WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.350 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.350 --> 00:00:02.640 align:middle line:90% I don't have a clock. 00:00:02.640 --> 00:00:04.090 align:middle line:90% Well, we're OK. 00:00:04.090 --> 00:00:04.590 align:middle line:90% All righty. 00:00:04.590 --> 00:00:07.590 align:middle line:90% 00:00:07.590 --> 00:00:08.250 align:middle line:90% Let's see. 00:00:08.250 --> 00:00:11.510 align:middle line:90% 00:00:11.510 --> 00:00:18.410 align:middle line:84% It's so funny to me the things that people 00:00:18.410 --> 00:00:21.560 align:middle line:84% who read your stories and then point things out, 00:00:21.560 --> 00:00:26.480 align:middle line:84% it's funny that I never noticed these things before. 00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:29.990 align:middle line:90% And in relation to-- 00:00:29.990 --> 00:00:31.400 align:middle line:90% well, to both books, I guess. 00:00:31.400 --> 00:00:32.810 align:middle line:84% Somebody was interviewing me once 00:00:32.810 --> 00:00:38.210 align:middle line:84% and he said, why isn't there any sex in your stories? 00:00:38.210 --> 00:00:41.840 align:middle line:90% And I was like, there isn't? 00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:42.890 align:middle line:90% And I thought about it. 00:00:42.890 --> 00:00:46.010 align:middle line:84% I thought about it and it occurred to me 00:00:46.010 --> 00:00:49.820 align:middle line:90% that he was right. 00:00:49.820 --> 00:00:54.080 align:middle line:84% And that the probable reason why was 00:00:54.080 --> 00:00:59.390 align:middle line:84% because I was afraid of sounding like my little brother who, 00:00:59.390 --> 00:01:01.760 align:middle line:84% when he was about 11, 12 years old, 00:01:01.760 --> 00:01:08.270 align:middle line:84% tried to write a piece of erotica and it contained, 00:01:08.270 --> 00:01:13.460 align:middle line:84% God, it contained the line, then he unzipped her negligee. 00:01:13.460 --> 00:01:15.384 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:01:15.384 --> 00:01:18.270 align:middle line:90% 00:01:18.270 --> 00:01:20.500 align:middle line:84% And I thought I would sound like that. 00:01:20.500 --> 00:01:23.770 align:middle line:84% I would sound like, then he unzipped her negligee, so. 00:01:23.770 --> 00:01:26.650 align:middle line:90% 00:01:26.650 --> 00:01:27.700 align:middle line:90% Why can't I find this? 00:01:27.700 --> 00:01:29.650 align:middle line:90% OK. 00:01:29.650 --> 00:01:32.860 align:middle line:84% This next story is about as close as we get, 00:01:32.860 --> 00:01:36.280 align:middle line:84% which is to say on the threshold. 00:01:36.280 --> 00:01:38.170 align:middle line:90% Some big famous guy-- 00:01:38.170 --> 00:01:40.630 align:middle line:84% maybe it was Goethe, I can't remember-- 00:01:40.630 --> 00:01:43.540 align:middle line:84% said the threshold is the place to pause. 00:01:43.540 --> 00:01:44.800 align:middle line:90% All right. 00:01:44.800 --> 00:01:45.580 align:middle line:90% We'll see. 00:01:45.580 --> 00:01:47.710 align:middle line:84% This is called "The Most Girl Part of You." 00:01:47.710 --> 00:01:50.730 align:middle line:90% 00:01:50.730 --> 00:01:55.090 align:middle line:84% "Jack Big Guy Fitch is trying to crack his teeth. 00:01:55.090 --> 00:01:57.480 align:middle line:84% He swishes a mouth full of ice water, 00:01:57.480 --> 00:02:01.710 align:middle line:84% then straightaway throws back slugs of hot coffee. 00:02:01.710 --> 00:02:04.200 align:middle line:84% Like in Antarctica, he says, where 00:02:04.200 --> 00:02:06.510 align:middle line:84% if you believe what Big Guy tells you, 00:02:06.510 --> 00:02:08.940 align:middle line:84% the people are forever cracking their teeth 00:02:08.940 --> 00:02:13.740 align:middle line:84% when they come in from the cold and gulp their coffee down. 00:02:13.740 --> 00:02:15.930 align:middle line:84% I believe what Big Guy tells you. 00:02:15.930 --> 00:02:20.910 align:middle line:84% I'm his partner in crime, so I'm chewing on the shaved ice too. 00:02:20.910 --> 00:02:24.510 align:middle line:84% I mean, someone that good looking tells you what to do, 00:02:24.510 --> 00:02:27.960 align:middle line:90% you pretty much do what he says. 00:02:27.960 --> 00:02:31.110 align:middle line:90% Big Guy, he is so damn big. 00:02:31.110 --> 00:02:33.360 align:middle line:90% Can make you do anything. 00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:36.000 align:middle line:84% He made us become blood brothers-- 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:38.280 align:middle line:84% brothers even though I am a girl-- 00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:43.050 align:middle line:84% back when we were clumsy little dopes playing with jacks. 00:02:43.050 --> 00:02:44.820 align:middle line:84% He got a sewing needle and was going 00:02:44.820 --> 00:02:48.330 align:middle line:84% to stick our fingers until I chickened out. 00:02:48.330 --> 00:02:51.720 align:middle line:84% I pointed to the sore on his elbow and the abrasions 00:02:51.720 --> 00:02:53.130 align:middle line:90% on my knee. 00:02:53.130 --> 00:02:56.385 align:middle line:84% And in fact, what we became was scab brothers. 00:02:56.385 --> 00:03:00.510 align:middle line:90% 00:03:00.510 --> 00:03:02.790 align:middle line:84% But this business with the teeth, 00:03:02.790 --> 00:03:05.550 align:middle line:90% I say Big Guy is asking for it. 00:03:05.550 --> 00:03:07.230 align:middle line:84% He hasn't done something like this 00:03:07.230 --> 00:03:10.335 align:middle line:84% since the seventh grade when he ate a cigarette for a dollar. 00:03:10.335 --> 00:03:13.350 align:middle line:90% 00:03:13.350 --> 00:03:15.480 align:middle line:84% Now when he brushes his teeth at night, 00:03:15.480 --> 00:03:20.340 align:middle line:84% he says he treats the gums like the cuticle of a nail. 00:03:20.340 --> 00:03:23.910 align:middle line:84% He says he pushes them back with the hard bristles of the brush, 00:03:23.910 --> 00:03:27.330 align:middle line:90% laying the enamel clear. 00:03:27.330 --> 00:03:31.560 align:middle line:84% This is a new Big Guy, a bafflement to us all. 00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:33.990 align:middle line:84% The old one trimmed the perforated margins 00:03:33.990 --> 00:03:36.480 align:middle line:90% from sheets of stamps. 00:03:36.480 --> 00:03:39.060 align:middle line:84% He kept a chart posted beside his bed that 00:03:39.060 --> 00:03:43.680 align:middle line:84% showed how his water intake varied from day to day. 00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:47.790 align:middle line:84% The old Big Guy ate sandwiches with a knife and fork. 00:03:47.790 --> 00:03:51.060 align:middle line:90% He wore short-sleeved shirts. 00:03:51.060 --> 00:03:53.220 align:middle line:90% That was before his mother died. 00:03:53.220 --> 00:03:55.350 align:middle line:90% She died eight days ago. 00:03:55.350 --> 00:03:57.720 align:middle line:90% She did it herself. 00:03:57.720 --> 00:04:01.680 align:middle line:84% Big Guy showed me the rope burns in the beam of the ceiling. 00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:06.960 align:middle line:84% He said, Any place I hang myself is home. 00:04:06.960 --> 00:04:09.630 align:middle line:84% In the movie version, that is where his father 00:04:09.630 --> 00:04:12.090 align:middle line:90% would have slapped him. 00:04:12.090 --> 00:04:14.460 align:middle line:84% But of course his father did not. 00:04:14.460 --> 00:04:17.670 align:middle line:84% Didn't slap him, didn't even hear him. 00:04:17.670 --> 00:04:20.220 align:middle line:84% Although Big Guy's father has probably heard what 00:04:20.220 --> 00:04:23.460 align:middle line:90% Big Guy says about the Cubs. 00:04:23.460 --> 00:04:26.160 align:middle line:84% It's the funniest thing he can imagine. 00:04:26.160 --> 00:04:27.840 align:middle line:84% It's what he doesn't have to imagine 00:04:27.840 --> 00:04:29.730 align:middle line:84% because his father really said it 00:04:29.730 --> 00:04:34.470 align:middle line:84% when he had to tell his son what the boy's mother had done. 00:04:34.470 --> 00:04:38.550 align:middle line:84% And what's more, his father had said, 00:04:38.550 --> 00:04:41.790 align:middle line:84% it may have been the sheer momentum of bad news 00:04:41.790 --> 00:04:45.390 align:middle line:84% because in the vast, thrilling silence after Big Guy heard 00:04:45.390 --> 00:04:52.260 align:middle line:84% the news, his father had added, And what's more, the Cubs lost. 00:04:52.260 --> 00:04:54.390 align:middle line:84% So you see, Big Guy says these days 00:04:54.390 --> 00:05:00.330 align:middle line:84% about matters large and small, it's not as if the Cubs lost. 00:05:00.330 --> 00:05:02.880 align:middle line:84% Any minute now, he could say it again, 00:05:02.880 --> 00:05:07.080 align:middle line:84% here between the swishing and gulping in the round red booth 00:05:07.080 --> 00:05:10.770 align:middle line:84% of the airport coffee shop with his tired traveling 00:05:10.770 --> 00:05:14.820 align:middle line:84% grandparents sitting across the table. 00:05:14.820 --> 00:05:19.590 align:middle line:84% They flew in for the services and they're flying home today. 00:05:19.590 --> 00:05:24.240 align:middle line:84% Big Guy drove so fast that now we have time to kill. 00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:29.070 align:middle line:84% He thinks the posted speed limit is what you can't go below. 00:05:29.070 --> 00:05:31.770 align:middle line:84% He has just earned a learner's permit, 00:05:31.770 --> 00:05:35.880 align:middle line:84% so he drives every chance he gets. 00:05:35.880 --> 00:05:39.690 align:middle line:84% The grandfather orders breakfast from the plastic menu. 00:05:39.690 --> 00:05:44.220 align:middle line:84% He says he will have the ranch-fresh eggs, crisp bacon, 00:05:44.220 --> 00:05:47.760 align:middle line:90% and fresh-squeezed orange juice. 00:05:47.760 --> 00:05:51.360 align:middle line:84% Big Guy finds this excruciating, more so 00:05:51.360 --> 00:05:54.690 align:middle line:84% when his grandmother reads from the menu aloud. 00:05:54.690 --> 00:05:57.660 align:middle line:84% What about the golden French toast with maple syrup? 00:05:57.660 --> 00:05:58.890 align:middle line:90% she says. 00:05:58.890 --> 00:06:02.700 align:middle line:84% Jack, honey, how about the Belgian waffle? 00:06:02.700 --> 00:06:07.800 align:middle line:84% Before his grandmother can say flapjacks instead of pancakes, 00:06:07.800 --> 00:06:10.050 align:middle line:84% Big Guy signals the waitress and points 00:06:10.050 --> 00:06:13.060 align:middle line:90% to what he wants on the menu. 00:06:13.060 --> 00:06:14.310 align:middle line:90% The rest of us order. 00:06:14.310 --> 00:06:18.090 align:middle line:84% Then the grandfather addresses his grandson. 00:06:18.090 --> 00:06:20.220 align:middle line:90% So, he says. 00:06:20.220 --> 00:06:23.430 align:middle line:90% He says, So what do you say? 00:06:23.430 --> 00:06:25.558 align:middle line:90% What? says Big Guy. 00:06:25.558 --> 00:06:26.100 align:middle line:90% I don't know. 00:06:26.100 --> 00:06:28.620 align:middle line:90% I don't know what I'd say. 00:06:28.620 --> 00:06:31.680 align:middle line:84% The past few days have seen us in many a bistro. 00:06:31.680 --> 00:06:34.380 align:middle line:90% It hasn't been easy for Big Guy. 00:06:34.380 --> 00:06:37.020 align:middle line:84% His grandfather is always trying to take waitresses 00:06:37.020 --> 00:06:40.170 align:middle line:84% into his confidence, believing they will tell him 00:06:40.170 --> 00:06:43.860 align:middle line:84% the truth about what is good that day. 00:06:43.860 --> 00:06:47.100 align:middle line:90% Big Guy finds this excruciating. 00:06:47.100 --> 00:06:49.320 align:middle line:84% He says, Gramps, have some dignity. 00:06:49.320 --> 00:06:52.050 align:middle line:90% Snub them. 00:06:52.050 --> 00:06:56.190 align:middle line:84% But his grandfather goes on, asking, with equal gravity, 00:06:56.190 --> 00:07:02.040 align:middle line:84% for more coffee and what Big Guy plans to do after high school. 00:07:02.040 --> 00:07:06.960 align:middle line:84% Big guy heads for a glass of water, ice water, 00:07:06.960 --> 00:07:09.160 align:middle line:84% then his hand moves in slow motion-- 00:07:09.160 --> 00:07:10.710 align:middle line:90% this, for my benefit-- 00:07:10.710 --> 00:07:14.190 align:middle line:84% toward the refilled cup of coffee. 00:07:14.190 --> 00:07:16.110 align:middle line:90% Like in Egypt, he says. 00:07:16.110 --> 00:07:18.600 align:middle line:84% An aside, a reference to my telling him 00:07:18.600 --> 00:07:22.050 align:middle line:84% how Egyptians used to split stone, how they tunneled 00:07:22.050 --> 00:07:24.570 align:middle line:84% under a boulder, and chipped a narrow fissure 00:07:24.570 --> 00:07:27.030 align:middle line:90% in the underside of the rock. 00:07:27.030 --> 00:07:31.800 align:middle line:84% How they lit a fire there, let it slow burn for several days. 00:07:31.800 --> 00:07:34.680 align:middle line:84% How when they poured cold water on top of the rock, 00:07:34.680 --> 00:07:38.940 align:middle line:84% the thing cracked, clean as lightning. 00:07:38.940 --> 00:07:41.280 align:middle line:84% We will have to eat quickly if the grandparents are 00:07:41.280 --> 00:07:43.470 align:middle line:90% going to make their flight. 00:07:43.470 --> 00:07:46.920 align:middle line:84% While we wait for the return of the grandfather's new best 00:07:46.920 --> 00:07:50.220 align:middle line:84% friend, he teases his grandson about something 00:07:50.220 --> 00:07:53.520 align:middle line:84% that happened yesterday, something that Big Guy found 00:07:53.520 --> 00:07:55.950 align:middle line:90% excruciating. 00:07:55.950 --> 00:07:58.340 align:middle line:84% The grandfather says, come on, Jack. 00:07:58.340 --> 00:08:02.600 align:middle line:84% What's wrong with talking in elevators? 00:08:02.600 --> 00:08:04.460 align:middle line:90% For that matter, I could say it. 00:08:04.460 --> 00:08:08.180 align:middle line:84% I could catch my friend's eye and I could be the one to say, 00:08:08.180 --> 00:08:09.200 align:middle line:90% he's right. 00:08:09.200 --> 00:08:11.690 align:middle line:84% Look here, it's not as if the Cubs lost. 00:08:11.690 --> 00:08:15.790 align:middle line:90% 00:08:15.790 --> 00:08:19.150 align:middle line:84% Big Guy is the person I tell everything to. 00:08:19.150 --> 00:08:22.120 align:middle line:84% In exchange for my confessions, Big Guy 00:08:22.120 --> 00:08:25.540 align:middle line:84% tells me secrets, which, I can't say what they are 00:08:25.540 --> 00:08:29.440 align:middle line:84% or else they wouldn't be our secrets. 00:08:29.440 --> 00:08:33.580 align:middle line:84% Sewing is one of the secrets between us. 00:08:33.580 --> 00:08:35.799 align:middle line:84% Only Big Guy knows how considerably I 00:08:35.799 --> 00:08:40.360 align:middle line:84% had to cheat to earn the Girl Scout merit badge in sewing. 00:08:40.360 --> 00:08:42.880 align:middle line:84% It's a fact that my seamstress badge is 00:08:42.880 --> 00:08:44.710 align:middle line:90% glued to the green cotton sash. 00:08:44.710 --> 00:08:48.610 align:middle line:90% 00:08:48.610 --> 00:08:50.680 align:middle line:84% So it had to be a joke when Big Guy asked 00:08:50.680 --> 00:08:52.930 align:middle line:90% me to teach him to sew. 00:08:52.930 --> 00:08:56.260 align:middle line:84% I cannot baste a facing or tailor-tack a dart, 00:08:56.260 --> 00:08:59.290 align:middle line:84% but I can thread the goddamn needle and achieve a fairly 00:08:59.290 --> 00:09:01.570 align:middle line:90% even running stitch. 00:09:01.570 --> 00:09:04.360 align:middle line:84% It was the running stitch I taught Big Guy. 00:09:04.360 --> 00:09:07.120 align:middle line:84% He picked it up faster than I ever did. 00:09:07.120 --> 00:09:10.360 align:middle line:84% He practiced on a square of stiff blue denim. 00:09:10.360 --> 00:09:15.320 align:middle line:84% And by practiced, I mean that Big Guy did it once. 00:09:15.320 --> 00:09:18.700 align:middle line:84% That was a week ago today, or to put it another way, 00:09:18.700 --> 00:09:22.720 align:middle line:84% it was the day after Mrs. Fitch did it. 00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:25.870 align:middle line:84% Now, I am witness to her son's seams-manship, 00:09:25.870 --> 00:09:29.500 align:middle line:84% to the use that he has put his skill to. 00:09:29.500 --> 00:09:31.120 align:middle line:84% He met me at the door to his room 00:09:31.120 --> 00:09:34.600 align:middle line:84% with one hand held behind his back. 00:09:34.600 --> 00:09:37.210 align:middle line:84% I had to close my eyes to create suspense 00:09:37.210 --> 00:09:40.270 align:middle line:84% before he brought his hand forward. 00:09:40.270 --> 00:09:46.930 align:middle line:84% I opened my eyes, and that's when my stomach grabbed. 00:09:46.930 --> 00:09:49.780 align:middle line:84% Where I think he has sewn two fingers together, 00:09:49.780 --> 00:09:54.130 align:middle line:84% I see that it is both worse than that and not as bad. 00:09:54.130 --> 00:09:58.150 align:middle line:84% On the outer edge of his thumb, stitched into the very skin, 00:09:58.150 --> 00:10:01.690 align:middle line:84% my name is spelled out in small block print. 00:10:01.690 --> 00:10:05.140 align:middle line:84% It is spelled out in tight blue thread. 00:10:05.140 --> 00:10:09.790 align:middle line:84% My name is sewn into the skin of his hand. 00:10:09.790 --> 00:10:13.900 align:middle line:84% Big Guy shows me that he still holds the threaded needle. 00:10:13.900 --> 00:10:17.500 align:middle line:84% In my presence, he completes the final stitch, 00:10:17.500 --> 00:10:20.440 align:middle line:90% guiding the needle slowly. 00:10:20.440 --> 00:10:24.010 align:middle line:84% I watched the blue thread that trails like a vein 00:10:24.010 --> 00:10:26.380 align:middle line:84% and turns milky as it tunnels through 00:10:26.380 --> 00:10:27.985 align:middle line:90% the bloodless, calloused skin. 00:10:27.985 --> 00:10:32.270 align:middle line:90% 00:10:32.270 --> 00:10:34.480 align:middle line:84% I can't sew but my mother you would swear 00:10:34.480 --> 00:10:36.520 align:middle line:90% had majored in home ec. 00:10:36.520 --> 00:10:39.760 align:middle line:84% She favors a shirtwaist dress for at home, 00:10:39.760 --> 00:10:43.480 align:middle line:90% and she calls clothes garments. 00:10:43.480 --> 00:10:46.840 align:middle line:84% She makes desserts with names like Apple Brown Betty. 00:10:46.840 --> 00:10:49.180 align:middle line:84% And when she serves them, usually 00:10:49.180 --> 00:10:51.280 align:middle line:84% with a whipped topping product, she 00:10:51.280 --> 00:10:57.618 align:middle line:84% says, M-I-K, which abbreviation means More In Kitchen. 00:10:57.618 --> 00:11:01.990 align:middle line:84% [LAUGHTER] Big Guy is enthralled to her, 00:11:01.990 --> 00:11:05.440 align:middle line:84% to her tuna fish sandwiches on soft white bread, 00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:09.610 align:middle line:84% to her pink lemonade from frozen concentrate cans. 00:11:09.610 --> 00:11:12.910 align:middle line:84% He likes to horrify my mother by telling her what 00:11:12.910 --> 00:11:15.550 align:middle line:90% he would otherwise be eating. 00:11:15.550 --> 00:11:24.100 align:middle line:84% Salt sandwiches, for example, or Fizzies and Space Food Sticks. 00:11:24.100 --> 00:11:25.990 align:middle line:90% Big Guy is a welcome guest. 00:11:25.990 --> 00:11:28.690 align:middle line:84% At my house, he is the man of the house, 00:11:28.690 --> 00:11:31.660 align:middle line:90% the phrase my mother uses. 00:11:31.660 --> 00:11:34.870 align:middle line:84% My father's been dead for most of my life. 00:11:34.870 --> 00:11:38.140 align:middle line:84% We are more of a family at these lunches and dinners where, 00:11:38.140 --> 00:11:43.810 align:middle line:84% once again, the man of the house is at the head of the table. 00:11:43.810 --> 00:11:49.030 align:middle line:84% Big Guy cooks corn by placing the opened can on the burner. 00:11:49.030 --> 00:11:50.950 align:middle line:84% For breakfast, he tells my mother 00:11:50.950 --> 00:11:54.220 align:middle line:84% he pours milk into the cardboard boxes of Kellogg's 00:11:54.220 --> 00:11:56.860 align:middle line:90% miniature assortment. 00:11:56.860 --> 00:12:00.520 align:middle line:84% Since his mother died, I have seen him steam a cucumber, 00:12:00.520 --> 00:12:01.855 align:middle line:90% thinking it was zucchini. 00:12:01.855 --> 00:12:05.200 align:middle line:90% 00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:09.670 align:middle line:84% That's the kind of thing that turns my heart right over. 00:12:09.670 --> 00:12:12.760 align:middle line:84% One thing he can make is a melted cheese sandwich, 00:12:12.760 --> 00:12:15.800 align:middle line:84% open-faced, and melted under the broiler. 00:12:15.800 --> 00:12:17.950 align:middle line:84% It's what he brought to his mother for lunch 00:12:17.950 --> 00:12:19.570 align:middle line:90% when she was sick. 00:12:19.570 --> 00:12:23.740 align:middle line:84% He brought her two months worth of melted cheese. 00:12:23.740 --> 00:12:27.670 align:middle line:84% Big Guy says he brought her one that day. 00:12:27.670 --> 00:12:32.140 align:middle line:84% The last thing I said to her, Big Guy remembers, was, Mom, 00:12:32.140 --> 00:12:34.540 align:middle line:90% guess what kids at school have? 00:12:34.540 --> 00:12:36.880 align:middle line:90% I told her, Sunglasses. 00:12:36.880 --> 00:12:40.540 align:middle line:90% And she said, Save your money. 00:12:40.540 --> 00:12:44.140 align:middle line:84% Big Guy wanted to know, What about me? 00:12:44.140 --> 00:12:45.910 align:middle line:90% You were there, I remind him. 00:12:45.910 --> 00:12:48.730 align:middle line:90% Remember about her hair? 00:12:48.730 --> 00:12:50.680 align:middle line:84% The last thing I had said to Mrs. Fitch 00:12:50.680 --> 00:12:53.560 align:middle line:90% was that I liked her hair. 00:12:53.560 --> 00:12:56.410 align:middle line:84% Big Guy had accused me of trying to get in good, 00:12:56.410 --> 00:12:57.460 align:middle line:90% but it was true. 00:12:57.460 --> 00:13:00.890 align:middle line:90% I did like her hair. 00:13:00.890 --> 00:13:04.120 align:middle line:84% Later, it's a long story how Big Guy got 00:13:04.120 --> 00:13:07.280 align:middle line:90% a copy of the coroner's report. 00:13:07.280 --> 00:13:10.090 align:middle line:84% The coroner described Mrs. Fitch's auburn hair 00:13:10.090 --> 00:13:12.940 align:middle line:84% as being worn in a female fashion. 00:13:12.940 --> 00:13:16.930 align:middle line:90% 00:13:16.930 --> 00:13:20.350 align:middle line:84% I'm doing my homework in bed, drinking ginger ale, 00:13:20.350 --> 00:13:23.080 align:middle line:90% feeling a little whoopsie. 00:13:23.080 --> 00:13:25.810 align:middle line:84% I'm taking a look at a book on French grammar 00:13:25.810 --> 00:13:28.180 align:middle line:84% because is there anything cooler than talking 00:13:28.180 --> 00:13:30.700 align:middle line:90% in a foreign language? 00:13:30.700 --> 00:13:35.740 align:middle line:84% Dites-moi, Big Guy says to me whenever I have a problem. 00:13:35.740 --> 00:13:40.870 align:middle line:84% I turn the page and see that Big Guy has been there first. 00:13:40.870 --> 00:13:43.000 align:middle line:84% In addition to reading my mail, he 00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:45.670 align:middle line:84% writes in the margins of my books, 00:13:45.670 --> 00:13:48.925 align:middle line:84% usually the number of shopping days left until his birthday. 00:13:48.925 --> 00:13:52.260 align:middle line:90% 00:13:52.260 --> 00:13:54.030 align:middle line:84% Here in the French grammar, there's 00:13:54.030 --> 00:13:58.260 align:middle line:84% no telling why, Big Guy has written, 00:13:58.260 --> 00:14:00.960 align:middle line:90% Dots is spots up close. 00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:05.550 align:middle line:90% Spots is dots far away. 00:14:05.550 --> 00:14:09.180 align:middle line:84% I read this and then there he is in my room. 00:14:09.180 --> 00:14:12.390 align:middle line:84% Big Guy can do that, walk into my bedroom 00:14:12.390 --> 00:14:15.270 align:middle line:90% when I am in the bed. 00:14:15.270 --> 00:14:17.490 align:middle line:84% Years ago at school, the girls were 00:14:17.490 --> 00:14:22.740 align:middle line:84% forced to watch a film called The Most Girl Part of You. 00:14:22.740 --> 00:14:24.420 align:middle line:84% I had gone home and told my mother 00:14:24.420 --> 00:14:27.660 align:middle line:84% that Jack and I weren't doing anything. 00:14:27.660 --> 00:14:31.020 align:middle line:84% My mother, who hadn't asked if we were had 00:14:31.020 --> 00:14:32.625 align:middle line:90% said, More's the pity. 00:14:32.625 --> 00:14:35.250 align:middle line:90% 00:14:35.250 --> 00:14:37.290 align:middle line:84% In other words, it is all my mother 00:14:37.290 --> 00:14:39.915 align:middle line:84% can do to keep from dimming the lights for us. 00:14:39.915 --> 00:14:42.540 align:middle line:90% 00:14:42.540 --> 00:14:48.120 align:middle line:84% The truth is it does something to me seeing him in my bedroom. 00:14:48.120 --> 00:14:51.150 align:middle line:84% Big Guy does the female thing in a mood, 00:14:51.150 --> 00:14:55.350 align:middle line:84% go shopping, or changes the part in his hair. 00:14:55.350 --> 00:14:58.950 align:middle line:84% So when I see his hair is puffed and no doubt painful 00:14:58.950 --> 00:15:01.840 align:middle line:84% at the roots for being brushed in another direction, 00:15:01.840 --> 00:15:03.240 align:middle line:90% I am tipped off. 00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:06.240 align:middle line:90% I don't have to ask. 00:15:06.240 --> 00:15:09.900 align:middle line:84% No need to go to Antarctica, he says and smiles a phony smile 00:15:09.900 --> 00:15:12.900 align:middle line:84% so I can see where his front tooth has been broken off 00:15:12.900 --> 00:15:15.450 align:middle line:90% on the diagonal. 00:15:15.450 --> 00:15:16.560 align:middle line:90% From ice water? 00:15:16.560 --> 00:15:18.690 align:middle line:90% I say. 00:15:18.690 --> 00:15:22.680 align:middle line:84% Big Guy says his bike collided with a garbage truck. 00:15:22.680 --> 00:15:26.850 align:middle line:84% Actually, he says it wasn't an accident. 00:15:26.850 --> 00:15:30.490 align:middle line:84% And speaking of Antarctica, he says to change the subject, 00:15:30.490 --> 00:15:33.660 align:middle line:84% did you know that no matter how hungry an Eskimo gets, 00:15:33.660 --> 00:15:36.720 align:middle line:90% he will never eat a penguin? 00:15:36.720 --> 00:15:38.800 align:middle line:90% Why is that? 00:15:38.800 --> 00:15:40.710 align:middle line:90% Big Guy, triumphant-- 00:15:40.710 --> 00:15:43.800 align:middle line:84% Because Eskimos live at the North Pole and penguins 00:15:43.800 --> 00:15:44.970 align:middle line:90% live at the South Pole. 00:15:44.970 --> 00:15:48.270 align:middle line:90% 00:15:48.270 --> 00:15:49.650 align:middle line:90% And then he is gone. 00:15:49.650 --> 00:15:52.650 align:middle line:84% Gone downstairs to eat more funny food, 00:15:52.650 --> 00:15:55.230 align:middle line:84% to fix himself a glass of Fizzies 00:15:55.230 --> 00:15:57.510 align:middle line:84% or, if they have stopped making Fizzies, 00:15:57.510 --> 00:16:02.490 align:middle line:84% powdered dry Kool-Aid on a wet, licked finger. 00:16:02.490 --> 00:16:05.880 align:middle line:84% I see his schoolbooks where he left them on my dresser. 00:16:05.880 --> 00:16:07.920 align:middle line:90% I see my chance. 00:16:07.920 --> 00:16:11.400 align:middle line:84% I skipped the texts and make for his spiral notebook, 00:16:11.400 --> 00:16:15.870 align:middle line:84% there to leave searing commentary in the margins. 00:16:15.870 --> 00:16:18.450 align:middle line:84% I find handwriting which, only after a moment, 00:16:18.450 --> 00:16:21.270 align:middle line:84% becomes the words that I am reading. 00:16:21.270 --> 00:16:26.100 align:middle line:84% Big Guy has written, If we had trimmed the cat's claws 00:16:26.100 --> 00:16:29.520 align:middle line:84% before she snagged the bedspread, if we'd 00:16:29.520 --> 00:16:33.480 align:middle line:84% had French toast for breakfast instead of eggs, 00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:38.490 align:middle line:84% if we had gone to the movies instead of Dad being tired. 00:16:38.490 --> 00:16:40.260 align:middle line:84% The bottom half of the page is filled 00:16:40.260 --> 00:16:43.050 align:middle line:90% with inky, abstract drawings. 00:16:43.050 --> 00:16:48.090 align:middle line:84% On the next page, he continues, Am I thinking the wrong things? 00:16:48.090 --> 00:16:53.190 align:middle line:84% Should I wonder instead what took you so long? 00:16:53.190 --> 00:16:56.580 align:middle line:84% I reasoned that if he left it here, he wanted me to see it. 00:16:56.580 --> 00:17:00.320 align:middle line:90% 00:17:00.320 --> 00:17:02.450 align:middle line:84% Big Guy takes me to a party the same day 00:17:02.450 --> 00:17:04.190 align:middle line:90% he goes to the dentist. 00:17:04.190 --> 00:17:06.599 align:middle line:84% There are refreshments for an hour. 00:17:06.599 --> 00:17:08.569 align:middle line:84% Then the lights go out in the basement 00:17:08.569 --> 00:17:11.510 align:middle line:90% and the records start to play. 00:17:11.510 --> 00:17:16.819 align:middle line:84% Big Guy says, May I challenge you to a dance? 00:17:16.819 --> 00:17:18.380 align:middle line:90% I move into his arms. 00:17:18.380 --> 00:17:20.660 align:middle line:84% It is the first time we have danced 00:17:20.660 --> 00:17:24.020 align:middle line:84% and the hand that is at the small of my back catches 00:17:24.020 --> 00:17:28.520 align:middle line:84% as it slides across the silk of my good new dress. 00:17:28.520 --> 00:17:31.410 align:middle line:84% I don't have to look to know what it is. 00:17:31.410 --> 00:17:33.440 align:middle line:84% It's the dry, jagged skin from where 00:17:33.440 --> 00:17:36.200 align:middle line:84% he pulled my threaded name out of the place 00:17:36.200 --> 00:17:37.280 align:middle line:90% where he had sewn it. 00:17:37.280 --> 00:17:40.040 align:middle line:90% 00:17:40.040 --> 00:17:41.990 align:middle line:84% Big Guy leads me to the side of the room 00:17:41.990 --> 00:17:46.130 align:middle line:84% where a blacklight turns our white clothes purple. 00:17:46.130 --> 00:17:49.070 align:middle line:84% The blacklight does something else, I notice. 00:17:49.070 --> 00:17:55.310 align:middle line:84% When Big Guy talks, it turns the capped tooth dingy gray. 00:17:55.310 --> 00:17:56.900 align:middle line:90% Another girl notices. 00:17:56.900 --> 00:17:58.580 align:middle line:84% She says, That is why you never see 00:17:58.580 --> 00:18:00.590 align:middle line:90% a blacklight used in Hollywood. 00:18:00.590 --> 00:18:03.380 align:middle line:90% 00:18:03.380 --> 00:18:06.560 align:middle line:84% This is the birth of vanity for my date. 00:18:06.560 --> 00:18:10.190 align:middle line:84% Big Guy says it's time to go and if I want to go with him, 00:18:10.190 --> 00:18:12.290 align:middle line:90% I can. 00:18:12.290 --> 00:18:13.580 align:middle line:90% Of course I do. 00:18:13.580 --> 00:18:16.010 align:middle line:84% It's so cheap to leave with someone who is not 00:18:16.010 --> 00:18:19.010 align:middle line:90% the person you came with. 00:18:19.010 --> 00:18:21.770 align:middle line:84% To show that I can give it as well as I can take it, 00:18:21.770 --> 00:18:26.810 align:middle line:84% I say, Big Guy, come on, it's not as if the Cubs lost. 00:18:26.810 --> 00:18:28.670 align:middle line:90% He says, Cut me some slack. 00:18:28.670 --> 00:18:31.790 align:middle line:90% And we get into Mr. Fitch's car. 00:18:31.790 --> 00:18:35.060 align:middle line:84% I tune in the oldies station and mouth 00:18:35.060 --> 00:18:39.110 align:middle line:84% a Motown hit, the words of which clash ridiculously 00:18:39.110 --> 00:18:42.650 align:middle line:84% with Big Guy's and my frame of reference. 00:18:42.650 --> 00:18:44.990 align:middle line:84% When I stopped knowing enough of the words, 00:18:44.990 --> 00:18:48.590 align:middle line:90% I hum along with the radio. 00:18:48.590 --> 00:18:51.770 align:middle line:84% We hum, Big Guy informs, because people 00:18:51.770 --> 00:18:53.180 align:middle line:90% are evolved from insects. 00:18:53.180 --> 00:18:55.840 align:middle line:90% 00:18:55.840 --> 00:18:59.890 align:middle line:84% Humming, buzzing, you see what I mean? 00:18:59.890 --> 00:19:01.630 align:middle line:84% This is something he probably heard 00:19:01.630 --> 00:19:04.150 align:middle line:84% the same place he learned about the cracking teeth 00:19:04.150 --> 00:19:06.760 align:middle line:90% of Antarctica. 00:19:06.760 --> 00:19:09.130 align:middle line:90% Big Guy drives me home. 00:19:09.130 --> 00:19:13.540 align:middle line:84% Nobody is there, not that it would matter if anybody was. 00:19:13.540 --> 00:19:16.870 align:middle line:84% I sit on the couch in the family room in the dark. 00:19:16.870 --> 00:19:21.400 align:middle line:84% Big Guy finds the oldies station on my mother's antique Zenith. 00:19:21.400 --> 00:19:23.950 align:middle line:90% The music comes in faintly. 00:19:23.950 --> 00:19:26.180 align:middle line:84% You would have to strain to hear the words 00:19:26.180 --> 00:19:30.850 align:middle line:84% if, unlike myself, you did not know the words already. 00:19:30.850 --> 00:19:33.670 align:middle line:84% Then it's both of us sitting in the humid dark, 00:19:33.670 --> 00:19:36.880 align:middle line:84% Big Guy buzzing along with the radio, 00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:40.600 align:middle line:84% me scratching the mosquito bites I always get. 00:19:40.600 --> 00:19:45.220 align:middle line:84% A few minutes of this and Big Guy is off to the bathroom. 00:19:45.220 --> 00:19:48.250 align:middle line:84% He comes back with a small pink bottle. 00:19:48.250 --> 00:19:52.090 align:middle line:84% He sings, You're going to need an ocean of calamine lotion 00:19:52.090 --> 00:19:56.260 align:middle line:84% as he dabs it on the hot, white bites. 00:19:56.260 --> 00:19:59.470 align:middle line:84% I tell him he ought to chill it first. 00:19:59.470 --> 00:20:02.290 align:middle line:84% So he takes the bottle into the kitchen, 00:20:02.290 --> 00:20:06.640 align:middle line:84% he opens the refrigerator, and calls me in to look. 00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:10.420 align:middle line:84% He shows me where a moth has been drawn by the single light. 00:20:10.420 --> 00:20:13.720 align:middle line:84% Its wings beat madly in the cold air. 00:20:13.720 --> 00:20:17.950 align:middle line:84% They drag across the uncovered butter, dust the chocolate 00:20:17.950 --> 00:20:21.940 align:middle line:84% pudding, graze the lipstick smear on the open end of a milk 00:20:21.940 --> 00:20:24.220 align:middle line:90% carton. 00:20:24.220 --> 00:20:26.350 align:middle line:84% We try to get the thing out, but it 00:20:26.350 --> 00:20:29.350 align:middle line:84% flaps behind a jar of wheat germ and from there 00:20:29.350 --> 00:20:31.840 align:middle line:90% into the vegetable Humidrawer. 00:20:31.840 --> 00:20:35.260 align:middle line:84% At that point, Big Guy shuts the door. 00:20:35.260 --> 00:20:38.080 align:middle line:90% I've got another idea, he says. 00:20:38.080 --> 00:20:41.080 align:middle line:90% Wait for me on the couch. 00:20:41.080 --> 00:20:44.140 align:middle line:84% He comes back with a razor blade. 00:20:44.140 --> 00:20:47.410 align:middle line:84% He says, This will take the itch out. 00:20:47.410 --> 00:20:52.180 align:middle line:84% He drags the blade twice across a bite on the back of my wrist. 00:20:52.180 --> 00:20:57.790 align:middle line:84% The tiny X turns red as blood comes up to the cut surface. 00:20:57.790 --> 00:21:00.880 align:middle line:84% I am too amazed to say anything, so Big Guy 00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:06.760 align:middle line:84% continues, razoring Xs into bites on my legs and arms. 00:21:06.760 --> 00:21:11.980 align:middle line:84% Now, I think, now we could become blood brothers. 00:21:11.980 --> 00:21:14.110 align:middle line:84% But that is not what Big Guy is thinking. 00:21:14.110 --> 00:21:16.810 align:middle line:90% And finally, I come to know it. 00:21:16.810 --> 00:21:20.530 align:middle line:84% I submit to his crude doctoring until he cuts an X 00:21:20.530 --> 00:21:23.170 align:middle line:90% into a bite on my shoulder. 00:21:23.170 --> 00:21:26.380 align:middle line:84% Suddenly, he lowers his head until it isn't the blade, 00:21:26.380 --> 00:21:30.230 align:middle line:90% but his mouth on my skin. 00:21:30.230 --> 00:21:32.800 align:middle line:84% I had only been kissed once before. 00:21:32.800 --> 00:21:36.078 align:middle line:84% The fellow had made me think of those kids whose mouths covered 00:21:36.078 --> 00:21:37.870 align:middle line:84% the spigot when they drink from a fountain. 00:21:37.870 --> 00:21:40.450 align:middle line:90% 00:21:40.450 --> 00:21:44.550 align:middle line:84% When I had pulled away from him, this fellow had said, B-plus. 00:21:44.550 --> 00:21:50.380 align:middle line:90% 00:21:50.380 --> 00:21:52.690 align:middle line:90% Big Guy is going to kiss me. 00:21:52.690 --> 00:21:56.800 align:middle line:84% [AUDIO OUT] [INAUDIBLE] I make light of what could happen. 00:21:56.800 --> 00:22:00.220 align:middle line:84% I say the cool thing I've been saving up to say. 00:22:00.220 --> 00:22:02.440 align:middle line:90% I say, Stop it, Big Guy. 00:22:02.440 --> 00:22:05.800 align:middle line:90% Stop it some more. 00:22:05.800 --> 00:22:09.430 align:middle line:84% And then he says the cool thing he has been saving 00:22:09.430 --> 00:22:12.670 align:middle line:84% or, being Big Guy, has made up on the spot. 00:22:12.670 --> 00:22:15.550 align:middle line:84% He says, I always give a woman what she wants, 00:22:15.550 --> 00:22:18.880 align:middle line:90% whether she wants it or not. 00:22:18.880 --> 00:22:21.130 align:middle line:84% And that's the end of the joking around. 00:22:21.130 --> 00:22:23.650 align:middle line:90% We get it out of our systems. 00:22:23.650 --> 00:22:27.340 align:middle line:84% We take the length of the couch, squirming like maggots 00:22:27.340 --> 00:22:27.910 align:middle line:90% in ashes. 00:22:27.910 --> 00:22:30.520 align:middle line:90% 00:22:30.520 --> 00:22:34.630 align:middle line:84% I'm not ready for this, but here's what I come up with-- 00:22:34.630 --> 00:22:38.350 align:middle line:90% he's a boy without a mother. 00:22:38.350 --> 00:22:41.230 align:middle line:90% I look beyond my own hesitation. 00:22:41.230 --> 00:22:45.460 align:middle line:84% I find my mother, Big Guy's father. 00:22:45.460 --> 00:22:49.060 align:middle line:84% We are on this couch for our newly and lastingly widowed 00:22:49.060 --> 00:22:50.140 align:middle line:90% parents as well. 00:22:50.140 --> 00:22:53.340 align:middle line:90% 00:22:53.340 --> 00:22:55.860 align:middle line:90% Big Guy and I are still dressed. 00:22:55.860 --> 00:22:58.470 align:middle line:84% I am bleeding through my clothes from the razor 00:22:58.470 --> 00:23:03.270 align:middle line:84% bites when Big Guy pushes his knee up between my legs. 00:23:03.270 --> 00:23:06.195 align:middle line:84% If you have to get up, he says, don't. 00:23:06.195 --> 00:23:09.610 align:middle line:90% 00:23:09.610 --> 00:23:13.630 align:middle line:84% I play back everything that has happened to me before this. 00:23:13.630 --> 00:23:17.830 align:middle line:84% I want to ask Big Guy if he is doing this too. 00:23:17.830 --> 00:23:21.670 align:middle line:84% I want him to know what it clearly seems to me. 00:23:21.670 --> 00:23:24.640 align:middle line:84% That if it's true your life flashes past your eyes 00:23:24.640 --> 00:23:27.850 align:middle line:84% before you die, then it is also the truth 00:23:27.850 --> 00:23:30.160 align:middle line:84% that your life rushes forth when you 00:23:30.160 --> 00:23:33.610 align:middle line:84% are ready to start to truly be alive." 00:23:33.610 --> 00:23:34.450 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:23:34.450 --> 00:23:35.950 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:23:35.950 --> 00:23:39.250 align:middle line:90% 00:23:39.250 --> 00:23:41.100 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:23:41.100 --> 00:23:53.000 align:middle line:90%