WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.340 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.340 --> 00:00:05.030 align:middle line:84% Thank you, Betsy, and thanks for supper. 00:00:05.030 --> 00:00:11.962 align:middle line:84% And thanks to Aurelie and everyone who's invited us here 00:00:11.962 --> 00:00:13.170 align:middle line:90% and made us feel comfortable. 00:00:13.170 --> 00:00:15.510 align:middle line:90% Can you hear me OK? 00:00:15.510 --> 00:00:20.080 align:middle line:90% I want to tell a quick story. 00:00:20.080 --> 00:00:23.010 align:middle line:84% I went here as an undergraduate and as a graduate student, 00:00:23.010 --> 00:00:27.090 align:middle line:84% and my first fiction workshop ever was here 00:00:27.090 --> 00:00:28.590 align:middle line:90% when I was a sophomore. 00:00:28.590 --> 00:00:32.220 align:middle line:84% And I had Robert Downs, who used to be the head of the MFA 00:00:32.220 --> 00:00:34.470 align:middle line:90% program many years ago. 00:00:34.470 --> 00:00:36.240 align:middle line:90% And my first story-- 00:00:36.240 --> 00:00:40.020 align:middle line:84% I was a very earnest student, and very serious and ambitious. 00:00:40.020 --> 00:00:42.360 align:middle line:84% And so, for my first story, I took 00:00:42.360 --> 00:00:47.520 align:middle line:90% on the modest topic of slavery. 00:00:47.520 --> 00:00:49.385 align:middle line:84% I wrote from the point of view of a slave, 00:00:49.385 --> 00:00:51.660 align:middle line:90% and so, where to start? 00:00:51.660 --> 00:00:58.470 align:middle line:84% I started in Africa, when he was kidnapped and put on a boat. 00:00:58.470 --> 00:01:02.790 align:middle line:84% It was an arduous trip across the ocean. 00:01:02.790 --> 00:01:04.530 align:middle line:90% People died. 00:01:04.530 --> 00:01:07.890 align:middle line:90% He got to Georgia, I believe. 00:01:07.890 --> 00:01:12.420 align:middle line:84% And things weren't good on the plantation, 00:01:12.420 --> 00:01:18.210 align:middle line:84% and after many bad events, he decided to leave. 00:01:18.210 --> 00:01:23.010 align:middle line:84% And he escaped, and then there was death by wildlife. 00:01:23.010 --> 00:01:25.740 align:middle line:90% 00:01:25.740 --> 00:01:26.970 align:middle line:90% The story was eight pages. 00:01:26.970 --> 00:01:31.120 align:middle line:90% 00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:34.350 align:middle line:84% I got a C in my first creative writing class. 00:01:34.350 --> 00:01:36.370 align:middle line:90% It was completely earned. 00:01:36.370 --> 00:01:39.180 align:middle line:90% So the next time any you-- 00:01:39.180 --> 00:01:44.130 align:middle line:84% hi-- the next time any of you hear that old controversy 00:01:44.130 --> 00:01:47.340 align:middle line:90% about, can writing be taught? 00:01:47.340 --> 00:01:50.190 align:middle line:90% Yes, it can. 00:01:50.190 --> 00:01:50.820 align:middle line:90% I learned. 00:01:50.820 --> 00:01:54.460 align:middle line:84% And so I want to dedicate this reading to my teachers. 00:01:54.460 --> 00:01:56.280 align:middle line:90% And some of them are here. 00:01:56.280 --> 00:02:00.510 align:middle line:84% Steve Orlen, and Buzz Poverman, and Bob Houston. 00:02:00.510 --> 00:02:07.170 align:middle line:84% And there are many other teachers that are in my mind. 00:02:07.170 --> 00:02:09.100 align:middle line:84% They're here in that way, at least. 00:02:09.100 --> 00:02:12.420 align:middle line:90% So I'm grateful to all of you. 00:02:12.420 --> 00:02:15.750 align:middle line:84% I'm going to read the first part of the title story, 00:02:15.750 --> 00:02:18.210 align:middle line:84% "The Heyday of the Insensitive Bastards." 00:02:18.210 --> 00:02:20.670 align:middle line:90% And it has 10 parts. 00:02:20.670 --> 00:02:29.130 align:middle line:84% It's a long story, and I hope it's funny. 00:02:29.130 --> 00:02:32.340 align:middle line:84% So I want to give you permission to laugh. 00:02:32.340 --> 00:02:35.010 align:middle line:90% That's pleading, in a way. 00:02:35.010 --> 00:02:37.860 align:middle line:84% OK, "The Heyday of the Insensitive Bastards, 00:02:37.860 --> 00:02:42.300 align:middle line:90% assignment 1, Happier Time." 00:02:42.300 --> 00:02:46.950 align:middle line:84% "As much as anything really happens, this really did. 00:02:46.950 --> 00:02:48.630 align:middle line:90% It was late spring. 00:02:48.630 --> 00:02:51.810 align:middle line:84% I was in that drifting age between the end of college, 00:02:51.810 --> 00:02:55.860 align:middle line:84% sophomore year, and the beginning of settling down, 00:02:55.860 --> 00:02:58.080 align:middle line:90% the penitentiary. 00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:00.810 align:middle line:84% And I had taken to the mountains where my friend Clete said 00:03:00.810 --> 00:03:03.000 align:middle line:84% the air was so thin you could skip the huffing 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:06.120 align:middle line:84% and absorb it directly through your pores. 00:03:06.120 --> 00:03:08.250 align:middle line:84% Clete was living out of a green VW 00:03:08.250 --> 00:03:12.390 align:middle line:84% van that had broken down at a scenic overlook a few miles 00:03:12.390 --> 00:03:16.140 align:middle line:84% outside the Colorado ski town of Apex. 00:03:16.140 --> 00:03:18.240 align:middle line:84% He had taken the tires off the van 00:03:18.240 --> 00:03:20.310 align:middle line:90% to keep it from being towed. 00:03:20.310 --> 00:03:23.910 align:middle line:84% Perched on the cliff, it looked primitive and vaguely 00:03:23.910 --> 00:03:25.650 align:middle line:90% prehistoric. 00:03:25.650 --> 00:03:28.740 align:middle line:84% The Greyhound driver pulled over for me. 00:03:28.740 --> 00:03:32.460 align:middle line:84% 'Don't get too close to the ledge,' he warned. 00:03:32.460 --> 00:03:37.620 align:middle line:84% Evidently, I hadn't concealed the fact that I was stoned. 00:03:37.620 --> 00:03:39.960 align:middle line:84% Clete set on the metal railing, eating 00:03:39.960 --> 00:03:42.690 align:middle line:84% a combination of trail mix and Alpha-Bits 00:03:42.690 --> 00:03:44.670 align:middle line:90% from a plastic pouch. 00:03:44.670 --> 00:03:48.630 align:middle line:84% He was a big guy with brown hair and bangs across his forehead, 00:03:48.630 --> 00:03:50.580 align:middle line:90% a ponytail in the back. 00:03:50.580 --> 00:03:54.270 align:middle line:84% His body had an imposing quality, not just because 00:03:54.270 --> 00:03:57.030 align:middle line:84% of his size, but owing to the confident way 00:03:57.030 --> 00:03:59.700 align:middle line:90% he moved through the world. 00:03:59.700 --> 00:04:03.510 align:middle line:84% 'I've got a kilo of shrooms,' he said by way of greeting, 00:04:03.510 --> 00:04:07.940 align:middle line:84% leading me across the highway and up a muddy path. 00:04:07.940 --> 00:04:11.600 align:middle line:84% In the shade of pines, he moved a fallen branch 00:04:11.600 --> 00:04:14.600 align:middle line:84% and dug up a bag of psychedelic mushrooms. 00:04:14.600 --> 00:04:17.300 align:middle line:84% He kept them separate from the van in case 00:04:17.300 --> 00:04:21.260 align:middle line:84% some law officer decided to search his home. 00:04:21.260 --> 00:04:23.690 align:middle line:90% I spread my coat over the grass. 00:04:23.690 --> 00:04:28.340 align:middle line:84% The coat was blue and bulky, but light, insulated by air. 00:04:28.340 --> 00:04:32.180 align:middle line:84% Made of a petroleum product impossible to stain. 00:04:32.180 --> 00:04:34.760 align:middle line:84% It had so many pockets I'd forget about some 00:04:34.760 --> 00:04:38.510 align:middle line:84% for months at a time, only to discover an old joint, 00:04:38.510 --> 00:04:43.250 align:middle line:84% a dime bag, a novel I was halfway through. 00:04:43.250 --> 00:04:47.060 align:middle line:84% The coat dated back to my last visit home. 00:04:47.060 --> 00:04:50.390 align:middle line:84% I got distracted on the way, a six hour drive 00:04:50.390 --> 00:04:54.560 align:middle line:84% from the university, and arrived three months late. 00:04:54.560 --> 00:04:57.500 align:middle line:84% My parents still had my Christmas presents wrapped 00:04:57.500 --> 00:05:00.500 align:middle line:90% in elf and reindeer paper. 00:05:00.500 --> 00:05:02.450 align:middle line:84% The whole time I was there, they complained 00:05:02.450 --> 00:05:05.180 align:middle line:90% about their lousy holiday. 00:05:05.180 --> 00:05:08.420 align:middle line:84% As you know, I haven't seen them since. 00:05:08.420 --> 00:05:12.230 align:middle line:84% A person can only apologize so much. 00:05:12.230 --> 00:05:14.300 align:middle line:90% The coat was one of my presents. 00:05:14.300 --> 00:05:17.360 align:middle line:84% A man could cross the Arctic in such a coat. 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:19.790 align:middle line:84% It had become my organizing principle, 00:05:19.790 --> 00:05:22.550 align:middle line:84% and it was all the luggage I had. 00:05:22.550 --> 00:05:25.400 align:middle line:84% Clete and I plopped our butts on it. 00:05:25.400 --> 00:05:27.350 align:middle line:84% 'I recommend this much,' he said, 00:05:27.350 --> 00:05:30.560 align:middle line:84% and passed me a handful of mushrooms. 00:05:30.560 --> 00:05:33.620 align:middle line:84% It was a hot day, and we stretched out in the shade. 00:05:33.620 --> 00:05:35.900 align:middle line:84% Through the trees, we had a view of the highway, 00:05:35.900 --> 00:05:39.380 align:middle line:84% the beached van, and the green gorge beyond the railing. 00:05:39.380 --> 00:05:42.320 align:middle line:84% Clete and I have been friends for decades. 00:05:42.320 --> 00:05:45.720 align:middle line:84% We first met when we were seventh graders. 00:05:45.720 --> 00:05:48.530 align:middle line:84% My mother had grown tired of driving me to school 00:05:48.530 --> 00:05:51.140 align:middle line:84% when the bus stop was just down the street. 00:05:51.140 --> 00:05:56.370 align:middle line:84% Clete was on one knee when I arrived, his chin in his hand. 00:05:56.370 --> 00:05:59.640 align:middle line:84% 'Spermatozoa are living creatures,' he said, 00:05:59.640 --> 00:06:02.580 align:middle line:90% 'and we make them.' 00:06:02.580 --> 00:06:05.760 align:middle line:84% I did not know his name, and he didn't know mine. 00:06:05.760 --> 00:06:09.090 align:middle line:84% We'd seen each other at school, but we'd never spoken. 00:06:09.090 --> 00:06:10.800 align:middle line:90% 'They swim,' he said. 00:06:10.800 --> 00:06:14.240 align:middle line:90% 'They wriggle, they seek.' 00:06:14.240 --> 00:06:16.490 align:middle line:84% 'Is this where we catch the bus?' 00:06:16.490 --> 00:06:18.530 align:middle line:90% I said. 00:06:18.530 --> 00:06:22.130 align:middle line:84% 'That means we have some sense of God in us,' Clete said. 00:06:22.130 --> 00:06:25.280 align:middle line:84% 'I feel it.' He put his hand over his crotch. 00:06:25.280 --> 00:06:29.660 align:middle line:84% 'It's like a bright, tickling light.' 00:06:29.660 --> 00:06:32.720 align:middle line:90% We've been friends ever since. 00:06:32.720 --> 00:06:34.380 align:middle line:84% 'They're kind of gritty,' I said, 00:06:34.380 --> 00:06:36.650 align:middle line:90% referring to the mushrooms. 00:06:36.650 --> 00:06:37.670 align:middle line:90% Clete shrugged. 00:06:37.670 --> 00:06:40.340 align:middle line:84% He had spent the morning in a wildlife center, 00:06:40.340 --> 00:06:42.320 align:middle line:90% watching a film on lions. 00:06:42.320 --> 00:06:45.500 align:middle line:84% 'One,' he counted with his fingers. 00:06:45.500 --> 00:06:47.870 align:middle line:90% 'They sleep 20 hours a day. 00:06:47.870 --> 00:06:51.950 align:middle line:84% Two, the females do the hunting while the males snooze. 00:06:51.950 --> 00:06:56.450 align:middle line:84% Three, when pursuing prey, they attack the smallest and slowest 00:06:56.450 --> 00:06:57.380 align:middle line:90% in a herd. 00:06:57.380 --> 00:07:02.600 align:middle line:84% The baby wildebeest, retarded zebra, gimpy antelope. 00:07:02.600 --> 00:07:07.210 align:middle line:84% Given this evidence, what do you think the movie was called?' 00:07:07.210 --> 00:07:10.780 align:middle line:84% I pointed to a couple of girls in short pants bicycling 00:07:10.780 --> 00:07:14.080 align:middle line:84% past the lookout point, but Clete couldn't be discouraged. 00:07:14.080 --> 00:07:18.070 align:middle line:84% When he got philosophical, there was no stopping him. 00:07:18.070 --> 00:07:21.940 align:middle line:90% 'Lion, the Noble Beast.' 00:07:21.940 --> 00:07:26.230 align:middle line:84% He paused to let the irony sink in. 00:07:26.230 --> 00:07:28.390 align:middle line:84% 'Then I got to thinking how kings just 00:07:28.390 --> 00:07:31.390 align:middle line:84% lie around on their royal furniture and tax the peasants. 00:07:31.390 --> 00:07:34.720 align:middle line:84% Maybe lions are nobility after all.' 00:07:34.720 --> 00:07:37.930 align:middle line:84% Clete had never been what anyone would call a good student, 00:07:37.930 --> 00:07:42.100 align:middle line:84% but he could be specific in ways most of us couldn't. 00:07:42.100 --> 00:07:44.710 align:middle line:84% 'Take lime popsicles,' he continued. 00:07:44.710 --> 00:07:48.190 align:middle line:84% 'Do they taste anything like actual limes?' 00:07:48.190 --> 00:07:51.490 align:middle line:84% 'Have you been eating these all day?' 00:07:51.490 --> 00:07:54.370 align:middle line:84% 'I sampled while I was harvesting.' 00:07:54.370 --> 00:07:55.810 align:middle line:90% 'You picked these?' 00:07:55.810 --> 00:07:58.900 align:middle line:84% 'They grow,' he said, 'right out of the ground.' 00:07:58.900 --> 00:08:02.050 align:middle line:84% 'Mushrooms can be poisonous, you know.' 00:08:02.050 --> 00:08:04.090 align:middle line:84% I studied the remaining mushrooms 00:08:04.090 --> 00:08:07.330 align:middle line:84% in my hand, torn between the idea of a bargain high 00:08:07.330 --> 00:08:10.090 align:middle line:90% and the possibility of dying. 00:08:10.090 --> 00:08:12.760 align:middle line:84% 'I took a library book with me,' Clete assured me. 00:08:12.760 --> 00:08:16.330 align:middle line:90% 'They're perfectly safe.' 00:08:16.330 --> 00:08:21.340 align:middle line:84% 'So,' I said, eating another, but chewing more slowly. 00:08:21.340 --> 00:08:25.000 align:middle line:90% 'You've got a library card.' 00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:27.070 align:middle line:84% 'Everything we have, even the rain, 00:08:27.070 --> 00:08:29.140 align:middle line:84% comes from the Earth,' he replied. 00:08:29.140 --> 00:08:32.740 align:middle line:84% 'Except for meteorites and certain toxic gases.' 00:08:32.740 --> 00:08:35.230 align:middle line:84% He returned the bag to the hole and used the branch 00:08:35.230 --> 00:08:37.990 align:middle line:84% like a broom to disguise the topsoil. 00:08:37.990 --> 00:08:41.049 align:middle line:84% 'I know where there's a party,' he said. 00:08:41.049 --> 00:08:43.059 align:middle line:90% We hiked down to the VW. 00:08:43.059 --> 00:08:45.400 align:middle line:84% The van had no side windows or seats 00:08:45.400 --> 00:08:47.680 align:middle line:84% in the back, just a long floorboard he 00:08:47.680 --> 00:08:50.530 align:middle line:84% had covered with foam rubber and shag carpet. 00:08:50.530 --> 00:08:53.260 align:middle line:84% I tossed in my coat, Clete locked up, 00:08:53.260 --> 00:08:56.080 align:middle line:84% and we headed toward town on foot. 00:08:56.080 --> 00:08:57.520 align:middle line:90% 'Where are the tires?' 00:08:57.520 --> 00:08:58.540 align:middle line:90% I asked. 00:08:58.540 --> 00:08:59.950 align:middle line:90% 'Hidden.' 00:08:59.950 --> 00:09:03.190 align:middle line:84% He needed $600 to rebuild the engine. 00:09:03.190 --> 00:09:06.970 align:middle line:84% He didn't have a job, but was saving money anyway. 00:09:06.970 --> 00:09:10.000 align:middle line:84% 'Walking back and forth to town is good exercise,' he said, 00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:13.060 align:middle line:84% 'which saves on doctor bills and money that would have gone 00:09:13.060 --> 00:09:16.090 align:middle line:84% toward gas if the van was running.' 00:09:16.090 --> 00:09:19.390 align:middle line:84% 'We're making a profit just walking along,' I said. 00:09:19.390 --> 00:09:24.490 align:middle line:84% 'Picking mushrooms saves on drugs and groceries.' 00:09:24.490 --> 00:09:27.010 align:middle line:84% How much actual cash do you have?' 00:09:27.010 --> 00:09:29.980 align:middle line:84% He stuck his hand in his pocket and counted the small wad 00:09:29.980 --> 00:09:32.080 align:middle line:90% of bills, plus a few coins. 00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:35.320 align:middle line:84% '$12.48, but this is a Buffalo nickel. 00:09:35.320 --> 00:09:37.420 align:middle line:90% I'm saving it.' 00:09:37.420 --> 00:09:40.735 align:middle line:90% '$12.43,' I said. 00:09:40.735 --> 00:09:42.820 align:middle line:84% I felt the most inside our friendship 00:09:42.820 --> 00:09:45.820 align:middle line:84% when we walked together as we did that afternoon, making 00:09:45.820 --> 00:09:47.680 align:middle line:90% plans and bumping shoulders. 00:09:47.680 --> 00:09:50.980 align:middle line:84% Eating magic mushrooms from our fists, hoping we 00:09:50.980 --> 00:09:53.080 align:middle line:90% wouldn't get poisoned. 00:09:53.080 --> 00:09:55.360 align:middle line:84% 'I've got about $50,' I told him. 00:09:55.360 --> 00:09:57.670 align:middle line:84% 'I'd have more, but I gave this woman a necklace 00:09:57.670 --> 00:10:00.070 align:middle line:90% when I broke up with her. 00:10:00.070 --> 00:10:01.910 align:middle line:90% The one with the parrot? 00:10:01.910 --> 00:10:03.910 align:middle line:84% How was I supposed to know it wouldn't come when 00:10:03.910 --> 00:10:05.800 align:middle line:90% it's called?' 00:10:05.800 --> 00:10:08.920 align:middle line:84% 'Parrots don't know what they're saying,' Clete said. 00:10:08.920 --> 00:10:10.930 align:middle line:90% 'They just copy sounds. 00:10:10.930 --> 00:10:12.610 align:middle line:90% Humans are the same. 00:10:12.610 --> 00:10:17.410 align:middle line:84% We talk in the vague hope of finding out what we mean.' 00:10:17.410 --> 00:10:19.510 align:middle line:84% When we reached Apex, he showed me 00:10:19.510 --> 00:10:21.850 align:middle line:84% the library, and a bakery that set out 00:10:21.850 --> 00:10:24.160 align:middle line:90% day old pastries in the alley. 00:10:24.160 --> 00:10:28.140 align:middle line:84% 'Fires are good for forests,' he said. 00:10:28.140 --> 00:10:30.390 align:middle line:90% I smelled the smoke then. 00:10:30.390 --> 00:10:33.690 align:middle line:84% The flames were 50 miles away, but the box canyon 00:10:33.690 --> 00:10:36.420 align:middle line:84% that held the town had a roof of smoke. 00:10:36.420 --> 00:10:38.790 align:middle line:90% It had a purifying odor. 00:10:38.790 --> 00:10:42.030 align:middle line:84% I began to feel tall and rubbery, and ready 00:10:42.030 --> 00:10:43.650 align:middle line:90% for the next thing. 00:10:43.650 --> 00:10:45.690 align:middle line:90% We walked a long distance. 00:10:45.690 --> 00:10:48.450 align:middle line:84% At some point, it turned out to be evening. 00:10:48.450 --> 00:10:51.810 align:middle line:84% Stars swelled from this dark center of the sky 00:10:51.810 --> 00:10:54.390 align:middle line:84% to the toothed ridges of the mountains. 00:10:54.390 --> 00:10:57.540 align:middle line:84% All the heat fled the air, and I thought to ask, 00:10:57.540 --> 00:10:59.760 align:middle line:90% 'Where are we going?' 00:10:59.760 --> 00:11:02.850 align:middle line:84% Clete pointed to a dark house up the hill. 00:11:02.850 --> 00:11:05.970 align:middle line:84% A girl named Val was dog sitting for a family spending 00:11:05.970 --> 00:11:07.750 align:middle line:90% the summer in Scotland. 00:11:07.750 --> 00:11:09.060 align:middle line:90% It was her party. 00:11:09.060 --> 00:11:12.300 align:middle line:84% The house had a peaked roof and plank porch. 00:11:12.300 --> 00:11:15.300 align:middle line:84% The windows showed a waffling brightness, 00:11:15.300 --> 00:11:17.970 align:middle line:90% like the memory of actual light. 00:11:17.970 --> 00:11:21.420 align:middle line:84% Some kind of Mary Chapin Carpenter warbled inside, 00:11:21.420 --> 00:11:25.770 align:middle line:84% and I had a momentary fear of live music. 00:11:25.770 --> 00:11:27.270 align:middle line:90% Clete didn't knock. 00:11:27.270 --> 00:11:30.660 align:middle line:84% The front room held maybe 20 candles. 00:11:30.660 --> 00:11:34.020 align:middle line:84% A boombox sat on a high table, its cord connected 00:11:34.020 --> 00:11:37.590 align:middle line:84% to an extension that trailed along the floor, out a window, 00:11:37.590 --> 00:11:40.560 align:middle line:84% and across the lawn to a neighbor's outlet. 00:11:40.560 --> 00:11:43.140 align:middle line:84% Clete ejected the tape, which drew applause 00:11:43.140 --> 00:11:45.870 align:middle line:84% from the guys lounging on the furniture. 00:11:45.870 --> 00:11:48.750 align:middle line:84% 'I have Texas Flood in my coat,' I said. 00:11:48.750 --> 00:11:51.030 align:middle line:90% 'You're not wearing your coat.' 00:11:51.030 --> 00:11:54.030 align:middle line:84% Clete lifted tapes from the scatter on the table 00:11:54.030 --> 00:11:56.055 align:middle line:84% and held them next to the candle to read. 00:11:56.055 --> 00:11:59.550 align:middle line:90% 00:11:59.550 --> 00:12:02.460 align:middle line:90% I wandered into the kitchen. 00:12:02.460 --> 00:12:05.820 align:middle line:84% A bone thin woman who turned out to be Val the dog sitter 00:12:05.820 --> 00:12:09.450 align:middle line:84% and hostess was mixing a drink by flashlight. 00:12:09.450 --> 00:12:10.920 align:middle line:90% 'Thirsty?' 00:12:10.920 --> 00:12:13.260 align:middle line:84% She handed me the drink she was making. 00:12:13.260 --> 00:12:15.400 align:middle line:84% 'Whiskey and ice is my specialty, 00:12:15.400 --> 00:12:17.070 align:middle line:90% and it's all we've got.' 00:12:17.070 --> 00:12:19.770 align:middle line:84% She dipped into a plastic cooler for more ice. 00:12:19.770 --> 00:12:22.380 align:middle line:84% 'These glasses are real crystal,' she added, 00:12:22.380 --> 00:12:23.790 align:middle line:90% 'but they're monogrammed. 00:12:23.790 --> 00:12:25.230 align:middle line:90% I'm afraid to sell them. 00:12:25.230 --> 00:12:27.520 align:middle line:90% It's a small town.' 00:12:27.520 --> 00:12:30.810 align:middle line:84% 'I could sell them for you,' I said. 'Nobody knows me.' 00:12:30.810 --> 00:12:33.960 align:middle line:90% 'That's so sweet,' she said. 00:12:33.960 --> 00:12:38.590 align:middle line:84% She'd spent the upkeep money the family had left on dope. 00:12:38.590 --> 00:12:42.120 align:middle line:84% When the electricity was cut off, she sold the appliances. 00:12:42.120 --> 00:12:45.810 align:middle line:84% She was down to the blender and Toast-R-Oven. 00:12:45.810 --> 00:12:48.030 align:middle line:84% 'I have to keep the phone on for when they call from 00:12:48.030 --> 00:12:49.770 align:middle line:90% Dundee,' she said. 00:12:49.770 --> 00:12:53.160 align:middle line:84% She had trained the dogs to bark into the receiver. 00:12:53.160 --> 00:12:55.500 align:middle line:84% 'I got screwed on the refrigerator.' 00:12:55.500 --> 00:12:57.930 align:middle line:84% She had traded it to a guy at the bakery 00:12:57.930 --> 00:12:59.790 align:middle line:90% for a cooler of sandwiches. 00:12:59.790 --> 00:13:03.480 align:middle line:84% 'Never do business when you're hungry,' she advised. 00:13:03.480 --> 00:13:05.880 align:middle line:84% Her mouth was small and almost circular, 00:13:05.880 --> 00:13:07.950 align:middle line:90% like a split cantaloupe. 00:13:07.950 --> 00:13:10.650 align:middle line:84% She noticed me studying her mouth and kissed me. 00:13:10.650 --> 00:13:12.720 align:middle line:90% 'Who are you, anyway?' 00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:14.880 align:middle line:90% I told her I was Clete's friend. 00:13:14.880 --> 00:13:18.000 align:middle line:84% 'Thank goodness,' she said. 'I need his help.' 00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:20.730 align:middle line:84% She took another crystal tumbler from the cupboard 00:13:20.730 --> 00:13:22.530 align:middle line:90% and filled it with whiskey. 00:13:22.530 --> 00:13:25.710 align:middle line:84% 'Clete doesn't take ice for some reason.' 00:13:25.710 --> 00:13:29.130 align:middle line:84% 'He doesn't want to get spoiled,' I said. 00:13:29.130 --> 00:13:31.650 align:middle line:84% She took the glass to Clete and grabbed his arm, 00:13:31.650 --> 00:13:34.830 align:middle line:84% leading us to a room with wood paneling, leather furniture, 00:13:34.830 --> 00:13:35.900 align:middle line:90% and no windows. 00:13:35.900 --> 00:13:37.170 align:middle line:90% A den. 00:13:37.170 --> 00:13:39.060 align:middle line:84% People sat around in candlelight, 00:13:39.060 --> 00:13:42.270 align:middle line:84% studying a guy in a big chair, who was staring out 00:13:42.270 --> 00:13:46.470 align:middle line:84% of eyes as distant and hollow as those tunnels that 00:13:46.470 --> 00:13:48.900 align:middle line:90% go under bodies of water. 00:13:48.900 --> 00:13:51.180 align:middle line:90% Val shone a flashlight on him. 00:13:51.180 --> 00:13:53.300 align:middle line:90% He didn't blink. 00:13:53.300 --> 00:13:54.480 align:middle line:90% 'What do we have here?' 00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:55.730 align:middle line:90% Clete asked. 00:13:55.730 --> 00:13:59.180 align:middle line:84% He knew the guy, whose name was Stu. 00:13:59.180 --> 00:14:03.980 align:middle line:84% A bunch of them had snorted PCP, but Stu had done twice as much 00:14:03.980 --> 00:14:05.300 align:middle line:90% as anyone else. 00:14:05.300 --> 00:14:08.040 align:middle line:90% Now, he wasn't moving. 00:14:08.040 --> 00:14:10.950 align:middle line:84% 'Someone egged him on,' Val said. 00:14:10.950 --> 00:14:13.290 align:middle line:84% She turned a nasty gaze on a guy sitting 00:14:13.290 --> 00:14:15.150 align:middle line:90% cross legged on the couch. 00:14:15.150 --> 00:14:17.520 align:middle line:84% His head was narrow in the middle, 00:14:17.520 --> 00:14:19.950 align:middle line:90% like a partially imploded can. 00:14:19.950 --> 00:14:21.000 align:middle line:90% He spoke. 00:14:21.000 --> 00:14:25.860 align:middle line:84% 'From now on, he's not Stu, he's stewed.' 00:14:25.860 --> 00:14:29.750 align:middle line:84% His laughter was sniggering and ratchet like. 00:14:29.750 --> 00:14:32.720 align:middle line:84% Clete asked Val for the name of the laughing man, 00:14:32.720 --> 00:14:34.370 align:middle line:90% as if he weren't right there. 00:14:34.370 --> 00:14:38.390 align:middle line:84% She answered with a single word, 'Barnett.' 00:14:38.390 --> 00:14:41.900 align:middle line:84% Clete leaned in next to me, but spoke loud enough for everyone 00:14:41.900 --> 00:14:43.280 align:middle line:90% to hear. 00:14:43.280 --> 00:14:47.520 align:middle line:84% 'We may have to teach that one a lesson,' he said. 00:14:47.520 --> 00:14:50.970 align:middle line:84% Barnett quit laughing and drank from a tall glass 00:14:50.970 --> 00:14:52.860 align:middle line:90% of something green. 00:14:52.860 --> 00:14:55.080 align:middle line:90% Clete addressed the entire room. 00:14:55.080 --> 00:14:59.580 align:middle line:84% 'Who, if anyone, knows what PCP is? 00:14:59.580 --> 00:15:01.380 align:middle line:84% A guy with a headband said he thought 00:15:01.380 --> 00:15:03.210 align:middle line:84% the active ingredient had something 00:15:03.210 --> 00:15:06.420 align:middle line:84% to do with the manufacture of fluorocarbons. 00:15:06.420 --> 00:15:09.120 align:middle line:84% None of us liked the sound of that. 00:15:09.120 --> 00:15:12.210 align:middle line:84% Clete wanted the full list of Stu's symptoms. 00:15:12.210 --> 00:15:15.390 align:middle line:84% 'He's grown really quiet,' the headband said. 00:15:15.390 --> 00:15:17.160 align:middle line:90% 'Pensive, I'd say. 00:15:17.160 --> 00:15:19.700 align:middle line:90% And he doesn't move.' 00:15:19.700 --> 00:15:21.590 align:middle line:84% They all looked at Stu, but didn't 00:15:21.590 --> 00:15:24.860 align:middle line:84% know what they were seeing, as if they had entered a cult 00:15:24.860 --> 00:15:26.810 align:middle line:84% and weren't permitted to understand what 00:15:26.810 --> 00:15:28.490 align:middle line:90% was staring them in the face. 00:15:28.490 --> 00:15:33.410 align:middle line:84% An unconscious man with his eyes open, sitting upright and rigid 00:15:33.410 --> 00:15:35.060 align:middle line:90% in an armchair. 00:15:35.060 --> 00:15:38.720 align:middle line:84% Clete wanted to know how long he'd been like this. 00:15:38.720 --> 00:15:40.610 align:middle line:90% Val checked her watch. 00:15:40.610 --> 00:15:41.960 align:middle line:90% 'Oh,' she said. 00:15:41.960 --> 00:15:44.700 align:middle line:90% 'Can it really be 10:00 PM?' 00:15:44.700 --> 00:15:47.100 align:middle line:84% 'It's 10 to 12:00,' I said, showing her. 00:15:47.100 --> 00:15:50.250 align:middle line:84% She had confused the hands on her watch. 00:15:50.250 --> 00:15:52.830 align:middle line:84% A murmur made its way around the room. 00:15:52.830 --> 00:15:55.620 align:middle line:84% Several people counted with their fingers. 00:15:55.620 --> 00:15:58.560 align:middle line:84% Stu had been comatose for six to nine hours, 00:15:58.560 --> 00:16:02.730 align:middle line:84% depending on which of his fellow travelers you trusted. 00:16:02.730 --> 00:16:05.880 align:middle line:84% Knowing the time earned me credibility in that crowd. 00:16:05.880 --> 00:16:09.450 align:middle line:90% 00:16:09.450 --> 00:16:12.360 align:middle line:84% But it made me wonder how long Clete and I had walked. 00:16:12.360 --> 00:16:15.000 align:middle line:84% I was certain the sun had been up when we started. 00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:19.290 align:middle line:84% Then I asked, 'Is there any of that stuff left?' 00:16:19.290 --> 00:16:20.490 align:middle line:90% Barnett answered. 00:16:20.490 --> 00:16:24.750 align:middle line:84% 'Stewed sucked up the last of it and licked the tray.' 00:16:24.750 --> 00:16:28.170 align:middle line:84% 'He doesn't smell so good,' Clete noted. 00:16:28.170 --> 00:16:29.910 align:middle line:84% 'Is there a hospital in this town?' 00:16:29.910 --> 00:16:32.700 align:middle line:90% I asked, adding, 'I'm new.' 00:16:32.700 --> 00:16:35.160 align:middle line:84% 'There's an on call doctor,' Val said. 00:16:35.160 --> 00:16:38.310 align:middle line:84% 'He doesn't like this kind of thing, though.' 00:16:38.310 --> 00:16:41.850 align:middle line:84% Clete held a stubby candle right up to Stu's face, 00:16:41.850 --> 00:16:44.400 align:middle line:84% staring hard into the wanky eyes. 00:16:44.400 --> 00:16:49.410 align:middle line:84% Clete said, 'Wilt thou be made whole?' 00:16:49.410 --> 00:16:51.450 align:middle line:84% It got the rachetty laugh from Barnett, 00:16:51.450 --> 00:16:53.160 align:middle line:90% but Clete was dead serious. 00:16:53.160 --> 00:16:56.310 align:middle line:84% One time in Oregon, he asked a highway patrolman 00:16:56.310 --> 00:16:58.530 align:middle line:84% who had pulled us over for driving 00:16:58.530 --> 00:17:04.380 align:middle line:84% without lights whether he didn't relish the dark world. 00:17:04.380 --> 00:17:07.200 align:middle line:84% We spent what they called a cautionary night in jail, 00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:10.440 align:middle line:84% but everyone was very nice to us. 00:17:10.440 --> 00:17:12.900 align:middle line:84% Stu made a sudden, shuddering movement 00:17:12.900 --> 00:17:15.089 align:middle line:90% with the top half of his body. 00:17:15.089 --> 00:17:18.960 align:middle line:84% He raised one arm from the chair and held it aloft, 00:17:18.960 --> 00:17:20.910 align:middle line:90% pointing to our hostess. 00:17:20.910 --> 00:17:24.240 align:middle line:90% He said, 'vvvv.' 00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:27.480 align:middle line:84% Val, as if to encourage him, tugged on her short skirt, 00:17:27.480 --> 00:17:30.090 align:middle line:84% wriggling her butt against the leather chair. 00:17:30.090 --> 00:17:32.520 align:middle line:90% The place had great furniture. 00:17:32.520 --> 00:17:34.530 align:middle line:84% A tremor passed through Stu's arm 00:17:34.530 --> 00:17:36.390 align:middle line:84% and made his hand dance, as if he 00:17:36.390 --> 00:17:39.120 align:middle line:84% had discovered something miraculous, or gotten 00:17:39.120 --> 00:17:40.560 align:middle line:90% electrocuted. 00:17:40.560 --> 00:17:45.204 align:middle line:84% His face contorted with the effort of speaking. 00:17:45.204 --> 00:17:48.760 align:middle line:90% 'V-v- Val,' he said at last. 00:17:48.760 --> 00:17:50.770 align:middle line:90% His eyes settled on Clete. 00:17:50.770 --> 00:17:52.540 align:middle line:90% 'Cluh-- cluh-- 00:17:52.540 --> 00:17:54.180 align:middle line:90% Clete.' 00:17:54.180 --> 00:17:56.880 align:middle line:84% 'Cluck like a chicken,' Barnett-- yelled. 00:17:56.880 --> 00:17:58.530 align:middle line:90% Clete turn to him. 00:17:58.530 --> 00:18:02.070 align:middle line:84% 'You should get down on your knees,' he said. 00:18:02.070 --> 00:18:05.190 align:middle line:84% A girl in a tube top and cutoffs called out, 00:18:05.190 --> 00:18:08.040 align:middle line:90% 'You insensitive bastards.' 00:18:08.040 --> 00:18:11.130 align:middle line:84% We waited for her to follow up, but she just crossed her arms 00:18:11.130 --> 00:18:13.530 align:middle line:84% and pulled her feet up onto the couch. 00:18:13.530 --> 00:18:16.650 align:middle line:84% 'She can't mean us,' I said to Clete. 00:18:16.650 --> 00:18:20.790 align:middle line:84% Stu's trembling finger indicated one person after another, 00:18:20.790 --> 00:18:24.420 align:middle line:84% moving around the room, naming the witnesses. 00:18:24.420 --> 00:18:26.550 align:middle line:90% He included the dogs. 00:18:26.550 --> 00:18:31.260 align:middle line:84% The big blond retriever, Rough, and the yappy white terrier, 00:18:31.260 --> 00:18:32.430 align:middle line:90% Ready. 00:18:32.430 --> 00:18:35.950 align:middle line:84% When he came to me, who he didn't know from Adam, he said, 00:18:35.950 --> 00:18:39.280 align:middle line:90% K-k-k- Keane.' 00:18:39.280 --> 00:18:41.800 align:middle line:84% That's how I got this name I still use. 00:18:41.800 --> 00:18:46.640 align:middle line:84% To call it an alias is only technically correct. 00:18:46.640 --> 00:18:49.430 align:middle line:84% Eventually, I went off to explore. 00:18:49.430 --> 00:18:52.100 align:middle line:84% The candlelit house had wild, watery shadows 00:18:52.100 --> 00:18:55.010 align:middle line:84% on its walls, a fickle stream of bouncing 00:18:55.010 --> 00:18:58.640 align:middle line:84% light, and insistent waves of dark, like scales of light 00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:00.770 align:middle line:90% on an actual stream. 00:19:00.770 --> 00:19:02.840 align:middle line:84% A breeze would agitate the candles, 00:19:02.840 --> 00:19:06.140 align:middle line:84% and the walls would become the wide, chopping sea. 00:19:06.140 --> 00:19:08.510 align:middle line:84% Human forms at the base of the wall, 00:19:08.510 --> 00:19:11.690 align:middle line:84% their heads upturned to watch the dreamy business, 00:19:11.690 --> 00:19:13.790 align:middle line:90% seemed to be praying. 00:19:13.790 --> 00:19:16.940 align:middle line:84% Some of them touched my shoulder, or the soft places 00:19:16.940 --> 00:19:19.730 align:middle line:84% above my hips, and said forgettable things 00:19:19.730 --> 00:19:22.480 align:middle line:84% about the brilliant, rocking light. 00:19:22.480 --> 00:19:26.800 align:middle line:84% Later, I got hungry and found a jar of maraschino cherries 00:19:26.800 --> 00:19:28.150 align:middle line:90% in the cupboard. 00:19:28.150 --> 00:19:32.240 align:middle line:84% I filled my mouth, sweetness trickling down my throat. 00:19:32.240 --> 00:19:34.630 align:middle line:84% I thought I might hunt down a bed. 00:19:34.630 --> 00:19:38.320 align:middle line:84% In the stairway, I came across the body of a dead girl 00:19:38.320 --> 00:19:41.020 align:middle line:84% and swallowed one of the cherries whole. 00:19:41.020 --> 00:19:44.530 align:middle line:84% She lay on her back, her head higher than her feet, 00:19:44.530 --> 00:19:46.930 align:middle line:84% staring through an open skylight. 00:19:46.930 --> 00:19:49.150 align:middle line:84% There were no candles on the stairs. 00:19:49.150 --> 00:19:51.220 align:middle line:90% I had to let my eyes adjust. 00:19:51.220 --> 00:19:55.990 align:middle line:84% She was dressed in a green tube top and nothing else, 00:19:55.990 --> 00:19:59.080 align:middle line:84% but the body seemed innocent, her skin 00:19:59.080 --> 00:20:02.320 align:middle line:84% as soft as the cherries that pressed against my tongue. 00:20:02.320 --> 00:20:04.840 align:middle line:90% 00:20:04.840 --> 00:20:08.980 align:middle line:84% The soles of her feet were black, and a trickle of blood 00:20:08.980 --> 00:20:11.380 align:middle line:90% ran over one pale thigh. 00:20:11.380 --> 00:20:15.160 align:middle line:84% I couldn't decide whether she had fallen down the stairs 00:20:15.160 --> 00:20:17.920 align:middle line:84% or given up on the climb and taken a seat, 00:20:17.920 --> 00:20:20.860 align:middle line:90% only to die in the process. 00:20:20.860 --> 00:20:22.750 align:middle line:84% Her face may have been in moonlight, 00:20:22.750 --> 00:20:24.910 align:middle line:90% as it was impossibly white. 00:20:24.910 --> 00:20:26.440 align:middle line:90% One thing was clear. 00:20:26.440 --> 00:20:29.650 align:middle line:84% She was not supposed to be looked at like this. 00:20:29.650 --> 00:20:33.620 align:middle line:84% I unbuttoned my shirt and draped it over her. 00:20:33.620 --> 00:20:36.260 align:middle line:90% 'Thanks,' she said. 00:20:36.260 --> 00:20:39.680 align:middle line:84% I jumped back and tumbled down the stairs to the landing, 00:20:39.680 --> 00:20:41.840 align:middle line:90% hitting the back of my head. 00:20:41.840 --> 00:20:44.570 align:middle line:84% When I came to, she was gone, and Clete 00:20:44.570 --> 00:20:46.380 align:middle line:90% was kneeling beside me. 00:20:46.380 --> 00:20:48.980 align:middle line:84% Other people were stepping over my torso 00:20:48.980 --> 00:20:51.800 align:middle line:90% to go upstairs or come down. 00:20:51.800 --> 00:20:56.030 align:middle line:84% 'These creatures have strangely human qualities,' Clete said. 00:20:56.030 --> 00:20:58.970 align:middle line:90% 'Like recuperating ghosts.' 00:20:58.970 --> 00:21:01.850 align:middle line:84% He lifted his eyes to follow their movement. 00:21:01.850 --> 00:21:05.000 align:middle line:84% Even in this situation, he and I thought of these house 00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.440 align:middle line:84% squatters with a combination of condescension and ironic pride, 00:21:09.440 --> 00:21:13.820 align:middle line:84% owing to the van and our independent living skills. 00:21:13.820 --> 00:21:15.620 align:middle line:84% 'How many people are at this shindig?' 00:21:15.620 --> 00:21:16.700 align:middle line:90% I asked. 00:21:16.700 --> 00:21:18.360 align:middle line:90% Clete didn't answer. 00:21:18.360 --> 00:21:20.690 align:middle line:84% He waited for the landing to clear, 00:21:20.690 --> 00:21:23.060 align:middle line:84% then he leaned close and whispered, 00:21:23.060 --> 00:21:26.130 align:middle line:90% 'Wilt thou be made whole?' 00:21:26.130 --> 00:21:29.820 align:middle line:90% It was time to go home. 00:21:29.820 --> 00:21:33.420 align:middle line:84% Coming down from the mushrooms, I realized how high we had been 00:21:33.420 --> 00:21:37.110 align:middle line:84% and how long it would be before we were fully grounded. 00:21:37.110 --> 00:21:39.390 align:middle line:84% Along with that came the tedious desire 00:21:39.390 --> 00:21:41.430 align:middle line:90% to have never taken the stuff. 00:21:41.430 --> 00:21:44.430 align:middle line:84% With psychedelics, there was always a lingering dissent, 00:21:44.430 --> 00:21:46.410 align:middle line:84% during which time you were not high, 00:21:46.410 --> 00:21:48.210 align:middle line:90% but could not sleep or relax. 00:21:48.210 --> 00:21:50.940 align:middle line:84% Like a hangover that begins while you're still drinking 00:21:50.940 --> 00:21:53.130 align:middle line:90% and spoils the whole evening. 00:21:53.130 --> 00:21:55.740 align:middle line:84% It comes with a bottoming out feeling. 00:21:55.740 --> 00:21:58.470 align:middle line:84% The designs you'd imagined and the new lights 00:21:58.470 --> 00:22:01.230 align:middle line:84% that you'd shed on your life grow dim and dull 00:22:01.230 --> 00:22:03.750 align:middle line:90% and disappear as you nosedive. 00:22:03.750 --> 00:22:06.570 align:middle line:84% Your mind strains to retain some sense of what 00:22:06.570 --> 00:22:09.150 align:middle line:84% it was that had you smiling and optimistic, 00:22:09.150 --> 00:22:11.250 align:middle line:90% but you can't touch it. 00:22:11.250 --> 00:22:13.590 align:middle line:84% The dream of the high, as well as the high 00:22:13.590 --> 00:22:16.620 align:middle line:84% itself, vanishes, and the asphalt cracks 00:22:16.620 --> 00:22:19.620 align:middle line:84% remind you that you're no kid, and less young 00:22:19.620 --> 00:22:21.630 align:middle line:90% with every plodding step. 00:22:21.630 --> 00:22:24.030 align:middle line:84% Hallucinating has taken you no closer 00:22:24.030 --> 00:22:28.080 align:middle line:84% to understanding what it is you mean to do with your life. 00:22:28.080 --> 00:22:30.540 align:middle line:84% Clete and I marched down the wide street 00:22:30.540 --> 00:22:33.870 align:middle line:84% to the heart of the little town, the bare streets 00:22:33.870 --> 00:22:37.350 align:middle line:84% and dark houses clucking disparagingly at us. 00:22:37.350 --> 00:22:39.720 align:middle line:84% In one window, beyond gauze curtains, 00:22:39.720 --> 00:22:42.600 align:middle line:84% an orange light licked at the dark world, 00:22:42.600 --> 00:22:46.290 align:middle line:84% and dim figures crossed and recrossed the floor. 00:22:46.290 --> 00:22:51.060 align:middle line:84% A cold wind taunted the domestic bushes along the street 00:22:51.060 --> 00:22:54.450 align:middle line:84% and made my skin prickle and bump. 00:22:54.450 --> 00:22:58.110 align:middle line:84% I had lost my shirt to the approximately dead girl 00:22:58.110 --> 00:23:01.200 align:middle line:84% and longed for shelter, my nipples turning 00:23:01.200 --> 00:23:03.990 align:middle line:90% to squat little stones. 00:23:03.990 --> 00:23:08.250 align:middle line:84% 'I should have brought my coat,' I said, maybe a hundred times. 00:23:08.250 --> 00:23:10.320 align:middle line:84% 'We're at 10,000 feet,' Clete said, 00:23:10.320 --> 00:23:13.140 align:middle line:84% removing his shirt and handing it to me. 00:23:13.140 --> 00:23:16.920 align:middle line:84% 'The nights are always cold,' He was wearing a wife beater 00:23:16.920 --> 00:23:18.450 align:middle line:90% underneath. 00:23:18.450 --> 00:23:20.970 align:middle line:84% I buttoned up the shirt, which was several times 00:23:20.970 --> 00:23:23.000 align:middle line:90% too large for me. 00:23:23.000 --> 00:23:25.730 align:middle line:84% When we turned on Main to head out of town, 00:23:25.730 --> 00:23:28.310 align:middle line:84% the sleeves rippled like a swath of skin 00:23:28.310 --> 00:23:30.530 align:middle line:90% separating from my body. 00:23:30.530 --> 00:23:32.150 align:middle line:90% Morning arrived. 00:23:32.150 --> 00:23:33.980 align:middle line:84% The sun should have heated me up, 00:23:33.980 --> 00:23:36.980 align:middle line:84% but my body held tenaciously to the cold. 00:23:36.980 --> 00:23:40.610 align:middle line:84% We stopped at a diner on the highway and ate eggs. 00:23:40.610 --> 00:23:45.110 align:middle line:84% Clete told me about the party as if I hadn't been there. 00:23:45.110 --> 00:23:48.260 align:middle line:84% Stu had come around enough to have several drinks 00:23:48.260 --> 00:23:50.510 align:middle line:90% and pass out. 00:23:50.510 --> 00:23:54.080 align:middle line:84% 'His essential movement is to seek unconsciousness,' Clete 00:23:54.080 --> 00:23:55.670 align:middle line:90% said. 00:23:55.670 --> 00:23:58.340 align:middle line:84% Our booth had bad springs which put our heads 00:23:58.340 --> 00:24:02.510 align:middle line:84% close to our eggs, a handy convenience this morning. 00:24:02.510 --> 00:24:05.810 align:middle line:84% A scrambled bit of eggs escaped my mouth and hit the plate. 00:24:05.810 --> 00:24:08.330 align:middle line:84% Its brief contact with my palate had 00:24:08.330 --> 00:24:13.550 align:middle line:84% turned it an unnatural red, the color of maraschino cherries. 00:24:13.550 --> 00:24:14.720 align:middle line:90% 'Do I look funny?' 00:24:14.720 --> 00:24:16.220 align:middle line:90% I asked Clete. 00:24:16.220 --> 00:24:17.270 align:middle line:90% Clete shrugged. 00:24:17.270 --> 00:24:21.140 align:middle line:84% 'I've known you too long to say.' 00:24:21.140 --> 00:24:24.680 align:middle line:84% The food sated something in me deeper than hunger. 00:24:24.680 --> 00:24:26.450 align:middle line:84% Three walls of the diner were made 00:24:26.450 --> 00:24:28.610 align:middle line:84% of plate glass that needed cleaning, 00:24:28.610 --> 00:24:32.000 align:middle line:84% and we spent a long time watching a smeary light shift 00:24:32.000 --> 00:24:36.170 align:middle line:84% over the pines, and aspen, and wide stretches of high grass. 00:24:36.170 --> 00:24:39.350 align:middle line:84% The waitress had big eyes and narrow shoulders. 00:24:39.350 --> 00:24:41.780 align:middle line:90% Her name tag read 'Kale.' 00:24:41.780 --> 00:24:44.900 align:middle line:84% She knew Clete, and would only talk in his ear, which 00:24:44.900 --> 00:24:47.510 align:middle line:90% made me a little paranoid. 00:24:47.510 --> 00:24:50.390 align:middle line:84% 'I'd introduce you,' he said, 'but she doesn't like talking 00:24:50.390 --> 00:24:52.460 align:middle line:90% to strangers.' 00:24:52.460 --> 00:24:55.130 align:middle line:84% 'Is this really the right line of work for her?' 00:24:55.130 --> 00:24:56.570 align:middle line:90% I asked. 00:24:56.570 --> 00:24:59.480 align:middle line:84% She went from table to table, listening and nodding, 00:24:59.480 --> 00:25:00.560 align:middle line:90% pointing to the menu. 00:25:00.560 --> 00:25:04.040 align:middle line:84% She'd whisper to one person who'd speak to the others. 00:25:04.040 --> 00:25:06.410 align:middle line:90% 'Her legs are nice,' I said. 00:25:06.410 --> 00:25:09.830 align:middle line:84% 'Every man in here is half or more in love with her,' Clete 00:25:09.830 --> 00:25:10.700 align:middle line:90% said. 00:25:10.700 --> 00:25:14.330 align:middle line:84% He got her to scrape leftover eggs onto our plates. 00:25:14.330 --> 00:25:17.270 align:middle line:84% 'This guy's omelet has a weird spice,' I said. 00:25:17.270 --> 00:25:20.360 align:middle line:84% Clete forked a bit and savored it a moment. 00:25:20.360 --> 00:25:24.200 align:middle line:90% 'Cigarette ash,' he said. 00:25:24.200 --> 00:25:26.810 align:middle line:84% We stayed in the diner until the eggs and coffee 00:25:26.810 --> 00:25:28.460 align:middle line:90% had worn down my chill. 00:25:28.460 --> 00:25:31.940 align:middle line:84% Clete paid the shy waitress, and we hit the pavement again, 00:25:31.940 --> 00:25:34.440 align:middle line:90% happy for the heat of the sun. 00:25:34.440 --> 00:25:39.230 align:middle line:84% He carried a white bag bearing the diner's logo, a possibly 00:25:39.230 --> 00:25:40.910 align:middle line:90% cross eyed elk. 00:25:40.910 --> 00:25:44.570 align:middle line:84% Inside were packets of salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard, 00:25:44.570 --> 00:25:46.970 align:middle line:90% and nondairy creamer. 00:25:46.970 --> 00:25:49.190 align:middle line:84% 20 minutes down the road, the peak 00:25:49.190 --> 00:25:52.340 align:middle line:84% of a tall, black construction crane appeared. 00:25:52.340 --> 00:25:54.620 align:middle line:84% We watched it a long time before we got 00:25:54.620 --> 00:25:56.630 align:middle line:90% close enough to see the van. 00:25:56.630 --> 00:25:59.390 align:middle line:84% At the end of the crane's long, metal wire 00:25:59.390 --> 00:26:04.490 align:middle line:84% was a big, round magnet which snapped onto the van's roof. 00:26:04.490 --> 00:26:07.520 align:middle line:84% Tireless and thoroughly defeated, the van 00:26:07.520 --> 00:26:09.470 align:middle line:90% rose up into the air. 00:26:09.470 --> 00:26:11.150 align:middle line:90% We joined the others. 00:26:11.150 --> 00:26:12.680 align:middle line:90% A crowd had gathered. 00:26:12.680 --> 00:26:16.320 align:middle line:84% And applause when it was set down on a flatbed truck. 00:26:16.320 --> 00:26:21.020 align:middle line:84% This was a terrible loss for us, but it was a great spectacle. 00:26:21.020 --> 00:26:23.930 align:middle line:84% 'We can kiss that one goodbye,' Clete said. 00:26:23.930 --> 00:26:27.590 align:middle line:84% 'My worldly possession is in there,' I said. 00:26:27.590 --> 00:26:30.560 align:middle line:84% There was nothing to do but get the bag of mushrooms and hike 00:26:30.560 --> 00:26:32.580 align:middle line:90% back to Val's. 00:26:32.580 --> 00:26:34.610 align:middle line:90% This series of events-- 00:26:34.610 --> 00:26:38.210 align:middle line:84% losing my coat, and the drugs, and other secrets and luxuries 00:26:38.210 --> 00:26:41.900 align:middle line:84% of my life, along with being given a new name by someone 00:26:41.900 --> 00:26:44.510 align:middle line:84% mumbling out of a coma, and encountering 00:26:44.510 --> 00:26:46.790 align:middle line:84% the not quite naked or dead girl to whom 00:26:46.790 --> 00:26:48.890 align:middle line:90% I gave the shirt off my back-- 00:26:48.890 --> 00:26:54.200 align:middle line:84% combined in an almost scientific way to make me swear off drugs. 00:26:54.200 --> 00:26:58.640 align:middle line:84% I was 29 years old, and wanted to change before I hit 30. 00:26:58.640 --> 00:27:02.330 align:middle line:84% Clete and I developed a plan for me as we ambled back. 00:27:02.330 --> 00:27:05.390 align:middle line:84% A plan that would work all that summer and beyond. 00:27:05.390 --> 00:27:08.030 align:middle line:84% Even after I left the mountain, it stuck. 00:27:08.030 --> 00:27:10.430 align:middle line:90% The plan had four parts. 00:27:10.430 --> 00:27:14.030 align:middle line:90% One, I would not get a job. 00:27:14.030 --> 00:27:16.040 align:middle line:84% There's always some guy with a goatee 00:27:16.040 --> 00:27:18.470 align:middle line:84% and great weed to turn you on during a break, 00:27:18.470 --> 00:27:21.590 align:middle line:84% or some friendly, braless girl tired of washing dishes 00:27:21.590 --> 00:27:24.050 align:middle line:84% or mowing the graveyard or sweeping up the pencil 00:27:24.050 --> 00:27:27.560 align:middle line:84% shavings in Rosa Parks elementary school who 00:27:27.560 --> 00:27:30.620 align:middle line:84% lights a joint or drops a line and offers to share. 00:27:30.620 --> 00:27:33.710 align:middle line:84% Work was a haven for drug users, and I couldn't risk it. 00:27:33.710 --> 00:27:36.870 align:middle line:90% 00:27:36.870 --> 00:27:41.550 align:middle line:84% Two, I'd use willpower and the help of friends who, 00:27:41.550 --> 00:27:43.860 align:middle line:84% even if high themselves, would discourage me 00:27:43.860 --> 00:27:46.290 align:middle line:90% from joining them. 00:27:46.290 --> 00:27:51.870 align:middle line:84% Three, the mushrooms, being organic and free, didn't count. 00:27:51.870 --> 00:27:55.050 align:middle line:84% Four, in order to be realistic and give the plan 00:27:55.050 --> 00:27:56.940 align:middle line:84% half a chance of working, I would 00:27:56.940 --> 00:28:00.180 align:middle line:90% stay drunk as much as possible. 00:28:00.180 --> 00:28:04.090 align:middle line:84% A few people, including you and the therapist 00:28:04.090 --> 00:28:06.210 align:middle line:84% they assigned me when you had the flu, 00:28:06.210 --> 00:28:09.270 align:middle line:84% have since pointed out that as many people are done in 00:28:09.270 --> 00:28:13.020 align:middle line:84% by booze as by any drug or family of drugs. 00:28:13.020 --> 00:28:15.450 align:middle line:84% But Clete and I saw it differently. 00:28:15.450 --> 00:28:18.870 align:middle line:84% Being drunk was a momentary lapse into happiness, 00:28:18.870 --> 00:28:22.470 align:middle line:84% like drifting off while listening to a song about sex, 00:28:22.470 --> 00:28:25.140 align:middle line:84% whereas the drugs I craved were symphonies. 00:28:25.140 --> 00:28:27.150 align:middle line:84% They played at that low level just 00:28:27.150 --> 00:28:29.040 align:middle line:90% below the timbre of thought. 00:28:29.040 --> 00:28:31.380 align:middle line:84% A mattress of sound you could sleep on 00:28:31.380 --> 00:28:33.960 align:middle line:90% for days, or a lifetime. 00:28:33.960 --> 00:28:37.050 align:middle line:84% Liquor relaxes the brain and lets the fool in you 00:28:37.050 --> 00:28:42.540 align:middle line:84% rise up, while the drugs I loved kept me still inside myself, 00:28:42.540 --> 00:28:46.940 align:middle line:84% permitting me to reside there in something like peace. 00:28:46.940 --> 00:28:49.610 align:middle line:84% That's a hard thing to give up, and it's easier 00:28:49.610 --> 00:28:51.470 align:middle line:90% if you're drunk. 00:28:51.470 --> 00:28:54.680 align:middle line:84% We moved in with Val and lived in the dog sitting 00:28:54.680 --> 00:28:56.210 align:middle line:90% house three months. 00:28:56.210 --> 00:29:01.850 align:middle line:84% Without rehab or an arrest to keep me in line, I became keen 00:29:01.850 --> 00:29:03.770 align:middle line:90% and did no drugs. 00:29:03.770 --> 00:29:06.110 align:middle line:90% You asked for a happier time. 00:29:06.110 --> 00:29:06.920 align:middle line:90% That was it." 00:29:06.920 --> 00:29:08.710 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:29:08.710 --> 00:29:22.000 align:middle line:90%