And from my book out there somewhere,
I was telling a friend the title of this book is Acoma.
Hauchaw tyah haati.
Out There Somewhere.
"For now, it's enough.
Late night at ARA House.
Thank God.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been for 20 years.
And I celebrate every time I say that.
Recovery is great.
And it works, truly.
After midnight, what else can a late night be but late?
A question and not a question.
Not much to know.
Not sleepy though tired.
A dull taste in the mouth and a tugging or pushing
at something, something from within from inside.
Not quite sure what it is, nerves or something, something.
Not even remembering other late nights,
maybe a security in not remembering,
a security in not knowing anything for sure.
It's OK not to remember as long as I don't expect anything.
From time to time, it's OK.
Worry some other time or let others
worry about what I'm supposed to be doing.
I'm just glad I'm alive, just glad I'm not dead.
Like Jim Pepper sings in his song, just glad.
I'd been looking forward to today
and that I've been sober to this point.
It's 12:39 AM, and I've made it this far.
Yesterday is gone.
I didn't drink, and I'm glad.
For that gladness, be happy.
Be happy.
That's what I tell myself.
But shit, I didn't do much today.
And shitty job I've done tonight.
Not much happened.
Answered the phone several times.
Sat down to write to Peg.
Oh, love.
Want to talk with her, hold her, love her.
That's all.
Not much.
But more than I have right now.
More than possible perhaps.
Though anything may happen any time again, give it time.
No, it won't.
Give it time anyway.
It's all right.
I have only these feelings and not much more than that.
Be glad you're thankful for being glad.
Thank God you're not dead.
Put out 9:30 snacks.
Not much there either.
Cheese, bagels, stale white bread, peanut butter and jam.
Slice off moldy cheese edge and bread pudding.
That's all.
Put coffee on.
Nobody touches much of anything.
Cook made the bread pudding and served it at supper.
Nobody touched it then.
Nobody touched it tonight.
It's that way with everything.
There just isn't much happening.
There's just not much to expect.
Thank God you're not dead.
I'm glad that's all there is, these measly little things.
If there were more, I don't know what I would do.
I'll have to make choices, take chances, decide,
and I really don't want to do that tonight.
For now, my life is enough.
There's not much more to expect.
I laid down on my bed for a while
this afternoon after I got back from Oakland
and started to take a short nap.
But then, I wanted to run, just run.
So I put on my jogging outfit and shoes.
But by the time I was ready to go out, it started to rain.
So I didn't run much.
Just down the hill to the drugstore
and got some envelopes I've been meaning
to get for several days.
It was cold out too.
And I wanted to run for just a bit.
Not far.
Just a bit farther.
But that was OK too.
It's like everything else.
I don't want a lot, just enough."