WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.920 align:middle line:90% Thank you, Ander. 00:00:01.920 --> 00:00:03.180 align:middle line:90% Thank you, Poetry Center. 00:00:03.180 --> 00:00:05.040 align:middle line:90% Thank you, Hannah Ensor. 00:00:05.040 --> 00:00:06.330 align:middle line:90% Thank you Ben. 00:00:06.330 --> 00:00:09.005 align:middle line:90% Thank you Natasha. 00:00:09.005 --> 00:00:10.380 align:middle line:84% If I had others, I have to check. 00:00:10.380 --> 00:00:13.030 align:middle line:90% One second. 00:00:13.030 --> 00:00:13.930 align:middle line:90% I feel like a-- 00:00:13.930 --> 00:00:15.370 align:middle line:90% oh no, here's what I want to do. 00:00:15.370 --> 00:00:18.625 align:middle line:90% 00:00:18.625 --> 00:00:20.000 align:middle line:84% I want to call my mom real quick. 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:23.227 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:00:23.227 --> 00:00:25.540 align:middle line:90% 00:00:25.540 --> 00:00:26.470 align:middle line:90% Oh no, one second. 00:00:26.470 --> 00:00:30.740 align:middle line:90% 00:00:30.740 --> 00:00:32.561 align:middle line:90% No, that's not my mom. 00:00:32.561 --> 00:00:33.908 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:00:33.908 --> 00:00:36.450 align:middle line:84% So I do have a broken phone, so bear with me just one second. 00:00:36.450 --> 00:00:38.640 align:middle line:90% Really, I got this. 00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:39.960 align:middle line:90% Last time I called her-- 00:00:39.960 --> 00:00:44.250 align:middle line:84% here, it was yesterday, of course. 00:00:44.250 --> 00:00:46.470 align:middle line:90% OK. 00:00:46.470 --> 00:00:47.820 align:middle line:90% I don't know if she's available. 00:00:47.820 --> 00:00:50.490 align:middle line:90% I just thought of this. 00:00:50.490 --> 00:00:52.965 align:middle line:90% [RINGING TONE] 00:00:52.965 --> 00:00:55.935 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:00:55.935 --> 00:00:58.810 align:middle line:90% 00:00:58.810 --> 00:00:59.310 align:middle line:90% Hello. 00:00:59.310 --> 00:00:59.990 align:middle line:90% Nice. 00:00:59.990 --> 00:01:00.720 align:middle line:90% Oh, shit. 00:01:00.720 --> 00:01:02.490 align:middle line:90% Hi, mom. 00:01:02.490 --> 00:01:03.100 align:middle line:90% Hi. 00:01:03.100 --> 00:01:04.267 align:middle line:90% You called the wrong number? 00:01:04.267 --> 00:01:06.690 align:middle line:84% No, you want to come to my reading? 00:01:06.690 --> 00:01:10.790 align:middle line:90% Oh, they introduce you guys yet? 00:01:10.790 --> 00:01:12.498 align:middle line:90% Yeah, just now. 00:01:12.498 --> 00:01:14.040 align:middle line:84% I'm just going to set the phone down, 00:01:14.040 --> 00:01:18.060 align:middle line:84% but you can just listen along, OK? 00:01:18.060 --> 00:01:18.700 align:middle line:90% Really? 00:01:18.700 --> 00:01:19.200 align:middle line:90% Yeah, yeah. 00:01:19.200 --> 00:01:22.330 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:01:22.330 --> 00:01:22.830 align:middle line:90% 00:01:22.830 --> 00:01:24.300 align:middle line:90% Love you, bye-- er, hold on. 00:01:24.300 --> 00:01:27.639 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:01:27.639 --> 00:01:30.948 align:middle line:90% 00:01:30.948 --> 00:01:32.490 align:middle line:84% Really, thank you for having me here. 00:01:32.490 --> 00:01:34.280 align:middle line:84% I feel like a bucket of red paint 00:01:34.280 --> 00:01:35.960 align:middle line:90% is about to fall over my dress. 00:01:35.960 --> 00:01:37.010 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:01:37.010 --> 00:01:39.140 align:middle line:84% I'm waiting for you to prank me any minute now, 00:01:39.140 --> 00:01:40.250 align:middle line:90% and this is not real. 00:01:40.250 --> 00:01:42.843 align:middle line:84% So really, thank you for having me here. 00:01:42.843 --> 00:01:44.510 align:middle line:84% I also want to thank all the current MFA 00:01:44.510 --> 00:01:45.780 align:middle line:90% students who are here. 00:01:45.780 --> 00:01:47.530 align:middle line:84% I had the privilege of meeting some of you 00:01:47.530 --> 00:01:50.505 align:middle line:84% throughout the week, and I keep running into James. 00:01:50.505 --> 00:01:52.130 align:middle line:84% I don't think he's here tonight, is he? 00:01:52.130 --> 00:01:53.030 align:middle line:90% You would know. 00:01:53.030 --> 00:01:54.270 align:middle line:90% Is James here? 00:01:54.270 --> 00:01:54.770 align:middle line:90% No. 00:01:54.770 --> 00:01:57.260 align:middle line:84% But this reading is dedicated to James 00:01:57.260 --> 00:01:59.600 align:middle line:84% because I ran into him three times in one day 00:01:59.600 --> 00:02:01.490 align:middle line:90% yesterday, just around campus. 00:02:01.490 --> 00:02:03.770 align:middle line:84% And as I walked around campus, I always 00:02:03.770 --> 00:02:06.110 align:middle line:84% feel like when I come back, I just 00:02:06.110 --> 00:02:08.690 align:middle line:84% pretend like I'm still a student here, 00:02:08.690 --> 00:02:10.243 align:middle line:90% and nobody knows the difference. 00:02:10.243 --> 00:02:11.660 align:middle line:84% But James does know the difference 00:02:11.660 --> 00:02:13.500 align:middle line:90% because I met him on Monday. 00:02:13.500 --> 00:02:16.190 align:middle line:84% And so when he sees me, I feel like I'm a ghost. 00:02:16.190 --> 00:02:18.200 align:middle line:84% I feel like that is what it means 00:02:18.200 --> 00:02:20.840 align:middle line:90% to be an alumni sometimes. 00:02:20.840 --> 00:02:23.200 align:middle line:84% And I don't think that's exactly right. 00:02:23.200 --> 00:02:25.160 align:middle line:90% Alumni is not a ghost. 00:02:25.160 --> 00:02:30.800 align:middle line:84% Instead, the weird alumni comes from the Latin for foster son. 00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:33.260 align:middle line:84% And it's cheesy, I know, and a little bit 00:02:33.260 --> 00:02:35.900 align:middle line:84% Freudian to think of the ways in which graduate school is 00:02:35.900 --> 00:02:40.040 align:middle line:84% like a second home, how faculty might be somewhat parental, how 00:02:40.040 --> 00:02:43.070 align:middle line:90% one's peers become sibling-like. 00:02:43.070 --> 00:02:46.340 align:middle line:84% As an only child, though, I don't mind thinking this way. 00:02:46.340 --> 00:02:48.710 align:middle line:84% I remember when I got admitted into the program. 00:02:48.710 --> 00:02:51.152 align:middle line:84% I called my mom and told her Aurelie Sheehan, who 00:02:51.152 --> 00:02:52.610 align:middle line:84% was the program director then, just 00:02:52.610 --> 00:02:55.800 align:middle line:84% wrote me an email, inviting me to go to U of A. 00:02:55.800 --> 00:02:58.800 align:middle line:84% I moved to Tucson and stayed there for three years, 00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:01.610 align:middle line:84% and on the day I left, Aurelie was the very last Tucsonan 00:03:01.610 --> 00:03:03.050 align:middle line:90% I saw. 00:03:03.050 --> 00:03:05.660 align:middle line:84% I'd been watching her dogs, cats, and some fish 00:03:05.660 --> 00:03:09.410 align:middle line:84% while she was away, and I needed to return her house keys. 00:03:09.410 --> 00:03:12.470 align:middle line:84% My mom, who was helping me move to Sacramento at the time, 00:03:12.470 --> 00:03:13.940 align:middle line:84% drove me to Aurelie's house, and I 00:03:13.940 --> 00:03:15.560 align:middle line:84% remember seeing Aurelie and my mom 00:03:15.560 --> 00:03:18.400 align:middle line:90% face-to-face for the first time. 00:03:18.400 --> 00:03:20.362 align:middle line:90% My mom started crying. 00:03:20.362 --> 00:03:22.820 align:middle line:84% It was like she was picking me up from a really long summer 00:03:22.820 --> 00:03:24.950 align:middle line:90% camp. 00:03:24.950 --> 00:03:26.180 align:middle line:90% And then there's Ander. 00:03:26.180 --> 00:03:27.920 align:middle line:84% In his hybrid workshop, I set out 00:03:27.920 --> 00:03:30.320 align:middle line:84% to write my first essay, "Dogsucker." 00:03:30.320 --> 00:03:32.630 align:middle line:84% It's an essay about an experience I've mostly tried 00:03:32.630 --> 00:03:34.760 align:middle line:90% to keep secret my whole life. 00:03:34.760 --> 00:03:36.950 align:middle line:84% Feeling encouraged though, I submitted a version 00:03:36.950 --> 00:03:38.745 align:middle line:90% of the essay at the workshop. 00:03:38.745 --> 00:03:40.370 align:middle line:84% Ander got behind that essay right away, 00:03:40.370 --> 00:03:43.670 align:middle line:84% and it became my first major publication. 00:03:43.670 --> 00:03:45.920 align:middle line:84% Meanwhile, when my father read that same essay, 00:03:45.920 --> 00:03:48.230 align:middle line:84% he forbade my mother from reading it. 00:03:48.230 --> 00:03:50.810 align:middle line:84% This means that my first published book is officially 00:03:50.810 --> 00:03:55.490 align:middle line:84% banned reading in our home in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 00:03:55.490 --> 00:03:58.160 align:middle line:84% The foster child etymology gets kind of complicated 00:03:58.160 --> 00:04:01.740 align:middle line:84% considering I ended up marrying an alumnus of the program. 00:04:01.740 --> 00:04:04.400 align:middle line:84% I think that makes Andie my stepsister. 00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:05.180 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:04:05.180 --> 00:04:05.690 align:middle line:90% Oh well. 00:04:05.690 --> 00:04:08.510 align:middle line:90% 00:04:08.510 --> 00:04:09.920 align:middle line:90% The officiant at our wedding-- 00:04:09.920 --> 00:04:11.360 align:middle line:90% an MFA alum. 00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:13.820 align:middle line:90% The readers-- MFA alum. 00:04:13.820 --> 00:04:17.779 align:middle line:84% The majority of the groomsmen and bridesmaids-- alum. 00:04:17.779 --> 00:04:19.700 align:middle line:84% Someday, when we're feeling nostalgic, 00:04:19.700 --> 00:04:22.980 align:middle line:84% our house can become an echo chamber of MFA memories. 00:04:22.980 --> 00:04:25.490 align:middle line:84% The first monsoon when Jamison took off his shoes 00:04:25.490 --> 00:04:27.710 align:middle line:84% and ran a raving lap around the block. 00:04:27.710 --> 00:04:31.910 align:middle line:84% The time Tim held my parrot as he dipped his feet in the pool. 00:04:31.910 --> 00:04:34.880 align:middle line:84% The first time I introduced myself to Josh Wilkinson 00:04:34.880 --> 00:04:36.230 align:middle line:90% as we stood at a urinal. 00:04:36.230 --> 00:04:37.970 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:04:37.970 --> 00:04:40.190 align:middle line:84% The time Sarah and I teased cactus spines 00:04:40.190 --> 00:04:41.600 align:middle line:90% from Andie's heel. 00:04:41.600 --> 00:04:44.000 align:middle line:84% The birthday party where Louis jumped in the pool 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:47.570 align:middle line:84% and didn't get out for what seemed like eight hours. 00:04:47.570 --> 00:04:50.090 align:middle line:84% How many times you must have peed in that pool that day? 00:04:50.090 --> 00:04:52.220 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:04:52.220 --> 00:04:55.280 align:middle line:84% Anyway, even if we're not really related, 00:04:55.280 --> 00:04:57.560 align:middle line:84% I'm happy that we can all relate. 00:04:57.560 --> 00:04:59.660 align:middle line:84% So this is an excerpt from "Dogsucker." 00:04:59.660 --> 00:05:04.500 align:middle line:90% 00:05:04.500 --> 00:05:07.410 align:middle line:84% "By Christmas 1998 I was convinced 00:05:07.410 --> 00:05:09.810 align:middle line:84% that my sophisticated pleas would finally 00:05:09.810 --> 00:05:12.870 align:middle line:84% yield a dog, a small hypoallergenic terrier. 00:05:12.870 --> 00:05:15.510 align:middle line:90% Please, please, can we please? 00:05:15.510 --> 00:05:18.690 align:middle line:84% I mean, my parents feel blameworthy for isolating me. 00:05:18.690 --> 00:05:22.050 align:middle line:84% Not only was I siblingless, but also woefully enrolled 00:05:22.050 --> 00:05:25.860 align:middle line:84% at a small and distant parochial school, Queen of Angels. 00:05:25.860 --> 00:05:27.900 align:middle line:84% I was certain that, on that Christmas morning, 00:05:27.900 --> 00:05:29.880 align:middle line:84% I would awake to adorable yipping, 00:05:29.880 --> 00:05:32.190 align:middle line:84% a puppy trembling in shallow backyard 00:05:32.190 --> 00:05:35.370 align:middle line:84% snow, that I would point at it and ask my parents if it was 00:05:35.370 --> 00:05:38.610 align:middle line:84% mine, and when they said, yes, I would spontaneously 00:05:38.610 --> 00:05:41.320 align:middle line:90% name it and call it inside. 00:05:41.320 --> 00:05:44.800 align:middle line:84% Instead though, I received a slap-in-the-face virtual pet 00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:47.110 align:middle line:90% Tamagotchi. 00:05:47.110 --> 00:05:50.260 align:middle line:84% Tamagotchi is a small egg shaped keychain computer, 00:05:50.260 --> 00:05:53.980 align:middle line:84% a species of digital pet created in Japan in 1996 00:05:53.980 --> 00:05:56.440 align:middle line:84% for parents and small city apartments, 00:05:56.440 --> 00:05:58.420 align:middle line:84% or those with shithead kids who had not 00:05:58.420 --> 00:06:00.070 align:middle line:84% been able to sustain the illusion 00:06:00.070 --> 00:06:01.960 align:middle line:84% that they could take on the responsibilities 00:06:01.960 --> 00:06:05.860 align:middle line:84% of pet ownership in the weeks leading up to Christmas. 00:06:05.860 --> 00:06:07.570 align:middle line:84% Tamagotchi pet owners are required 00:06:07.570 --> 00:06:10.360 align:middle line:84% to feed, interact, and discipline their pets, 00:06:10.360 --> 00:06:13.300 align:middle line:84% to encourage them into the next stage of development, 00:06:13.300 --> 00:06:17.020 align:middle line:84% a Piagetian precursor to Pokemon. 00:06:17.020 --> 00:06:19.540 align:middle line:84% To achieve this, there were three rubber buttons 00:06:19.540 --> 00:06:21.740 align:middle line:90% below the screen display. 00:06:21.740 --> 00:06:24.130 align:middle line:84% There was a hazy satisfaction associated 00:06:24.130 --> 00:06:27.520 align:middle line:84% with Tamagotchi play, but I craved the real thing. 00:06:27.520 --> 00:06:29.590 align:middle line:90% I craved the analog pet-- 00:06:29.590 --> 00:06:32.410 align:middle line:84% skin and bone and ligament, hot breath, 00:06:32.410 --> 00:06:35.020 align:middle line:84% bad breath, pink tongue, claws on ceramic, 00:06:35.020 --> 00:06:38.230 align:middle line:84% tail like a joystick, goop in the corners of the eyes, 00:06:38.230 --> 00:06:42.100 align:middle line:84% unpredictable fits of energy, catatonic until sparrow lands 00:06:42.100 --> 00:06:45.370 align:middle line:84% on windowsill, or until jay bustles in chimney flue, 00:06:45.370 --> 00:06:49.000 align:middle line:84% or rabbits nibble at backyard rosebushes-- whatever 00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:53.860 align:middle line:84% other sudden alarms turn a ball of fur into a kamikaze pinball. 00:06:53.860 --> 00:06:57.130 align:middle line:84% When Tamagotchi's 1.5 volt alkaline battery cells 00:06:57.130 --> 00:06:59.620 align:middle line:84% were toast come March, come April, 00:06:59.620 --> 00:07:01.570 align:middle line:90% I didn't ask for replacements. 00:07:01.570 --> 00:07:04.360 align:middle line:84% I put the egg to rest in a drawer with other childhood 00:07:04.360 --> 00:07:05.410 align:middle line:90% distractions. 00:07:05.410 --> 00:07:09.230 align:middle line:90% 00:07:09.230 --> 00:07:11.840 align:middle line:84% On Christmas Eve the next year, just eight days 00:07:11.840 --> 00:07:14.510 align:middle line:84% before the new millennium, we picked up a small Yorkshire 00:07:14.510 --> 00:07:15.560 align:middle line:90% terrier. 00:07:15.560 --> 00:07:18.410 align:middle line:84% You've likely seen this breed in Victorian paintings, 00:07:18.410 --> 00:07:21.230 align:middle line:90% wearing a red bow, looking prim. 00:07:21.230 --> 00:07:24.290 align:middle line:84% You should know Grizz was bowless, macho. 00:07:24.290 --> 00:07:27.740 align:middle line:84% That night, Grizz stayed in the pet taxi on my dresser, 00:07:27.740 --> 00:07:29.750 align:middle line:90% eye-level with my bed. 00:07:29.750 --> 00:07:32.600 align:middle line:84% Even though I wasn't supposed to take him out until morning, 00:07:32.600 --> 00:07:35.690 align:middle line:84% I opened the cage every so often and cradled him. 00:07:35.690 --> 00:07:38.660 align:middle line:84% Most of the night we, blinked at each other, his eyes 00:07:38.660 --> 00:07:42.140 align:middle line:84% two orange flecks of tapetum lucidum, little round 00:07:42.140 --> 00:07:46.810 align:middle line:84% flames of tissue coated in the oil of his tears. 00:07:46.810 --> 00:07:49.090 align:middle line:84% Grizz and I were inseparable that spring. 00:07:49.090 --> 00:07:51.100 align:middle line:84% When I got home from Queen of Angels, 00:07:51.100 --> 00:07:53.470 align:middle line:84% I sprinted from the bus stop to my room, 00:07:53.470 --> 00:07:55.930 align:middle line:84% changed out of my knit vest and khakis-- 00:07:55.930 --> 00:07:59.740 align:middle line:84% if I didn't, they'd call me preppy pussy, PP for short-- 00:07:59.740 --> 00:08:02.260 align:middle line:84% and put on something public-school-looking. 00:08:02.260 --> 00:08:05.290 align:middle line:84% I soaked my gelled hair under the sinks gush, 00:08:05.290 --> 00:08:07.810 align:middle line:84% leashed Grizz, and took backyard shortcuts 00:08:07.810 --> 00:08:10.090 align:middle line:90% to the public school bus stop. 00:08:10.090 --> 00:08:11.770 align:middle line:90% Grizz was a good walker. 00:08:11.770 --> 00:08:13.990 align:middle line:84% He had a tendency to venture ahead, 00:08:13.990 --> 00:08:16.360 align:middle line:84% but there was always some slack in the leash. 00:08:16.360 --> 00:08:18.700 align:middle line:84% He wasn't the kind of territorial scatterbrain 00:08:18.700 --> 00:08:21.340 align:middle line:84% who would sniff and leg-lift at every fence and mailbox 00:08:21.340 --> 00:08:23.170 align:middle line:90% post on the street. 00:08:23.170 --> 00:08:26.320 align:middle line:84% We stomped over fresh mowed lawns riddled with crabgrass 00:08:26.320 --> 00:08:29.920 align:middle line:84% and clover and dandelions, past Japanese maple trees 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:32.890 align:middle line:84% and hollyhocks, relished our suburban azimuth 00:08:32.890 --> 00:08:35.440 align:middle line:90% to the bus stop intersection. 00:08:35.440 --> 00:08:37.480 align:middle line:84% Even though I went to a private school, 00:08:37.480 --> 00:08:38.980 align:middle line:84% there was nothing more impossibly 00:08:38.980 --> 00:08:42.880 align:middle line:84% private than the 36 foot public school bus with its closed 00:08:42.880 --> 00:08:46.810 align:middle line:84% or half closed windows, muffling cacophony, depicting 00:08:46.810 --> 00:08:50.170 align:middle line:84% unfamiliar sneering faces, scalps pinwheeled 00:08:50.170 --> 00:08:53.080 align:middle line:84% against the glass, the variety of acne pocks 00:08:53.080 --> 00:08:55.360 align:middle line:84% and four-eyed, black teed, polo collared, 00:08:55.360 --> 00:08:58.030 align:middle line:84% boyfriend-girlfriend manacled hand holders, 00:08:58.030 --> 00:09:02.410 align:middle line:84% limbs slung over backseats, backseat tyrants, homework head 00:09:02.410 --> 00:09:05.640 align:middle line:84% starters, headphone head bobbers, last-second seat 00:09:05.640 --> 00:09:07.090 align:middle line:90% shufflers. 00:09:07.090 --> 00:09:10.480 align:middle line:84% I knew nothing of this variety at Queen of Angels. 00:09:10.480 --> 00:09:12.970 align:middle line:84% I stood in the Garasy's driveway, flanked 00:09:12.970 --> 00:09:15.880 align:middle line:84% by mailbox and Grizz, and for a few seconds, 00:09:15.880 --> 00:09:18.550 align:middle line:84% just before the driver engaged the door's lever, 00:09:18.550 --> 00:09:22.970 align:middle line:84% everyone on the bus looked down at me like, who the fuck? 00:09:22.970 --> 00:09:24.590 align:middle line:84% They rarely tried to interact with me, 00:09:24.590 --> 00:09:27.380 align:middle line:84% except for the one time when the eighth grader Rushner, who 00:09:27.380 --> 00:09:31.400 align:middle line:84% wore black contacts with white X pupils, spat out of his window, 00:09:31.400 --> 00:09:33.500 align:middle line:90% me as his intended target. 00:09:33.500 --> 00:09:36.270 align:middle line:84% Instead, the spit landed on the concrete, 00:09:36.270 --> 00:09:40.630 align:middle line:84% and I had to yank Grizz away so that he didn't lap it up. 00:09:40.630 --> 00:09:42.580 align:middle line:84% From the bus stop, I'd go with my friends 00:09:42.580 --> 00:09:46.150 align:middle line:84% to a driveway, shoot basketball, and between buoyant smacks 00:09:46.150 --> 00:09:48.490 align:middle line:84% of rubber-soft cement, each smack 00:09:48.490 --> 00:09:51.160 align:middle line:84% obscuring valuable terminology for a boy 00:09:51.160 --> 00:09:53.800 align:middle line:84% eager to learn the parlance of the public school. 00:09:53.800 --> 00:09:56.860 align:middle line:84% They'd utter words like fellatio and its crude synonyms, 00:09:56.860 --> 00:10:00.810 align:middle line:84% blowjob, BJ, head, dome, suck-off, deep throat, 00:10:00.810 --> 00:10:02.035 align:middle line:90% pole smoke, et cetera. 00:10:02.035 --> 00:10:04.600 align:middle line:90% 00:10:04.600 --> 00:10:07.870 align:middle line:84% For the first 12 years of my life, they call me Larry. 00:10:07.870 --> 00:10:12.350 align:middle line:84% And then, one day, they started calling me Dogsucker. 00:10:12.350 --> 00:10:15.290 align:middle line:84% Years later, friends would introduce me to their friends 00:10:15.290 --> 00:10:19.700 align:middle line:84% as, this is Larry, followed by the brief intriguing epithet. 00:10:19.700 --> 00:10:24.090 align:middle line:84% The onus was then on me to reverse engineer the epithet. 00:10:24.090 --> 00:10:27.240 align:middle line:84% To make the story more comprehensible to the skeptic, 00:10:27.240 --> 00:10:31.830 align:middle line:84% I'd wait for a reaction-- shock, sympathy, confusion, outrage-- 00:10:31.830 --> 00:10:34.380 align:middle line:84% and craft the congruous response. 00:10:34.380 --> 00:10:37.570 align:middle line:84% If he or she had the time, I tell the whole story. 00:10:37.570 --> 00:10:39.000 align:middle line:90% Here's how it happened. 00:10:39.000 --> 00:10:42.630 align:middle line:84% Rushner, an oafish eighth grader with these demon-like contacts, 00:10:42.630 --> 00:10:44.310 align:middle line:90% got off the bus prematurely. 00:10:44.310 --> 00:10:46.170 align:middle line:84% His assigned stop was on Charles Drive, 00:10:46.170 --> 00:10:48.660 align:middle line:84% not Christine, where my parents lived. 00:10:48.660 --> 00:10:51.330 align:middle line:84% He asked me, can I help you walk your dog? 00:10:51.330 --> 00:10:52.740 align:middle line:90% I nodded. 00:10:52.740 --> 00:10:54.150 align:middle line:90% I didn't need the help. 00:10:54.150 --> 00:10:56.220 align:middle line:90% The generosity was absurd. 00:10:56.220 --> 00:10:59.100 align:middle line:84% It was just some naive notion I had that maybe Rushner had 00:10:59.100 --> 00:11:01.458 align:middle line:84% a soft spot for dogs, like I did, 00:11:01.458 --> 00:11:03.750 align:middle line:84% that maybe Rushner was one of those shithead kids whose 00:11:03.750 --> 00:11:06.450 align:middle line:84% parents thought couldn't handle the responsibilities. 00:11:06.450 --> 00:11:09.450 align:middle line:84% Did he to once get stuck with Tamagotchi? 00:11:09.450 --> 00:11:14.805 align:middle line:84% I gave Rushner the leash, and he took off. 00:11:14.805 --> 00:11:18.130 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:11:18.130 --> 00:11:20.510 align:middle line:90% 00:11:20.510 --> 00:11:22.820 align:middle line:84% Even though he was fairly obese, Rushner 00:11:22.820 --> 00:11:25.520 align:middle line:84% had to have been running twice as fast as Grizz. 00:11:25.520 --> 00:11:27.500 align:middle line:84% At first it looked like exercise. 00:11:27.500 --> 00:11:29.030 align:middle line:90% I laughed nervously. 00:11:29.030 --> 00:11:31.920 align:middle line:84% With some distance, though, it looked like theft. 00:11:31.920 --> 00:11:34.340 align:middle line:84% Then, when Grizz could no longer keep up, 00:11:34.340 --> 00:11:36.200 align:middle line:84% when there was no slack in the leash at all 00:11:36.200 --> 00:11:38.450 align:middle line:84% and my dog was somersaulting through the air, 00:11:38.450 --> 00:11:41.570 align:middle line:84% yelping, each yelp coinciding with his five pound body 00:11:41.570 --> 00:11:45.230 align:middle line:84% bouncing off the asphalt like a furry deflated basketball, 00:11:45.230 --> 00:11:46.970 align:middle line:90% dragged past each lot. 00:11:46.970 --> 00:11:50.300 align:middle line:90% Then, it seemed like torture. 00:11:50.300 --> 00:11:52.430 align:middle line:84% Years later, Rushner shot himself in the stomach 00:11:52.430 --> 00:11:53.450 align:middle line:90% by accident. 00:11:53.450 --> 00:11:56.210 align:middle line:84% Years later, he was placed in a juvenile facility. 00:11:56.210 --> 00:11:58.175 align:middle line:84% Years later, he set a barn on fire. 00:11:58.175 --> 00:12:00.800 align:middle line:84% Years later, he shot his mother with a semi-automatic paintball 00:12:00.800 --> 00:12:03.020 align:middle line:84% gun in the parking lot of Giant Eagle. 00:12:03.020 --> 00:12:04.910 align:middle line:84% Years later, he turned into a Juggalo 00:12:04.910 --> 00:12:08.240 align:middle line:84% and publicly freestyled to Insane Clown Posse. 00:12:08.240 --> 00:12:10.640 align:middle line:84% I realize these are unfair details to include, 00:12:10.640 --> 00:12:12.710 align:middle line:84% and I'm making him unsympathetic, 00:12:12.710 --> 00:12:14.570 align:middle line:84% but this is my first attempt at making 00:12:14.570 --> 00:12:16.910 align:middle line:84% a record of why they call me Dogsucker, 00:12:16.910 --> 00:12:19.610 align:middle line:90% and I am not at all at ease. 00:12:19.610 --> 00:12:21.560 align:middle line:84% I succumb to mythologizing Rushner 00:12:21.560 --> 00:12:25.180 align:middle line:84% because his story is inextricable with mine. 00:12:25.180 --> 00:12:27.580 align:middle line:84% I was the first to catch up with Rushner and Grizz. 00:12:27.580 --> 00:12:30.250 align:middle line:84% My friends trotted closely behind. 00:12:30.250 --> 00:12:33.070 align:middle line:84% Grizz was lying in his side, not making a sound, 00:12:33.070 --> 00:12:35.740 align:middle line:90% bones possibly fractured. 00:12:35.740 --> 00:12:38.350 align:middle line:84% His rib cage went up and down, his diaphragm 00:12:38.350 --> 00:12:41.200 align:middle line:84% seeming to deflate more than it could inflate. 00:12:41.200 --> 00:12:44.170 align:middle line:84% His torso look like it would explode or collapse entirely 00:12:44.170 --> 00:12:45.670 align:middle line:90% from the exhaustion. 00:12:45.670 --> 00:12:47.170 align:middle line:84% I didn't know what to say to Rushner 00:12:47.170 --> 00:12:48.280 align:middle line:90% except, "What the fuck?" 00:12:48.280 --> 00:12:49.990 align:middle line:84% And I was crying, though tearless, 00:12:49.990 --> 00:12:51.430 align:middle line:90% because I was panicking. 00:12:51.430 --> 00:12:54.640 align:middle line:84% The leash was still in Rushner's hand. 00:12:54.640 --> 00:12:56.800 align:middle line:84% He smirked, and when I reached for the leash, 00:12:56.800 --> 00:12:59.170 align:middle line:84% he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me backward 00:12:59.170 --> 00:13:03.760 align:middle line:84% by my trachea like a WWE stunt he had seen on television. 00:13:03.760 --> 00:13:05.680 align:middle line:84% We were in the Tursey's yard, but it 00:13:05.680 --> 00:13:09.280 align:middle line:84% felt like we were standing on a precipice on a cliff. 00:13:09.280 --> 00:13:11.290 align:middle line:84% Tom told Rushner to give me the leash. 00:13:11.290 --> 00:13:12.938 align:middle line:90% "Quit fucking around, Rushner." 00:13:12.938 --> 00:13:14.980 align:middle line:84% Rushner didn't even have to shake his head for me 00:13:14.980 --> 00:13:17.492 align:middle line:84% to know it was not going to be that easy. 00:13:17.492 --> 00:13:19.450 align:middle line:84% I could tell he was scheming because of the way 00:13:19.450 --> 00:13:23.710 align:middle line:84% his eyes were slit, concealing those villainous X contacts. 00:13:23.710 --> 00:13:27.610 align:middle line:84% Rushner replied, "Larry has to suck its dick first." 00:13:27.610 --> 00:13:29.230 align:middle line:84% Tom snorted, but when he understood 00:13:29.230 --> 00:13:32.140 align:middle line:84% Rushner's seriousness, his head shook slightly, 00:13:32.140 --> 00:13:33.580 align:middle line:90% and he became still. 00:13:33.580 --> 00:13:37.000 align:middle line:90% He realized what was at stake. 00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:38.770 align:middle line:84% I looked at Rushner, kind of winced. 00:13:38.770 --> 00:13:41.290 align:middle line:84% I couldn't apprehend the underlying motivation. 00:13:41.290 --> 00:13:43.120 align:middle line:84% "Just give it to me," I said simply, 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:45.490 align:middle line:90% and extended for the leash. 00:13:45.490 --> 00:13:49.240 align:middle line:84% Rushner strode backwards, dragging 00:13:49.240 --> 00:13:51.670 align:middle line:84% my already exhausted dog across the lawn, 00:13:51.670 --> 00:13:53.620 align:middle line:90% again towards the street. 00:13:53.620 --> 00:13:56.020 align:middle line:90% Grizz didn't even try to stand. 00:13:56.020 --> 00:13:58.960 align:middle line:84% "I'll keep going," Rushner forewarned. 00:13:58.960 --> 00:14:01.030 align:middle line:84% There's a moment in Silence of the Lambs when 00:14:01.030 --> 00:14:04.420 align:middle line:84% Buffalo Bill bellows to his hostage in the well, 00:14:04.420 --> 00:14:06.430 align:middle line:90% "Don't you hurt my dog." 00:14:06.430 --> 00:14:09.670 align:middle line:84% The hostage, Catherine, clutches at the little Bichon Frise. 00:14:09.670 --> 00:14:12.940 align:middle line:84% "Don't you make me hurt your dog." 00:14:12.940 --> 00:14:16.360 align:middle line:84% The reversibility of power can inspire courage. 00:14:16.360 --> 00:14:18.490 align:middle line:84% I tried to tackle Rushner, tried to intercept 00:14:18.490 --> 00:14:21.370 align:middle line:84% the leash from his fingers, but he pinched my trachea, 00:14:21.370 --> 00:14:23.830 align:middle line:90% and it felt instantly bruised. 00:14:23.830 --> 00:14:26.290 align:middle line:84% "Suck it," he said, inadvertently reciting 00:14:26.290 --> 00:14:31.090 align:middle line:84% Steve Austin's slogan from D-Generation X WWE wrestling. 00:14:31.090 --> 00:14:32.650 align:middle line:90% I looked at my friends-- 00:14:32.650 --> 00:14:34.000 align:middle line:90% no guidance. 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:36.820 align:middle line:84% I looked at Grizz, realized we were both hostages, 00:14:36.820 --> 00:14:40.030 align:middle line:84% like on the first night with the pet taxi on the dresser, when 00:14:40.030 --> 00:14:41.770 align:middle line:84% I wanted to take him out of the cage, 00:14:41.770 --> 00:14:44.170 align:middle line:90% and he wanted to be taken out. 00:14:44.170 --> 00:14:46.870 align:middle line:84% Recording this now, I remember how badly I'd 00:14:46.870 --> 00:14:48.640 align:middle line:84% wanted a dog, how I thought there 00:14:48.640 --> 00:14:51.310 align:middle line:84% was no depth to the bargaining with my parents, 00:14:51.310 --> 00:14:57.160 align:middle line:84% how many times I must have said, if you get me a dog, I will-- 00:14:57.160 --> 00:15:00.610 align:middle line:84% I stood inside of that ellipses, felt the grizzly floor 00:15:00.610 --> 00:15:02.980 align:middle line:84% of my desperation, and reified myself 00:15:02.980 --> 00:15:06.130 align:middle line:84% as the guarantor of my dog's survival. 00:15:06.130 --> 00:15:10.030 align:middle line:84% Without more protest, I scooped up my dog, 00:15:10.030 --> 00:15:14.160 align:middle line:84% and felt his ribs expanding in my hands. 00:15:14.160 --> 00:15:16.350 align:middle line:90% Grizz cannot catch his breath. 00:15:16.350 --> 00:15:20.580 align:middle line:84% I looked at him, just held him at eye-level for a few seconds, 00:15:20.580 --> 00:15:23.700 align:middle line:84% before I lifted him a little higher. 00:15:23.700 --> 00:15:26.280 align:middle line:84% I searched Rushner's eyes for relent. 00:15:26.280 --> 00:15:28.380 align:middle line:90% There was none. 00:15:28.380 --> 00:15:34.860 align:middle line:84% I opened my mouth and I put the small shaft of tissue inside. 00:15:34.860 --> 00:15:40.260 align:middle line:84% It felt like a small cigar, a fur cigarillo. 00:15:40.260 --> 00:15:44.850 align:middle line:84% After a few seconds, I felt the leash drop to the grass. 00:15:44.850 --> 00:15:47.430 align:middle line:84% Rushner let go in order to hunch into laughter. 00:15:47.430 --> 00:15:50.310 align:middle line:84% He said, "I can't believe you just sucked your dog's dick, 00:15:50.310 --> 00:15:53.815 align:middle line:90% you fucking faggoty ass." 00:15:53.815 --> 00:15:55.690 align:middle line:84% And I wasn't sure why he couldn't believe it, 00:15:55.690 --> 00:15:58.570 align:middle line:84% because he was the one who commanded it-- demanded it. 00:15:58.570 --> 00:16:03.280 align:middle line:84% I started speeding home, walking towards my house, 00:16:03.280 --> 00:16:06.400 align:middle line:84% heard Rushner's uncontrollable laughter at my back. 00:16:06.400 --> 00:16:08.710 align:middle line:90% I ignored my friend's petitions. 00:16:08.710 --> 00:16:12.490 align:middle line:84% In the closed garage, I sat with Grizz in my dad's Corvette, 00:16:12.490 --> 00:16:16.060 align:middle line:84% waiting for our parasympathetic nervous systems to engage. 00:16:16.060 --> 00:16:19.870 align:middle line:84% The phone rang, but I stayed silent, stuporous as I brushed 00:16:19.870 --> 00:16:22.750 align:middle line:90% the fur of Grizz's nape. 00:16:22.750 --> 00:16:23.890 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:16:23.890 --> 00:16:27.240 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:16:27.240 --> 00:16:28.000 align:middle line:90%