WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.966 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:00:00.966 --> 00:00:02.415 align:middle line:90% 00:00:02.415 --> 00:00:05.580 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHS] I'm really short. 00:00:05.580 --> 00:00:07.110 align:middle line:90% My author photo doesn't-- 00:00:07.110 --> 00:00:08.010 align:middle line:90% I could be tall. 00:00:08.010 --> 00:00:09.420 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:00:09.420 --> 00:00:09.960 align:middle line:90% But I'm not. 00:00:09.960 --> 00:00:11.400 align:middle line:90% I'm really short. 00:00:11.400 --> 00:00:14.850 align:middle line:84% And Lucy, we might be the same height. 00:00:14.850 --> 00:00:16.530 align:middle line:84% Thank you so much for that intro. 00:00:16.530 --> 00:00:19.410 align:middle line:84% I didn't realize you were the one who made that chart-- 00:00:19.410 --> 00:00:20.400 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:00:20.400 --> 00:00:23.340 align:middle line:84% --and I just had dinner with you, 00:00:23.340 --> 00:00:24.940 align:middle line:90% and you didn't confess to it. 00:00:24.940 --> 00:00:26.040 align:middle line:90% I love that chart. 00:00:26.040 --> 00:00:27.420 align:middle line:90% I showed that chart to people. 00:00:27.420 --> 00:00:29.220 align:middle line:90% I'm like, this is what I meant. 00:00:29.220 --> 00:00:31.050 align:middle line:90% This is what I was doing. 00:00:31.050 --> 00:00:33.150 align:middle line:84% Everyone really loves that chart. 00:00:33.150 --> 00:00:35.490 align:middle line:84% For some reason, I thought a female student did it. 00:00:35.490 --> 00:00:37.950 align:middle line:84% I don't know if I had your name, or maybe it was on it 00:00:37.950 --> 00:00:39.030 align:middle line:90% but I didn't know. 00:00:39.030 --> 00:00:43.020 align:middle line:84% But we'll talk about that after the reading. 00:00:43.020 --> 00:00:45.840 align:middle line:90% It was really, it totally-- 00:00:45.840 --> 00:00:48.210 align:middle line:84% well, you probably got my weird chart, too, 00:00:48.210 --> 00:00:51.840 align:middle line:84% that I sent to you, which had hearts on it. 00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:52.350 align:middle line:90% Yeah. 00:00:52.350 --> 00:00:56.430 align:middle line:84% So, thank you so much for telling me that and everyone. 00:00:56.430 --> 00:00:58.110 align:middle line:84% That was a really wonderful intro. 00:00:58.110 --> 00:01:00.390 align:middle line:90% I feel so good right now. 00:01:00.390 --> 00:01:03.450 align:middle line:84% So, thank you so much for having me and Lucy, 00:01:03.450 --> 00:01:04.700 align:middle line:90% and she can thank you herself. 00:01:04.700 --> 00:01:05.200 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHS] 00:01:05.200 --> 00:01:08.422 align:middle line:84% But I was really excited to find out 00:01:08.422 --> 00:01:09.630 align:middle line:90% I would be reading with Lucy. 00:01:09.630 --> 00:01:12.690 align:middle line:84% I'm a really huge fan of her work, and we're friends, 00:01:12.690 --> 00:01:14.580 align:middle line:90% so it's very cool. 00:01:14.580 --> 00:01:17.520 align:middle line:84% And Ander as well, who I've spent less time with. 00:01:17.520 --> 00:01:21.300 align:middle line:84% But I'll just tell you that I think 00:01:21.300 --> 00:01:23.170 align:middle line:90% he's the reason I have my job. 00:01:23.170 --> 00:01:24.700 align:middle line:90% We've had this conversation. 00:01:24.700 --> 00:01:27.960 align:middle line:84% But when I was applying for jobs, 00:01:27.960 --> 00:01:30.870 align:middle line:84% I had a bunch of-- not a bunch, I sound like such an asshole. 00:01:30.870 --> 00:01:35.220 align:middle line:84% But a handful of campus interviews, which suck, 00:01:35.220 --> 00:01:36.430 align:middle line:90% if anyone's been through it. 00:01:36.430 --> 00:01:40.170 align:middle line:84% And so I had to go from city to city a couple of times. 00:01:40.170 --> 00:01:45.030 align:middle line:84% And I was going to one where I had to give a reading, 00:01:45.030 --> 00:01:49.890 align:middle line:84% and I brought a journal that I had a story in to read out of. 00:01:49.890 --> 00:01:51.960 align:middle line:84% And while I was in the airport, I 00:01:51.960 --> 00:01:54.870 align:middle line:84% read the journal, because I had nothing else with me to read. 00:01:54.870 --> 00:01:59.040 align:middle line:84% And Ander had a story in it, and I read it and it was amazing. 00:01:59.040 --> 00:02:01.590 align:middle line:84% And I was like, shit, I wonder if I can read this story 00:02:01.590 --> 00:02:03.990 align:middle line:84% and they won't know that I didn't write it. 00:02:03.990 --> 00:02:08.400 align:middle line:84% But I decided in the nearly 11th hour 00:02:08.400 --> 00:02:11.850 align:middle line:84% to teach it at the following campus visit. 00:02:11.850 --> 00:02:15.150 align:middle line:84% And that's the job I ended up getting and taking and having 00:02:15.150 --> 00:02:16.830 align:middle line:90% still, today. 00:02:16.830 --> 00:02:20.460 align:middle line:84% So I told Ander I would teach it in every class I taught 00:02:20.460 --> 00:02:22.080 align:middle line:90% for the rest of my time there. 00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:23.970 align:middle line:90% And I have, pretty much. 00:02:23.970 --> 00:02:26.490 align:middle line:84% I think maybe a couple of thesis classes 00:02:26.490 --> 00:02:27.990 align:middle line:84% where I don't teach any text at all. 00:02:27.990 --> 00:02:30.030 align:middle line:84% But all of my grad students have read it. 00:02:30.030 --> 00:02:32.340 align:middle line:84% Most of my undergrads have certainly read it. 00:02:32.340 --> 00:02:35.670 align:middle line:84% I already taught it, I think, twice this semester. 00:02:35.670 --> 00:02:37.140 align:middle line:90% So I love Ander's work. 00:02:37.140 --> 00:02:38.220 align:middle line:90% So, this is really great. 00:02:38.220 --> 00:02:39.720 align:middle line:90% I just feel so good being here. 00:02:39.720 --> 00:02:43.620 align:middle line:84% And I also drank a glass of wine and a cup of tea at dinner. 00:02:43.620 --> 00:02:46.360 align:middle line:84% And I was saying in the car, I don't know which way I'm going. 00:02:46.360 --> 00:02:47.760 align:middle line:90% So, we'll see. 00:02:47.760 --> 00:02:50.280 align:middle line:90% I'm going to read a story-- 00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:52.260 align:middle line:84% it's fairly short-- called "Superstar" 00:02:52.260 --> 00:02:55.650 align:middle line:84% and it's the first story in the collection, "Superstar." 00:02:55.650 --> 00:02:57.660 align:middle line:84% I once hung out with this shit group of kids, 00:02:57.660 --> 00:02:59.430 align:middle line:90% and they were just such shit. 00:02:59.430 --> 00:03:01.980 align:middle line:84% This to say, I made some mistakes. 00:03:01.980 --> 00:03:04.380 align:middle line:84% Like breaking into this one guy's car. 00:03:04.380 --> 00:03:07.470 align:middle line:84% Like stealing the stereo out of that car. 00:03:07.470 --> 00:03:09.540 align:middle line:84% I was young and I didn't steal the stereo 00:03:09.540 --> 00:03:11.310 align:middle line:90% because I wanted the stereo. 00:03:11.310 --> 00:03:14.370 align:middle line:84% I stole it, rather, because I wanted the guy. 00:03:14.370 --> 00:03:17.550 align:middle line:84% This to say I just wanted something the guy owned. 00:03:17.550 --> 00:03:19.440 align:middle line:84% This more to say that nothing else 00:03:19.440 --> 00:03:22.770 align:middle line:84% mattered in that moment except this thing the guy owned, 00:03:22.770 --> 00:03:26.100 align:middle line:84% this thing that I now know was not the guy. 00:03:26.100 --> 00:03:28.530 align:middle line:84% Anyway, there was nothing else in the car. 00:03:28.530 --> 00:03:31.440 align:middle line:84% Had there been a jacket, I would have stolen it. 00:03:31.440 --> 00:03:34.860 align:middle line:84% Had anything else jarred loose-- a mirror, an ashtray-- 00:03:34.860 --> 00:03:37.110 align:middle line:90% I would have stolen that, too. 00:03:37.110 --> 00:03:38.760 align:middle line:84% But the stereo was the only thing 00:03:38.760 --> 00:03:41.010 align:middle line:90% I could snap out of its hole. 00:03:41.010 --> 00:03:43.320 align:middle line:84% And so, there I was, drunk and standing 00:03:43.320 --> 00:03:46.260 align:middle line:84% on the sidewalk at 2:00 AM, the bar closing, 00:03:46.260 --> 00:03:49.260 align:middle line:84% the drunks stumbling out, holding a car stereo 00:03:49.260 --> 00:03:51.480 align:middle line:84% with both hands, a kind of person 00:03:51.480 --> 00:03:53.100 align:middle line:90% I didn't even know I could be. 00:03:53.100 --> 00:03:55.410 align:middle line:90% And my friends said, run. 00:03:55.410 --> 00:03:58.020 align:middle line:90% This to say I made a mistake. 00:03:58.020 --> 00:04:01.350 align:middle line:84% Not because I got caught, because I did not get caught. 00:04:01.350 --> 00:04:04.050 align:middle line:84% Because no one ever once got caught. 00:04:04.050 --> 00:04:06.090 align:middle line:90% Because this was Baltimore. 00:04:06.090 --> 00:04:08.670 align:middle line:84% And if you know the place, you know what I mean. 00:04:08.670 --> 00:04:11.850 align:middle line:84% If you know the place, you're likely from there. 00:04:11.850 --> 00:04:16.410 align:middle line:84% I mean you're likely still there, which I no longer am. 00:04:16.410 --> 00:04:18.910 align:middle line:84% Which doesn't mean I figured it out. 00:04:18.910 --> 00:04:21.779 align:middle line:84% It only means a window appeared, and I went through the window 00:04:21.779 --> 00:04:25.710 align:middle line:84% before it disappeared, metaphorically, I mean. 00:04:25.710 --> 00:04:28.140 align:middle line:84% But it's not time for anything deep. 00:04:28.140 --> 00:04:30.120 align:middle line:84% We're just talking about this mistake 00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:34.320 align:middle line:84% I made, how I can't make myself feel better, because I'm awake 00:04:34.320 --> 00:04:36.990 align:middle line:84% and thinking the thoughts I think at 4:00 AM. 00:04:36.990 --> 00:04:39.900 align:middle line:84% Me, some guy, and it's always the same. 00:04:39.900 --> 00:04:43.800 align:middle line:84% Me, some guy, and we're lying around a bed like kids. 00:04:43.800 --> 00:04:46.650 align:middle line:84% Then, one thing another, his hands on my face, 00:04:46.650 --> 00:04:48.420 align:middle line:90% his face near my face. 00:04:48.420 --> 00:04:50.610 align:middle line:84% And just before it all starts up, 00:04:50.610 --> 00:04:53.340 align:middle line:84% I'm yanking a stereo out from its hole. 00:04:53.340 --> 00:04:56.010 align:middle line:84% I'm backing out ass first from the car. 00:04:56.010 --> 00:04:58.380 align:middle line:90% My friends are screaming, run. 00:04:58.380 --> 00:05:01.430 align:middle line:84% To say I shouldn't have stolen, but I'd 00:05:01.430 --> 00:05:04.620 align:middle line:84% fallen hard for the guy whose stereo it was. 00:05:04.620 --> 00:05:07.640 align:middle line:84% And when I fall hard, I fall like the proverbial ton 00:05:07.640 --> 00:05:08.820 align:middle line:90% of whatever. 00:05:08.820 --> 00:05:12.980 align:middle line:84% And by fall, I mean I splinter everything around me. 00:05:12.980 --> 00:05:15.740 align:middle line:84% Another might call it apocalyptic. 00:05:15.740 --> 00:05:18.980 align:middle line:84% By "another," I might mean the guy himself, the victim, 00:05:18.980 --> 00:05:19.610 align:middle line:90% I mean. 00:05:19.610 --> 00:05:22.160 align:middle line:84% The guy headed away from me fast. 00:05:22.160 --> 00:05:24.590 align:middle line:84% He might use the word "apocalyptic," 00:05:24.590 --> 00:05:28.160 align:middle line:84% when cracks form in the asphalt, when windows shatter, 00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:30.650 align:middle line:84% when women cover their daughter's eyes, 00:05:30.650 --> 00:05:33.410 align:middle line:90% when he floats upward to heaven. 00:05:33.410 --> 00:05:35.450 align:middle line:90% I'm not being melodramatic. 00:05:35.450 --> 00:05:37.910 align:middle line:84% You've never been there to see it. 00:05:37.910 --> 00:05:41.030 align:middle line:84% And this time, like every time, the entire world 00:05:41.030 --> 00:05:42.470 align:middle line:90% had splintered. 00:05:42.470 --> 00:05:45.260 align:middle line:84% And because he'd been all night in the bar talking 00:05:45.260 --> 00:05:49.490 align:middle line:84% to some girl, I was splintering within this splintered world. 00:05:49.490 --> 00:05:53.390 align:middle line:84% It was very complex, this strategy, I mean. 00:05:53.390 --> 00:05:56.360 align:middle line:84% Like, if he stood there, I stood here. 00:05:56.360 --> 00:05:59.060 align:middle line:84% If he looked at me, I looked away. 00:05:59.060 --> 00:06:01.730 align:middle line:90% And on and on and on. 00:06:01.730 --> 00:06:02.720 align:middle line:90% God. 00:06:02.720 --> 00:06:05.420 align:middle line:84% It was summer and it was 100 degrees. 00:06:05.420 --> 00:06:08.570 align:middle line:84% This is not an excuse, but I'm just saying. 00:06:08.570 --> 00:06:11.570 align:middle line:84% It was 100 degrees, and my friends said run, 00:06:11.570 --> 00:06:14.570 align:middle line:84% and we all ran up the street to my car, all of us 00:06:14.570 --> 00:06:16.310 align:middle line:90% too drunk to drive. 00:06:16.310 --> 00:06:20.240 align:middle line:84% And six of us kids squeezed into the car, two up front, four 00:06:20.240 --> 00:06:21.260 align:middle line:90% in back. 00:06:21.260 --> 00:06:23.540 align:middle line:84% And somehow, I ended up in the back, 00:06:23.540 --> 00:06:25.670 align:middle line:90% even though it was my car. 00:06:25.670 --> 00:06:28.520 align:middle line:84% Somehow, I ended up sitting on some guy's lap, 00:06:28.520 --> 00:06:30.800 align:middle line:90% the stereo on top of mine. 00:06:30.800 --> 00:06:34.070 align:middle line:84% And somehow, one of the guys ended up in the driver's seat, 00:06:34.070 --> 00:06:37.040 align:middle line:84% and he started the car, and drove closer to the car 00:06:37.040 --> 00:06:40.460 align:middle line:84% I stole the stereo from, and we sat there. 00:06:40.460 --> 00:06:43.850 align:middle line:84% And the radio, meaning the piece of shit radio in my car, 00:06:43.850 --> 00:06:46.190 align:middle line:84% was playing something from that summer. 00:06:46.190 --> 00:06:48.380 align:middle line:84% And the kids up front were singing. 00:06:48.380 --> 00:06:51.470 align:middle line:84% And there I was in the back of my car, some guy 00:06:51.470 --> 00:06:54.290 align:middle line:90% I didn't like gripping my hips. 00:06:54.290 --> 00:06:56.420 align:middle line:84% I didn't know then what we were waiting for, 00:06:56.420 --> 00:06:58.910 align:middle line:90% sitting there outside the bar. 00:06:58.910 --> 00:07:00.950 align:middle line:84% We were waiting for the guy whose stereo I 00:07:00.950 --> 00:07:02.570 align:middle line:90% stole to walk out. 00:07:02.570 --> 00:07:04.760 align:middle line:84% We were waiting for the guy whose stereo I 00:07:04.760 --> 00:07:08.540 align:middle line:84% stole to get into his car and see that his stereo was gone. 00:07:08.540 --> 00:07:09.860 align:middle line:90% But then what? 00:07:09.860 --> 00:07:12.140 align:middle line:84% I mean, what were we going to do about it? 00:07:12.140 --> 00:07:13.370 align:middle line:90% That was the thing. 00:07:13.370 --> 00:07:16.310 align:middle line:90% I had the stereo, but now what? 00:07:16.310 --> 00:07:19.460 align:middle line:84% We'd hooked up, me and the guy whose stereo I stole, 00:07:19.460 --> 00:07:22.700 align:middle line:84% in the front of his car, the week before I stole the stereo 00:07:22.700 --> 00:07:24.590 align:middle line:90% and the week before that. 00:07:24.590 --> 00:07:27.440 align:middle line:84% And the liquor those nights was doing its thing. 00:07:27.440 --> 00:07:29.990 align:middle line:90% The stereo was doing its. 00:07:29.990 --> 00:07:32.090 align:middle line:84% And the guy did this thing those nights 00:07:32.090 --> 00:07:34.460 align:middle line:84% where he tilted his head too far to one side 00:07:34.460 --> 00:07:36.480 align:middle line:90% when he moved in toward me. 00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:39.590 align:middle line:84% There was something about this, nothing new, 00:07:39.590 --> 00:07:41.720 align:middle line:84% that brilliant spinning in one's gut 00:07:41.720 --> 00:07:43.940 align:middle line:84% that no one knows how to describe. 00:07:43.940 --> 00:07:47.010 align:middle line:84% That everything inside inching up and up. 00:07:47.010 --> 00:07:49.250 align:middle line:90% And this is why I wanted him. 00:07:49.250 --> 00:07:53.300 align:middle line:84% And by "wanted," I mean I wanted to own him completely. 00:07:53.300 --> 00:07:54.860 align:middle line:90% I wasn't dumb. 00:07:54.860 --> 00:07:58.910 align:middle line:84% I knew that stealing a stereo was not the way to own a guy. 00:07:58.910 --> 00:08:01.910 align:middle line:84% I knew that the way to own a guy was to push something 00:08:01.910 --> 00:08:04.430 align:middle line:90% down, push something else out. 00:08:04.430 --> 00:08:09.020 align:middle line:84% I know that the way to own a guy still, years later, is this. 00:08:09.020 --> 00:08:12.390 align:middle line:84% Like recently, there was this incident. 00:08:12.390 --> 00:08:16.190 align:middle line:84% There was this guy whose car I scraped by mistake with my car. 00:08:16.190 --> 00:08:19.640 align:middle line:84% It was raining that day, a downpour, and the guy whose 00:08:19.640 --> 00:08:23.570 align:middle line:84% car I scraped by mistake was big and standing on the sidewalk, 00:08:23.570 --> 00:08:26.510 align:middle line:84% holding his sagging bags of groceries. 00:08:26.510 --> 00:08:28.580 align:middle line:84% He was waiting for me to move my car 00:08:28.580 --> 00:08:30.740 align:middle line:90% so that he could get into his. 00:08:30.740 --> 00:08:34.220 align:middle line:84% I mean I'd parked so close he couldn't get into his car, 00:08:34.220 --> 00:08:36.500 align:middle line:84% and he was waiting in the downpour, burdened 00:08:36.500 --> 00:08:39.380 align:middle line:90% with his sagging bags, annoyed. 00:08:39.380 --> 00:08:42.020 align:middle line:84% And when I backed up my car, one hand up, 00:08:42.020 --> 00:08:46.250 align:middle line:84% giving the obligatory wave, the obligatory thanks for waiting, 00:08:46.250 --> 00:08:48.800 align:middle line:84% I scraped his car with my side mirror 00:08:48.800 --> 00:08:51.050 align:middle line:90% because of my shit parking job. 00:08:51.050 --> 00:08:54.470 align:middle line:84% And I heard it scrape, even through the sound of the radio, 00:08:54.470 --> 00:08:58.220 align:middle line:84% even through the rain and the windshield wipers' squeak. 00:08:58.220 --> 00:09:01.730 align:middle line:84% And before I shut off the car, and before the rain refilled 00:09:01.730 --> 00:09:04.010 align:middle line:84% the windshield, I saw the guy drop 00:09:04.010 --> 00:09:06.320 align:middle line:84% his bags of groceries to the wet ground 00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:09.170 align:middle line:84% and smack his forehead with both hands. 00:09:09.170 --> 00:09:11.370 align:middle line:90% I knew I had a choice to make. 00:09:11.370 --> 00:09:14.300 align:middle line:84% And I knew the right choice was to get out of the car. 00:09:14.300 --> 00:09:16.860 align:middle line:84% And I knew I had another choice to make. 00:09:16.860 --> 00:09:19.940 align:middle line:84% And I knew the right choice was to be a guy. 00:09:19.940 --> 00:09:22.220 align:middle line:84% As the rain refilled the windshield, 00:09:22.220 --> 00:09:24.720 align:middle line:90% I knew I had to open the door. 00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:27.740 align:middle line:84% And as I opened the door, I heard first the downpour, 00:09:27.740 --> 00:09:30.560 align:middle line:84% then heard the guy calling me certain names reserved 00:09:30.560 --> 00:09:33.530 align:middle line:84% for women, certain names I've been called before 00:09:33.530 --> 00:09:35.000 align:middle line:90% and would be called again. 00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:37.550 align:middle line:84% Certain names I'd eventually later-- 00:09:37.550 --> 00:09:40.590 align:middle line:84% not too much later-- call others. 00:09:40.590 --> 00:09:42.080 align:middle line:84% And as I stepped out of the car, I 00:09:42.080 --> 00:09:44.480 align:middle line:84% was suddenly some very small thing. 00:09:44.480 --> 00:09:47.570 align:middle line:84% By which I mean, I was suddenly a woman to this guy, 00:09:47.570 --> 00:09:50.240 align:middle line:84% observing these names reserved for women, 00:09:50.240 --> 00:09:53.870 align:middle line:84% standing there in the downpour, reduced to something snail 00:09:53.870 --> 00:09:56.750 align:middle line:84% small and just as tightly coiled. 00:09:56.750 --> 00:09:58.610 align:middle line:90% I wanted to be a guy. 00:09:58.610 --> 00:10:01.580 align:middle line:84% I wanted to be a certain type of guy. 00:10:01.580 --> 00:10:04.700 align:middle line:84% But instead I said, stop yelling at me. 00:10:04.700 --> 00:10:08.150 align:middle line:84% And he said stop being a fucking whore. 00:10:08.150 --> 00:10:10.121 align:middle line:90% And what does one say to that? 00:10:10.121 --> 00:10:12.980 align:middle line:90% I wanted to say a lot of things. 00:10:12.980 --> 00:10:16.160 align:middle line:84% I wanted to say, is that the best you can do? 00:10:16.160 --> 00:10:18.860 align:middle line:84% Because it was raining, and we were standing in it, 00:10:18.860 --> 00:10:21.320 align:middle line:84% and it didn't look like it would stop. 00:10:21.320 --> 00:10:24.020 align:middle line:84% And his groceries might have slid at any point 00:10:24.020 --> 00:10:26.930 align:middle line:84% from the bottoms of their sagging bags. 00:10:26.930 --> 00:10:30.140 align:middle line:84% The world could have come, is what I mean, at any point 00:10:30.140 --> 00:10:32.960 align:middle line:84% to the standstill we'd been waiting for. 00:10:32.960 --> 00:10:35.450 align:middle line:90% It would have been apocalyptic. 00:10:35.450 --> 00:10:39.050 align:middle line:84% And this would have been his finale, whore. 00:10:39.050 --> 00:10:40.790 align:middle line:90% But the point is not this. 00:10:40.790 --> 00:10:43.520 align:middle line:84% The point is, I wanted to be a guy. 00:10:43.520 --> 00:10:47.240 align:middle line:84% By which I mean, I wanted to get up in his face. 00:10:47.240 --> 00:10:49.730 align:middle line:84% I'm not talking about anything deep. 00:10:49.730 --> 00:10:53.420 align:middle line:84% I'm talking about a generic performance of guy. 00:10:53.420 --> 00:10:57.200 align:middle line:84% I'm talking about strapping on the proverbial pair. 00:10:57.200 --> 00:10:59.600 align:middle line:84% But I never had to, because there 00:10:59.600 --> 00:11:02.180 align:middle line:84% was this second guy walking down the sidewalk, 00:11:02.180 --> 00:11:04.370 align:middle line:90% and this is the point. 00:11:04.370 --> 00:11:06.740 align:middle line:84% This second guy was walking down the sidewalk 00:11:06.740 --> 00:11:09.140 align:middle line:84% and the second guy had seen the whole thing, 00:11:09.140 --> 00:11:11.810 align:middle line:84% had seen me scrape this first guy's car, 00:11:11.810 --> 00:11:15.140 align:middle line:84% had seen the first guy smack his head and yell at me, 00:11:15.140 --> 00:11:17.930 align:middle line:84% and the second guy walked up to the first guy 00:11:17.930 --> 00:11:20.480 align:middle line:84% and called the first guy an asshole. 00:11:20.480 --> 00:11:23.090 align:middle line:84% And the second guy got up in the first guy's face 00:11:23.090 --> 00:11:26.030 align:middle line:84% and told the first guy to get back into his car, 00:11:26.030 --> 00:11:28.100 align:middle line:84% said there wasn't even a scratch, 00:11:28.100 --> 00:11:30.770 align:middle line:84% said I'll call the cops if you do not get the fuck back 00:11:30.770 --> 00:11:32.810 align:middle line:90% into your car right now. 00:11:32.810 --> 00:11:35.780 align:middle line:84% And this second guy asked me if I was OK. 00:11:35.780 --> 00:11:38.600 align:middle line:84% And the second guy called me certain names reserved 00:11:38.600 --> 00:11:41.900 align:middle line:84% for women, certain other names I'd been called before 00:11:41.900 --> 00:11:43.760 align:middle line:90% and would be called again. 00:11:43.760 --> 00:11:46.490 align:middle line:84% It was then I became some sweet thing. 00:11:46.490 --> 00:11:48.500 align:middle line:84% It was then I pushed something down, 00:11:48.500 --> 00:11:50.690 align:middle line:90% pushed something else out. 00:11:50.690 --> 00:11:53.750 align:middle line:84% It was then I knew I owned the situation, meaning 00:11:53.750 --> 00:11:56.450 align:middle line:90% I knew I now owned both guys. 00:11:56.450 --> 00:11:59.270 align:middle line:84% It's not something I want to explain. 00:11:59.270 --> 00:12:02.240 align:middle line:84% If you've got the parts, you understand. 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:05.180 align:middle line:84% As for the rest of you, just know 00:12:05.180 --> 00:12:07.460 align:middle line:84% I knew it was good to be a woman, meaning 00:12:07.460 --> 00:12:10.070 align:middle line:90% it was very bad to be a woman. 00:12:10.070 --> 00:12:13.340 align:middle line:84% And the first guy squeezed into his car and left, 00:12:13.340 --> 00:12:17.870 align:middle line:84% and the rain slowed, and the sun, at some point, came out. 00:12:17.870 --> 00:12:20.750 align:middle line:84% Listen, there's a chair across the room, 00:12:20.750 --> 00:12:22.640 align:middle line:84% and were you here with me now, sitting 00:12:22.640 --> 00:12:25.730 align:middle line:84% in the chair across the room, I would get out of bed, 00:12:25.730 --> 00:12:28.040 align:middle line:84% I would walk across the room to the chair, 00:12:28.040 --> 00:12:30.680 align:middle line:84% I would sit at your feet, my head in your lap, 00:12:30.680 --> 00:12:33.140 align:middle line:90% my head demanding you pet it. 00:12:33.140 --> 00:12:35.630 align:middle line:84% And you would pet it how I wanted it. 00:12:35.630 --> 00:12:38.180 align:middle line:84% And bricks would loosen from the walls, 00:12:38.180 --> 00:12:40.580 align:middle line:90% and sidewalks would fissure. 00:12:40.580 --> 00:12:44.150 align:middle line:84% Animals would run to their dark holes filled with leaves. 00:12:44.150 --> 00:12:46.640 align:middle line:84% I'm just saying, would I own you? 00:12:46.640 --> 00:12:48.230 align:middle line:90% Do you think I would? 00:12:48.230 --> 00:12:50.270 align:middle line:90% I'm just saying something. 00:12:50.270 --> 00:12:52.880 align:middle line:84% I'm just saying, I'm kind of a whore, 00:12:52.880 --> 00:12:55.130 align:middle line:84% which is not to say don't like me, 00:12:55.130 --> 00:12:57.560 align:middle line:90% because I'm also kind of sweet. 00:12:57.560 --> 00:13:01.370 align:middle line:84% Which is just to say the world should no longer be 00:13:01.370 --> 00:13:03.290 align:middle line:84% about wanting and wanting, the way 00:13:03.290 --> 00:13:06.920 align:middle line:84% it was when I was younger and dumber, drawing in my bed, 00:13:06.920 --> 00:13:10.520 align:middle line:84% drawing some asshole's name on my hand and hearts. 00:13:10.520 --> 00:13:14.450 align:middle line:84% But here we all are, meaning here I am, wanting again. 00:13:14.450 --> 00:13:17.240 align:middle line:84% The utter inconvenience of what I am. 00:13:17.240 --> 00:13:20.000 align:middle line:84% The utter inconvenience of it all. 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:23.000 align:middle line:84% But I was just so fucking powerful that night. 00:13:23.000 --> 00:13:25.910 align:middle line:84% I was in the backseat of my car that night. 00:13:25.910 --> 00:13:28.850 align:middle line:90% I had a stolen stereo on my lap. 00:13:28.850 --> 00:13:31.520 align:middle line:90% I was feeling like a superstar. 00:13:31.520 --> 00:13:34.010 align:middle line:84% The kids up front were singing again, 00:13:34.010 --> 00:13:37.430 align:middle line:84% and the bar door opened, and the guy whose stereo I stole 00:13:37.430 --> 00:13:39.290 align:middle line:90% stumbled out. 00:13:39.290 --> 00:13:41.270 align:middle line:90% Someone turned down the radio. 00:13:41.270 --> 00:13:43.970 align:middle line:84% Someone was laughing, then everyone was laughing. 00:13:43.970 --> 00:13:46.430 align:middle line:90% Even I was laughing my head off. 00:13:46.430 --> 00:13:49.100 align:middle line:84% And the guy whose stereo I stole stumbled out 00:13:49.100 --> 00:13:52.520 align:middle line:84% with that girl on his arm, the girl stopping to untwist 00:13:52.520 --> 00:13:54.560 align:middle line:90% the strap on her shoe. 00:13:54.560 --> 00:13:57.170 align:middle line:84% One of the kids up front said, who's she? 00:13:57.170 --> 00:13:58.760 align:middle line:90% And my legs were shaking. 00:13:58.760 --> 00:14:01.910 align:middle line:84% Then I wasn't laughing, and I almost screamed out the window, 00:14:01.910 --> 00:14:04.520 align:middle line:84% I've got your stereo, you dumb fuck. 00:14:04.520 --> 00:14:08.030 align:middle line:84% I almost waved the stereo around, almost smashed it 00:14:08.030 --> 00:14:10.400 align:middle line:84% to the street right there in front of the bar, 00:14:10.400 --> 00:14:12.380 align:middle line:84% in front of the guy and the girl. 00:14:12.380 --> 00:14:14.120 align:middle line:84% And I would have screamed something, 00:14:14.120 --> 00:14:17.420 align:middle line:84% would have done all of this, but the guy driving my car 00:14:17.420 --> 00:14:20.330 align:middle line:90% sped off before I could scream. 00:14:20.330 --> 00:14:23.720 align:middle line:84% Next someone turned up the radio and some song was on, 00:14:23.720 --> 00:14:26.810 align:middle line:84% and the six of us are riding up some burned-out Baltimore 00:14:26.810 --> 00:14:27.950 align:middle line:90% street. 00:14:27.950 --> 00:14:30.290 align:middle line:84% There was no one on the street but us. 00:14:30.290 --> 00:14:33.140 align:middle line:84% We were screaming out the words to this song. 00:14:33.140 --> 00:14:36.800 align:middle line:84% Then another song came on, and we knew that song, too. 00:14:36.800 --> 00:14:38.930 align:middle line:84% And it was only us, the six of us, 00:14:38.930 --> 00:14:42.530 align:middle line:84% singing on this crazy, burned-out Baltimore street. 00:14:42.530 --> 00:14:45.650 align:middle line:84% I was just so fucking powerful in that moment, 00:14:45.650 --> 00:14:49.130 align:middle line:84% like how I'm just so fucking powerful in this moment. 00:14:49.130 --> 00:14:51.590 align:middle line:84% Like how I kind of-- admit it-- own you. 00:14:51.590 --> 00:14:52.760 align:middle line:90% I don't. 00:14:52.760 --> 00:14:55.085 align:middle line:84% I mean, I kind of-- admit it-- have you. 00:14:55.085 --> 00:14:56.015 align:middle line:90% No. 00:14:56.015 --> 00:14:58.820 align:middle line:84% I mean, I think this is the climax. 00:14:58.820 --> 00:14:59.646 align:middle line:90% This is it. 00:14:59.646 --> 00:15:01.500 align:middle line:90% This is it now. 00:15:01.500 --> 00:15:04.020 align:middle line:84% I rolled down the window and pushed my body, 00:15:04.020 --> 00:15:07.560 align:middle line:84% hands first, arms next, head next, upward 00:15:07.560 --> 00:15:10.140 align:middle line:84% through that open space and threw the stereo 00:15:10.140 --> 00:15:12.130 align:middle line:90% as hard as I could. 00:15:12.130 --> 00:15:14.220 align:middle line:90% I think you saw this coming. 00:15:14.220 --> 00:15:16.470 align:middle line:90% I think you think, big deal. 00:15:16.470 --> 00:15:18.900 align:middle line:84% But someone could have gotten hurt. 00:15:18.900 --> 00:15:20.670 align:middle line:90% I could have gotten caught. 00:15:20.670 --> 00:15:23.100 align:middle line:84% It's enough that I feel like shit, 00:15:23.100 --> 00:15:26.940 align:middle line:84% because I would have done almost anything that night, though I 00:15:26.940 --> 00:15:28.950 align:middle line:90% resisted hard at first. 00:15:28.950 --> 00:15:32.190 align:middle line:84% Not stealing the stereo, which I didn't resist. 00:15:32.190 --> 00:15:35.550 align:middle line:84% I mean something about the guy whose lap I was on. 00:15:35.550 --> 00:15:38.670 align:middle line:84% He pulled me back into the car like a savior. 00:15:38.670 --> 00:15:41.100 align:middle line:84% He whispered to me to spend the night. 00:15:41.100 --> 00:15:42.600 align:middle line:90% I said, no way. 00:15:42.600 --> 00:15:44.080 align:middle line:90% And he said, why not? 00:15:44.080 --> 00:15:45.510 align:middle line:90% And I said, because. 00:15:45.510 --> 00:15:47.620 align:middle line:84% And he said, that's not an answer. 00:15:47.620 --> 00:15:50.610 align:middle line:84% And I said, it's the only answer you're getting. 00:15:50.610 --> 00:15:52.380 align:middle line:84% But later that night, when it was me 00:15:52.380 --> 00:15:54.600 align:middle line:84% and him on some sidewalk somewhere, 00:15:54.600 --> 00:15:59.100 align:middle line:84% he came closer, nearly tilting his head, and I closed my eyes, 00:15:59.100 --> 00:16:00.840 align:middle line:90% pretended. 00:16:00.840 --> 00:16:04.050 align:middle line:84% There are things that now I know, nothing deep, 00:16:04.050 --> 00:16:07.650 align:middle line:84% like that only the guy is a guy, like that objects 00:16:07.650 --> 00:16:09.210 align:middle line:90% are only objects. 00:16:09.210 --> 00:16:10.680 align:middle line:90% Listen to me. 00:16:10.680 --> 00:16:13.020 align:middle line:84% It had been 100 degrees that day and it 00:16:13.020 --> 00:16:14.940 align:middle line:90% was 100 degrees that night. 00:16:14.940 --> 00:16:16.980 align:middle line:84% And after the guy and I hooked up, 00:16:16.980 --> 00:16:20.670 align:middle line:84% we were lying on top of his sheet, sticking to his sheet, 00:16:20.670 --> 00:16:23.670 align:middle line:84% a fan droning on the tilted dresser. 00:16:23.670 --> 00:16:25.890 align:middle line:84% And I was already looking at the door. 00:16:25.890 --> 00:16:29.610 align:middle line:84% I was already thinking of moving like a ghost toward the door. 00:16:29.610 --> 00:16:32.070 align:middle line:84% I was already thinking of moving like a ghost 00:16:32.070 --> 00:16:34.380 align:middle line:90% away from that burned-out city. 00:16:34.380 --> 00:16:36.690 align:middle line:84% And I was praying for the apocalypse. 00:16:36.690 --> 00:16:39.400 align:middle line:84% I was praying for that final standstill. 00:16:39.400 --> 00:16:42.540 align:middle line:84% And when the standstill came, I moved. 00:16:42.540 --> 00:16:45.750 align:middle line:84% It wasn't the real standstill, of course, but a tease. 00:16:45.750 --> 00:16:47.400 align:middle line:90% Still, it felt real. 00:16:47.400 --> 00:16:50.640 align:middle line:84% Still, it lit the proverbial match. 00:16:50.640 --> 00:16:53.130 align:middle line:84% It looked like a window, and I went through it 00:16:53.130 --> 00:16:54.960 align:middle line:90% and landed here. 00:16:54.960 --> 00:16:57.840 align:middle line:84% All this to say I've learned a few things. 00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:01.020 align:middle line:84% All this to say I will not steal your things. 00:17:01.020 --> 00:17:03.750 align:middle line:84% All this to say if I did steal your things, 00:17:03.750 --> 00:17:06.630 align:middle line:84% I know now the things will not have your name, 00:17:06.630 --> 00:17:08.430 align:middle line:84% and they will not have your eyes, 00:17:08.430 --> 00:17:11.369 align:middle line:84% and they will not smell like your sweat forever. 00:17:11.369 --> 00:17:14.730 align:middle line:84% And they will not make me remember your hands on my face 00:17:14.730 --> 00:17:16.349 align:middle line:84% or what song was playing when you 00:17:16.349 --> 00:17:20.490 align:middle line:84% tilted your head, or the lie you said that I believed. 00:17:20.490 --> 00:17:23.819 align:middle line:84% They will only make me remember the sound the stereo made when 00:17:23.819 --> 00:17:25.829 align:middle line:90% it hit the burned-out building. 00:17:25.829 --> 00:17:27.990 align:middle line:90% A sound I can't describe. 00:17:27.990 --> 00:17:31.140 align:middle line:84% A sound that was more like a color, a color that 00:17:31.140 --> 00:17:35.670 align:middle line:84% was more like a pain, a pain that was more like an answer. 00:17:35.670 --> 00:17:36.540 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:17:36.540 --> 00:17:38.990 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE]