WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.020 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.020 --> 00:00:02.410 align:middle line:90% Hi, everybody. 00:00:02.410 --> 00:00:06.600 align:middle line:84% Thank you so much for having us I'm Juliana Piccillo 00:00:06.600 --> 00:00:10.500 align:middle line:84% and I am from The Sex Workers Outreach Project in Tucson. 00:00:10.500 --> 00:00:15.270 align:middle line:84% I'm a filmmaker, a sex worker rights activist and a writer. 00:00:15.270 --> 00:00:17.360 align:middle line:84% I earned my MFA here at the U of A 00:00:17.360 --> 00:00:21.210 align:middle line:84% and I taught here as an adjunct in Media Arts for many years. 00:00:21.210 --> 00:00:24.180 align:middle line:84% Right now I currently teach at the Tucson complex 00:00:24.180 --> 00:00:26.940 align:middle line:90% of the Arizona State Prison. 00:00:26.940 --> 00:00:29.820 align:middle line:84% I'm in what's called the Cimarron unit. 00:00:29.820 --> 00:00:33.090 align:middle line:84% That is a four, five-yard, meaning a maximum security 00:00:33.090 --> 00:00:34.980 align:middle line:90% yard. 00:00:34.980 --> 00:00:37.260 align:middle line:84% The men don't get out of their cells much. 00:00:37.260 --> 00:00:39.330 align:middle line:84% The only classes taught by outsiders 00:00:39.330 --> 00:00:43.530 align:middle line:84% are religious classes besides this creative writing 00:00:43.530 --> 00:00:46.050 align:middle line:84% class that I inherited from Madeline Kaiser, who 00:00:46.050 --> 00:00:48.180 align:middle line:84% some of you may know, about six months ago. 00:00:48.180 --> 00:00:50.880 align:middle line:90% 00:00:50.880 --> 00:00:53.520 align:middle line:84% The men in my class aren't all writers. 00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:55.920 align:middle line:84% In fact, most of the men in my class aren't writers. 00:00:55.920 --> 00:00:58.350 align:middle line:90% But they write anyway. 00:00:58.350 --> 00:01:00.570 align:middle line:84% They write about loneliness a lot. 00:01:00.570 --> 00:01:02.190 align:middle line:90% They write about their children. 00:01:02.190 --> 00:01:05.700 align:middle line:84% They write about their grandmas, their lovers. 00:01:05.700 --> 00:01:07.920 align:middle line:84% They write about yellow skies and the way 00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:11.100 align:middle line:90% the rain smells on the Res. 00:01:11.100 --> 00:01:15.000 align:middle line:84% About politics and race, they write about black walnut trees 00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:17.160 align:middle line:90% and the Ozarks. 00:01:17.160 --> 00:01:20.460 align:middle line:84% A daughter's pink barrettes and getting 29 years 00:01:20.460 --> 00:01:23.310 align:middle line:90% at the age of 17. 00:01:23.310 --> 00:01:25.800 align:middle line:90% They write a lot about God. 00:01:25.800 --> 00:01:28.680 align:middle line:84% They write to make sense of lives interrupted 00:01:28.680 --> 00:01:32.160 align:middle line:84% by incarceration and lives effectively ended 00:01:32.160 --> 00:01:35.130 align:middle line:90% by incarceration. 00:01:35.130 --> 00:01:37.980 align:middle line:84% They write to show what's beautiful in survival, 00:01:37.980 --> 00:01:40.770 align:middle line:90% resistance, and struggle. 00:01:40.770 --> 00:01:44.430 align:middle line:84% They write to get out for a little while. 00:01:44.430 --> 00:01:50.520 align:middle line:84% They are surprisingly tender and raw, and it is humbling. 00:01:50.520 --> 00:01:54.660 align:middle line:84% They actually fought over bell hooks' book. 00:01:54.660 --> 00:01:57.360 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:01:57.360 --> 00:02:01.230 align:middle line:84% I brought in The Will To Change and we read a chapter out loud. 00:02:01.230 --> 00:02:07.170 align:middle line:84% And I had a line fighting to get a copy of that book, which 00:02:07.170 --> 00:02:10.770 align:middle line:90% was incredibly moving. 00:02:10.770 --> 00:02:13.200 align:middle line:84% They trust me and they trust each other 00:02:13.200 --> 00:02:15.810 align:middle line:90% in ways that scare me. 00:02:15.810 --> 00:02:17.610 align:middle line:90% Because we are in prison. 00:02:17.610 --> 00:02:20.160 align:middle line:90% Because I'm going home. 00:02:20.160 --> 00:02:22.200 align:middle line:84% Because I don't know if I can help them 00:02:22.200 --> 00:02:24.690 align:middle line:90% with writing or anything else. 00:02:24.690 --> 00:02:28.980 align:middle line:84% And because they aren't going home, some of them, ever. 00:02:28.980 --> 00:02:32.520 align:middle line:84% I'm putting together a website right now to showcase 00:02:32.520 --> 00:02:34.440 align:middle line:90% their writing and their artwork. 00:02:34.440 --> 00:02:37.072 align:middle line:84% And in class, we were brainstorming names 00:02:37.072 --> 00:02:39.030 align:middle line:84% and we were tossing around all kinds of things. 00:02:39.030 --> 00:02:41.790 align:middle line:84% And somebody yelled out "The Forgotten" 00:02:41.790 --> 00:02:45.240 align:middle line:84% and the entire class just unanimously erupted 00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:47.580 align:middle line:90% in, "Yes, yes, yes." 00:02:47.580 --> 00:02:49.270 align:middle line:90% Because that's what they are. 00:02:49.270 --> 00:02:53.160 align:middle line:84% They are forgotten, and they know it. 00:02:53.160 --> 00:02:55.020 align:middle line:90% And I know it. 00:02:55.020 --> 00:02:58.110 align:middle line:84% And honestly, I'd like to forget, too. 00:02:58.110 --> 00:03:00.810 align:middle line:84% It is heartbreaking, seeing up close 00:03:00.810 --> 00:03:04.830 align:middle line:84% what we do to our brothers and sisters who are incarcerated. 00:03:04.830 --> 00:03:07.950 align:middle line:90% It is absolutely heartbreaking. 00:03:07.950 --> 00:03:11.340 align:middle line:90% It is hard to look at. 00:03:11.340 --> 00:03:14.100 align:middle line:84% My classmates every Monday from 3:00 to 5:00, 00:03:14.100 --> 00:03:16.140 align:middle line:84% I still struggle after six months 00:03:16.140 --> 00:03:18.660 align:middle line:84% to compartmentalize what I do there 00:03:18.660 --> 00:03:21.750 align:middle line:84% and what happens when I'm gone, that men in their 30s 00:03:21.750 --> 00:03:25.230 align:middle line:84% die there because they don't get medical care. 00:03:25.230 --> 00:03:28.020 align:middle line:84% Guys are moved hundreds of miles away from their families 00:03:28.020 --> 00:03:29.760 align:middle line:90% with no notice. 00:03:29.760 --> 00:03:33.210 align:middle line:84% And every Monday, I show up and talk about metaphors and show, 00:03:33.210 --> 00:03:33.930 align:middle line:90% don't tell. 00:03:33.930 --> 00:03:36.750 align:middle line:90% 00:03:36.750 --> 00:03:39.360 align:middle line:84% But I try to teach these things because I so want 00:03:39.360 --> 00:03:42.360 align:middle line:90% them to tell their own stories. 00:03:42.360 --> 00:03:44.778 align:middle line:84% As I said, I'm a sex worker rights advocate. 00:03:44.778 --> 00:03:47.070 align:middle line:84% And there's a saying in the sex worker rights movement, 00:03:47.070 --> 00:03:50.610 align:middle line:84% which I've been a part of for over two decades, "nothing 00:03:50.610 --> 00:03:53.990 align:middle line:90% about us without us." 00:03:53.990 --> 00:03:56.000 align:middle line:84% It's meant to remind the outside world 00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:58.970 align:middle line:90% that these are our stories. 00:03:58.970 --> 00:04:02.630 align:middle line:84% That who tells the stories of marginalized people, 00:04:02.630 --> 00:04:07.700 align:middle line:84% marginalized people themselves or other folks, matters. 00:04:07.700 --> 00:04:11.360 align:middle line:84% And this is what my students wanted me to tell you. 00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:14.270 align:middle line:90% "We aren't monsters." 00:04:14.270 --> 00:04:15.650 align:middle line:90% Several of them said that. 00:04:15.650 --> 00:04:18.740 align:middle line:90% 00:04:18.740 --> 00:04:22.730 align:middle line:84% Another said, "It hurts that my identity and my humanity 00:04:22.730 --> 00:04:25.880 align:middle line:84% has been reduced to prisoner when I am 00:04:25.880 --> 00:04:28.940 align:middle line:90% and want to be so much more." 00:04:28.940 --> 00:04:31.880 align:middle line:84% Another said that he's learned by being incarcerated, 00:04:31.880 --> 00:04:34.310 align:middle line:84% that his life isn't measured by his successes 00:04:34.310 --> 00:04:37.670 align:middle line:84% but by the mistakes that he's made. 00:04:37.670 --> 00:04:39.770 align:middle line:84% My students' fierce resilience in the face 00:04:39.770 --> 00:04:42.860 align:middle line:84% of a world they know will always see them as broken and suspect 00:04:42.860 --> 00:04:45.680 align:middle line:84% is relatable to me as a former sex worker. 00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:48.830 align:middle line:84% Sex workers also face incarceration, surveillance, 00:04:48.830 --> 00:04:51.470 align:middle line:90% and lifelong stigma. 00:04:51.470 --> 00:04:53.120 align:middle line:84% I used to say that being a sex worker 00:04:53.120 --> 00:04:55.190 align:middle line:84% is like being a murderer-- you do it once 00:04:55.190 --> 00:04:56.930 align:middle line:84% and it defines you forever, no matter 00:04:56.930 --> 00:04:59.870 align:middle line:90% what else you accomplish. 00:04:59.870 --> 00:05:02.810 align:middle line:90% Sex, work, art, power. 00:05:02.810 --> 00:05:05.420 align:middle line:84% That's a slogan, an early slogan of the sex worker rights 00:05:05.420 --> 00:05:06.800 align:middle line:90% movement in Tucson. 00:05:06.800 --> 00:05:08.630 align:middle line:84% One that I conceived of with my friend 00:05:08.630 --> 00:05:12.350 align:middle line:84% Erin Whitfield, although we argue over whose idea it was. 00:05:12.350 --> 00:05:17.630 align:middle line:84% She insists it was hers, and I simply said, yeah, great idea. 00:05:17.630 --> 00:05:20.060 align:middle line:90% I'm not so sure. 00:05:20.060 --> 00:05:21.800 align:middle line:90% While we were getting at-- 00:05:21.800 --> 00:05:23.960 align:middle line:84% and what then was, and now is still, 00:05:23.960 --> 00:05:28.370 align:middle line:84% a radical idea-- is that sex work is work. 00:05:28.370 --> 00:05:33.410 align:middle line:84% From the lowest end to the highest end, it is a job. 00:05:33.410 --> 00:05:35.870 align:middle line:84% It is something people do to survive and put food 00:05:35.870 --> 00:05:37.730 align:middle line:90% on the table. 00:05:37.730 --> 00:05:40.520 align:middle line:90% Sex workers are often artists. 00:05:40.520 --> 00:05:44.420 align:middle line:84% And sex work can be a source of power. 00:05:44.420 --> 00:05:47.180 align:middle line:84% The prevailing discourse controlled by non-sex workers 00:05:47.180 --> 00:05:49.550 align:middle line:84% says that the work is demeaning, can't be a choice, 00:05:49.550 --> 00:05:51.350 align:middle line:90% is always violent. 00:05:51.350 --> 00:05:55.250 align:middle line:84% Interestingly, this discourse is often disseminated by artists, 00:05:55.250 --> 00:05:57.320 align:middle line:90% by journalists. 00:05:57.320 --> 00:06:01.460 align:middle line:84% People seem to love slumming it in the abject spaces, 00:06:01.460 --> 00:06:05.300 align:middle line:84% missing wholly the most important parts-- 00:06:05.300 --> 00:06:08.885 align:middle line:84% our resilience, our fierce community, and our triumphs. 00:06:08.885 --> 00:06:12.360 align:middle line:90% 00:06:12.360 --> 00:06:14.760 align:middle line:90% Art can append stereotypes. 00:06:14.760 --> 00:06:17.910 align:middle line:84% But it can also instill them and reapply them. 00:06:17.910 --> 00:06:20.130 align:middle line:90% And stereotypes are not benign. 00:06:20.130 --> 00:06:21.420 align:middle line:90% They have consequences. 00:06:21.420 --> 00:06:24.030 align:middle line:84% Repeating and refashioning stereotypes 00:06:24.030 --> 00:06:26.010 align:middle line:84% twists them into a pseudo knowing, 00:06:26.010 --> 00:06:28.830 align:middle line:84% which then informs policy from international frameworks 00:06:28.830 --> 00:06:30.420 align:middle line:90% to local laws. 00:06:30.420 --> 00:06:32.430 align:middle line:84% What other people think they know 00:06:32.430 --> 00:06:34.710 align:middle line:84% about sex workers and incarcerated people 00:06:34.710 --> 00:06:38.250 align:middle line:84% has resulted in increased prison sentences, increased 00:06:38.250 --> 00:06:40.110 align:middle line:84% surveillance, and increased stigma. 00:06:40.110 --> 00:06:43.230 align:middle line:84% And it is destroying lives, it's destroying communities, 00:06:43.230 --> 00:06:46.710 align:middle line:84% and it is killing people, literally. 00:06:46.710 --> 00:06:49.170 align:middle line:84% So tonight, I am especially proud to present 00:06:49.170 --> 00:06:53.550 align:middle line:84% to you, people who make art from their lived experiences. 00:06:53.550 --> 00:06:56.040 align:middle line:90% I met Erin almost 25 years ago. 00:06:56.040 --> 00:06:58.740 align:middle line:84% I had just moved to Tucson, and she was reading poetry 00:06:58.740 --> 00:07:00.150 align:middle line:90% about having been a sex worker. 00:07:00.150 --> 00:07:02.640 align:middle line:84% Her work was brutal and gorgeous, 00:07:02.640 --> 00:07:04.590 align:middle line:84% and I ran up to her after she finished. 00:07:04.590 --> 00:07:06.510 align:middle line:90% I think I frightened her. 00:07:06.510 --> 00:07:10.360 align:middle line:84% I grabbed a hold of her ankle and I have not let go. 00:07:10.360 --> 00:07:12.240 align:middle line:84% She's also a capital defense paralegal, 00:07:12.240 --> 00:07:15.030 align:middle line:84% an advocate for the abolishment of the death penalty. 00:07:15.030 --> 00:07:18.510 align:middle line:84% She's a former host of Hotel Congress's performance poetry 00:07:18.510 --> 00:07:21.480 align:middle line:84% show Drunken Word Poets and founder of the Hardcore Poetry 00:07:21.480 --> 00:07:23.010 align:middle line:90% Slam. 00:07:23.010 --> 00:07:26.200 align:middle line:84% I met Yolanda Gómez when she was an undergrad at the U of A 00:07:26.200 --> 00:07:28.470 align:middle line:84% and she was running a drop-in group for sex workers 00:07:28.470 --> 00:07:30.240 align:middle line:90% at the anti-violence project. 00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:32.760 align:middle line:84% And she introduced me to a group of brilliant brave 00:07:32.760 --> 00:07:37.500 align:middle line:84% young people, who I have been continually inspired by. 00:07:37.500 --> 00:07:41.340 align:middle line:84% She makes fearless art and does fearless activism. 00:07:41.340 --> 00:07:44.640 align:middle line:84% Yola is a first generation Chicanx femme, 00:07:44.640 --> 00:07:47.430 align:middle line:84% a graduate student at Oregon State Cascades MFA 00:07:47.430 --> 00:07:48.960 align:middle line:90% in Creative Writing Program. 00:07:48.960 --> 00:07:51.840 align:middle line:84% She is co-editor of Red Umbrella Babies: 00:07:51.840 --> 00:07:54.150 align:middle line:84% Sex Work And Parenting, An Anthology. 00:07:54.150 --> 00:07:57.990 align:middle line:84% Her poetry has been published in several literary journals. 00:07:57.990 --> 00:08:00.730 align:middle line:84% I'd like to welcome Yola to read. 00:08:00.730 --> 00:08:06.550 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:08:06.550 --> 00:08:08.290 align:middle line:90% 00:08:08.290 --> 00:08:10.920 align:middle line:90% [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Yola. 00:08:10.920 --> 00:08:13.770 align:middle line:90% Hola, me llama Yolanda. 00:08:13.770 --> 00:08:15.720 align:middle line:84% Before I begin, I would like to take a moment 00:08:15.720 --> 00:08:18.810 align:middle line:84% to recognize that we are settlers on colonized land. 00:08:18.810 --> 00:08:25.030 align:middle line:90% 00:08:25.030 --> 00:08:29.290 align:middle line:84% This poem is for Charlie Landeros, a friend and comrade 00:08:29.290 --> 00:08:32.440 align:middle line:84% who was recently murdered by the police in Eugene, Oregon. 00:08:32.440 --> 00:08:33.640 align:middle line:90% I miss him dearly. 00:08:33.640 --> 00:08:35.289 align:middle line:90% Miss them dearly, excuse me. 00:08:35.289 --> 00:08:38.409 align:middle line:90% 00:08:38.409 --> 00:08:40.270 align:middle line:90% It's about 6:00 AM. 00:08:40.270 --> 00:08:42.130 align:middle line:90% Started drinking with my friend. 00:08:42.130 --> 00:08:45.490 align:middle line:84% The one who had a shootout with the cops and lived. 00:08:45.490 --> 00:08:48.640 align:middle line:84% We're here talking about a flask, paper bag, 00:08:48.640 --> 00:08:52.180 align:middle line:84% some kind of talk about getting in trouble in gin or whiskey 00:08:52.180 --> 00:08:55.990 align:middle line:84% or about that bum jug of Carlo Rossi, Pacific Northwest 00:08:55.990 --> 00:08:58.030 align:middle line:84% green scare and how they tortured 00:08:58.030 --> 00:09:00.100 align:middle line:84% our friend into wearing a wire, locked him 00:09:00.100 --> 00:09:01.510 align:middle line:90% up while coming down. 00:09:01.510 --> 00:09:03.400 align:middle line:90% Yeah, we call him a snake now. 00:09:03.400 --> 00:09:05.890 align:middle line:84% We exchange street stories and scars. 00:09:05.890 --> 00:09:08.740 align:middle line:84% That one from a knife fight that looks like a centipede. 00:09:08.740 --> 00:09:11.440 align:middle line:90% Proud scars, raised skin. 00:09:11.440 --> 00:09:14.170 align:middle line:84% And through mispronunciations and slurred speech, 00:09:14.170 --> 00:09:16.540 align:middle line:84% talked about the weather and the feel of the place 00:09:16.540 --> 00:09:18.700 align:middle line:90% without ever really talking. 00:09:18.700 --> 00:09:20.470 align:middle line:90% I was about 20. 00:09:20.470 --> 00:09:23.410 align:middle line:84% Family had lots of run-ins with the law. 00:09:23.410 --> 00:09:26.890 align:middle line:84% Held down, strapped down, screamed at, stripped down. 00:09:26.890 --> 00:09:30.850 align:middle line:84% d it's about noon, or maybe it's only 10:00. 00:09:30.850 --> 00:09:32.352 align:middle line:90% Me with my friend. 00:09:32.352 --> 00:09:33.310 align:middle line:90% And we're on the porch. 00:09:33.310 --> 00:09:35.768 align:middle line:84% And we're sipping and struggling to make sense of the world 00:09:35.768 --> 00:09:37.480 align:middle line:90% without ever saying as much. 00:09:37.480 --> 00:09:39.850 align:middle line:84% Someone calls us native or foreign. 00:09:39.850 --> 00:09:43.120 align:middle line:84% My friend laughs, Ojibwe, and sips, passes it to me, 00:09:43.120 --> 00:09:45.700 align:middle line:90% and I say, I'm nothing. 00:09:45.700 --> 00:09:48.640 align:middle line:90% But I am, or I was. 00:09:48.640 --> 00:09:51.610 align:middle line:84% And we have the feeling of being on display-- 00:09:51.610 --> 00:09:54.340 align:middle line:84% us on the porch, and them, staring from the grass. 00:09:54.340 --> 00:10:00.718 align:middle line:84% Man, white anarchists are a trip, we say, with a glance. 00:10:00.718 --> 00:10:01.510 align:middle line:90% And now it's later. 00:10:01.510 --> 00:10:02.290 align:middle line:90% Maybe it's noon. 00:10:02.290 --> 00:10:03.010 align:middle line:90% It's not 10. 00:10:03.010 --> 00:10:04.780 align:middle line:84% And my white old man boyfriend comes 00:10:04.780 --> 00:10:06.310 align:middle line:90% because they say I'm acting up. 00:10:06.310 --> 00:10:07.510 align:middle line:90% Don't want the law to come. 00:10:07.510 --> 00:10:08.650 align:middle line:90% The pigs, they say. 00:10:08.650 --> 00:10:12.220 align:middle line:84% And the bomb jug pulls up, and we happen to get out of hand. 00:10:12.220 --> 00:10:16.840 align:middle line:84% My white old man boyfriend tries it, but I'm a feral thing. 00:10:16.840 --> 00:10:18.880 align:middle line:90% They say, she's wild. 00:10:18.880 --> 00:10:22.150 align:middle line:90% And I say, I'm nothing. 00:10:22.150 --> 00:10:24.370 align:middle line:84% So he chases me down, drags me in. 00:10:24.370 --> 00:10:25.323 align:middle line:90% My friend gets away. 00:10:25.323 --> 00:10:25.990 align:middle line:90% He knows better. 00:10:25.990 --> 00:10:28.270 align:middle line:90% He fought a gun battle and won. 00:10:28.270 --> 00:10:32.230 align:middle line:84% And here comes the law, flashing lights. 00:10:32.230 --> 00:10:33.760 align:middle line:90% Welfare check, they say. 00:10:33.760 --> 00:10:36.310 align:middle line:84% And I say something not in English, 00:10:36.310 --> 00:10:37.570 align:middle line:90% but they know what I mean. 00:10:37.570 --> 00:10:40.180 align:middle line:84% And we know they just lie by looking at them. 00:10:40.180 --> 00:10:41.800 align:middle line:90% And they give chase. 00:10:41.800 --> 00:10:45.490 align:middle line:84% And I'm caught for being unconcerned for my own safety. 00:10:45.490 --> 00:10:48.760 align:middle line:84% Cop pulled his gun and pointed at close range at my head. 00:10:48.760 --> 00:10:50.800 align:middle line:84% Said something like, he didn't take a shot 00:10:50.800 --> 00:10:53.170 align:middle line:84% because officers in his line of fire. 00:10:53.170 --> 00:10:56.350 align:middle line:84% And through the thin worn fibers of a grayish purple pillowcase 00:10:56.350 --> 00:10:59.170 align:middle line:84% pulled over my head, slow motion beating by 5, 00:10:59.170 --> 00:11:01.240 align:middle line:84% I'm kicking and wailing, but the sound is gone. 00:11:01.240 --> 00:11:02.770 align:middle line:90% Now my head is ringing. 00:11:02.770 --> 00:11:03.998 align:middle line:90% Killers in my house. 00:11:03.998 --> 00:11:06.040 align:middle line:84% And they beat me till I can't see out my left eye 00:11:06.040 --> 00:11:07.510 align:middle line:90% and my hands are black and blue. 00:11:07.510 --> 00:11:09.520 align:middle line:84% And I spit, and a lady cop laughs. 00:11:09.520 --> 00:11:16.870 align:middle line:84% And I'm caught, stripped down, bent over, invaded, thrown out, 00:11:16.870 --> 00:11:18.430 align:middle line:90% and inside my kennel. 00:11:18.430 --> 00:11:20.440 align:middle line:84% I'm groped by a guard that offers 00:11:20.440 --> 00:11:22.390 align:middle line:90% extra food for a hand job. 00:11:22.390 --> 00:11:24.730 align:middle line:90% Another gives me a Bible. 00:11:24.730 --> 00:11:27.340 align:middle line:90% 15 to 20, they say. 00:11:27.340 --> 00:11:30.460 align:middle line:84% Hit that cop with his own baton, they say. 00:11:30.460 --> 00:11:31.480 align:middle line:90% Wild girl, they say. 00:11:31.480 --> 00:11:34.930 align:middle line:84% I say, I'm nothing, but I guess I was the threat of existence. 00:11:34.930 --> 00:11:37.150 align:middle line:84% We all were, me and the others inside, 00:11:37.150 --> 00:11:38.590 align:middle line:84% and we look at each other and talk 00:11:38.590 --> 00:11:41.510 align:middle line:84% about the feel of the place without saying as much. 00:11:41.510 --> 00:11:46.330 align:middle line:84% And the white girls sit on one side, and us on the other. 00:11:46.330 --> 00:11:48.520 align:middle line:90% And I get up and walk around. 00:11:48.520 --> 00:11:51.040 align:middle line:90% But that means that I can. 00:11:51.040 --> 00:11:52.810 align:middle line:90% And I put my hair in braids. 00:11:52.810 --> 00:11:56.650 align:middle line:84% And my pro bono lawyer says, she has promise. 00:11:56.650 --> 00:11:58.750 align:middle line:90% Now I'm 21. 00:11:58.750 --> 00:12:02.110 align:middle line:84% Just found out I'm pregnant by my white old man boyfriend. 00:12:02.110 --> 00:12:04.075 align:middle line:84% And the judge, he looks at me and tells me, 00:12:04.075 --> 00:12:05.950 align:middle line:84% just put another girl in for 15 for something 00:12:05.950 --> 00:12:07.617 align:middle line:84% less than what you got accused of doing. 00:12:07.617 --> 00:12:10.422 align:middle line:84% You know, he says her skin was darker than mine 00:12:10.422 --> 00:12:11.380 align:middle line:90% without saying as much. 00:12:11.380 --> 00:12:13.270 align:middle line:90% And I just look at him. 00:12:13.270 --> 00:12:14.650 align:middle line:90% I got out. 00:12:14.650 --> 00:12:17.410 align:middle line:84% And I didn't give birth locked up, cuffed, held down. 00:12:17.410 --> 00:12:19.150 align:middle line:90% Didn't have my baby taken away. 00:12:19.150 --> 00:12:20.770 align:middle line:90% Didn't get shot in the head. 00:12:20.770 --> 00:12:24.160 align:middle line:84% Got to live another day, and I got friends that died in here. 00:12:24.160 --> 00:12:25.120 align:middle line:90% Died out there, too. 00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:26.560 align:middle line:90% Shot dead in front of a school. 00:12:26.560 --> 00:12:29.770 align:middle line:84% Shot dead and had folks call it suicide by cop. 00:12:29.770 --> 00:12:31.270 align:middle line:90% And I'm here. 00:12:31.270 --> 00:12:35.115 align:middle line:84% Survivor's guilt. But that one time I was 20, 00:12:35.115 --> 00:12:36.490 align:middle line:84% I started drinking around 6:00 AM 00:12:36.490 --> 00:12:38.980 align:middle line:84% with my friend, the one that had a shootout with the cops 00:12:38.980 --> 00:12:40.300 align:middle line:90% and lived. 00:12:40.300 --> 00:12:43.240 align:middle line:84% We plan in whispers of backpacks, weapons, 00:12:43.240 --> 00:12:45.250 align:middle line:84% some kind of government surveillance and gin 00:12:45.250 --> 00:12:50.350 align:middle line:84% or whiskey, or about that bum jug of Carlo Rossi. 00:12:50.350 --> 00:12:52.420 align:middle line:84% Through mispronunciations and slurred speech, 00:12:52.420 --> 00:12:54.400 align:middle line:84% talked about why life is worth living 00:12:54.400 --> 00:12:58.030 align:middle line:84% and of the feel of the place without ever really knowing. 00:12:58.030 --> 00:13:02.110 align:middle line:84% Run-ins with truth and reality, born as though dead, 00:13:02.110 --> 00:13:05.830 align:middle line:84% spoken of as numbers, mourned through clenched fists, 00:13:05.830 --> 00:13:07.570 align:middle line:90% buried still alive. 00:13:07.570 --> 00:13:10.810 align:middle line:84% I'm still alive, still on the outside. 00:13:10.810 --> 00:13:14.080 align:middle line:84% And we all look at each other and know why 00:13:14.080 --> 00:13:17.810 align:middle line:90% without saying as much. 00:13:17.810 --> 00:13:18.573 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:13:18.573 --> 00:13:27.270 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:13:27.270 --> 00:13:31.870 align:middle line:84% Next, Erin Whitfield, beautiful writer, performer. 00:13:31.870 --> 00:13:34.120 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:13:34.120 --> 00:13:39.510 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:13:39.510 --> 00:13:41.970 align:middle line:90% 00:13:41.970 --> 00:13:43.470 align:middle line:90% I'm Erin Whitfield. 00:13:43.470 --> 00:13:44.820 align:middle line:90% I'm honored to be here tonight. 00:13:44.820 --> 00:13:48.640 align:middle line:90% 00:13:48.640 --> 00:13:52.980 align:middle line:84% This poem is about my experiences 00:13:52.980 --> 00:13:59.160 align:middle line:84% as a juvenile offender or in the juvenile justice system 00:13:59.160 --> 00:14:01.020 align:middle line:90% back in the 70s. 00:14:01.020 --> 00:14:08.475 align:middle line:84% And it was really difficult to write. 00:14:08.475 --> 00:14:10.710 align:middle line:84% Actually, I started writing in 2002. 00:14:10.710 --> 00:14:13.020 align:middle line:84% You know that one poem that you have? 00:14:13.020 --> 00:14:14.880 align:middle line:84% You just like working on like pretty much 00:14:14.880 --> 00:14:16.492 align:middle line:90% for the rest of-- this is mine. 00:14:16.492 --> 00:14:17.440 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:14:17.440 --> 00:14:17.940 align:middle line:90% So. 00:14:17.940 --> 00:14:22.020 align:middle line:90% 00:14:22.020 --> 00:14:27.420 align:middle line:84% Stars fall inside Jack's blue room on Congress Avenue. 00:14:27.420 --> 00:14:31.830 align:middle line:84% And I can't tell if it's raining dime store rhinestones 00:14:31.830 --> 00:14:34.470 align:middle line:90% or the light is playing tricks. 00:14:34.470 --> 00:14:36.210 align:middle line:90% It is so quiet. 00:14:36.210 --> 00:14:39.960 align:middle line:84% You can hear the nine ball click the three. 00:14:39.960 --> 00:14:44.220 align:middle line:84% In the back room, Black men old as swamp tree stumps 00:14:44.220 --> 00:14:49.800 align:middle line:84% toss bourbon and bones, eyes wet, tequila sunrise. 00:14:49.800 --> 00:14:52.680 align:middle line:84% I'm drinking Southern Comfort because that's 00:14:52.680 --> 00:14:55.290 align:middle line:90% what Janis Joplin drinks. 00:14:55.290 --> 00:14:59.100 align:middle line:84% And the ice cubes inside my glass of whisky rocks 00:14:59.100 --> 00:15:01.890 align:middle line:90% are translucent ballerinas. 00:15:01.890 --> 00:15:06.060 align:middle line:84% And each of them are in love with me, 00:15:06.060 --> 00:15:10.320 align:middle line:84% and because of their devotion, dance and swirl each time 00:15:10.320 --> 00:15:12.720 align:middle line:90% I take a sip. 00:15:12.720 --> 00:15:16.290 align:middle line:84% I would applaud them, but I am not yet drunk enough. 00:15:16.290 --> 00:15:20.460 align:middle line:84% So I summon the bartender with a subtle float of a 5 00:15:20.460 --> 00:15:24.720 align:middle line:84% from my purse to the wet lake of melting booze spreading 00:15:24.720 --> 00:15:29.220 align:middle line:84% across the bar with a grace only a true alcoholic can 00:15:29.220 --> 00:15:31.470 align:middle line:90% appreciate. 00:15:31.470 --> 00:15:35.100 align:middle line:84% Outside, night's black hand fingers its way 00:15:35.100 --> 00:15:37.170 align:middle line:90% through the open door. 00:15:37.170 --> 00:15:41.650 align:middle line:90% Dinner hour comes and goes. 00:15:41.650 --> 00:15:44.820 align:middle line:84% The air cools, and someone in the kitchen 00:15:44.820 --> 00:15:47.430 align:middle line:90% is whistling a Cat Stevens tune. 00:15:47.430 --> 00:15:50.835 align:middle line:84% And it reminds me of my bedroom on First Avenue. 00:15:50.835 --> 00:15:58.020 align:middle line:90% 00:15:58.020 --> 00:16:00.810 align:middle line:84% Mom signed the adoption papers last year. 00:16:00.810 --> 00:16:03.960 align:middle line:84% But I know my stepdad was behind it all. 00:16:03.960 --> 00:16:06.960 align:middle line:84% Officially, I'm a ward of the state of Arizona, 00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:09.300 align:middle line:84% a juvenile delinquent whose misdeeds 00:16:09.300 --> 00:16:11.940 align:middle line:84% include running away from home and getting 00:16:11.940 --> 00:16:13.740 align:middle line:90% caught smoking weed. 00:16:13.740 --> 00:16:19.290 align:middle line:84% It's 1976, and yes, they let kids drink in bars. 00:16:19.290 --> 00:16:21.390 align:middle line:84% This time next year, I'll be doing 00:16:21.390 --> 00:16:24.600 align:middle line:90% 18 months in a junior prison. 00:16:24.600 --> 00:16:26.940 align:middle line:90% I've never stolen anything. 00:16:26.940 --> 00:16:29.070 align:middle line:90% I've never hurt anyone. 00:16:29.070 --> 00:16:32.850 align:middle line:84% And because it's the 70s, no one has ever asked me, 00:16:32.850 --> 00:16:35.800 align:middle line:90% why all the running away? 00:16:35.800 --> 00:16:38.970 align:middle line:84% It's not that I'm a case number on a pile of paperwork 00:16:38.970 --> 00:16:41.430 align:middle line:84% that no one has ever explained to me. 00:16:41.430 --> 00:16:43.665 align:middle line:84% There's just too many cracks to fall through. 00:16:43.665 --> 00:16:47.510 align:middle line:90% 00:16:47.510 --> 00:16:50.540 align:middle line:84% Being locked up is bad enough because I never 00:16:50.540 --> 00:16:52.400 align:middle line:90% liked myself that much anyways. 00:16:52.400 --> 00:16:54.950 align:middle line:84% And that's probably why they have jails-- 00:16:54.950 --> 00:16:57.710 align:middle line:84% so you have to spend 24 hours a day 00:16:57.710 --> 00:17:00.980 align:middle line:90% with your least favorite person. 00:17:00.980 --> 00:17:02.930 align:middle line:90% And I even have to be grateful. 00:17:02.930 --> 00:17:05.990 align:middle line:84% Whenever mom visits me in whatever facility 00:17:05.990 --> 00:17:11.089 align:middle line:84% I've landed in, she brings me notes from my kid brothers, 00:17:11.089 --> 00:17:15.230 align:middle line:84% pictures of my cat, Pyewacket, looks away 00:17:15.230 --> 00:17:17.390 align:middle line:84% when I ask what she's done with my Alice Cooper 00:17:17.390 --> 00:17:20.420 align:middle line:84% albums and my collection of ceramic mushrooms. 00:17:20.420 --> 00:17:25.819 align:middle line:90% 00:17:25.819 --> 00:17:28.940 align:middle line:84% Sometimes, I can hear the football team 00:17:28.940 --> 00:17:32.300 align:middle line:84% on the practice field at Tucson High or the brass band 00:17:32.300 --> 00:17:35.960 align:middle line:84% playing an incoherent version of We Are The Champions. 00:17:35.960 --> 00:17:39.770 align:middle line:84% And I wonder what my family is having for dinner just 00:17:39.770 --> 00:17:42.140 align:middle line:90% six blocks away. 00:17:42.140 --> 00:17:45.530 align:middle line:84% But tonight, I got my friends with me, 00:17:45.530 --> 00:17:49.880 align:middle line:84% these ice cubes hopelessly melting, the bartender who's 00:17:49.880 --> 00:17:53.180 align:middle line:84% thinking twice, this shit bag dealer 00:17:53.180 --> 00:17:57.860 align:middle line:84% who thinks I don't know what a dime bag weighs. 00:17:57.860 --> 00:18:00.380 align:middle line:84% I've been waiting on Jimmy for three days 00:18:00.380 --> 00:18:03.860 align:middle line:84% now because he promised me a ride to California. 00:18:03.860 --> 00:18:06.800 align:middle line:84% And all I want to do is curl into the backseat 00:18:06.800 --> 00:18:11.330 align:middle line:84% of his Daytona, my coat pulled tightly around my thin body, 00:18:11.330 --> 00:18:15.200 align:middle line:84% like the hug of someone who loves me. 00:18:15.200 --> 00:18:16.580 align:middle line:90% So yeah. 00:18:16.580 --> 00:18:20.990 align:middle line:84% Feel free, Mr Bartender, with your hateful eyebrow cocked. 00:18:20.990 --> 00:18:24.920 align:middle line:84% Toss me out into the midnight with the rest of the ghouls. 00:18:24.920 --> 00:18:28.100 align:middle line:90% My name is Erin Noreena Edgar. 00:18:28.100 --> 00:18:32.690 align:middle line:84% I am barely 16 years old and I am flawed. 00:18:32.690 --> 00:18:34.640 align:middle line:90% And I have made mistakes. 00:18:34.640 --> 00:18:38.330 align:middle line:84% And my probation officer Ruben Salinas Gomez 00:18:38.330 --> 00:18:43.010 align:middle line:84% is trying to fuck me and I don't want to go back to jail. 00:18:43.010 --> 00:18:44.120 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:18:44.120 --> 00:18:45.970 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:18:45.970 --> 00:18:53.000 align:middle line:90%