WEBVTT

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11.

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"Hours later, the polar bear
with the axe in his head

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is still hiding under
his bed, trembling.

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He's never seen anything
like that before.

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That green thing
can raise the dead.

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That green thing can brainwash
the most powerful coalition

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in the world.

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He doesn't want to mess with
that green thing, not ever.

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He knows what he has to do.

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He has to get up, go into
the bathroom, take a shower.

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During the shower,
the axe in his head

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will miraculously
disappear, and then he'll

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get hungry, very hungry,
specifically for Cheetos.

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He'll walk out of
town, cursing himself

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under his breath, simultaneously
ashamed and aroused.

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The landscape will
suddenly go arctic.

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An igloo will appear.

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Will anyone be home?

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They will not.

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He'll begin madly salivating.

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God, he can't stand it.

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It makes him so nervous.

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He must have some kind
of anxiety disorder.

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He remembers the
enraged expression

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on the father Eskimo's
face as he draws back

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the axe, the frightened
yipping of the malamute puppy,

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the shocked way the Eskimo kids
cover their O-shaped mouths

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with their mittens.

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His alarm clock goes off.

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'I really don't want to do
this,' he thinks. 'Please God,

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send me a sign.

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Tell me I don't have to do this.

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Show me that you're a gentle,
loving god who desires good

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things for me.'

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Suddenly, the roof of
the house flies off.

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The room fills with
green light, and

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a pulsing muscular green limb,
like an arm hand but more

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fluid, extends rapidly down
from the hovering green symbol

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and flings the bed
aside, revealing

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the trembling
polar bear, ass up.

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The polar bear gets
to his feet, wets

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his paw, pats down his hair.

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'I was just cleaning
under that bed,' he says.

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'Of course I desire a good
thing for you,' the green symbol

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intones.

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'Such as, I desire that you have
the deep feeling of pleasure

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that comes from doing your
job and doing it well.'

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'You can read my mind?'

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the polar bear says.

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'Do you sometimes have a sexual
fantasy involving a vulnerable

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reindeer who comes to you asking
for help fending off a mean

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cougar?'

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says the symbol.

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'Haha, well,' says
the polar bear.

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'Get to work now,'
the symbol says,

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'and don't think
about it so deep.

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Don't be so negative.

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Try to be positive.

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Try to be a productive
part of our team.

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Do you have any questions?'

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'I can ask you a question?'
says the polar bear. 'Sure.

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Of course,' said the green
symbol. 'Ask me anything.'

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'Are you God?' says
the polar bear.

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'I can read your
mind,' says the symbol.

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'I can raise the dead.

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I can rip off your roof.

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Any other questions?'

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The polar bear actually has
a number of other questions.

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'First, what did that penis-less
guy mean when he refered

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to devising an approach, quote,
in which the sacred things

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in life are no longer
appropriated in the service

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of selling what are, after
all, et cetera, et cetera?'

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The polar bear
distinctly remembers

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him saying the word selling.

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'What's being sold?

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Who's doing this selling?

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If they're selling,
mustn't there be buying?

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Who's doing the buying?

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Are there vignettes somehow
intent to influence this mind?'

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Are the instances
of elaborate cruelty

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he has witnessed ever since
he was a small cub believed

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to somehow positively impact
the ability of the vignettes

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to cause buying?

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If so, how?

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'How dare you even think of
asking me that?' thunders

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the green symbol.

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'How dare you get all
up in my business?'

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'You said I could ask you
anything,' says the polar bear.

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Every vase in the
house explodes.

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All the flowers die.

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The kitchen table collapses,
then bursts into flame.

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The polar bear,
blushing, gets his towel,

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goes quickly into the shower.

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When he gets out, there's
no axe in his head, no scar.

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The green symbol is gone.

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The roof's back on the house.

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The vases are intact,
the flowers alive.

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The kitchen table's
fine, and actually has

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a nice new tablecloth.

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'No problem,' the polar bear
thinks in case the symbol is

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reading his mind at that moment.

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'No problem.

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No problem at all.

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Just going to work now.'

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The polar bear walks for
miles through the desert,

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mumbling encouragement
to himself.

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Yeah, OK.

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That moment when the
axe goes in is bad.

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At the moment immediately after
when the Eskimo says something

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in the Eskimo language and
Eskimo kids laugh at him as he

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stumbles out of the
igloo, blinded by pain,

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and the subtitle appears,
'Yo, keep your paws off

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my cheeks,' not so great either.

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The long walk home,
dripping blood

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into the fresh white snow,
OK, also not the best.

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But what's he supposed to do?

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Fight with God?

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He feels a chill
that starts to snow.

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Everything goes arctic.

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On his left is a
familiar glacial cliff.

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The penguins he always
passes nod gravely.

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The igloo comes into sight.

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Is anyone home?

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They're not.

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He begins madly salivating.

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Filled with dread,
he enters the igloo

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and takes the usual single
handful of Cheetos, waits.

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In rush the Eskimo children,
fresh from sledding.

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Behind them comes their
father with axe, enraged.

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But for the first
time, the polar bear

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also notices in the man's
eyes a deep sadness.

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Of course.

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It makes perfect sense.

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How much fun can it
be driving an axe

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into the head of a perfectly
nice polar bear day after day

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in front of your kids?

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He's heard through the grapevine
that the Eskimo father drinks

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heavily, has lately
started having

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violent nightmares
in which he turns he

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acts on his own
wife and children.

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The truth is, this
stupid system causes

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suffering wherever you look.

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He's seen the
puppet boy returning

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from work sobbing from his
excruciating leg burns.

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He's watched Voltaire.

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Blinded by the bright sun
shining in his extremely wide

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open eyes, struggling to find
a story, buys his French bread.

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He's heard the wives of the
headless working class guys

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fall silent whenever one of
the headless working class guys

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insists he's perfectly capable
of driving the kids to school.

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And the crazy thing is, it's
not just the victims who suffer.

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He's seen the T-Rex
moping around the quarry,

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asking passers by if the
working class guys are still

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mad at him.

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He's seen the can of
Raid absentmindedly

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spraying its
contents around, even

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when there aren't any
bugs because it feels

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so bad about what
it did to Voltaire,

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whose work he actually admires.

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The polar bear looks directly
into the Eskimo father's face.

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'I know you don't want to do
this,' he tries to communicate

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with his eyes.

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'I forgive you, and please
forgive me for my part in this.

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I am, after all,
breaking and entering.'

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With his eyes, the Eskimo
father communicates, 'Same here.

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Totally.

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This whole thing is just
a big crock of shit as far

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as I'm concerned.'

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The polar bear communicates,
'Better swing that ax, friend.

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It's getting late.'

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The Eskimo
communicates, 'I know.

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I know it.'

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And then he does it.

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As the polar bear stumbles out
of the igloo, blinded by pain,

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he thinks about his mother, who
all through his childhood again

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and again while out gathering
flowers nearly collided

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with a guy in jodhpurs
who then shot her.

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After being shot, she was
made into a rug, which is then

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in montage sold and resold
many times until finally it

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was shown being cleaned
decades later with Rug

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Bright by hippies after
a big hippie party.

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He thinks about his father who
every day of his working life

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was given a rectal
exam by Santa Claus.

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In the middle of which, Santa
Claus, who had allergies,

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sneezed.

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That was the big joke.

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When Santa sneezed, Dad winced.

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Was selling what all that
suffering was about, selling?

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Selling Rug Bright,
selling Allernaze?

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How should he know?

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He's just a polar bear,
and half the time he's

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got an axe in his hair,
which doesn't exactly

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tend to maximize one's
analytical abilities.

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And usually, he's laying around
his house with the ice pack

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on, thinking basically
nothing but, ouch, ouch, ouch.

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The polar bear leans
against a Christmas tree

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trying to catch his breath.

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It can't be true.

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It simply can't be.

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But it is true.

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He feels that his heart.

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The polar bear stumbles
past the penguins.

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Noting his agitation
and the fact

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that he goes right
instead of left

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at the large tuft
of tundra grass,

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the penguins waddle
around excitedly,

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gossiping among themselves.

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All gossiping ceases
when the polar bear

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steps to the edge of
a huge glacial cliff.

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Then he throws himself off.

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Falling, his only fear is that
the green symbol will appear

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and miraculously save him.

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But no, the green
symbol, it would appear,

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is not truly omniscient
after all, which means--

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the polar bear
realizes with a start--

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that the green symbol may
not actually be God at all.

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That is, the symbol may
not be the real actual God.

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He may just be a
very powerful faker.

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He may have a touch of
God, which he's distorted.

00:08:56.800 --> 00:08:59.260 align:middle line:84%
He may be, in other words,
a kind of secondary guy,

00:08:59.260 --> 00:09:01.990 align:middle line:84%
a being so powerful relative
to him, the polar bear,

00:09:01.990 --> 00:09:04.120 align:middle line:90%
that he appears to be God.

00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:06.220 align:middle line:84%
The real actual God
may not even know

00:09:06.220 --> 00:09:08.830 align:middle line:84%
about the way his universe
is being run roughshod over

00:09:08.830 --> 00:09:11.500 align:middle line:90%
by this twisted false god.

00:09:11.500 --> 00:09:13.060 align:middle line:84%
The real actual
God, the polar bear

00:09:13.060 --> 00:09:15.160 align:middle line:84%
realizes in his last
instant of life,

00:09:15.160 --> 00:09:18.370 align:middle line:84%
has been heretofore
entirely unknown to him.

00:09:18.370 --> 00:09:21.100 align:middle line:84%
And yet, this true God
must exist and be knowable

00:09:21.100 --> 00:09:23.650 align:middle line:84%
since the idea of this
perfect and merciful God

00:09:23.650 --> 00:09:28.240 align:middle line:84%
is emanating fully formed from
within him, the polar bear.

00:09:28.240 --> 00:09:30.190 align:middle line:84%
He has, in fact, already
taken his first step

00:09:30.190 --> 00:09:32.620 align:middle line:84%
toward knowledge of the
true God via his rejection

00:09:32.620 --> 00:09:34.160 align:middle line:90%
of the false god.

00:09:34.160 --> 00:09:34.670 align:middle line:90%
Shoot.

00:09:34.670 --> 00:09:35.170 align:middle line:90%
Dang it.

00:09:35.170 --> 00:09:36.250 align:middle line:90%
If only he could live.

00:09:36.250 --> 00:09:39.110 align:middle line:90%


00:09:39.110 --> 00:09:40.680 align:middle line:90%
The polar bear hits the ground.

00:09:40.680 --> 00:09:42.450 align:middle line:84%
And because no one
in this sub universe

00:09:42.450 --> 00:09:44.100 align:middle line:84%
can die without
the express consent

00:09:44.100 --> 00:09:48.540 align:middle line:84%
of certain important parties,
does not die, but bounces.

00:09:48.540 --> 00:09:50.790 align:middle line:84%
As the penguins stand on the
edge of the cliff looking

00:09:50.790 --> 00:09:53.490 align:middle line:84%
cautiously down, he
rockets up past them.

00:09:53.490 --> 00:09:55.860 align:middle line:84%
'God is real,' he shouts,
'and we may know him.'

00:09:55.860 --> 00:09:59.560 align:middle line:90%


00:09:59.560 --> 00:10:02.250 align:middle line:84%
The penguins watch him
reach the apex of his bounce

00:10:02.250 --> 00:10:03.630 align:middle line:90%
and start back down.

00:10:03.630 --> 00:10:06.120 align:middle line:84%
'The green symbol is a
false god,' he shouts,

00:10:06.120 --> 00:10:08.790 align:middle line:84%
'a false god obsessed with
violence and domination.

00:10:08.790 --> 00:10:09.690 align:middle line:90%
Reject him.

00:10:09.690 --> 00:10:10.740 align:middle line:90%
Let us begin anew.

00:10:10.740 --> 00:10:11.640 align:middle line:90%
Free your minds.

00:10:11.640 --> 00:10:12.990 align:middle line:90%
Free your minds and live.

00:10:12.990 --> 00:10:15.000 align:middle line:84%
There's a gentler, more
generous God within us,

00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:17.490 align:middle line:90%
if only we will look.'

00:10:17.490 --> 00:10:21.263 align:middle line:84%
The penguins, always
easily embarrassed,

00:10:21.263 --> 00:10:22.680 align:middle line:84%
are especially
embarrassed by this

00:10:22.680 --> 00:10:24.600 align:middle line:84%
and looking around to
verify that the tundra's

00:10:24.600 --> 00:10:27.090 align:middle line:84%
vast emptiness precludes
anyone having witnessed

00:10:27.090 --> 00:10:30.720 align:middle line:84%
and actually listening to this
heretical subversive nonsense,

00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:33.668 align:middle line:84%
waddle away to sit on their
large ugly eggs and gossip

00:10:33.668 --> 00:10:36.210 align:middle line:84%
about the fact that the polar
bear, about whom they've always

00:10:36.210 --> 00:10:40.740 align:middle line:84%
had their doubts, has
finally gone insane.

00:10:40.740 --> 00:10:43.780 align:middle line:84%
'Talk about crazy,' one
of them finally says,

00:10:43.780 --> 00:10:47.820 align:middle line:84%
in what they all instantaneously
recognize as the sacred first

00:10:47.820 --> 00:10:50.640 align:middle line:84%
utterance of an entirely
new blessed vignette.

00:10:50.640 --> 00:10:55.530 align:middle line:84%
'I myself am completely
crazy for Skittles.'

00:10:55.530 --> 00:10:57.180 align:middle line:90%
Then they all stand.

00:10:57.180 --> 00:10:59.580 align:middle line:84%
As in a beautiful
dream, their eggs

00:10:59.580 --> 00:11:01.560 align:middle line:84%
have been miraculously
transformed beneath them

00:11:01.560 --> 00:11:04.170 align:middle line:90%
into large colorful Skittles.

00:11:04.170 --> 00:11:07.050 align:middle line:84%
The penguins look heavenward
in deep gratitude, then

00:11:07.050 --> 00:11:11.040 align:middle line:84%
manically begin dancing the
mindless penguin dance of joy."

00:11:11.040 --> 00:11:12.330 align:middle line:90%
Thanks.

00:11:12.330 --> 00:11:15.380 align:middle line:90%
[APPLAUSE]

00:11:15.380 --> 00:11:22.000 align:middle line:90%