My next poem is called "Corned Beef Unrationed."
No, I don't have a can of corned beef with me.
Because I was at LAX when I got an email from Hannah saying
that there's severe weather--
[LAUGHING]
--and their flight may be canceled.
I was like, oh, no, I better eat something.
So I ate my corned beef.
[LAUGHING]
So you don't have my prop with me for today.
However, I do need some volunteers for my next poem,
"Corned Beef on Rations."
I need four students that I met earlier.
I see them throughout this audience.
Please come up, four students.
Ah, yeah.
Got one over there.
Oh, yeah, round of applause.
[APPLAUSE]
Woo!
One right here.
OK.
Stand right there.
I need two more.
Great!
All right.
All right, stand up there.
Colin, stay right there.
Come over here.
[LAUGHING]
Wendy come over here.
We're going to form a little trapezoid.
[LAUGHING]
Trapezoid.
[INAUDIBLE] that's perfect.
OK.
Now we need two more volunteers.
There are two characters in this poem besides the narrator.
One is my grandmother and one is my uncle.
I need two people to play my grandmother and my uncle.
You just have one line, don't worry.
OK.
You can be my uncle.
You got to come up here with me, Uncle.
Grandma come on up.
[LAUGHING]
All right.
Come up here with me.
OK.
So for the students, your word is modernization.
Face them, say it as loud as you can.
Modernization.
Good.
[LAUGHING]
Your word is convenience.
Convenience.
Positivity.
Nice.
OK.
Your word is affordability.
Affordability.
Your word is prestige.
Prestige.
OK.
Good.
So they're going to be saying this poem in rotation
throughout my poem.
So let's practice one round.
"Modernization.
Convenience.
Affordability.
Prestige."
Keep going.
"Modernization.
Convenience.
Affordability.
Prestige."
[LAUGHING]
Grandma.
"Modernization.
[LAUGHING]
Convenience.
Affordability.
Prestige.
Modernization.
Convenience.
Affordability.
Prestige.
Modernization.
Convenience.
Affordability.
Prestige.
Modernization.
Convenience.
Affordability.
Prestige.
Modernization.
Convenience.
Affordability.
Prestige.
Modernization.
Convenience.
[INHALES]
Hash is the perfect high.
That's corned beef hash, for any law enforcement reading
this poem.
Hands up, don't shoot!
Prestige.
Modernization.
Convenience.
Affordability.
Prestige.
This kind of hash is not a controlled substance,
but it is addictive.
If you recently purchased 12 ounce cans of Hormel
corned beef in natural juices on Guam,
they may contain an animal de-worming drug
called Ivermectin.
Mm.
[LAUGHING]
What's called corned beef is simply a poorly preserved beef
imported from South America, Hence
the Chamorro special-- fried rice, two eggs, any style,
and one corned beef hash patty, $9.95.
Conclusion: canned beef, canned corned beef
won't get you high unless we're talking about your cholesterol.
Simply Food, the only vegetarian restaurant in Guam,
serves a soy corned beef; thus the territorial lies
supersedes the real.
After the war, many Chamorros stayed in refugee camps
and were fed salvaged Japanese rice and American excess C
and D rations.
Corned beef and hash, powdered eggs,
and Navy-issued coffee with cream and sugar.
My grandma says it was:
Like manna from heaven.
[LAUGHING]
When I lived in Ka'a'awa last summer with my future wife
who's Hawaiian, she seduced me with breakfast of corned beef
hash, hapa rice, and two eggs doggy style.
I mean, any style.
For dessert, I consume her body because it's
no longer a dirty secret.
Canned meat is warrior food.
Modernization, global food trade, convenience,
affordability, prestige, Western economic theories
of development, trapezoid cans.
Their impact on the Chamorro chronically resonates today.
I wonder how many of my relatives
will carry the global burden of disease.
But you know, my uncle always says--
Buy global, but cook it local style.
On Sundays after Mass, my grandma
makes corned beef hash patties coated with seasoned flour,
fried in onions and chili, and served with white rice
and two eggs, any style.
Me and my brother and sister and cousins and uncles and aunties
eat without making a sound because we
thought she stole this food from the people of the White God.
[LAUGHING]
But now I live in Honolulu and shop at Whole Foods.
Nevertheless, I have fond memories of those canned meat
Sundays, my indigenous grandma and her heroic efforts
to make us believe we were the best fed children in all
of Uncle's empire.
Thank you.
[LAUGHING]
Woo!
[INAUDIBLE]