Hi there.
Tonight, which is actually this afternoon,
we are pleased to have Craig Dworkin and Kenneth Goldsmith
reading, and I just wanted to let people know one thing.
I was just talking to someone who
didn't realize that the building across on the other side
of the breezeway is, in fact, the Poetry Center.
People who have been to the Poetry Center
before know of us in some old bungalows
that were falling down, with books
on the shelves like a personal library
and most of the collection in storage.
This, in fact, is the new Poetry Center.
We moved in last fall, and if you haven't already
been over there, please go over and check it out.
We're very excited to be in this space.
I think we're just about past the thinking
that the university is going to come over
and say, oh, I'm sorry.
This wasn't for poetry at all.
[LAUGHTER]
And there is a Vispo exhibition, tucked into nooks and crannies
and corners over there.
All of the poets' books and some broadsides, chapbooks
are on display.
There's also a collection of books.
The Poetry Center is-- foremost, our reason for being
is that we're a contemporary archive of poetry,
so we have 65,000 books on the shelves for your use,
completely free and open to the public.
There's also a rare book room with rare books on display
upstairs, and there are librarians across the way
eager to show you any of those things.
So welcome to the Poetry Center.
I apologize for not making that clear before.
Yeah.
[APPLAUSE]
Woo!
[APPLAUSE]
Now, Craig Dworkin, monishus.org/dworkin-patmore,
ubu.com/papers/all/dworkin, epc.buffalo.edu/
authors/andrewsabout, ubu.com/contemp/dworkin,
english.utah.edu /eclipse/editordworkinlegion2,
ubu.com/concept, ubu.com/papers0kerning.
"One, my point is not that language poetry has had no role
in building or dismantling certain careers,
but rather that the sense of language poetry,
as institutionally successful or a tool in the career
building of professors, is like saying
that Coventry Patmore has been assimilated by the academy
and converted into cultural capital.
Two, making a more comprehensive section of the poetic record
available, the scholarly consideration
is imperative at a moment when the literary history
of the last few decades is just now beginning
to be written and contested.
Three, the language of these poems
is motivated along multiple, but unprivileged axes.
Language, in these poems, idles the gears grating.
L-A-U-T-G-E-D-I-C-H-T, L-A-U-T-G-E-D-I-C-H-T,
L-A-U-T-G-E-D-I-C-H-T. Five, although the 1942 inventory has
been widely discredited and is no longer published,
distributed, or supported, the corporation that licenses
the exam feels that "Legion" violates copyright.
On the contrary, "Legion" is almost certainly
a fair use of its source text, as protected by Title 17
107 the United States Code.
However, it has been removed from this site as a courtesy.
Six, the new forms and structures
of conceptual writing recall a sense
of artifice, constraint, and perversity that the sonnet,
too, must once have had.
Seven, one should always remember Benjamin's warning.
"Never trust what writers say about their own writing."
Please welcome Craig Dworkin.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you, again.
I'm going to read, first off, from a book that I
think may set the record for the longest production in history.
The publisher has had my final proof text since 2003.
[LAUGHTER]
And I just heard that it is--
[LAUGHTER]
--at the binders, I was told just yesterday.
This is a book Kenny alluded to.
It's a 19th century grammar book, called How to Parse.
I'm just going to read the end of one section.
Conjunction of corrective disagreement.
Singular Dick promoted noun third person singular
transitive present tense indicative verb
adverb of delicate squeamishness period.
Plural first person subjective case pronoun
in the sweep of rural domain transitive first person plural
indicative mood present tense verb
meant to mask brute power behind decorous sentiment.
Relative pronoun first person pronoun
in the pleural of subjective colonization
transitive first person plural for preposition
of the infinitive and transitive infinitive taken together
as a direct object in transitive third person singular
present tense verb marks of quotation.
Second person singular subjective case pronoun
second person singular transitive indicative mood
present tense for adverb used as direct object period
marks of quotation.
Adverbial conjunction of logical dress marks of quotation.
Second person pronoun relative pronoun second person verb
adverb marks of quotation understood
as a subject third person singular president's verb
of censure adjective period.
Adverb comma adverb drawing breath to sustain some bombast
indefinite article nouns in a preposition noun
very elevated in the Judeo-Christian ethos
to moral parentheses noun parenthesis.
Cardinal Arabic numeral parenthesis
conjunction marks of quotation second person
singular subjective case pronoun second person singular
present tense verb adverb marks of quotation.
Parentheses comma plural first person
subjective case pronoun distributing blame
across an aggregate collective subject active present complete
first person plural post flap Syrian verb adverbial
preposition indefinite article elegiac noun generative
preposition verbal noun definite article noun adverb colon
m-dash.
There's a good part coming up.
[LAUGHTER]
Parenthesis cardinal Arabic numeral parenthesis
marks of quotation third person singular neutral pronoun
antecedent to the displaced relative pronoun with all
the horror of scrutiny returned due to the subsequently
botched attempt to distract from the grammatical
prestidigitation.
Third person singular intransitive verb second person
pronoun displaced relative pronoun doubly transposed
incorrectly conjugation confused by false analogy verb adverb
period.
To the [INAUDIBLE] sentence marks of quotation conjunction
of unimpeachable correction comma locative preposition
verbal noun used as an adverbial phrase
parenthesis cardinal Arabic numeral parentheses.
Come a definite article totalitarian adjective
noun verb ordinal
of Anmin's complaint comma preposition
of the infinitive transitive infinitive verb
relative pronoun marks of quotation
now marks of quotation verb comma adverb
noun taken as an adverbial phrase passive
participle split from spur verb by [? infamous ?]
qualification.
Adverb marks of quotation noun semicolon mask quotation
ordinal of exasperation comma relative pronoun
indefinite article noun passive verbal pairing adverbial
preposition marks limitation pronoun pronoun verb
adverb verb pronoun semicolon.
Marks of quotation ordinal of pain tribulation
comma relative pronoun marks of quotation noun
marks of quotation verb definite article
noun general preposition marks of quotation noun comma
marks of quotation copulative conjunction
foreboding the further flushing of the tail end of the stay
out of [INAUDIBLE] paragraph.
Noun generated preposition marks of quotation noun period.
Marks of quotation definite article
adjective verbal noun and transitive verb preposition
m-dash.
It's now the good part.
Parentheses cardinal Arabic numeral parenthesis
marks of quotation pronoun verb pronoun pronoun pronoun verb
adverb comma marks of quotation alphabetic letter used
as the abbreviation of a Latin third person singular pronoun
period.
Alphabetic letter used the abbreviation
of a Latin singular present tense verb period.
In exacting clarification comma marks of quotation
pronoun pronoun pronoun verb adverb
for pronoun period marks of quotation.
Preparatory subject already intimated the exhausted author
be exempted from the task of further arduous labor.
Modal auxiliary further exculpatory sequestering
transitive verb of hedging distance now for so far slipped
from the true subject that the alibied author cannot but be
excused for being too innervated to carry out yet another full
analysis.
Draw of adverbial vertebral catastrophic dromedary
and failure preposition of the infinitive infinitive
verb of halfheartedly risk with broad brush
partial actual preposition m-dash.
Parentheses cardinal Arabic numeral parentheses
marks of quotation pronoun verb adverb pronoun pronoun pronoun
verb period.
Marks of quotation parenthesis cardinal
Arabic numeral parentheses marks of quotation
pronoun verb adverb pronoun pronoun pronoun verb adjective
noun period.
Marks of quotation pronoun verb adverb pronoun pronoun pronoun
verb adjective noun period marks of quotation.
And another 300 pages.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I hereby certify that the above poem is my original work,
and that all rights to this poem are mine.
I'm entering this poem as an honest and true effort
of my personal creativity and unique artistic vision,
and understand that it will be published
on the internet as my original work and under my own copyright
by the International Library of Poetry, poetry.com.
The community of poets who use this form for self-expression
will also be able to view and share
my poem always as my original work
and under my own copyright in the various ways described
on this website.
I'm going to read a little bit from a piece that was published
in the great conceptual publishing project, which
is some of you people should think
of which-- it was Kenny's call to publish the unpublishable.
So obviously, contradictory in the end.
But a piece that simply came too late
to be published any other way.
These are simply a week's worth of subject lines from my spam
folder.
A story of bereft cancer fanciful sabbatical pragmatist
bop topology.
Cavernous vicar pit drapery carrot bagel butterball
Dalhousie aesthete blue bill corpse or acoustic.
Buxton crotch inveterate transvestite lash trash
impermissible protoplasmic pile barrier beaut reach barefoot
record goose tiptoe neologism arid edgewise else Cambrian
neuropathology Arroyo intents exuberant cashmere dome drop
derivative descendant desk mares wayeth huh.
Astigmatic Copernican glycerin certificate Hollywood
the total regal.
Supine rang bilingual Lackey wrinkle Embarcadero
Argonaut oases.
Patriarchy parquet mycology paranormal writs affront Cooney
demurred.
Fabian defy tool amp enzyme Elgin
cleanse chromatic vandal ball totem
to beat her arrogant addend colossal broth.
Dissension diagram cubbyhole harangue idiopathic Mennonite
adventure its secretive Yamaka Harkin elusive bongo break down
parasitic grille work wholesale Pelican hardware.
Bostonian doctorly ought anthropomorphic
testicle toggle.
Iconic cadaver haggle artificial salivate photo Ptolemy splurge.
Geophysical passive it void irresolvable corset
swivel de colomy nuclei tin tide Nairobi client brontosaurus
Jersey.
Agrarian gold berry Bellamy bowl patchwork indie
adage dilatory paymaster rainbow reformatory.
Paradigmatic anus shrivel sacrosanct Bible cider Bonnie
brassy tatty lass sickness exude.
Deemphasize fruitful asthma scuff land Mark Elder
acquit nouveau balloon dune mesh judiciary trinket.
Soviet cargo skunk dupitable cap cobble bobbin oyster exposure.
Odometer blob light face bedfast stadium hiatus spiritual Brazil
swizzle baso polyglot prototype Lizzie fatcat Missoula Doria
Timberland amaranth Cantor contingent bushy beach
comb concern khaki Socratic.
Silent Keno candlewick respect Barrymore drugstore clothes
horse concurrent.
Real Spiegel site Glade slum characteristic goal
size six gun.
Decadent candela setback doctrinal alpine action melodic
rueful argue glue.
Alamo digestion legend alabaster nut hatch data
fallen blasphemy go-cycle dynamic razzle
tuttle caliph chump lore Lahore inhabit
lose Connor Eden admonish nib calcify cottony domicile doll
verbosity rev. That's enough of that.
Once in a while, I think of things too bad to talk about.
Bad words, often terrible words, come into my mind.
And I cannot get rid of them.
I'm bothered by acid stomach several times a week.
I'm likely not to speak to people until they speak to me.
Often, I cross the street in order not to meet someone else.
I'm often sorry because I'm so cross and grouchy.
I can't understand why I've been so cross and grouchy.
I frequently ask people for advice.
I'm liked by most people who knew me.
I commonly wonder what hidden reason another person
may have for doing something nice for me.
I believe in the second coming of Christ.
I find it hard to keep my mind on the task or a job.
I'm not afraid of mice.
I'm not unusually self-conscious.
I used to keep a diary.
I cannot understand what I read as well as I used to.
My daily life is full of things that keep me interested.
At times, it has been impossible for me to keep from stealing
or shoplifting something.
I don't blame anyone for trying to grab everything he
can to get ahead in this world.
I'd rather win than lose in a game.
Sometimes, I'm strongly attracted
by other's personal effects--
shoes, gloves, et cetera, so that I
want to handle or steal them even
though I have no use for them.
I've been disappointed in love.
I have no dread of going into a room by myself,
where other people have already gathered and are talking.
My family does not like the work I have chosen
or the work I intend to choose from my life work.
I'm more sensitive than most people.
At times, I hear so well it bothers me.
I have no fear of water.
I have periods in which I feel unusually cheerful
without any special reason.
At times, I feel that I can make up my mind
with unusually great ease.
I'm afraid of using a knife or anything very sharp or pointed.
My feelings are not easily hurt.
I've not lived right kind of life.
Dirt frightens or disgusts me.
Safer to trust nobody.
At parties, I'm more likely to sit
by myself or with just one other person than to join in
with the crowd.
I must admit that I have, at times, been
worried beyond reason over something
that really did not matter.
I worry over money in business.
When someone does me wrong, I feel
I should pay him back, if I can, just
for the principle of the thing.
People say insulting and vulgar things about me.
I'm against giving money to beggars.
I readily become 100% sold on a good idea.
I'm very careful about my manner of dress.
I would like to be a soldier.
At times, I feel like picking a fistfight with someone.
I'd like to be a journalist.
My memory seems to be all right.
I frequently have to fight against showing
that I'm bashful.
My hardest battles are with myself.
At times, I feel like smashing things.
I have very few headaches.
It's all right to get around the law,
if you don't actually break it.
When I leave home, I do not worry about
whether the door is locked and the windows closed.
I like repairing a door latch.
At times, I have the strong urge to do
something harmful or shocking.
I would like to wear expensive clothes.
Someone has been trying to rob me.
There are persons who are trying to steal my thoughts and ideas.
All right.
That goes on, too, but you get the idea.
And as Frances said, the company that administers the copyright
to the true/false questions of the Minnesota Multiphasic
Personality Inventory felt that I was stealing their thoughts
and ideas, and began the process of suing me over this.
So, I took it down as a courtesy in part
because I wasn't sleeping, and thought I really
didn't want to add any stress.
But it let me write a truly now confessional, expressive poem.
In fact, this is the most confessional poem
that I think I could write.
True.
Yes, bouy, oreoli, eutrapelia.
No.
Probably not.
No, no, no, no.
Yes.
Don't know.
False.
Certainly not.
No.
True.
False.
No, never.
No.
Yes.
No.
Not really.
Sure.
No.
Isn't that the definition of love?
True.
False.
True.
False.
True.
Yeah, I guess I do.
[LAUGHTER]
Maybe.
These are all honest.
No.
False.
Let's put it a little strongly.
Probably.
True.
Yes, I must admit that.
I must admit that.
Yes.
How would I know?
No.
Sure.
No, no, no.
Not really.
No, that-- that'd be fine.
Yes.
No.
On rare occasion.
No.
Yes.
No.
Someone did.
I hope so.
No.
No, not really.
True.
Yes.
I wouldn't put it that way.
No, no, no.
Yes, yes, no, yes, yes, yes.
True.
I guess.
I doubt it.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
Probably.
False.
True.
Maybe.
No.
I wouldn't call that an artist.
[LAUGHTER]
Not serious.
No.
No, I'd kill them.
No.
[LAUGHTER]
No.
Depends.
No.
True.
No, no, no, no, no.
I think that's a no.
Certainly not.
Sure.
No.
Of course.
Yeah.
My people?
No.
I wouldn't say that.
Sometimes.
True Yes.
No.
Yeah, no.
No, never.
Probably.
No, I don't even know what drop the handkerchief is.
No.
No, absolutely not.
I guess.
Nah.
No.
Not really, no.
Yes.
No.
Yeah, actually.
Yes, definitely.
Yes.
Not really.
Probably not.
No.
Negative.
Yeah, lately.
Recently, yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
Not since I was a kid, no.
True.
Depends.
I don't know.
I wouldn't say that.
I don't think so.
Dread is probably too strong.
[LAUGHTER]
No.
But that sounds good, actually.
No.
Maybe.
Depends.
No, it doesn't matter.
I don't think so.
No.
Sure.
No.
No, no.
No, I'm not.
No.
True.
Yes, lately.
No, I wouldn't say that.
No.
No, though I often do.
Yes.
Yes, always.
No.
Yeah, I guess.
No.
Well within reason true.
False.
Probably as a kid.
No.
No, of course, you think I'm crazy?
No.
No, thankfully.
No, no, just the opposite.
No, it does.
No.
I don't think so.
Didn't you ask that already?
I guess.
True.
Yeah.
That's probably true.
True.
Isn't that necessarily so?
Well, yeah, but not especially true.
True.
Not really.
No, but isn't that what this test is supposed to discover?
[LAUGHTER]
False.
False, false, false, false, false, false, false, false,
false, true, true, true, true, false, true, true, false,
false, false.
Things are getting easier.
True.
I wouldn't say unusually.
True.
False, true, false, false, false, true, false.
Depends.
False, false, false.
True, though, it's not a big deal.
False, true, false, false, sure.
Not really.
True, I guess.
Not really, no.
Well, yeah, not recently.
False, true, false, false, true, true, false, false, false,
true.
Sure.
False, true, false, true, yeah.
No, I don't think so.
False, I guess.
True.
That's probably true.
True.
No, that sounds scary.
False.
Probably.
False.
Depends.
True, false, false, false.
Sure, true.
Sure, yeah.
Probably.
False.
Sure.
False, false, false, false, false, false, false.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
That was great.
Do you know how to put this screen down
because it's starting to be the blinding hour?
Tony, yes.
Tony is our volunteer.
He knows the building better than we do.
Thank you, Tony.
OK.
You over there, who's being blinded.
We know.
We're getting to it.
Thank you.
Kenneth Goldsmith-- epc.buffalo.edu/
authors/goldsmith--
if it doesn't exist, dot html, artconnect.com/feature/article,
poetryfoundation.org, Harriet, ubu.com/papers/goldsmith
command.
One-- I, too, have had an experience similar
to Marjorie's.
Two-- But, yeah.
It bothers me.
Museums can't do it, because they've got to get permission.
They've got to get through hoops.
They've got to pay.
They've got to do contracts.
They've got to do everything, and we don't
have to do any of that shit.
I haven't written a contract in my life for anything on UbuWeb.
It doesn't exist.
And by the way, the plug could get pulled tomorrow,
and the whole thing could vanish.
We've come close.
Three-- Any avantist who made a point of killing art,
did it with impeccable taste.
Hence, its ultimate absorption into the canon of art.
Four-- I prefer email to hugs, culture to nature,
air conditioning to gentle breezes,
fluorescent lighting to tropical sunsets, theft to originality,
falsification to truth, the manufactured
to the handcrafted, Barry Bonds to Hank Aaron, and value art
as if it's more than life itself.
Five-- My most cherished books are the various anthologies
that appeared in the 1960s.
Six-- Most likely, you can't understand
a word I'm saying even though it's your native language.
The air is now thick with sound posing as language.
Seven-- We shall reminisce about the time
when human beings still wrote poetry for other humans.
Please welcome Kenneth Goldsmith.
[APPLAUSE]
Aren't those introductions incredible?
Yes.
They are.
I'm going to collect them all, and post them on the Poetry
Foundation blog because I think she's writing some
of the best poetry we've heard.
[LAUGHTER]
Charles, are you recanting?
Yeah, you've got a contract?
Yeah.
We don't give contracts, Charles.
Well, since were talking about it earlier.
How about a little excerpt from "The Day."
All the news that's fit to print The New York Times Late
Edition.
New York today, mainly sunny and noticeably less humid.
High 79.
Tonight, clear low 62.
Tomorrow, sunny and cool, high 76.
Yesterday, high 86, low 73.
Weather map is on page D8, Volume CL, Number 51,873
Copyright 2001.
The New York Times.
New York, Tuesday, September 11th 2001.
One dollar beyond greater New York metropolitan area.
$0.75 photographs.
Clockwise from top left by Librado Romero,
Ruby Washington, Ruth Fremson, and James Estrin.
The New York Times.
September 10th 2001.
The homestretch-- on the last day
of campaigning, the mayoral candidate
scour the city for votes.
Clockwise, top-- Peter F. Vallone, Alan G. Hevesi,
and Mark Green talked with voters
in Brooklyn and Manhattan.
The polls are open from 6:00 AM to 9:00 PM.
Page B1.
Nuclear Booty: More Smugglers Use Asia Route
by Douglas Frantz.
Istanbul, September 10 2001.
The police in Batumi, a Black Sea port in Georgia,
heard a rumor in July that someone
wanted to sell several pounds of high-grade uranium
for $100,000.
The most tantalizing aspect of the tip
was that one of the sellers was allegedly a Georgian Army
officer.
All sorts of scoundrels have tried smuggling nuclear weapons
in recent years.
Many are amateurs-- most of what they try to peddle
proves useless for making bombs.
But the possible involvement of an army officer
gave the Batumi case a measure of deadly seriousness,
beyond its status as another example
of how the smuggling of nuclear material
has shifted to Central Asia.
On the morning of July 20, 2001, the local anti-terrorist squad
burst into the small hotel room near the port,
just outside the Turkish border.
They arrested four men, including an army captain
named Shota Geladze.
On the floor, in a glass jar wrapped in plastic,
sat nearly four pounds of enriched uranium 235,
according to one of the police officers.
The quantity was less than it was usually required
to make a small atomic bomb.
The Giants allowed touchdowns in every quarter
as host Denver of Broncos rolled to a 31-20 victory.
Sports Tuesday, Page D1.
September 10, 2001.
Debate Over Shark Attacks.
Commercial fishermen are at odds with scientists
over the recent spate of highly publicized shark attacks.
Science Times, Page F1.
Scientists Urge Bigger Supply of Stem Cells.
Report backs cloning strict arsenic limit saw.
September 10, 2001.
Strict standards for arsenic in drinking water,
suspended by the Bush administration, were justified,
experts have concluded.
Page A20.
Key Leaders Talk of Possible Deals To Revive Economy.
Bush is under pressure.
Lot open to more tax cuts.
Democrats seize temporary dip into social security.
By Alison Mitchell and Richard W. Stevenson.
Washington, September 10, 2001.
Key figures in both parties responded
to the darkening economic outlook
today by exploring possible compromises on additional tax
cuts, and Democratic chairman of the State Budget Committee
suggested that such a deal could involve
the politically perilous step of tapping temporarily
into Social Security surplus.
A Nation of Early Risers, Morning TV Is a Hot Market.
By Bill Carter, September 10, 2001.
How much morning television can one nation watch?
Updated News-- www.nytimes.com.
School Dress Codes Versus A Sea of Bare Flesh.
By Katie Zernike.
Millburn, New Jersey.
September 10, 2001.
In the tumult of bare skin that is the hallway of Millburn High
School, Michelle Pitts is the enforcer.
"Hon, put that sweater on," she barks at a pair of bare legs.
"Lose those flip-flops," to a pair of bare legs.
One student waves her off as Ms. Pitt
crosses her arms in a "Cover that cleavage" sign.
"You talked to me already," the girl
insists, then promises, "Tomorrow," as she
disappears around the corner.
Baseball caps, a taboo of yesteryear,
passed by unchallenged, having slipped in severity
on a list of offenses that now include exposed bellies, backs
and thighs.
For Miss Pitts, the assistant principal,
there is simply too much skin to cover.
With Britney Spears and CosmoGirl setting the fashion
trends, shirts and skirts are inching up,
pants are slipping down, and schools across the country
are finding themselves forced to tighten their dress codes
and police their hallways.
Don Standing for the New York Times.
September 11, 2001.
The dress code at Millburn High School
aims to raise standards and self-respect.
It frowns on low-necklines, bared shoulders, flip-flops,
and spaghetti straps wide as is clothing
that bears the private parts.
Continued on Page D7.
Inside.
This B-7 inside [INAUDIBLE] front to run for Senate.
Trent Lott would like to see.
Continued on Page 20.
Traced on Internet, Teacher Is charged in '71 Hijacking.
By C.J. Chivers.
September 10, 2001.
Thirty years after black-power revolutionary
hijacked a jetliner from Ontario to Cuba and disappeared,
Canadian and federal authorities matched the fingerprints
he left on a can of ginger ale in the plane with those
of a teacher in Westchester County,
and charged the teacher with the crime yesterday.
The teacher, Patrick Dolan Critton, 54, of Mount Vernon,
New York, was charged with kidnapping, armed robbery,
and extortion in US District Court in Manhattan.
He is facing extradition to Canada,
where a detective had tracked him down
through a simple internet search.
The authorities said that Mr. Critton, a fugitive for 30
years, had been hiding in plain sight for the last seven years,
working as a schoolteacher, using his real name,
raising two sons, and mentoring other children.
Even one of the police officers who arrested him
said he had had the appearance and the demeanor
of a gentleman.
But as a young man, authorities said,
Patrick Dolan Critton was a revolutionary
with a taste for the most daring of crimes.
By 1971, when he was 24, he was wanted by the New York City
police on charges that he participated
in a bank robbery that led to a frantic gun battle with police,
and he had worked in a covert explosive factory on the Lower
East Side, where the police said he
made pipe bombs with other members of a black liberation
group, the Republic.
Continued on Page B6.
Spend An Evening with John Waters.
Tonight, September 11.
And see the director's cut.
A female trouble for tickets to this Times' talk event
at the Gay Life Expo.
Call 212-352-3535.
Advertisement.
I'm taking away the dedication of this next piece from you,
and I'm giving it to Rob because of his lunchtime tales.
Sorry, Barbara.
You got it once.
Am I going to have to fight you in court?
No, no.
I'm not going to court unless you want me there.
Well, I don't want to go to court either.
No, I don't either.
OK.
Here's how it works, you'll be released today, OK?
OK.
All right.
I know I can bring you to jail, but that is not my goal here,
OK?
Don't do that, please.
I'm not going to bring you to jail.
But wait, it was you who solicited me.
OK.
We're going to get-- wait, we're going to get into that.
OK.
But there's two ways.
You can, you can--
you can go to court.
You can plead guilty.
Yeah.
There'll be a fine.
You won't have to pay anything.
Right?
And you'll pay a fine, but you'll be done.
Or if you want to plead not guilty--
I can't make these decisions for you.
No, no, no.
Just tell me where I am right now.
I need to make a flight.
OK.
And then for people who plead not guilty,
then I would have to come to court and end up testifying.
So those are the two things, OK?
Did I explain that part?
Yeah.
OK.
I'm just going to read you your rights real quick, OK?
You got it on?
OK.
The date is 6-11-07 at 12:28 hours.
Mr. Craig?
Yes?
Sorry about that.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you
in the court of law.
You have the right to talk to a lawyer
now or have a lawyer present now or any time during questioning.
If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed to you
without cost.
Do you understand each of these rights the way
I have explained them to you?
I do.
Do you wish to talk to us at this time?
I do.
OK.
I just want to start with your side of the story, OK?
So--
OK.
So I go to the bathroom here as I normally do.
I'm a regular commuter here, you know.
OK.
So, I sit down to go to the bathroom,
and you said our feet bumped.
I believe they did, because I reached down and scooted over,
and the next thing I knew, under the bathroom divider
comes a card that says police.
Now, that's about as far as I can take it.
I don't know of anything else.
Your foot came toward mine, mine came toward yours.
Was that natural?
I don't know.
Did we bump?
Yeah, I think we did.
OK.
So I don't disagree with that.
OK, look.
I don't want to get into a pissing match here.
We're not going to.
Good.
I don't-- look, I am not gay.
I don't do these kinds of things--
Look, it doesn't matter.
I don't care about sexual preference or anything
like that.
I don't care about sexual preference.
I know you don't.
You're out to enforce the law.
Right.
But you shouldn't be out to entrap people either.
This isn't entrapment.
All right.
You-- you're skipping some parts here.
But what about your hand?
Well, what about it?
I reached down.
My foot like this, there was a piece of paper on the floor,
and so I picked it up.
OK.
So what about my hand?
Well you're not being truthful with me?
I'm kind of disappointed in you, Senator.
I'm really disappointed in you right now.
OK, just so you know, I'm not like--
I treat everybody with dignity.
I try to pull them away from the situation,
and not embarrass them.
I appreciate that.
You've treated me with dignity at the stall.
I will say every person I've had so far has, told me the truth.
We've been respectful to each other,
and then they've gone on their own way.
And I never had to bring anybody to jail
because everybody has been truthful with me.
I don't want you to take me to jail.
I'm not going to take you to jail
as long as you're cooperative, but I'm not
going to tolerate a liar.
We--
All right.
Did my hand come below the divider?
Yes, it did.
OK, sir.
We deal with people that lie to us every day.
I'm sure you do.
And I'm sure you do, too, sir.
And gentlemen, so do I.
I'm sure you do.
We deal with a lot of people that are very bad people.
You're not a bad person, Senator.
No, I don't think I am.
OK, so what I'm telling you is, I don't want to be lied to.
OK.
So we'll start over.
You're going to get out of here.
You're going to have to pay a fine, and that'll be it, OK?
And don't call media.
I don't do any of that type of crap.
Fine, OK.
Fine.
All right.
So let's start from the beginning.
You went into the bathroom.
I went into the bathroom.
And what did you do when you--
I stood beside the wall waiting for a stall to open.
I got in the stall sat down, and started to go to the bathroom.
Did our feet come together?
Apparently, they did bump.
Well I won't dispute that.
OK.
When I got out of my stall, I noticed
that the other doors were open.
Well they weren't at the time.
At the time, I entered I stood and waited.
OK.
Were you out here, while you were waiting?
I could see your eyes.
I saw you playing with your fingers, and then look up.
You played with your fingers, and then looked up.
Did I glance at your stall?
I was glancing at a stall right beside yours,
waiting for a fella to empty it.
I saw him stand up, and therefore, I
thought it was going to empty.
Well how long did you think you stood outside the stall?
Oh, a minute or two at most.
OK.
And when you went into the stall, then what?
I sat down.
OK.
Did you do anything with your feet?
Positioned them.
I don't know.
I don't know at the time.
I'm a fairly wide guy.
I understand.
I have to spread my legs when I lower
my pants so they don't slide.
OK.
Did I slide them too close to yours?
Did I?
I looked down once.
Your foot was close to my--
Right foot stretches, touches floor, hand drums rest,
body moves backward, hand simultaneously
grasp and pulled down.
Back slumps, left hand grasp penis, squeezes at base.
Left hand squeezes, blood rushes to head.
Left hand strokes head, a penis.
Muscles contract in anal region.
Hand releases penis.
Falls to side of body.
Small movements and penis correspond to beating of heart.
Left hand grabs base of penis, displaces skin moving
from middle to top.
Blood rushes to tip, thumb lays across top
as forefinger, middle finger, and ring finger,
and pinky grasp underside.
Body pushes backward, legs extend, feet flat,
and hand massages head of penis, repeat.
Hand pulls skin over head of penis, fingers release, and dig
toward anus.
Fingers grasp, quick success of stroking motions,
pubic area pulled in motion.
Strokes on head, hand releases body.
Slouches then moves backward.
Strokes repeatedly, right hand moves
to groin area, and grasp testicles.
Left hand continues to stroke penis,
middle finger of right hand probes anus.
Stroke, stroke, stroke.
Tip of middle finger inserts into anus.
Left hand grabs, it pulls breast, successive strokes,
increase in speed.
Testicles contract, right hand probes testicles.
Left bicep grinds, breathing becomes stronger, toes curl,
legs lift, genital area sweats.
Legs spread, right middle finger presses anus,
left breast muscle pulse with arm movements.
Profuse sweat appears on chest.
Right hand massages belly, repeatedly,
in circular counterclockwise motion.
Left hand strokes penis, pressure on bladder.
Legs stretched out straight, calf muscles
tighten, buttocks tighten, sweat.
Left hand continues to repeatedly stroke tip of penis,
right hand applies pressure to anus.
Motion stops, body slumps.
Motion resumes, body rocks back and forth,
knees move rhythmically, buttocks and thighs
jiggle in unison with stroking.
Feet lift off ground, toes point.
Rapid succession of strokes, left hand to mouth,
tongue touch his left forefinger and middle finger.
Thumb meets forefinger, and middle fingertips
rub counterclockwise.
Left hand moves away from mouth, and back to penis,
stroking rapidly, becomes faster.
Calves tighten, left hand to mouth, tongue licks
fingers, hand returns to genitals.
Hand grasp penis, strokes.
Facial muscles tighten, body becomes rigid, left hand
to mouth, lick.
Hand to penis, sperm rises at base of penis,
testicles tighten, stroking continues,
fluid appears at tip of penis, anus
tightens, sperm spews from tip of penis over hands.
Deep breath, legs slam, hands tighten around penis.
Successive waves of sperm emerge from penis, legs stiffen,
stroking, continuous sperm cascades
from tip of left hand index finger onto back of left hand.
Sperm flows onto thumb and into gully
between thumb and forefinger.
Blood rushes out of penis, sperm dribbles out.
Tip penis, tip body, thrusts forward.
Right hand clinches, meets left fingers, close left rift,
moves back and forth.
Body leans, left arm outstretched
as fingers, flip right hand, releases.
Left hand grasps, right hand grasp,
rubs across gully between thumb and forefinger.
Right hand moves to top of head, scratches.
Right hand caresses left, right hand on thigh.
Left hand grasp penis, and squeezes base causing sperm
to flow from tip of penis.
Right hand moves to tip of penis.
Left hand probes belly, pubic area, and inside of thighs.
Left hand grabs penis and squeezes.
Sperm flows from tip of penis, left hand
reaches fingertips, flip fingers open, fingers bend at knuckle.
Hands in unison, grants pushing body forward.
Right pinky probes crack of anus,
meat of palms thrust body.
Right hand grasp base of penis, urine
streams from inside of stomach, anus pushes,
bladder pushes ahead, urine flows steadily
from tip of penis.
Urine so slides and streams.
Right hand shakes penis several times.
Hand releases, crosses body, arm stretched.
Tip of finger presses down.
Right hand grasps, arm cocks.
Did we bump?
You said so.
I don't recall that, but apparently, we were close.
Yeah, well, your foot did touch mine on my side of the stall.
All right.
OK, what about the hand?
How many times did you put your hand under the stall?
I don't recall.
I remember reaching down once there
was a piece of toilet paper back behind me.
I recall picking it up.
OK.
Was your palm up or down when you were doing that?
I don't recall.
OK.
Well I recall your palm being up, OK?
All right.
Listen, when you pick something up--
a piece of paper, when you pick a piece of paper
off the ground, your palm would be down
when you pick something up.
Yeah, it probably would be.
I recall picking the paper up.
OK, and I know it's hard to describe here on tape,
but actually, what I saw was your fingers come
underneath the stall to the point
we were actually touching the bottom of the stall divider.
You don't recall that?
I don't believe I did that.
I don't.
But I saw you.
I saw it.
Sir, I don't do those kinds of things.
But I saw your left hand, and I could see the gold wedding ring
when it went across.
I could see that on your left hand.
Your gold wedding ring--
I could see that.
Wait a minute.
My left hand was over here.
I could tell it with my--
I could tell it was your left hand
because your thumb was positioned
in a face forward motion.
Your thumb was on this side, not on this side.
Well look, we can dispute that.
Look, I'm not going to fight you in court.
I reached down with my right hand to pick up the paper.
But I'm telling you, I could see that.
So I know it was your left hand.
Also, I could see a gold ring on this finger
so it's obvious that that was the left hand.
Yeah, OK.
My left hand was in the direct opposite of the stall from you.
OK.
You travel through here frequently, correct?
I do, almost weekly.
OK, Senator, have you ever been successful in these bathrooms
before?
I go to that bathroom regularly.
No, no.
I mean, for other types of activities.
No, absolutely not.
I don't see activities in bathrooms.
This is really embarrassing.
I know it is embarrassing.
It's embarrassing for us both, but I'm not going to fight you.
Well I know you're not going to fight me,
but that's not the point.
I respect you, and I still respect you.
I don't disrespect you, but I'm being disrespected right now.
And I'm not trying to act like I have all kinds of power
or anything, but you're sitting here,
lying to a police officer, Senator.
I'm not a-- I'm not getting it from somebody else.
I'm trained in this.
I know what I do.
I know what I'm doing, and I say you put your hand under there.
And you're going to sit there and--
All right.
I admit I put my hand down.
Well you put your hand down, and rubbed it
on the bottom of the stall with your left hand.
Now wait a minute--
And I'm not dumb.
You can say I don't recall all you want to.
I had turned sideways.
That would be the one way I could
get my left hand over there.
Listen, it's not hard for me to reach.
It's not hard.
I see it happen out here every day.
You do.
All right.
I just-- I just--
I guess-- I guess--
I guess I'm going to say I'm just disappointed in you, sir.
I really am.
I mean, I expect this type of behavior from a guy
that we get from out of the hood.
But you, Senator--
I mean, people vote for you.
Yes they do.
Unbelievable!
Unbelievable.
I'm a respectable person, and I don't do these kinds of--
Then show me respect right now!
But I didn't use my left hand.
I thought you said, I reached down
with my right hand like this to pull up a piece of paper.
Was your gold ring on your right hand at any time today?
Of course not.
Try to get it off.
Look at it.
OK, then it was your left hand.
I saw it with my own eyes.
All right.
You saw something that didn't happen.
Embarrassing!
Embarrassing.
All right, this is embarrassing!
No wonder why this country is going down the tubes.
Embarrassing, Senator.
Embarrassing!
The date is 6-11-07 at 12.36, and this interview is done, OK?
How about I join you in bed?
What do you-- how about a little activity?
Can I?
Why?
I thought it was OK to kill myself
unless I fucked you first.
Can I put my finger in your ass--
all the way up?
Why?
That's on tape.
Just to spice up the tape a little bit.
I said it just to spice up the tape.
I love you.
Oh, it's not my fault that you're in such a bad mood.
Really?
Really.
Stop or yeah, oh, actually, your body is so good now.
No, really, you're so thin and so good, so strong,
and muscular, and pretty, and soft, and smooth, and mm-hmm.
I'm getting a lick.
I'm going to get it's even more soundtracked ahead.
OK, all right.
I'll turn it off.
OK.
I'll turn it off.
I can't turn it off.
We had already done one.
Of me, getting blown.
That was all on the tape.
Sure, it was.
I started the tape the first thing
in the morning so it's all-- no, it's all over.
And I'll tell you another thing, there's
no part of you that will appear on this tape--
your voice or your actions or nothing will appear.
It's all me.
Oh, big deal.
It's something I never heard before.
It's noises that I never heard from you before.
No, I know.
No, you don't.
You, too.
Yeah, oh, and it's a good thing I get my way.
You love your pussy licked, and it's a good thing.
You get your way because you get your pussy licked.
I get mine, your pussy licked.
I'm not saying anything I don't normally say, Cheryl.
Why?
Oh, well, it'll be on the tape.
I can't turn the tape off, but you're probably
not going to get anything because there's no language.
The tape will shut off if there's no language.
I have it programmed.
I mean, it was slurping.
It won't catch you.
I mean, why?
Come on, this is art.
Look at what I do for your art.
Look at what I do for your art!
Look at what you do for your art.
You get naked in front of an audience of thousands,
and you're here crawling around, and you can see your pussy,
and here she says, oh, I don't want to be on the tape.
It's so contradictory.
Oh, and it's OK for your art, but it's not OK for my art.
And I oh, oh, and then the one with the boredoms
and you're crawling under the plastic,
and you can see your whole vagina.
And yet, you can see that-- here we can see the whole pussy.
Of course, you can when you're crawling around,
but do I ever say anything?
No.
It's for your art.
And so this art is like our life.
And when you're saying no, we can't have it.
Oh, it's only special when it's like art.
When it's like life, you can't have it.
I get it.
No, I'm making the most ridiculous argument ever
because giving me a hard time about my art.
Why don't you-- I mean, instead of saying
that I don't want that on tape, I mean, isn't this a joke?
These tapes-- nobody will ever hear these tapes, Cheryl.
How can you say you're self-conscious when you like
the nude artist of the century.
It's pretty close.
And head?
So, this is simulated, too.
It's mediated by the tape medium.
I can't believe.
Look-- if we had no language--
I will, if there's no language.
No.
There is no language.
I want to give you a demonstration.
Watch this red light.
See?
I'm talking now.
Now, I'm talking.
See, it's like magic.
And don't you have the highest voice of anyone?
No, I don't.
Speak.
Do you have the highest voice ever?
Call me Harpo.
I'm going to go clean up.
Good night.
No, fuck it.
I hate sex especially with you.
Go to bed.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]