WEBVTT

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The book is, as
Dorian said, 369 pages

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that follow trying to explore
the implications, the comedies,

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the tragedies, the spaces of
that particular statement.

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So one never thought,
would one, that one

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would think in nostalgic
terms about George W. Bush,

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but the current
occupant makes George W.

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Bush look, by comparison,
like Sir Thomas More.

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[LAUGHTER]

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And I can't help but
read a short essay

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I wrote about Bush a while ago
after Bush's presidency called

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"Negotiating Against Myself."

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"It's hard now to reanimate how
viscerally so many people hated

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George W. Bush a decade ago.

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But looking back on
him now, I remember him

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as a homebody, somebody
who doesn't like to travel,

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travels with his pillow,
is addicted to eight hours

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of sleep a night.

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So am I.

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In India, he wasn't
sufficiently curious to go

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see the Taj Mahal.

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I must admit I could imagine
doing the same thing.

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For his New Year's
resolution nine months

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after invading Iraq, he said
he wanted to eat fewer sweets.

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He was widely and
justifiably mocked

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for this, but that was my
New Year's resolution"--

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[LAUGHTER]

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"--the same year.

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He pretends to love his
father, but he hates him.

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He pretends to admire his
mother, but he reviles her.

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When the Dutch translator
of my novel Dead Languages

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asked if, quote, 'Daddums'
could be translated as, quote,

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molten fool, I said,
yeah, pretty much."

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[LAUGHTER]

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"He finds Nancy Pelosi
sexy, but he won't admit it.

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Compare this to my
former fascination

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with Michelle Bachmann."

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The room temperature
suddenly goes down.

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[LAUGHTER]

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"He outsources
every task he can.

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He walked into Condi Rice's
office and said, fuck Saddam.

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He's going down.

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I must admit I could
imagine saying that.

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He loves to watch
football and eat pretzels.

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He did everything
he could to avoid

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serving during the Vietnam War.

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In 1974, when the war
and draft were long over,

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I registered as a
conscientious objector.

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As do I, he prides
himself on being

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able to assess
people immediately

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based on their body language.

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When he has the
tactical advantage,

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he presses it to the limit.

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When he's outflanked, he's
unattractively defensive.

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I don't negotiate
against myself.

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I'm incapable of embodying
this Bush apercu,

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but I quote it at
least once a month.

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He's not very knowledgeable
about the world.

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He has trouble pronouncing
the names of foreign leaders.

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He's obsessed with losing
those last 10 pounds.

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He's remarkably
tongue-tied in public,

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but supposedly relatively
smart in private.

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He had a lower SAT score
than most of his Ivy League

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classmates did.

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So did I.

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He wildly overvalues the
poetry in motion of athletes.

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He once said he couldn't imagine
what it's like to be poor.

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I have trouble reading books
by people whose sensibility is

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wildly divergent from my own.

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He wasted his youth in a
fog of alcohol and drugs.

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I didn't do this, but
sometimes I pretend I did."

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[LAUGHTER]

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"He reads a newspaper by
glancing at the headlines, more

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or less what I do.

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He loves to get
summaries of things,

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rather than reading
the thing itself.

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He's never happier than in
the box seat of a ballpark.

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He takes way too much
pride in throwing

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the ceremonial first pitch
over the plate for a strike.

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He's slightly under 6 feet
tall but pretends he is 6 feet.

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I'm barely 6 feet
and claim to be 6'1".

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He's scared to death of dying.

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He was too easily seduced
by Tony Blair's patter,

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as was I. His wife is
smarter than he is by a lot.

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Asked by the White
House Press Corps what

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he was going to give
Laura for her birthday,

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he tilted his head and
raised his eyebrows,

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conveying unmistakably, I'm
going to give it to her."

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I know people are skeptical,
but watch the video.

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[LAUGHTER]

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"He is intimidated by
his father's friends.

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He can express his affection
most easily to dogs.

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He finds the metallics
of war erotic.

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His knees are no
damn good anymore,

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so he can't jog and has taken
up another sport, biking.

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For me, swimming.

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He loves nicknames.

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He's not a good administrator.

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He views politics
as a sporting event.

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He resents The New York
Times's diminished but still

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undeniable role in national life
as pseudo impartial arbiter.

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My most recent book is a
critique of the same paper's

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front page war photography.

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In a crisis, he freezes
up, has no idea what to do,

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thinks first of his own safety.

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Note how I responded to the
2001 Nisqually earthquake.

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He just wants to be
secure and taken care of

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and left alone, pretty
much my impulses.

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Asked what he was most proud
of during his presidency,

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he said, catching
a 7-pound bass."

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[LAUGHTER]

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"Asked in 2011 what's
on George's mind now,

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Laura said, he's always
worried about our small lake,

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whether it's stocked with
bass, because he loves to fish.

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There's always some concern.

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It's too hot.

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It's too cold.

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Are the fish not
getting enough feed?

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That's what he worries about.

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He's lazy.

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It goes without saying.

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He hates to admit he is wrong.

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Every quality I
despise in George Bush

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is a quality I
despise in myself.

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He is my worst self realized.

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G.K. Chesterton asked, what
is wrong with the world,

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pointed at himself,
and said, I am."

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[APPLAUSE]