WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.860 align:middle line:90% 00:00:09.860 --> 00:00:11.450 align:middle line:90% Thank you so much. 00:00:11.450 --> 00:00:14.030 align:middle line:84% I forgot to remind you to stay after the reading 00:00:14.030 --> 00:00:19.370 align:middle line:84% and meet Vivian Gornick and Mary Elsie Robertson. 00:00:19.370 --> 00:00:23.240 align:middle line:84% Mary Elsie Robertson's novels are 00:00:23.240 --> 00:00:28.040 align:middle line:84% After Freud, which was the winner of the 1980 AWP novel 00:00:28.040 --> 00:00:29.690 align:middle line:90% award. 00:00:29.690 --> 00:00:37.580 align:middle line:84% The Clearing, Family Life, Speak, Angel and most recently 00:00:37.580 --> 00:00:39.320 align:middle line:90% What I Have to Tell You. 00:00:39.320 --> 00:00:43.070 align:middle line:84% She also has two collections of short fiction, 00:00:43.070 --> 00:00:48.710 align:middle line:84% Jordan's Stormy Banks and Other Stories and Vision. 00:00:48.710 --> 00:00:52.610 align:middle line:84% One of her two novels for children, Jemima Lee, 00:00:52.610 --> 00:00:58.040 align:middle line:84% was the winner of a favorite title for awards, the Babbling 00:00:58.040 --> 00:01:00.650 align:middle line:90% Bookworm award. 00:01:00.650 --> 00:01:05.480 align:middle line:84% Her second novel for children is Tarantula and Red Chigger. 00:01:05.480 --> 00:01:08.658 align:middle line:84% I'm very happy to welcome Mary Elsie Robertson. 00:01:08.658 --> 00:01:16.800 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:01:16.800 --> 00:01:21.120 align:middle line:84% I'm going to read a chapter from What I Have to Tell You. 00:01:21.120 --> 00:01:23.170 align:middle line:84% I'm not reading the first chapter, 00:01:23.170 --> 00:01:27.630 align:middle line:84% which means I have to explain just a little bit. 00:01:27.630 --> 00:01:31.260 align:middle line:84% The narrator of the novel is a woman called Jessie Farquarson 00:01:31.260 --> 00:01:35.910 align:middle line:84% and she comes of an old and rich Virginia family. 00:01:35.910 --> 00:01:39.300 align:middle line:84% And when this chapter takes place 00:01:39.300 --> 00:01:45.870 align:middle line:84% she has just married a person that she's 00:01:45.870 --> 00:01:49.560 align:middle line:90% known all her life practically. 00:01:49.560 --> 00:01:51.450 align:middle line:84% A boy who comes from the country, 00:01:51.450 --> 00:01:57.600 align:middle line:84% he's a backwoods boy called Dwayne. 00:01:57.600 --> 00:02:01.240 align:middle line:84% She is just bringing Dwayne home in this chapter. 00:02:01.240 --> 00:02:03.660 align:middle line:84% I should probably tell you too that Jordan 00:02:03.660 --> 00:02:07.650 align:middle line:90% is Jessie's twin brother. 00:02:07.650 --> 00:02:10.169 align:middle line:84% "Mama was waiting for me in front of the drugstore when 00:02:10.169 --> 00:02:14.100 align:middle line:84% the bus pulled into Sweet Gum on that Thursday afternoon in May. 00:02:14.100 --> 00:02:16.500 align:middle line:84% She slid out of the truck and stood looking up 00:02:16.500 --> 00:02:18.690 align:middle line:84% at the windows on the bus trying to see me 00:02:18.690 --> 00:02:20.610 align:middle line:90% behind the tinted glass. 00:02:20.610 --> 00:02:24.000 align:middle line:84% When I climbed down the steps, her smile stretched. 00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:25.950 align:middle line:90% Jess, she called out waving. 00:02:25.950 --> 00:02:28.410 align:middle line:84% Anyone could tell she was being welcoming 00:02:28.410 --> 00:02:30.090 align:middle line:90% but I'd already seen it. 00:02:30.090 --> 00:02:32.400 align:middle line:90% Mama braced for disappointment. 00:02:32.400 --> 00:02:34.350 align:middle line:84% If I'd thought getting married might bring 00:02:34.350 --> 00:02:37.410 align:middle line:84% about some changes in me, one look into mama's face 00:02:37.410 --> 00:02:39.600 align:middle line:90% told me the same old story. 00:02:39.600 --> 00:02:42.000 align:middle line:84% There I stood the same drab Jessie. 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:45.060 align:middle line:84% My skirt drooping where the hem had come out looking down 00:02:45.060 --> 00:02:48.570 align:middle line:84% at mama with eyes magnified behind my glasses, my hair 00:02:48.570 --> 00:02:49.770 align:middle line:90% stringing. 00:02:49.770 --> 00:02:52.890 align:middle line:84% More than once mama had said to me, too exasperated 00:02:52.890 --> 00:02:55.530 align:middle line:84% to keep her mouth shut, I wonder if you do it 00:02:55.530 --> 00:02:56.760 align:middle line:90% on purpose, Jessie. 00:02:56.760 --> 00:03:00.180 align:middle line:84% So beaten down looking just to make me feel bad. 00:03:00.180 --> 00:03:03.090 align:middle line:84% I knew she always had some hope when she saw me again 00:03:03.090 --> 00:03:06.360 align:middle line:84% after an absence that I might have somehow transformed myself 00:03:06.360 --> 00:03:07.560 align:middle line:90% while I was away. 00:03:07.560 --> 00:03:09.420 align:middle line:84% And she would see the stranger coming 00:03:09.420 --> 00:03:12.870 align:middle line:84% toward her, a trim and assured stranger with hair 00:03:12.870 --> 00:03:16.170 align:middle line:84% making sweet tendrils around her face. 00:03:16.170 --> 00:03:18.210 align:middle line:84% I knew about mama's hopes because I'd 00:03:18.210 --> 00:03:20.190 align:middle line:84% seen the flicker of disappointment pass 00:03:20.190 --> 00:03:22.770 align:middle line:90% over her face so many times. 00:03:22.770 --> 00:03:24.600 align:middle line:84% When she hugged me, she had to reach up 00:03:24.600 --> 00:03:26.370 align:middle line:84% to pat me between the shoulder blades 00:03:26.370 --> 00:03:29.130 align:middle line:84% though mama was far from being a short woman. 00:03:29.130 --> 00:03:30.990 align:middle line:84% I stood loaded down with the books. 00:03:30.990 --> 00:03:33.900 align:middle line:84% My winter coat, a bag holding the things, 00:03:33.900 --> 00:03:37.170 align:middle line:84% lettuce, half full bottles of ketchup and mayonnaise, 00:03:37.170 --> 00:03:39.840 align:middle line:84% and nearly complete loaf of bread 00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:41.640 align:middle line:84% I hadn't had the heart to throw out 00:03:41.640 --> 00:03:44.400 align:middle line:90% when I emptied my apartment. 00:03:44.400 --> 00:03:47.760 align:middle line:84% Mama, I said nudging her with my shoulder, which was the best I 00:03:47.760 --> 00:03:49.890 align:middle line:90% could do with my hands full. 00:03:49.890 --> 00:03:53.190 align:middle line:84% She had let her hair grow since I'd seen her at spring break 00:03:53.190 --> 00:03:55.050 align:middle line:84% and it had reached her shoulders. 00:03:55.050 --> 00:03:57.090 align:middle line:84% The fullness softened her face and made 00:03:57.090 --> 00:03:58.950 align:middle line:84% her look even younger than I remembered 00:03:58.950 --> 00:04:01.680 align:middle line:84% and I was struck all over again by her beauty. 00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:05.940 align:middle line:84% That always took me by surprise just as my plainness did her. 00:04:05.940 --> 00:04:08.860 align:middle line:84% A little breeze pushed her hair against my neck. 00:04:08.860 --> 00:04:11.490 align:middle line:84% And as I leaned over, I thought bitterly, 00:04:11.490 --> 00:04:13.890 align:middle line:84% oh fairness plays no part in life. 00:04:13.890 --> 00:04:16.709 align:middle line:90% It doesn't even enter in. 00:04:16.709 --> 00:04:19.350 align:middle line:84% Why hello Dwayne, mama said across my shoulder. 00:04:19.350 --> 00:04:20.700 align:middle line:90% Where did you come from? 00:04:20.700 --> 00:04:22.470 align:middle line:90% Do you need a ride? 00:04:22.470 --> 00:04:24.000 align:middle line:90% Dwayne stood there swallowing. 00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:26.910 align:middle line:84% And I saw he hadn't realized how it would be appearing 00:04:26.910 --> 00:04:28.800 align:middle line:90% in front of mama like that. 00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:31.740 align:middle line:84% His eyes showed too much white like a horse's that's 00:04:31.740 --> 00:04:35.520 align:middle line:84% about to bolt. Dwayne's with me I said quickly. 00:04:35.520 --> 00:04:38.640 align:middle line:84% But naturally the significance of this remark 00:04:38.640 --> 00:04:41.250 align:middle line:84% didn't mean a thing to mama who was hurrying along 00:04:41.250 --> 00:04:44.970 align:middle line:84% to oversee the unloading of the suitcases so nothing of mine 00:04:44.970 --> 00:04:48.270 align:middle line:90% would be scuffed along the curb. 00:04:48.270 --> 00:04:50.910 align:middle line:84% I caught Dwayne's eye in a meaningful way urging 00:04:50.910 --> 00:04:52.470 align:middle line:84% him to say something, but I could 00:04:52.470 --> 00:04:55.980 align:middle line:84% tell by the grim set of his mouth he had gone tongue tied. 00:04:55.980 --> 00:04:58.140 align:middle line:84% And I knew I might as well expect a cat 00:04:58.140 --> 00:05:02.040 align:middle line:84% to take charge as hope for anything out of Dwayne. 00:05:02.040 --> 00:05:04.740 align:middle line:84% It was up to me to tell mama, I saw that clearly 00:05:04.740 --> 00:05:07.470 align:middle line:84% as I put my books in bags in the back of the truck. 00:05:07.470 --> 00:05:10.410 align:middle line:84% But I couldn't seem to decide how to start the sentence that 00:05:10.410 --> 00:05:11.970 align:middle line:90% would break the news. 00:05:11.970 --> 00:05:13.300 align:middle line:90% I saw too late. 00:05:13.300 --> 00:05:15.480 align:middle line:84% I had done it all wrong from the beginning. 00:05:15.480 --> 00:05:17.430 align:middle line:84% I should have gotten off the bus with my arm 00:05:17.430 --> 00:05:19.290 align:middle line:84% around Dwayne's shoulder and should 00:05:19.290 --> 00:05:22.590 align:middle line:84% have said before I stepped down from the last step mama, 00:05:22.590 --> 00:05:25.320 align:middle line:84% I'm married to Dwayne, I've got our marriage certificate 00:05:25.320 --> 00:05:27.090 align:middle line:84% right here in my book bag and there's not 00:05:27.090 --> 00:05:28.540 align:middle line:90% a thing you can do about it. 00:05:28.540 --> 00:05:30.570 align:middle line:90% So what do you think of that? 00:05:30.570 --> 00:05:32.670 align:middle line:84% Now, I had waited until all three of us 00:05:32.670 --> 00:05:34.950 align:middle line:84% were crowded into the cab of the truck 00:05:34.950 --> 00:05:37.140 align:middle line:84% with me next to mama and Dwayne hanging 00:05:37.140 --> 00:05:39.160 align:middle line:90% one elbow out the window. 00:05:39.160 --> 00:05:41.860 align:middle line:84% It wasn't turning out the way I thought it would at all 00:05:41.860 --> 00:05:43.470 align:middle line:90% but there was nothing for it. 00:05:43.470 --> 00:05:46.380 align:middle line:84% I shut my eyes and said very fast Dwayne 00:05:46.380 --> 00:05:48.000 align:middle line:84% and I were married on Tuesday, mama, 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:51.150 align:middle line:84% at a Justice of the Peace in Washington DC. 00:05:51.150 --> 00:05:52.860 align:middle line:84% And then I opened my eyes quickly 00:05:52.860 --> 00:05:55.470 align:middle line:84% to see mama's hands still on the steering wheel and one 00:05:55.470 --> 00:05:57.530 align:middle line:90% of mine hanging onto the dash. 00:05:57.530 --> 00:06:00.300 align:middle line:90% A doomed feeling came over me. 00:06:00.300 --> 00:06:03.480 align:middle line:84% I looked over at mama's face expecting to cheer myself up 00:06:03.480 --> 00:06:06.900 align:middle line:84% by seeing her shock and horror, waiting for her to say, 00:06:06.900 --> 00:06:10.290 align:middle line:84% oh no, Jessie you can't do this-- think of letting you. 00:06:10.290 --> 00:06:13.080 align:middle line:90% Dwayne Hawkins married, never. 00:06:13.080 --> 00:06:17.700 align:middle line:84% But instead she stared straight ahead without saying a word. 00:06:17.700 --> 00:06:19.620 align:middle line:84% I grew lightheaded and thought maybe I'd 00:06:19.620 --> 00:06:22.350 align:middle line:84% only imagine telling mama that Dwayne and I were married 00:06:22.350 --> 00:06:25.020 align:middle line:90% and it was all still left to do. 00:06:25.020 --> 00:06:27.030 align:middle line:84% Dwayne, mama said, I'm going to let you out 00:06:27.030 --> 00:06:28.860 align:middle line:90% at your daddy's Sunoco station. 00:06:28.860 --> 00:06:32.100 align:middle line:84% I'm afraid I can't take the time to drive you home. 00:06:32.100 --> 00:06:35.650 align:middle line:84% She might just as well have said, lunge lazy boy for me, 00:06:35.650 --> 00:06:36.150 align:middle line:90% would you? 00:06:36.150 --> 00:06:39.660 align:middle line:84% He needs the exercise for all she gave away. 00:06:39.660 --> 00:06:41.430 align:middle line:84% And there I had been all prepared 00:06:41.430 --> 00:06:45.630 align:middle line:84% for her to place her hand over her heart and say why, Jessie? 00:06:45.630 --> 00:06:47.550 align:middle line:90% Why are you doing this to me? 00:06:47.550 --> 00:06:50.760 align:middle line:84% A question I had waited it seemed to me all my life 00:06:50.760 --> 00:06:52.200 align:middle line:90% to answer. 00:06:52.200 --> 00:06:55.650 align:middle line:84% As for Dwayne, I could see I would get no help out of him. 00:06:55.650 --> 00:06:58.170 align:middle line:84% I remember now a fact I had conveniently 00:06:58.170 --> 00:07:01.110 align:middle line:84% set aside when I married him that he had always 00:07:01.110 --> 00:07:02.910 align:middle line:90% been in awe of mama. 00:07:02.910 --> 00:07:05.040 align:middle line:84% On those afternoons he had come to our house 00:07:05.040 --> 00:07:07.030 align:middle line:84% to play basket with Jordan, he had 00:07:07.030 --> 00:07:09.700 align:middle line:84% stood in the kitchen door afraid to set a foot inside 00:07:09.700 --> 00:07:12.175 align:middle line:84% until mama called out, why come on in, Dwayne, 00:07:12.175 --> 00:07:13.600 align:middle line:84% don't stand there with the screen 00:07:13.600 --> 00:07:15.850 align:middle line:90% open letting the flies in. 00:07:15.850 --> 00:07:18.640 align:middle line:84% I thought it was hopeless to expect Dwayne to say, 00:07:18.640 --> 00:07:21.820 align:middle line:84% Jessie's with me now and you can reach us at Best Western 00:07:21.820 --> 00:07:23.410 align:middle line:90% if you want to see us. 00:07:23.410 --> 00:07:27.910 align:middle line:84% All he did was whisper in the direction of my ear, Jessie. 00:07:27.910 --> 00:07:30.940 align:middle line:84% Mama pulled up to the curb in front of the Sunoco station 00:07:30.940 --> 00:07:33.700 align:middle line:84% and waited for Dwayne to get out, keeping her foot harder 00:07:33.700 --> 00:07:37.270 align:middle line:84% on the gas than she needed so the gear shift shuttered 00:07:37.270 --> 00:07:40.930 align:middle line:84% back and forth between us like something having a fit. 00:07:40.930 --> 00:07:43.750 align:middle line:84% I'll telephone you later, Dwayne, I said coldly. 00:07:43.750 --> 00:07:46.120 align:middle line:84% I could see the anguished look he was giving me 00:07:46.120 --> 00:07:48.040 align:middle line:84% but Dwayne and his hurt feelings were not 00:07:48.040 --> 00:07:50.650 align:middle line:90% uppermost in my mind just then. 00:07:50.650 --> 00:07:53.860 align:middle line:84% Finally Dwayne opened the door of the cab and got one leg out 00:07:53.860 --> 00:07:56.930 align:middle line:84% but then he stuck there half in and half out. 00:07:56.930 --> 00:07:59.110 align:middle line:84% I knew he was wondering what he should do. 00:07:59.110 --> 00:08:02.080 align:middle line:84% Turn back and kiss me establishing his claim, 00:08:02.080 --> 00:08:04.630 align:middle line:84% pull me along with him into the street. 00:08:04.630 --> 00:08:07.690 align:middle line:84% But it was indecision that was his undoing. 00:08:07.690 --> 00:08:10.360 align:middle line:84% The little hesitation that threw everything off until it 00:08:10.360 --> 00:08:13.060 align:middle line:84% was too late for any kind of brave gesture. 00:08:13.060 --> 00:08:15.460 align:middle line:84% The best he could do was let his hand on my leg 00:08:15.460 --> 00:08:17.620 align:middle line:84% before he climbed the rest of the way out the door 00:08:17.620 --> 00:08:20.542 align:middle line:84% and took his duffel bag from the back of the truck. 00:08:20.542 --> 00:08:22.750 align:middle line:84% Don't stand there in the street with your mouth open, 00:08:22.750 --> 00:08:24.340 align:middle line:84% Dwayne I told him out the window. 00:08:24.340 --> 00:08:26.110 align:middle line:90% I'll talk to you later. 00:08:26.110 --> 00:08:28.120 align:middle line:84% I could tell by the dazed look in his eyes 00:08:28.120 --> 00:08:29.750 align:middle line:84% it had been a very different story 00:08:29.750 --> 00:08:33.039 align:middle line:84% he had been telling himself as the bus drew near Sweet Gum. 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:36.070 align:middle line:84% He could probably see himself being hugged, welcomed 00:08:36.070 --> 00:08:37.340 align:middle line:90% into the family. 00:08:37.340 --> 00:08:40.539 align:middle line:84% He could probably just hear mama saying, why Dwayne 00:08:40.539 --> 00:08:43.900 align:middle line:84% how nice you've married Jessie, a fine boy like you. 00:08:43.900 --> 00:08:47.040 align:middle line:84% Did you say you'd like a set of keys to Clearwater? 00:08:47.040 --> 00:08:49.210 align:middle line:90% Why, here you are son. 00:08:49.210 --> 00:08:52.930 align:middle line:84% And instead there he was abandoned to the exhaust fumes 00:08:52.930 --> 00:08:54.280 align:middle line:90% as we sped away. 00:08:54.280 --> 00:08:56.650 align:middle line:90% I almost felt sorry for him. 00:08:56.650 --> 00:09:00.100 align:middle line:84% Mama, I said as we left Dwayne behind still standing 00:09:00.100 --> 00:09:01.660 align:middle line:84% in the middle of the road, did you 00:09:01.660 --> 00:09:04.450 align:middle line:84% hear me tell you what I told you just now? 00:09:04.450 --> 00:09:07.210 align:middle line:84% There's nothing the matter with my hearing I know of, 00:09:07.210 --> 00:09:08.110 align:middle line:90% mama said. 00:09:08.110 --> 00:09:12.130 align:middle line:84% And after that her mouth shut tight her eyes fast 00:09:12.130 --> 00:09:13.540 align:middle line:90% on the road. 00:09:13.540 --> 00:09:15.430 align:middle line:84% I was so full of bitter disappointment 00:09:15.430 --> 00:09:17.680 align:middle line:84% I could have kicked a hole through the cab door. 00:09:17.680 --> 00:09:20.350 align:middle line:84% Of all the things I'd imagine mama doing or saying 00:09:20.350 --> 00:09:23.600 align:middle line:84% when she heard my news this was not one of them. 00:09:23.600 --> 00:09:25.510 align:middle line:84% It wasn't until she pulled a truck up 00:09:25.510 --> 00:09:27.940 align:middle line:84% to the side door of the house and brought it to a halt 00:09:27.940 --> 00:09:29.770 align:middle line:84% that she turned in her seat to fix me 00:09:29.770 --> 00:09:32.320 align:middle line:84% with those steely blue eyes of hers. 00:09:32.320 --> 00:09:34.150 align:middle line:84% I want you to know Jessie, she said, 00:09:34.150 --> 00:09:35.830 align:middle line:84% that just because you married Dwayne 00:09:35.830 --> 00:09:37.840 align:middle line:84% Hawkins in some kind of huff you don't 00:09:37.840 --> 00:09:40.180 align:middle line:90% have to stay married to him. 00:09:40.180 --> 00:09:42.220 align:middle line:84% Is that what you think it, in a huff? 00:09:42.220 --> 00:09:43.780 align:middle line:84% Just what kind of huff do you think 00:09:43.780 --> 00:09:46.690 align:middle line:84% it could be that would make me do something like that? 00:09:46.690 --> 00:09:50.260 align:middle line:84% You tell me, mama said holding my eyes with hers. 00:09:50.260 --> 00:09:52.270 align:middle line:90% You tell me. 00:09:52.270 --> 00:09:55.090 align:middle line:84% Too many words pressed on me at once. 00:09:55.090 --> 00:09:56.800 align:middle line:90% You always favored Jordan. 00:09:56.800 --> 00:09:58.990 align:middle line:84% You never loved me as much as you do him. 00:09:58.990 --> 00:10:01.690 align:middle line:84% You're in cahoots over every single thing, the two of you 00:10:01.690 --> 00:10:05.140 align:middle line:84% with your heads together so I couldn't choose. 00:10:05.140 --> 00:10:06.610 align:middle line:90% No reason, I said. 00:10:06.610 --> 00:10:07.330 align:middle line:90% No reason. 00:10:07.330 --> 00:10:09.020 align:middle line:90% No reason. 00:10:09.020 --> 00:10:11.080 align:middle line:84% So you're in love with Dwayne, mama said. 00:10:11.080 --> 00:10:13.000 align:middle line:90% Is that what I'm to believe? 00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:15.830 align:middle line:84% I studied the walnut trees outside the side window 00:10:15.830 --> 00:10:16.900 align:middle line:90% of the truck. 00:10:16.900 --> 00:10:20.050 align:middle line:84% Well, mama said, softly hitting the steering wheel 00:10:20.050 --> 00:10:21.700 align:middle line:84% with the palm of her-- leaning forward 00:10:21.700 --> 00:10:24.010 align:middle line:84% trying to get a look full into my face. 00:10:24.010 --> 00:10:26.380 align:middle line:90% But I made sure she didn't. 00:10:26.380 --> 00:10:30.250 align:middle line:84% Just tell me what it is you hold against me so, she said. 00:10:30.250 --> 00:10:34.090 align:middle line:84% And I steel my heart against the sadness in her voice. 00:10:34.090 --> 00:10:34.850 align:middle line:90% Why, mama? 00:10:34.850 --> 00:10:35.350 align:middle line:90% I said. 00:10:35.350 --> 00:10:37.960 align:middle line:84% Whatever makes you think I hold anything against you. 00:10:37.960 --> 00:10:40.990 align:middle line:84% Can I even get married without you taking the blame for it? 00:10:40.990 --> 00:10:43.900 align:middle line:84% What gets your goat is I took you by surprise. 00:10:43.900 --> 00:10:45.250 align:middle line:90% Can't you just admit it. 00:10:45.250 --> 00:10:47.530 align:middle line:90% I took you by surprise. 00:10:47.530 --> 00:10:50.020 align:middle line:84% Mama sighed a gentle melancholy sigh 00:10:50.020 --> 00:10:52.960 align:middle line:84% that could have been aimed at an audience of hundreds. 00:10:52.960 --> 00:10:55.930 align:middle line:84% Sweetheart, she said reaching out her hand to me, 00:10:55.930 --> 00:10:57.490 align:middle line:90% oh sweetheart. 00:10:57.490 --> 00:11:00.640 align:middle line:84% But I was already out the truck grabbing two suitcases 00:11:00.640 --> 00:11:02.500 align:middle line:84% from the back before I opened the door 00:11:02.500 --> 00:11:04.030 align:middle line:84% and walked fast through the kitchen 00:11:04.030 --> 00:11:07.630 align:middle line:84% where Sophie watched me pass through hands on hips. 00:11:07.630 --> 00:11:10.480 align:middle line:84% Hey, Sophie, I said as I went past. 00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:13.580 align:middle line:84% The suitcases bumped on the stairs all the way to the top 00:11:13.580 --> 00:11:16.810 align:middle line:84% but I got them into my room and locked the door behind me. 00:11:16.810 --> 00:11:19.480 align:middle line:84% The door locking was only a gesture however. 00:11:19.480 --> 00:11:21.880 align:middle line:84% I knew mama would never come storming up the stairs 00:11:21.880 --> 00:11:23.740 align:middle line:90% behind me pounding on the door. 00:11:23.740 --> 00:11:26.140 align:middle line:84% It was something she would never do. 00:11:26.140 --> 00:11:29.560 align:middle line:84% I laid down on the bed with my hands under my head and waited. 00:11:29.560 --> 00:11:32.500 align:middle line:84% I knew what I was listening for and late in the afternoon I 00:11:32.500 --> 00:11:35.800 align:middle line:84% heard it, the sound of Jordan's little BMW 00:11:35.800 --> 00:11:38.980 align:middle line:84% as he turned off the highway and into the long driveway that 00:11:38.980 --> 00:11:41.890 align:middle line:84% led to Clearwater where it stood on its hill. 00:11:41.890 --> 00:11:44.410 align:middle line:84% I knew the sound of Jordan's car just as well 00:11:44.410 --> 00:11:48.040 align:middle line:84% as I knew his footsteps, would recognize either if I were dead 00:11:48.040 --> 00:11:49.210 align:middle line:90% and buried. 00:11:49.210 --> 00:11:51.850 align:middle line:84% I unlocked my door and tiptoed to the stair landing 00:11:51.850 --> 00:11:53.860 align:middle line:84% in time to hear mama say, Jordan, 00:11:53.860 --> 00:11:57.490 align:middle line:84% you broke-- you broke the speed limit all the way here. 00:11:57.490 --> 00:11:59.800 align:middle line:84% But to my disappointment I couldn't hear anything 00:11:59.800 --> 00:12:02.110 align:middle line:84% more than the hush hush hush of their voices 00:12:02.110 --> 00:12:05.480 align:middle line:84% as they moved into the sitting room walking with their arms 00:12:05.480 --> 00:12:07.400 align:middle line:84% I was sure around each other's waist, 00:12:07.400 --> 00:12:10.700 align:middle line:84% straight to the big wing chairs beside the fireplace 00:12:10.700 --> 00:12:13.250 align:middle line:84% where they would sit with their heads nearly touching, 00:12:13.250 --> 00:12:17.210 align:middle line:84% leaning forward as people do who have secrets to share. 00:12:17.210 --> 00:12:19.880 align:middle line:84% Mama and Jordan, Jordan and mama. 00:12:19.880 --> 00:12:23.480 align:middle line:84% Even the way their eyebrows grew was exactly the same. 00:12:23.480 --> 00:12:27.110 align:middle line:84% Accord passing between them like fire traveling down-- 00:12:27.110 --> 00:12:30.290 align:middle line:84% I could hear the rise and fall of their voices, two people 00:12:30.290 --> 00:12:32.120 align:middle line:90% singing the same notes. 00:12:32.120 --> 00:12:34.760 align:middle line:84% If it had been different, I might have run down the stairs 00:12:34.760 --> 00:12:36.770 align:middle line:84% and flung myself into the middle of the rug 00:12:36.770 --> 00:12:39.110 align:middle line:84% with my hands clasped in front of my heart 00:12:39.110 --> 00:12:41.270 align:middle line:90% while I cried I didn't mean it. 00:12:41.270 --> 00:12:43.160 align:middle line:90% I didn't mean to marry Dwayne. 00:12:43.160 --> 00:12:45.920 align:middle line:84% All I wanted was to make you suffer. 00:12:45.920 --> 00:12:48.470 align:middle line:84% But the side of the two of them leaning together 00:12:48.470 --> 00:12:51.410 align:middle line:84% so conspiratorially would bring me up short, 00:12:51.410 --> 00:12:54.050 align:middle line:84% would stop the outcry in my throat 00:12:54.050 --> 00:12:57.080 align:middle line:84% as the one left outside the magic circle, the one 00:12:57.080 --> 00:12:59.450 align:middle line:84% pounding on the door, begging to be let in. 00:12:59.450 --> 00:13:02.540 align:middle line:84% I would rather die than see the pity in their eyes. 00:13:02.540 --> 00:13:04.580 align:middle line:84% And I knew in that moment pride would 00:13:04.580 --> 00:13:07.160 align:middle line:84% hold me to Dwayne as tightly as a tick holding 00:13:07.160 --> 00:13:10.610 align:middle line:84% to the neck of a dog nothing would shake me loose. 00:13:10.610 --> 00:13:13.580 align:middle line:84% I saw it all with cold clarity how 00:13:13.580 --> 00:13:17.090 align:middle line:84% I would squander my education as Mama would put it. 00:13:17.090 --> 00:13:20.090 align:middle line:84% As though all those hours of reading Greek and Latin 00:13:20.090 --> 00:13:23.540 align:middle line:84% were so much scratch thrown out to the chickens. 00:13:23.540 --> 00:13:26.630 align:middle line:84% A bitter smile curl my lips when I thought of this 00:13:26.630 --> 00:13:28.640 align:middle line:84% and I went silently back to my room 00:13:28.640 --> 00:13:30.620 align:middle line:84% and closed the door making a sound, 00:13:30.620 --> 00:13:33.800 align:middle line:84% leaving mama and Jordan to talk behind my back. 00:13:33.800 --> 00:13:36.770 align:middle line:84% Of course the Greek and Latin had been for my pleasure 00:13:36.770 --> 00:13:38.480 align:middle line:90% though they didn't know this. 00:13:38.480 --> 00:13:42.260 align:middle line:84% I knew how down below mama was pouring out two scotches, 00:13:42.260 --> 00:13:44.540 align:middle line:84% gently slipping the ice into the glasses 00:13:44.540 --> 00:13:47.960 align:middle line:84% without bothering to look down, her eyes never wavering 00:13:47.960 --> 00:13:49.730 align:middle line:90% from Jordan's face. 00:13:49.730 --> 00:13:51.410 align:middle line:84% I'd barely shut the door of my room 00:13:51.410 --> 00:13:53.330 align:middle line:84% behind me when I heard Jordan climbing up 00:13:53.330 --> 00:13:55.130 align:middle line:90% the stairs two at a time. 00:13:55.130 --> 00:13:57.560 align:middle line:84% Jessie, he said rattling the doorknob. 00:13:57.560 --> 00:14:00.800 align:middle line:84% That old white porcelain knob with a fine little cracks 00:14:00.800 --> 00:14:01.430 align:middle line:90% in it. 00:14:01.430 --> 00:14:03.170 align:middle line:90% Let me in, Jess. 00:14:03.170 --> 00:14:06.230 align:middle line:84% He sounded demanding but I caught the note of anxiety 00:14:06.230 --> 00:14:07.250 align:middle line:90% in his voice. 00:14:07.250 --> 00:14:11.510 align:middle line:84% I knew as well as if I'd heard the conversation, mama saying, 00:14:11.510 --> 00:14:13.940 align:middle line:84% oh you go try talking sense to her, Jordan. 00:14:13.940 --> 00:14:16.130 align:middle line:84% You've always been so close, you two. 00:14:16.130 --> 00:14:19.820 align:middle line:84% She won't listen to anything I tell her. 00:14:19.820 --> 00:14:22.880 align:middle line:84% But Jordan knew very well I hadn't said one word to him 00:14:22.880 --> 00:14:26.420 align:middle line:84% for a month, not since the party at the Kappa Sig house 00:14:26.420 --> 00:14:28.940 align:middle line:84% when Jordan had said that horrible thing. 00:14:28.940 --> 00:14:32.510 align:middle line:84% He knew I held something against him, knew things had changed 00:14:32.510 --> 00:14:34.580 align:middle line:84% but still there he was pretending 00:14:34.580 --> 00:14:36.300 align:middle line:90% nothing had happened. 00:14:36.300 --> 00:14:38.360 align:middle line:84% We don't have anything to talk about, Jordan, 00:14:38.360 --> 00:14:41.720 align:middle line:84% I told him coldly through the door, my heart hammering wildly 00:14:41.720 --> 00:14:43.670 align:middle line:90% but my voice calm. 00:14:43.670 --> 00:14:45.830 align:middle line:84% I knew just the way Jordan was standing 00:14:45.830 --> 00:14:47.810 align:middle line:84% leaning toward the door, listening, 00:14:47.810 --> 00:14:50.120 align:middle line:84% running his fingers through his hair the wrong way 00:14:50.120 --> 00:14:52.250 align:middle line:90% so it stood up in ragged peaks. 00:14:52.250 --> 00:14:54.110 align:middle line:84% When he was little and got upset he 00:14:54.110 --> 00:14:56.150 align:middle line:84% would bite on the fleshy part of his thumb 00:14:56.150 --> 00:14:58.370 align:middle line:84% until tears came into his eyes, never 00:14:58.370 --> 00:15:02.120 align:middle line:84% being able to hide what he was feeling as well as I could. 00:15:02.120 --> 00:15:05.030 align:middle line:84% Jessie, he said, I don't have anything against Dwayne 00:15:05.030 --> 00:15:06.560 align:middle line:90% I always liked him fine. 00:15:06.560 --> 00:15:10.340 align:middle line:84% I think maybe I understand your doing what you've done. 00:15:10.340 --> 00:15:13.940 align:middle line:84% Really, you understand my marrying Dwayne? 00:15:13.940 --> 00:15:16.100 align:middle line:90% Well, that's amazing, Jordan. 00:15:16.100 --> 00:15:19.520 align:middle line:84% What's amazing about it, Jordan said sounding peeved. 00:15:19.520 --> 00:15:22.550 align:middle line:84% There he was doing his best and for all he 00:15:22.550 --> 00:15:25.520 align:middle line:84% could tell I was making fun of his efforts. 00:15:25.520 --> 00:15:28.220 align:middle line:84% Did you know Dwayne moves his lips when he reads? 00:15:28.220 --> 00:15:29.390 align:middle line:90% Did you know that? 00:15:29.390 --> 00:15:32.090 align:middle line:84% Even when he reads a comic book he moves his lips 00:15:32.090 --> 00:15:35.420 align:middle line:84% and anything besides a comic book is beyond him. 00:15:35.420 --> 00:15:37.790 align:middle line:84% I mean, Jessie, what's the matter with you anyway. 00:15:37.790 --> 00:15:39.650 align:middle line:90% Why are you acting so strange? 00:15:39.650 --> 00:15:41.720 align:middle line:84% If you're mad about something what is it? 00:15:41.720 --> 00:15:44.900 align:middle line:84% Let me in there so we can talk some sense. 00:15:44.900 --> 00:15:46.700 align:middle line:90% You think this isn't sense? 00:15:46.700 --> 00:15:48.440 align:middle line:84% You just told me it's fine with you 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:51.380 align:middle line:84% if I marry somebody who moves his lips when he reads, 00:15:51.380 --> 00:15:53.420 align:middle line:90% that tells me plenty. 00:15:53.420 --> 00:15:55.730 align:middle line:84% It came over me again powerfully all 00:15:55.730 --> 00:15:58.850 align:middle line:84% I'd felt of humiliation and misery standing 00:15:58.850 --> 00:16:00.590 align:middle line:84% behind the column in the Kappa Sig 00:16:00.590 --> 00:16:04.280 align:middle line:84% house listening to what Jordan had never meant me to hear. 00:16:04.280 --> 00:16:08.480 align:middle line:84% The door knob on its long loose stem rattled furiously. 00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:11.420 align:middle line:84% What do you want me to say, Jordan said angrily. 00:16:11.420 --> 00:16:14.120 align:middle line:84% Tell you marrying Dwayne Hawkins was the stupidest 00:16:14.120 --> 00:16:17.270 align:middle line:84% thing you've ever done in a long line of stupid things? 00:16:17.270 --> 00:16:18.770 align:middle line:90% All right, it's stupid. 00:16:18.770 --> 00:16:21.380 align:middle line:84% Is that enough or do you want to hear me say it again? 00:16:21.380 --> 00:16:21.980 align:middle line:90% Stupid. 00:16:21.980 --> 00:16:23.330 align:middle line:90% Stupid. 00:16:23.330 --> 00:16:26.360 align:middle line:84% Oh don't stop there, I said in a cold calm voice. 00:16:26.360 --> 00:16:26.930 align:middle line:90% Go on. 00:16:26.930 --> 00:16:28.670 align:middle line:90% Tell all the rest. 00:16:28.670 --> 00:16:29.660 align:middle line:90% What rest? 00:16:29.660 --> 00:16:32.510 align:middle line:84% Jordan said wearily instantly on the alert. 00:16:32.510 --> 00:16:34.310 align:middle line:90% What are you talking about? 00:16:34.310 --> 00:16:36.770 align:middle line:90% Betrayal, I wanted to cry out. 00:16:36.770 --> 00:16:39.500 align:middle line:84% I heard you betray me while behind that column, 00:16:39.500 --> 00:16:41.240 align:middle line:90% you mealy mouth bastard. 00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:45.080 align:middle line:84% I heard it all, even that laugh of yours I'd know anywhere. 00:16:45.080 --> 00:16:48.950 align:middle line:84% But my heart shriveled inside me and I couldn't speak. 00:16:48.950 --> 00:16:51.260 align:middle line:84% All those years when I thought Jordan and I had 00:16:51.260 --> 00:16:54.410 align:middle line:84% a special understanding had been nothing but a lie. 00:16:54.410 --> 00:16:56.930 align:middle line:84% I didn't know the first thing about Jordan. 00:16:56.930 --> 00:17:00.410 align:middle line:84% The doorknob on its long stem turned back and forth 00:17:00.410 --> 00:17:02.000 align:middle line:90% and then it stopped. 00:17:02.000 --> 00:17:03.680 align:middle line:84% On the other side of the door Jordan 00:17:03.680 --> 00:17:05.380 align:middle line:84% was silent so long I thought maybe 00:17:05.380 --> 00:17:08.920 align:middle line:84% he had slipped off his shoes and slid away in his stocking feet. 00:17:08.920 --> 00:17:12.760 align:middle line:84% But then he spoke, his lips right against the door crack. 00:17:12.760 --> 00:17:16.960 align:middle line:84% JJ, he said so softly I might almost have imagined it. 00:17:16.960 --> 00:17:20.500 align:middle line:84% JJ, it was Jordan's old name for me, 00:17:20.500 --> 00:17:22.030 align:middle line:84% the one from the time he had seemed 00:17:22.030 --> 00:17:25.420 align:middle line:84% like a part of my own body, another arm or leg. 00:17:25.420 --> 00:17:28.420 align:middle line:84% That name from the beginning when we'd slept with our heads 00:17:28.420 --> 00:17:30.580 align:middle line:84% on the same pillow and had waked every morning 00:17:30.580 --> 00:17:32.500 align:middle line:90% looking into the other's face. 00:17:32.500 --> 00:17:35.470 align:middle line:84% The one name that could strike me to the heart. 00:17:35.470 --> 00:17:39.370 align:middle line:84% How dare he say that name to me after what he had done? 00:17:39.370 --> 00:17:41.630 align:middle line:84% If you don't leave me alone Jordan, I will kill you, 00:17:41.630 --> 00:17:42.130 align:middle line:90% I said. 00:17:42.130 --> 00:17:44.470 align:middle line:84% I'll take one of daddy's pistols and shoot you 00:17:44.470 --> 00:17:45.940 align:middle line:90% through the heart. 00:17:45.940 --> 00:17:47.200 align:middle line:90% Very well, he said. 00:17:47.200 --> 00:17:49.660 align:middle line:90% Stew in your own juice then. 00:17:49.660 --> 00:17:53.260 align:middle line:84% I could hear his footsteps walking away, leaving me alone. 00:17:53.260 --> 00:17:55.750 align:middle line:84% It took all my willpower to stop myself 00:17:55.750 --> 00:17:57.790 align:middle line:84% from running after him to cry out, 00:17:57.790 --> 00:17:59.860 align:middle line:90% I didn't mean any of it, Jordan. 00:17:59.860 --> 00:18:02.770 align:middle line:84% But instead I waited where I was until I could hear him 00:18:02.770 --> 00:18:04.390 align:middle line:84% at the bottom of the stairs and knew 00:18:04.390 --> 00:18:06.310 align:middle line:90% he wasn't going to turn back. 00:18:06.310 --> 00:18:08.470 align:middle line:84% Then I grabbed the pillow off my bed, 00:18:08.470 --> 00:18:10.660 align:middle line:84% the one grandmother Carter had made for Jordan 00:18:10.660 --> 00:18:13.060 align:middle line:84% and me when we were born, yanked open 00:18:13.060 --> 00:18:16.330 align:middle line:84% the top drawer of my dresser, took out my fingernail scissors 00:18:16.330 --> 00:18:19.180 align:middle line:84% and started clipping away at those fine little embroidery 00:18:19.180 --> 00:18:20.140 align:middle line:90% stitches. 00:18:20.140 --> 00:18:22.690 align:middle line:84% The stitches joining our names together, 00:18:22.690 --> 00:18:25.120 align:middle line:84% Jordan and Jessie in a heart of love 00:18:25.120 --> 00:18:28.510 align:middle line:84% intertwined with rosebuds that was meant to link the two of us 00:18:28.510 --> 00:18:29.680 align:middle line:90% forever. 00:18:29.680 --> 00:18:31.780 align:middle line:84% By nightfall, the pillowcase was nothing 00:18:31.780 --> 00:18:34.870 align:middle line:84% but a rag pierced with hundreds of tiny needle holes 00:18:34.870 --> 00:18:37.930 align:middle line:84% and all around me on the floor were the red and blue and green 00:18:37.930 --> 00:18:39.130 align:middle line:90% threads. 00:18:39.130 --> 00:18:42.460 align:middle line:84% A small gaudy bird might have had its feathers plucked 00:18:42.460 --> 00:18:44.080 align:middle line:90% at my feet. 00:18:44.080 --> 00:18:45.820 align:middle line:84% The next morning I came to a halt 00:18:45.820 --> 00:18:48.040 align:middle line:84% in the doorway of the kitchen where mama and Jordan 00:18:48.040 --> 00:18:51.310 align:middle line:84% were facing each other across the table drinking coffee. 00:18:51.310 --> 00:18:54.430 align:middle line:84% When they saw me they set their cups back down in the saucers 00:18:54.430 --> 00:18:57.280 align:middle line:84% and pushed them aside out of the line of fire. 00:18:57.280 --> 00:18:59.320 align:middle line:90% Clearly they expected a fight. 00:18:59.320 --> 00:19:03.290 align:middle line:84% But all I said was I have to have the car today. 00:19:03.290 --> 00:19:05.650 align:middle line:84% The keys are in the glove compartment, mama said. 00:19:05.650 --> 00:19:07.390 align:middle line:84% But can't you eat breakfast first? 00:19:07.390 --> 00:19:09.250 align:middle line:84% You haven't even seen Jordan and now he 00:19:09.250 --> 00:19:11.260 align:middle line:90% has to go back to Richmond. 00:19:11.260 --> 00:19:14.290 align:middle line:84% I'd refused to come downstairs the night before for supper 00:19:14.290 --> 00:19:17.260 align:middle line:84% so mama had left it on a tray outside my door. 00:19:17.260 --> 00:19:19.300 align:middle line:84% I was certain they were relieved getting 00:19:19.300 --> 00:19:21.940 align:middle line:84% to have a quiet evening together without me giving them 00:19:21.940 --> 00:19:25.120 align:middle line:84% both black looks from my side of the table. 00:19:25.120 --> 00:19:27.490 align:middle line:84% I've got important things to do today, I said. 00:19:27.490 --> 00:19:30.430 align:middle line:84% I can't waste time just sitting around. 00:19:30.430 --> 00:19:33.010 align:middle line:84% I didn't look back but I knew mama and Jordan would 00:19:33.010 --> 00:19:34.990 align:middle line:84% be at the table not moving a muscle 00:19:34.990 --> 00:19:37.270 align:middle line:84% until they heard the engine of the car start. 00:19:37.270 --> 00:19:40.270 align:middle line:84% And then they would jump up help themselves to biscuits hot 00:19:40.270 --> 00:19:42.700 align:middle line:84% from the oven, refill their coffee cups 00:19:42.700 --> 00:19:44.980 align:middle line:84% and settle down to talk in peace about me 00:19:44.980 --> 00:19:46.720 align:middle line:90% until Jordan had to leave. 00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:48.700 align:middle line:84% I drove straight out to Dwayne's house 00:19:48.700 --> 00:19:52.240 align:middle line:84% six miles into the country over a road oily with shale 00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:55.750 align:middle line:84% where the bushes and scrub oak threaten the little space cars 00:19:55.750 --> 00:19:58.040 align:middle line:90% and trucks could call their own. 00:19:58.040 --> 00:20:01.900 align:middle line:84% I'd practice my driving on those back roads when I was 16 00:20:01.900 --> 00:20:03.310 align:middle line:90% and I knew them well. 00:20:03.310 --> 00:20:06.370 align:middle line:84% This one was lined with overgrown fields and houses 00:20:06.370 --> 00:20:11.200 align:middle line:84% with roofs curving down like the backbones of old cows. 00:20:11.200 --> 00:20:14.680 align:middle line:84% The house where Dwayne's family lived was as rundown as any. 00:20:14.680 --> 00:20:17.200 align:middle line:84% Those boards had never seen paint. 00:20:17.200 --> 00:20:19.780 align:middle line:84% In the yard, two gutted trucks without wheels 00:20:19.780 --> 00:20:22.630 align:middle line:84% had come to permanent rest at the side of the porch which 00:20:22.630 --> 00:20:25.870 align:middle line:84% sheltered a washing machine, a tractor wheel, and two wash 00:20:25.870 --> 00:20:29.620 align:middle line:84% kettles filled with dirt where dead petunias and marigolds 00:20:29.620 --> 00:20:31.090 align:middle line:90% bowed their heads. 00:20:31.090 --> 00:20:33.790 align:middle line:84% Three bony hands came out from under the house 00:20:33.790 --> 00:20:35.890 align:middle line:84% to bark while I sat in the middle of the road 00:20:35.890 --> 00:20:37.480 align:middle line:90% blowing the car horn. 00:20:37.480 --> 00:20:40.390 align:middle line:84% Heads appeared in the windows and disappeared again. 00:20:40.390 --> 00:20:42.370 align:middle line:84% Waves of consternation reached me 00:20:42.370 --> 00:20:44.480 align:middle line:90% where I sat beside the mailbox. 00:20:44.480 --> 00:20:46.240 align:middle line:84% But I kept my face straight ahead 00:20:46.240 --> 00:20:48.580 align:middle line:84% until somebody ran over the hard pack ground 00:20:48.580 --> 00:20:50.710 align:middle line:84% and there was Dwayne opening the car. 00:20:50.710 --> 00:20:51.550 align:middle line:90% You know what? 00:20:51.550 --> 00:20:53.320 align:middle line:90% He said slamming it behind him. 00:20:53.320 --> 00:20:55.840 align:middle line:84% When I came in yesterday saying I was married to you, 00:20:55.840 --> 00:20:57.790 align:middle line:90% they thought I was making it up. 00:20:57.790 --> 00:21:01.270 align:middle line:84% You ought to have heard the carry on when you drove up. 00:21:01.270 --> 00:21:04.510 align:middle line:84% There's a carry on at my house too I said. 00:21:04.510 --> 00:21:06.415 align:middle line:84% Dwayne opened the car window and the wind 00:21:06.415 --> 00:21:09.190 align:middle line:84% rushed through, flattening down his hair. 00:21:09.190 --> 00:21:12.670 align:middle line:84% Hey, Dwayne I said, patting his knee to cheer him up. 00:21:12.670 --> 00:21:16.150 align:middle line:84% We were in cahoots now and I was glad to see him. 00:21:16.150 --> 00:21:18.250 align:middle line:84% I thought you were going to call me last night, 00:21:18.250 --> 00:21:19.750 align:middle line:90% he said sounding hurt. 00:21:19.750 --> 00:21:21.310 align:middle line:90% You said you would. 00:21:21.310 --> 00:21:23.170 align:middle line:90% No chance I told him. 00:21:23.170 --> 00:21:26.100 align:middle line:84% Though to tell the truth, Dwayne had hardly entered my thoughts 00:21:26.100 --> 00:21:28.600 align:middle line:84% from the time he had gotten out of the truck at his father's 00:21:28.600 --> 00:21:30.250 align:middle line:90% Sunoco station. 00:21:30.250 --> 00:21:32.680 align:middle line:84% Other things had taken my attention. 00:21:32.680 --> 00:21:35.650 align:middle line:84% Jordan came over from Richmond and he and mama had their heads 00:21:35.650 --> 00:21:36.790 align:middle line:90% together about us. 00:21:36.790 --> 00:21:38.860 align:middle line:84% That's what they're doing this minute sitting 00:21:38.860 --> 00:21:42.910 align:middle line:84% at the kitchen table talking us up one side and down the other. 00:21:42.910 --> 00:21:44.440 align:middle line:90% Dwayne looked pleased. 00:21:44.440 --> 00:21:47.470 align:middle line:84% Is that where we're heading for then, your house? 00:21:47.470 --> 00:21:49.030 align:middle line:90% Are you crazy, I said. 00:21:49.030 --> 00:21:51.200 align:middle line:84% We've got to find us a place to live, 00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:53.020 align:middle line:90% that's what we have to do today. 00:21:53.020 --> 00:21:54.520 align:middle line:84% I thought we'd stay at your house, 00:21:54.520 --> 00:21:56.860 align:middle line:84% Dwayne said looking disappointed. 00:21:56.860 --> 00:21:59.410 align:middle line:84% I don't know where you got that idea I told him. 00:21:59.410 --> 00:22:01.570 align:middle line:90% You sure didn't get it from me. 00:22:01.570 --> 00:22:05.140 align:middle line:84% Your house is so big he said and just your mama rattling around 00:22:05.140 --> 00:22:05.860 align:middle line:90% in it. 00:22:05.860 --> 00:22:07.720 align:middle line:84% There was a wistful note in his voice 00:22:07.720 --> 00:22:10.270 align:middle line:84% I thought I'd better curb right away. 00:22:10.270 --> 00:22:13.030 align:middle line:84% You wouldn't last five minutes in that house, Dwayne, 00:22:13.030 --> 00:22:14.680 align:middle line:90% I told him cruelly. 00:22:14.680 --> 00:22:15.400 align:middle line:90% Why not? 00:22:15.400 --> 00:22:16.210 align:middle line:90% He wanted to know. 00:22:16.210 --> 00:22:18.670 align:middle line:84% Your mom always seemed to like me fine. 00:22:18.670 --> 00:22:21.220 align:middle line:84% Well, why shouldn't she I said when all you did 00:22:21.220 --> 00:22:24.280 align:middle line:84% was come over to our house and throw basketballs around 00:22:24.280 --> 00:22:28.750 align:middle line:84% in the afternoons, a far cry from marrying into the family. 00:22:28.750 --> 00:22:31.480 align:middle line:84% I didn't tell them that half the time, mama couldn't remember 00:22:31.480 --> 00:22:33.400 align:middle line:84% his given name and referred to him 00:22:33.400 --> 00:22:36.250 align:middle line:90% as that red headed Hawkins boy. 00:22:36.250 --> 00:22:38.620 align:middle line:84% But listen, Dwayne said, all I get 00:22:38.620 --> 00:22:41.410 align:middle line:84% working for daddy is $120 a week, that's not 00:22:41.410 --> 00:22:43.720 align:middle line:90% much to find a place on, is it? 00:22:43.720 --> 00:22:47.560 align:middle line:84% We're just going to be poor then, I told him. 00:22:47.560 --> 00:22:51.700 align:middle line:84% Good was what I added to myself but didn't say. 00:22:51.700 --> 00:22:54.430 align:middle line:84% I could see the way I'd trail through town wearing 00:22:54.430 --> 00:22:56.770 align:middle line:84% some old shapeless dress with cheeks 00:22:56.770 --> 00:23:00.130 align:middle line:84% sunken, a sack over my back for putting the aluminum 00:23:00.130 --> 00:23:02.440 align:middle line:84% cans in I'd find in trash barrels 00:23:02.440 --> 00:23:05.920 align:middle line:84% out at the fairgrounds where people sometimes took picnics 00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:08.380 align:middle line:84% if they didn't have anything better to do. 00:23:08.380 --> 00:23:11.350 align:middle line:84% You know who that is, people would say pointing me out 00:23:11.350 --> 00:23:15.580 align:middle line:84% as I made my slow way, old basketball sneakers of Dwayne's 00:23:15.580 --> 00:23:18.010 align:middle line:84% flapping on my feet like flippers. 00:23:18.010 --> 00:23:21.160 align:middle line:84% Would you believe that's Sarah E. Farquarson's girl, 00:23:21.160 --> 00:23:23.500 align:middle line:90% the one who owns Clearwater? 00:23:23.500 --> 00:23:26.600 align:middle line:84% You sure your mama wouldn't give you any money if you ask her, 00:23:26.600 --> 00:23:27.910 align:middle line:90% Dwayne said. 00:23:27.910 --> 00:23:30.370 align:middle line:84% As a matter of fact, I had some money left over 00:23:30.370 --> 00:23:33.860 align:middle line:84% from the college fund I'd lived on frugally all those years 00:23:33.860 --> 00:23:37.090 align:middle line:84% but I wasn't about to let Dwayne know I had a penny. 00:23:37.090 --> 00:23:38.500 align:middle line:90% Listen Dwayne, I said. 00:23:38.500 --> 00:23:40.870 align:middle line:84% You better get this through your head right now. 00:23:40.870 --> 00:23:42.850 align:middle line:84% Mama was furious when she found out 00:23:42.850 --> 00:23:44.980 align:middle line:84% I had married you so you'd better 00:23:44.980 --> 00:23:47.590 align:middle line:84% forget about any help coming out of that quarter. 00:23:47.590 --> 00:23:49.720 align:middle line:84% A cheap place to live is what we're looking 00:23:49.720 --> 00:23:52.540 align:middle line:90% for, a very cheap place. 00:23:52.540 --> 00:23:55.060 align:middle line:84% By nightfall we'd found one on the top floor 00:23:55.060 --> 00:23:57.940 align:middle line:84% of a suitably decrepit house on the side of a hill 00:23:57.940 --> 00:23:59.560 align:middle line:90% leading down to black. 00:23:59.560 --> 00:24:02.560 align:middle line:84% The lower half was lived in by Esau Flanagan, 00:24:02.560 --> 00:24:05.050 align:middle line:84% whose shoes were held together with baling wire 00:24:05.050 --> 00:24:08.590 align:middle line:84% and who had snuff juice dribbling down his chin. 00:24:08.590 --> 00:24:10.630 align:middle line:84% The house smelled of vinegar and mice 00:24:10.630 --> 00:24:14.620 align:middle line:84% and when I turned on the hot water tap a thin trickle of-- 00:24:14.620 --> 00:24:18.460 align:middle line:84% a thin trickle the color of horse piss came out. 00:24:18.460 --> 00:24:21.880 align:middle line:84% I told old man Flanagan we'd take the place. 00:24:21.880 --> 00:24:24.190 align:middle line:84% Comes furnished, he said aggressively. 00:24:24.190 --> 00:24:26.770 align:middle line:84% Not many places this price comes furnished. 00:24:26.770 --> 00:24:29.800 align:middle line:84% Beds, sofa, table, everything a body needs. 00:24:29.800 --> 00:24:30.940 align:middle line:90% Fine, I told him. 00:24:30.940 --> 00:24:32.020 align:middle line:90% We'll take it. 00:24:32.020 --> 00:24:35.200 align:middle line:84% Even got you some skillets and things of that nature. 00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:37.930 align:middle line:84% My wife she was the one to think of that. 00:24:37.930 --> 00:24:39.850 align:middle line:90% Looks great, I told him. 00:24:39.850 --> 00:24:41.800 align:middle line:84% Rent due first day of the month he 00:24:41.800 --> 00:24:44.140 align:middle line:84% said warningly, not on the second or the third 00:24:44.140 --> 00:24:46.600 align:middle line:90% but the first right on the nail. 00:24:46.600 --> 00:24:48.730 align:middle line:84% We could give you a month's rent right now 00:24:48.730 --> 00:24:50.650 align:middle line:84% I said giving Dwayne a sharp look. 00:24:50.650 --> 00:24:54.010 align:middle line:84% So he came too like somebody who had just been taking a nap 00:24:54.010 --> 00:24:56.890 align:middle line:84% and took his checkbook out of his back pocket. 00:24:56.890 --> 00:24:58.960 align:middle line:84% Even when he wrote out the check and handed it 00:24:58.960 --> 00:25:01.840 align:middle line:84% over the old man's expression didn't change. 00:25:01.840 --> 00:25:03.790 align:middle line:84% I don't own electric or no phone and what 00:25:03.790 --> 00:25:07.030 align:middle line:84% you do with your trash is your lookout, he said. 00:25:07.030 --> 00:25:09.790 align:middle line:84% When the old man finally went back down the stairs bringing 00:25:09.790 --> 00:25:13.000 align:middle line:84% both feet together on each step the way two-year-olds do, 00:25:13.000 --> 00:25:15.280 align:middle line:90% Dwayne shut the door behind him. 00:25:15.280 --> 00:25:17.080 align:middle line:84% You really think this place is OK? 00:25:17.080 --> 00:25:18.280 align:middle line:90% He said doubtfully. 00:25:18.280 --> 00:25:19.210 align:middle line:90% Sure, I said. 00:25:19.210 --> 00:25:20.260 align:middle line:90% Why not? 00:25:20.260 --> 00:25:22.960 align:middle line:84% Looks to me like stuff's been coming off the ceiling, 00:25:22.960 --> 00:25:23.800 align:middle line:90% Dwayne said. 00:25:23.800 --> 00:25:26.110 align:middle line:84% You don't think it's kind of run down? 00:25:26.110 --> 00:25:30.190 align:middle line:84% Oh a little paint will do wonders I told him merrily. 00:25:30.190 --> 00:25:32.830 align:middle line:84% Dwayne cheered up enough to go and look out the window. 00:25:32.830 --> 00:25:34.210 align:middle line:90% Hey look Jessie, he said. 00:25:34.210 --> 00:25:36.850 align:middle line:84% You can see all the way down to that big new development, 00:25:36.850 --> 00:25:40.570 align:middle line:84% the one across Black Creek Suncrest hills. 00:25:40.570 --> 00:25:42.790 align:middle line:84% I heard the longing in his voice and saw 00:25:42.790 --> 00:25:45.070 align:middle line:84% in a flash what he wanted so much, 00:25:45.070 --> 00:25:47.950 align:middle line:84% the sprawling ranch house with carpet thick enough 00:25:47.950 --> 00:25:49.930 align:middle line:90% to sink to his ankles in. 00:25:49.930 --> 00:25:53.320 align:middle line:84% A giant screen television in the bedroom, a Winnebago 00:25:53.320 --> 00:25:56.140 align:middle line:84% the size of a small house in the driveway. 00:25:56.140 --> 00:25:59.140 align:middle line:84% If he had all of that he had never get over the wonder of it 00:25:59.140 --> 00:26:01.420 align:middle line:84% and would be forever showing kin folks of his 00:26:01.420 --> 00:26:04.240 align:middle line:84% through the place like it was the sacred holy. 00:26:04.240 --> 00:26:07.300 align:middle line:84% This here's the micro he'd say with all in his voice 00:26:07.300 --> 00:26:10.270 align:middle line:84% and see that matching deep freeze and refrigerator 00:26:10.270 --> 00:26:13.450 align:middle line:84% busy making ice any time you want it. 00:26:13.450 --> 00:26:17.410 align:middle line:84% This is just a start, isn't it Dwayne said looking hopeful. 00:26:17.410 --> 00:26:20.170 align:middle line:84% He put his arm around me and intertwined his fingers 00:26:20.170 --> 00:26:22.210 align:middle line:84% with mine the way he liked to do. 00:26:22.210 --> 00:26:24.520 align:middle line:84% Everybody has to start somewhere. 00:26:24.520 --> 00:26:27.160 align:middle line:90% I told him yes, everybody did. 00:26:27.160 --> 00:26:29.080 align:middle line:84% So we'll just have to work our way up 00:26:29.080 --> 00:26:33.220 align:middle line:84% to something better won't we, Jessie, he said sounding happy. 00:26:33.220 --> 00:26:36.910 align:middle line:90% I didn't tell him no. 00:26:36.910 --> 00:26:38.760 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:26:38.760 --> 00:26:59.000 align:middle line:90%