WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.140 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.140 --> 00:00:04.350 align:middle line:84% "James and Jim B picked Van up as promised. 00:00:04.350 --> 00:00:07.500 align:middle line:84% They'd been going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings for days, 00:00:07.500 --> 00:00:11.370 align:middle line:84% hoping to run into the legendary Gato so they could network. 00:00:11.370 --> 00:00:15.600 align:middle line:84% And all because James had heard Gato was attending them daily. 00:00:15.600 --> 00:00:17.790 align:middle line:84% Word was he'd been seen in more than one, 00:00:17.790 --> 00:00:20.430 align:middle line:84% per some kind of court order maybe. 00:00:20.430 --> 00:00:23.250 align:middle line:84% Jim B knew all about court orders. 00:00:23.250 --> 00:00:25.380 align:middle line:84% 'It is on the streets,' James said. 00:00:25.380 --> 00:00:28.470 align:middle line:84% As he pulled into the parking lot of Health Services South. 00:00:28.470 --> 00:00:31.650 align:middle line:90% 'He has dope from Afghanistan.' 00:00:31.650 --> 00:00:33.030 align:middle line:90% 'You sure the dude exists?' 00:00:33.030 --> 00:00:33.960 align:middle line:90% Van asked. 00:00:33.960 --> 00:00:37.280 align:middle line:84% He was picking at a glob of egg yolk on his T-shirt. 00:00:37.280 --> 00:00:39.960 align:middle line:84% 'Damn.' He pulled down the visor. 00:00:39.960 --> 00:00:42.330 align:middle line:84% Had he really forgotten to wash his face? 00:00:42.330 --> 00:00:45.090 align:middle line:84% He rubbed his hand over the stubble on his chin 00:00:45.090 --> 00:00:46.320 align:middle line:90% then on his head. 00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:48.090 align:middle line:90% Rubbed the sleep from his eyes. 00:00:48.090 --> 00:00:51.840 align:middle line:84% 'Oh well.' He guessed he looked the part. 00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:54.900 align:middle line:84% Jim B opened the door and unfolded himself. 00:00:54.900 --> 00:00:58.620 align:middle line:84% His hair hung like a long black snake down his back, 00:00:58.620 --> 00:01:01.200 align:middle line:84% making him seem completely vertical. 00:01:01.200 --> 00:01:04.980 align:middle line:84% Only his face up top the stick of his body was round. 00:01:04.980 --> 00:01:08.820 align:middle line:84% Maybe his nickname should have been lollipop, Van thought. 00:01:08.820 --> 00:01:11.940 align:middle line:84% But Jim B it had been since kindergarten. 00:01:11.940 --> 00:01:16.860 align:middle line:84% In fact, kindergarten was where Iván had become Van and Isabel, 00:01:16.860 --> 00:01:21.990 align:middle line:84% Z. Only James had escaped with his name intact. 00:01:21.990 --> 00:01:25.050 align:middle line:84% 'War has opened up all kinds of new markets,' James repeated 00:01:25.050 --> 00:01:26.700 align:middle line:90% for the umpteenth time. 00:01:26.700 --> 00:01:28.530 align:middle line:84% He scrunched his spiky blond hair 00:01:28.530 --> 00:01:31.153 align:middle line:84% and checked his teeth in the rearview. 00:01:31.153 --> 00:01:32.820 align:middle line:84% 'You going for the less-than-zero look?' 00:01:32.820 --> 00:01:34.410 align:middle line:90% Van asked him. 00:01:34.410 --> 00:01:35.790 align:middle line:90% James ignored him. 00:01:35.790 --> 00:01:37.380 align:middle line:90% 'Pipeline through Europe. 00:01:37.380 --> 00:01:41.010 align:middle line:84% We can get in on the ground floor, I'm telling you.' 00:01:41.010 --> 00:01:43.470 align:middle line:84% 'Military is bringing it in,' Jim B said. 00:01:43.470 --> 00:01:47.160 align:middle line:84% 'Wanna bet?' Cool as a cucumber, Van thought. 00:01:47.160 --> 00:01:51.360 align:middle line:84% Jim B was his vote for most likely to succeed. 00:01:51.360 --> 00:01:55.530 align:middle line:84% 'Dudes are dropping like flies in Norway,' James said. 00:01:55.530 --> 00:01:57.600 align:middle line:84% He was tired of selling bundles along 00:01:57.600 --> 00:02:00.600 align:middle line:84% with home-burned CDs out of the trunk of his car. 00:02:00.600 --> 00:02:03.030 align:middle line:84% He had wanted one thing his whole life, 00:02:03.030 --> 00:02:06.030 align:middle line:90% to be a drug dealer, big time. 00:02:06.030 --> 00:02:07.740 align:middle line:84% Figured he could launder the money 00:02:07.740 --> 00:02:10.270 align:middle line:84% by investing in the stock market. 00:02:10.270 --> 00:02:12.870 align:middle line:84% So what the market was a little iffy now? 00:02:12.870 --> 00:02:14.190 align:middle line:90% What wasn't? 00:02:14.190 --> 00:02:16.080 align:middle line:84% But who, come to think of it, had ever 00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:18.180 align:middle line:90% heard of a drug bubble? 00:02:18.180 --> 00:02:21.300 align:middle line:84% The war had created his window of opportunity 00:02:21.300 --> 00:02:25.320 align:middle line:84% and Gato was the man who could open it. 00:02:25.320 --> 00:02:27.390 align:middle line:84% Once inside the dim room, Van felt 00:02:27.390 --> 00:02:30.060 align:middle line:84% like he had entered the limbo of eternal meetings. 00:02:30.060 --> 00:02:31.800 align:middle line:90% What circle of hell? 00:02:31.800 --> 00:02:33.360 align:middle line:84% He guessed Darlene could tell him 00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:35.370 align:middle line:90% if he remembered to ask her. 00:02:35.370 --> 00:02:38.640 align:middle line:84% Another day of stained acoustic tiles on the ceiling. 00:02:38.640 --> 00:02:40.950 align:middle line:84% Another day of sitting in a circle with a cup 00:02:40.950 --> 00:02:42.300 align:middle line:90% of burnt coffee in his hands. 00:02:42.300 --> 00:02:44.910 align:middle line:90% 00:02:44.910 --> 00:02:47.940 align:middle line:84% Another day of, Hi, I'm Van and I'm a fill in the blank. 00:02:47.940 --> 00:02:50.220 align:middle line:90% Yes, that's who I am, all I am. 00:02:50.220 --> 00:02:53.460 align:middle line:84% Whatever addiction I've decided to adopt for the day, heroin 00:02:53.460 --> 00:02:55.920 align:middle line:84% addict, crack addict, meth addict, coke addict, sex 00:02:55.920 --> 00:02:58.140 align:middle line:84% addict, alcohol addict, pot addict. 00:02:58.140 --> 00:03:01.620 align:middle line:84% Defined by substance, by desire, by downfall, 00:03:01.620 --> 00:03:04.620 align:middle line:84% by whatever comes before the hyphen, kind 00:03:04.620 --> 00:03:07.380 align:middle line:84% of like being Mexican-American, he thought ruefully. 00:03:07.380 --> 00:03:10.530 align:middle line:84% Defined by something you could not control. 00:03:10.530 --> 00:03:13.530 align:middle line:84% Or like being a depressive, a schizophrenic, 00:03:13.530 --> 00:03:18.180 align:middle line:84% a suicide defined by disease, by flaw, by brain chemistry, 00:03:18.180 --> 00:03:20.800 align:middle line:90% by the misfiring of neurons. 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:23.580 align:middle line:84% So today, no different than any other day, 00:03:23.580 --> 00:03:26.130 align:middle line:84% he was sitting in a circle of losers. 00:03:26.130 --> 00:03:30.000 align:middle line:84% Skinny girl in fake leopard skin, Mexican couple-- 00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:33.240 align:middle line:84% dude looked mean-- some kid picking 00:03:33.240 --> 00:03:35.130 align:middle line:90% at the scabs on his arms. 00:03:35.130 --> 00:03:38.800 align:middle line:84% These people were genuinely pathetic. 00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:39.300 align:middle line:90% 'Hi. 00:03:39.300 --> 00:03:43.200 align:middle line:84% My name is Jim,' Jim B said. 'And I'm a junkie.' 00:03:43.200 --> 00:03:44.880 align:middle line:84% That, Van knew, was the most he would 00:03:44.880 --> 00:03:46.290 align:middle line:90% say for the whole session. 00:03:46.290 --> 00:03:48.330 align:middle line:84% He and Jim B used to argue over who 00:03:48.330 --> 00:03:51.030 align:middle line:84% got to be the junkie because, as everyone knew, 00:03:51.030 --> 00:03:53.790 align:middle line:84% junkies were tortured and mostly silent. 00:03:53.790 --> 00:03:55.860 align:middle line:84% Didn't require as much acting as, 00:03:55.860 --> 00:03:58.980 align:middle line:84% say, being a coke addict or a sex addict. 00:03:58.980 --> 00:04:01.440 align:middle line:84% James liked the flashier roles, of course. 00:04:01.440 --> 00:04:05.310 align:middle line:84% But by now, the novelty had worn off even for him. 00:04:05.310 --> 00:04:06.210 align:middle line:90% 'Can I tell you?' 00:04:06.210 --> 00:04:10.050 align:middle line:84% Van whispered, looking down at the bitter dregs in his cup. 00:04:10.050 --> 00:04:11.730 align:middle line:90% 'How much I hate this? 00:04:11.730 --> 00:04:14.280 align:middle line:90% Hate, hate, hate, hate, this?' 00:04:14.280 --> 00:04:16.019 align:middle line:84% James motioned with his head towards 00:04:16.019 --> 00:04:18.630 align:middle line:84% the Mexican, squashed nose like a fighter's, 00:04:18.630 --> 00:04:21.060 align:middle line:90% all flat against his face. 00:04:21.060 --> 00:04:22.830 align:middle line:90% Van shook his head no. 00:04:22.830 --> 00:04:25.900 align:middle line:90% Name would be Chato, not Gato. 00:04:25.900 --> 00:04:27.990 align:middle line:90% Jim B, with his eyes, laughed. 00:04:27.990 --> 00:04:29.580 align:middle line:90% 'Zip it,' James said. 00:04:29.580 --> 00:04:32.910 align:middle line:84% 'Zip it.' Dude was giving them the evil eye, 00:04:32.910 --> 00:04:34.500 align:middle line:90% as was his old lady. 00:04:34.500 --> 00:04:38.220 align:middle line:84% She was at least as old as Van's mother, wrapped in a pink yarn 00:04:38.220 --> 00:04:40.980 align:middle line:84% sweater, probably had pictures of the kids 00:04:40.980 --> 00:04:43.890 align:middle line:84% maybe grandkids too in her wallet. 00:04:43.890 --> 00:04:47.790 align:middle line:84% 'Fuck,' Van thought, as if it were an entirely novel insight, 00:04:47.790 --> 00:04:50.730 align:middle line:84% when, in fact, he had it every time he attended a meeting. 00:04:50.730 --> 00:04:53.550 align:middle line:90% This could be my life. 00:04:53.550 --> 00:04:54.360 align:middle line:90% James. 00:04:54.360 --> 00:04:57.870 align:middle line:84% How to explain the things Van did for James, the deep shit 00:04:57.870 --> 00:05:01.015 align:middle line:84% he got himself into for James and Jim B, 00:05:01.015 --> 00:05:02.890 align:middle line:84% except, of course, that they were the closest 00:05:02.890 --> 00:05:04.210 align:middle line:90% things he had to brothers. 00:05:04.210 --> 00:05:04.990 align:middle line:90% Went back. 00:05:04.990 --> 00:05:05.740 align:middle line:90% Way back. 00:05:05.740 --> 00:05:08.320 align:middle line:84% All the way to Mrs. Stukey's kindergarten. 00:05:08.320 --> 00:05:11.530 align:middle line:84% When Van first saved James from the bullies, a pattern that 00:05:11.530 --> 00:05:14.200 align:middle line:84% would continue through senior year of high school, 00:05:14.200 --> 00:05:16.720 align:middle line:84% James' big mouth and the only antidotes, 00:05:16.720 --> 00:05:19.990 align:middle line:84% Van's quick jokes and Jim B's silence. 00:05:19.990 --> 00:05:23.530 align:middle line:84% Jim B, the backup man, because no one could ever figure out 00:05:23.530 --> 00:05:28.240 align:middle line:84% what he was thinking, which, therefore, made him dangerous. 00:05:28.240 --> 00:05:30.370 align:middle line:84% Loyalty had brought him to this meeting. 00:05:30.370 --> 00:05:31.240 align:middle line:90% Loyalty. 00:05:31.240 --> 00:05:33.880 align:middle line:84% It was the kind of thing a woman didn't understand, 00:05:33.880 --> 00:05:36.850 align:middle line:84% not his mom, not Z, not even Darlene 00:05:36.850 --> 00:05:39.010 align:middle line:84% who claimed that differences between the genders 00:05:39.010 --> 00:05:41.380 align:middle line:84% were arbitrarily created by the culture 00:05:41.380 --> 00:05:44.860 align:middle line:84% to reinforce patriarchal power structures. 00:05:44.860 --> 00:05:47.020 align:middle line:84% 'You had to accept that premise,' she said, 00:05:47.020 --> 00:05:49.780 align:middle line:84% 'before, you could argue that things had changed, 00:05:49.780 --> 00:05:51.400 align:middle line:90% which they had,' she said. 00:05:51.400 --> 00:05:55.240 align:middle line:84% 'Thank God.' For instance, it is perfectly acceptable in this 00:05:55.240 --> 00:05:58.480 align:middle line:84% relationship that I am the smarter and more powerful 00:05:58.480 --> 00:05:59.560 align:middle line:90% partner. 00:05:59.560 --> 00:06:01.700 align:middle line:84% Although weaker physically, which is due, 00:06:01.700 --> 00:06:03.730 align:middle line:84% we both know, as much to the fact 00:06:03.730 --> 00:06:05.920 align:middle line:90% of my being Asian as female. 00:06:05.920 --> 00:06:08.320 align:middle line:90% While you are merely sexy. 00:06:08.320 --> 00:06:10.930 align:middle line:84% She pinched his nipples for punctuation. 00:06:10.930 --> 00:06:13.240 align:middle line:84% She stuck out her tongue with its round silver 00:06:13.240 --> 00:06:16.870 align:middle line:84% stud and waggled it as a promise of more to come. 00:06:16.870 --> 00:06:18.520 align:middle line:90% It made him dizzy. 00:06:18.520 --> 00:06:20.560 align:middle line:84% He always spoke in complete paragraphs-- 00:06:20.560 --> 00:06:23.530 align:middle line:84% she always spoke in complete paragraphs while they had sex. 00:06:23.530 --> 00:06:26.410 align:middle line:84% 'Because,' she claimed, 'it disconnected his mind from his 00:06:26.410 --> 00:06:30.490 align:middle line:84% body and so made his erection last longer.' 00:06:30.490 --> 00:06:32.800 align:middle line:84% 'Just let me do a little smack, baby. 00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:34.930 align:middle line:90% I'd be hard all night long.' 00:06:34.930 --> 00:06:37.180 align:middle line:84% He sometimes said things like that like he 00:06:37.180 --> 00:06:40.300 align:middle line:84% was some old school junkie because it made her laugh. 00:06:40.300 --> 00:06:42.460 align:middle line:84% Mind disconnected from body weird. 00:06:42.460 --> 00:06:43.960 align:middle line:90% That words could do that. 00:06:43.960 --> 00:06:48.130 align:middle line:84% Float into your head, thoughts you weren't even thinking, 00:06:48.130 --> 00:06:51.310 align:middle line:84% sometimes in languages you didn't even understand. 00:06:51.310 --> 00:06:53.620 align:middle line:90% È occupato questo posto? 00:06:53.620 --> 00:06:58.030 align:middle line:84% Or epileptic seizures were often mistaken for ecstatic visions 00:06:58.030 --> 00:07:00.610 align:middle line:84% then you think, where the hell did that come from? 00:07:00.610 --> 00:07:02.710 align:middle line:90% Some errant radio waves? 00:07:02.710 --> 00:07:05.260 align:middle line:84% But sometimes the voice would be as clear 00:07:05.260 --> 00:07:08.060 align:middle line:84% as if someone uttered it right next to your ear. 00:07:08.060 --> 00:07:10.840 align:middle line:84% And so you would zoom into this other reality. 00:07:10.840 --> 00:07:13.090 align:middle line:84% For sure it was one reason you did drugs, 00:07:13.090 --> 00:07:16.720 align:middle line:84% to leave the here and now, temporary respite, 00:07:16.720 --> 00:07:19.990 align:middle line:84% especially when the now included, as it did just now, 00:07:19.990 --> 00:07:22.030 align:middle line:84% the Chato man jumping up from his chair 00:07:22.030 --> 00:07:24.730 align:middle line:84% so fast you'd think his balls were on fire. 00:07:24.730 --> 00:07:26.920 align:middle line:84% Crazy vato had a knife, Van thought. 00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:28.540 align:middle line:90% I could be dead. 00:07:28.540 --> 00:07:31.120 align:middle line:84% 'Pay attention,' the voice in his head said. 00:07:31.120 --> 00:07:32.410 align:middle line:90% 'Attention, please! 00:07:32.410 --> 00:07:35.050 align:middle line:84% Just like the time the dudes with the Uzis 00:07:35.050 --> 00:07:36.880 align:middle line:90% burst into the Price Club. 00:07:36.880 --> 00:07:37.750 align:middle line:90% Attention! 00:07:37.750 --> 00:07:39.970 align:middle line:90% Cuidado!' Right in his ear. 00:07:39.970 --> 00:07:42.700 align:middle line:84% And then he felt something or someone push him down 00:07:42.700 --> 00:07:46.660 align:middle line:84% so he was lying on the floor next to the stacks of dog food. 00:07:46.660 --> 00:07:50.920 align:middle line:84% Who knew you could get intimate with bags of Purina so fast? 00:07:50.920 --> 00:07:53.650 align:middle line:84% But of course, Gato never materialized, 00:07:53.650 --> 00:07:55.220 align:middle line:90% not at that meeting. 00:07:55.220 --> 00:07:57.370 align:middle line:84% And so Van had to confess his sins 00:07:57.370 --> 00:08:01.120 align:middle line:84% again, seek absolution from the downfallen who would not 00:08:01.120 --> 00:08:03.820 align:middle line:84% dare cast a stone because they too 00:08:03.820 --> 00:08:07.120 align:middle line:84% had got so shit faced as to do the irrevocable. 00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:09.310 align:middle line:84% But what, Van sometimes wondered, 00:08:09.310 --> 00:08:11.560 align:middle line:90% what precisely was his sin? 00:08:11.560 --> 00:08:14.170 align:middle line:84% Being out cold when his dad had crashed the car 00:08:14.170 --> 00:08:16.220 align:middle line:90% into a telephone pole? 00:08:16.220 --> 00:08:18.430 align:middle line:84% The sin therefore not so much the drinking 00:08:18.430 --> 00:08:21.160 align:middle line:84% of the tequila at his uncle's bachelor's party 00:08:21.160 --> 00:08:23.140 align:middle line:84% as the not being conscious, not being 00:08:23.140 --> 00:08:27.310 align:middle line:84% able to hold his father in his last moments in life. 00:08:27.310 --> 00:08:29.590 align:middle line:90% 'Your sin,' Z pointed out. 00:08:29.590 --> 00:08:32.590 align:middle line:84% Z, who brandished truth like a sword. 00:08:32.590 --> 00:08:35.980 align:middle line:84% 'Your sin is that you are not sober because had you 00:08:35.980 --> 00:08:37.990 align:middle line:84% been sober, you would have driven 00:08:37.990 --> 00:08:41.169 align:middle line:84% and therefore, it would not have been dad's last moment. 00:08:41.169 --> 00:08:44.830 align:middle line:84% And your consciousness, or lack thereof, would be a moot point, 00:08:44.830 --> 00:08:46.510 align:middle line:90% no?' 00:08:46.510 --> 00:08:48.610 align:middle line:90% Van put his head in his hands. 00:08:48.610 --> 00:08:51.010 align:middle line:84% So like Izzy to look not at what happened 00:08:51.010 --> 00:08:54.310 align:middle line:84% but at what could have happened, to unravel time 00:08:54.310 --> 00:08:56.320 align:middle line:84% so that his sin was one of commission 00:08:56.320 --> 00:08:58.570 align:middle line:90% rather than omission. 00:08:58.570 --> 00:09:00.850 align:middle line:90% Oh, when would Gato appear? 00:09:00.850 --> 00:09:03.850 align:middle line:84% Van felt as if he were waiting for the Second Coming, 00:09:03.850 --> 00:09:06.330 align:middle line:90% Gato as savior." 00:09:06.330 --> 00:09:07.000 align:middle line:90%