WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.560 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.560 --> 00:00:02.700 align:middle line:90% I just have two more. 00:00:02.700 --> 00:00:05.340 align:middle line:84% This is called "The Nurse Lifts the Clipboard 00:00:05.340 --> 00:00:09.440 align:middle line:84% and Replaces All Your Vital Signs." 00:00:09.440 --> 00:00:11.740 align:middle line:84% The nurse lifts the clipboard and replaces 00:00:11.740 --> 00:00:15.640 align:middle line:84% all your vital signs with scratch and sniff stickers. 00:00:15.640 --> 00:00:17.890 align:middle line:84% You undress in front of her because your body 00:00:17.890 --> 00:00:19.420 align:middle line:90% looks like hers. 00:00:19.420 --> 00:00:23.860 align:middle line:84% She stuffs her purse in your mouth full of blue paper gowns. 00:00:23.860 --> 00:00:26.980 align:middle line:84% It feels like the Eucharist melting on your tongue 00:00:26.980 --> 00:00:29.050 align:middle line:84% or sleeping so long your legs forget 00:00:29.050 --> 00:00:31.090 align:middle line:90% how they're supposed to work. 00:00:31.090 --> 00:00:34.660 align:middle line:84% Every metal object in this room hurts your eyes and has a name. 00:00:34.660 --> 00:00:37.240 align:middle line:90% Everybody knows except for you. 00:00:37.240 --> 00:00:39.280 align:middle line:84% The nurse holds something to your heart, 00:00:39.280 --> 00:00:43.150 align:middle line:84% you call severed elephant trunk, wilted flower. 00:00:43.150 --> 00:00:45.130 align:middle line:84% She hands your boxers to the doctor 00:00:45.130 --> 00:00:48.220 align:middle line:84% and asks if you'll be going under the knife today. 00:00:48.220 --> 00:00:51.640 align:middle line:84% She loves how those words feel against her teeth. 00:00:51.640 --> 00:00:53.920 align:middle line:90% It's her favorite phrase. 00:00:53.920 --> 00:00:57.400 align:middle line:84% Her lips are strawberry red like they've gone under the knife. 00:00:57.400 --> 00:01:00.520 align:middle line:84% You want to say this, but you say nothing. 00:01:00.520 --> 00:01:03.400 align:middle line:84% The doctor raises an anatomically correct penis 00:01:03.400 --> 00:01:05.500 align:middle line:90% to his lips and does a waltz. 00:01:05.500 --> 00:01:07.840 align:middle line:90% You demand his credentials. 00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:10.735 align:middle line:84% He undoes his belt and begins to cry. 00:01:10.735 --> 00:01:13.420 align:middle line:84% At that very moment, you realize you haven't 00:01:13.420 --> 00:01:15.460 align:middle line:90% shaved your legs in years. 00:01:15.460 --> 00:01:18.010 align:middle line:84% The doctor blows his nose into your boxers, 00:01:18.010 --> 00:01:20.680 align:middle line:84% while the nurse re-enacts the video your fifth grade 00:01:20.680 --> 00:01:23.230 align:middle line:84% class watched on how boys and girls love 00:01:23.230 --> 00:01:26.140 align:middle line:84% each other the right way with the right parts. 00:01:26.140 --> 00:01:30.340 align:middle line:84% You worry the doctor will find out you have the wrong parts. 00:01:30.340 --> 00:01:33.820 align:middle line:84% If he ever stops crying, he will give you the medicine. 00:01:33.820 --> 00:01:36.040 align:middle line:90% You want to be the medicine. 00:01:36.040 --> 00:01:39.040 align:middle line:84% You want to be sleeping so long your legs forget how they're 00:01:39.040 --> 00:01:40.870 align:middle line:90% supposed to be hairless. 00:01:40.870 --> 00:01:44.560 align:middle line:84% The nurse licks a sticker until her mouth purples like a wound. 00:01:44.560 --> 00:01:46.750 align:middle line:84% The doctor scratches and scratches 00:01:46.750 --> 00:01:48.190 align:middle line:90% till his fingers bleed. 00:01:48.190 --> 00:01:49.720 align:middle line:90% And the room smells great. 00:01:49.720 --> 00:01:51.400 align:middle line:90% And the chart reads female. 00:01:51.400 --> 00:01:54.100 align:middle line:84% And the doctor wants to know why you've changed your name 00:01:54.100 --> 00:01:56.670 align:middle line:84% and whose underwear he's holding.