WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.690 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.690 --> 00:00:01.500 align:middle line:90% OK. 00:00:01.500 --> 00:00:07.660 align:middle line:90% So let's hear-- yeah. 00:00:07.660 --> 00:00:11.025 align:middle line:84% Since we're kind of on the vein of bad men. 00:00:11.025 --> 00:00:13.950 align:middle line:90% 00:00:13.950 --> 00:00:14.700 align:middle line:90% Let's hear "Chew." 00:00:14.700 --> 00:00:17.343 align:middle line:90% 00:00:17.343 --> 00:00:18.760 align:middle line:84% And this is based on a true story. 00:00:18.760 --> 00:00:22.150 align:middle line:90% I'll tell you about it later. 00:00:22.150 --> 00:00:23.640 align:middle line:90% OK, "Chew." 00:00:23.640 --> 00:00:25.170 align:middle line:90% "We chew in our family. 00:00:25.170 --> 00:00:28.110 align:middle line:84% It's our God-given freedom to chew what and when we want. 00:00:28.110 --> 00:00:30.780 align:middle line:84% I chewed the legs off my grandmother's piano. 00:00:30.780 --> 00:00:33.090 align:middle line:84% It keeled over and crushed her 13-year-old Bichon 00:00:33.090 --> 00:00:35.310 align:middle line:90% Frise, Gingersnap. 00:00:35.310 --> 00:00:37.187 align:middle line:84% My granddaddy laughed his ass off. 00:00:37.187 --> 00:00:39.270 align:middle line:84% Me and my brothers used to chew shapes into things 00:00:39.270 --> 00:00:40.020 align:middle line:90% all the time. 00:00:40.020 --> 00:00:41.970 align:middle line:84% We turned straws into palm trees. 00:00:41.970 --> 00:00:43.440 align:middle line:84% I made a lily out of a milk carton 00:00:43.440 --> 00:00:44.667 align:middle line:90% for my brother's girlfriend. 00:00:44.667 --> 00:00:46.500 align:middle line:84% I had to be careful around the seams and not 00:00:46.500 --> 00:00:49.710 align:middle line:84% to use too much saliva, or it would have turned to oatmeal. 00:00:49.710 --> 00:00:51.780 align:middle line:90% He busted my lip for that one. 00:00:51.780 --> 00:00:53.340 align:middle line:90% My boy is just like us. 00:00:53.340 --> 00:00:55.350 align:middle line:84% Can't keep his teeth off of things. 00:00:55.350 --> 00:00:57.330 align:middle line:84% He chewed a plastic coin to a funny shape 00:00:57.330 --> 00:00:59.280 align:middle line:84% and supposedly threw it at some girl. 00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:02.280 align:middle line:84% They suspended him for two days for a plastic coin. 00:01:02.280 --> 00:01:04.860 align:middle line:84% I had to sit in front of the superintendent with his blood 00:01:04.860 --> 00:01:07.950 align:middle line:84% red hangnails while he read off a statement from a teacher. 00:01:07.950 --> 00:01:10.920 align:middle line:84% Quote, 'Because of the zero tolerance policy, 00:01:10.920 --> 00:01:12.840 align:middle line:84% suspension was warranted after the disruption 00:01:12.840 --> 00:01:14.070 align:middle line:90% caused by the object. 00:01:14.070 --> 00:01:16.627 align:middle line:84% The student chewed a coin made of plastic until it resembled 00:01:16.627 --> 00:01:18.960 align:middle line:84% a bullet and threw it, yadda, yadda, while yelling bang, 00:01:18.960 --> 00:01:21.270 align:middle line:84% bang, blah, blah, repeatedly until the situation 00:01:21.270 --> 00:01:23.400 align:middle line:90% escalated,' or some garbage. 00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:25.200 align:middle line:84% I had to sit there for 39 minutes looking 00:01:25.200 --> 00:01:26.790 align:middle line:90% at that shit-storm of a desk. 00:01:26.790 --> 00:01:28.950 align:middle line:84% It was muddled in the color of every dulled memory 00:01:28.950 --> 00:01:29.790 align:middle line:90% I've ever had. 00:01:29.790 --> 00:01:32.910 align:middle line:84% Just papers and papers and papers. 00:01:32.910 --> 00:01:34.920 align:middle line:84% He held his palms above the papers 00:01:34.920 --> 00:01:37.200 align:middle line:84% and patted the air as if disgusted, as if 00:01:37.200 --> 00:01:38.880 align:middle line:84% afraid to touch anything because he knew 00:01:38.880 --> 00:01:40.860 align:middle line:90% it all linked to him somehow. 00:01:40.860 --> 00:01:42.810 align:middle line:84% One wrong move would topple it, and he'd 00:01:42.810 --> 00:01:45.660 align:middle line:84% be late for some Godawful appointment or something. 00:01:45.660 --> 00:01:48.360 align:middle line:84% I told him to just let's get right down to it. 00:01:48.360 --> 00:01:51.090 align:middle line:84% He sighed like he'd heard the story a few too many times, 00:01:51.090 --> 00:01:52.950 align:middle line:84% from the teacher, from the principal, 00:01:52.950 --> 00:01:54.390 align:middle line:84% from that big-haired news anchor, 00:01:54.390 --> 00:01:56.280 align:middle line:90% and his own bosses probably. 00:01:56.280 --> 00:01:59.040 align:middle line:84% Still, he needed to hear the story right from my boy, 00:01:59.040 --> 00:02:00.450 align:middle line:90% so that's what happened. 00:02:00.450 --> 00:02:02.530 align:middle line:90% My boy told the truth of it. 00:02:02.530 --> 00:02:04.050 align:middle line:90% I told my boy to be out with it. 00:02:04.050 --> 00:02:05.880 align:middle line:84% And he stayed quiet because kids don't know 00:02:05.880 --> 00:02:07.320 align:middle line:90% what to say without a question. 00:02:07.320 --> 00:02:10.139 align:middle line:90% 'What happened?' I asked. 00:02:10.139 --> 00:02:12.270 align:middle line:84% 'I chewed a shape the teacher thought was bad. 00:02:12.270 --> 00:02:15.390 align:middle line:84% She made me go to the principal, then she brought all my stuff 00:02:15.390 --> 00:02:17.610 align:middle line:84% and called you, dad, to come get me.' 00:02:17.610 --> 00:02:19.080 align:middle line:90% That's what he said. 00:02:19.080 --> 00:02:21.600 align:middle line:84% The superintendent dared to look at me like I coached him, 00:02:21.600 --> 00:02:24.270 align:middle line:84% like my boy is just so acutely aware of my breathing 00:02:24.270 --> 00:02:26.610 align:middle line:84% and knew every inhale and internal body gurgle 00:02:26.610 --> 00:02:28.440 align:middle line:84% and could tell the good from the bad. 00:02:28.440 --> 00:02:30.930 align:middle line:84% How is he supposed to know what gesture meant certain doom 00:02:30.930 --> 00:02:32.970 align:middle line:90% and which meant 'good job, son'? 00:02:32.970 --> 00:02:34.500 align:middle line:90% But he said it right anyhow. 00:02:34.500 --> 00:02:36.870 align:middle line:90% 'I never threw it at no one.' 00:02:36.870 --> 00:02:39.090 align:middle line:84% My boy told me about that crooked-eared girl 00:02:39.090 --> 00:02:41.550 align:middle line:84% who teased him all the time about his dirty cuffs. 00:02:41.550 --> 00:02:44.160 align:middle line:84% I told him, 'Never wash your cuffs for a girl. 00:02:44.160 --> 00:02:47.250 align:middle line:84% If she can't love your grease and grit, she can't love you.' 00:02:47.250 --> 00:02:49.140 align:middle line:84% Well, he washed his damn cuffs and got 00:02:49.140 --> 00:02:51.003 align:middle line:90% more teasing for the trouble. 00:02:51.003 --> 00:02:52.920 align:middle line:84% That's when he chewed that shape into the coin 00:02:52.920 --> 00:02:54.613 align:middle line:90% and supposedly threw it. 00:02:54.613 --> 00:02:56.280 align:middle line:84% I knew he wasn't trying to make a bullet 00:02:56.280 --> 00:02:57.600 align:middle line:90% and pretend to kill that girl. 00:02:57.600 --> 00:02:59.010 align:middle line:90% That's crazy. 00:02:59.010 --> 00:03:01.710 align:middle line:84% I told him to tell that pudgy superintendent what 00:03:01.710 --> 00:03:04.350 align:middle line:84% he was really trying to chew into that fake money. 00:03:04.350 --> 00:03:06.420 align:middle line:84% 'I was trying to chew a rocket ship. 00:03:06.420 --> 00:03:07.860 align:middle line:90% I chewed rocket ships. 00:03:07.860 --> 00:03:09.750 align:middle line:84% And I like guns and tanks, and I was just 00:03:09.750 --> 00:03:11.500 align:middle line:84% trying to draw a rocket, but it turned out 00:03:11.500 --> 00:03:13.260 align:middle line:84% to look more like a bullet than a rocket. 00:03:13.260 --> 00:03:16.080 align:middle line:84% And the teacher just thought it was a bullet.' 00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:18.720 align:middle line:84% The teacher just thought it was a bullet. 00:03:18.720 --> 00:03:20.377 align:middle line:84% Boys that age chew all kinds of things. 00:03:20.377 --> 00:03:22.710 align:middle line:84% I must have chewed a caulk into the side of a cereal box 00:03:22.710 --> 00:03:24.990 align:middle line:84% 100 times before I knew what it was for. 00:03:24.990 --> 00:03:26.700 align:middle line:84% Boys just celebrate themselves, you know? 00:03:26.700 --> 00:03:27.810 align:middle line:90% It's human. 00:03:27.810 --> 00:03:29.770 align:middle line:84% But the superintendent didn't get it. 00:03:29.770 --> 00:03:32.820 align:middle line:84% He just sat there on his secretary's wide, wood chair 00:03:32.820 --> 00:03:35.220 align:middle line:84% thinking, 'Your boy is an unholy wretch that 00:03:35.220 --> 00:03:36.472 align:middle line:90% will grow up to hurt people. 00:03:36.472 --> 00:03:38.430 align:middle line:84% The world is going to have to kill him someday. 00:03:38.430 --> 00:03:40.555 align:middle line:84% He'll embarrass you and drive you indoors for good. 00:03:40.555 --> 00:03:41.550 align:middle line:90% You are an enabler. 00:03:41.550 --> 00:03:42.780 align:middle line:84% You think you're helping, but you're 00:03:42.780 --> 00:03:44.010 align:middle line:90% reinforcing terrible behavior. 00:03:44.010 --> 00:03:45.468 align:middle line:84% There are volumes of books written, 00:03:45.468 --> 00:03:47.880 align:middle line:84% studies done, talk shows even, about you and your boy. 00:03:47.880 --> 00:03:50.520 align:middle line:84% There will be nowhere safe to drive except hills with no life 00:03:50.520 --> 00:03:51.480 align:middle line:90% on them.' 00:03:51.480 --> 00:03:53.190 align:middle line:90% The superintendent blinked. 00:03:53.190 --> 00:03:54.990 align:middle line:90% He looked at my boy and blinked. 00:03:54.990 --> 00:03:56.400 align:middle line:90% He looked at me and blinked. 00:03:56.400 --> 00:03:58.470 align:middle line:84% He looked at the stacks of pink and yellow papers 00:03:58.470 --> 00:04:01.680 align:middle line:84% folded and crinkled, some thin as spit, and blinked. 00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:04.680 align:middle line:84% What right did he or anybody have to judge me and mine? 00:04:04.680 --> 00:04:06.480 align:middle line:90% They call it 'enabling.' 00:04:06.480 --> 00:04:08.940 align:middle line:84% I'm enabling my son to keep on with his bad behavior. 00:04:08.940 --> 00:04:10.980 align:middle line:84% They just don't understand our lives. 00:04:10.980 --> 00:04:12.750 align:middle line:84% Maybe he did chew a bullet on purpose 00:04:12.750 --> 00:04:15.630 align:middle line:84% and throw it, and push her down and kick her until she cried. 00:04:15.630 --> 00:04:17.610 align:middle line:84% We all chew to survive in this world. 00:04:17.610 --> 00:04:20.610 align:middle line:84% My granddaddy chewed up until his last days on this Earth. 00:04:20.610 --> 00:04:22.500 align:middle line:90% A little foil applesauce lid. 00:04:22.500 --> 00:04:24.713 align:middle line:84% He made a teacup for my grandmother. 00:04:24.713 --> 00:04:26.130 align:middle line:84% I heard she told him to swallow it 00:04:26.130 --> 00:04:27.922 align:middle line:84% for being such a mean bastard all his life. 00:04:27.922 --> 00:04:30.120 align:middle line:84% But that's just how they loved each other. 00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:31.710 align:middle line:84% Everybody else can't know what it's 00:04:31.710 --> 00:04:33.030 align:middle line:84% like to put something in your mouth 00:04:33.030 --> 00:04:34.613 align:middle line:84% and have something different come out. 00:04:34.613 --> 00:04:36.630 align:middle line:90% What it means, the power. 00:04:36.630 --> 00:04:38.340 align:middle line:84% They just want to take it from us. 00:04:38.340 --> 00:04:40.530 align:middle line:84% Keep us docile like starved dogs. 00:04:40.530 --> 00:04:43.680 align:middle line:84% They don't know anything about how we live, love, and die. 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:45.270 align:middle line:90% My boy is innocent. 00:04:45.270 --> 00:04:48.190 align:middle line:90% My boy is gifted." 00:04:48.190 --> 00:04:52.695 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:04:52.695 --> 00:04:55.080 align:middle line:90% All right, thank you. 00:04:55.080 --> 00:04:56.850 align:middle line:84% But that really was based on a true story. 00:04:56.850 --> 00:04:59.340 align:middle line:84% There was a kid, I read an article about it. 00:04:59.340 --> 00:05:01.952 align:middle line:84% And he had a Pop Tart or some kind of pastry or something, 00:05:01.952 --> 00:05:03.660 align:middle line:84% and he chewed it into the shape of a gun, 00:05:03.660 --> 00:05:06.450 align:middle line:84% and was sort of just terrorizing his classmates in the class 00:05:06.450 --> 00:05:08.490 align:middle line:90% with his strawberry Pop Tart. 00:05:08.490 --> 00:05:10.480 align:middle line:90% And he was suspended for it. 00:05:10.480 --> 00:05:12.573 align:middle line:84% So that was sort of a real thing that happened. 00:05:12.573 --> 00:05:14.740 align:middle line:84% I sort of had to figure out what was going on there. 00:05:14.740 --> 00:05:17.100 align:middle line:84% So I was thinking about masculinity, and sort of just 00:05:17.100 --> 00:05:21.930 align:middle line:84% took this immature kind of negotiation 00:05:21.930 --> 00:05:26.850 align:middle line:84% between the tools of adulthood and those of childhood. 00:05:26.850 --> 00:05:30.410 align:middle line:84% And all the things that come with that.