The book is, as Dorian said, 369 pages
that follow trying to explore the implications, the comedies,
the tragedies, the spaces of that particular statement.
So one never thought, would one, that one
would think in nostalgic terms about George W. Bush,
but the current occupant makes George W.
Bush look, by comparison, like Sir Thomas More.
[LAUGHTER]
And I can't help but read a short essay
I wrote about Bush a while ago after Bush's presidency called
"Negotiating Against Myself."
"It's hard now to reanimate how viscerally so many people hated
George W. Bush a decade ago.
But looking back on him now, I remember him
as a homebody, somebody who doesn't like to travel,
travels with his pillow, is addicted to eight hours
of sleep a night.
So am I.
In India, he wasn't sufficiently curious to go
see the Taj Mahal.
I must admit I could imagine doing the same thing.
For his New Year's resolution nine months
after invading Iraq, he said he wanted to eat fewer sweets.
He was widely and justifiably mocked
for this, but that was my New Year's resolution"--
[LAUGHTER]
"--the same year.
He pretends to love his father, but he hates him.
He pretends to admire his mother, but he reviles her.
When the Dutch translator of my novel Dead Languages
asked if, quote, 'Daddums' could be translated as, quote,
molten fool, I said, yeah, pretty much."
[LAUGHTER]
"He finds Nancy Pelosi sexy, but he won't admit it.
Compare this to my former fascination
with Michelle Bachmann."
The room temperature suddenly goes down.
[LAUGHTER]
"He outsources every task he can.
He walked into Condi Rice's office and said, fuck Saddam.
He's going down.
I must admit I could imagine saying that.
He loves to watch football and eat pretzels.
He did everything he could to avoid
serving during the Vietnam War.
In 1974, when the war and draft were long over,
I registered as a conscientious objector.
As do I, he prides himself on being
able to assess people immediately
based on their body language.
When he has the tactical advantage,
he presses it to the limit.
When he's outflanked, he's unattractively defensive.
I don't negotiate against myself.
I'm incapable of embodying this Bush apercu,
but I quote it at least once a month.
He's not very knowledgeable about the world.
He has trouble pronouncing the names of foreign leaders.
He's obsessed with losing those last 10 pounds.
He's remarkably tongue-tied in public,
but supposedly relatively smart in private.
He had a lower SAT score than most of his Ivy League
classmates did.
So did I.
He wildly overvalues the poetry in motion of athletes.
He once said he couldn't imagine what it's like to be poor.
I have trouble reading books by people whose sensibility is
wildly divergent from my own.
He wasted his youth in a fog of alcohol and drugs.
I didn't do this, but sometimes I pretend I did."
[LAUGHTER]
"He reads a newspaper by glancing at the headlines, more
or less what I do.
He loves to get summaries of things,
rather than reading the thing itself.
He's never happier than in the box seat of a ballpark.
He takes way too much pride in throwing
the ceremonial first pitch over the plate for a strike.
He's slightly under 6 feet tall but pretends he is 6 feet.
I'm barely 6 feet and claim to be 6'1".
He's scared to death of dying.
He was too easily seduced by Tony Blair's patter,
as was I. His wife is smarter than he is by a lot.
Asked by the White House Press Corps what
he was going to give Laura for her birthday,
he tilted his head and raised his eyebrows,
conveying unmistakably, I'm going to give it to her."
I know people are skeptical, but watch the video.
[LAUGHTER]
"He is intimidated by his father's friends.
He can express his affection most easily to dogs.
He finds the metallics of war erotic.
His knees are no damn good anymore,
so he can't jog and has taken up another sport, biking.
For me, swimming.
He loves nicknames.
He's not a good administrator.
He views politics as a sporting event.
He resents The New York Times's diminished but still
undeniable role in national life as pseudo impartial arbiter.
My most recent book is a critique of the same paper's
front page war photography.
In a crisis, he freezes up, has no idea what to do,
thinks first of his own safety.
Note how I responded to the 2001 Nisqually earthquake.
He just wants to be secure and taken care of
and left alone, pretty much my impulses.
Asked what he was most proud of during his presidency,
he said, catching a 7-pound bass."
[LAUGHTER]
"Asked in 2011 what's on George's mind now,
Laura said, he's always worried about our small lake,
whether it's stocked with bass, because he loves to fish.
There's always some concern.
It's too hot.
It's too cold.
Are the fish not getting enough feed?
That's what he worries about.
He's lazy.
It goes without saying.
He hates to admit he is wrong.
Every quality I despise in George Bush
is a quality I despise in myself.
He is my worst self realized.
G.K. Chesterton asked, what is wrong with the world,
pointed at himself, and said, I am."
[APPLAUSE]