WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.930 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.930 --> 00:00:01.863 align:middle line:90% "Five". 00:00:01.863 --> 00:00:06.120 align:middle line:90% 00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:07.545 align:middle line:84% A young man leaving a nursing home 00:00:07.545 --> 00:00:09.420 align:middle line:84% gives his ancient grandmother and grandfather 00:00:09.420 --> 00:00:12.030 align:middle line:90% what might be the final hug. 00:00:12.030 --> 00:00:13.770 align:middle line:84% My advice, son, says the grandfather, 00:00:13.770 --> 00:00:16.477 align:middle line:84% finds yourself a woman like this one. 00:00:16.477 --> 00:00:18.060 align:middle line:84% Turning to go, with tears in his eyes, 00:00:18.060 --> 00:00:20.730 align:middle line:84% the young man drops his car keys. 00:00:20.730 --> 00:00:22.410 align:middle line:84% As he picks them up, a bag of Doritos 00:00:22.410 --> 00:00:24.780 align:middle line:90% falls out of his pocket. 00:00:24.780 --> 00:00:26.730 align:middle line:84% The grandmother and grandmother race 00:00:26.730 --> 00:00:29.040 align:middle line:84% in fast motion for the bag of Doritos, 00:00:29.040 --> 00:00:31.830 align:middle line:84% kicking, gouging, and biting each other. 00:00:31.830 --> 00:00:33.810 align:middle line:84% The grandfather finally wins with a hard elbow 00:00:33.810 --> 00:00:37.720 align:middle line:84% to the grandmother's throat, which knocks her unconscious. 00:00:37.720 --> 00:00:39.720 align:middle line:84% Grandpa, what are you doing, the young man says, 00:00:39.720 --> 00:00:41.430 align:middle line:90% it's just a bag of Doritos! 00:00:41.430 --> 00:00:45.360 align:middle line:84% Just a bag of Doritos, says the grandfather. 00:00:45.360 --> 00:00:48.030 align:middle line:84% You speak lies, scum, says the grandmother regaining 00:00:48.030 --> 00:00:49.393 align:middle line:90% consciousness. 00:00:49.393 --> 00:00:51.060 align:middle line:84% Then the grandmother and grandfather nod 00:00:51.060 --> 00:00:53.520 align:middle line:84% to the Doritos bag, which rams into the young man who 00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:55.950 align:middle line:84% falls to the floor, and is kicked repeatedly 00:00:55.950 --> 00:00:58.200 align:middle line:90% by his grandparents. 00:00:58.200 --> 00:01:00.910 align:middle line:84% Grandma, grandpa, please, stop, the young man says. 00:01:00.910 --> 00:01:02.580 align:middle line:84% Hearing herself called grandmother, 00:01:02.580 --> 00:01:04.230 align:middle line:90% grandmother hesitates. 00:01:04.230 --> 00:01:06.222 align:middle line:90% The Doritos bags scowls at her. 00:01:06.222 --> 00:01:07.930 align:middle line:84% The grandfather kicks her in the stomach, 00:01:07.930 --> 00:01:09.805 align:middle line:90% and she falls to the floor. 00:01:09.805 --> 00:01:11.430 align:middle line:84% Who do you think you are, the young man 00:01:11.430 --> 00:01:12.870 align:middle line:90% screams at the Doritos bag. 00:01:12.870 --> 00:01:15.480 align:middle line:84% Do you believe yourself to be some sort of god? 00:01:15.480 --> 00:01:17.310 align:middle line:90% You're a bag of corn chips! 00:01:17.310 --> 00:01:19.910 align:middle line:84% With tons of salt and about nine common coloring agents, 00:01:19.910 --> 00:01:20.410 align:middle line:90% that's it. 00:01:20.410 --> 00:01:22.890 align:middle line:90% That's all you are! 00:01:22.890 --> 00:01:24.930 align:middle line:84% The Doritos bag takes a huge sword 00:01:24.930 --> 00:01:28.380 align:middle line:84% from behind the back of its bag and decapitates the young man. 00:01:28.380 --> 00:01:31.090 align:middle line:90% 00:01:31.090 --> 00:01:34.000 align:middle line:84% Now what do you have to say, says the grandmother. 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:36.496 align:middle line:84% Nothing, says the young man's head. 00:01:36.496 --> 00:01:38.790 align:middle line:84% Do you love Doritos more than anything, 00:01:38.790 --> 00:01:40.120 align:middle line:90% says the bag of Doritos-- 00:01:40.120 --> 00:01:42.220 align:middle line:84% which speaks with an accent, do you remember? 00:01:42.220 --> 00:01:44.110 align:middle line:90% The young man's head hesitates. 00:01:44.110 --> 00:01:47.510 align:middle line:84% The Doritos bag cleaves the head in two. 00:01:47.510 --> 00:01:49.510 align:middle line:84% The grandfather, prompted by the bag of Doritos, 00:01:49.510 --> 00:01:52.030 align:middle line:84% kicks one half of the head into the street 00:01:52.030 --> 00:01:56.500 align:middle line:84% where it's run over by a Doritos truck and reduced to mush. 00:01:56.500 --> 00:01:58.120 align:middle line:84% On the other un-mushed half of a head, 00:01:58.120 --> 00:02:01.060 align:middle line:84% one eyebrow goes up in sudden fear. 00:02:01.060 --> 00:02:04.090 align:middle line:84% Care for a Dorito, says the grandfather. 00:02:04.090 --> 00:02:07.300 align:middle line:84% Yes, the remaining half of a head says. 00:02:07.300 --> 00:02:10.060 align:middle line:84% Yes, please, says the grandfather. 00:02:10.060 --> 00:02:13.210 align:middle line:84% Yes, please, says the remaining half a head. 00:02:13.210 --> 00:02:16.300 align:middle line:84% Yes, please, it is sweeter to me than the most profound nectar? 00:02:16.300 --> 00:02:18.720 align:middle line:90% says the grandfather. 00:02:18.720 --> 00:02:21.600 align:middle line:84% Yes, please, it is sweeter to me than the most profound nectar, 00:02:21.600 --> 00:02:23.345 align:middle line:90% says the remaining half a head. 00:02:23.345 --> 00:02:24.720 align:middle line:84% Fat chance, says the grandfather, 00:02:24.720 --> 00:02:27.757 align:middle line:84% you're not good enough for even a tiny fragment of a burrito. 00:02:27.757 --> 00:02:30.090 align:middle line:84% Then he kicks the remaining half a head into the street, 00:02:30.090 --> 00:02:31.530 align:middle line:90% alongside the mush. 00:02:31.530 --> 00:02:34.950 align:middle line:84% And the Doritos truck backs up over the second half of head 00:02:34.950 --> 00:02:37.478 align:middle line:84% reducing it to a second pile of mush. 00:02:37.478 --> 00:02:39.270 align:middle line:84% Do you still believe that Doritos is merely 00:02:39.270 --> 00:02:41.010 align:middle line:84% a bag of corn chips with a ton of salt 00:02:41.010 --> 00:02:43.050 align:middle line:90% and about nine coloring agents? 00:02:43.050 --> 00:02:46.320 align:middle line:84% The grandfather screams into two piles of mush. 00:02:46.320 --> 00:02:49.603 align:middle line:84% The piles of mush are too frightened to answer. 00:02:49.603 --> 00:02:52.020 align:middle line:84% The bag of Doritos and the grandfather and the grandmother 00:02:52.020 --> 00:02:55.140 align:middle line:84% walk off, stepping comically over the two mushes 00:02:55.140 --> 00:02:58.860 align:middle line:84% with exaggeratedly high steps, as if revulsed. 00:02:58.860 --> 00:03:00.810 align:middle line:84% They are escaping from the old folks home, 00:03:00.810 --> 00:03:03.570 align:middle line:84% going to live in the land of Doritos. 00:03:03.570 --> 00:03:08.270 align:middle line:84% Which is not in Mexico exactly, but is very much like Mexico.