WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.700 align:middle line:84% I'm going to start with a little bit from that, 00:00:02.700 --> 00:00:06.390 align:middle line:84% and then I'll move on to the new thing. 00:00:06.390 --> 00:00:10.425 align:middle line:84% So not too much introduction needed for this. 00:00:10.425 --> 00:00:14.070 align:middle line:84% This is just, sort of, in the middle of Dept. of Speculation. 00:00:14.070 --> 00:00:17.100 align:middle line:84% And all you really need to know is that the narrator is 00:00:17.100 --> 00:00:23.910 align:middle line:84% a wife, and a mother, and once thought 00:00:23.910 --> 00:00:25.920 align:middle line:84% she was going to be an art monster, 00:00:25.920 --> 00:00:27.720 align:middle line:84% and never get married or be a mother. 00:00:27.720 --> 00:00:30.600 align:middle line:90% 00:00:30.600 --> 00:00:32.970 align:middle line:90% Chapter 12. 00:00:32.970 --> 00:00:37.110 align:middle line:90% "Advice for wives circa 1896-- 00:00:37.110 --> 00:00:39.450 align:middle line:84% the indiscriminate reading of novels 00:00:39.450 --> 00:00:41.940 align:middle line:84% is one of the most injurious habits to which 00:00:41.940 --> 00:00:44.520 align:middle line:90% a married woman can be subject. 00:00:44.520 --> 00:00:48.300 align:middle line:84% Besides the false views of human nature it will impart, 00:00:48.300 --> 00:00:52.140 align:middle line:84% it produces an indifference to domestic duties, 00:00:52.140 --> 00:00:56.700 align:middle line:84% and a contempt for ordinary realities. 00:00:56.700 --> 00:00:58.350 align:middle line:90% It's true. 00:00:58.350 --> 00:01:01.680 align:middle line:84% I'm feeble-minded at the grocery store. 00:01:01.680 --> 00:01:03.990 align:middle line:84% I write lists that I forget, buy things 00:01:03.990 --> 00:01:06.000 align:middle line:90% we don't need or already have. 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:07.800 align:middle line:84% Later, my husband will say, did you 00:01:07.800 --> 00:01:10.380 align:middle line:84% get toilet paper, did you get ketchup, did you get garlic, 00:01:10.380 --> 00:01:13.110 align:middle line:84% and I will say, no, no, I forgot, 00:01:13.110 --> 00:01:16.050 align:middle line:84% sorry, here is some butterscotch pudding and some toothpicks 00:01:16.050 --> 00:01:18.960 align:middle line:90% and some whiskey sour mix. 00:01:18.960 --> 00:01:22.200 align:middle line:84% But for now my daughter and I stand shivering 00:01:22.200 --> 00:01:24.330 align:middle line:90% in front of the meat case. 00:01:24.330 --> 00:01:26.860 align:middle line:84% 'I'm cold,' she says, 'Why can't we go? 00:01:26.860 --> 00:01:29.790 align:middle line:90% Why do we have to stand here?" 00:01:29.790 --> 00:01:33.420 align:middle line:84% There is some kind of meat I am supposed to buy." 00:01:33.420 --> 00:01:35.270 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:01:35.270 --> 00:01:42.660 align:middle line:84% "A kind of meat to go in a meat recipe. 00:01:42.660 --> 00:01:44.550 align:middle line:84% 'We can go soon,' I say. 'Just wait. 00:01:44.550 --> 00:01:46.050 align:middle line:90% Let me think for a minute. 00:01:46.050 --> 00:01:49.740 align:middle line:90% You're not letting me think.' 00:01:49.740 --> 00:01:53.520 align:middle line:84% So lately I've been having this recurring dream-- 00:01:53.520 --> 00:01:56.707 align:middle line:84% in it, my husband breaks up with me at a party, saying, 00:01:56.707 --> 00:01:57.540 align:middle line:90% I'll tell you later. 00:01:57.540 --> 00:02:00.270 align:middle line:90% Don't pester me. 00:02:00.270 --> 00:02:03.960 align:middle line:84% But when I tell him this, he grows peevish. 00:02:03.960 --> 00:02:05.730 align:middle line:90% 'We're married, remember? 00:02:05.730 --> 00:02:09.060 align:middle line:84% Nobody's breaking up with anybody.' 00:02:09.060 --> 00:02:12.700 align:middle line:90% 'I love autumn,' she says. 00:02:12.700 --> 00:02:15.870 align:middle line:84% 'Look at the beautiful autumn leaves. 00:02:15.870 --> 00:02:18.870 align:middle line:90% It feels like autumn today. 00:02:18.870 --> 00:02:22.350 align:middle line:84% Is autumn your favorite time of year?' 00:02:22.350 --> 00:02:25.290 align:middle line:84% She stops walking and tugs at my sleeve. 'Mommy, mommy! 00:02:25.290 --> 00:02:26.310 align:middle line:90% You are not noticing. 00:02:26.310 --> 00:02:27.810 align:middle line:90% I'm using a new word. 00:02:27.810 --> 00:02:31.290 align:middle line:84% I say autumn now instead of fall.' 00:02:31.290 --> 00:02:34.710 align:middle line:90% 00:02:34.710 --> 00:02:37.740 align:middle line:84% I run into an acquaintance on the street, someone 00:02:37.740 --> 00:02:39.690 align:middle line:90% I haven't seen in years. 00:02:39.690 --> 00:02:42.390 align:middle line:84% When I knew him, we were both young. 00:02:42.390 --> 00:02:46.560 align:middle line:84% He edited a literary magazine and I sometimes wrote for him. 00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:50.490 align:middle line:84% He had a motorcycle but married early, both of which 00:02:50.490 --> 00:02:52.120 align:middle line:90% impressed me. 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:54.030 align:middle line:90% He is still very handsome. 00:02:54.030 --> 00:02:58.230 align:middle line:84% As we talk, I discover he has a child now too. 00:02:58.230 --> 00:03:01.980 align:middle line:84% 'I think I must have missed your second book,' he says. 00:03:01.980 --> 00:03:03.660 align:middle line:90% 'No,' I say. 00:03:03.660 --> 00:03:05.430 align:middle line:90% 'There isn't one.' 00:03:05.430 --> 00:03:07.110 align:middle line:90% He looks uncomfortable. 00:03:07.110 --> 00:03:11.370 align:middle line:84% Both of us are calculating the years or maybe only I am. 00:03:11.370 --> 00:03:15.120 align:middle line:84% 'Did something happen?' he says kindly after a moment. 00:03:15.120 --> 00:03:16.800 align:middle line:90% 'Yes,' I explain. 00:03:16.800 --> 00:03:20.820 align:middle line:90% 00:03:20.820 --> 00:03:24.900 align:middle line:84% That night, I bring up the old art monster plan. 00:03:24.900 --> 00:03:29.850 align:middle line:84% 'Road not taken,' my husband says. 00:03:29.850 --> 00:03:32.490 align:middle line:90% 13. 00:03:32.490 --> 00:03:34.440 align:middle line:84% I had this idea in the middle of the night 00:03:34.440 --> 00:03:38.520 align:middle line:84% that maybe I could stop writing a hack book for the almost 00:03:38.520 --> 00:03:43.020 align:middle line:84% astronaut and get a job writing fortune cookies instead. 00:03:43.020 --> 00:03:45.990 align:middle line:84% I could try to write really American ones. 00:03:45.990 --> 00:03:48.960 align:middle line:84% Already I've jotted down a few of them. 00:03:48.960 --> 00:03:52.170 align:middle line:90% Objects create happiness. 00:03:52.170 --> 00:03:55.830 align:middle line:84% The animals are pleased to be of use. 00:03:55.830 --> 00:03:58.980 align:middle line:90% Your cities will shine forever. 00:03:58.980 --> 00:04:02.370 align:middle line:90% Death will not touch you. 00:04:02.370 --> 00:04:05.010 align:middle line:84% I send my fortunes to my friend, the philosopher. 00:04:05.010 --> 00:04:06.750 align:middle line:90% He writes back immediately. 00:04:06.750 --> 00:04:08.520 align:middle line:84% I'm interested in bankrolling you. 00:04:08.520 --> 00:04:10.980 align:middle line:84% But I only have $27 in checking." 00:04:10.980 --> 00:04:13.980 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:04:13.980 --> 00:04:16.560 align:middle line:84% "The next morning a man comes in to look 00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:18.600 align:middle line:90% for bugs in the apartment. 00:04:18.600 --> 00:04:20.550 align:middle line:90% He brings his dog with him. 00:04:20.550 --> 00:04:22.680 align:middle line:90% 'Seek!' he tells the dog. 'Seek! 00:04:22.680 --> 00:04:27.990 align:middle line:84% Seek!' but the dog just sits there, looking at me. 00:04:27.990 --> 00:04:31.170 align:middle line:84% A week later, I call the man back to look for the bedbugs 00:04:31.170 --> 00:04:32.400 align:middle line:90% again. 00:04:32.400 --> 00:04:34.900 align:middle line:90% I give him tea and cookies. 00:04:34.900 --> 00:04:36.300 align:middle line:90% 'Here's what you do,' he says. 00:04:36.300 --> 00:04:38.970 align:middle line:84% 'Put poison on the mattress, then on the windowsills, 00:04:38.970 --> 00:04:40.512 align:middle line:90% then in the electrical sockets. 00:04:40.512 --> 00:04:41.970 align:middle line:84% Then just go to sleep in your bed." 00:04:41.970 --> 00:04:44.520 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:04:44.520 --> 00:04:48.770 align:middle line:84% "But the kid upstairs knows all about it already. 00:04:48.770 --> 00:04:50.520 align:middle line:84% 'Can I give you a little piece of advice?' 00:04:50.520 --> 00:04:52.440 align:middle line:90% he says. 00:04:52.440 --> 00:04:56.500 align:middle line:90% 'Throw out everything you own.' 00:04:56.500 --> 00:04:58.770 align:middle line:84% I read an article written by a woman living alone 00:04:58.770 --> 00:04:59.970 align:middle line:90% who got them. 00:04:59.970 --> 00:05:01.350 align:middle line:84% She talks about how depressing it 00:05:01.350 --> 00:05:04.020 align:middle line:84% is to have no one to help her with all the spraying 00:05:04.020 --> 00:05:06.870 align:middle line:84% and washing and cooking and bagging. 00:05:06.870 --> 00:05:10.620 align:middle line:84% She's spent all her money, hasn't had a date in years. 00:05:10.620 --> 00:05:12.390 align:middle line:90% I show it to my husband. 00:05:12.390 --> 00:05:13.380 align:middle line:90% 'It's true. 00:05:13.380 --> 00:05:16.720 align:middle line:90% We're lucky,' he says. 00:05:16.720 --> 00:05:18.790 align:middle line:84% A few weeks later, they send a note home 00:05:18.790 --> 00:05:20.950 align:middle line:90% from her school about lice. 00:05:20.950 --> 00:05:23.830 align:middle line:84% Mothers drive across town to the Orthodox neighborhood 00:05:23.830 --> 00:05:25.630 align:middle line:90% to see the nitpicker. 00:05:25.630 --> 00:05:28.960 align:middle line:84% $100 a head is what she charges them. 00:05:28.960 --> 00:05:32.290 align:middle line:84% She is very thorough, the other mothers claim, 00:05:32.290 --> 00:05:34.960 align:middle line:90% worth every penny. 00:05:34.960 --> 00:05:38.470 align:middle line:90% But my husband is thorough too. 00:05:38.470 --> 00:05:41.020 align:middle line:84% He goes through our hair, then holds the comb up 00:05:41.020 --> 00:05:44.500 align:middle line:90% carefully to the light. 00:05:44.500 --> 00:05:45.920 align:middle line:90% 'Do you know why I love you?' 00:05:45.920 --> 00:05:47.830 align:middle line:90% my daughter asks me. 00:05:47.830 --> 00:05:51.490 align:middle line:84% She is floating in the bath water, her head lathered white. 00:05:51.490 --> 00:05:53.980 align:middle line:90% 'Why?' I say. 00:05:53.980 --> 00:05:56.350 align:middle line:84% 'Because I am your mother,' she tells me. 00:05:56.350 --> 00:05:59.580 align:middle line:90% 00:05:59.580 --> 00:06:03.960 align:middle line:84% There is a video I have seen, which I cannot unsee, 00:06:03.960 --> 00:06:07.890 align:middle line:84% that shows the bugs avoiding the poison by climbing the far 00:06:07.890 --> 00:06:12.930 align:middle line:84% wall, crossing the ceiling, and then dropping down on the bed. 00:06:12.930 --> 00:06:16.170 align:middle line:84% And another one, even worse, in which 00:06:16.170 --> 00:06:19.200 align:middle line:84% a woman films herself waiting up all night 00:06:19.200 --> 00:06:21.945 align:middle line:84% beside her young daughter's bed with a lint roller. 00:06:21.945 --> 00:06:24.630 align:middle line:90% 00:06:24.630 --> 00:06:27.720 align:middle line:90% What Simone Weil said-- 00:06:27.720 --> 00:06:34.290 align:middle line:84% attention without object is a supreme form of prayer. 00:06:34.290 --> 00:06:36.270 align:middle line:84% The almost astronaut calls me at all hours 00:06:36.270 --> 00:06:39.372 align:middle line:84% now to talk about his book project. 00:06:39.372 --> 00:06:41.580 align:middle line:84% 'I think it's going to be a bestseller,' he tells me. 00:06:41.580 --> 00:06:42.930 align:middle line:90% 'Like that guy, what's his name? 00:06:42.930 --> 00:06:46.980 align:middle line:84% Sagan.' 'Carl?' 'No,' he says. 'That's not it. 00:06:46.980 --> 00:06:48.018 align:middle line:90% Something else. 00:06:48.018 --> 00:06:48.810 align:middle line:90% It'll come to me.'" 00:06:48.810 --> 00:06:51.970 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:06:51.970 --> 00:06:52.470 align:middle line:90% 00:06:52.470 --> 00:06:57.660 align:middle line:84% "A few nights later, I secretly hope that I might be a genius. 00:06:57.660 --> 00:07:01.440 align:middle line:84% Why else can no amount of sleeping pills fell my brain? 00:07:01.440 --> 00:07:04.980 align:middle line:84% But in the morning, my daughter asked me what a cloud is, 00:07:04.980 --> 00:07:07.470 align:middle line:90% and I cannot say." 00:07:07.470 --> 00:07:11.660 align:middle line:84% OK so that's the cooked, and now the raw.