WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.870 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.870 --> 00:00:03.810 align:middle line:84% It was James's modus operandi to light up a blunt 00:00:03.810 --> 00:00:07.710 align:middle line:84% as soon as the AC had blown all the hot air out of the car. 00:00:07.710 --> 00:00:11.400 align:middle line:84% Roll up the windows, turn on the stereo, light up the blunt. 00:00:11.400 --> 00:00:14.340 align:middle line:84% That was the ritual, and as Jim B often 00:00:14.340 --> 00:00:19.860 align:middle line:84% pointed out when drug use is ritualized, no problemo. 00:00:19.860 --> 00:00:23.940 align:middle line:84% Today, steel guitar, rap, Funkadelic influences, 00:00:23.940 --> 00:00:28.920 align:middle line:84% Stereo Maracana, Yes, liquid guitar with staccato voices, 00:00:28.920 --> 00:00:32.549 align:middle line:84% as close to Van's interior music as you'd ever heard. 00:00:32.549 --> 00:00:37.440 align:middle line:84% Smooth blue undertones, pulsing polka dots of orange then red. 00:00:37.440 --> 00:00:40.200 align:middle line:84% If he had his guitar in his hands right now, 00:00:40.200 --> 00:00:44.280 align:middle line:84% the sound would go directly from inside him into his fingers. 00:00:44.280 --> 00:00:47.070 align:middle line:84% You just had to find a way to bypass the brain. 00:00:47.070 --> 00:00:49.500 align:middle line:84% He just had to put some reverb on it. 00:00:49.500 --> 00:00:52.650 align:middle line:90% Reverb up all the way. 00:00:52.650 --> 00:00:54.730 align:middle line:84% By the time they kicked him to the curb 00:00:54.730 --> 00:00:57.660 align:middle line:84% he was inside the music, outside himself. 00:00:57.660 --> 00:01:00.450 align:middle line:84% He had assumed his father's omniscience. 00:01:00.450 --> 00:01:02.580 align:middle line:84% He watched himself get out of the car, 00:01:02.580 --> 00:01:05.160 align:middle line:84% check the mail, put the mail back in the mailbox, 00:01:05.160 --> 00:01:08.070 align:middle line:84% kick the chain-link gate open then closed. 00:01:08.070 --> 00:01:11.220 align:middle line:84% He heard them talking about him as he walked across the yard. 00:01:11.220 --> 00:01:12.660 align:middle line:90% They said he looked thin. 00:01:12.660 --> 00:01:14.340 align:middle line:90% They liked his new tennis shoes. 00:01:14.340 --> 00:01:17.400 align:middle line:84% They thought he looked like he was waiting for rescue. 00:01:17.400 --> 00:01:19.680 align:middle line:84% The voices, they were not his dad. 00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:23.430 align:middle line:84% They were stones dropped into the pool of his own thoughts. 00:01:23.430 --> 00:01:25.260 align:middle line:90% They were subdued today. 00:01:25.260 --> 00:01:28.020 align:middle line:84% He put a CD on to drown them out completely, 00:01:28.020 --> 00:01:31.440 align:middle line:84% but beneath the percussion, he could hear them chanting. 00:01:31.440 --> 00:01:35.730 align:middle line:84% It was ritualistic as if some evil were being warded off. 00:01:35.730 --> 00:01:37.890 align:middle line:84% He watched his hands make a sandwich. 00:01:37.890 --> 00:01:40.380 align:middle line:90% Sometimes that helped to focus. 00:01:40.380 --> 00:01:43.440 align:middle line:84% He watched the knife spread the deli mustard like paint 00:01:43.440 --> 00:01:47.400 align:middle line:84% on a brown canvas, smooth over every square millimeter 00:01:47.400 --> 00:01:48.690 align:middle line:90% of the bread. 00:01:48.690 --> 00:01:52.350 align:middle line:84% Five slices of salami, two slices of provolone, 00:01:52.350 --> 00:01:56.100 align:middle line:84% cover the salami exactly, slice the guard garlic 00:01:56.100 --> 00:01:57.300 align:middle line:90% dills lengthwise. 00:01:57.300 --> 00:01:59.100 align:middle line:90% Look how thin he gets them. 00:01:59.100 --> 00:02:01.470 align:middle line:90% Look how thin the tomato slices. 00:02:01.470 --> 00:02:04.320 align:middle line:90% Like paper, the purple onion. 00:02:04.320 --> 00:02:05.910 align:middle line:90% He could work in a deli. 00:02:05.910 --> 00:02:07.020 align:middle line:90% He could be a chef. 00:02:07.020 --> 00:02:08.610 align:middle line:90% He could turn the music up. 00:02:08.610 --> 00:02:11.700 align:middle line:90% 00:02:11.700 --> 00:02:13.500 align:middle line:90% Cover the salami exactly. 00:02:13.500 --> 00:02:15.420 align:middle line:84% Slice the garlic dills lengthwise. 00:02:15.420 --> 00:02:17.010 align:middle line:90% Look how thin he gets them. 00:02:17.010 --> 00:02:19.680 align:middle line:84% Look how thin this, the tomato slices. 00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:21.540 align:middle line:90% Like paper the purple onion. 00:02:21.540 --> 00:02:22.770 align:middle line:90% He could work in a deli. 00:02:22.770 --> 00:02:23.790 align:middle line:90% He could be a chef. 00:02:23.790 --> 00:02:26.070 align:middle line:84% He could turn the music up a little louder. 00:02:26.070 --> 00:02:29.730 align:middle line:84% He could check behind La Velvet Virgen for a camera, 00:02:29.730 --> 00:02:30.990 align:middle line:90% a two way mirror. 00:02:30.990 --> 00:02:34.470 align:middle line:84% He could go to the store and buy salt. He got in the car. 00:02:34.470 --> 00:02:37.560 align:middle line:84% He hoped the woman was not up on the next street listening. 00:02:37.560 --> 00:02:39.150 align:middle line:90% He hoped she wasn't a cop. 00:02:39.150 --> 00:02:40.890 align:middle line:84% He hoped she wouldn't follow him. 00:02:40.890 --> 00:02:44.010 align:middle line:84% He went around three blocks before driving to the store. 00:02:44.010 --> 00:02:47.160 align:middle line:84% He walked into the store and put almost every carton of salt 00:02:47.160 --> 00:02:48.330 align:middle line:90% in his basket. 00:02:48.330 --> 00:02:50.250 align:middle line:84% He pretended his shirt wasn't dirty. 00:02:50.250 --> 00:02:52.080 align:middle line:90% He kept his sunglasses on. 00:02:52.080 --> 00:02:54.180 align:middle line:84% He didn't look at the person behind him. 00:02:54.180 --> 00:02:55.710 align:middle line:90% He didn't look at the clerk. 00:02:55.710 --> 00:02:58.290 align:middle line:84% He watched his finger tap in the secret number. 00:02:58.290 --> 00:03:00.240 align:middle line:84% He put the bags of salt in the trunk. 00:03:00.240 --> 00:03:01.380 align:middle line:90% He drove home. 00:03:01.380 --> 00:03:03.900 align:middle line:84% He poured it all out, all of it, cartons of it 00:03:03.900 --> 00:03:06.990 align:middle line:84% in a smooth ring around the perimeter of the house just 00:03:06.990 --> 00:03:08.430 align:middle line:90% inside the fence. 00:03:08.430 --> 00:03:10.920 align:middle line:84% He wanted a circle of white, something 00:03:10.920 --> 00:03:14.400 align:middle line:84% that presented light and purity to surround them. 00:03:14.400 --> 00:03:17.430 align:middle line:84% Back inside, the house was dark and quiet. 00:03:17.430 --> 00:03:19.470 align:middle line:84% He could finally eat his sandwich. 00:03:19.470 --> 00:03:22.350 align:middle line:84% He took a few tokes and filled up a glass with Coke, 00:03:22.350 --> 00:03:23.820 align:middle line:90% went online. 00:03:23.820 --> 00:03:25.890 align:middle line:84% Last night he'd been halfway through mapping 00:03:25.890 --> 00:03:28.800 align:middle line:84% a room, a bar in 1940s Germany with Diego, 00:03:28.800 --> 00:03:30.660 align:middle line:90% this dude in Puerto Rico. 00:03:30.660 --> 00:03:34.260 align:middle line:84% Van liked practicing his Spanish, which reminded him. 00:03:34.260 --> 00:03:38.220 align:middle line:84% He put on Con Respecto, a cover of the Beastie Boys "Girls". 00:03:38.220 --> 00:03:39.210 align:middle line:90% Way cool. 00:03:39.210 --> 00:03:42.900 align:middle line:84% Bumping, which became knocking on the front door. 00:03:42.900 --> 00:03:45.000 align:middle line:84% When he walked out of the office to answer 00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:46.500 align:middle line:84% their standing in the living room 00:03:46.500 --> 00:03:50.670 align:middle line:84% his mom, his arm crossing, toe tapping, gum chewing mom. 00:03:50.670 --> 00:03:52.440 align:middle line:90% She was wearing scrubs. 00:03:52.440 --> 00:03:54.090 align:middle line:84% Even though she was the receptionist 00:03:54.090 --> 00:03:55.680 align:middle line:90% she had to wear scrubs. 00:03:55.680 --> 00:03:57.990 align:middle line:90% How dumb was that? 00:03:57.990 --> 00:04:00.000 align:middle line:84% She had taken time off from work. 00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:03.030 align:middle line:84% She was freaked out because he hadn't returned her calls. 00:04:03.030 --> 00:04:06.720 align:middle line:84% Now she was freaked out by the ring of salt around the house. 00:04:06.720 --> 00:04:08.250 align:middle line:90% What's that all about, Van? 00:04:08.250 --> 00:04:09.570 align:middle line:90% Ants, he said. 00:04:09.570 --> 00:04:10.590 align:middle line:90% Right. 00:04:10.590 --> 00:04:12.370 align:middle line:84% He was trying to keep his head clear, 00:04:12.370 --> 00:04:14.880 align:middle line:90% but she kept on and on and on. 00:04:14.880 --> 00:04:17.130 align:middle line:84% She wanted him to recheck into rehab. 00:04:17.130 --> 00:04:18.810 align:middle line:84% Why all those res he had wondered? 00:04:18.810 --> 00:04:21.690 align:middle line:84% Recidivism, repossessed, was re ever good. 00:04:21.690 --> 00:04:23.010 align:middle line:90% She was worried about him. 00:04:23.010 --> 00:04:24.510 align:middle line:84% Why hadn't he returned her calls? 00:04:24.510 --> 00:04:26.310 align:middle line:90% He needed to be responsible. 00:04:26.310 --> 00:04:29.430 align:middle line:84% The sound of her voice was making his anxiety spiral out 00:04:29.430 --> 00:04:32.790 align:middle line:84% of control spinning upwards from his chest to his head. 00:04:32.790 --> 00:04:35.220 align:middle line:84% Gyroscope of anxiety he called it. 00:04:35.220 --> 00:04:38.280 align:middle line:84% He tried to picture it slowing down instead of speeding up. 00:04:38.280 --> 00:04:41.070 align:middle line:84% Sometimes it worked, but not that afternoon. 00:04:41.070 --> 00:04:42.210 align:middle line:90% Wait, he told her. 00:04:42.210 --> 00:04:43.680 align:middle line:90% I think I hear Diego. 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:44.700 align:middle line:90% Here that? 00:04:44.700 --> 00:04:47.670 align:middle line:84% He went into the computer room, turned down the music. 00:04:47.670 --> 00:04:51.060 align:middle line:84% Sure enough Diego's wife scolding him in Spanish again. 00:04:51.060 --> 00:04:51.660 align:middle line:90% No. 00:04:51.660 --> 00:04:53.170 align:middle line:90% There were more than two voices. 00:04:53.170 --> 00:04:56.100 align:middle line:84% There was music, a whole Puerto Rican fiesta, 00:04:56.100 --> 00:04:58.140 align:middle line:84% complete with laughing children and the whack 00:04:58.140 --> 00:05:00.030 align:middle line:90% of the stick on a pinata. 00:05:00.030 --> 00:05:01.920 align:middle line:84% But the sound was coming from the computer 00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:03.420 align:middle line:90% instead of the headphones. 00:05:03.420 --> 00:05:05.010 align:middle line:90% Did he have it on speaker? 00:05:05.010 --> 00:05:05.700 align:middle line:90% No. 00:05:05.700 --> 00:05:06.660 align:middle line:90% He checked. 00:05:06.660 --> 00:05:08.970 align:middle line:84% Maybe it's possessed or something. 00:05:08.970 --> 00:05:11.070 align:middle line:84% His mom had a funny look on her face. 00:05:11.070 --> 00:05:13.080 align:middle line:90% Iván, she said, Iván. 00:05:13.080 --> 00:05:14.010 align:middle line:90% Softer. 00:05:14.010 --> 00:05:15.510 align:middle line:90% Her hand on his shoulder. 00:05:15.510 --> 00:05:18.870 align:middle line:84% Her voice like when they were little before his dad died, 00:05:18.870 --> 00:05:21.238 align:middle line:90% the old mom, the mom he loved. 00:05:21.238 --> 00:05:23.280 align:middle line:84% Maybe there's something wrong with the hard drive 00:05:23.280 --> 00:05:26.070 align:middle line:84% he said pulling the tower out from the wall. 00:05:26.070 --> 00:05:27.030 align:middle line:90% Level with me. 00:05:27.030 --> 00:05:28.950 align:middle line:90% Are you on drugs again? 00:05:28.950 --> 00:05:29.470 align:middle line:90% Pot. 00:05:29.470 --> 00:05:30.840 align:middle line:90% Only a little pot. 00:05:30.840 --> 00:05:32.940 align:middle line:90% He checked the connections. 00:05:32.940 --> 00:05:35.520 align:middle line:84% He was going to have to unscrew the back. 00:05:35.520 --> 00:05:38.040 align:middle line:84% I want you to start going to meetings again. 00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:39.870 align:middle line:90% Mom, I got to figure this out. 00:05:39.870 --> 00:05:42.780 align:middle line:84% Darlene will kill me if I mess up her computer. 00:05:42.780 --> 00:05:44.700 align:middle line:90% Please, you promised Isabel. 00:05:44.700 --> 00:05:45.510 align:middle line:90% Mom, he said. 00:05:45.510 --> 00:05:46.140 align:middle line:90% Chill. 00:05:46.140 --> 00:05:48.120 align:middle line:84% That's all I've been doing, going 00:05:48.120 --> 00:05:51.450 align:middle line:90% to meetings all frickin' week. 00:05:51.450 --> 00:05:54.510 align:middle line:84% Darlene came home to a ring of salt around the house 00:05:54.510 --> 00:05:57.570 align:middle line:84% and as far as she knew a fucked up hard drive. 00:05:57.570 --> 00:05:59.940 align:middle line:84% Van and his brothers, James and Jim B, 00:05:59.940 --> 00:06:02.400 align:middle line:84% two complete zeros if she'd ever met one, 00:06:02.400 --> 00:06:06.090 align:middle line:84% were sitting on the sofa watching TV and drinking Patrón 00:06:06.090 --> 00:06:08.640 align:middle line:84% as if there was nothing out of the ordinary about a ring 00:06:08.640 --> 00:06:10.950 align:middle line:90% of salt around the house. 00:06:10.950 --> 00:06:12.570 align:middle line:84% Yes, she had saved what was written 00:06:12.570 --> 00:06:16.120 align:middle line:84% of her dissertation on the server and on her flash drive, 00:06:16.120 --> 00:06:17.800 align:middle line:90% but that was not the issue. 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:19.860 align:middle line:84% The issue was that it was her computer, 00:06:19.860 --> 00:06:22.920 align:middle line:84% and according to his mother, Van had messed it up. 00:06:22.920 --> 00:06:25.333 align:middle line:84% The secondary issue, which was maybe the real issue 00:06:25.333 --> 00:06:27.000 align:middle line:84% although she wouldn't use it because she 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:30.270 align:middle line:84% didn't want to be accused of being emotional, was this. 00:06:30.270 --> 00:06:32.850 align:middle line:84% If she complained about the crash of the hard drive 00:06:32.850 --> 00:06:35.010 align:middle line:84% or the mess of the living room or even 00:06:35.010 --> 00:06:37.140 align:middle line:84% pointed out the weirdness of the salt, 00:06:37.140 --> 00:06:39.840 align:middle line:84% she would be breaking Van's balls. 00:06:39.840 --> 00:06:42.540 align:middle line:84% It was an expression James actually used. 00:06:42.540 --> 00:06:46.140 align:middle line:84% According to James, she had Van by the short hairs. 00:06:46.140 --> 00:06:47.790 align:middle line:90% Can we say dark ages? 00:06:47.790 --> 00:06:49.860 align:middle line:90% Can we say Neanderthal? 00:06:49.860 --> 00:06:53.670 align:middle line:84% They were all three staring at her waiting for the explosion. 00:06:53.670 --> 00:06:54.570 align:middle line:90% Hey babe. 00:06:54.570 --> 00:06:56.620 align:middle line:90% Van hit the mute on the remote. 00:06:56.620 --> 00:06:59.130 align:middle line:84% The silence a prelude to apology, 00:06:59.130 --> 00:07:02.310 align:middle line:84% like I told you momentary malfunction. 00:07:02.310 --> 00:07:04.050 align:middle line:90% That was an apology. 00:07:04.050 --> 00:07:06.060 align:middle line:84% She dropped her backpack on the floor 00:07:06.060 --> 00:07:09.270 align:middle line:84% and tried to shake her thick bangs out of her eyes. 00:07:09.270 --> 00:07:11.790 align:middle line:84% He patted the seat next to him on the couch. 00:07:11.790 --> 00:07:14.220 align:middle line:84% She sat down reached for his shot glass 00:07:14.220 --> 00:07:17.010 align:middle line:84% and poured some liquid heat down her throat. 00:07:17.010 --> 00:07:20.160 align:middle line:84% She pushed her hair off her sweaty forehead, narrowed 00:07:20.160 --> 00:07:21.900 align:middle line:90% her already narrow eyes. 00:07:21.900 --> 00:07:28.080 align:middle line:84% She had decided to be, as was often said of the Chinese, 00:07:28.080 --> 00:07:29.370 align:middle line:90% inscrutable. 00:07:29.370 --> 00:07:31.800 align:middle line:84% OK, she was Vietnamese, but she could 00:07:31.800 --> 00:07:34.860 align:middle line:84% adopt this technique of the ancient enemy of her ancestors 00:07:34.860 --> 00:07:36.300 align:middle line:90% if she wanted to. 00:07:36.300 --> 00:07:40.050 align:middle line:84% She could also practice absolute silence. 00:07:40.050 --> 00:07:42.420 align:middle line:84% Silence and feigned deafness, forms 00:07:42.420 --> 00:07:44.550 align:middle line:84% of resistance to assimilation practiced 00:07:44.550 --> 00:07:46.740 align:middle line:84% by certain tribes of Native Americans 00:07:46.740 --> 00:07:49.530 align:middle line:84% could also be, she knew from her two long years 00:07:49.530 --> 00:07:52.260 align:middle line:84% as a graduate student, effective tactics 00:07:52.260 --> 00:07:54.570 align:middle line:84% for dealing with those who would colonize you, 00:07:54.570 --> 00:07:57.060 align:middle line:90% even if only metaphorically. 00:07:57.060 --> 00:07:59.940 align:middle line:84% Maybe she could make James and Jim B so 00:07:59.940 --> 00:08:02.880 align:middle line:90% uncomfortable they would leave. 00:08:02.880 --> 00:08:05.100 align:middle line:90% Hey babe, Van said again. 00:08:05.100 --> 00:08:06.660 align:middle line:90% Still she said nothing. 00:08:06.660 --> 00:08:09.420 align:middle line:84% Felt his hand fall heavily on her thigh. 00:08:09.420 --> 00:08:11.670 align:middle line:84% His long fingers close to her crotch. 00:08:11.670 --> 00:08:14.760 align:middle line:84% The gesture in front of his friends proprietary. 00:08:14.760 --> 00:08:16.170 align:middle line:90% She crossed her leg. 00:08:16.170 --> 00:08:17.640 align:middle line:90% He moved his hand. 00:08:17.640 --> 00:08:18.930 align:middle line:90% How was your class? 00:08:18.930 --> 00:08:19.920 align:middle line:90% She shrugged. 00:08:19.920 --> 00:08:21.810 align:middle line:90% She was waiting. 00:08:21.810 --> 00:08:25.230 align:middle line:84% Van liked feeling the heat of her body next to his even 00:08:25.230 --> 00:08:26.550 align:middle line:90% though it was a summer day. 00:08:26.550 --> 00:08:28.230 align:middle line:84% Wherever the edge of her body pressed 00:08:28.230 --> 00:08:31.500 align:middle line:84% into his an infusion of calm began to outline him 00:08:31.500 --> 00:08:33.570 align:middle line:90% as if with a silver marker. 00:08:33.570 --> 00:08:36.570 align:middle line:84% All along his edges like a shield of light 00:08:36.570 --> 00:08:39.809 align:middle line:84% as if her energy could contain his. 00:08:39.809 --> 00:08:41.880 align:middle line:84% He looked at the remote in his hand. 00:08:41.880 --> 00:08:44.490 align:middle line:84% You guys want to see the rest of this? 00:08:44.490 --> 00:08:45.900 align:middle line:90% Darlene stirred. 00:08:45.900 --> 00:08:49.170 align:middle line:84% James held up his hand in the shape of a phone receiver, 00:08:49.170 --> 00:08:51.090 align:middle line:90% mouthed call me. 00:08:51.090 --> 00:08:54.300 align:middle line:84% Jim B, echo of James, did the same. 00:08:54.300 --> 00:08:57.350 align:middle line:90% Pronto tonto, he said.