rarely did.

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People at Williams
assumed we all

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had the same access to cash, and
that we all loved the outdoors.

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People rowed, lacrossed.

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Things that required gear,
boots, walking sticks,

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ski pants.

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Weren't we all in the
mountains, and didn't that

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mean we could all ski.

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No.

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I was on those mountains
so that I wouldn't

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have to be in a home so tiny.

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I could hear my thoughts.

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It was like Williams was a
country club vacation for some

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of these fools, a
place tucked away

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inside a 200-year-old college
that occasionally gave out

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really hard tests.

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I was serious when I'd said I'd
left what I needed back home.

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My confidence had waned since
my grades took a huge dip.

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Williams students may have had
Rhodes scholars' vocabulary.

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But they couldn't brush
their hair in the morning.

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I didn't have the
money for skiing.

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But I showed up clean
and ironed for class.

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It's not that they were supposed
to be Town and Country models.

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But it was more like the L.
L. Bean catalog up there.

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Everyone except
me it seemed wore

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filthy baseball caps
embroidered with school names

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I've never heard of.

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Things like that sounded
like conservatories

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with swimming swans, Spence
School, Seton Hall, Andover.

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There was one exception to
the casually dressed rule.

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The son of his Highness, Aga
Khan, the son of the Aga Khan

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was a year ahead of me.

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And for class wore black
leather pants and Versace silk

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shirts with the latest
gold medallion pattern.

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He probably also wore
expensive whale oil perfume,

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something with opium in it.

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But maybe I'm just
making things up.

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He partied with the
international club,

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which played lots of techno.

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And the reason I never
stayed long at those parties.

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Every other regular student
had the fleece and hat outfit

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but me.

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I thought it had been given out
during a special orientation I

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missed.

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Kids would mold the
cap's bill into a tunnel,

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walking around like ducks,
turning the whole way around

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when someone said their name.

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And then there were the pants.

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Swish, swish, they said.

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Passing me at the
library on their way

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to get a drink of water.

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Swish, swish going
back to their seats.

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It was hard enough
reading the biology

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for non majors textbook,
which was Greek to me.

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I had to concentrate extra hard
to block out the swish, swish

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of people's pinche pants.

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Someone eventually said they
were called warm ups denoting

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a sport to warm up for.

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But the people who wore
them weren't jocks.

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People claimed to like them
because they were comfortable.

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I needed to know if it was true.

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I had not gone that
far to never know

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what was going on in
rich people's pants.

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Our campus frequently
had clothing drives.

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So I kept an eye
out on the contents.

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So I could rescue
cashmere sweaters.

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The swishy pants were $80
on sale at the Spring Street

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store.

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One lucky night, once
everyone had gone to sleep,

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I looked inside a donation
box at the Student Union.

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And peeking out from the
bottom was a purple pant leg.

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The kind I'd seen on
every day at Williams.

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And it was a telltale sign that
swishy pants would be mine.

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No one was around.

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I acted like I was
putting something in.

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Because we're all rich, right?

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So I folded the pants
into tight little package

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and shove them in
my bag and ran.

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I was slightly embarrassed
at picking through the bin,

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but not so much that
it made me unlearn

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a Moz rule of taking
an opportunity

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if it presented itself.

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There was no one to share
my spoils with though.

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My roommates were
two sweet white girls

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who weren't rich enough to ski.

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But who bought J.Crew from
the catalogs occasionally.

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I didn't wake them.

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But I let out a squeal
when I put them on.

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The pants were lined
in soft gray fleece.

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They felt like a blanket
making me more than warm.

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No wonder everyone wore them.

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Winter in the Berkshires
went from November to May.

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The pants were lined.

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It was genius.

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Why hadn't my Vista
friends told me sooner?

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They probably
didn't know either.

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Watching myself in the
long bathroom mirror,

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I wondered if they would
make the same annoying sound

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if I were them.

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I waddled, refusing to
brush my legs together.

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No noise.

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I walked across the bathroom
and back a few times to check.

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Swish, swish went the pants.

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I turned my nose up
at them for years.

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But how could I wear
them to breakfast?

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I didn't have the
polar fleece to match.

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They would never be a place
the pants would feel right.

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And then there was the fit.

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When I turned around, the
pants were baggy in the butt

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and too long as if
I'd taken them out

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of a free pile somewhere.

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The lining was starting
to make me sweat.

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And that might
have been the guilt

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making its way onto my skin.

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The pants of the
working class trying

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on the leisure of the rich.

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And the guilt won.

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Somewhere there would be
a taller poorer person

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who could use them.

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Maybe they owned a baseball
cap and a fleece to go.

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The next day, I put
them back in the box.

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Someone else definitely needed
the pants surely, or just

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want it to be warm in a place
that refused to melt its ice.

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That time, I was actually
giving something away.

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