WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.570 align:middle line:84% Thank you, Diana for that very generous introduction. 00:00:04.570 --> 00:00:09.180 align:middle line:84% Thank you to the UA Poetry Center for busting me out 00:00:09.180 --> 00:00:11.220 align:middle line:90% of pandemic jail. 00:00:11.220 --> 00:00:19.710 align:middle line:84% And bringing me in front of real people instead 00:00:19.710 --> 00:00:22.215 align:middle line:84% of these little boxes on my computer screen. 00:00:22.215 --> 00:00:25.170 align:middle line:90% 00:00:25.170 --> 00:00:26.880 align:middle line:90% That's so great. 00:00:26.880 --> 00:00:27.975 align:middle line:90% So great to be here. 00:00:27.975 --> 00:00:34.050 align:middle line:90% 00:00:34.050 --> 00:00:39.720 align:middle line:84% So I'm a little nervous or something. 00:00:39.720 --> 00:00:43.220 align:middle line:90% And I need to take a breath. 00:00:43.220 --> 00:00:52.090 align:middle line:84% So I'm going to read some poetry tonight from my previous books 00:00:52.090 --> 00:00:53.800 align:middle line:84% because we're at the Poetry Center. 00:00:53.800 --> 00:00:59.650 align:middle line:84% So I'm going to ignore the novels and not do that. 00:00:59.650 --> 00:01:03.010 align:middle line:90% Not refer to them. 00:01:03.010 --> 00:01:08.320 align:middle line:84% About 10 years ago, my father died at age 86. 00:01:08.320 --> 00:01:10.890 align:middle line:90% 00:01:10.890 --> 00:01:15.840 align:middle line:84% He was a stone chronic alcoholic for like probably 00:01:15.840 --> 00:01:16.710 align:middle line:90% since he was 19. 00:01:16.710 --> 00:01:20.970 align:middle line:90% 00:01:20.970 --> 00:01:24.700 align:middle line:84% And then in his 30s they told him, 00:01:24.700 --> 00:01:26.700 align:middle line:84% if you don't stop drinking alcohol is 00:01:26.700 --> 00:01:28.980 align:middle line:90% going to kill you in 10 years. 00:01:28.980 --> 00:01:30.220 align:middle line:90% But he lived to 86. 00:01:30.220 --> 00:01:33.240 align:middle line:90% 00:01:33.240 --> 00:01:38.982 align:middle line:84% So they should have studied his liver. 00:01:38.982 --> 00:01:40.190 align:middle line:90% But they missed their chance. 00:01:40.190 --> 00:01:44.580 align:middle line:90% 00:01:44.580 --> 00:01:45.120 align:middle line:90% Anyway. 00:01:45.120 --> 00:01:53.910 align:middle line:84% So as a introduction, this past Father's Day I wrote this piece 00:01:53.910 --> 00:01:59.660 align:middle line:90% and it's about this guy who-- 00:01:59.660 --> 00:02:04.610 align:middle line:84% we're talking about shadows and about doubles earlier. 00:02:04.610 --> 00:02:10.460 align:middle line:84% And if you're a male your father is like your double 00:02:10.460 --> 00:02:11.720 align:middle line:90% who goes ahead of you. 00:02:11.720 --> 00:02:13.880 align:middle line:84% Your shadow who moves on ahead of you 00:02:13.880 --> 00:02:16.800 align:middle line:84% in life, whether you like it or not. 00:02:16.800 --> 00:02:18.530 align:middle line:84% Even if you're completely different. 00:02:18.530 --> 00:02:20.910 align:middle line:90% I'm not an alcoholic. 00:02:20.910 --> 00:02:24.245 align:middle line:84% I had to give up drinking beer for various reasons. 00:02:24.245 --> 00:02:26.900 align:middle line:90% 00:02:26.900 --> 00:02:33.100 align:middle line:90% And yeah very different. 00:02:33.100 --> 00:02:39.430 align:middle line:84% But nevertheless, your father can lay their fingerprint 00:02:39.430 --> 00:02:44.270 align:middle line:84% on you and it will be lasting for the rest of your life. 00:02:44.270 --> 00:02:47.590 align:middle line:84% So this is a piece called "Father's Day." 00:02:47.590 --> 00:02:50.980 align:middle line:84% My father was an alcoholic who I heard threatening my mother, 00:02:50.980 --> 00:02:55.750 align:middle line:84% "I'll hit you right in the face with this fucking frying pan," 00:02:55.750 --> 00:02:58.240 align:middle line:90% when I was five. 00:02:58.240 --> 00:03:01.150 align:middle line:84% We played on the side yard with neighbor kids 00:03:01.150 --> 00:03:06.310 align:middle line:84% who heard mom's screams out of the kitchen window. 00:03:06.310 --> 00:03:08.710 align:middle line:84% Dad was also someone who taught me-- 00:03:08.710 --> 00:03:11.110 align:middle line:84% who told me he thought Sonny Liston 00:03:11.110 --> 00:03:13.510 align:middle line:90% was going to beat Cassius Clay. 00:03:13.510 --> 00:03:19.390 align:middle line:84% I told him Cassius Clay is going to win because of alliteration. 00:03:19.390 --> 00:03:24.560 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] And he did win. 00:03:24.560 --> 00:03:27.710 align:middle line:84% On the small transistor radio in the garage as 00:03:27.710 --> 00:03:30.020 align:middle line:84% he lowered a rebuilt engine hanging 00:03:30.020 --> 00:03:36.290 align:middle line:84% from a pulley on chains on a tripod into a Dodge Rambler. 00:03:36.290 --> 00:03:40.310 align:middle line:84% His father, my grandfather, working with him together, 00:03:40.310 --> 00:03:43.530 align:middle line:90% dad helped and connected it. 00:03:43.530 --> 00:03:46.890 align:middle line:84% Dad was drunk when he painted, not when he started. 00:03:46.890 --> 00:03:49.620 align:middle line:84% But by the time he finished, mom said, 00:03:49.620 --> 00:03:53.290 align:middle line:84% that's why his paintings look like that. 00:03:53.290 --> 00:03:57.370 align:middle line:84% Dad was the first to tell me about Béla Bartók, 00:03:57.370 --> 00:04:03.310 align:middle line:84% César Vallejo, Mark Rothko, D.T. Suzuki, 00:04:03.310 --> 00:04:07.120 align:middle line:90% living with intensity and art. 00:04:07.120 --> 00:04:10.210 align:middle line:84% But it was mom who fed and clothed us. 00:04:10.210 --> 00:04:14.620 align:middle line:84% And when I lacerated my neck on that stray nail dad 00:04:14.620 --> 00:04:17.260 align:middle line:84% left sticking out of a chinning bar 00:04:17.260 --> 00:04:20.079 align:middle line:84% that he built for himself in the backyard. 00:04:20.079 --> 00:04:23.500 align:middle line:84% It was mom who drove me to town to get 00:04:23.500 --> 00:04:31.120 align:middle line:84% those whatever it was, 30 or 60 or 100 stitches in my neck. 00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:35.310 align:middle line:84% So my fathers were mostly my mom. 00:04:35.310 --> 00:04:41.370 align:middle line:84% The only mother who mothered my six brothers and sisters. 00:04:41.370 --> 00:04:44.640 align:middle line:84% Who once also thought about being an artist 00:04:44.640 --> 00:04:49.710 align:middle line:84% and who was a student when she met Ray, who tried for 10 years 00:04:49.710 --> 00:04:53.460 align:middle line:84% to make that marriage survive while trying 00:04:53.460 --> 00:04:56.290 align:middle line:90% to survive that marriage. 00:04:56.290 --> 00:05:01.030 align:middle line:84% She was as much my father as my dad. 00:05:01.030 --> 00:05:03.520 align:middle line:84% For all his enthusiasms and ideas, 00:05:03.520 --> 00:05:08.410 align:middle line:84% his travels that circumscribed the globe, two other wives, 00:05:08.410 --> 00:05:14.260 align:middle line:84% and a couple of girlfriends, and his suffering an incurable 00:05:14.260 --> 00:05:16.120 align:middle line:90% restlessness. 00:05:16.120 --> 00:05:18.130 align:middle line:90% Mom wasn't just talk. 00:05:18.130 --> 00:05:21.450 align:middle line:90% She got it done. 00:05:21.450 --> 00:05:24.600 align:middle line:84% When she drove the Rambler into the mountains 00:05:24.600 --> 00:05:27.360 align:middle line:84% along the Eel River, looking for dad 00:05:27.360 --> 00:05:29.910 align:middle line:90% at work in the railroad camps. 00:05:29.910 --> 00:05:34.980 align:middle line:84% My fathers were the mountains and the people in the camps. 00:05:34.980 --> 00:05:40.590 align:middle line:84% The cook who gave us leftover birthday cake from the cook car 00:05:40.590 --> 00:05:43.920 align:middle line:84% or the caboose when we had no food in the cabin 00:05:43.920 --> 00:05:48.780 align:middle line:84% bare of everything but blankets on the floor and leftover 00:05:48.780 --> 00:05:50.520 align:middle line:90% tinker toys. 00:05:50.520 --> 00:05:54.000 align:middle line:84% My fathers were the boxcars and a few mean bums 00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:57.300 align:middle line:84% and train tracks where mom picked watercress 00:05:57.300 --> 00:06:01.930 align:middle line:84% from the puddles to feed us and smoke 00:06:01.930 --> 00:06:06.190 align:middle line:84% from the camp we saw drifting like clouds into the trees 00:06:06.190 --> 00:06:10.180 align:middle line:84% that we descended from the past expecting that he 00:06:10.180 --> 00:06:13.030 align:middle line:90% was down there somewhere. 00:06:13.030 --> 00:06:15.250 align:middle line:84% Once when they heard we were hungry, 00:06:15.250 --> 00:06:19.990 align:middle line:84% hunters gave us ducks that they shot. 00:06:19.990 --> 00:06:23.890 align:middle line:84% Once they gave us a giant octopus someone 00:06:23.890 --> 00:06:26.200 align:middle line:90% caught in a big jar. 00:06:26.200 --> 00:06:28.180 align:middle line:84% If we ran out of food, mom sometimes 00:06:28.180 --> 00:06:33.510 align:middle line:84% killed and skinned rabbits in the side yard 00:06:33.510 --> 00:06:37.710 align:middle line:84% or ask neighbors for leftover chicken bones to make soup. 00:06:37.710 --> 00:06:39.750 align:middle line:84% My fathers were random people who 00:06:39.750 --> 00:06:42.720 align:middle line:90% sometimes treated us kindly. 00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:47.040 align:middle line:84% My fathers were the wind that never stopped at Bodega Bay 00:06:47.040 --> 00:06:51.750 align:middle line:84% where dad gave us a bag of wonderful fried minnows 00:06:51.750 --> 00:06:55.230 align:middle line:84% at a store they called [? Day Fish, ?] that 00:06:55.230 --> 00:06:59.970 align:middle line:84% you ate bones fish, fins, head, and all. 00:06:59.970 --> 00:07:02.730 align:middle line:84% And I asked him to get us more but he said, 00:07:02.730 --> 00:07:06.870 align:middle line:84% they didn't have any that day or if I kept asking maybe 00:07:06.870 --> 00:07:12.060 align:middle line:84% he finally admitted that this time he didn't have money. 00:07:12.060 --> 00:07:14.280 align:middle line:84% We went down on the beach there and I was hungry. 00:07:14.280 --> 00:07:16.740 align:middle line:84% And he caught a blue crab in the rocks 00:07:16.740 --> 00:07:20.010 align:middle line:84% and insisted we light a fire in the wind 00:07:20.010 --> 00:07:22.260 align:middle line:84% and try and cook and eat that little crab. 00:07:22.260 --> 00:07:26.160 align:middle line:84% My fathers were the cliffs, bays, and winding highways 00:07:26.160 --> 00:07:29.040 align:middle line:84% of the coast unfurling as far as we 00:07:29.040 --> 00:07:32.310 align:middle line:84% could see in the haze of distance 00:07:32.310 --> 00:07:36.910 align:middle line:84% with a vast horizon over the ocean. 00:07:36.910 --> 00:07:41.290 align:middle line:84% My fathers were streams and rivers roaring over rocks 00:07:41.290 --> 00:07:46.600 align:middle line:84% under the steel span bridges and little towns with wet streets, 00:07:46.600 --> 00:07:52.670 align:middle line:84% sometimes neon shining out of bars while we waited in the car 00:07:52.670 --> 00:07:54.440 align:middle line:90% or in the street. 00:07:54.440 --> 00:07:57.320 align:middle line:84% My fathers were my brother Paul who sometimes 00:07:57.320 --> 00:08:00.350 align:middle line:90% asked if we were twins-- 00:08:00.350 --> 00:08:02.270 align:middle line:84% who people sometimes ask if we were 00:08:02.270 --> 00:08:04.490 align:middle line:90% twins who was always beside me. 00:08:04.490 --> 00:08:07.790 align:middle line:84% Paul too was really more my father than Ray 00:08:07.790 --> 00:08:11.750 align:middle line:90% because he shared everything. 00:08:11.750 --> 00:08:13.430 align:middle line:90% My fathers were always hungry. 00:08:13.430 --> 00:08:15.110 align:middle line:84% So I climbed a tree in an orchard 00:08:15.110 --> 00:08:20.480 align:middle line:84% to snatch the small tart apples and touched the electric fence 00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:22.700 align:middle line:90% and fell from the tree. 00:08:22.700 --> 00:08:27.470 align:middle line:84% My fathers were Morgan our dog who we lost along the way. 00:08:27.470 --> 00:08:30.890 align:middle line:84% Ray said, Morgan was living on a ranch, 00:08:30.890 --> 00:08:33.409 align:middle line:84% that he found Morgan a new home somewhere. 00:08:33.409 --> 00:08:37.700 align:middle line:84% But by then I probably no longer believed him. 00:08:37.700 --> 00:08:40.070 align:middle line:84% My fathers were my own fingers then 00:08:40.070 --> 00:08:43.940 align:middle line:84% learning to tie my shoes the right way and maybe 00:08:43.940 --> 00:08:50.120 align:middle line:84% my own shoes too, black and white sneakers I loved to wear. 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:54.620 align:middle line:84% My fathers were my own thoughts then sitting underneath a chair 00:08:54.620 --> 00:08:57.710 align:middle line:84% where I crept into the room wondering 00:08:57.710 --> 00:09:00.080 align:middle line:84% if they had any idea I was listening 00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:03.240 align:middle line:84% while my parents talked one night. 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:06.390 align:middle line:90% Maybe they weren't even arguing. 00:09:06.390 --> 00:09:09.720 align:middle line:84% My fathers were the mud and cattails and dust 00:09:09.720 --> 00:09:12.810 align:middle line:90% of wetlands of Los Banos. 00:09:12.810 --> 00:09:15.540 align:middle line:84% Till that day dad smashed all the furniture 00:09:15.540 --> 00:09:18.450 align:middle line:84% in the house, the big radio too, the one 00:09:18.450 --> 00:09:21.600 align:middle line:84% with glass tubes that glowed, and he 00:09:21.600 --> 00:09:26.700 align:middle line:84% broke mom's nose and her hand when she raised it 00:09:26.700 --> 00:09:29.550 align:middle line:90% in front of her face. 00:09:29.550 --> 00:09:33.570 align:middle line:84% And we walked the gravel driveway to the highway. 00:09:33.570 --> 00:09:36.960 align:middle line:90% And I asked where were we going. 00:09:36.960 --> 00:09:42.740 align:middle line:84% And she said, help get the kids in the car with her hand 00:09:42.740 --> 00:09:44.995 align:middle line:90% to her face. 00:09:44.995 --> 00:09:48.000 align:middle line:90%