WEBVTT

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This is called "Lives
of the Olympians."

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It had to do with,
let's see-- this

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is the Summer Olympics, the
last Summer Olympics, which

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I felt completely appalling.

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I was very disappointed.

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No wait, this is
the Winter Olympics.

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[LAUGHTER]

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So I still have the [INAUDIBLE].

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"Here come the gymnasts,
berserk wind-up toys

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in only a pasha could
afford, their parents

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in the stands like
ill-risen bread

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and usually some connection
to a horrible disease."

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[LAUGHTER]

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"Help, I can't stop
shrinking, I can't breathe.

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But two years later, watch me
back-flipping at high speed.

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Surely the ancients intended
them to perform naked.

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Or better yet, their leotards
fly off as they catapult.

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Yahee!

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Put me on the Olympic Committee!

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Definitely they shouldn't
be allowed in until they

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reach the age of consent.

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I mean all those tiny
children shooting

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all over the damn place--

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it's a bit much and
does the rest of life

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have to be
anticlimactic after 13?

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Now here come the swimmers
like engineered livestock

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you wouldn't want
to eat the eggs of.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Why isn't there
an event where we

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see who can swallow
the most pool water?

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What about just putting
things up your nose?

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Just sitting in a chair?

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Isn't it obvious how
difficult that is,

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how lousy most people are at it?

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I once knew a guy who
excelled at breaking stuff

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against his head.

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No one gave him a medal.

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He probably wouldn't have
been such a drunk loser

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if someone had.

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Poor, misshapen bloke, he
had absolutely zero point

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zero chance of achieving
his dream which

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was, he thought he told no one,
to dance a credible tango."

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