WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.260 align:middle line:90%
Thank you, Aurelie.

00:00:01.260 --> 00:00:03.460 align:middle line:90%
That was really amazing.

00:00:03.460 --> 00:00:06.750 align:middle line:84%
And thank you for
teaching the class that

00:00:06.750 --> 00:00:09.540 align:middle line:84%
made this novel, because
I definitely wouldn't

00:00:09.540 --> 00:00:12.030 align:middle line:90%
have written it without you.

00:00:12.030 --> 00:00:18.540 align:middle line:84%
And thank you Ander for
having me, everybody here.

00:00:18.540 --> 00:00:20.790 align:middle line:84%
I just had such an amazing
time at the U of A,

00:00:20.790 --> 00:00:23.400 align:middle line:84%
and the Poetry
Center in particular

00:00:23.400 --> 00:00:28.290 align:middle line:84%
is just such a wonderful place,
and I'm so happy to be back.

00:00:28.290 --> 00:00:31.710 align:middle line:84%
So also thank you early
for kind of setting me up,

00:00:31.710 --> 00:00:35.520 align:middle line:90%
setting up the story.

00:00:35.520 --> 00:00:39.330 align:middle line:84%
This is my novel, and you can
tell it was written by a woman,

00:00:39.330 --> 00:00:42.340 align:middle line:84%
because it has a picture
of a woman's face on it.

00:00:42.340 --> 00:00:46.050 align:middle line:84%
So here to balance it out
for this prose series.

00:00:46.050 --> 00:00:49.780 align:middle line:90%


00:00:49.780 --> 00:00:57.870 align:middle line:84%
So I'm going to read a
section, two sections from when

00:00:57.870 --> 00:00:59.050 align:middle line:90%
the narrator--

00:00:59.050 --> 00:01:01.050 align:middle line:84%
I'm not going to say
protagonist, because that's

00:01:01.050 --> 00:01:01.800 align:middle line:90%
kind of up to you.

00:01:01.800 --> 00:01:09.690 align:middle line:84%
But the narrator has already
sort of become semi-famous

00:01:09.690 --> 00:01:13.980 align:middle line:90%
with her boyfriend, Jim.

00:01:13.980 --> 00:01:16.830 align:middle line:84%
The first time someone
recognized us on the street,

00:01:16.830 --> 00:01:19.150 align:middle line:90%
I burst out laughing.

00:01:19.150 --> 00:01:21.390 align:middle line:84%
We were with Trish,
and we were all

00:01:21.390 --> 00:01:24.660 align:middle line:84%
drinking Bloody Marys in
an outdoor restaurant.

00:01:24.660 --> 00:01:26.400 align:middle line:84%
"You're that couple
I love," said

00:01:26.400 --> 00:01:29.250 align:middle line:90%
the girl who looked about 16.

00:01:29.250 --> 00:01:31.350 align:middle line:90%
"That's us," said Jim.

00:01:31.350 --> 00:01:32.970 align:middle line:90%
"Why did you guys stop posting?

00:01:32.970 --> 00:01:35.400 align:middle line:90%
I'm like devastated."

00:01:35.400 --> 00:01:37.620 align:middle line:90%
"We were like living," said Jim.

00:01:37.620 --> 00:01:39.720 align:middle line:90%
But it got us thinking.

00:01:39.720 --> 00:01:43.500 align:middle line:84%
We started having these regular
sort of meetings in bed,

00:01:43.500 --> 00:01:48.210 align:middle line:84%
on our laptops, art directing
what we would post about,

00:01:48.210 --> 00:01:51.210 align:middle line:84%
what we were doing,
which probably

00:01:51.210 --> 00:01:54.210 align:middle line:90%
motivated us to go out more.

00:01:54.210 --> 00:01:59.280 align:middle line:84%
We lived out endless cliches,
juice bar freaks, Vegas day

00:01:59.280 --> 00:02:05.730 align:middle line:84%
gamblers, Burning Man tradesmen,
business planners and meetings,

00:02:05.730 --> 00:02:10.259 align:middle line:84%
art stars interviewed on every
relevant site, junkies strung

00:02:10.259 --> 00:02:13.470 align:middle line:90%
out at every relevant party.

00:02:13.470 --> 00:02:16.800 align:middle line:84%
I couldn't get enough
of the sponsored events.

00:02:16.800 --> 00:02:18.660 align:middle line:84%
Sometimes there
were dance parties,

00:02:18.660 --> 00:02:22.020 align:middle line:84%
but we never danced, just
stood behind the DJ booth

00:02:22.020 --> 00:02:24.180 align:middle line:90%
with the other celebrities.

00:02:24.180 --> 00:02:27.150 align:middle line:84%
Other times they were at
museums or restaurants,

00:02:27.150 --> 00:02:30.480 align:middle line:84%
and we'd mingle and
get our picture taken.

00:02:30.480 --> 00:02:32.280 align:middle line:84%
At a gallery opening
in Silver Lake,

00:02:32.280 --> 00:02:35.580 align:middle line:84%
I recognized a
socialite, Kira Conner,

00:02:35.580 --> 00:02:38.220 align:middle line:84%
who was turning into
an art collector

00:02:38.220 --> 00:02:41.820 align:middle line:90%
now that she was in her 40s.

00:02:41.820 --> 00:02:44.880 align:middle line:84%
I always respected
her for some reason.

00:02:44.880 --> 00:02:49.360 align:middle line:84%
At the bar, I got her attention
by complimenting her clothing.

00:02:49.360 --> 00:02:50.310 align:middle line:90%
"I know who you are.

00:02:50.310 --> 00:02:53.910 align:middle line:84%
I've been meaning to get in
touch with you," she said.

00:02:53.910 --> 00:02:55.500 align:middle line:90%
"Me?"

00:02:55.500 --> 00:02:57.960 align:middle line:84%
"You're dating what's
his face," she slurred.

00:02:57.960 --> 00:03:00.570 align:middle line:90%
"Enjoy it while you can."

00:03:00.570 --> 00:03:04.020 align:middle line:84%
"I'm enjoying every
minute of it," I said.

00:03:04.020 --> 00:03:05.580 align:middle line:84%
"You can never
really live as much

00:03:05.580 --> 00:03:08.670 align:middle line:84%
as you'd like to
while you're able to."

00:03:08.670 --> 00:03:11.910 align:middle line:84%
"Jim's of the same
mind," I said.

00:03:11.910 --> 00:03:13.170 align:middle line:90%
"Who is this guy anyway?

00:03:13.170 --> 00:03:15.300 align:middle line:90%
What does he do?"

00:03:15.300 --> 00:03:18.760 align:middle line:84%
"Didn't you know who he was
before you knew who I was?"

00:03:18.760 --> 00:03:20.460 align:middle line:90%
"No, I didn't."

00:03:20.460 --> 00:03:22.380 align:middle line:90%
She held my hand.

00:03:22.380 --> 00:03:24.570 align:middle line:90%
Remember that.

00:03:24.570 --> 00:03:27.750 align:middle line:84%
Jim walked up behind
me, so I knew she'd

00:03:27.750 --> 00:03:29.670 align:middle line:90%
seen him coming before I did.

00:03:29.670 --> 00:03:35.093 align:middle line:84%
She took the drink out of
my hand and finished it.

00:03:35.093 --> 00:03:36.510 align:middle line:84%
"Would you like
another, darling?"

00:03:36.510 --> 00:03:37.830 align:middle line:90%
Jim asked.

00:03:37.830 --> 00:03:39.750 align:middle line:90%
"Always," I said.

00:03:39.750 --> 00:03:42.300 align:middle line:84%
"It was lovely meeting
you," Kira Conner

00:03:42.300 --> 00:03:46.905 align:middle line:84%
said, walking away before
I could introduce her.

00:03:46.905 --> 00:03:48.030 align:middle line:90%
"Do you know who that was?"

00:03:48.030 --> 00:03:49.170 align:middle line:90%
I asked.

00:03:49.170 --> 00:03:51.330 align:middle line:90%
"No, do you?"

00:03:51.330 --> 00:03:54.000 align:middle line:90%
"Yeah, she's like my hero."

00:03:54.000 --> 00:03:56.400 align:middle line:84%
After that, we went to
a nightclub downtown

00:03:56.400 --> 00:03:58.560 align:middle line:84%
and watched a massive
crowd jump up and down

00:03:58.560 --> 00:04:03.580 align:middle line:84%
to minimal techno beats from
a balcony with bottle service.

00:04:03.580 --> 00:04:05.850 align:middle line:90%
"Maybe we should dance," I said.

00:04:05.850 --> 00:04:07.380 align:middle line:90%
"I don't dance," said Jim.

00:04:07.380 --> 00:04:08.970 align:middle line:90%
"You know that."

00:04:08.970 --> 00:04:10.470 align:middle line:90%
"I don't either," I said.

00:04:10.470 --> 00:04:13.650 align:middle line:84%
"But I don't really
know what I do."

00:04:13.650 --> 00:04:17.279 align:middle line:84%
"We should fuck in the bathroom,
then go back to the hotel.

00:04:17.279 --> 00:04:18.450 align:middle line:90%
I'm getting bored of LA.

00:04:18.450 --> 00:04:20.310 align:middle line:90%
Aren't you?"

00:04:20.310 --> 00:04:22.110 align:middle line:90%
"Totally."

00:04:22.110 --> 00:04:26.610 align:middle line:84%
I meant it when I said it but
hadn't been thinking it before.

00:04:26.610 --> 00:04:28.800 align:middle line:84%
At our next meeting,
we hired a manager

00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:30.730 align:middle line:84%
who would take us
all over the country

00:04:30.730 --> 00:04:34.350 align:middle line:84%
so we could get paid to host
parties in other places.

00:04:34.350 --> 00:04:35.530 align:middle line:90%
It would be easy.

00:04:35.530 --> 00:04:38.610 align:middle line:84%
We had so many friends in
so many places and now a ton

00:04:38.610 --> 00:04:40.710 align:middle line:90%
of endorsements.

00:04:40.710 --> 00:04:44.040 align:middle line:84%
One day I woke up and we
were in another hotel room

00:04:44.040 --> 00:04:47.760 align:middle line:84%
on a tour that started up the
coast and then crossed over.

00:04:47.760 --> 00:04:50.580 align:middle line:84%
Every night we were
sharing our feelings

00:04:50.580 --> 00:04:53.790 align:middle line:84%
with strangers in San
Francisco, Seattle, Portland,

00:04:53.790 --> 00:04:56.310 align:middle line:84%
speaking with everyone
who wanted in,

00:04:56.310 --> 00:05:00.390 align:middle line:84%
or who were jealous of
us, or just as happy.

00:05:00.390 --> 00:05:02.610 align:middle line:84%
Every night I walked
to the ice machine

00:05:02.610 --> 00:05:07.140 align:middle line:84%
from each room making fists
and whispering, yes, yes, yes.

00:05:07.140 --> 00:05:10.230 align:middle line:84%
It was all so easy and
only getting easier.

00:05:10.230 --> 00:05:13.560 align:middle line:84%
This was really my life, and
I was really in love and rich,

00:05:13.560 --> 00:05:16.980 align:middle line:84%
and I'd never go back to
where I came from ever.

00:05:16.980 --> 00:05:18.840 align:middle line:84%
We were on the road
in Montana when

00:05:18.840 --> 00:05:22.140 align:middle line:84%
I thought some things about Jim
bothered me enough to mention,

00:05:22.140 --> 00:05:25.770 align:middle line:84%
and I was struck with fear
that our relationship was

00:05:25.770 --> 00:05:28.110 align:middle line:90%
like others.

00:05:28.110 --> 00:05:30.870 align:middle line:90%
How stupid could I be?

00:05:30.870 --> 00:05:34.140 align:middle line:84%
I had left everyone I knew
behind for this one thing,

00:05:34.140 --> 00:05:36.690 align:middle line:84%
and I was banking on it
being supremely different

00:05:36.690 --> 00:05:38.700 align:middle line:90%
from the rest.

00:05:38.700 --> 00:05:40.890 align:middle line:84%
I walked to the
ice machine upset,

00:05:40.890 --> 00:05:44.910 align:middle line:84%
and my anger turned
into self-pity.

00:05:44.910 --> 00:05:48.810 align:middle line:84%
How could I be unhappy now
when things were so perfect?

00:05:48.810 --> 00:05:52.230 align:middle line:84%
Obviously, that meant I
would always be unhappy.

00:05:52.230 --> 00:05:54.120 align:middle line:84%
And after thinking
such a dark thought,

00:05:54.120 --> 00:05:56.220 align:middle line:90%
I found myself smiling.

00:05:56.220 --> 00:05:59.040 align:middle line:84%
It was a good thing, at least,
that I hadn't gotten so lost

00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:02.400 align:middle line:84%
in love and fame that I couldn't
come across these feelings

00:06:02.400 --> 00:06:03.450 align:middle line:90%
of my very own.

00:06:03.450 --> 00:06:08.070 align:middle line:90%


00:06:08.070 --> 00:06:13.920 align:middle line:84%
And then later she
and Jim break up,

00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:17.250 align:middle line:84%
and it was because
of an affair, she's

00:06:17.250 --> 00:06:19.260 align:middle line:90%
very jealous of the new woman.

00:06:19.260 --> 00:06:22.970 align:middle line:90%


00:06:22.970 --> 00:06:25.010 align:middle line:84%
Every day I got
messages from people

00:06:25.010 --> 00:06:26.690 align:middle line:84%
I knew in high
school, or college,

00:06:26.690 --> 00:06:28.040 align:middle line:90%
or from my old friends.

00:06:28.040 --> 00:06:31.210 align:middle line:90%


00:06:31.210 --> 00:06:33.340 align:middle line:84%
I knew exactly where
Julia was whenever

00:06:33.340 --> 00:06:36.220 align:middle line:90%
I wanted to, for example.

00:06:36.220 --> 00:06:40.630 align:middle line:84%
She had a kid, and she
was angry at the father.

00:06:40.630 --> 00:06:43.990 align:middle line:84%
Every day someone else
found a way to find me.

00:06:43.990 --> 00:06:46.750 align:middle line:84%
Sam said, "looks like
you're doing good,"

00:06:46.750 --> 00:06:49.720 align:middle line:84%
and I didn't even want
to know what that meant.

00:06:49.720 --> 00:06:52.120 align:middle line:90%
What part of this looked good?

00:06:52.120 --> 00:06:56.830 align:middle line:84%
What part did people see who
weren't already involved?

00:06:56.830 --> 00:07:00.460 align:middle line:84%
My best friend in high school,
Alberto, the one gay kid,

00:07:00.460 --> 00:07:02.590 align:middle line:90%
emailed me constantly.

00:07:02.590 --> 00:07:05.420 align:middle line:84%
He was going to come to
one of my killer parties

00:07:05.420 --> 00:07:07.210 align:middle line:90%
one of these days.

00:07:07.210 --> 00:07:09.850 align:middle line:90%
He always knew I'd make it.

00:07:09.850 --> 00:07:13.390 align:middle line:84%
I got messages from guys who
remembered having a crush,

00:07:13.390 --> 00:07:16.960 align:middle line:84%
or ones who had never met
me but now had a crush,

00:07:16.960 --> 00:07:19.900 align:middle line:84%
or people who thought I was the
ugliest, most disgusting thing

00:07:19.900 --> 00:07:22.150 align:middle line:90%
they'd ever encountered.

00:07:22.150 --> 00:07:25.000 align:middle line:84%
Nothing from Lucinda,
who was chopping meat

00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:29.020 align:middle line:84%
with a new knife as
her boyfriend watched.

00:07:29.020 --> 00:07:31.780 align:middle line:84%
Today there was no
party, just a rest

00:07:31.780 --> 00:07:34.570 align:middle line:90%
in a tiny New Mexican hotel.

00:07:34.570 --> 00:07:38.260 align:middle line:84%
I learned to masturbate in the
bathtub because of touring.

00:07:38.260 --> 00:07:40.390 align:middle line:84%
I couldn't masturbate
without pornography

00:07:40.390 --> 00:07:42.850 align:middle line:84%
and without
picturing Jim though.

00:07:42.850 --> 00:07:44.890 align:middle line:84%
Sometimes the scenes
were elaborate,

00:07:44.890 --> 00:07:48.640 align:middle line:84%
his hands tied over his
head, me straddling his face,

00:07:48.640 --> 00:07:52.030 align:middle line:84%
his disproportionately large
hands holding my waist,

00:07:52.030 --> 00:07:55.600 align:middle line:84%
me clutching his throat
as he shut his eyes

00:07:55.600 --> 00:07:58.960 align:middle line:84%
and opened his
lips, his shoulders

00:07:58.960 --> 00:08:02.290 align:middle line:90%
jerking upward in spasms.

00:08:02.290 --> 00:08:03.670 align:middle line:84%
I came out of the
bathroom to see

00:08:03.670 --> 00:08:07.240 align:middle line:90%
Mack on his laptop, Jim gone.

00:08:07.240 --> 00:08:11.470 align:middle line:84%
I popped my towel-wrapped head
against a thickly painted wall

00:08:11.470 --> 00:08:13.780 align:middle line:90%
and opened my own computer.

00:08:13.780 --> 00:08:17.740 align:middle line:84%
Strange how only the shittiest
hotels have free Wi-Fi.

00:08:17.740 --> 00:08:21.340 align:middle line:84%
Still shaking the water from my
ears onto the folds of my robe,

00:08:21.340 --> 00:08:23.950 align:middle line:90%
I looked at Lucinda's blog.

00:08:23.950 --> 00:08:25.300 align:middle line:90%
It hadn't been updated.

00:08:25.300 --> 00:08:27.640 align:middle line:84%
I googled her name
and clicked news.

00:08:27.640 --> 00:08:32.289 align:middle line:84%
The first item listed a
few hours old about a party

00:08:32.289 --> 00:08:33.490 align:middle line:90%
that she had attended.

00:08:33.490 --> 00:08:36.370 align:middle line:84%
After the atmosphere, photos
came with sure explanation

00:08:36.370 --> 00:08:41.200 align:middle line:84%
about my and Jim's relationship,
or breakup, and our reunion.

00:08:41.200 --> 00:08:45.280 align:middle line:84%
The following were
definitely taken by Jim.

00:08:45.280 --> 00:08:47.200 align:middle line:84%
When did he have enough
time away from me

00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:50.830 align:middle line:84%
to be alone with her long enough
to take all these pictures?

00:08:50.830 --> 00:08:53.800 align:middle line:84%
Even when Lucinda wasn't
smiling, she was trying not to

00:08:53.800 --> 00:08:56.680 align:middle line:84%
and looking at the photographer,
then rolling her eyes,

00:08:56.680 --> 00:08:59.560 align:middle line:90%
something I could never achieve.

00:08:59.560 --> 00:09:04.120 align:middle line:84%
Jim was amazing in that he
could make a nobody a star.

00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:05.950 align:middle line:84%
I used to have
boyfriends in high school

00:09:05.950 --> 00:09:08.770 align:middle line:84%
who were older and dropouts
and who had nothing better

00:09:08.770 --> 00:09:12.220 align:middle line:84%
to do than to be near
me and to fuck me.

00:09:12.220 --> 00:09:15.430 align:middle line:84%
It felt like I was pushing
them away, playing hard to get,

00:09:15.430 --> 00:09:17.350 align:middle line:84%
and it felt like
I didn't like sex

00:09:17.350 --> 00:09:20.920 align:middle line:84%
as much as they did, because
they would bring it up.

00:09:20.920 --> 00:09:23.380 align:middle line:84%
It's hard to admit this,
but none of those feelings

00:09:23.380 --> 00:09:24.680 align:middle line:90%
were real.

00:09:24.680 --> 00:09:26.860 align:middle line:84%
I was just as interested
in them as they were

00:09:26.860 --> 00:09:28.870 align:middle line:90%
in me, if not more so.

00:09:28.870 --> 00:09:32.050 align:middle line:84%
They probably cheated on me
with people their own age,

00:09:32.050 --> 00:09:34.600 align:middle line:84%
or were cheating on
people their age with me.

00:09:34.600 --> 00:09:37.355 align:middle line:84%
And they probably weren't
as excited about sex with me

00:09:37.355 --> 00:09:39.730 align:middle line:84%
as much as they were excited
about sex with a high school

00:09:39.730 --> 00:09:40.510 align:middle line:90%
girl.

00:09:40.510 --> 00:09:42.640 align:middle line:84%
I was busy with
homework, or grounded,

00:09:42.640 --> 00:09:44.140 align:middle line:84%
or just hard to
reach because it was

00:09:44.140 --> 00:09:46.270 align:middle line:84%
hard to reach high
schoolers back then,

00:09:46.270 --> 00:09:49.180 align:middle line:90%
before cell phones or email.

00:09:49.180 --> 00:09:51.430 align:middle line:84%
And everything was
perfect, because it

00:09:51.430 --> 00:09:53.980 align:middle line:84%
was like I was a
glamorous, energetic woman

00:09:53.980 --> 00:09:57.310 align:middle line:84%
with sex-crazed men
buzzing around me.

00:09:57.310 --> 00:09:59.650 align:middle line:84%
Maybe that was the case,
and either way, things

00:09:59.650 --> 00:10:01.480 align:middle line:90%
can't stay like that.

00:10:01.480 --> 00:10:03.760 align:middle line:84%
And I'm not even sad
about that part changing,

00:10:03.760 --> 00:10:06.130 align:middle line:84%
just sad that now
I'm the one who

00:10:06.130 --> 00:10:08.800 align:middle line:84%
wants what's hard
to get, especially

00:10:08.800 --> 00:10:11.080 align:middle line:90%
since I know how stupid it is.

00:10:11.080 --> 00:10:13.510 align:middle line:84%
I want something I
don't want, which

00:10:13.510 --> 00:10:17.290 align:middle line:84%
is people asserting an
idea I have about myself,

00:10:17.290 --> 00:10:20.230 align:middle line:84%
stroking my ego, and touching
me with the sole intention

00:10:20.230 --> 00:10:21.970 align:middle line:90%
of pleasuring me.

00:10:21.970 --> 00:10:24.460 align:middle line:84%
What a stupid thing to
want since people who do

00:10:24.460 --> 00:10:25.930 align:middle line:90%
that are gross.

00:10:25.930 --> 00:10:29.680 align:middle line:84%
People who watch and do not
want to be watched, people who

00:10:29.680 --> 00:10:32.380 align:middle line:90%
listen and do not want to talk.

00:10:32.380 --> 00:10:35.380 align:middle line:84%
People who live vicariously
are just perverts,

00:10:35.380 --> 00:10:38.380 align:middle line:84%
and no one should
want them around.

00:10:38.380 --> 00:10:39.930 align:middle line:90%
Thanks.

00:10:39.930 --> 00:10:42.000 align:middle line:90%