WEBVTT

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I'm going to read
from Bachelorhood.

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This is called "My
Early Years at School."

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"In the first grade I
was in a bit of a fog.

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All I remember is running
outside at 3 o'clock

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with the others to
fill the safety zone

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in front of the school building
where we whirled around

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with our book bags
hitting as many proximate

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bodies as possible.

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The whirling dervishes
of Kabul could not

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have been more
ecstatic than we would

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have thwacking book satchels.

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But as for the rest of school,
I was paying so little attention

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that once when I
stayed home sick

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and my mother had to write a
letter of excuse to the teacher

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she asked me what her name
was and I said I did not know.

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You must know what
your teacher's name is.

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I took a stab at it.

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Mrs. Latke, I said, latke
being the Jewish word

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for potato pancakes.

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[LAUGHTER]

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This was around the time
of Hanukkah celebrations.

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My mother laughed
incredulously and compromised

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with the salutation
Dear teacher.

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As I learned soon
after my teacher's name

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was actually Mrs. Babka,
equally improbable.

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She wore her red hair
rolled under a hairnet

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and had a glass
eye, which I once

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saw her taking out
in a luncheonette

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and showing to her
neighbor while I

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watched from a nearby table
with my chocolate milk.

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Now can it be possible that
she really had a glass eye?

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Probably not.

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But why is it that every
time I think of Mrs. Babka

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my mind strays to
that association.

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She had a hair net
and a very large nose,

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of that we can be
sure, and seemed

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to have attained middle age.

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This teacher paid no
attention to me whatsoever,

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which was the kindest thing
she could have done to me.

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She had her Rookie, she
had a favorite Rookie,

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who collected papers
and handed out pencils.

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Rookie, that little
monster with a mini blouse

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and dangling curls,
real name was Shel.

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Teacher's pet we
would yell at her,

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yet secretly I was attracted
to Rookie and admired the way

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she passed out supplies.

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Otherwise I was
so much in a daze

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that once I got
sent on an errand

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to a classroom on the
third floor and by the time

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I hit the stairwell
I had already

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forgotten which room it was.

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Afterwards, Mrs. Babka never
used me as her monitor.

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The school itself was a
wreck from Walt Whitman's day

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with rotting floorboards due to
be condemned in a year or two.

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Already the new annex
that was to replace it

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was rising on the adjoining lot.

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But in a funny way we love
the old school better.

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The boys' bathroom had zinc
urinals with a common trough.

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The fixtures were
green with rust.

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The toilet stalls door-less.

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And the Hadean basement where
we went for our hot lunches,

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an overweight black woman
would dish out tomato soup.

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Every day tomato
soup with a skim.

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Sometimes when the base--
when the basement flooded,

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we walked across a
plank single file

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to get to the food counter.

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And that ends my memories
from first grade.

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In the second grade, I had
another teacher, Mrs. Seligman,

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whose only pleasure was to
gossip with her teacher pals

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during lineups in the
hall and fire drills

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when we were supposed
to be silent.

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Such joy came over her
when another teacher

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entered our classroom.

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She was so bored with the
exclusive company of children,

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poor woman, and lived
for these visits.

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By second grade, I had
been anonymous long enough.

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One day we were
doing show and tell,

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wherein each child bragged how
he or she had been to the beach

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or had on a new
pair of tap shoes.

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My parents had just taken me
to see the movie Les Miserables

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and Robert Newton as a tenacious
gum bearing inspector had

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made a great impression on me.

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Besides, I knew the story
backwards and forwards

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because I had also read
the Classics Illustrated

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comic book.

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As I stood up in front
of the class something

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possessed me to elaborate a
little and bend the truth.

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Mrs. Seligman, I read a
book called Les Miserables.

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She seemed ready to
laugh in my face.

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Oh who is it by?

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Victor Hugo.

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I stood my ground.

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There must have been something
in my plausible, shy, four-eyed

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manner that shook her.

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Her timing was
momentarily upset.

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She asked me to sit down.

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Later when there was
a lull in the activity

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she called me over to her desk.

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Now, tell me did you
honestly read Les Miserables?

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Don't be afraid
to tell the truth.

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Yes.

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It's about this man
named Jean Valjean.

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And I proceeded to tell
half the plot no doubt

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getting the order confused
but still close enough

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to the original to give
this old warhorse pause.

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[LAUGHTER]

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She knew deep down in
her professional soul

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that a child my age did
not have the vocabulary

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or the comprehension
to get through a book

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of that order of complexity.

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But she wanted to
believe, I felt.

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If I stumbled she would
dismiss me in a second

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and I would probably
burst into tears.

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Yet even then I
knew, children know

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it better than adults, that
in telling a lie fidelity

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is everything.

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They can never be
absolutely sure

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if you keep denying
and insisting.

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Just then one of
her teacher pals

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came in, the awesome
Mrs. McGonigle

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who squeezed bad boys
into wastebaskets.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Do you know what, Phillip here
says that he read Viktor Hugo's

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Les Miserables.

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Really, cried her friend archly.

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Can you believe him?

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Well, I don't know.

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What's it about?

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I've never read it.

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He must be very smart if
he read it and I haven't.

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Tell Mrs. McGonigle the story.

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It's about this man
named Jean Valjean who

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stole a loaf of bread I began,
my heart beating as I recounted

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his crime, aware that I myself
was committing a parallel one.

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By this time I had gotten
more than the attention

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I wanted and would have done
anything to return to my seat.

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Mrs. McGonigle was
scrutinizing me sarcastically

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with her bifocals and
I was much more afraid

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of her seeing through my
deception than Mrs. Seligman.

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But it came to me in
a dim haze of surprise

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that Mrs. Seligman seemed
to be taking my side.

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She was nodding and shushing
the other woman's objections.

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Perhaps nothing so
exciting had happened

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to her as a teacher
for months, even years.

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Here was her chance
to flaunt a child

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prodigy in her own classroom
before the other teachers.

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I told the story as
passionately as I could,

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seeing the movie unroll scene
by scene in my mind's eye

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a foot away from the desk.

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There's only one
way to find out,

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interrupted Mrs. McGonigle.

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We will take him
down to the library

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and see if he can read the book.

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My teacher could not
wait to try this out.

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She rose and took my arm.

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Now class, I'm leaving you
alone for a few minutes.

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You are to remain quiet
and in your seats.

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So they marched me over
to the school library.

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I was praying that
the school had

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no such volume on its
shelves but the librarian

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produced Victor Hugo's
masterpiece with dispatch.

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As luck would have it, a
sort of abridged version

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for young adults.

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I knew enough how
to sound out words

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that I was able to stumble
through the first page.

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Fortunately, Mrs. Seligman
snatched the book away from me.

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See, I told you he
was telling the truth.

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Her mocker was silenced and
Seligman was so proud of me

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that she began petting
my head, I who had never

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received more than distracted
frowns from her all year long.

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But it wasn't enough.

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She wanted more.

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She and I would
triumph together.

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I was to be testimony to
her special reading program.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Now she conceived a new plan.

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She would take me around
from class to class

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and tell everyone
about my accomplishment

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and have me read
passages from the book.

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I begged her not to do this.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Not that I had any argument
to offer against it.

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But I gave her to understand by
turning dangerously pale that I

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had had enough
excitement for the day.

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Everyone knows
that those who are

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capable of great
mental feats are also

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susceptible to faints
and dizzy spells.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Insensitive as she
was, she got the point

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and returned me regretfully
to the classroom.

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Every day afterward
I lived in fear

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of being exhibited
before each class

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and made to recount the
deed that I had not done.

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I dreaded the truth coming out.

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Though my teacher did not ask
me to perform Les Miserables

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anymore, nevertheless
she pointed me

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out to any adult who visited
the classroom, including

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the parents of other children.

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I heard them
whispering about me.

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I bowed my head in
shame pretending

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that modesty or
absorption and schoolwork

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made me turn red at the
notoriety gathering around me.

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So my career as genius
and child prodigy began.

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Victor Hugo, hélas, Gide said
when asked to name the greatest

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poet in the French language.

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I say Victor Hugo, hélas,
for another reason.

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My guilt is such
that every time I

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hear that worthy
giant's name I cringe.

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Afterward, I was never able
to read Les Miserables.

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In fact irrationally
or not, I have

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shunned his entire oeuvre."

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[APPLAUSE]

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Thank you.

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